Gray Divorce: Don't Let Divorce After 50 Keep You Stuck

I was 47 when my divorce occurred. Not 50 but by the time the divorce process had resolved itself I felt closer to seventy. I learned very quickly that handling stress during my middle years was not as easy as it had been in my twenties or thirties. I just didn’t bounce back the way I used to.

I found myself spending a lot of time focused on where my life would lead me, what was next and how I would find the emotional strength needed to “get on” with my life.

For months, I had no plan and paid no attention to what needed to be done for me in order to rebuild and start living again, on my own and on my own terms.

That is the most crushing aspect of divorce after 50. Picking up and starting over after the loss of decade’s worth of plans and thinking your life has been mapped out and all is in order. Change is uncomfortable when it comes to a change that touches every aspect of your life there is no word to describe the emotional challenge one faces. And, that is what divorce after 50 does; it touches every aspect of your life.

I remember sitting at my breakfast table one morning, staring out the window feeling sorry for myself. Out of the blue, I realized that the choice I was making to wallow in my predicament would play a role in the quality of my life, that day and each day moving forward. And it wouldn’t be a positive role!

I knew I had to put conscious effort into moving forward and making the second half of my life something worth living.

From that day forward I started making different choices in the way I viewed the divorce, the damage I thought my ex had done and the opportunities open to me in the future.

Below are a few suggestions, things you can do to keep you from getting stuck if you divorce after fifty:

1. Let go of your need to blame:

Divorce can be emotionally and financially devastating, especially for those over fifty. Your ex may have left you for another woman. They may have used adversarial attorneys during the divorce process to strip you financially. As hard as this is to understand once the divorce process is over, what happened during the process is in the past.

Blaming your ex for something that you can’t go back and change keeps you stuck in the past and stagnated in the present. If you have anger toward your ex don’t feed it by focusing energy on the anger. Extinguish it and put it out by refusing to allow it to take up space in your head.

Don’t spend time accusing your ex of wrong-doing, engaging in conflict with your ex and allowing the anger to hold you back from better things. Like I've said, the past can't be undone but, the future is yours for the making. Look straight ahead, set your sites and start rebuilding your life.

2. Admit your own mistakes:

It takes two to make a marriage and, two to break a marriage. One may be more responsible than the other for the demise of the marriage but, you played a role. It may have been a small role but you do yourself a disservice by not taking responsibility for the role you played in the marital problems.

You can’t learn from the adversity of divorce if you don’t admit to flaws and failures of your own. You can’t move forward and make productive choices in life if you continue to hold onto behavior patterns that helped lead to the demise of the marriage.

Take an in-depth, internal inventory and put effort into changing the negative behaviors that you are responsible for. Only then will you become fully in control of the quality of life you will live post-divorce.

3. Control only what you have control over:

A huge mistake most people make is attempting to control something they have no control over. You need to recognize those things that are beyond your control and stop trying to control them. This calls for you to be realistic about what should and shouldn’t be in your control. For instance:

• You can’t control who your ex spends time with,
• You can’t control their behavior toward you; you can control your response to their behavior,
• You can’t control what your ex says about you, you can control your response to what they say,
• You can’t control those who take sides in your divorce.

Basically, you can control your own actions and behaviors and it is those things that will determine the course your life will take in the future. What you are tasked with is moving your life forward regardless of your circumstances.

Getting caught up in the blame game, denial of your own flaws and attempting to control what is out of your control keeps you stuck. It takes a conscious effort to heal from a late-life divorce. Changing the way you view your situation and making purposeful choices will help you move more quickly toward healing and a life that brings you peace of mind and happiness.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/gray-divorce-dont-let-divorce-after-50-keep-you-stuck-1103023

How to Recognize a Toxic Ex Spouse

The toxic ex-wife or husband doesn't respect the boundaries of their relationship with their ex. They have never really let go of their mates and will hang on for dear life all the while undermining your ability to co-parent with them and move on to a new life.
Below are 7 tips and guidelines to help you recognize the actions of a toxic ex-wife or husband:

They Don’t Respect Your Privacy

Even though you are divorced they still feel they have a right to know what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

You will be bombarded with questions about your life. Are you seeing anyone? Where were you over the weekend?

