How To Deal With The Awful Stuff People Say When You’re Getting Divorced

You can’t control what people say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.

You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.

And sometimes you’re lucky, and people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.

Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:

“Just get over your divorce already!” – a helping professional, a friend, and a family member

“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” – a friend

“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” – a friend AND a family member

“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” – a parent

“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” – a friend

What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is WHO is saying it.

It’s your family. It’s your friends. And it can even be the helping professional you’ve turned to for help.

So on top of the dismantling of your marriage, all the legalities of getting divorced, needing to redefine your relationship with your ex, learning how to co-parent, helping your kids deal with the divorce, and everything else that you’ve got to do to rebuild your life after divorce, you’ve also got to deal with the betrayal of these people you thought you could turn to.

This is exactly when you start to wonder who you can still trust.

Getting divorced is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever experience. And yet it can also be one of the most important turning points in your life.

If you know how to deal with the BS that others throw in your direction, you’ll come out of your divorce stronger than ever. And the strength you build now will make your post-divorce life amazing.

So how do you deal with the shit? You keep a few important points in mind.

If they’ve never been divorced, don’t expect them to have anything important to say to you about yours.

Most people who have never been divorced only have TV, magazines and the movies as reference for what getting divorced is like. They have ZERO idea of how long it takes to get over a divorce or how painful it is. So don’t let them take up any of your precious emotional energy or thought with their opinions because they’re ignorant when it comes to divorce.

Just as you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to help you figure out what all the red spots are on your child’s chest, don’t expect your family, friends or maybe even your therapist, clergy or other helping professional who’s never been divorced to be capable of providing helpful opinions about your situation.

Most people are chicken shits.

They aren’t able to have the honest conversations you need right now because it would make them feel uncomfortable.

People will project their limitations and life experience on you.

We all see the world through our own eyes and very few of us can truly step into another person’s shoes to see life through their eyes. The result is that most people will ASSume (yes, I do mean this to imply that they’re making as ass of themselves) that what’s true for them is true for you too.

They may be weak and uninformed, but that doesn’t mean you are. In fact, it takes an incredibly strong and determined person to get through divorce – a person just like you.
Just because you now understand why they’re saying the BS, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

You definitely shouldn’t just accept what they have to say.

One way you can turn their stupidity around is to use it to build a stronger sense of self. And the way you do that is by becoming completely aware of what you’re feeling as a result of their insensitivity.

Then name those feelings. You can either call the emotions what they are, or something more creative, like George, Ringo, Paul and John. Whatever works for you.

Once you know what the emotions are and can name them, you’ll be able to choose how you experience them – because you’re not simply feeling them any more.

This power of choice is incredible.

You might choose to continue experiencing the emotions as you have been, or you might choose to experience something else entirely. It’s by deliberately choosing your experience that you strengthen your sense of self.

You can best deal with other people’s fear of being honest be being honest yourself.
Tell them exactly what you think and feel. You don’t need to attack them, but articulating exactly how what they’re saying impacts you will make you feel much more powerful, and you’ll no longer be a victim of their words.

When people tell you that you can’t do something, you can use their negativity as fuel to prove them wrong. You know what you’re really capable of. They don’t. They may be weak, but that definitely doesn’t mean that you are.

We’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we could take back.

The problem is that when other people are way too human when you’re getting divorced, it hurts worse than it might at other times, because you’re already battling a whole lot.
By keeping these ideas in mind, you’ll emerge from the chaos and uncertainty of your divorce a stronger and more confident person – because you’ll have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU can trust YOU.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-deal-with-the-sht-people-say-when-youre-getting-divorced-wcz/

Starting Over After Divorce: How to Survive a Move to a New City

Starting over after divorce can be challenging, but starting over after a move to a new city and divorce is downright daunting.

Congratulations! Your divorce is settled and you’re officially in divorce recovery. It’s a dream come true for everyone: either the fantasy you hoped for or the nightmare you’ve dreaded. Win or lose, a new life looms ahead after divorce – new friends, new identity, and for some, a new home in a city far away from your old haunts.

Starting over after a move to a new city is daunting. “Move” is a four-letter word for a reason! It’s even trickier if you’re over 50, if the kids have left the roost, if your old job has evaporated and you’ll be looking for new employment, or if you’re newly retired, it takes courage and bravery to create a whole new life from scratch – especially after grey divorce. 
Be proud of yourself for embarking on this adventure.

Packing up and leaving has its own set of problems, but preparing yourself for the emotional challenge once you get to your new town is critical.

These tips will keep you sane while you make the transition in a new place. Keep this list handy in case you have to find a new therapist after your move to a new city.
Moving is hard. Yes, be excited about your new life – a fresh start is energizing – but be realistic, too. You’re making a major life transition.

