According to Census.gov, in 2015 the average lifespan for men is 77 years for men, 81 years for women. Compared to an average life expectancy of 67 and 74 in 1970, we are living quite a few years longer. Those extra years can be playing a role in the reason long-term marriages end in divorce.
Add to that, people in midlife and beyond are more active, working longer and taking on new challenges without a second thought and it is reasonable to think that cultural changes also play a role.
Society puts an emphasis on personal happiness and fulfillment and not just for those still wet behind the ears. Individuals, 50 and older are as invested in living happy fulfilling lives as their younger counterparts. If that means leaving a long-term marriage of 30 or 35 years so be it.
A person of 50 or 60 who is experiencing an unhappy marriage, in this day and age, has no problem letting go of that turmoil in search of a happier more authentic life. Dan, who is ending his marriage of 32 years explained it to me this way.
“Only time can make one understand life and relationships better. It also creates change in oneself. Though it took me a long time to realize this, I am definitely different today than in 1985. What I need and desire is different than three decades ago. Many of my liberal values have moderated. And, all of those material possessions that I wanted as a young man no longer appeals to me (I drive a 2003 Toyota Camry).
The same goes for my wife. When we met, everything about us was very similar. I am talking about values, views, education, and even sex.
Time changed that. She has grown on a different path than me. It may be a parallel path, but the differences are enough that my marriage is very stressful to me at times. I have been unhappy for a long time due to us growing apart. I hate that cliché, but we really have some differences. Communicating my concerns has not changed anything nor can it as we are different people today.”
Dan is not alone in his discontent with life and his marriage. Both men and women over 50 are leaving their marriages in search of more out of life. Below are six reasons long-term marriages end in divorce.
Common Reasons Long-Term Couples Divorce
1. Infidelity
Infidelity is as old as marriage and it doesn’t matter how old a person becomes they still have sexual needs. Most, anyway. When intimacy becomes stale or lacking in a marriage, one spouse may look outside the marriage for the opportunity to rediscover the pleasures of something that has been missing…their sexuality. Infidelity may be the cause of divorce for a long-term marriage, but, in reality, infidelity is only a symptom of a problem in the marriage. A symptom that finally breaks the bond between husband and wife.
2. Wanting Something Better Out of Life
Like Dan above, we all change with time. What someone wants out of life when they married at 25 may be different once they hit fifty-five. It may sound cliché but, couples do grow apart. They become strangers or roommates who have little in common. The desire to feel an emotional bond with a life partner has motivated many to divorce their spouse later in life.
Men and women who experience a midlife crisis often leave their marriages in search of a new identity and a relief to the pain they experience during middle age and facing their own mortality.
3. A Desire for Independence
It’s common for women who have been dependent on their spouse to long for independence as they age. Especially if they go back to work after the children are out of the home. The more financially stable a woman becomes the more it destabilizes a less-than-happy marriage. Being financially independent also means more confidence in their ability to start over alone after a long-term marriage and find happiness.
4. There Is Less Stigma Attached to Divorce
Divorce is more commonplace and accepted than it was 30 or 40 years ago. Those who stayed married due to religious beliefs or, fear of societal shunning are feeling free to leave a marriage. For example, the Catholic Church is in discussion over lowering the cost and administrative burden of annulments and participation by remarried Catholics in the Eucharist.
When questioned about divorce, Pope Francis urged all Catholics to show compassion and mercy in all situations.
When it comes to divorce, society and religious leaders have become more tolerant, making divorce an easier moral decision for some.
5. An Empty Nest
Some marriages are held together by children. Once those children become adults and leave the home there is no reason to remain in the marriage. When you are emotionally anchored to each other by raising children, there is nothing left to focus those emotions on after that job is done. One or both spouses may move toward divorce and the pursuit of a new partner or the freedom to do the things they couldn’t do when raising children.
6. Retirement and Too Much Time Together
If a couple has spent decades focused on raising children and building a career and home, they can find too much time together after retirement the death knell to their marriage. They not only need to like each other, they better love each other or they will find themselves spending a lot of time in the company of someone they don’t want to be with after retirement.
Unless a couple is happy living parallel lives and doing their own thing, on their own, retirement can be the final tolling of a bell for a marriage.