Your children will be questioned about what you are doing with your life. The toxic ex-wife or husband has no problem using the children to find out information about you and your life.There is a difference between friendly interaction and an attempt to control, which is what the toxic ex wishes to do.

They Interfere with New Relationships

You’ve heard that old saying, “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you.” You may find yourself divorced from someone who feels it is fine that they have moved on with their life but can’t stand the idea of you doing the same.

This sort of ex will do whatever it takes to sabotage any new relationship you form. Which, in turn, makes it difficult to form new romantic relationships because not many want to be in a relationship with someone who has a crazy ex meddling in the relationship.

They Will Use Your Children Against You

This type of toxic ex comes in different forms. They may try and turn your children against you by bad-mouthing you and your actions to the children. Or, they go as far as abandoning their own children to punish you for some wrongdoing they feel you have done.

They are willing to hurt their own children in an attempt to control you or get back at you in some way. This is a very dangerous and wounded individual.

They Will Blame You for Their Unhappiness

It doesn’t matter what they are unhappy about, you will get the blame. If they treat their children badly and cause their children to become angry, you will be blamed. If they lose their job, have car trouble or just can’t seem to catch a break, you will be blamed. You may go months at a time without seeing them or talking to them but, you can bet that if something goes wrong, you will be blamed.

They Will Try to Plant Seeds of Doubt

You will hear comments projecting failure on your part as a result of your inability to hold the marriage together. They will say and do whatever needed to undermine the goals you set for yourself. Some will go as far as predicting failure for the goals their children set. This is symptomatic of a manipulative and vengeful mindset and any comments from such a person should be ignored.

They Will Use You as an Excuse for Their Own Bad Behaviour

If they choose to ignore the needs of their children, you can bet it will be because of something you said or did. To be able to live with their own bad choices they have to alleviate the guilt by making it appear that they had no choice.

All their bad choices are made based on some wrong you did them...in their head, anyway.

They Will Use the Court System to Stay Engaged

They will defy court orders knowing you will take them back to court. This is a passive/aggressive way of keeping a connection to an ex-spouse. They get to use the court system to punish you and, to stay connected with you. This is one great reason for making sure you have a good settlement agreement before you sign your divorce papers.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-recognize-a-toxic-ex-spouse-1103291

How To Talk To Your Kid About You & Your Partner’s Divorce In A Way They’ll Understand

With divorce comes turmoil, tears, heartbreak, and pain — all things parents want to protect their children from. Which is why knowing how to talk to your kid about you and your partner's divorce is of the utmost importance. During the very emotional time of separation, so many feelings are being sorted out and, when considering children, there must be a thoughtful way of delivering the news.

First, know you are not alone. According to the American Psychology Association (APA), stats say that 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Because of this high rate and the effects divorce can have on families, there are many experts who have weighed in on the best ways to talk to your kids. According to Psychology Today, how a child is told about the divorce will stay with them for a lifetime and, in order to help with any lasting trauma, it's best to "give much thought to the setting and circumstances when you break the news." That setting should include mom and dad telling the kids as a family. This allows kids to understand that, even though the living dynamic is changing, the love, care, and security will always be there.

"The most important things for a child to understand as their parents separate is that the split is in no way their fault, that they are safe and loved by both parents no matter what, and that things will change, but who their parents are will never change," Rebecca Nidorf, licensed clinical social worker and therapist,says in an interview with Romper. "Family is family, even in this new configuration."

Not only should parents make sure their child knows it's not her fault, but psychotherapist Lisa Herrick wrote on her website that they should also reiterate that point even months later. She also wrote that it's good to avoid blame so, "the children are free to continue loving each parent fully without fear of betraying other parent or feeling disloyal."

It's also helpful to be direct when talking to your kids and to keep it simple. "Your child needs to know only one truth. Mom and Dad don’t love each other anymore the way that moms and dads need to love each other to stay together," licensed clinical psychologist Edward D. Farber told HuffPost. "Your child has absolutely no need to know the reasons Mom and Dad don't love each other." Blame shouldn't be placed on either parent — bad mouthing your ex will only hurt your child.

