Extension course teaches parents to cooperate in divorce

Divorce can be one of the most traumatic events in a child's life. A course taught through Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service is working to help reduce that trauma to Oklahoma's children by teaching parents to better communicate and cooperate after divorce.

Lesa Rauh, Garfield County extension educator for family and consumer sciences, said the extension designed the "Co-Parenting for Resilience" curriculum more than 20 years ago. 

Enrollment in the program statewide has increased since 2014, when a state law went into effect requiring divorcing couples with minor children to attend a parenting education class.
Garfield County was one of the first counties in the state to offer the program, Rauh said, and it is offered once per month.

Rauh said each class begins with sharing statistics on how divorce affects children.
"It's one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a child, and it can take five years for a child to recover from that trauma," Rauh said.

She said children often exhibit emotional outbursts, changes in behavior patterns, regression in development and can carry depressive symptoms into adulthood, all as a result of emotional trauma experienced during their parents' divorce.

"Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school, to get involved with drugs and alcohol, and to get in trouble," Rauh said. "We want to break those statistics and we think co-parenting can do that."

After educating parents on the damage divorce can do to their kids, Rauh said the program moves into helping parents plan for ways to effectively communicate in the child's best interest after divorce.

"We help them design arrangements to agree in a non-confrontational manner, to put aside past differences and hurts for the good of the children," Rauh said.

She said a lot of the challenge for newly divorced parents is to simply communicate with each other without forcing the children to carry information back and forth between parents.
"Often in a divorce situation what gets put in the middle is the children and their possessions," Rauh said. "We encourage them to use technology to communicate, rather than passing messages through the children."

Setting aside the emotions that attend divorce can be difficult. Rauh said many couples find it easier to maintain objectivity when they can step back and look at co-parenting in a new light: as a business.

"We like to tell parents it costs about $250,000 to get a child from birth to age 18," Rauh said, adding that figure is about how much it costs to purchase a fast food franchise.

"What would it look like if you went into business with a partner and bought a franchise?" Rauh said. "How would you work with your partner? Would you argue and get into conflict with them, or would you use professional communications and manners to work with your partner for the good of your business?"

She said many parents are better able to plan for co-parenting in divorce if they can set aside the hurt feelings from a lost marriage, and think instead of their ex-spouse as a "business partner in the business of raising a child."

Like any good business, effective co-parenting requires a solid plan.

"If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there," Rauh said. "We want co-parents to create a roadmap and a vision for where they want their kids in the future."

Many divorced couples end up with inflexible guidelines that don't meet their needs, simply because they didn't plan ahead for how they would manage child visitation, exchanges of property and how to share holidays.

"We want them to work out the details and go to the judge and say, 'This is what's going to work for our family,'" Rauh said, "because if they don’t have a plan the judge is going to make one for them."

Rauh said most parents aren't receptive to the training when they first arrive, especially since it's a court-mandated class. But, she said, surveys taken at the beginning and end of the class, and again six months afterward, show parents' perceptions of the co-parenting curriculum shift significantly.

"What we find is the majority of the parents who come in are really emotional, they’re hurt and they just want to get this over with," Rauh said. "But, they leave feeling like 'I’m going to be a better parent,' and they have hope for the future of their family."

"Everyone seems to walk away with some nugget of truth, some inspiration they can use with their parenting skills," Rauh said.

According to survey results provided by Rauh, 96 percent of participants in the class report they "learned new ways to be an effective parent during and after divorce," and 21 percent answered that they "increased their confidence and ability to parent."

Rauh said the co-parenting class is open to all parents; you don't need to be going through divorce or a paternity or custody proceeding in order to attend the class.

Anyone who wants to sign up for the class can do so at the extension office, 316 E. Oxford. Attendees must register at least three days prior to the desired class.

More information on the class is available at coparenting.okstate.edu.

"We want to teach parents to work together now, and to put aside past hurts and tensions," Rauh said. "The best reason for the class is the children. If we can make a difference in one child's life with co-parenting, it's worthwhile."


Source: http://www.enidnews.com/oklahoma/news/extension-course-teaches-parents-to-cooperate-in-divorce/article_f4abb897-2216-5099-a717-fc9fe53c5335.html

5 Back to School Strategies for Divorced or Divorcing Parents

There’s a long-held belief by divorce professionals that New Year’s Day kicks off “the divorce season.” So if that’s true, and your divorce began earlier in the year, it will likely be finalized by summer’s end. Leading to a significant change in physical, financial and emotional circumstances for you and your children.