Last week my sister and brother-in-law celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. It was a happy celebration but one that didn’t mean their marriage would make it to 40 years. I used to believe that if a couple could make it through the first few tumultuous years of marriage that the odds were in their favor. With the rise in gray divorce rates, that is no longer true. No marriage is exempt from divorce.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-long-term-marriages-end-in-divorce-1102921
Why do some women do well after divorce, while others get stuck?” a divorcing client asked me, confronting her worries head on. “I want to be happy again. I want to rely on myself and not be afraid of the future. I can’t make it without his support, but it’s tough being tied together for so many years through the kids and the money.”
Indeed, financial entanglement is a double-edged sword. Moving on is much harder for women (and men) who remain connected via a custody share, child support or alimony. How do you get closure when the contact and financial dependency continue? What’s the key to regaining your independence and confidence?
My answer is something most people already know, but nonetheless is the greatest challenge of divorce: You commit to being happy or commit to being right. The smartest women I know choose happiness, and this has been the key to rebuilding their life. I’ve observed five actions and attitudes these women adopted that made the difference in their recovery process. It’s never too late to start.
#1: No More “Woe Is Me” (ideally after the first year)
Smart women make that mental shift from victim to survivor, and they take the necessary steps to get there fully.
By far the most important (and most difficult) step is to impose a statute of limitations on feeling sorry for yourself, even if the conflict is ongoing. The first year, it’s normal to dwell on the loss, to cry, grieve, vent to your family and friends about every last detail. But after that, even though you’re still raw, it’s important you make a deliberate mind shift from seeing yourself as a victim. Regardless of what your husband did or is still doing, you don’t want to make the pain of your divorce your identity and your calling card.
Your negative feelings won’t disappear miraculously, and of course this isn’t a one-time mind shift. Sadness and despair roll in when you least expect it. You’re not unusual (nor should you be embarrassed) if you need antidepressants for some period of time to get unstuck. Many women also find it beneficial to examine their feelings in a therapeutic setting, such as private therapy, a divorce support group, or counseling services from their church/synagogue.
Friends can be a great resource, but don’t use them only as a sounding board for self-pity. If you’re hanging around a friend — divorced or otherwise — who spends her time man-bashing and telling you how you’ve been screwed, that friendship is keeping you stuck. Spend time (and connect online) with women who are upbeat and can be role models for moving forward with strength and optimism. Two blogs I like, created by women who did something constructive to deal with their divorce, are Chick Chain Walking Club and One Mom’s Battle.
One client summed up her recovery process: “I developed the strength and discipline to give my victim feelings a shelf life ... I’d say to myself, ‘I get tonight to feel sad and then tomorrow it’s back to business.’”
An added benefit of taking this step is you’ll be a role model for your children, especially a daughter, about how to recover from a life crisis.
#2: Accept the Economic Reality of Divorce
The smartest women come to terms with the reduced lifestyle they have after divorce. They reaffirm their priorities or commit to changing their lifestyle. They do not rely on their ex-husband as their long-term financial solution, nor do they see “finding another man” as the solution.
Unless you’re wealthy or a movie star, your economic level will decrease as a result of divorce. The same income that used to run one household is now running two. Women often don’t get paid the same as men for comparable work, and women’s careers are impacted by choosing to raise children — but these are facts, but not obstacles to happiness. Smart women deal with these realities in one of two ways:
- They accept this reduction in lifestyle. Their joy comes from other things, like their children and the opportunity to be an involved parent or appreciation of their job and the flexibility it affords them even if it doesn’t pay as well as a high-paying career.
- If/when the timing is right, they make the decision to increase their earnings through their own means, such as a better job, increased hours, or additional education and training.
Either of these choices leads to greater peace and self-confidence.
#3: Develop a 10-Year Financial Plan
Smart women take charge of their finances during and after divorce. They hire a financial planner or an accountant to review and organize their finances and map out spending and goals for the next decade. Although daunting at first, this step is immensely empowering.
Divorce may be the first time you’ve managed the family finances and planned for the future. Although it feels overwhelming, don’t stick your head in the sand with the naive hope that you’ll be able to make it forever on what you’re getting in support and assets (or that you’ll meet someone who will take care of you).