In talking with your kids, let them know how the divorce will change their day-to-day. This is where, Nidorf says, you need to get specific, "to make it the new normal rather than the 'dark unknown.'" She suggests you let your kids know what life will look like in terms of their house, room, and where they will be on what day. "Explain that you will continue to co-parent, to attend school performances, sporting events, and anything that their children are involved in," Nidorf says. "And discuss their health and well-being as always, and that their well-being is the most important thing to both parents."

This reassurance helps to calm worries and concerns your kid will naturally have. Divorce creates a feeling of uncertainty for everyone involved, but when parents navigate the early days with care and consideration for the future and everyone's happiness, children get the sense of security that they need.

With creating secure feelings in mind, avoid words of apology because, as Nidorf says, "apologizing is taking blame for something and indicates to your child that you did something wrong." Instead of saying "I'm sorry" to your child, show empathy. Nidorf recommends saying something like, "I understand that this is painful for you, and I want to help you through that pain any way I am able".

When my ex-husband and I were going through a divorce, we let our 3-year-old twins know that we were still a family, we just live in different houses. This is something we continue to talk to them about four years later, especially now that our children have more questions about it since they were so little when we separated. In doing so, we've created a happy and healthy environment for our children.

"Modeling for your child that life deserves to be lived in a happy and healthy way in happy and healthy relationships is a positive message," Nidorf says.

Divorce is going to be difficult and it's key to take the time to breathe and stay calm for your child as well as yourself. It's all about going through this time thoughtfully, and with the love for your child and self in your heart.

Source: https://www.romper.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-kid-about-you-your-partners-divorce-in-a-way-theyll-understand-58236

Divorce: Whose Problem Is It?

The enormity of divorce scares me to the core every time. Every time I meet someone who is lonely after divorce, or speaks about the effects of divorce or even see it on a soap opera, the challenges divorce presents shocks every time.

Divorce is not something that just affects the separating couple. It is just as likely to hit the extended family to outside friends who have no choice but watch the drama unfold.
The problem is divorce is on the increase and the ever-changing family structures see the effects forever unfolding.

As a child of divorced parents, I see the effects on a daily basis. I find it difficult to trust new people, which is one of the reasons why I have never been in a relationship. My nan is always worrying about our family after my parents’ traumatic divorce. My mum and dad regularly comment on the divorce. My sister has been known to break into tears randomly thinking about the divorce.

It’s been four years down the line and I am forever asking myself when will it end? Will the consequences still be felt ten years down the line? Will future generations feel it?
I’m trying to move on from the point of my parents’ divorce and open up the debate of the effects of divorce. My parents’ divorce happened as it happened. Yes, it was awful. Yes, it could have been less traumatic. Yes, it maybe didn’t have to have happen.

But it made me who I am today. I don’t think I would be half as resilient, adaptable, feisty, blunt and adventurous if it wasn’t for my parents’ divorce. Everything can change in a heartbeat.

I have been asked in various contexts what advice I would give to young adults whose parents’ are separating. My advice is simple; It’s not your fault. For a while during my parents’ divorce, I pretended to ignore it was happening. I don’t think I’ve ever been as exhausted as I was during my parents’ divorce. Living between two friends’ houses, working 16 hours a week, studying for four A Levels, having parental responsibility for my younger sister, being woken up with abusive messages the night before my A Level exams, I’m surprised I didn’t combust. But having all these various responsibilities was the way I dealt with my parents’ divorce. We all have our own coping mechanisms and you need to find the one that suits you. There will be moments when the grief cuts you anew and with time, it will become less so.

My work with Voices in the Middle is attempting to show there can be positives to divorce. Families can be happier, stable and focused when there is divorce.

The more we can do to ease the pain of divorce, the less we can save having to treat for depression and other problems. Only last year, one newspaper stated ‘the stress of divorce can triple risk children getting diabetes‘. If this is even partly true and you weigh up the associated costs of diabetes, you can start to understand the enormity of divorce.

