Living apart for a while could ultimately keep you together for longer.
There are three main reasons why couples separate—as a step in the divorce
process; to gain perspective on the marriage; and the one I will focus on in this post, to enhance the marriage.
I am a big believer in the therapeutic value of a separation to strengthen the marriage if it's done in the right way for the right reasons, and if there are clear agreements from the start.
This separation can be done at any time and, indeed, is being done by more and more couples. Yet we still think something is "wrong" if couples live apart, and we usually see separation as something used mostly by couples that have reached the breaking point. They have usually tried various other interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track and are now at a place where there's nothing left to do but split up, physically separate, and, ultimately, divorce.
Rather than a means to an end, however, separation can be a helpful tool to stay together. This seems counterintuitive when a marriage is in trouble and relations are fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse slipping away from us, we should merge more, get as close as we can, and do more 'to make the marriage work."
The thought of creating distance at such a time instills a great deal of fear of losing control of your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially challenging if the bond between the two of you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But employed carefully and skillfully (and usually with some type of professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
Guidelines for an Enhancement Separation
Here are some thoughts on how to go about creating your own Enhancement Separation.
Get Third-Party Support. While some couples can do this on their own, I highly recommend seeking out some type of neutral third party to help facilitate this process. It can get tricky, especially if this is being done while there is currently some tension or problems between spouses. This can be a therapist, clergy, mediator, or lawyer.
Set Clear and Reasonable Expectations. Ground rules are a must to maintain a sense of trust between the parties. If one person expects to communicate every day but the other doesn't, this could cause hurt feelings. Knowing what to expect avoids this type of situation.
Know Your Goal. Don't assume that you both have the same goal. You both really need to agree that your intention in living apart is to enhance your marriage. Again, if one spouse thinks the separation is a step in the divorce process but the other thinks it's a temporary "time-out," this can cause a major rift in the trust between the two. Having the same goal in this exercise is particularly important in making it a successful exercise.
Maintain Regular Communication. Having no contact at all for an extended period of time may actually begin to hurt the marital connection. Instead of an "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality, it may end up being, "Out of sight, out of mind."
The average length of an Enhancement Separation is about six months, but some couples have enjoyed it so much, they continue it indefinitely.
Who Should NOT embark on an Enhancement Separation
There are some people for whom this tool will not work. It is crucial that each spouse is honest with themselves and honest with each other about why they are doing this exercise: If you or your spouse is trying to make the splitting up process gentler and easier, this is NOT the tool to use. If you don't intend to stay with your partner, the worst thing you can do is pretend to be interested in working things out.
If you are confused about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage, it's important to state that up front. It's far harder on your spouse's heart if you've led him or her to believe that you will be coming back fully committed to the marriage once the separation is over, only to find out later that you wanted to leave the whole time.
Those who have had repeated breaches in trust, or those who have a hard time trusting, should not try an Enhancement Separation. This exercise requires a great deal of maturity and it can raise more anxiety than it's worth for those who are dishonest or insecure.
An Enhancement Separation can be tapered specifically to your needs and your situation and can be implemented or rescinded at any time.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/can-temporary-separation-make-relationship-stronger
Most people with a smartphone are constantly tapped into some form of social media. Sharing cute pictures of kids and pets is simply a routine part of life these days. Some people even use social media to vent frustrations or look for advice.
In a divorce case, however, shares on social media can create ample evidence that can be used against one or both parties to affect alimony, child support, child custody, and more.
Email and Text Messages
Email and text messages are admissible in court and can even be subpoenaed. If one party in the marriage reveals something about a new job or an upcoming bonus that hasn’t been revealed in court, this can be used as evidence that the person isn’t being honest in his or her financial declarations.
Someone once claimed in court that he didn’t have a job, yet he posted about his job online (along with the expensive vacations he took with his girlfriend). With this evidence in court, his request for alimony was denied.
Lawyers advise people to keep all written communication free of sensitive information during a divorce. If you wouldn’t want a judge reading it, don’t write it - anywhere.
