Don't Get Stuck In A Rut - Here's How To Move On After A Divorce
After sweating your way through proposal planning, asking (what felt like) the most important question of your life, committing your life to another person and building a life together, it can seem surreal when the ‘D’ word comes up in conversation. Even scarier? When divorce becomes the reality of your relationship, ending the marriage and the union that you had hoped would last the rest of your life. Between the financial, emotional and physical impact a divorce has on your wellbeing, health and happiness, considering a future that is full of joy might seem far-fetched and impossible.
While there's no point in sugarcoating it and say it’ll be easy to move on after a divorce, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a touchdown to still be made at the other end of the field. The hard, sad truth is that an estimated 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce, meaning that you are definitely not the first person to have to move past a heartache and you certainly won’t be the last.
Here, relationship experts give you their best advice on how to mend your spirit and begin the long road of recovery that hopefully will lead you to an even better romantic match in the years to come:
1. Let Yourself Feel It
Relationship expert, psychologist and author of My Husband Won’t Have Sex With Me, Dr. Dawn Michael, Ph.D., says that of all the traumatic experiences a person can go through, getting a divorce is among the most difficult. Not only are you experiencing the great divide of your assets — from your home and your bank accounts to any investments and in some cases, children — but you are also mourning the loss of a partner. Even if your ex was unfaithful to you or in the end, turned out to be more vicious, cold, cruel or vengeful than you could have ever imagined possible; at one time in your life, you thought they were the best person on Earth and letting go of that imagine? Well, it is hard.
And depending on how much time you both spent in negotiations with your respective lawyers and how intense and heated your break-up proceedings went, you may feel exhausted by the time everything is officially signed on the dotted line. “If the couple can mediate on their own then it will still feel like a death of a relationship but without the added trauma of court. Court prolongs the pain and suffering for both parties,” Michael says.
Though leaning in to the discomfort of heartbreak is never an easy task — especially when it is not just letting go of a relationship but a marriage — allowing yourself to truly, fully experience your emotions will ensure that you are not delaying the moving on process. If you ignore those waves of anxiety and depressions, frustration and anger, and pretend like everything's just fine, then you aren’t actually learning from your divorce. If you really struggle with accepting emotions, as many men do, psychologist recommend seeking therapy post-divorce, so a professional can guide you through the tough-to-navigate land of singleness that you haven’t been part of in years, if not, decades. From talk therapy methods where you are asked questions that help you understand your feelings to discovering coping mechanisms that are personal and practical to you, a therapist can identify your road to moving on, without you having to pretend for one minute that you are perfect A-OK, when frankly, you are sad. (And hey, for good reason.)
2. Take Your Time
Want to know, to the calendar date and to the hour, when you're 100%, totally, completely ready to go on your first date post-divorce? As comforting and encouraging as that would be, the time that it takes to be ready to put yourself back into that sea of eligibility will greatly depend on how your marriage ended and how you’ve handled the time afterwards.
As psychologist and love and marriage expert, Dr. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., LCPC explains, “The time to move on after a divorce varies from person to person. For many people, the relationship was long over before the divorce was final. For some couples, the divorce was a long and bitter process that left them in bad shape. Depending on where you stood at the end of it all can dramatically change the time you need before meeting new people again.”
No matter if your friends are elbowing you into the bar scene and trying to introduce you to single, attractive women, or your parents are worried about your happiness and just want to see you ‘settled and fulfilled’ — the only person’s opinion that matters is your own. Instead of giving into the pressures or beginning to doubt your attractiveness or date-ability, give yourself a break and take the emotions as they come. Dr. Martinez says that it is much better to wait longer than you thought you’d need before jumping right back into dating post-divorce without taking care of your mental health first and foremost. Only when you are a healed, healthy person can you truly give your best self to the next partner that you decide to take a chance on. After all, ending one relationship only to rush into another one would be a dangerous gamble, given that you haven’t stopped, inhaled and figured out what you really want, and more importantly, what you need, post-divorce.
3. Get Active
Did your father ever tell you as a young teenager when puppy love got the best of you, that the best way to move on is to meet someone else? His words of wisdom might ring loud-and-clear for you right now, but before you move on to another relationship, Dr. Martinez says focusing on other interests, especially physically-active ones, can be a smart way to release your depression and anxiety that your divorce created. When you first go through the court proceedings, the moving details and the emotional windfall, you might feel uninspired to do much of anything, so building up your stamina and your health is a smart way to get the process of moving on started.