First, educate yourself about financial planning through a book, seminar, or online resource. Second, find an expert (an accountant or financial planner) with whom you can review your finances and spending. (I strongly suggest you choose an expert who charges by the hour instead of on a commission basis.)
Looking at the economic reality is a wake-up call for most women. One client said after her meeting, “I quickly saw that I need to be much more thoughtful about how I use my assets and how I spend what I am getting in support. I’m now focused on my short-term goals — reducing my spending and finding ways to supplement my income — and my long-term goals of getting the kids through college and saving enough to have a dignified life in later years. I feel more in charge of my future and less anxious as a result.”
# 4: Repeat After Me: “I Cannot Change My Ex”
Smart women recognize they can’t change their ex-husband. They pick their battles, they let go of issues that don’t really matter or can’t be changed, and they accept with grace and maturity the general unpleasantness of an ongoing custody share — knowing this is just the reality of divorce.
It’s normal to want to have a say in how your ex behaves — particularly related to the kids. But save yourself the struggle. In a strange way, this step is about taking control of your inner life by letting go of outside control.
Sharing custody involves a lot of frustrations. The most common ones I hear from women are: he cancels or is late; he feeds the kids junk food; there are no limits at his house on TV, video games or computer; he buys them toys/electronics you said no to, instead of buying the shoes and school clothes they need; he gripes about expenditures for the kids’ extracurricular; he lets them stay up past their bedtime; he doesn’t return their clothing or returns everything dirty; he doesn’t make the kids do chores, so they complain when you enforce this rule at your house; he has joint custody but you still have to take the lead on doctor and dentist appointments, school, homework, extracurricular activities and sports.
Is this behavior fair or considerate? No. Is it worth getting upset over? No. Unless he is abusing the kids or repeatedly not showing up, you can’t generally control these kinds of actions. It’s a costly endeavor to try.
I’m not saying smart women allow themselves to be doormats — they definitely don’t. Sometimes you have to put on the business hat and confront an issue with your ex. Sometimes legal action is required. Be sure the issue warrants it and has a good probability of resulting in change. And work to let go of the rest.
#5: Focus on the Future, Commit to Growth and Introspection, And
Build a Relationship with Yourself
Smart women channel their energies post-divorce into examining their life, their goals, their mistakes and how they can learn from the past. Instead of jumping into another serious relationship (or spending their time complaining about their ex), they focus on their own life issues. They redefine their priorities and discover what’s meaningful to them. They mature fully into themselves as women whose identity is not tied to the role of mother or wife.
We’ve seen this or been there ourselves — how men and women “lose themselves” in marriage. For many women, their identity becomes tied to their husband or children early on, and so when the marriage ends and these roles are lost or diminished, the woman feels unsure of who she is. This is one reason divorce can be a real moment of crisis.
The smartest women I’ve observed use their divorce as an opportunity for growth and maturity. They take inventory of their life, mistakes and all, and devote time and energy to discovering who they are and what they want for their future. This process takes time, patience and dedication, but in the end, these women are able to put their divorce behind them. They go on to be centered, stable, self-assured, capable women who find the happiness they felt they had lost. In fact, when I asked these women if they could turn back the clock and stay married, the answer was overwhelmingly a heartfelt “no” — they would never go back, even with all of the known challenges.
What would be on your list for recovery?
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/alison-patton/what-smart-women-do-after_b_1307356.html
It can be shattering at first to be apart from your spouse. But "one" doesn't have to be the loneliest number: after you've grieved, adopt a positive attitude towards your situation. Take advantage of your freedom, and be who you want to be. This is the way to enjoy sudden singlehood – and maybe even prepare for a new, fulfilling relationship.
There are many reasons why divorce recovery can be a slow and painful process: there’s the plummet in your self-confidence after being rejected by a longtime partner; there’s the loneliness, the feeling of not being whole without somebody to share your life; and there’s the disillusionment in marriage as the great happily-ever-after, or at least in your own marriage as “the real thing.” You’ll grieve the loss of what you thought was marital bliss, and this is a normal and necessary stage.