Right before the start of a new school year.

So what can you do to make it easier for your children as summer winds down and they prepare to go back to school — with newly divorced or divorcing parents? Here are five strategies to ease the transition from married to divorced. And keep your children on track for the upcoming school year.

Strategy #1: Keep Child Custody Arrangements Consistent

If you have minor children, during your divorce proceedings, you agreed on a custody sharing plan for them. Outlining where they would go after school and sleep on school days and weekends. Sticking to the plan and/or creating one that’s consistent from week-to-week can go a long way towards easing the confusion your children may feel as they enter the school year under these new circumstances.

They may now have two different bus routes, need to pack a bag depending on which items are at which house and have to remember whose house they’re staying over at on a given night. If your parenting plan is constantly switching week to week, your poor child is going to have a lot of trouble knowing where to go, what to bring and what bus they’re going to have to get on.

So it’s important you come up with a plan that doesn’t vary wildly from one week to another. And is easy for both you and your kids to remember.

Strategy #2: Leverage Technology to Improve Communication

Difficulty communicating is common for couples who divorce. So if you think it was difficult to communicate when you were living under the same roof, try doing it from separate households. With everything kids have going on these days, how will you keep each other apprised of their activities, schoolwork, doctor’s appointments, field trips, etc. so you can actively co-parent?

Leverage technology by using a shared online calendar and place the children’s activities, schoolwork due, etc. on it. This way, you can each access it from your computer or phone and be fully informed of the kids’ schedules.

Strategy #3: Inform Teachers and Counsellors

While less common these days, you may need to help kids deal with the stigma of your divorce. It’s a good idea to make their counselor or favorite teacher aware of your divorce so they can keep an eye on things.

Kids may not want to or know how to express what they’re feeling and instead it may present as poor performance in school, bullying or even drug or alcohol abuse. And since a favorite teacher or counselor isn’t their parent, your child may be more comfortable opening up to them about how they’re feeling.

Strategy #4: Develop an Expense Tracking and Sharing System

Now that you’re no longer living together as an “intact family,” you’ll need to put a system in place to handle the extraordinary financial expenditures that aren’t a part of your traditional child support arrangement. Field trips, book fairs, and all of those other things that kids come home from school needing money for. And if your parenting plan is set up in such a manner where the children are spending every night during the school week with you, chances are, you’re the parent who is going to be solicited for the cash. You’ll need to have a way to keep track of these expenses monthly so that you and your ex can each share in paying for them.

Consider opening a shared bank account where each of you deposits funds into it. And keep a running tab online using a free document sharing solution like Google Docs. Then much like when filling out an expense report for a company, you can gather up your receipts and expenditures, enter them into the document and discuss with your ex who will pay for what.

Trust between the two of you may be difficult, but is critical to your long-term ability to successfully co-parent your children. And this is a good way to build it.

Strategy #5: Keep a Unified Front

At the end of the day, you are still both responsible for raising your children. And your marital status shouldn’t impact that in the least. So be sure to keep things consistent as the children move from mom’s house to dad’s house. Simple things such as enforcing the same bedtime to keeping similar routines such as homework first before TV, etc. can go a long way towards avoiding arguments about differing parenting styles.

And while they may not like to admit it, kids thrive on routine. So keeping a unified front at both houses to provide a consistent parenting experience while eliminating the age old argument of “why can’t I stay out until midnight? I can when I’m at mom’s / dad’s house!” Kids are very good at figuring out who’s the softie and who’s the disciplinarian!

By keeping these five tips in mind, you and your ex can help make your divorce easier on your children as they get ready to go back to school

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/cheryl-and-joe-dillon/5-back-to-school-strategi_b_5659107.html

Kids, divorce, and school success

It's best to keep the focus on the kids, and leave parents' egos aside to help kids achieve success in school. Here are some tips to help.

Going through a divorce can be a painful process for everyone involved. Children often feel caught in the middle, and the stress can affect their performance in school. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Experts and parents who have been there say that with good communication, effective planning, heightened awareness of problems that might arise, and time to iron out the difficulties, families can emerge with positive, supportive relationships and kids can be successful in school, too.

