How to deal with divorce when your husband cheated

We’re negotiating our divorce settlement and I believe I should be compensated for losing the family I wanted. My husband cheated, decided to leave, and I now miss my kids half the time and don’t have a real family.

I am so pissed I have to pay alimony! He was unfaithful — how is that fair!?

He moved in with his girlfriend — the one he had the affair with. I will never be nice to her and do not want my kids exposed to her. She is a horrible person!

I make sure I don’t get a raise so he will have to keep paying alimony. That way, he doesn’t get off the hook — my husband cheated, went on to make way more money than I do. He needs to be punished.

For the record, my ex-husband didn’t cheat on me. He did announce to all his guy friends (some of whom told me) that the minute he moved out he had a number of hotties he planned to ask out, which, in the depths of my pregnant self, hurt like a mother.

Ask any divorce lawyer, and they will tell you: When there is infidelity, settlements are all but impossible, rationale goes out the window, and contention runs higher than in other matrimonial dissolutions.

“That betrayal colors every single part of the divorce process, and makes it so much harder for the cheated-on spouse to be reasonable,” said my BFF single mom friend, New York City family attorney Morghan Richardson.

It is understandable why cheated-on spouses go so bananas with rage. You had a deal. You would sleep with and only love each other. You and your family came first, no matter what. That is the deal in marriage today, and you signed up and stuck it out, and he didn’t. That isn’t fair and it sucks so freaking bad.

Also: Trust. You trusted him. You trusted yours was the only pussy he would put his dick into. You trusted him when he said he was working late, or having a beer with his friends or at work during working hours and not running around in the back of his car or at her house where her kids played in the next room.

This was not the man you knew and love (yes, currently. You probably still love him, at least a little. Or a lot). If he had a secrete life, untoward agenda about his romantic life, can you trust him to be the father you thought he was? What else is he lying about? Money? Accounts?

If this is you, if your now- or soon-to-be-ex cheated on you, here is what you do:

FEEL THE HURT.

Get all up and messy with that pain. Yes, you were betrayed, lied to and manipulated. Perhaps you took seriously your wedding vows, or simply trusted him. That is serious and you must acknowledge it, work it through with your therapist and understand why it happened and how it affected you.The wedding ring in divorce needs to go, it will make you feel better to be rid of it.

UNDERSTAND THE LAW WHEN IT COMES TO CHEATING.

When it comes to moving through and past divorce or other serious breakup involving kids or assets? It matters to a judge or the divorce negotiations zero. ZERO!
No-fault divorce is standard in ever state, judges could care less. They’ve heard it all before, and it matters none how many people he fucked, whether they were your best friend, neighbor, sister or cousin. Don’t care! Doesn’t affect how much money each party gets, and infidelity does not affect his ability to parent.

Those judges are right, and they are correct. If you understand what the law says about divorce, it will help guide your negotiations. Whether you mediate or each retain attorneys, the goal is usually to avoid trial, and therefore apply to any discussions what a judge would typically rule. Hopefully, you have a great lawyer who will guide you through a slit that is as low-conflict as possible. Listen to her. And she will tell you: No one in the legal world cares a bit that he cheated. Remember that!

IN OTHER WORDS: THERE ARE NO REPARATIONS IN DIVORCE.

No financial compensation for your broken heart, and no parental upper hand because you loved him more than he loved you. Sure, you can blackmail a bigger financial settlement in exchange for not telling his super-religious mom about the Korean prostitutes, but she probably already knows. And if not, who cares? He’s not your husband any more, he can’t give you an STD any longer, can’t spend your money any longer, and it is over. Plus, no one likes a tattle tale. All you can do is move on. The closest you will get is to sell your diamond ring he gave you and feel good about it.