What could be more painful than the loss, however, is the fear of being single. How will I cope? you wonder. It’s scary to start over by yourself after depending on your marriage for so long. You may have merged your identity so closely with your spouse’s – defining yourself as half of a couple, not as an individual – that you can’t imagine continuing on your own. Perhaps you don’t know if you’re strong enough to take care of yourself without a spouse’s help. Or you’re ashamed of singlehood in a society defined by relationships. Will I survive? Will I be of use? Can I still find happiness?
The answer to these questions, hard to believe as it may be, is a resounding YES! More than you know, in fact, and in ways you can’t foresee while in the early stages of divorce recovery. But it will take time and effort on your part. Reinventing yourself as a single person will be challenging, but through patience and positive thinking, you’ll do it, and the rewards will be more than worth it.
Therapists Robert Alberti and Bruce Fisher, in their book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, claim that “singleness has become an acceptable alternative in our society. A generation or two ago, a single person was looked upon in the community as somewhat weird, one who just did not quite make it to the altar.” As popular beliefs have changed with society’s transitions, so you must make changes when you move from being in a couple to being on your own. The most important change is in your mind. As Shakespeare said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Singleness can be a productive and happy experience if you consciously choose to think of it that way.
Some people discover to their surprise that the single life following divorce is full of new advantages. In such cases, their marriages were barriers to the lives they wanted; now they’re free to live to the fullest. This is not to suggest that marriage is a bad thing, or that single people are always happier than married people. But not all relationships are completely beneficial: one that involves physical or psychological abuse, or a power imbalance, or even boredom and monotonous routine, is repressive and unhealthy for both people. Renewed singlehood is often a major turning point in lives like this.
There are three basic stages toward personal fulfillment during this time:
- Finding and being yourself
- Making use of your extra time
- Reinventing your life through personal interests and/or a new career.
To Thine Own Self Be True
In your marriage, you thought you’d found your place in the world; when that place is suddenly gone, you may feel disowned and lost, wondering who you are and what your purpose is. What’s important to realize is that your relationship was made foryou, and not vice-versa: you exist as an individual regardless of whomever you have attached yourself to. “The day you wind up single through divorce or separation is the day you get to test who you really are,” writes Ernie Zelinski in his bestseller The Joy of Not Being Married. “Learning to enjoy being single involves the ability to experience everything through your own essence, instead of living vicariously through a spouse or partner.”
This is the first step: learning to stand on your own. This doesn’t only mean taking care of yourself: it means understanding your own personality. Only on your own, without connecting your life to somebody else’s, can you fully explore your needs, wants, likes, dislikes, and goals.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., a leading expert on relationships and communication, believes that all people are meant to be coupled, and that a permanent single lifestyle will never satisfy the necessity for growth and love through relationships. However, he does see singleness in a positive vein — as a growing stage between adolescence and marriage. In an ideal society, “singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons,” Dr. Hendrix writes in Keeping the Love You Find. “It would be sorely needed relationship training.”
Unfortunately, many people miss out on this important training. They were taught by tradition to get married as soon as they could and to establish themselves in a nuclear family setting. As Fisher and Alberti point out, these people “never learned to be single persons before they married. They went from parental homes to marriage homes, never even considered that one could be happy living as a single person.”
Most people have a lot of living to do before they’re truly ready to settle down into responsible family lives. Marrying before you’ve sown your wild oats may have caused you to bring a lot of unnecessary baggage into the relationship. After divorce, it may be necessary to make up for lost time in terms of self-discovery. “Many divorced or widowed people,” Dr. Hendrix observes, “do with their singleness what they should have done before they married for the first time: live alone, find their own rhythms, date a variety of people, go into therapy, develop new friends and interests, learn how to live with and care for themselves.” These are the ways young people learn who they are and what makes them unique. But if you’re newly divorced, it’s not too late to follow the same path.
It’s important to learn as much as possible about somebody before you marry or live with that person. To live with yourself successfully, you’ll have to go through the same process. You could even ask yourself the questions you might ask a prospective date, to get to know him or her. “What do I like to do for fun?” “What are my dreams and goals?” “What’s a nice person like me doing in a place like this?” And when you answer, be honest with yourself. Your own answers may surprise you, if you look inside and ignore outside influences. Many of us have been so influenced early on — by our family, friends, teachers, employers and social norms — in our habits and opinions that we deny the truths about our own personalities to ourselves. Is that what led you to marrying unsuccessfully the first time?