Keep the focus on the child

Family counselors, authors, parents and even the kids who’ve been through it agree: The main thing is to focus on what’s best for the child. They provide us with a wealth of tips for helping divorced families cope and helping their kids achieve academic success.
“When there’s a divorce, it can feel like your whole world is crashing in,” says Mary Lynn Crow, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of education at the University of Texas at Arlington. She sees a tendency for divorced parents to focus on survival first because of the intense turmoil and fears that a divorce can cause. “But maintaining support for the child,” she adds, “gives parents something positive to focus on. Sometimes that can help to ease the strain of divorce as well as benefit the child.”

“Just as there are good and bad marriages, so there are good and bad divorces,” says Marian Wilde, a senior editor at GreatSchools and a divorced parent. “In a good divorce, parents can continue to co-parent and communicate with each other. Much of what divorced parents need to communicate about is logistical: Who has homework? When is it due? Who needs a permission slip signed? It can be tough the first year of divorce when parents are focused on creating arrangements and dealing with lawyers. But it’s important to be aware of what’s happening with your child.” She adds that with good communication, family relations do get better over time. “Things tend to mellow out,” she says.

Make a plan — for homework, after-school activities, and college costs

Effective planning is key to lessening conflict, making sure everyone is in agreement about expectations and helping your child focus on school. The more that can be clearly laid out the better — that includes communication with teachers, household policies on homework and TV, who will attend school functions, and even what kids should wear to school.

“For younger kids, they should agree on the same homework procedures down to the details. For example, when the child gets home from school, will she have snack, then playtime and then do homework or will she do her homework first? It’s better if both parents can agree on the same routine,” says Crow. She suggests parents come to an agreement about after-school activities, too — how many activities the kids will do, who will pay for what and how school performance and concerns will affect after-school activities. She adds, “It’s key that parents sit down together, if they can, and draw up these procedures. If necessary, they should hire a mediator to help devise a plan they can agree on.”

Risa Garon, author of Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce and executive director of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, Maryland, advises parents to agree on academic concerns for older kids, too, and plan accordingly. Do both parents agree that the child should go to college? Can they agree on a range of costs and what each parent is willing to pay for tuition? They should agree on what courses the child should take in high school to prepare for college. They should agree on what types of colleges the child will consider and who will take the child to visit colleges, and whoever accompanies the child should agree to report back to the other parent.

Have consistent rules and provide support

“It’s important to have consistent rules, have expectations and provide support,” says Crow. “There can be a tendency for divorced parents to be permissive, to think, ‘Well, he’s had so much stress, I’ll just do his homework for him or I won’t check to see if he is getting and doing his homework.’ That is a mistake,” says Crow. Garon adds that it’s important for kids going through a divorce to have discipline. “Consistency in parental expectations and discipline provides security and structure,” she says.

Think of the other parent as your business partner

“Parents need to communicate as co-parents. Think of being a co-parent like being a business partner. This will take emotion out of the equation,” says Garon. She suggests that parents agree to communicate once a week and always away from the child. They should agree ahead of time about the topics of the conversation and keep their focus on what is going to help their child be successful in school. Keep the conversation short, respectful, and keep blaming and judging out of the dialogue.

“Most parenting agreements are about how much time the child will have with each parent, and where the child will be for holidays,” she notes. “But it is more important to focus on what the needs of the child are, rather than time spent with each parent. Focusing in this way can help to take away anger as part of the conversation.” For example, if a child has a science project due, discuss the logistics of how it is going to get done. If the child will be with one parent for three days, then that parent should inform the other parent where the child is on the project and make sure the child has everything he needs to complete his assignment when he is with the other parent.

“When you have a conversation about your child and school, it should be as two parents talking about their child rather than as two ex-spouses talking to one another,” says one child, now in his 20s, about his parents’ divorce. “And the focus should be proactive rather than reactive.”

“Parents should act like adults in front of their children,” says a young woman, now in college, about her parents’ divorce. “I remember having hurt feelings when I would hear my parents fighting on the telephone. I would feel especially bad for my dad, and it would turn me against my mom and make me feel bitter.”

Figure out how your child’s time will be divided

Unless there is a family history of violence or abuse, says Crow, children need to spend time with both of their parents. In joint custody arrangements, the key is coming up with a schedule that allows kids to spend significant time with each parent without creating too many unnecessary transitions for the child. Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons, authors of Don’t Divorce Your Children, advise having blocks of time with the child. They advise consulting friends who have been through divorce to find out what works and keeping the plan flexible or agreeing to an initial trial schedule that can be reevaluated after six months or a year.

