Divorce: Whose Problem Is It?

The enormity of divorce scares me to the core every time. Every time I meet someone who is lonely after divorce, or speaks about the effects of divorce or even see it on a soap opera, the challenges divorce presents shocks every time.

Divorce is not something that just affects the separating couple. It is just as likely to hit the extended family to outside friends who have no choice but watch the drama unfold.
The problem is divorce is on the increase and the ever-changing family structures see the effects forever unfolding.

As a child of divorced parents, I see the effects on a daily basis. I find it difficult to trust new people, which is one of the reasons why I have never been in a relationship. My nan is always worrying about our family after my parents’ traumatic divorce. My mum and dad regularly comment on the divorce. My sister has been known to break into tears randomly thinking about the divorce.

It’s been four years down the line and I am forever asking myself when will it end? Will the consequences still be felt ten years down the line? Will future generations feel it?
I’m trying to move on from the point of my parents’ divorce and open up the debate of the effects of divorce. My parents’ divorce happened as it happened. Yes, it was awful. Yes, it could have been less traumatic. Yes, it maybe didn’t have to have happen.

But it made me who I am today. I don’t think I would be half as resilient, adaptable, feisty, blunt and adventurous if it wasn’t for my parents’ divorce. Everything can change in a heartbeat.

I have been asked in various contexts what advice I would give to young adults whose parents’ are separating. My advice is simple; It’s not your fault. For a while during my parents’ divorce, I pretended to ignore it was happening. I don’t think I’ve ever been as exhausted as I was during my parents’ divorce. Living between two friends’ houses, working 16 hours a week, studying for four A Levels, having parental responsibility for my younger sister, being woken up with abusive messages the night before my A Level exams, I’m surprised I didn’t combust. But having all these various responsibilities was the way I dealt with my parents’ divorce. We all have our own coping mechanisms and you need to find the one that suits you. There will be moments when the grief cuts you anew and with time, it will become less so.

My work with Voices in the Middle is attempting to show there can be positives to divorce. Families can be happier, stable and focused when there is divorce.

The more we can do to ease the pain of divorce, the less we can save having to treat for depression and other problems. Only last year, one newspaper stated ‘the stress of divorce can triple risk children getting diabetes‘. If this is even partly true and you weigh up the associated costs of diabetes, you can start to understand the enormity of divorce.

That’s why I will be working with Voices in the Middle to establish a voice for children when their parents’ separate. We should all be doing far more to eradicate the effects of divorce, even if we haven’t personally be affected by it. For our friends, our future generations and ourselves.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/emily-beatrice-morris/divorce_b_11900372.html

12 Unexpectedly Wonderful Things About Life After Divorce

It’s hard to get out of bed some days after divorce, let alone map out a future spent on your own. But at some point in the process, you start to realize that you’re so much more than your relationship status and that life goes on — and gets better — after divorce.

Our readers and bloggers will tell you as much. Below, they offer 12 silver linings of divorce that surprised them most.

Your free time is entirely yours.

“These day, I’m able to do whatever I want at night. ‘Greys Anatomy’ marathon? Yes! Browse Pinterest for hours on end? Done! Not having to worry about ignoring or upsetting someone? Priceless.” -Callie McCartney

You don’t expect divorce to be a confidence booster — but it can be.

“After my marriage ended, I doubted my ability to handle the divorce — and definitely felt inadequate during and immediately after — but once the dust settled, I was proud of myself for getting through it. Not only did I not fall apart, I was building a great life. I found myself on the other side and now know I can handle anything.” -Rebecca Neville

If you have sole custody of the kids, you have full say in how they’re raised.

“I always enjoyed spending time with my kids but getting to raise them on my own, I didn’t know how much I would enjoy just being immersed in their lives. The rewards of being solely responsible for their well-being were enormous: The school conferences, concerts, sporting events, taking care of their worries, talking with them about first girlfriends, first boyfriends — all of it — gave me more joy than I ever thought possible.” -Joseph Seldner

Those eggshells you used to walk on? They’re no longer there.

“My decisions are the ones that actually get made. I’m watching my daughter grow into the kind of woman I still hope to be when I grow up. Eggshells are simply eggshells now and not a metaphor I have to walk on.” -Jayne Schroeder

Bye bye, in-laws.

“Let me tell you: The slow realization that you don’t have to sit there and listen to your mother-in-law anymore is magical.” -Amy Matthis Marsh

Being an every-other-weekend parent has its perks.