As La Rochefoucaud put it, “Being alone is a markedly different experience from being lonely.” You might find yourself a fascinating companion.
Time is on Your Side
“We are always getting ready to live,” said Ralph Waldo Emerson, “but never living.” How true: we spend so much of our lives working — both professionally and in domestic ways — and seldom have time to fully enjoy the fruits of our labor, or even life’s free pleasures. Our family responsibilities can become a 24-hour job and get in the way of all the things we’d love to do. As a result, even when we do find some free time, we don’t have the energy left over to do much else besides rest.
The next step in turning the lemon of sudden singleness into lemonade is using the extra time you never had during the marriage. “Many have spent their free, recreational time in the past doing what the spouse wanted or what they had learned to do with their parents,” write Fisher and Alberti. “Your assignment now is simply to take the time to develop a new interest.” It helps when you know yourself well enough to decide what new interest suits you the best.
You may have dreamed about what you’d love to do with your life — big, ambitious projects or small, private pleasures — but dismissed them as hopeless fantasies, while assuming that time with your spouse, or catering to your spouse’s needs or wants, was more important. Now that the barrier of your marriage is gone, your dreams and desires may be obtainable. If your breakup has left you with too much time on your hands, seize that excess time and make it work for you.
“Making the most out of being single,” says Zelinski, “means taking advantage of the freedom to create a lifestyle that is adventurous, exciting, and rewarding for you.” And you can live this lifestyle without any worry that a significant other might not approve.
Suppose that you’ve always wanted to travel abroad, but couldn’t because your partner was afraid of flying, or couldn’t take time off from his/her career, or just didn’t want to. Well, now’s your chance. Have you had a book inside you for years that has been dying to get written? Nobody’s stopping you. If you have children, you’re free to spend your time building on your relationships with them — without a spouse around to judge or limit your influence upon them.
The possibilities are limited only by your imagination and determination. You can finish that college degree, go to the neighborhood bar anytime, do charity work, join a night class, stay out all night, flirt with anybody you please. With the freedom of time comes the freedom of action. You don’t have to share the bathroom or the remote control; you can watch TV or read or eat in bed without disturbing someone else; you can choose which furniture, food, and clothes to buy based on your own tastes. Even if your divorce has left you with far less money than you had coming in as a couple, at least you get to choose how to spend it.
“It’s a great time in your life to explore your internal self and get grounded,” explains Lloyd MacNeil, a brand director with Telepersonals/Webpersonals in Toronto. “When you’re in a couple, you tend to get caught up in the day-to-day of life; you ignore yourself and your own needs. It’s also a great time for bonding with other singles and other friends, and meeting new people through that.”
Yet while it’s a brave step to make your own schedule, make sure your actions and plans are grounded in reality. Take practical issues — your financial resources, your parental and career responsibilities, your health — into vital consideration; you don’t want to make any foolish sacrifices or mistakes. Also be sure to plan carefully: don’t act too quickly without thinking of a safety net.
After his divorce was finalized, Peter, a dentist in Chicago, decided to fulfill his dream of travelling across the USA in a sportscar. Responding to an ad for a 1969 MG convertible, he hopped on a plane to San Francisco. The car was being sold by an elderly widow, who told Peter that the MG hadn’t been out of its garage in 15 years. Undaunted, he bought the car, paid a local mechanic to give it a basic tune-up and new tires, and set off on his cross-country adventure.
About 200 miles into his journey, the engine seized, stranding him in the middle of nowhere. When he finally got the car towed to a garage, he found that it would need a new engine — not to mention brakes, clutch, exhaust, and radiator — to become roadworthy. Peter now has to pay to store the car at the garage until he can afford the massive repair bill. “I should have had the car checked out more thoroughly before I bought it,” he admits ruefully. “I’m no mechanic: a new car would have been a better choice for me.”