One creative solution that has worked for some parents is the “nesting” arrangement, where the children stay in the primary household, and the parents take turns going back and forth to a separate residence.

“I don’t think that there is any one solution that is best in all situations,” says Wilde. “Some parents believe that the kids should have one primary residence and see their other parent for dinner once or twice during the week and then have sleepovers once a week, usually on the weekend. This works well if the parents live close enough. What you gain in cutting back on transitions, you lose in the child feeling that there’s no primary residence. It all depends on what the kids want, too. If they’re too young to know, then the parents should think about what is best for the kids.”

It’s a good idea to make sure the child has an organized way for transporting things from one house to the other, including important schoolwork, homework assignments, materials needed to complete assignments. Both parents should be aware of student schedules including when assignments are due, extracurricular activities, emergency procedures, so that there will be no surprises and stress will be greatly reduced. Agree ahead of time on parental responsibilities around assignments. Avoid putting your child in the middle by saying things like, “Get your father to help you with that.”

The schedule should have clear expectations but in the best situation, allow for flexibility. One child of divorce suggests that schedules can be kept flexible and problems avoided, if parents communicate via email and keep a central calendar, for example, on Google Calendar on the Internet. This young man suggests that both parents can mark important school dates and other events. Parents should plan to have a conversation once a month, he says, to discuss their child and answer the question, “How is he doing in school?” They shouldn’t wait for report cards to come out to discuss his progress.

Wilde suggests that if a child has a computer at both homes, she should email drafts of a paper or project to her own email address. That way, she can always access her work at either home and avoid the frustration of not having the latest version with her.

Rethink the schedule as your child grows

As kids grow and activities change, parents should take another look at the schedule and decide what is best for the child. “Even a satisfactory schedule requires some flexibility to respond to immediate crises or the acute needs of an individual child, ” authors Lewis and Sammons write in Don’t Divorce Your Children. “We would advise that every separation or divorce agreement should provide a simple mechanism for changing the schedule, or else, as happens in too many families, the schedule becomes a straightjacket resented by the children and one or both parents.”

Lexine Alpert, a San Francisco Bay Area divorced mom, advises that as the child gets older, he should be allowed to weigh in on the schedule, too. It should take into account his activities and his need to be in the home where he can see his peers, practice the piano or work on a paper on the computer.

Get both parents in the communication loop

Unless there is a legal reason not to, most experts agree that both parents should be listed as emergency contacts on school forms. When possible, both parents should receive communication from the school, including report cards and notices of important events. Parents should take responsibility to stay informed, and both parents should also be sure the other parent is in the communication loop.

“Parents may need to take an active role to work with the school to become an accepting place for all kinds of families,” says Wilde. “Teachers need to be brought along. They shouldn’t just talk about one type of family as the norm. It’s better if they can say, ‘Look at the wide variety of families we have and that’s OK.'” Garon advises school personnel to avoid terms like “broken homes” and focus instead on family strengths.

Jerry Hill, a California divorced dad, county supervisor and founder of the Fatherhood Collaborative of San Mateo County, offers this advice specifically to divorced dads: “It’s important to go to school on the first day. Talk with the teacher and let her know your goal is to be an equal parent, that you want to be included in all discussions and problems that may arise. Volunteer at school. It’s OK for a dad to be a room mom. It’s a good experience.”
“Parents need to understand a school’s communication cycle, how the teacher communicates and plug into it,” says Debra Collins, a San Francisco-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “The teacher is more likely to contact both parents if they know both parents. Teachers tend to favor moms so be aware of that. Dads need to raise the flag and say, ‘I am here, too. How do I stay involved?'”

“I think it’s better if both parents are equally involved at school,” said one young woman, now 18 years old and a college student. In her family, only her mother was involved at school, and she spent one or two days a week with her dad.

Erratic behavior from a parent — whether divorced or not — can be confusing for the child. One divorced mom, who asked that her name not be used, said that her ex-husband showed up unannounced at a parent-teacher conference. “When my ex did that, my son’s reaction was, ‘What is he doing here?’ It made him feel more uncomfortable than having him not be involved at all.”

Watch your child for warning signs

Parents should be on the alert for changes in their child’s behavior. These can be signs that the stress of divorce is taking a toll. Collins advises parents to be proactive and expect that there will be difficulties along the way. “Don’t wait until your child shows symptoms. Be proactive,” she says.

