11 successful co-parenting commandments

As the song goes, “breaking up is hard to do”—but you can make it easier on your kids. Here’s how to rock at co-parenting.

1. Collaborate, don’t litigate

Acrimony is expensive financially (a divorce trial, on average, costs each party $13,000, but that figure can go up to $100,000 or more) but also emotionally, particularly for your children. According to a 2009 report for the Ottawa-based Vanier Institute of the Family, kids who’ve lived through an ugly split are more likely to suffer from anxiety, depression and self-esteem issues, and are more likely to drop out of school. Court-imposed outcomes also tend to be more short-lived than amicable settlements and can actually increase conflict in the long-term. “When you go to court, the winner goes yahoo, and the loser goes boo hoo,” says Gary Direnfeld, Dundas, Ont., social worker who specializes in family mediation and counselling. That means the “losing” parent will be less likely to follow the court order and will try to undermine the other parent in hopes of having it overturned. More collaborative processes force co-parents to achieve a mutually agreeable settlement. “Though you might have to plug your nose a bit,” says Direnfeld, “you’re likely to have a more durable agreement.”

2. Be respectful and “professional”

“Treat your co-parent as a colleague,” says Cameron Shouldice, a collaborative lawyer in Toronto. Would you blow off an appointment with a co-worker? No way. But Deborah Moskovitch, author of The Smart Divorce, remembers rushing home to meet her children, only to have her ex show up an hour late. “That escalates the tension,” she says.

3. Create a parenting plan

Sit down with your co-parent (and, if necessary, a third party, such as a mediator or parenting coordinator) to set out the rules and routines of your child-rearing partnership. The more acrimonious the divorce, the more detailed your plan should be, says Moskovitch, whose own high-conflict split dragged on for seven years. How will you share birthdays and holidays? Where and when will you pick up the kids on transition days? How long will you wait before introducing a new significant other? Is it OK to post pictures of your child on Facebook? Revisit the plan every couple of years to ensure it’s still relevant, given your child’s age.

4. Remember that “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal”

In the aftermath of a split, many parents get caught up in the notion that “fair” means sharing access 50/50. “But what makes sense for the child might not look like that,” says Nancy Cameron, a family lawyer and parenting co-ordinator in Vancouver. If Mom travels often for work, it might make sense for the kids to spend more time with Dad. If your ex has always taken your child to hockey practice, try working that into the schedule—even if it means giving up some of “your” weekend. And get your kids’ input before making any decisions. “They don’t want to be in control, but they do want what’s important to them to be taken into consideration,” says Cameron.

5. Communicate effectively, part 1

“Generally, ineffective communication is one of the primary causes of the break-up in the first place,” says Shouldice. That doesn’t magically change because you’re no longer a couple. Attend a short-term seminar (check with your local social services agencies, such as Toronto’s Families in Transition, the BC Council for Families and the Alberta Courts), or hire a coach/therapist to ensure that what you’re communicating to your co-parent is being received in the manner you intended. “This stuff is way more of an important investment than trying to outfit the second bedroom to help the kid transition to two new houses,” says Shouldice.

6. Communicate effectively, part 2

Electronic communication allows co-parents to discuss schedules and air grievances without having to pick up the phone, chat in person, or stress your child out by turning them into a messenger. “But it’s so easy in an email to start a war,” cautions Moskovitch. A few rules: Take time to cool off, and to objectively consider your words and tone, before hitting send. Only deal with one issue per email. And respond to your co-parent’s missives within 24 hours (or set specific guidelines depending on the urgency of the situation).

7. Never dis your co-parent in front of the kids

This one can be tough, but if you’ve got a beef, deal with it when you’re sure little ears can’t hear. “Kids are terribly conflicted if they feel they have to align with one parent or the other,” says Cameron.

8. Schedule parenting “dates”

Clear your schedule monthly to talk to your co-parent about your children’s progress. If possible, have regular family meetings with the kids to discuss school, activities and whether the schedule is working.