You may be tempted to try to circumvent the grieving stage by plunging yourself into non-stop adventures or new relationships. This is a mistake that will come back to haunt you: you must feel the pain of the death of your marriage, then release it in order to be truly free.
If you weren’t the motivating or decision-making spouse in your marriage, sudden singlehood may leave you unsure of what to do with yourself; you don’t know how to make your own plans. The good news is that you can learn — and the more you practice, the better you’ll get at making decisions. If your judgment is a little shaky right now, bounce your ideas and plans off a friend with good judgment.
The bottom line is that you don’t want to use this time to do things you’ll regret later, or fail to do things you’ll regret missing out on. It’s a bad idea to try to make up for your loss by overspending, or overeating, or bedhopping with everyone you meet. That can be just as fatal as getting too caught up in your grief and putting your life on pause. Always think of the consequences of your actions: the saddest words you could end up uttering are, “I made a terrible mistake.”
New Directions
Once you learn who you are as an individual, you’ll find that there are many options open that you had no idea existed. You can renew yourself by devoting your single life to stimulating new interests and goals.
This may be a good time to examine your career path. Do you like your job? If not, consider the services of a career counselor or a “head hunter” to find a new, fulfilling job for you. Your local employment center might be able to help you find what kind of work would best suit your personality and give you the most inner satisfaction. But unless you’re independently wealthy, you shouldn’t quit your present job without having accepted a new position first. This is especially true if you have support obligations or custody of children; the extra freedom of singlehood doesn’t exempt you from your financial or parental responsibilities, which may limit your options.
A person who makes enough money to live on and support dependants at a job that he or she genuinely likes will be far happier than someone making a lot more money doing something he or she dislikes. Some people choose specific career paths not because their hearts are in them, but to earn enough to provide for a marriage and/or family, plus the material perks that accompany them (suburban house, two cars, etc.), either present or planned. Suppose that when your marriage is dissolved, you don’t have (or need) that big house or additional car anymore. What’s the use of winning the extra bread if it doesn’t satisfy your need for personal accomplishment?
Marie, a former sales clerk, took a job as a tour operator in Mexico after her divorce. She’d yearned to travel and see other cultures all her life, but her ex-husband had disliked going anywhere and she had sacrificed her desires for the sake of her marriage. Her post-divorce career gave her the chance not only to find herself through a job that she enjoyed more, but also to see Mexico and other places. Obviously, she’d found a solution that brought her a much happier life.
Then again, you may be happy with your present job regardless of how modestly you live. In fact, it may also be a good idea —if it doesn’t interfere with your relationships with your children — to focus your energy on your career to move up in the world. If you have kids, ask your friends and family to pitch in as babysitters to enable you to take night classes to upgrade your skills.
But you may not necessarily be satisfied with your life accomplishments outside of your career — especially if your marriage and family consumed all of your non-work time. That’s where you have to find new passions, or rekindle old ones — both to make use of your mental and/or physical skills in a constructive way, and also to meet new friends. It’s up to you, once you’ve gotten to know yourself and what activities you enjoy, to decide what’s right for you. Do you want to join a local sports league? Build model ships? Start a side business in another field that interests you?
One popular choice for a post-divorce pursuit is learning to dance. It’s not only a great way to keep yourself fit and active, it also boosts your self-confidence. “It isn’t unusual for dancers to meet a future life partner on the dance floor,” says Craig Marcott, the author of Three Minutes of Intimacy: Dance Your Way to a Sensational Social Life, who credits the currently huge turnover in the singles market to “a constant influx of new people resulting from divorce.” Marcott encourages people to try dance lessons as a way of diverting their attention from grief, having fun, and getting exercise again. “You don’t have to be a Fred Astaire or Ginger Rogers to enjoy dance,” he says.
Psychologist Pat Hudson suggests escaping from divorce-related grief through creative endeavors. “Your mind is a potential playground,” Hudson writes in You Can Get Over Divorce. “As long as you know you are playing, you are developing the creative side of you, having fun, often indirectly dealing with your feelings, and healing at the same time.” Hudson gives writing or drawing as examples; you could also join a community theater. Tom, a New York based sales rep, discovered painting shortly after his divorce — and it has become one of his greatest passions. Now happily remarried, he continues to paint, and even decorates the walls of his home and office with his art.