“Look for warning signs that stress levels may be affecting performance — changes in temper, sleeping or eating,” says Crow. “Does your child lock himself in his room? Is he spending too much time on the computer? Are his grades changing? It’s a sign other behaviors are changing, too.” She advises talking to the child, reading books about divorce written for kids and getting help from a counselor or support group if necessary.

Doing exceedingly well in school can be a sign of problems too. Garon adds, “Be aware of a child who is getting all A’s but isn’t doing anything else.” This can be an indication that the child is burying himself in his schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else, and that’s not necessarily healthy either. “Often parents are not sure when it comes to behavior what is divorce-related and what is not,” she notes. “When in doubt, parents should not hesitate to reach out for help and get their child assessed by a child psychologist or counselor. It’s a sign of health and strength to reach for support when it’s needed.”

Alpert advises parents to work closely with their child’s teachers and to trust their advice. It’s difficult if teachers suggest tutoring or extra help and one parent disagrees. “You have to move away from your ideas and opinions and defer to them,” she notes.

Think about how to handle parent-teacher conferences

Whenever possible, it’s best if both parents who take an active role in their child’s education attend the parent-teacher conference together. That way what one parent hears, the other parent hears, too, and at the same time. If the relationship is too contentious or logistics make it impossible, then separate conferences at the very least keep both parents involved.
Stay in touch even when a parent lives far away

Regardless of distance, it’s important to communicate regularly about the child’s progress in school. With email, a parent far away can communicate with the school and the teacher to stay informed. A parent far away can request to have school information sent separately. When there’s regular communication, there will be fewer surprises and less to argue about as issues arise. “It’s very tough to be a parent from a distance,” says Crow. “The custodial parent should take it as her responsibility to see that the noncustodial parent is informed about what is happening in school. Have a telephone conference with both parents and teacher if necessary.”

“Just because there is distance doesn’t mean one parent doesn’t need to be involved,” notes Garon. “The parent who is far away should try to have consistent communication with the school and the teachers, and should take responsibility for making an effort to show up when there is a significant event at the school. Kids create mental pictures and remember when parents make an effort, put their differences aside and come together for their sake.”

Source: https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/kids-divorce-and-school-success/

Fighting parents might be more harmful to child development than divorce, study suggests

The damage caused to a child's development during a family breakdown is done before the parents separate, a study suggests.

Researchers at the University of York say children of divorcees are around 30 per cent more likely to have behaviour or emotional issues because of the arguing at home they have witnessed.

The research was based on data from 19,000 children born in the UK in 2000 and looked at 'non-cognitive' skills such as behaviour, emotional issues and interaction with peers.

The findings were presented at the Royal Economic Society's annual conference in Bristol.
The study also found that children of divorce perform about 20 per cent lower for cognitive skills. This gap is largely down to parents' education and finances, the study suggested.

Divorced parents

Gloria Moroni, from the Department of Economics and Related Studies, said: "The main result of my research is that the fact that children of divorced parents have on average lower cognitive and non-cognitive skills compared with children of intact families is not necessarily due to divorce itself.

"Most of the damage is given by pre-divorce circumstances and characteristics of the family.
"For example, parents who decide to divorce may also be lower-educated, may also be poorer, or they may have more conflictual relationships.

Cognitive gaps

She added: "The most interesting thing is that when comparing cognitive and non-cognitive skills, what we find is that cognitive gaps are mainly driven by the fact that parents who decide to divorce are also for example, less educated and have lower financial resources.

"But on the other hand, the non-cognitive gaps are mostly driven by the fact that parents who divorce have more conflictual relationships."

Dr Moroni said that the results suggest that interventions that encourage parents to co-operate, or that make them aware of the negative impact of conflicts on children, could help to close these non-cognitive gaps.


Source: https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-04-parents-child-divorce.html#jCp

Divorcing With Dignity Summit - June 2017 - Have you Registered?

Get registered for FREE on the Divorcing With Dignity Summit, starting June 10th 2017 and hear me and 20 other speakers being interviewed on how to build your ideal life after divorce.


Register at http://bit.ly/DWDthazlewood to claim your free place!


I'll see you in there!

Arnold's 6 Rules Of Success (Full Speech)

Wise words from a really wise guy! I'm a big fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger and inspired by all he has done in life. 


What do you think?