“The physical impact of getting a divorce can often go hand-in-hand with sadness and depression. You may not be exercising, you might not be eating in a healthy manner, and you may not be taking care of yourself in the way you normally would,” she explains. “There is a part of you that thinks ‘why bother,’ but the truth of the matter is that all of these activities are only going to help you build their emotional, and physical, health, during a very trying time.”
By joining pickup basketball games or joining a recreational football team, you might also meet other male divorcees that can relate to where you are in your life and help give you advice on what has helped them to move forward. Also, as you see your body continually get stronger and build endurance, you’ll build self-confidence both in your appearance and yourself.
4. Don't Compare Yourself To Your Ex
Post-divorce, it is a good idea to remove your connections to your former partner, especially if you are tied via every social media account, giving you an hour-by-hour update to what’s they're doing and worse, who they might be seeing. Even if you mutually agreed that your marriage had an end-date, accepting that they're getting back into the dating scene and moving on faster than you can be a tough pill to swallow. that is why Dr. Martinez says to remove all temptation of keeping tabs on her and instead, focus on your own road to recovery and love, without making your ex a factor.
This is also important for another big reason: forgiveness. As Dr. Martinez says, if you are constantly in contact with her (or stalking her Instagram) then you do not allow for the space and the disconnect to process your relationship and your divorce. And without forgiving your ex (and yourself, too), you can’t be ready to truly move on in an healthy, impactful way. “You are really only ready to let go and move on when you have fully let go of the previous relationship and you harbor no resentment or ill will. When you have fully closed that chapter and are looking forward to moving on with your life, then you are ready to approach a new possible companionship,” she says.
So you might be ready to grab drinks after work with a new person, but you might not be equipped to commit right away. Dr. Martinez says this just fine — as long as you are honest with yourself and with your matches. “The most important question you should ask yourself is ‘Am I ready to date
?’ — and in what capacity,” she says. “Any stage and any answer is fine, just be honest with yourself, and with the person you are considering dating.”
Source: http://uk.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/how-to-move-on-after-a-divorce.html
In what may be of little surprise to avid readers of FacebookCheating.com, a new study found a correlation between social media use and divorce rates in the United States.
The study, published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior by researchers from Pontificia Universidad Católica de Chile and Boston University, compared state-by-state divorce rates to per-capita Facebook accounts. In a separate analysis, they also used data from a 2011-2012 survey that asked individuals about marriage quality and social media use.
Their study found a link between social media use and decreased marriage quality in every model they analyzed. They said their research did not prove that social media might be to blame for troubled marriages, but suggested such a link may be proven in subsequent studies.
"Although it may seem surprising that a Facebook profile, a relatively small factor compared to other drivers of human behavior, could have a significant statistical relationship with divorce rates and marital satisfaction, it nonetheless seems to be the case," the authors wrote.
The state analyses found that a 20 percent annual increase in Facebook enrollment was associated with anywhere from a 2.18 percent to a 4.32 percent increase in divorce rates depending on the model used. Similarly, the model from individual survey results predicts that someone who does not use social media is over 11 percent happier in his or her marriage than a heavy social media user.
The study did not attempt to establish any causal relationship between Facebook and negative marital outcomes, but the authors did offer several explanations for why the correlation exists.
The study's authors reasoned that individuals in problematic relationships may be turning to social media for a support system, thus explaining the link between their increased usage and marital problems. They also wrote that social networks may help reduce uncertainty for people going through a divorce by providing information on an ex-partner without forcing direct contact.
The authors also hypothesized that social media's addictive qualities may create marital strife, promote an environment rife with opportunities for jealousy and may help facilitate extra-marital affairs.
Source: http://www.cnbc.com/2014/07/08/social-networking-linked-to-divorce-marital-unhappiness.html
Most people with a smartphone are constantly tapped into some form of social media. Sharing cute pictures of kids and pets is simply a routine part of life these days. Some people even use social media to vent frustrations or look for advice.
In a divorce case, however, shares on social media can create ample evidence that can be used against one or both parties to affect alimony, child support, child custody, and more.