You might even find that creative interests lead you to that more satisfying new career. Scottish author J.K. Rowling, known for the immensely popular Harry Potter children’s books, is one example of somebody who switched career tracks after her divorce — and succeeded phenomenally. This is not to imply that everybody has the talent to become a world-renowned artist or entertainer. But even if you have to keep your day job, finding a constructive creative outlet for your fantasies is one of the best ways of enjoying yourself while single. If your divorce-related emotions are too strong to escape through fantasy, use creativity as an outlet for your feelings, as a sort of primal therapy. Write about your anger and your pain. Make art out of your suffering. “Given the time, space, and urge, we all have the potential to be artists,” writes women’s activist Victoria Jaycox inSingle Again: A Guide for Women Starting Over. “Most of it is trained out of us as we grow up and enter the serious worlds of learning and work.” Singleness can be the chance to rediscover the artist within you.
Divorce isn’t the end of your life. It can be a second beginning in which you plan everything differently: you take roads you haven’t traveled, explore new options, and perhaps transform yourself into something you couldn’t have imagined being.
Life is Beautiful
“Everyone who experiences the breakup of a partnership suffers the same depths of pain and endures the same devastating emotions,” writes relationship counselor Angel La Liberte (writing under the name Christina Basciano) in Relationship Breakdown: A Survival Guide. “Yet, as we recover and create new lives out of the ashes, we generate new identities that are truly unique, truly our own.” You achieve this by taking control of your life, rather than letting the pain continue to bring you down. You can do and be what you want. You can set free your inner longings that have been aching to materialise.
But the benefit that may surprise you most is the likelihood of your attracting a new partner and starting a relationship with far more lasting power than the first. Why? Because after you’ve made use of your new life to better define who you are, you’ll attract someone who loves the real, essential you that you’re no longer afraid of – or prevented from – revealing to the world. And even if you don’t find your true soulmate right away, you won’t be lonely. You’ll find new friendships: ones that will last because your new friends enjoy the “real” you that you’ve discovered.
Renewed singleness is the time to thrive and show the world your true colors by taking full advantage of your new freedom. The most satisfying life you can have is one that you can look back upon and say to yourself proudly, “I did it my way.”
Expert Tips for the Newly Single
“Be conscious of what you tell yourself. Negative, dangerous thoughts like ‘I’m too old’ or ‘who’ll want me after what I’ve been through?’ keep us from moving forward. Cultivate an optimistic attitude, and more good things will happen.”
– Debra Burrell, CSW, New York therapist and “Mars and Venus” workshop instructor
“Divorce produces a mixture of feelings, from relief that the fighting and struggling are over, to sadness that the hopes of a lifetime together have evaporated. Newly divorced people must not focus only on the short-term relief while ignoring the more long-term sadness. Renewing yourself as an individual must include learning how to complete what the divorce left emotionally unfinished, so you won’t be defined by the pain you carry forward and thereby sabotage future relationships.”
– Russell Friedman, executive director of The Grief Recovery Institute in California
“You can go back and take a deeper look at who you are and how you relate to other people. It’s an exploration phase: you begin to re-evaluate how to form friendships, what gives you satisfaction at work and what doesn’t, and what gets you excited on the dating scene.”
– Jamie Weiner, Psy.D., co-creator of Associates for Life Challenges in Chicago
“All human beings have the ‘right stuff’ to enable new possibilities to emerge. As the painful emotion associated with divorce subsides, it slowly opens the mind to the creative energy to imagine new scenes, new characters, and new scripts. Divorce is but one scene in an unfolding process of reproducing ourselves one moment at a time.”
– Dr. Ken Celiano, Chicago therapist and divorce coach
“There’s the opportunity to finally be able to do things you previously felt inhibited doing. Many people find that as time goes by, once they’ve gotten over their grief, they take on major career changes, new hobbies and interests, personal growth.”
– David Whealey, M.Ed., founder of Separated Anonymous in Toronto
Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/happily-single/
Marriage should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for two people. Love, of course, matters, but historically, women had finances and their future stability to consider when choosing a husband. And over the past hundred years, our concept of marriage has changed—not just in America, but in many parts of the world. Today, women no longer marry to survive. Instead, independent women tie the knot for love and self-realization. But love and self-realization are also increasingly becoming reasons for getting a divorce.