6 Habits That Turn Dreams Into Reality

The secret of turning wishful thinking into a life of action and achievement.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be an entrepreneur. I discussed this aspiration with career advisors, family and friends. I outlined my plans in university student kitchens at three in the morning. It was the main conversation in the staff cafeteria of the large corporation I joined to tide me over until I launched my enterprise. I met up with an old friend whom I had not seen for fifteen years, and we chatted about old times. After the talk of foreign assignments, pension plans and leadership roles had died off, I mentioned that I was looking to start my own company. My friend took my hands in hers, looked me in the eye and said, “Ric, you´ve been talking about that dream for twenty years. Don´t you think it´s time to do something about it?” 

Walt Disney once said, “The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” I finally turned my dream into a reality, not by wishing upon a star, but by converting it into a concrete vision. Today, I own my own leadership development company.

Dreams and visions are quite different.

 
 Dreams are…                                               Visions are…

Inward looking Ephemeral Aspirational

Outward looking Enduring Intentional

A dream is something, a vision does something; a dream is a place to be, a vision is a place to go. A vision, in other words, is more structured, intentional, enduring and rooted in daily living than mere wishful thinking.

Related: Richard Branson: The Key to Success Is Intention

In his seminal text, The Path of Least Resistance, Robert Fritz describes a vision as a hybrid between future state (the result you want to create) and current reality (the starting point). Fritz argues there is an inherent tension between these two states that can help you “organize your actions, focus your values, and clearly see what is relevant in current reality.”

Moving from one to the other. 

And herein lies the secret of turning ephemeral dreams into tangible outcomes, of launching that company that's been on the bucket list for decades, or publishing that novel that´s been languishing in the bottom drawer since the dawn of time -- it´s being able to structure the dream into something that inspires action and momentum.

Here are six habits that can help turn dreams into tangible outcomes:

1. Materialize your dream using visualization. 

Visualization, or what Shakti Gowain calls ‘Creative visualization’ in her book of the same title, is a technique in creating what you want from life using the power of imagination. Using some common visualization techniques can help participants convert their dreams into future possibilities. Sportsmen and women, for example, use visualization to inspire them toward excellence and success in competitive events. Visualization techniques are also widely used in business contexts for people to create goals and aspirations for themselves.

Related: 4 Visualization Techniques That Can Propel Your Success

2. Prioritize your dreams.

One of the habits in Covey´s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, is to begin with the end in mind. Having a clear idea of what you want to achieve and being able to prioritize sundry aspirations into a single sustainable “highest goal,” as Michael Ray terms it, is a way of beginning to work strategically with your dreams. Goals should have a degree of tension --not too removed from current reality (which will make them impossible to achieve), neither should they be easily attainable. Consider an elastic band. A slack elastic band has no tension. An overstretched elastic band can snap. Fixing a goal which is challenging, but not impossible, motivates us to work toward our vision. Fritz says in Creating, “In fire building, a log on top of the pile will drive the flames upward. In the creative process, a place that is bigger and higher than where you have gone so far can increase momentum, energy and creative power.” 

3. Set key milestones. 

Warren Bennis once said, “Mountain climbers don’t start climbing from the bottom of the mountain. They look at where they want to go and work backward to where they’re starting from.” It is the same for goal setting -- when you begin with the end in mind and set an action plan, you can begin to work backwards and set interim goals which advance you toward your vision. Achieving things in small incremental steps has great power. Professor Stephen Morris posited a theory that if dominoes were lined up starting with five millimeters and increasing in size by one and half times, it will take just 29 dominoes to knock over the Empire State Building. Best-selling author, Ramit Sethi,applies this principle to goal setting in his domino strategy which advocates starting small and creating momentum through incremental steps.

Related: How Marking Milestones Boosts Employee Productivity

4. Monitor progress. 

One of the benefits of a structured approach to goal and vision setting is that individuals can clearly see how each action and effort propels them toward their highest goal. This helps build momentum and motivation. Dreams, on the other hand, are wispy by nature and it can be baffling to know how to get a handle on them.

5. Enlist support.

Dreams that are not anchored in reality and lack structure or outcome can be crushed by “dream stealers.” In his poem, "The Cloths of Heaven," WB Yeats writes: "I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

A realistic, goal-orientated vision withstands all these negative forces and increases the likelihood of people sharing their vision. In his book Synchronicity, Joe Jaworski explores the positive outcomes of openly sharing structured goals and visions -- people begin to understand your aspirations and priorities and how they can contribute to your success.