Email and Text Messages
Email and text messages are admissible in court and can even be subpoenaed. If one party in the marriage reveals something about a new job or an upcoming bonus that hasn’t been revealed in court, this can be used as evidence that the person isn’t being honest in his or her financial declarations.
Someone once claimed in court that he didn’t have a job, yet he posted about his job online (along with the expensive vacations he took with his girlfriend). With this evidence in court, his request for alimony was denied.
Lawyers advise people to keep all written communication free of sensitive information during a divorce. If you wouldn’t want a judge reading it, don’t write it - anywhere.
Finances
Most people don’t list their income on social media, but they find plenty of other ways to brag about their financial prosperity. If someone claims a low income to avoid high alimony or child support payments but posts pictures of expensive vacations or purchases, this can be used against him or her in court.
Even when a spouse is blocked from seeing his estranged wife’s social media, he can still often see what her friends are posting. If she goes on an expensive vacation with a mutual friend and that friend makes a post about the trip, the spouse can use this evidence to prove that his wife isn’t being honest in her finances.
Ben Carrasco, a divorce attorney in Austin, Texas, reports once using a LinkedIn profile to show the existence of a side business (another source of income) that a party had not disclosed in discovery. This information helped his client secure more child support than she would have otherwise received. “It’s amazing the wealth of information now at our fingertips in a divorce case” says Mr. Carrasco. “What would have once taken weeks of research to discover, if at all, can now be found in the click of a mouse”.
Dating Sites
Creating a profile on an online dating site before a divorce is finalized is foolish. Not only does it show evidence of potential cheating, but most people present themselves differently in an online profile than they do in person. If someone is caught saying something different on a dating site than is said in court, it can lead to problems in the divorce case.
Child Custody
Social media reveals what people are doing, where they’re doing it, and when it’s happening. If a mother is working through a child custody case, but posts pictures that show she was drunk when she should have been watching the children, a judge may rule that the children will not be properly cared for by her.
If one party is supposed to be searching for a job, but posts pictures and status updates that reveal he’s playing video games all day, the judge may rule harshly on alimony and child support decisions.
How to Prevent Negative Effects From Social Media
The best thing to do to avoid social media ruining any portion of a divorce case is to simply stop using it. Many people may be tempted to actually delete their accounts and scrub their online lives. However, once litigation has begun, social media becomes evidence. Deleting accounts is actually a destruction of evidence and can cause a lawyer to be sanctioned.
One thing is for sure. If you’re going through a divorce, you can be certain your spouse and lawyer are combing through your online life. Protect yourself by staying away from all of your social media related accounts until the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/william-morrow/a-look-at-how-social-medi_b_10633940.html
In years past the task of impressing one’s friends and neighbours involved the straightforward - if expensive - urge to rush out and buy the latest gadget or embark on some grand home improvement.
But in the age of social media, when Facebook timelines have become a parade of other people’s smiling babies, idyllic holidays, culinary miracles, marathon times or stellar career moves, those determined to equal or outdo their peers face a herculean task.
Now divorce lawyers say the trend for so-called “Facebragging” – using social media to show off under the guise of "sharing" news – is even helping fuel marital breakups as more couples succumb to pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations.
While the old maxim that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence has long been familiar to divorce lawyers, social media has helped take discontent to new levels, they believe.
The internet has previously been blamed for fuelling break-ups because people's bad behaviour was being exposed.
Now it appears an even greater stress on marriage comes from dissatisfied spouses looking online and seeing behaviour which is too good to be true.
Holly Tootill, a family lawyer with JMW Solicitors, which handles just over 300 divorces a year, said around one in five marital splits on the firm's books involve spouses complaining about their “imperfect” marriages.
Social media has became a major conduit for discontent and unrealistic expectations, she said.
“There is a relatively small percentage of cases in which individuals are encountering evidence of improper behaviour by their partners on social media,” she said.
“But it is, if you like, the volume and frequency of apparent perfection portrayed on platforms such as Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn and in lifestyle and entertainment magazines which is a far greater problem.
“Family, friends and businesses are so keen to use social media, in particular, as a means of promotion that spouses are being exposed to lots of very positive imagery.
“It all looks so glamorous and so very exciting that people make negative comparisons with their own home lives and their husbands or wives as a result.
“They seem unable to accept what they see as something of a show and not necessarily representative of daily reality for the majority of people.