PUT YOUR HUSBAND’S CHEATING INTO PERSPECTIVE

Look, people cheat every single day, and have since the dawn of humanity. It hurts, yes it does, and those feelings are real and valid. But ever-after, fantasy love and lifelong marriage based on romantic feelings? Never proven sustainable, and face it: You know it. You know that is a fact now as you read this, and you knew it when you got married, and before that, too. You know half of marriages don’t last. And you know plenty of married people who have affairs. I’m not passing judgement on this fact one way or the other. But it is a fact, and if you thought you were immune from it, well… now you know you were naive and wrong. I’m sorry for your pain, but that has nothing to do with what happens next.

Shit happens. Shit happens in business, in the economy. The natural world is full of shit happening, the government is a mess and your friends will inevitably let you down. Do you wallow in it? Or do you own your feelings, sort out your part of the mess, and push forward into a brighter future?

MAKE IT YOUR GOAL TO FORGIVE THE INFIDELITY, HEAL AND THRIVE.

Ask any divorce lawyer. Family court judge, therapist or best friend of a divorced person: The people who thrive after a split are those who get on with it already. No matter the circumstances, they forgive, focus on what they can control (not him, for cryingoutloud! YOURSELF. Your life, feelings, actions. YOU!). They don’t drag the ex to court every other week, or get into text pissing matches, blaming the other party for “ruining our family.” They accept their kids’ new step parents and ex’s romantic partners, because, what is the other choice? To badmouth the person to your kids for eternity? Spew vitriol across the aisle at your kids’ wedding, or confirmation or bat mitzvah? Wallow in the pain and contrived victimhood of your divorce? Not a good look.

It may take time to actually, authentically feel better and whole and strong again. Until then, fake it till you make it. Be civil and focus on getting through the horrors of the divorce process. I’ve been through a divorce, and let me give you the best piece of advice I can: GET OUT OF THAT PLACE ASAP! Clench your jaw and get to the other side as graciously and maturely as possible. Help your kids acclimate to their new living arrangement. Be at the very least civil and non-violent to his new (or maybe not-so-new?) girlfriend. Bite the shit out of that tongue. Just bite it and smile.

This is want that for you: A happy, STD-free future, full of forgiveness and peace. You got this. But it is on you.

Source: https://www.wealthysinglemommy.com/divorce-husband-cheated/

3 Reasons Infidelity Often Leads To Divorce

Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?

Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.

If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.

It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.

If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.

Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:

1. Denial of The Problem:

This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.

Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating.

2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:

You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.

It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either.

Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.

3. Feelings of Rejection:
It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.
Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated.

Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery
Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.
If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520

Men More Likely Thank Women to Divorce Due to Infidelity, Research Claims

Men are seemingly far less forgiving than wives when it comes to infidelity

With one in five British adults admitting to cheating on their partners, monogamy is clearly not as straightforward a concept for some as it is for others.


While studies have revealed that men may have a greater tendency than women to go ahead with or contemplate committing adultery in heterosexual relationships, recent research has shown that they can be less forgiving than their female counterparts when considering divorce on account of infidelity.

Hall Brown Family Law has conducted research into behavioural patterns that can lead to divorce, coming to illuminating conclusions about the impact of adulterous conduct on marital bliss.

According to the findings, almost a third of divorces occur when men and women have forgiven past wrongdoings but have finally “run out of patience.”

This bad behaviour refers to a number of issues, including adultery, financial problems and substance abuse.

Ellen Walker, a solicitor at Hall Brown Family Law, stated that women are more likely than men to try to salvage a broken marriage, despite their partner’s unfaithfulness.

“We are surprised time and again by the ability of some men and women to almost turn a blind eye to their partner’s misbehaviour,” she said.

“However, the cases which we deal with illustrate how many people in such a situation find their patience ultimately exhausted, usually when the misconduct becomes too difficult for themselves and others to ignore.

“In some cases, that means being told by friends and relatives about extra-marital affairs which they were already aware of or discovering the true extent of a spouse’s financial difficulties and learning that they impact on a business as well as at home.”

On the other hand, the odds of men tolerating their wives’ dishonesty are far lower than the other way around.

In October last year, the Office for National Statistics stated that the number of women petitioning for divorce against their husbands as a consequence of their spouses’ misconduct had decreased by 43 per cent since 1996.