6. Know when to give up.

I know we are taught through motivational stories that we can achieve whatever we put our minds to and make our dreams come true; but as Robert Fritz says, goal attainment is linked to current reality. Give up on those unrealistic dreams that suck up your energy and creativity and set achievable aspirations -- otherwise that elastic band will keep snapping in your face.

We should never stop dreaming; after all, our dreams are what makes us human. They shape and guide us. But there is a world of difference between being a dreamer and transitioning your dreams into something tangible. This ability to build personal momentum and achieve realistic objectives is the cornerstone of self-mastery, and every effective entrepreneur that I have ever met gets this right.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/284511

Education, Decision, Action - Notes from a Personal Development Summit

Ready, aim, fire.

On your marks, get-set, go.

Mirror, signal, manoeuvre.

There’s something about a three-step process that makes the final step feel like a foregone conclusion. I suspect it’s because steps 1 and 2 bring order and logic, preparing the participants for what is coming in step 3.

I’m pretty good at going with the flow in life. I’m frequently described as ‘laid-back’ and consider change as one of the main constants in my existence but I like a bit of order and appreciate a formula for success as much as anyone. I’ve a tendency to make life-changing decisions without having always educated myself as to the possible consequences of my actions and as such a 3 step mantra would undoubtedly be useful in keeping me on track.

History also shows that I’m prone to doing things in a different order to most other people, or at least at atypical points in life. My first child was born when I was still 23 (when I was far from emotionally or financially prepared) but I made a go of it. I didn’t discover my love of music festivals until the age of 30 when most of my contemporaries were putting their tents back in the loft for the last time. It took me until the age of 36 to meet the love of my life who is now my second (and final) wife. I shunned sports and fitness for much of my adulthood until my late thirties when I decided to get a trainer and challenge myself physically and I’ve since balanced this interest alongside healing the frequent injuries and seeking the necessary medical help to nurse my ageing and increasingly fragile frame through the demands I place upon it.

In keeping with this approach to life, I’ve only recently opened my mind to the field of Personal Development.

How ironic then that having finally discovered the life-changing opportunities for self-improvement open to me, that the main theme of this weekend’s summit, was:

Education — Decision — Action.

I won’t provide the exact details of the course since that’s not the purpose of this blog, nor do I have any direct affiliation to the organisation that hosted it (other than as a satisfied customer). The pertinent facts are these; my wife and I committed to spend one precious weekend of child-free time to explore opportunities, seek motivation and to meet like-minded individuals who shared an interest in identifying opportunities for freedom from constraints of time and finance.

That it took until just after my 41st birthday to open my mind to this is probably down to a variety of things, most significant of which would be closed-mindedness coupled with a healthy serving of cynicism and arrogance on my part. I have lead something of a charmed life and in spite of various setbacks have always seemed to bounce back, to come up smelling of roses. In the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection and whilst the successes I’ve enjoyed both personally and professionally have been gratifying, I’d started to feel like I was missing the point somehow.

Call it what you like, whether the early signs of a mid-life crisis or perhaps just a heightened curiosity as to how I might feel more fulfilled but since the end of summer 2016 I’ve been immersing myself in personal development books, audio and web-based seminars, all with the intention of increasing my free-time, income and peace of mind.

I’ve even started meditating.

The next logical step seemed then to devote some time to attending a group conference with a view to seeing what this could add into the mix. And so it was that my long-suffering wife and I undertook the 3 hour drive late last Friday evening to attend this event.

2 days to change your life

With two exhausting days behind me I cannot yet proclaim myself an ‘old-hand’ but I’m a good deal abler to make a few reasoned observations, all of which reflect my own views and perspective.

It’s fair to say that my world has been thoroughly turned upside down (for the better I should add).

The purpose of the event (which is probably much the same for many of these types of session) was to bring together a group of like-minded individuals in a conference venue to meet, exchange ideas, to have their eyes-opened to new possibilities and to introduce them to alternative ways of viewing the world and of achieving what they want to achieve. In this instance the emphasis was upon both personal development and entrepreneurialism.

All speakers offered philosophies, tactics, business specialisms and systems for achieving what you want to get out of life; in most cases to free up time and to make money from sources other than a typical 9 to 5 exchange of time for a salary. All of this was anchored to the three simple steps:

- Education

- Decision

- Action

What I liked most.

The weekend genuinely opened my mind to real, practical, implementable ideas and strategies that when in place will enrich my life and that of my family.