According to a recent study conducted by WP Diamonds, one in ten marriages ends due to a lack of freedom. Once divorced, this newly-won freedom can seem a little frightening to even the most independent women. The important thing is to stay focused on your goals and assert your wishes. Starting over after divorce is about taking control of your new life.
Fight for your dreams, and take control of your life
Maintain a positive outlook, and when all else fails, remember that independence doesn’t mean never asking for help. Realize how much other people value you—your colleagues, friends, and family. Allow your positive thoughts to fuel you and help you build up your inner strength. If you need more support during this difficult time, you should get that support. Your real friends and family will stand by you through hard times. Talk to your friends, other divorced women, or a professional to get the divorce advice you need. In fact, one out of every four people going through a divorce would consider seeking professional help from a therapist.
And that’s good. For if there was ever a time one should turn to experts, it’s during the life crisis of divorce. Those same people who’d “consider a therapist” might benefit from learning about the steps resulting from working with a coach. For at some point, you want to stop talking about your situation and DO something that is appropriate for your circumstances. And without regret. Appropriate action lessens anxiety and can relieve stress.
Independent women know this. We know how to make the best out of what life gives us, to speak up, and to take control — all of which takes a certain boldness and action. This also means taking control of our mental wellbeing and making decisions that are in our best interest.
Stand up for your rights, and carefully think about your next steps
Parting with someone close to you can be an emotional and painful process. Making rational decisions during this time is difficult but essential. If you can do so now, your future will be more stable—both emotionally and financially. Many women find it helpful to create a plan to follow during and after the divorce so they don’t lose track of what is important. As a divorced woman, you have rights. Create a checklist of your next steps. Here are a few examples of tasks you can add to your checklist:
- Seek professional, emotional divorce advice
- Find a good financial advisor
- Ensure your children understand the changes they’re experiencing
It is not always easy, but it is ever so important to be honest with your children and to talk to them about what is going on. Your intention might be to protect them, but this is a hard time for them as well. Now more than ever, they need to know that they are loved and that they don’t need to choose one parent over the other.
Not sure what steps you need to take? Here are some more tips for newly-divorced independent women.
Be yourself, and gather your strength for the future
In all stages of life, you should remain true to yourself and follow your own path. This is also very important when it comes to starting over after divorce. Remember: You are not just a wife or a mother. You will always be, first and foremost, you—an individual, an independent woman. You can decide for yourself where to go, what to do, and which values you cherish after divorce.
Sometimes the stress of going through a divorce can bring out our ugly sides, and a person can turn to intimidation and other forms of manipulation to get what they want or to spite their Ex. If you remain fair and refuse to fall into this trap, you will increase your chances of coming out the other side a much more positive and emotionally stable woman. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with people who are important to you—people who love and support you. Celebrate the good times rather than dwelling on the past.
Take these 46 steps to ensure your divorce recovery.
Be patient—starting over after divorce takes time
Deciding to divorce was likely a long process, after all. The decision to part ways with the person who was once your other half is not taken lightly. The wait for the divorce to finalize can also be excruciating. Depending on how long you were married, the prenuptial agreement, children, and many other factors, the divorce process can take several months or years. This is not always easy so when you hit a low moment picture your life after divorce and what it will feel like to be in control again. If your divorce has just finalized, know that once the dust has settled life after divorce will get better.
Your reward: your new life after divorce
Life goes on. As you contemplated divorce, filed the paperwork, and waited for your attorney to tell you it was finally over, daily tasks and responsibilities continued to pile up. Your job, your children, your home—each of them needs your attention. Divorce is rarely easy. You might have even asked yourself, “How will I move on after divorce?” The truth is that starting over after divorce will bring up a lot of emotions, but mostly, women feel like taking a great sigh of relief. Both before and throughout the divorce process, it can feel like you’re holding your breath. Are you ready to let it out? Your life as an independent, divorced woman is waiting for you.
Source: https://sasforwomen.com/starting-over-after-divorce/