“More and more clients tell us that they regret how their marriage isn’t perfect in the way that they were led to believe it might be.
“In our experience, the perception that they have failed to attain domestic perfection is rarely – if ever – the only factor in a divorce.
“The pressure which it creates, however, exacerbates existing tensions or fractures in relationships across almost all age groups.”
Photographs – often carefully selected to show people in the best light before being shared – can prove particularly toxic in some contexts, she added.
In some cases husbands or wives have put pressure on each other to be as glamorous as their friends’ spouses, as portrayed on social media.
“There are countless complaints about fitness and weight,” she said. “Couples are under so much pressure to maintain a perfect image.
“Some husbands have threatened to end their marriages and take up with someone else if their wives do not maintain the toned physiques of some of their peers on social media.
“Other marriages have fallen apart because of the strain which the economic downturn has had on the family’s lifestyle.
“As the recession hit, couples had to budget and, on one occasion, a spouse simply tired of having to buy counterfeit luxuries in order to keep up the appearances with those in their social circle as a result.”
Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08/18/how-the-trend-for-facebragging-could-be-fuelling-divorce/
About seven months ago, Billy Flynn, a divorced father of two, made national headlines when his Facebook post on co-parenting went viral.
It's been shared almost 120,000 times, and close to 220,000 people have reacted to it.
Flynn was married for 11 years before separating from his wife in 2012. Since then, he has worked to establish a new "normal" when it comes to the family dynamics.
There's no road map when it comes to divorce, especially when there are children involved. The adults hold a great deal of power, and it's easy to get caught up in the emotional component.
Flynn works as managing partner of Gadbois Audet, a firm that deals with family law, in addition to several other areas, so he sees parents "duking it out" in court and not considering the ramifications involved.
When adults focus on their negative feelings toward one another, the children take the hit.
According to Flynn's now-famous post, he agrees.
Here are his words that went viral:
"It's my ex-wife's birthday today so I got up early and brought flowers and cards and a gift over for the kids to give her and helped them make her breakfast. Per usual someone asked me why the hell I still do things for her all the time. This annoys me. So ima break it down for you all.
I'm raising two little men. The example I set for how I treat their mom is going to significantly shape how they see and treat women and affect their perception of relationships. I think even more so in my case because we are divorced. So if you aren't modeling good relationship behavior for your kids, get your (expletive) together. Rise above it and be an example. This is bigger than you.
Raise good men. Raise strong women. Please. The world needs them, now more than ever."
In the months following his post, Flynn has been inundated with comments - both positive and negative. Some have lashed out, calling his views unrealistic, while others have commended his ability to "man up" in what can be a difficult situation.
We reached out to Flynn for a more in-depth explanation of his post - and to address the criticism that he's faced as a result of putting his life in front of the world. Here's what he had to say
"I'm not advocating that everyone should or even CAN do what I do. My kids like making Mom breakfast on her birthday, so I shop for them and help them make it and leave. That's their breakfast with Mom, I'm just a facilitator. Every case is different, depending on the relationship and the boundaries you have set with your ex and their new partner, if they have one. The details of what you do aren't important. The message behind it is: You're an example. Little ones don't have the resources an adult has, but they still want to show love and appreciation for their parents. Setting aside your differences to facilitate that and set an example without negativity is the point, not making breakfast. People miss the forest for the trees on this one. Whether it's taking them shopping for a card on her birthday or helping them hand-make something on Mother's Day, you have a chance to join and encourage their affection to an important person in their life. Parents are god-like figures in a child's life.
How you act toward this important person will leave an impression right now and for their future, whether you like it or not. Kids don't need to know your resentment or interpersonal issues with your ex, that's selfish. They aren't your personal sounding board or therapist.
They are too young to comprehend the issues, but they aren't too young to sense anger and resentment and they don't know what to do with that. It's confusing. You have to set it aside.
We can pretend Santa is real for them, why can't we pretend Mom and Dad still value each other and care to treat each other with respect? It's even more important! They look to you as an example of how to behave, of how to be, of what is acceptable in relationships - and ultimately, that's the bottom line. Actions speak louder than words. It doesn't matter what the other person does or doesn't do. You can't control that. But you CAN control the behaviors and values you demonstrate for your children."
Source: http://www.9news.com/news/dad-fires-back-after-critics-slam-viral-facebook-post-on-divorce/447045507