“I get to be an off-the-clock parent every other weekend. I don’t get a lot of time to myself, but when those weekends come, I can live like a 20-year-old bachelor. The dishes pile up in the sink and I can stay out as late as I want (or just be lazy and veg out on the couch and watch shows and eat junk food). I might see my kids at their lacrosse or soccer games, but if a change in the schedule happens, it’s not my problem that weekend!” -Jennifer Iacovelli

You realize you were both good people who were simply bad for each other.

“It’s great being able to laugh and be myself without feeling guilty. He is a good man but we didn’t make each other happy and he didn’t ‘get’ me. I can be myself again now.” -Rebecca Kenne

This is an opportunity to become a much better parent.

“Prior to our separation, I came home daily to a house that was riddled with stress created by me and my ex-wife. The cloud of tension was palpable. The stress of a marriage that was failing made me short, bitter and incapable of appreciating my children the way they deserved. Now I revel in the little moments that happen all the time in fatherhood. I don’t blow up at small things that kids just do and it’s made me and my sons closer than ever even though we see each other less.” -Doug Zeigler

Your goals are no longer on the back burner.

“I’ve learned to take care of myself. I’ve gone from couch potato to finishing a half Ironman!” -Kris Fava

Every side of the bed is your side.

“Now that I’m divorced I can lay across the whole damn mattress.” -Kelly-Anne Foley

Your post-divorce relationship with your ex may end up being better than the marriage itself.

“I come from a very small family. Divorce left me feeling alone after suddenly losing the only family I ever had, including in-laws and aunts, uncles and cousins on my ex’s side. When I became friends with my ex’s new wife, I was slowly included in family functions again. Over the years, my family has become larger than I ever dreamed possible — including my son’s stepmom’s family. Despite our ‘ex’ titles, we’re completely connected as a family. All of us.” -Shelley Wetton

You get to rediscover who you are as a person.

“I’m rediscovering and building upon the once strong and independent person I had lost along the way. I’ve learned to like myself again.” -Renée Benson

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/02/silverlinings-to-divorce_n_7495296.html

The Benefits of Optimism

Staying positive can improve stress management, productivity, and your health

Do you know someone who seems to always have a smile and a positive thought? Or are you yourself one of those people who is full of optimism? Hardships are seen as ‘learning experiences’ by optimists, and even the most miserable day always holds the promise for them that ‘tomorrow will probably be better.'

If you always see the brighter side of things, you may feel that you experience more positive events in your life than others, find yourself less stressed, and even enjoy greater health benefits.

This is not your imagination.

Researchers like Martin Seligman have been studying optimists and pessimists for years, and they have found that an optimistic world view carries certain advantages.

The Benefits of Optimism

Superior Health
In a study of 99 Harvard University students, those who were optimists at age 25 were significantly healthier at ages 45 and 60 than those who were pessimists. Other studies have linked a pessimistic explanatory style with higher rates of infectious disease, poor health, and earlier mortality.

Greater Achievement
Seligman analyzed the explanatory styles of sports teams and found that the more optimistic teams created more positive synergy and performed better than the pessimistic ones. Another study showed that pessimistic swimmers who were led to believe they’d done worse than they had were prone to future poor performance. Optimistic swimmers didn’t have this vulnerability.

Research like this has led some companies to go out of their way to hire optimists -- a practice that seems to be paying off.

Persistence
Optimists don’t give up as easily as pessimists, and they are more likely to achieve success because of it. Some optimistic businessmen, like Donald Trump, have been bankrupt (even multiple times), but have been able to persist and turn their failures into millions.

Emotional Health
In a study of clinically depressed patients, it was discovered that 12 weeks of cognitive therapy (which involves reframing a person's thought processes) worked better than drugs, as changes were more long-lasting than a temporary fix. Patients who had this training in optimism had the ability to more effectively handle future setbacks.

Increased Longevity
In a retrospective study of 34 healthy Hall of Fame baseball players who played between 1900 and 1950, optimists lived significantly longer. Other studies have shown that optimistic breast cancer patients had better health outcomes than pessimistic and hopeless patients.

Less Stress
Optimists also tend to experience less stress than pessimists or realists. Because they believe in themselves and their abilities, they expect good things to happen. They see negative events as minor setbacks to be easily overcome, and view positive events as evidence of further good things to come. Believing in themselves, they also take more risks and create more positive events in their lives.

Additionally, research shows that optimists are more proactive with stress management, favoring approaches that reduce or eliminate stressors and their emotional consequences. Optimists work harder at stress management, so they're less stressed.