Finances
Most people don’t list their income on social media, but they find plenty of other ways to brag about their financial prosperity. If someone claims a low income to avoid high alimony or child support payments but posts pictures of expensive vacations or purchases, this can be used against him or her in court.
Even when a spouse is blocked from seeing his estranged wife’s social media, he can still often see what her friends are posting. If she goes on an expensive vacation with a mutual friend and that friend makes a post about the trip, the spouse can use this evidence to prove that his wife isn’t being honest in her finances.
Ben Carrasco, a divorce attorney in Austin, Texas, reports once using a LinkedIn profile to show the existence of a side business (another source of income) that a party had not disclosed in discovery. This information helped his client secure more child support than she would have otherwise received. “It’s amazing the wealth of information now at our fingertips in a divorce case” says Mr. Carrasco. “What would have once taken weeks of research to discover, if at all, can now be found in the click of a mouse”.
Dating Sites
Creating a profile on an online dating site before a divorce is finalized is foolish. Not only does it show evidence of potential cheating, but most people present themselves differently in an online profile than they do in person. If someone is caught saying something different on a dating site than is said in court, it can lead to problems in the divorce case.
Child Custody
Social media reveals what people are doing, where they’re doing it, and when it’s happening. If a mother is working through a child custody case, but posts pictures that show she was drunk when she should have been watching the children, a judge may rule that the children will not be properly cared for by her.
If one party is supposed to be searching for a job, but posts pictures and status updates that reveal he’s playing video games all day, the judge may rule harshly on alimony and child support decisions.
How to Prevent Negative Effects From Social Media
The best thing to do to avoid social media ruining any portion of a divorce case is to simply stop using it. Many people may be tempted to actually delete their accounts and scrub their online lives. However, once litigation has begun, social media becomes evidence. Deleting accounts is actually a destruction of evidence and can cause a lawyer to be sanctioned.
One thing is for sure. If you’re going through a divorce, you can be certain your spouse and lawyer are combing through your online life. Protect yourself by staying away from all of your social media related accounts until the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/william-morrow/a-look-at-how-social-medi_b_10633940.html
Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?
Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.
If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.
It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.
If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.
Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:
1. Denial of The Problem:
This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.
Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating.
2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:
You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.
It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either.
Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.
3. Feelings of Rejection:
It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.
Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated.
Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery
Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.
If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520
WASHINGTON — In working with clients going through a divorce, the decision about where to live can be challenging. This can be one of the first decisions to make during divorce proceedings, but is often not considered in advance.
Add to that the very real emotional, practical and often significant financial implications, and there may be confusion about the right course of action. Every situation is unique, and while one route may have worked well for a friend or family member, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will be appropriate for you.
At times, the trade-offs required to execute what you want to do are greater than you realize. This is where working with an adviser can be helpful. At the very least, an adviser can guide you in understanding the potential costs and what you may have to give up as you consider your options.
If you don’t have an adviser, or if you’re simply exploring the possibility of divorce, here is a list of things to consider as you analyze your options. We provide six key questions for you to ask before you make a final decision, as well.
In the end, deciding where you will live is really a matter of balancing the emotional, practical and financial implications of the three major options you have — staying in your current home, buying a new home or renting.
Staying in your home
The emotional aspect of having to sell or leave your family home is very real, especially if you have minor children. One of you can avoid moving and other costs, should you or your spouse stay in your home. For that person (and any children), there can be real value gained from keeping one aspect of life certain while so many other things are changing. Another benefit may be the proximity of your neighbors who may lend support during your family’s transition. The challenge here is that it’s difficult to quantify the value of these intangible benefits.
When it comes to the financial considerations of staying in your home, it’s important to have a very detailed list of all the costs including ongoing maintenance, cleaning, taxes and utilities. Major repairs that may be on the near or longer term horizon, such as a new roof or outdoor painting, should be added to the costs when calculating total cash flow required to keep the home. If the mortgage and other expenses are manageable, staying in your home may make this option cheaper than buying a new home or renting. However, this is a function of many factors, not the least of which are current real estate market conditions and how much equity you have in your home.
