Be Your Own Best Friend

Have you ever heard the following joke, “Well enough about me...let’s talk about you. So... what do you think about me?” This article is all about YOU. Dedicate the next seven days to your inner and outer self.

Use the following questions to determine, “What about me?”

1. Do I eat a minimum of three well-balanced meals daily?
2. Do I hydrate enough so that my urine is clear?
3. Do I get a minimum of seven hours of deep sleep each night?
4. Do I think and/or talk to myself with positive affirmations?
5. Do I avoid harmful over-indulgences?
6. Do I choose friends that make me mentally, physically and spiritually better?
7. Do I swiftly manage the stress in my life?
8. Do I only go into the past for non-emotional evaluation or to reminisce in a positive way with a friend?
9. Do I only go into the future for planning my Visions and Goals with corresponding tactics and strategies?
10. Do I do what I love and love what I do?
11. Do I only think of what I want, as opposed to what I don’t want in life?
12. Do I prioritize a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly to-do list?
13. Do I take periodic breaks, mini-vacations and full vacations to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul?
14. Do I adhere to the Golden Rule of “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them”
15. Do I treat myself like a Champion?

If the answer is “No” to any of these questions, then make it right. Create an action plan, if necessary. Commit to it. See yourself doing it in finished state. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations! You are on the right path.

Place this short questionnaire in safekeeping. Use it periodically to see if you’re treating your best friend, YOU, like a champion. With strains of the economy and the demands of society increasing, it is time to place your awareness on YOU.

For over 40 years, most of my clients that initially arrived to my doorstep had put themselves last. They had placed their “happy eggs” in baskets of Career, Relationships or Parenting, neglecting the very thing that makes everything possible.

How do you become your best friend?

Love yourself and it will be easier to showcase love for others and find reciprocating love. Respect yourself and you’ll gain respect from others. Speak positive to yourself and positive people and opportunities will arrive.

Avoid self-deprecating humor. Avoid phrases like...

• “I figured that would happen.”
• “If I didn’t have any bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”
• “I’m an idiot!” or “I suck at...”
• “I’m too old for this.”
• “Life’s an endless grind.”
• “I told you that wouldn’t work.”
• “That’s just the way it goes.”
• “You can’t expect to succeed all of the time.”
• “You win some and you lose some.”
• “There’s not enough time in the day.”
• “If I had better direction, I would perform better.”
• “Why try? It’s not appreciated. It does me no good.”
• “I’m just going to do my job and keep my mouth shut.”

Have you uttered any of the above phrases? No more put downs or beating yourself up, especially in front of others. No more victim and or judge thoughts or statements.

End negative self-talk

If your daily inner dialogue could be printed out, it would reveal if you are your best friend or not. I’ve told many clients, “If I talked to you like you talk to you, you’d fire me.”

Sell you on you. As your self-worth increases, a magnetic force of attraction will expand. Most of the things you need and want in life will arrive.

It’s time to “Be Your Own Best Friend.”

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-fannin/be-your-own-best-friend_1_b_13050648.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

7 Thoughtful Ways to Stress Less

Let go a little to be happier and live better.

How many of you want to grow old faster? What, no takers?!

Well, did you know you accelerate your aging when you regularly experience stress or anxiety? Seriously, if you’re too tired or too wired, take note of the seven strategies here to help you stress a little less:

1. Give up the daily guilt.

Let’s get some perspective. Too many of us waste time feeling guilty that our life is out of balance, but you’ll never feel balanced as long as you have goals and dreams. Why? There’s always way too much to do, to learn, to accomplish.

If you’re like me and have passion for your work, it’s easy to lose yourself in your tasks and projects since they bring you joy. At a certain point, however, I have to consciously ditch work to spend time with friends and family (minus my phone).

Quit thinking you need to “touch” everything each day and look at how “balanced” your life is over a period of time, not a specific day of the week. Take this one step farther and realize that it’s about being balanced over your lifetime. It all evens out.

2. Realize good is good enough.

Any other recovering perfectionists out there? Stop wasting time creating the “perfect” proposal, letter or marketing brochure, seeking the ideal gift for your nephew, the best comforter for your bedroom, or the supremely clean house. Stop at 80 percent and move on to the next task. Otherwise, hours of your life are wasted and nobody notices the difference but you. Get over yourself and take a step closer to acceptance.

3. Snooze, or lose.

Yeah, I can hear you stress puppies already: “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” But the point is you will be dead sooner as a result. Exhaustion is not a badge of honor. Without sleep, you are worthless to yourself and those around you.