'Explanatory Style' Explained

‘Explanatory style’ or ‘attributional style’ refers to how people explain the events of their lives. There are three facets of how people can explain a situation. This can influence whether they lean toward being optimists or pessimists:

Stable vs. Unstable: Can time change things, or do things stay the same regardless of time?

Global vs. Local: Is a situation a reflection of just one part of your life, or your life as a whole?

Internal vs. External: Do you feel events are caused by you or by an outside force?

Realists see things relatively clearly, but most of us aren’t realists. Most of us, to a degree, attribute the events in our lives optimistically or pessimistically. The pattern looks like this:

Optimists
Optimists explain positive events as having happened because of them (internal). They also see them as evidence that more positive things will happen in the future (stable), and in other areas of their lives (global). Conversely, they see negative events as not being their fault (external). They also see them as being flukes (isolated) that have nothing to do with other areas of their lives or future events (local).

For example, if an optimist gets a promotion, she will likely believe it’s because she’s good at her job and will receive more benefits and promotion in the future. If she’s passed over for the promotion, it’s likely because she was having an off-month because of extenuating circumstances, but will do better in the future.

Pessimists
Pessimists think in the opposite way. They believe that negative events are caused by them (internal). They believe that one mistake means more will come (stable), and mistakes in other areas of life are inevitable (global), because they are the cause. They see positive events as flukes (local) that are caused by things outside their control (external) and probably won’t happen again (unstable).

A pessimist would see a promotion as a lucky event that probably won’t happen again, and may even worry that she’ll now be under more scrutiny. Being passed over for promotion would probably be explained as not being skilled enough. She'd therefore expect to be passed over again.

What This Means
Understandably, if you’re an optimist, this bodes well for your future. Negative events are more likely to roll off of your back, but positive events affirm your belief in yourself, your ability to make good things happen now and in the future, and in the goodness of life.

Fortunately for pessimists and realists, these patterns of thinking can be learned to a degree (though we tend to be mostly predisposed to our patterns of thinking.) Using a practice called ‘cognitive restructuring,' you can help yourself and others become more optimistic by consciously challenging negative, self-limiting thinking and replacing it with more optimistic thought patterns.

Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-optimism-3144811

7 Signs of a Healthy Post-Divorce Relationship

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship.

Divorce is hard. Dating after divorce is tricky too, and I’ve found some things I think are good indicators of how whole a person is, and how ready they are for a healthy relationship. Sure, your dating profile says something like, “Let’s be friends first and see where that takes us.” But most people I meet are really hoping that friendship takes us to the next wave of affection. I think we are mostly looking to me found and appreciated by another person, while having the opportunity to appreciate them back. We want to become the most fantastic cheerleader for their hopes and dreams and we expect that positive affirmation in return.

We don’t need a relationship. We want one. We are fine alone. We have found our own way out of the desert of depression and despair. And now, standing strong and alone again, we are ready to dip our toes into the idea of being loved and loving again. It is a huge risk. And some people can’t get over it. Their divorce is still too painful, or their relationship with their ex is still too volatile. They are really not ready for a relationship.

If, however you begin to think your shit is sufficiently together to date again, some new boundaries are in order. And here is what I’ve found to be the indicators of a healthy start.
1. The relationship with the ex is business-like and drama-free.
If your potential partner is still dramatically engaged or enraged at their ex partner, watch out. You are likely to take some of the “stand-in” damage for the anger that needs a place to dissipate. Irritation and conflict can always arise. But pay attention to how this person deals with these setbacks or conflicts. It’s likely this is how any future conflict with you might evolve, as well. Are they able to articulate what the problem is? Can they negotiate a solution and then let it go? The emotional baggage from divorce is huge. And it’s tough to get through all the processing that needs to happen before we can cut it loose and be free of the burden of our ex.

2. The other person puts their kids ahead of the relationship.
In my experience, I find a potential partner who has had kids (they can be older or younger than mine) is more likely to be accepting and accommodating of my relationship to my kids. When my kids call, they come first. Sure, it’s an interruption, and sure it puts the “special friend” in a secondary role, but it’s clear to me that my kids emotional and physical well-being is much more important than me having a girlfriend. At least at this point in my life, while they are still in school, and still very much under my influence. I have a deep respect for my role model as a dad, and as a man. I am showing both my daughter and my son how a man acts in the world. Even under duress, I am showing how I can remain calm, and make strong and positive decisions. And always, my kids come first. Especially in the early stages of a new relationship.