Meanwhile the number of men divorcing their wives for the same reason had increased by approximately by a third.

According to Ms Walker, the main reason why men and women are willing to give their marriages another go is due to the negative effect separating will have on their children.

“Arguably the principal factor in staying together is a desire to remain married for the sake of their children,” she explained.

“Once those children have left home, a number of unhappy parents decide to take advantage of what they regard as an opportunity to leave a troubled marriage."

Source: https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/divorce-infidelity-men-women-adultery-marriage-research-hall-brown-law-a8383096.html

The Effect (or Lack Thereof) of Infidelity on Divorce

Infidelity is obviously one of the most difficult breaches of trust to forgive in any relationship. While statistics are conflicting when it comes to how many divorces occur because of cheating (some list the number as high as 50 percent and others as low as 15 percent), the fact remains that adultery puts an extreme strain on marriages that can be very difficult to overcome.

When adultery does occur in a marriage, it innately creates a highly emotional and tension filled situation for both parties involved. The spouse who remained faithful will understandably feel anger, betrayal, grief and often the need to get some sort of revenge, while the spouse who cheated usually feels a pressing guilt and anger, either at themselves or misplacing the blame on their spouse for “causing” them to cheat.

Although courts generally do not put much weight into fault when it comes to divorce, this hostile emotional stew can make negotiating a divorce settlement much more difficult.

Women are closing the cheating gap

It has widely been accepted that men cheat more often than women largely due to the ability to separate emotion from sex. Meanwhile, women were seen to be less likely to stray because they required a more emotional connection, and therefore weren’t as susceptible to making an irrational decision based on mere opportunity.

However, new research has found that isn’t necessarily the case. Over the last 20 years, the number of cheating wives has increased by around 40 percent to a mark of 14.7 percent. Men have remained consistent at 21 percent over that time. While you must take any number that relies on self-reporting with a grain of salt, the fact that the number is increasing seems clear enough — and the reasoning makes a lot of sense.

The closing gap can be seen following a changing cultural and economic landscape. Now, women are much more financially independent than in the past, which means they are able to independently support the potential consequences of an affair. Additionally, a larger presence in the work force and advances in communication technology have created more opportunities for hookups.

Though men still have a higher chance of cheating in general, women are increasingly becoming the culprits of extramarital affairs.

Effect of infidelity on no-fault divorce

With the number of marriages ending due to infidelity somewhere between 15-50 percent, it creates many questions as to how this will affect the divorce proceedings. Unfortunately for all of the faithful who are splitting due to a cheating spouse, infidelity rarely has much of an impact on the divorce.

With the prominence of no-fault divorce, blame rarely has much of a bearing on any aspect of the dissolution. There will be no preferential treatment when it comes to the distribution of assets unless you can definitively prove that marital assets were spent on the paramour. Similarly, infidelity will have no influence on custody determinations so long as the affair was not paraded in front of the children.

Alimony has the chance to be affected, but that depends on your states laws and the discretion of your judge. A cheating spouse may lose their right to alimony if infidelity can be conclusively proven, even with a no-fault divorce.

Effect of infidelity on fault divorce

Some states still offer fault divorce, and adultery is often one of the grounds for this method. However, while seeking a fault divorce does come with potential benefits, it also comes with certain risks.

Through a fault-based divorce, one spouse essentially lays the blame for the deterioration of the marriage at the feet of the other. They must then back up this claim with hard evidence, which the “defendant” spouse will get a chance to disprove. If successful, the petitioner in a fault divorce can receive a larger portion of the marital property, a larger (or reduced) spousal support requirement and the ability to avoid the lengthy waiting periods of no-fault divorce.

Still, you must weigh whether or not the chance for a better settlement are worth risking the expense of extensive litigation. Most divorces are settled out of court to avoid the pricey process of additional court hearings and lawyer fees. Additionally, gathering hard evidence of your spouse’s infidelity can be costly. If you fail to prove your claim and your spouse is found innocent, the separation will be treated as a no-fault divorce and you will have wasted a lot of time and resources for nothing.