That’s why I will be working with Voices in the Middle to establish a voice for children when their parents’ separate. We should all be doing far more to eradicate the effects of divorce, even if we haven’t personally be affected by it. For our friends, our future generations and ourselves.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/emily-beatrice-morris/divorce_b_11900372.html

How To Make A Hard Divorce Easier On Your Kids

What are some tips for parents who are divorcing who have small children?

Answer by Alecia Li Morgan, single mum to four kids ages 8, 6, 5, and 3:

These are my tips, some serious, some playful, some in-between:

Remember that your children are the first priority. Sometimes this can get lost in translation, especially if the circumstances of your divorce are exceptionally emotional or ugly.

• Try to do this with mediation rather than litigation. If you can manage it this way, you’re more likely to be able to have an amicable relationship afterwards, which is pretty mission critical to coparenting. It also just costs far less money. If money isn’t really an issue, then litigation might be necessary, but if you can mediate, I recommend trying it.
• With that said, bring a picture of your child(ren) and put it up during your discussions. Although this may bring emotions up, it also should help you both remember the priorities. This helps curb dire scare threats like “I won’t help pay for their school!” - if you look at their pictures and then try to say things that you don’t 100% mean, it’s a lot harder to get ugly.
• Lay out what you agree upon first. Then work from there. By getting things you agree upon written down first, it means it’s less likely you “pull” these things from the table later just to get your way on something else. Your goal is to agree on everything (with compromises), so putting down your groundwork first is really good.
• Don’t look at support numbers when deciding timeshare. This is hard. We tried not to do this, but it still crept in. The parent who will be paying support often may begin agreeing to letting the other parent (usually the one who has been primary caregiver) have the lion’s share of the children’s time, which is generally in the best interest of everyone involved, but then see the way the support breaks down (it is dependent on both wages *and* amount of time with children in your care) and balk. For us, this meant a change of 20% of the time from what our original agreement was. It’s unfortunate when this becomes a deciding factor in where the kids will be. So as much as you can, set this stuff aside.
• Do whatever you can to preserve their lives, at least for the first year. One thing I committed to as I went into all of this was that no matter what it took from me, I was going to try to keep their lives “the same” as much as possible for this first year. For me, this meant taking on a 4k a month rent solo, plus paying half of their private school tuition. It meant living month to month on a lot of things and getting help from family. But I have no regrets. Being able to keep the kids in their home and at their school this year as they adjusted to the changes has been invaluable. I’m convinced it is one of the key factors in how well they’ve coped, overall, with the changes.
• If you were primarily at fault, say sorry. Seriously. Say it. My ex didn’t say this as much as I wish he had (and his affair partner not at all). It would have helped, honestly. You want to lessen the hurt and anger, not just because of negotiations, but because it’s best for your kids in the long run.
• Force yourself to express gratitude and recognition. Mid-mediation cycle, I sent my ex an email. I just said I knew this was not the outcome either of us set out wanting, but I appreciated that he was working with me to make mediation work so that we could avoid the ugliness and cost of litigation. I told him I recognized his efforts towards being a better dad and more present for our children, and I appreciated that. Those things are true, but they were hard to write. However, it was important to me that I did. I don’t know if it mattered to him; he never responded, but it mattered to me. It helped start me on the new cycle that I needed to be on for coparenting to work. One where the marriage was a dead thing now, and I needed to look at the present to evaluate and react for the kids’ sake.
• Be flexible. Yes, it might be “your” night, but if your child is crying for home and the other parent, be flexible. There’s debate on whether that’s healthy or not (just like “cry it out”), but just try to be flexible.
• Be compassionate. Your spouse is hurting. Yes, even if your spouse is the one who cheated and is living with his/her affair partner now. Divorce is still ugly. (S)He may not be hurting the same way you are, but there’s still hurt. It might be simply because change is scary, it might be reputation amongst friends and family, who knows. Try really hard to work up compassion. Your children need *both* of you to be as emotionally healthy as possible. You may not be partners in life anymore officially, but you’re always going to have some obligation if only because it affects your children.