Staying up even one hour later to finish a task or watch Grey’s Anatomy costs you more than your health. Try irritability, trouble retaining information, minor illness, poor judgment, increased mistakes and even weight gain. A Harvard Business Review study of 975 global managers determined that 45 percent of high-earning managers are too pooped to even speak to their spouse or partner after work. This is your wake-up call to get your ZZZ’s.

4. Scale back on drive time.

When choosing a new doctor, dentist, hairdresser, whatever, find one as close to home as possible. Bonus: with gas so expensive, think of the savings! The same holds true when finding activities for any family members—stay local. Sure the ideal preschool, soccer club or SAT study group may be a longer commute, but add up all the drive time in advance and ask if it’s really worth it before committing to rush-hour jams and early alarm clocks.

Still determined? Set up carpools and recognize you don’t have to be at every activity. Sure it’s fun to participate, but your child will not turn into a serial killer if you miss a few games or performances.

5. Say no to others so you can say yes to you.

Are you turning down distractions disguised as opportunities? Are you being asked to join social sites that are leaving you no time to network with the people under your roof? Are you still knocking yourself out to host the annual Labor Day party when all you see is the labor ahead?

It’s not selfish to say no to others when the intent is to clear some space to say yes to you. Life does go on even if you aren’t involved in every activity, party or event. Look at it this way: Being missed makes you more interesting and appreciated when you do show up.

6. Power off.

The quickest way to gain downtime is to turn off the phone, TV and computer and enjoy the lack of distractions. I’ve spoken to people who feel anxious when their DVR is overloaded with recordings and they don’t have the time to watch their shows. C’mon, do you really need to know who’s getting kicked off the island or what has-been star can dance?

Some people say TV relaxes them, but I believe it’s more of a habit than a way to lower stress. TV just numbs you, and when the show’s over, your pressures resurface. Same with the computer. Sure, it’s great to connect with old friends on Facebook, but do you really need to know what someone ate for dinner?

Rather than screen sucking, grab that unopened book from your shelf, call a good friend or grab a cup of your favorite beverage and reflect on your day.

7. Embrace the messiness.

Having been raised by not one but two neat freaks, my old mantra was: There is a place for everything and everything belongs in its place. When I was single, the television remote stayed in the same spot, my pillows were strategically placed, and the countertops were void of dishes.

Now that I share my life with a family, the opposite is true. My new mantra: A clean house doesn’t define you; it confines you. Even with twice-monthly help, my house is usually messy—not dirty, but messy… big difference and one I’m learning to live with if I want to have a life outside of cleaning.

Embrace the messiness. It comes with the territory and means you’re leading a busy,fulfilling life—not a Stepford existence.

And if all else fails, remember you’re too blessed to be stressed! It’s impossible to feel stress and be grateful at the same time. When you’re on overwhelm, simply take a deep breath and count your blessings—works every time.

Source: http://www.success.com/article/7-thoughtful-ways-to-stress-less

From Surviving to Thriving

Days after my tsunami divorce, my mom turned to me and told me I would survive.

I actually got angry and responded rather strongly, “No, I will not survive. I will thrive. To do anything less is to remain his victim.”

I saw surviving as the bare minimum, the mere intake of breath and food in order to go through the motions of life. I refused to settle for that. I wanted more. It felt insurmountable, yet the vision and hope remained intact.

Inspired by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, these goals can serve to help you navigate the challenging path after divorce and take you from merely surviving to thriving.

Survive

The first tier of goals are about your literal survival. In the beginning, it is enough to simply focus on your next breath. And then the one after that. The goal is to keep you alive and functioning. These physical needs must be addressed first before any further progress can be made.

Safety
The first priority is your immediate physical safety. If you have been a victim of domestic violence or if you have concerns that your ex may become violent, seek help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline can help point you to resources in your area. If abuse has not occurred, but you have concerns, contact your local police department. In my case, they graciously offered to do periodic drive-bys during the first few scary weeks. 

Shelter
Once your immediate safety has been secured, it is time to figure out your short-term or long-term housing. Consider all of your options carefully and make the choice that feels best for your (and your children’s) long term health and happiness. I knew I could not stay in the marital home due to financial and emotional reasons. I also knew that I was not ready to live alone; it would have been too isolating. I was fortunate to have a friend and her family offer their guest bedroom to me for the first year. It wasn’t ideal, but it was perfect.

Food
Post-divorce, people tend to fall into one of two camps when it comes to food. Some overindulge, using food as a way to soothe and self-medicate. Others lose all appetite and avoid food altogether. Neither approach is healthy physically or emotionally. Think of the food you eat as your basic input. You can’t expect a quality output when you put in garbage or nothing at all. In those early days and weeks when people ask how they can help, ask for a healthy meal. It just might be the fuel you need to see it through.