The level of trust breached by infidelity makes it very difficult to move past, meaning that any marriage where one of the spouses cheats risks divorce. It will be a highly emotional time, and while you probably feel that your spouse deserves nothing, do not expect the courts to feel the same.

As difficult as it will be, your best option is to put all those negative feelings aside and simply negotiate a settlement. You may feel that it’s unfair, but you aren’t going to get any more sympathy from dragging things out in court. Your best bet for moving past such a betrayal is to get things over with as quickly as possible, and move on with your life.

Source: https://mensdivorce.com/effect-lack-thereof-infidelity-divorce/

4 Very Good Reasons For Getting a Divorce

Are you wondering if it is OK to divorce your spouse?

Making the decision to divorce can be a complicated matter. Most divorces take place due to marital problems that have solutions but the parties to the marriage lack the skills to solve those problems. in other words, most divorce without a valid reason to divorce.

There are however marital problems that should send you running to a divorce lawyer's office and filing for a divorce. There are behaviors inside some marriages that no spouse should be expected to live with on a daily basis.

No one should take the decision to divorce lightly, but there are cases where divorce is the only solution. If you’ve found yourself in one of the situations coming to the decision to divorce might be easy.

Physical or Emotional Abuse

If your spouse hits you once it will happen again. You should not stay in a marriage beyond that first punch, slap or shove. DO NOT make excuses for someone who hits you, DO NOT take the blame for someone hitting you. Violence is a need to control and exert power over a spouse, it is not about loving a spouse.

Domestic abuse comes in different forms. Your spouse may physically abuse you or emotionally abuse you. Yelling, screaming, name-calling and put-downs are not acceptable forms of behavior, either. For your own safety and sanity and that of your children, you need to leave.

Infidelity

"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Infidelity is much like domestic abuse; it is a behavior that will repeat itself.

A spouse will cheat for many reasons, what you; the victim of infidelity needs to understand is that there is never a good reason.

Yes, it is possible to restore trust in a marriage after a spouse has an affair. But, if your spouse is a serial cheater you need to examine why you are choosing to stay in a marriage with someone who has little or no respect for you and their marriage vows.

Economic Tensions

Have you heard the term, “financial infidelity?” If your spouse is spending money and putting an economic strain on the family they are committing financial infidelity. Your spouse may have a shopping or gambling addiction they are hiding from you. He/she may be running up credit card debt that you don’t know about.

The question for you is, do you allow someone else’s problem to bury you in debt or do you make no excuses? Being married to someone like this can mean years of recovery and they will usually repeat the behavior over and over again.

Drug or Alcohol Addiction

You can’t fix an addict. For some reason, though, those married to addicts stay in the marriage believing they can somehow bring about change in the addict's behavior. An addict changes when they make the choice to change. An addict does not change because they see their spouse or children suffer. They do not change until they hit rock bottom and only the addict knows what his/her rock bottom is.

If you are lucky the thought of losing his/her family will mean a positive change in the addict. If you aren’t lucky and choose to stay in the marriage you can bet the addict will take their family down with them.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/valid-reasons-for-getting-a-divorce-1102884

3 Reasons Infidelity Often Leads To Divorce

Will Infidelity Break Your Marriage Beyond Repair?

Infidelity leads to divorce and is probably the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage. Unfortunately, it is also one of the most common problems a married couple will face. Statistics vary on this subject, but it's widely reported that 60% of men and 40% of women will participate in an extramarital affair at some point during their married life.

If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity has and is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and, you might fear that you are loosing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity.

It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce after infidelity. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to rebuild trust in the marriage.

If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, your negative emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again. If, for that to happen, you need to divorce, then you are among the majority. That is exactly how most people deal with infidelity in their marriages.

Below Are 3 Reasons Infidelity Leads To Divorce:

1. Denial of The Problem:

This is a very normal first reaction, and most of people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this, no matter what ultimately happens with your marriage.