3. In meeting the kids, there are no major hangups or obvious attachment issues.
Divorce traumatizes all of the family members. And often this trauma causes us to revert to old and unhealthy defense mechanisms. And of course, as a divorced, and now-single parent, I am going to do everything I can to take care of my kids needs. BUT… this has to be carefully done. I have seen both men and women who were WAY to enmeshed with their children. Maybe the kid was a brat who was completely undisciplined. Or perhaps the child was overly shy and withdrawn, folding themselves into the parent. At younger ages some of this behavior is acceptable. But as the child ages, and reaches the end of elementary school they should not need to be coddled or babied, because the other parent is trying to make up for some loss. The single parent cannot make up for the divorce. But everyone survives and moves on. Both the kids and the parents need to return to healthy boundaries and healthy communication styles, so that everyone can grow up, and let go of the stigma and shame of the divorce.

4. Conversations about divorce, parenting, or relationships are not tense.
In early stages of a relationship, most of the time you want to hear, “What happened?” And this opportunity to share your story and hear the divorce story of the other person, is a great time to listen for their repose. How have they accepted their own responsibility for the divorce. Even if the divorce was the result of some infidelity, have they been able to move beyond the anger? The best approach to the ex is to live and let be. Focus on the kids. Walking away from a marriage is hard work, and the way someone tells their divorce story is important. Listen.

5. Clarity of intention and honest expression of affection and desire.
You’d think that if someone is dating again that they are ready for a relationship. But that’s often not the case. You’d even imagine, that someone who puts up a dating profile online, and who talks about what they want in their next relationship, probably has some intention of being in a relationship. BUT, you might be wrong. I have been on quite a few dates where the woman had no idea what they wanted. I had one woman, who I connected with and had just spent nearly two hours talking to, tell me in the parking lot as she was getting into her car, “I can tell you at least three reasons I’m not right for you.” She didn’t, but she said she knew she had no real idea of what she wanted in a relationship. If you’re dating, be clear on if you want to “date” or have a relationship. I’ve heard that some people are into casual dating and casual sex. That’s never worked for me, but if that’s your thing, make sure that’s what the other person is saying as well. If the person cannot give you a good idea of what they are looking for, how their next relationship might look or feel, they may not be ready to be in a relationship. And if you can’t articulate what you are looking for, if your vague, or simply lonely, you might want to keep working on yourself, and your approach to relationships before jumping right back into one.

6. Alcohol or tv are not constant sources of entertainment or escape.
Drinking together can be fun, but it shouldn’t be a lifestyle choice, unless you are both into it. If the person doesn’t really open up until a glass of wine or two, you might be rubbing up against someone who has a hard time expressing themselves. In moderation, as a celebration lifter, a few drinks on the weekend are no problem. But if it’s every single night, and the glass of whatever becomes like the cup of coffee in the morning, a necessary lubricant, there is probably an issue there. And I’ve seen TV become the same sort of numbing or escaping addiction. I went on a few dates with a woman who professed an addiction to reality TV shows. She also turned around and fought with me about the virtues of TV overall, and how TV was no less interactive than reading a book or playing a game with someone. Um…. Yeah. Escapism should not be a common theme. You want clear and present as the normal relating condition between you and another consenting adult.


7. Affection that moves into sexual relations doesn’t change the overall tone of the friendship.
Of course, you’d like to be friends first. And if the chemistry is working, there may be a pull towards the bedroom. But of course you need to know that if you are looking for a relationship, sex, while important, is not the most important aspect of a relationship. You are going to be spending a lot of time with this person, out of the bedroom doing other things, and you’d be better of seeing if your “out of the sack” experience is good too. Don’t get me wrong, a good sexual chemistry is a powerful motivator. But don’t let the sex cloud your understanding of who the person is, and what other things you like to do together. You can’t screw all the time.

And initiation of sex shouldn’t cause major shifts in the relationship. You’re friendship should still remain a focus in all of the stages of a relationship. Perhaps that’s part of what led us to divorce, we stopped dating our partners and began to take them for granted. We stopped cheerleading and became more of a negotiator, or even antagonist.

Listen to yourself as you talk about the relationship as well. When you are describing your relationship to a friend, notice the words you use. How do you describe this new interest? What are the highlights that you are proud to share about this person?

And listen as you talk to this person as well. Are you open and free with your expressions of affection or desire? Can you say what you need? Are you holding back, or withholding some information for fear of upsetting the other person? All of these are clues that the relating part of the relationship might still need some exploration.

Relationships are fun. And now that we have our kids, and our independence, we can be more intentional and clear about what we want in our next relationship. It doesn’t have to be about marriage, but can be more about learning to love and feel loved again. Take your time. Be intentional with your time, attention, and actions. And if things don’t feel right, move along. If you’re not in a hurry, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of time to find one that’s just right. Or at least better than what you’ve done before.