Good luck. Divorce isn’t easy. Get support and do what you have to do. Your kids depend on you.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/quora-uk/how-to-make-a-hard-divorc_1_b_16230558.html?utm_hp_ref=uk-divorce

My 5 Biggest Fears As a Divorced Parent

I'm afraid that she will grow up to hate me, that I can't show her how to be married.
It’s now been seven months since my decision to divorce and, while many things have settled in my mind and heart, there seems to be the same core of fears gripping on with both hands. Questions with answers that never satisfy, angst that haunts me at night. I’m positive I’m not alone in these fears, but they plague me nonetheless.

I am afraid…

1. That she will grow up to hate me.This is pretty extreme, I realize it, but it’s my number one fear. I’m afraid she’ll never get beyond her hurt enough to see the struggle I went through. That I didn’t flippantly leave her dad and turn her little world upside down. I hated my mom for years and years over something that, now as an adult, I totally sympathize with her over. How do I keep my daughter from making that mistake? How can I help her have compassion on my choices now rather than twenty years from now.
2. That I can’t show her how to be married. How in the hell am I supposed to teach her about marriage? I always assumed that I would show my daughter how to have a successful marriage by example, by being a walking advertisement for what a healthy, mutually exclusive relationship looks like. Will she ever heed my advice when I so obviously failed?
3. That she won’t want to be like me. Naturally, there are flaws in me that I’d never want her to model herself after, but when it comes down to it, who doesn’t want their child to be like them? I want to be good enough that, should she behave like me, she will have a good life. Have I messed up too much?
4. That she won’t open up and talk about it. Right before I moved out of town she started seeing a therapist who she really liked. I had such high hopes because my little girl, who historically refused to cooperate with counselors, actually LIKED this woman. But after just a few sessions the therapist left for another practice and sent us back to square one. What if she never talks to anyone again? What if she holds it all in, bottles up her feelings till they spill out in forms of depression, self-harming and eating disorders … oh-my.
5. That I will be blamed for everything unpleasant in her life. I don’t have the thickest skin and being told I’m at fault for anything sets off a panic in me like you wouldn’t believe. She very well could turn all of her life’s misfortunes right back onto me and the divorce I put her through. How will I handle that? Will I live year after year feeling like a scolded pet?

Now, let me balance some of this crazy talk with a little truth, because even I know that a tad of grace goes a long way. To date, I’ve managed to raise a lovely, caring human being and when I push these fears back for a moment I can admit that it’s unlikely that she should suddenly abandon her personality. She has always been reasonable and considerate and I need to plug into that reality when my anxieties rise to the surface. When I can’t find it in myself, I need to lean into people who love me and accept me. No parent is perfect, even the married ones, and all I can do is wake up each day and do my best, whatever my best for that day is.

"Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” –Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/my-5-biggest-fears-as-a-divorced-parent-dg/

New year, new start: How to divorce with dignity

Tomorrow is ‘Divorce Day’ or ‘D-Day’, the first day back to work after the holidays when divorce inquiries to solicitors traditionally double. If you’re in the process of a break-up, FRANCINE KAYE, a relationship expert and author of The Divorce Doctor, offers advice on how to survive the split with your dignity intact.

STOP THE LAWYERS FIGHTING

Visiting a family mediator with your former partner will save you time and money by drawing up the basic guidelines for your dignified divorce. Alternatively, find a collaborative lawyer who will work co-operatively with the other side. Lawyers are trained to be litigators, not therapists, so they have to be reminded you are not at war.
Avoid provoking your former partner by responding promptly to any requests for documentation and information.


DON'T BE DEFENSIVE

This may be hard to swallow, but if your ex says ‘I want the children on Wednesday night’ or ‘I’m not paying for that’, your job is to understand their needs before becoming defensive.
When you immediately react defensively, you just prolong the war. Instead try using the following as a model response to whatever they express:

‘When you say you want the children on Wednesday night [specific behaviour], I feel frustrated [my emotion] because it means that I cannot take the children swimming, which I want to do [the impact on me]. What I want is for you to keep to our agreed contact plan so that I can make arrangements for myself and the children or give a reason why you want to make changes [my desired outcome].’

