Extension course teaches parents to cooperate in divorce

Divorce can be one of the most traumatic events in a child's life. A course taught through Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service is working to help reduce that trauma to Oklahoma's children by teaching parents to better communicate and cooperate after divorce.

Lesa Rauh, Garfield County extension educator for family and consumer sciences, said the extension designed the "Co-Parenting for Resilience" curriculum more than 20 years ago. 

Enrollment in the program statewide has increased since 2014, when a state law went into effect requiring divorcing couples with minor children to attend a parenting education class.
Garfield County was one of the first counties in the state to offer the program, Rauh said, and it is offered once per month.

Rauh said each class begins with sharing statistics on how divorce affects children.
"It's one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a child, and it can take five years for a child to recover from that trauma," Rauh said.

She said children often exhibit emotional outbursts, changes in behavior patterns, regression in development and can carry depressive symptoms into adulthood, all as a result of emotional trauma experienced during their parents' divorce.

"Children of divorce are more likely to drop out of school, to get involved with drugs and alcohol, and to get in trouble," Rauh said. "We want to break those statistics and we think co-parenting can do that."

After educating parents on the damage divorce can do to their kids, Rauh said the program moves into helping parents plan for ways to effectively communicate in the child's best interest after divorce.

"We help them design arrangements to agree in a non-confrontational manner, to put aside past differences and hurts for the good of the children," Rauh said.

She said a lot of the challenge for newly divorced parents is to simply communicate with each other without forcing the children to carry information back and forth between parents.
"Often in a divorce situation what gets put in the middle is the children and their possessions," Rauh said. "We encourage them to use technology to communicate, rather than passing messages through the children."

Setting aside the emotions that attend divorce can be difficult. Rauh said many couples find it easier to maintain objectivity when they can step back and look at co-parenting in a new light: as a business.

"We like to tell parents it costs about $250,000 to get a child from birth to age 18," Rauh said, adding that figure is about how much it costs to purchase a fast food franchise.

"What would it look like if you went into business with a partner and bought a franchise?" Rauh said. "How would you work with your partner? Would you argue and get into conflict with them, or would you use professional communications and manners to work with your partner for the good of your business?"

She said many parents are better able to plan for co-parenting in divorce if they can set aside the hurt feelings from a lost marriage, and think instead of their ex-spouse as a "business partner in the business of raising a child."

Like any good business, effective co-parenting requires a solid plan.

"If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there," Rauh said. "We want co-parents to create a roadmap and a vision for where they want their kids in the future."

Many divorced couples end up with inflexible guidelines that don't meet their needs, simply because they didn't plan ahead for how they would manage child visitation, exchanges of property and how to share holidays.

"We want them to work out the details and go to the judge and say, 'This is what's going to work for our family,'" Rauh said, "because if they don’t have a plan the judge is going to make one for them."

Rauh said most parents aren't receptive to the training when they first arrive, especially since it's a court-mandated class. But, she said, surveys taken at the beginning and end of the class, and again six months afterward, show parents' perceptions of the co-parenting curriculum shift significantly.

"What we find is the majority of the parents who come in are really emotional, they’re hurt and they just want to get this over with," Rauh said. "But, they leave feeling like 'I’m going to be a better parent,' and they have hope for the future of their family."

"Everyone seems to walk away with some nugget of truth, some inspiration they can use with their parenting skills," Rauh said.

According to survey results provided by Rauh, 96 percent of participants in the class report they "learned new ways to be an effective parent during and after divorce," and 21 percent answered that they "increased their confidence and ability to parent."

Rauh said the co-parenting class is open to all parents; you don't need to be going through divorce or a paternity or custody proceeding in order to attend the class.

Anyone who wants to sign up for the class can do so at the extension office, 316 E. Oxford. Attendees must register at least three days prior to the desired class.

More information on the class is available at coparenting.okstate.edu.

"We want to teach parents to work together now, and to put aside past hurts and tensions," Rauh said. "The best reason for the class is the children. If we can make a difference in one child's life with co-parenting, it's worthwhile."


Source: http://www.enidnews.com/oklahoma/news/extension-course-teaches-parents-to-cooperate-in-divorce/article_f4abb897-2216-5099-a717-fc9fe53c5335.html