Sleep
Something about loss makes the nights seem endless, hours stretching further than any clock can convey. This is only amplified when you cannot sleep. I spent many nights sitting on the edge of my bed, legs shaking, tears pouring down my swollen face. Many nights where I arose never having slept. In the best of times, lack of sleep makes the smallest task overwhelming. During divorce? It makes it impossible. I resisted medication for weeks and then gave in when it became apparent that my body wouldn’t turn off on its own. Sleep is a priority. If it doesn’t happen naturally, seek medical help.

Alive
This is where your basic emotional needs are met. These goals take you out of survival mode and remind you what it feels like to be alive.

Breath
When you face loss, the chest has a tendency to tighten, bound by a corset of grief. The breath becomes shallow as struggle to hold on to anything, even the air held deep in your chest. Consciously work to invite the breath back into the body. I found yoga immensely helpful in teaching my body to breathe again, welcoming life back in to the body and mind.

Movement
Whether you were an avid exerciser before your divorce or you have always preferred the sedentary life, movement in some form is a key element in healing. Exercise reduces anxiety and depression, increases energy and builds confidence even as it builds muscle. It is a reminder of what it feels like to be fully alive, moving with energy and intention.

Touch
Humans are social creatures; we have evolved to touch and be touched. Friendly contact increases oxytocin, reduces cortisol and lowers anxiety. After divorce, it’s common to be touch-deficient at a time when you need its benefits the most. One of the ways I met this need after my split was to prioritize monthly massage sessions. It was a safe way that I could receive touch without the expectancy of reciprocity. Those precious hours on that table helped to rebuild my sense of self and stability. 

Laughter
One of my favorite pictures of myself is one where my now-husband then-boyfriend captured me in the middle of a huge, belly-shaking laugh. That was the first instance where I truly felt alive again after my ex left. The first moment where nothing mattered except that for that single moment. Laughter is the sound of life. And practice makes perfect. Find opportunities to smile and embrace them. You may feel like you’re faking it for a while. That’s okay. One day, that smile will be real and unclouded by the past.

Thrive
Once you’ve reentered life and mastered the basics of surviving, it’s time for the advanced curriculum. These goals are the instruments that can elevate you to a new level of happiness and fulfillment. 

Connection
Divorce has a way of shrinking your world, pulling back on the strings that connect you to others. The first step in thriving is to grow your world again. Open your arms. Tear down your barriers. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to love and be loved. I know for me this was the scariest step. Connection means forming new bonds that can be broken. And I remembered that pain all too well. Yet I wasn’t going to let the fear of heartbreak keep me in chains of my own making.

Passion
In my mind, thriving has always been linked with passion. It’s approaching life head-on with unbridled enthusiasm and spirit. It’s those moments and interests that pull you under and sweep you away. You can rekindle a former passion that you have let fall by the wayside or you can create a new one. In my former life, gardening was my passion; I would get lost in the palate of my plantings. My new life called for something new and I now paint with words rather than flowers. 

Creation
Divorce is the destruction of a marriage and what better way to counter that force that with that of creation. Everyone I encounter who is thriving after divorce works at creating beauty in the world. Some are artistic, creating portraits in pastels or words. Others seek to create havens for others to feel safe and secure. Some strive to change the divorce process, wanting to create a better experience for those who encounter the courts. And many strive to create the best life possible for their children. Regardless of your medium, let the tear-down of your marriage become the foundation for something new.

Service
The benefits of service are threefold: it reinforces your own gratitude, it helps you find peace with your past and it benefits others, spreading positive energy and interaction. Service can take many forms depending upon your gifts and strengths. Find a way to give back that is meaningful to you and helpful for others. There is no better way to feel fully alive than to help others live their best lives.

The road from survival to thriving isn’t a straight one. Some days you will experience great progress only to be pulled back to first step again. But the twists and turns become easier to navigate as you become familiar with the path. 

And before you know it, you’ll spy a sign:

Welcome to The Thriver’s Club. 

A place to celebrate life after loss.

A place to share our joys and triumphs.

A place to bring hope to those still trying to find their way.

In order to be a member, all you have to do is share one example of how you have been able to thrive after divorce.

It can small or grand. A sign of truly moving on or as fleeting as a moment where the sun broke through the clouds.

Don’t be shy; smiles are meant to be shared not hidden away.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/from-surviving-to-thriving_b_4794142.html