Use all four parts of this message to put yourself back in control and let your former partner know your boundaries.

QUIT THE BLAME GAME

Taking responsibility for your role in any conflict that may arise at this challenging time is probably the last thing you want to do. But playing the blame game only allows the problem to continue. Ask yourself: ‘How am I partly responsible for this conflict’?

However resistant you are to the idea of negotiating these issues with your former partner, taking responsibility for your part in disagreements will make it easier to reach resolution.

CHILDREN DON'T DIVORCE

In Britain, one in four children lives in a split family. But children don’t divorce, parents do.

It’s your responsibility to make sure your split is as easy as possible for your offspring. In order to raise well-balanced children who grow into adults capable of having great relationships, it’s our duty to help them understand that just because their parents’ relationship didn’t work, it is possible for Mum and Dad to heal their hearts and go on to love again.

PLAN TO PARENT

Create a parenting plan, agreed by you both, that covers the main aspects of caring for your children.

Ideally, your plan should cover contact arrangements, holidays and keeping each other informed about illness and school-related activities.

If your children have challenges of any kind, put aside your own disputes and talk (yes, I did say talk) about how best to deal with them. You will have different ideas and both ways will have their merits.

LIVING WITH THE ENEMY

Often circumstances dictate that you still have to live together after divorce. To begin the letting-go process while still living together, you’ll need to create the following personal boundaries. Decide:

How to talk and listen to each other.
How you will handle the finances.
What to share in terms of food, household products, cooking and cleaning.
What is your personal space, what is your spouse’s and what is shared.
How you will parent.
Where you will sleep.
When you both know and have agreed on what is expected, then firm boundaries will be established.

REGAIN IDENTITY

What makes you happy? Emerging with your identity intact after divorce means finding out what your rules for your new life will be.

What are your interests and passions? How do you take care of yourself? How much time do you make for you?

Your divorce gives you the opportunity to regain your identity and redesign your life the way you want to live it. Take time to think about what you want in your life after divorce.

LEARN TO CO-OPERATE

Your past does not equal your future — unless you allow it to. In the past, you and your partner did what you did and said what you said with the resources you had available to you both at the time.

If either of you could have done it differently, you would have done. The truth is neither of you knew any other way.

Divorcing with dignity means there is no blame. When you are able to view yourself as an individual and no longer someone’s partner, the process of emotionally divorcing will be complete.

There is life after divorce and as you gain emotional strength each day you will emerge stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible.

Source: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2081049/New-year-new-start-How-divorce-dignity.html

8 Tips to Help You Deal With Mixed Emotions After Divorce

After the divorce, you may find you have mixed emotions about your ex-spouse. While you may know that the divorce was for the best, you may find that some days you hate your ex-spouse, and, surprisingly, other days you miss him/her.

You may wonder why you feel any fondness for someone you are divorcing. It is perfectly normal, and most divorced people report these mixed emotions. So how do you cope with these changing emotions?

Here are 8 Ways to Deal With Mixed Emotions About Your Ex After Divorce:

1. Emotions are not good or bad. They just ARE. When a couple divorces, the bad times they shared may be a recent memory, but there are times when each person feels vulnerable, lonely, or scared of the changes taking place. At these times, you may think of the good times. (Hopefully, they were not all bad!) Allow yourself these trips down memory lane. Don’t try to push down your emotions, but allow yourself to feel all the emotional stages of divorce. Expect that you will have your ups and downs.

2. Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about such change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back because it is easier than facing the fact that you now have to rebuild your life. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce.

Don’t let fear overtake your judgment.

3. Make lists. It helps to make a list of the reasons you divorced, and the differences you had. Also, make a list of the good parts of your former relationship. Many newly divorced people are so focused on the bad that they grow resentful and hold such a grudge against their ex - spouse, it is hard to move on with their lives.

Everyone has some good traits and some bad.