Infidelity is usually the result of problems in the marriage. If you can't accept your spouse's infidelity, you are left with more problems that you started with. You have to be able to deal, in a healthy manner, the cheating and the problems that lead to the cheating. 

2. Inappropriately Expressed Anger:

You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of feeling. An affair attacks the very foundation of our day to day life, robbing us of our security, violating the vows we took when we married, and stripping away all the peace of mind we get from being married.

It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the affair partner who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the more destructive emotions you'll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control. Whether you want to save your marriage or, move on via divorce, anger expressed in a negative manner will keep you from doing either. 

Learn how to use the anger you feel in a constructive manner.

3. Feelings of Rejection:

It's impossible to not feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all time low at some point before you recover.

Turn to your friends and family for strength. And, without a doubt, you should not define your desirability based on the fact your spouse cheated. 

Try to surround yourself with those people who love and respect you, draw strength from their feelings towards you, and try not to allow yourself to believe you are unworthy of love just because of the actions of your spouse. Try to understand that your spouse took the actions they did because they are struggling to solve their own personal problems. It is not necessarily your fault, and you are no less a person because your spouse committed adultery

Everyone will experience the unfaithfulness of a spouse differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

If you decide to divorce, the range of emotions you feel will become wider. Therefore, it is imperative that you develop good coping skills to get you through, not only the infidelity but also the divorce process.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reasons-infidelity-often-leads-to-divorce-1102520

Divorce Questions: How Does Adultery Affect A Divorce Case?

Wondering how cheating could affect your divorce case? Here’s what you need to know, from Katherine Eisold Miller, a collaborative lawyer and family mediator. 

Marriages can end when one member of the couple discovers that the other has had an adulterous relationship. How important is the impact of the extra-marital relationship on the divorce itself? Legally, the answer varies from state to state. In some states, there is very little impact at all while, in others, it can have a substantial influence on the outcome.

Historically, there was a much higher correspondence between adultery and divorce then there is today. Adultery by a woman was often viewed more seriously and punished more harshly than if committed by a man. This remains the case in some countries today, including Iran and Saudi Arabia, where an adulterous wife could face a violent death. In the United States, adultery remains a crime in some states but is rarely prosecuted.

These days, adultery rarely has much of an impact on the distribution of assets — except in cases where one spouse has used marital assets to support the extra-marital relationship. For example, if a husband borrows against a marital asset in order to support his mistress, that fact would likely be taken into account in distributing the assets of the marriage.

Adultery is also unlikely to affect a custody determination so long as the wayward spouse has not carried on the relationship in front of the children or exposed them to inappropriate people or situations during the course of the affair.

In some states where fault is still a factor in divorce proceedings (even where no-fault divorce exists, in some states there is still fault-based divorce that — when proven — can impact support or property division) an adulterous relationship can seriously reduce (or even eliminate) the obligation of one spouse to pay alimony to the unfaithful spouse regardless of need. In addition, alimony already in place is often terminated when a spouse or ex-spouse lives with another person.

If the straying spouse happens to pick up a sexually transmitted disease, and later infects his or her spouse with that illness, that can give rise to a personal injury action between spouses called an interspousal tort.

Far and away the biggest, most likely and most problematic influence adultery will have on a divorce is in the negotiation of settlement. Statistically, divorce cases are overwhelmingly likely to settle — over 90 percent or more in most jurisdictions. A cheating spouse often feels guilty or sheepish in the aftermath of discovery or confession and the cuckolded spouse typically feels angry and retributive. The emotional stance of each party coming into the negotiation can drastically affect the terms of the settlement.

When making important decisions about your finances, your children and your lifestyle it is important to be in as calm a state of mind as possible. People who make the best choices in their divorce negotiations are able to separate their actions from their reactions — in other words, they are able to think about what is best for themselves and their families separately from the emotions they feel about the adultery. Choosing divorce lawyers and other professionals who can work together to support a family through all aspects of this painful situation is probably the best way to get through it successfully. More information about how this can work is available at CollaborativePractice.com and WestchesterFamilyLaw.com.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/03/divorce-questions-adultery_n_1471111.html