9. Let it go, let it go…

You might have a few immutable rules in your house: a strict 8 p.m. bedtime, no fast food, one hour of screen time per day. Your ex, conversely, might take the kids to McDonald’s and let them stay up late watching movies. You can’t expect your co-parent to enforce the same rules you do, so try to let it go. But do sit down together and identify critical values—say, religious observance or a ban on TV violence—you both agree on.

10. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Empower your child to take their belongings to your ex’s place—yes, even that expensive new toy. “If it doesn’t come back, that’s OK,” says Shouldice. “It’s the kids’ stuff, and it belongs in both households. That gives them a sense of security.”

11. Get on the same page

To help keep track of pickups, appointments and school events, Direnfeld recommends using a Web-based program like Our Family Wizard, which was designed specifically for co-parents. Or keep it simple with Google Calendar. It also helps to have both parents on the school or daycare email list.

Source: http://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/11-successful-co-parenting-commandments/

Want to Thrive after Divorce?

Life Coaching: After the Split, 6 Principles to Move Foward in your New Life

SIX UNIVERSAL PRINCIPLES FOR THRIVING AFTER DIVORCE

After going through her own divorce, Carolyn Ellis, Ph.D., studied coaching with Debbie Ford, the New York Times bestselling author of “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers'” and “Spiritual Divorce.” Today, Ellis is a certified spiritual divorce coach. Ellis has developed success strategies she calls THRIVE. Practicing these six principles provides a way to move from merely surviving a divorce to thriving in your new life. Here are her six principles for thriving:

T – Trust.

OK. Right now life sucks. Embrace the suckage. Everything happens for a reason.

H – Honesty.

Get real with the grief. Develop a strategy for getting help with the loneliness. “Often parents keep a stiff upper lip and hold their grief in because they don’t want their children to see them upset,” Ellis said. “Modeling healthy ways to process your grief gives your children permission to feel their own pain.”

R – Responsibility.

You are in the driver’s seat and 100 percent responsible for your life, past, present and future. You are not a victim. You had some part in choosing what has happened. That means you get to chose where you go from here.

I – Integrity.

Don’t be thinking or saying one thing while doing another because every time you make a commitment to yourself and don’t follow through, you destroy your ability to trust yourself. Remember: your words are powerful. They must be in alignment with your actions, otherwise, you’re going to attract the wrong kind of people.

V – Vision.

While staying in a marriage is about honoring choices you made based on the person you were years ago, divorce gives you an opportunity to create a direction based on who you are today. So, create a bold vision and reach for what you really want.

E – Express.

This is a step is about learning to process all your emotions in healthy ways. Learning how to move emotions through you is important for your physical and emotional health. “Emotions are just energy in motion,” Ellis says. For example, on a day when life is really getting you down, Ellis suggests one way to model healthy expression for your children is by speaking truthfully and asking for something that will help you feel better. For example, “Mommy is feeling really sad right now. What I need is a five-minute tickle fight.” After all, laughter is the best medicine and there’s nothing like a raucous tickle time with kids to remind you of what’s really important.

Source: https://www.wevorce.com/blog/want-to-thrive-after-divorce/amp/

How Gratitude Can Change Your Life

“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice.”

– Meister Eckhart

Gratitude means thankfulness, counting your blessings, noticing simple pleasures, and acknowledging everything that you receive. It means learning to live your life as if everything were a miracle, and being aware on a continuous basis of how much you’ve been given. Gratitude shifts your focus from what your life lacks to the abundance that is already present. In addition, behavioral and psychological research has shown the surprising life improvements that can stem from the practice of gratitude. Giving thanks makes people happier and more resilient, it strengthens relationships, it improves health, and it reduces stress.