Tips to Help You Survive Your Move to a New City

1. Be patient with yourself while you’re getting settled.
Beware of buyer’s remorse. Even though your marriage was miserable and untenable, it can start to look better – even desirable – when you’re desperately lonely and homesick after a move. Thoughts of “What was I thinking?” or “I miss my old Whole Foods Market” or “I’m all alone and no one cares” start to seep into your 3:00 a.m. gremlins. All of those thoughts are based in your fears and insecurities, and you’ll eventually get past them.

It takes time to start over. Plan accordingly. Be your own best friend for a while. It takes anywhere from six months to a year before people start including you on a regular basis. There may be a flurry of activity at first, as you’re the new person in town, but after a while it dies down and your social life gets quiet indeed.

You must learn to trust your decision to move. Give it two years before you judge it. By that time, you’ll be ensconced in your new place and you’ll have a hard time remembering the loneliness you felt at the start.

2. Don’t take it personally.

In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, author Don Miguel Ruiz tells us that the second agreement to yourself for life contentment is “Don’t Take It Personally”. I suggest you write this on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror in your new digs – whether temporary or permanent. You’ll need it when these things happen (and they will):

• Old friends don’t email you.
• New friends don’t invite you to join them.
• No one offers to help you.
• The business contacts you counted on don’t come through.
• Your neighbors don’t welcome you.
• The people who are “the reason you moved there” don’t get in touch.
• Your own kids are too busy to see you.

3. Be proud: it took real courage to move to a new city after your divorce.

People live busy lives, just as you did before you moved. Most of them don’t have a clue what it’s like to pick up sticks and start all over again, particularly after 50, 60, 70 or even 90! They don’t have the sheer guts you had to make your move. Be proud of what you’ve done. At the same time, understand that every locale has a dedicated following and its inhabitants think it’s the best place on earth. Smile when they tell you that Daisy’s Diner has the best fried chicken you’ll ever taste. Never mind that you’ve just moved from Atlanta where fried chicken is an art.

You’ve Made Your Move. Now What?

1. Keep a journal. Write at least one short paragraph each morning while you sip your sunrise java. Your journal will become your best friend. You’ll be able to trace your growth in your new town, and soon you’ll look back, chortle to yourself, and say, “I’m so far past that, now!” It’s nice to have a gauge.
2. Expect your circle of friends to change. I tell my clients who relocate after divorce this truth: The people you meet when you first move are available to be your friends for a reason. In other words, the neediest people always surface at first. This is not always the case, but it frequently happens. It takes a while to discover the solid folks because they have a life. You will discover them, however. Have faith.
3. Say yes to every invitation once. Unless the group violates your personal principles, accept every invitation you get, at least one time. I know it’s hard. I know it’s a killer to have to walk in to the event alone. I know you hate strolling up to strangers and making small talk. I know you will spend the day prior saying, “I do not want to go to this.” Suck it up and do it anyway. You’ll meet at least one person you find interesting. At the very least, you’ll know what you don’t want to do. At the best, you may discover a whole new support community.
4. Know that the newness will end. Your decision to move was the right one. Yes, there are some hurdles, but nothing you can’t handle.

After a Move to a New City, You’re Free to be Your True Self

The primary reason that you relocated is still true: you can start over as a new person. You have a blank white canvas in front of you, and you can paint in any colors for your new life that you’d like. These people don’t know you, so you’re finally free to be your true self that your marriage wouldn’t allow.

Here’s my best divorce advice about moving to a new city after divorce:

1. Let go of expectations that new acquaintances will turn into BFFs immediately.
2. Don’t take it personally when you don’t get holiday invitations the first year.
3. Be your own best friend and explore your new home.
4. Go into it all with eyes wide open.

Before you know it, you’ll be a townie yourself, and you’ll be saying, “I can’t believe I’ve lived here for five years!”

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/starting-over-after-divorce-how-to-survive-a-move-to-a-new-city/

From Surviving to Thriving

Days after my tsunami divorce, my mom turned to me and told me I would survive.

I actually got angry and responded rather strongly, “No, I will not survive. I will thrive. To do anything less is to remain his victim.”

I saw surviving as the bare minimum, the mere intake of breath and food in order to go through the motions of life. I refused to settle for that. I wanted more. It felt insurmountable, yet the vision and hope remained intact.

Inspired by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, these goals can serve to help you navigate the challenging path after divorce and take you from merely surviving to thriving.

Survive

The first tier of goals are about your literal survival. In the beginning, it is enough to simply focus on your next breath. And then the one after that. The goal is to keep you alive and functioning. These physical needs must be addressed first before any further progress can be made.

Safety
The first priority is your immediate physical safety. If you have been a victim of domestic violence or if you have concerns that your ex may become violent, seek help. The National Domestic Abuse Hotline can help point you to resources in your area. If abuse has not occurred, but you have concerns, contact your local police department. In my case, they graciously offered to do periodic drive-bys during the first few scary weeks. 

Shelter
Once your immediate safety has been secured, it is time to figure out your short-term or long-term housing. Consider all of your options carefully and make the choice that feels best for your (and your children’s) long term health and happiness. I knew I could not stay in the marital home due to financial and emotional reasons. I also knew that I was not ready to live alone; it would have been too isolating. I was fortunate to have a friend and her family offer their guest bedroom to me for the first year. It wasn’t ideal, but it was perfect.