If you are or your spouse is assuming the mortgage, you’ll also need to consider whether you have the monthly cash flow and the financial capability to qualify for a mortgage. This can be problematic if the spouse staying has little to no reportable income or is receiving alimony that won’t support the cost of the home. In those cases, if there are enough assets, you may be able to obtain an asset-securitized loan. Bear in mind that paying the monthly mortgage does not qualify as an amount toward alimony or child support, so one spouse paying the mortgage on a home occupied by the other would need to be spelled out in a Divorce Agreement.
Continuing to own the home jointly is an option, but carefully consider whether you want to remain attached financially to your future ex, and whether you can depend on them to hold up their end of the bargain by sharing in future post-divorce costs. If a transaction is negotiated between you, you’ll want to review all the financial and tax implications of transitioning ownership. You’ll be negotiating a buyout transaction that will require agreement on price (usually based on one or more appraisals), transaction date, and could have tax implications for one or both parties.
Buying a new home
While many divorcees prefer to stay in their existing home (and may fight hard for that in negotiations), others use this transition period as an opportunity to make a desired change. There can be value in having a chance to live in a new location, or explore a new living style while also being able to “right-size” your home for the future. Under the right real estate market conditions, you also may gain an opportunity to build equity which starts you on a path toward greater wealth.
On the flip side, there are many upfront costs when buying a new home, so you’ll want to be realistic about the impact they have on your financial situation and the total cost of this option. Moving costs may include new furnishings and renovations on the new property, in addition to the transactions costs, such as a down payment and settlement costs, such as home inspections, closing costs, and insurance on the purchase. Remember that cash for these items may be in short supply if joint accounts are frozen, negotiations take longer than expected, or if attorney’s fees are high. These costs turn into sunk costs if you later decide on a different location or change your opinion about your desired lifestyle — a real risk if you’re making this decision in haste or in the midst of other challenges that arise during a divorce.
Just as in the case of assuming a mortgage on your existing home, if you choose to buy a new home you’ll first need to qualify for a mortgage. Check your current credit score and overall debt and income levels, and consider asking a financial institution to prequalify you to confirm how much of a loan you can obtain. Getting financing in the middle of a drawn-out divorce may be harder than you anticipate, especially if you’re starting a new job, or if most of your net worth is tied up either in an illiquid business or in a jointly owned home that is under water or needs to be sold.
Renting
I often recommend renting for a period of time during and after a divorce, mainly because it tends to be a time of high emotion and a lot change — not ideal circumstances for sound decision-making. Finding a temporary location also gives you the time and space to sort out what lifestyle you want post-divorce, and gives you more flexibility to change your mind as your new single life evolves. Depending on the cost, renting may free up cash flow for other priorities, such as starting a retirement account or starting a business. Maintenance emergencies will be someone else’s responsibility and, other than potential rent increases or high utility bills, you’ll likely have fewer surprise expenses as a renter. That can be helpful during the transition from paying bills as a couple to shouldering all the costs on your own.
Renting is also a good option for parents with children in their late teens as they may need or want to stay in a particular neighborhood for schools, but buying in that area may be cost-prohibitive. Although these days it can be difficult to predict whether college-aged children will return home, many times when children are heading off to college in the next three to four years, renting is a good option until they leave the nest.
Once you sort through the pros and cons of these three main options and decide which is best for you, we suggest you double check your decision using these six probing questions:
- Is the location convenient to my work and social communities?
- How does this choice meet the needs of my children now and in the next five years?
- Does the home’s size and layout suit my new single lifestyle?
- What are the tax implications of the required actions?
- Have I considered the total costs for each option, including estimates for maintenance and other factors?
- If I make this choice, what am I giving up in my other financial goals?
When a marriage ends, finding a new home can be one of the most challenging decisions. While there is a lot of advice to help you make a decision, there really is no one right answer for where to live. Consider each of your options by carefully weighing the emotional, practical and financial impact and ask yourself the hard questions. If you do, the chances that your final decision will be right for you are much greater. That’s a decision you can feel good about.
Source: https://wtop.com/business-finance/2018/02/deciding-where-to-live-during-and-after-a-divorce/