RESEARCH SHOWS GRATITUDE HEIGHTENS QUALITY OF LIFE

Two psychologists, Michael McCollough of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, and Robert Emmons of the University of California at Davis, wrote an article about an experiment they conducted on gratitude and its impact on well-being. The study split several hundred people into three different groups and all of the participants were asked to keep daily diaries. The first group kept a diary of the events that occurred during the day without being told specifically to write about either good or bad things; the second group was told to record their unpleasant experiences; and the last group was instructed to make a daily list of things for which they were grateful. The results of the study indicated that daily gratitude exercises resulted in higher reported levels of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, optimism, and energy. In addition, those in the gratitude group experienced less depression and stress, were more likely to help others, exercised more regularly, and made greater progress toward achieving personal goals.

Dr. Emmons – who has been studying gratitude for almost ten years and is considered by many to be the world’s leading authority on gratitude – is author of the book, “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier”. The information in this book is based on research involving thousands of people conducted by a number of different researchers around the world. One of the things these studies show is that practicing gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25%. This is significant, among other things, because just as there’s a certain weight that feels natural to your body and which your body strives to maintain, your basic level of happiness is set at a predetermined point. If something bad happens to you during the day, your happiness can drop momentarily, but then it returns to its natural set-point. Likewise, if something positive happens to you, your level of happiness rises, and then it returns once again to your “happiness set-point”. A practice of gratitude raises your “happiness set-point” so you can remain at a higher level of happiness regardless of outside circumstances.

In addition, Dr. Emmons’ research shows that those who practice gratitude tend to be more creative, bounce back more quickly from adversity, have a stronger immune system, and have stronger social relationships than those who don’t practice gratitude. He further points out that “To say we feel grateful is not to say that everything in our lives is necessarily great. It just means we are aware of our blessings.”

NOTICE AND APPRECIATE EACH DAY’S GIFTS

People tend to take for granted the good that is already present in their lives. There’s a gratitude exercise that instructs that you should imagine losing some of the things that you take for granted, such as your home, your ability to see or hear, your ability to walk, or anything that currently gives you comfort. Then imagine getting each of these things back, one by one, and consider how grateful you would be for each and every one. In addition, you need to start finding joy in the small things instead of holding out for big achievements—such as getting the promotion, having a comfortable nest egg saved up, getting married, having the baby, and so on–before allowing yourself to feel gratitude and joy.

Another way to use giving thanks to appreciate life more fully is to use gratitude to help you put things in their proper perspective. When things don’t go your way, remember that every difficulty carries within it the seeds of an equal or greater benefit. In the face of adversity ask yourself: “What’s good about this?”, “What can I learn from this?”, and “How can I benefit from this?”

THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO PRACTICE GRATITUDE

A common method to develop the practice of gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal, a concept that was made famous by Sarah Ban Breathnach’s book “Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude”. This exercise basically consists of writing down every day a list of three to ten things for which you are grateful; you can do this first thing in the morning or before going to bed at night. Another exercise you can try is to write a gratitude letter to a person who has exerted a positive influence in your life but whom you have not properly thanked. Some experts suggest that you set up a meeting with this person and read the letter to them face to face.

Last year millions of people took the challenge proposed by Will Bowen, a Kansas City minister, to go 21 days without complaining, criticizing, or gossiping. To help condition the participants to stop complaining, they each wore a purple No-Complaint wristband. Several authors in the self-improvement genre have suggested that people do something similar to help condition themselves to be constantly aware of the things in life that they’re grateful for.

A variation of the wristband concept is to create a gratitude charm bracelet, with either one meaningful charm or different charms representing the things you’re most grateful for. For example, you could have a charm shaped like a heart to symbolize your significant other, figurines to represent different family members, an apple to represent health, a dollar sign to symbolize abundance, a charm that represents your current profession or a future career, and maybe a charm that makes you laugh to represent humor and joy.

CONCLUSION

Once you become oriented toward looking for things to be grateful for, you will find that you begin to appreciate simple pleasures and things that you previously took for granted. Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good even in unpleasant situations. Today, start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful; in this way, you’ll be on your way toward becoming a master of gratitude.

Source: http://www.thechangeblog.com/gratitude/