It wasn’t about ‘get-rich-quick’ schemes or easy paths to fulfilment and inner peace, but rather about a holistic way of approaching life that addresses the pain-points that many share, and simultaneously of helping to achieve the goals and aims that so many of us have, if only in presumably never-to-be-fulfilled dreams.

I’ve seen evidence of new ways to do things from people who seemingly came from similar circumstances as me and who shared the same goals and challenges as I have. I firmly believe through their examples and methods that if I commit to my decisions and most importantly take actions to implement these (something it was suggested that most others don’t do) then I will free up time and lead a more prosperous and enriched life and be a better father, husband, friend and professional; professional-what is still up for debate.

The speakers were also without exception, entertaining, engaging and interesting (as you’d expect given that they were no doubt all well-rehearsed and trained), and each had a personal story to tell rather than just a product or service to sell.

This ensured the weekend wasn’t just a series of dry presentations of theory and principle or ‘death by PowerPoint’ but instead interactive discussions interlaced with philosophy and practicality. The energy of the room was kept high and audience and speaker interaction was an expectation.

What I liked less.

So, it wasn’t all about the product to sell. However, the crescendo of many sessions was the opportunity to pay for and enrol on further training hosted by the speaker and offered at a never to be repeated discount, available only for the next 20 minutes by paying at the back of the room. This isn’t surprising given the theme of the weekend and I firmly subscribe to the viewpoint that education is essential to enable one to make changes, to do new things and to do them differently. I wish at this point I could afford to invest in all the training (and more importantly to take the action required to complete it); one day, I will.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Albert Einstein

The quote above was offered in at least one session; education (and then taking the decision to act on that learning) is key to making change.

During the two days (and they were long days too, starting around 8am and finishing after 6pm) attendees were introduced to products and services (mainly training courses and self-study packs) that would allow them to conquer business and/or personal pain-points, devised by the presenters based on their experience. I went there expecting this and would have been disappointed if it hadn’t materialised since I genuinely went seeking opportunities for relevant learning.

What I found difficult to rationalise was that the speakers, almost without exception left the audience feeling that if they weren’t rushing to sign-up in the moment, they somehow didn’t ‘get it’ and weren’t destined to achieve the goals they were there to learn to achieve. I don’t believe this was entirely how it was meant to come over for if so it would be neither fair nor representative; like us I believe many in the audience were unable to run to the 4-figure costs associated with most of these products, as much as they may have wanted to.

We had chosen which areas interested us most and both enrolled in these at the appropriate points during the weekend. To surmise that we weren’t interested in achieving greatness because we weren’t rushing to sign up to other sessions was unfair and we each have a genuine desire to throw ourselves whole-heartedly into the courses we’ve chosen, to act on the decisions and to embrace the education. Could this effort risk being diluted by signing up for everything and giving no single thing our full-attention?

To counter this misperception, on more than one occasion I felt compelled to approach the presenter after the session to thank them for their talk (which was heartfelt) but also to offer a stuttering apology for not having signed up, emphasising that I would do in future. I hope that the gratitude was perceived as true, and the desire to learn from them also, for in both cases my words were genuine.

Action

Part of my renewed focus on Personal Development after the summer was embodied by a significant action step of routinely awakening to start my day at 5am. I have done this since then (allowing myself a little slack at weekends) in a bid to feel like I can take action and to get more value out of the day by tackling some value-generating tasks before I head to work; this small step has been rewarding in itself.

More recently I’ve started incorporating daily guided meditation in my life during this extra time, reading and listening to audio books whenever I can, and generally utilising my time as best I can. My current challenge is in how to do all the things that I want to do and achieve my goals within the limited number of productive hours I can extract from the day.

This is one of the most self-evident challenges I foresee in personal development journey, and at present I find the burden of choice over where next to direct my efforts in order to achieve the goals that I have set for myself to be significant if not insurmountable.

The extraordinary array of genuine opportunities that I’ve been given over the weekend to learn and implement new things is truly exciting and exhilarating. To receive this opportunity on top of all the other things I already wanted to do in my life has contributed to the slight feelings of overwhelm that I’m currently experiencing too.

Nonetheless I’ll do what I vowed to myself to do, and ensure that off the back of the weekend’s education follows the decision to make changes and the consistent actions to make this happen.

Toby Hazlewood

Toby Writes on topics including Personal Development, Diet, Exercise and Weight Loss and Parenting. You can find details on more of his products and services at shared-stuff.com, ez-lean.blogspot.com, gratitude-and-growth.blogspot.com