4. Don’t blame. It’s easy to make your ex the villain, but in order to be successful in your own life and future relationships, you need to take time to look at your part in the failure of the relationship. Only one person does not hold most marriages together, and they don’t end because of one person either. So, deal with the anger you feel in a constructive way.

5. Get support. Sometimes you may need a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Don’t shy away from seeking support and validation from friends and relatives. If you feel the need, get into therapy to help you sort through your shifting emotions and the resulting stress.

6. Take care of yourself. Riding this roller coaster of emotions is taxing, so make sure you develop good self – care habits during this time. Get plenty of rest, avoid stress as much as possible, put non-essential things on the back burner for now, and eat a healthy diet. Self-care during and after a divorce is a requirement if you want to maintain your health.

7. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Most people say when they went through a divorce, it was on their mind every waking moment of their day. Take some time to do something you enjoy, something that will “recharge your batteries.” This could include spending time with friends or spending quiet time alone with a good book.

Let your mind concentrate on something other than the divorce when you are feeling overwhelmed.

8. Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Journaling is very helpful for most people undergoing a major life change. If journaling is not for you, then maybe you need a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. It is helpful to have a professional you can share your innermost feelings with, and never have to see again when therapy is completed.

Divorce brings about changes, and you may feel like it’s hard to feel centered. By following these tips, you can cope with these changes in a positive way and be better able to make a new life for yourself.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-deal-with-mixed-emotions-after-divorce-1103125

Divorce Questions: How Does Adultery Affect A Divorce Case?

Wondering how cheating could affect your divorce case? Here’s what you need to know, from Katherine Eisold Miller, a collaborative lawyer and family mediator. 

Marriages can end when one member of the couple discovers that the other has had an adulterous relationship. How important is the impact of the extra-marital relationship on the divorce itself? Legally, the answer varies from state to state. In some states, there is very little impact at all while, in others, it can have a substantial influence on the outcome.

Historically, there was a much higher correspondence between adultery and divorce then there is today. Adultery by a woman was often viewed more seriously and punished more harshly than if committed by a man. This remains the case in some countries today, including Iran and Saudi Arabia, where an adulterous wife could face a violent death. In the United States, adultery remains a crime in some states but is rarely prosecuted.

These days, adultery rarely has much of an impact on the distribution of assets — except in cases where one spouse has used marital assets to support the extra-marital relationship. For example, if a husband borrows against a marital asset in order to support his mistress, that fact would likely be taken into account in distributing the assets of the marriage.

Adultery is also unlikely to affect a custody determination so long as the wayward spouse has not carried on the relationship in front of the children or exposed them to inappropriate people or situations during the course of the affair.

In some states where fault is still a factor in divorce proceedings (even where no-fault divorce exists, in some states there is still fault-based divorce that — when proven — can impact support or property division) an adulterous relationship can seriously reduce (or even eliminate) the obligation of one spouse to pay alimony to the unfaithful spouse regardless of need. In addition, alimony already in place is often terminated when a spouse or ex-spouse lives with another person.

If the straying spouse happens to pick up a sexually transmitted disease, and later infects his or her spouse with that illness, that can give rise to a personal injury action between spouses called an interspousal tort.

Far and away the biggest, most likely and most problematic influence adultery will have on a divorce is in the negotiation of settlement. Statistically, divorce cases are overwhelmingly likely to settle — over 90 percent or more in most jurisdictions. A cheating spouse often feels guilty or sheepish in the aftermath of discovery or confession and the cuckolded spouse typically feels angry and retributive. The emotional stance of each party coming into the negotiation can drastically affect the terms of the settlement.

When making important decisions about your finances, your children and your lifestyle it is important to be in as calm a state of mind as possible. People who make the best choices in their divorce negotiations are able to separate their actions from their reactions — in other words, they are able to think about what is best for themselves and their families separately from the emotions they feel about the adultery. Choosing divorce lawyers and other professionals who can work together to support a family through all aspects of this painful situation is probably the best way to get through it successfully. More information about how this can work is available at CollaborativePractice.com and WestchesterFamilyLaw.com.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/03/divorce-questions-adultery_n_1471111.html