Sincerely,


The Off Parent
@theoffparent

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/seven-signs-healthy-post-divorce-relationship-jmac/

A Blueprint for Successful Parenting after Divorce or Separation

When a divorcing or separating couple has kids, the family structure that reactively emerges is often chaotic, emotionally charged and inadequate in meeting the basic needs of kids and parents alike. You may be in the midst of this situation right now, wondering how to give the kids the happy, fulfilled and nurturing childhood they deserve and maintain an active role in their lives. You also deserve the opportunity to build a new and happy life for yourself but may be struggling to see how this can happen. I’m Toby Hazlewood, founder of Divorced Lifestyle Design and a 10-year veteran of co-parenting. I have felt the upset, uncertainty and heartbreak that you are feeling now but have come through that and I’m really excited to be able to help you to understand and implement the system for successful parenting after divorce that I have formulated, based on the 12 years since my own divorce.

>> CLICK HERE to download your FREE copy of my blueprint now

Whether your parting is amicable or bitter and antagonistic you will rightly be concerned first and foremost with how to raise your kids actively and effectively, giving them the upbringing they deserve; your relationship with your ex has failed but your relationship with your kids is for all time. The biggest challenge when trying to resolve this problem is that we are flying into the unknown. Decisions are made reactively, emotionally driven and unfortunately not always with the best interests of the kids at heart. We also tend to forget that to be a happy parent requires that you are happy and fulfilled in yourself; our own needs can also be forgotten in the structures that emerge.

I am here to share with you a system that has evolved over the 12 years since my divorce, and in over 10 years of co-parenting my two daughters 50-50 with their mother. Based on a series of concise and proven principles (my Golden Rules) and combined with practical instructions, tools and strategies, my system guides you in designing, implementing, and maintaining a parenting structure for your separated family. This then gives you and your kids (and probably your ex too!) a supremely functional and effective model for a successful separated family.

>> CLICK HERE to download your FREE copy of my blueprint now

Once you have established the structure and are living it, life will move on, enabling you to heal in yourself, gain confidence, comfort, stability and resolve to rebuild your own life, safe in the knowledge that you are serving the needs of your kids effectively and comprehensively. Equal co-parenting may not be feasible for you, but my system also helps in enhancing conventional models of separated parenting too. I passionately believe my system will ensure that your separated family structure is optimised for all involved and provides the strongest possible foundation for all your future lives.

A client and now friend of mine, Gareth Locke got in touch when his wife had requested a divorce. As confusing and painful it was to accept that she no longer loved him, Gareth was resolutely against a conventional separated family and feared only seeing his 3-year-old son Henry, on alternate weekends and for occasional visits. His wife was resistant to co-parenting on grounds of not believing that Gareth could actively share the raising of Henry when balanced alongside his work. She questioned how the arrangement could work for their son, and feared being separated from him. I worked with them both, sharing the details of my system, and helped them to help themselves in understanding what was possible and how my model could be implemented in their lives. A trial period of co-parenting has been massively successful and the hurt from their parted relationship is being processed quickly and thoroughly as they all settle into the new structure. Whether co-parenting pervades or not, I know (and they know) that their commitment to raising Henry and to giving themselves the best possible future lives themselves is now built on rock solid foundations.

When I first divorced I was terrified of growing up estranged from my daughters, distant and un-loved, yearning for a greater role in their lives. I worried that I was also harming their prospects for a happy and fulfilling future. Instead, 12 years on I’m proud to share with you that I have a bond that’s as close with my daughters as any parent I know. We laugh together, work through challenges together and fundamentally have grown up together as they live exciting and accomplished lives. During this time, I’ve also accomplished lifelong personal goals in business, fitness and wellbeing and am now happily married with a blended family with 2 further kids brought into the marriage by my second wife. I attribute a great deal of this success to my system for successful parenting as part of the overall Divorced Lifestyle Design philosophy. I am inspired and excited to share this with you in order that I can help you achieve the same results as I have, starting today with a free blueprint for the Successful Parenting in separated families.

I am certain that you will experience similar results as I have.

>> CLICK HERE to claim your FREE copy of the blueprint for successful parenting after divorce

All it takes is 10 mindful minutes | Andy Puddicombe

Andy Puddicombe, the founder and narrator of Headspace guided meditations talks about the importance of 'servicing' the mind in his TED talk. 


I cannot recommend Headspace highly enough! 10 minutes per day, for you to reboot your mind. Give it a go!