Food
Post-divorce, people tend to fall into one of two camps when it comes to food. Some overindulge, using food as a way to soothe and self-medicate. Others lose all appetite and avoid food altogether. Neither approach is healthy physically or emotionally. Think of the food you eat as your basic input. You can’t expect a quality output when you put in garbage or nothing at all. In those early days and weeks when people ask how they can help, ask for a healthy meal. It just might be the fuel you need to see it through.

Sleep
Something about loss makes the nights seem endless, hours stretching further than any clock can convey. This is only amplified when you cannot sleep. I spent many nights sitting on the edge of my bed, legs shaking, tears pouring down my swollen face. Many nights where I arose never having slept. In the best of times, lack of sleep makes the smallest task overwhelming. During divorce? It makes it impossible. I resisted medication for weeks and then gave in when it became apparent that my body wouldn’t turn off on its own. Sleep is a priority. If it doesn’t happen naturally, seek medical help.

Alive
This is where your basic emotional needs are met. These goals take you out of survival mode and remind you what it feels like to be alive.

Breath
When you face loss, the chest has a tendency to tighten, bound by a corset of grief. The breath becomes shallow as struggle to hold on to anything, even the air held deep in your chest. Consciously work to invite the breath back into the body. I found yoga immensely helpful in teaching my body to breathe again, welcoming life back in to the body and mind.

Movement
Whether you were an avid exerciser before your divorce or you have always preferred the sedentary life, movement in some form is a key element in healing. Exercise reduces anxiety and depression, increases energy and builds confidence even as it builds muscle. It is a reminder of what it feels like to be fully alive, moving with energy and intention.

Touch
Humans are social creatures; we have evolved to touch and be touched. Friendly contact increases oxytocin, reduces cortisol and lowers anxiety. After divorce, it’s common to be touch-deficient at a time when you need its benefits the most. One of the ways I met this need after my split was to prioritize monthly massage sessions. It was a safe way that I could receive touch without the expectancy of reciprocity. Those precious hours on that table helped to rebuild my sense of self and stability. 

Laughter
One of my favorite pictures of myself is one where my now-husband then-boyfriend captured me in the middle of a huge, belly-shaking laugh. That was the first instance where I truly felt alive again after my ex left. The first moment where nothing mattered except that for that single moment. Laughter is the sound of life. And practice makes perfect. Find opportunities to smile and embrace them. You may feel like you’re faking it for a while. That’s okay. One day, that smile will be real and unclouded by the past.

Thrive
Once you’ve reentered life and mastered the basics of surviving, it’s time for the advanced curriculum. These goals are the instruments that can elevate you to a new level of happiness and fulfillment. 

Connection
Divorce has a way of shrinking your world, pulling back on the strings that connect you to others. The first step in thriving is to grow your world again. Open your arms. Tear down your barriers. Be vulnerable. Allow yourself to love and be loved. I know for me this was the scariest step. Connection means forming new bonds that can be broken. And I remembered that pain all too well. Yet I wasn’t going to let the fear of heartbreak keep me in chains of my own making.

Passion
In my mind, thriving has always been linked with passion. It’s approaching life head-on with unbridled enthusiasm and spirit. It’s those moments and interests that pull you under and sweep you away. You can rekindle a former passion that you have let fall by the wayside or you can create a new one. In my former life, gardening was my passion; I would get lost in the palate of my plantings. My new life called for something new and I now paint with words rather than flowers. 

Creation
Divorce is the destruction of a marriage and what better way to counter that force that with that of creation. Everyone I encounter who is thriving after divorce works at creating beauty in the world. Some are artistic, creating portraits in pastels or words. Others seek to create havens for others to feel safe and secure. Some strive to change the divorce process, wanting to create a better experience for those who encounter the courts. And many strive to create the best life possible for their children. Regardless of your medium, let the tear-down of your marriage become the foundation for something new.

Service
The benefits of service are threefold: it reinforces your own gratitude, it helps you find peace with your past and it benefits others, spreading positive energy and interaction. Service can take many forms depending upon your gifts and strengths. Find a way to give back that is meaningful to you and helpful for others. There is no better way to feel fully alive than to help others live their best lives.

The road from survival to thriving isn’t a straight one. Some days you will experience great progress only to be pulled back to first step again. But the twists and turns become easier to navigate as you become familiar with the path. 

And before you know it, you’ll spy a sign:

Welcome to The Thriver’s Club. 

A place to celebrate life after loss.

A place to share our joys and triumphs.

A place to bring hope to those still trying to find their way.

In order to be a member, all you have to do is share one example of how you have been able to thrive after divorce.

It can small or grand. A sign of truly moving on or as fleeting as a moment where the sun broke through the clouds.

Don’t be shy; smiles are meant to be shared not hidden away.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-arends/from-surviving-to-thriving_b_4794142.html