The noun resilience stems from the Latin resiliens “to rebound, recoil.” As a character trait, resilience is a person’s mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness or depression.
For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball. Like millions, I have had my share of adversity. Growing up in Bangladesh, I have seen war, famine, and inhumane poverty. As an entrepreneur, technologist, and author, I have faced many professional and personal failures and rejections. I had to learn the art of resiliency to survive and then thrive.
Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking. They possess a set of powerful traits. I’ve shared some of these traits separately in my previous posts; in this article, I wanted to bring them all together.
They Protect Their Soul
Dusting ourselves off every time we fall requires disciplining our inner energy and drive to protect our soul.
1. They Control Their Destiny.
It is difficult to understand how you can control your destiny when the very nature of adversity takes away your control. Destiny results from “intention” — our spiritual will, something that drives us to do what seems impossible.
Laurence Gonzales, author of SURVIVING SURVIVAL: The Art and Science of Resilience, in an article writes:
Julian Rotter, a professor of psychology at the University of Connecticut, developed the concept of what he calls “locus of control.” Some people, he says, view themselves as essentially in control of the good and bad things they experience — i.e., they have an internal locus of control.
This internal locus allows us to create options and scenarios based on instinct, the situation, and foresight. It allows us to create alternative plans in anticipation or in the midst of adversity.
2. They Accept Their Battle.
As humans, our instincts are to fight bitterly against adversity. The most resilient among us will often find a way to fight it by embracing it.
On my desk is a copy of “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Very few have talked about embracing adversity like him. A professor at Carnegie Mellon and a husband and father of three, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given only a few months to live. He gave his Last Lecture on Sept. 18, 2007. His story, and particularly this final lecture, are a powerful reminder of the strength of the human spirit.
It’s not about how to achieve your dreams, it’s about how to lead your life ... If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you. — Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
Randy decided to accept his situation and live out the days he had remaining by making a difference. He died on July 25, 2008, and now he lives on not only through his family but also through the millions he inspired. I am certainly one of them.
If you haven’t seen the “Last Lecture“ or read the book, then you must.
Once we accept our situation and let go of the outcome, it allows us to adapt and even thrive in the face of adversity.
3. They Use Adversity As Their Compass.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable. — Helen Keller
Sometimes, if we pay close attention, we see that adversity can come into our life to guide us to our true destiny. It certainly did for Helen Keller.
Helen Keller fell ill, lost her sight, her hearing and fell mute while she was a child. Today, her name is known around the world as a symbol of courage, strength and determination in the face of overwhelming odds. Through the tutelage of her teacher, Ms. Annie Sullivan, and other great supporters, she used her adversity to find her vision, her voice, and a calling for herself that led to great benefits to others.
They Learn to Suffer Well
Adversity inherently invokes pain, suffering, and disappointments. Accepting and growing through our pain is part of our personal growth. This is hardly easy. Like any other skill, learning to suffer well requires conscious practice and learning.
4. They Practice Patience.
The realization of the power of patience was most obvious to me during my visit to the Toshogu Shrine in Nikko, Japan. There, I stood in front of a famous Japanese calligraphy, a quote by Tokugawa Ieyasu, founder of the Tokugawa shogunate which ruled Japan for over 250 years until 1868.
It says: “The strong manly ones in life are those who understand the meaning of the word patience. I am not as strong as I might be, but I have long known and practiced patience. And if my descendants wish to be as I am, they must study patience.”
Over time, I have found that the practice of patience begins with:
Compassion — The Dalai Lama says, “a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change even if they behave negatively or hurt you.” It is perhaps one of the hardest things to practice, yet there’s no substitute for compassion.
Gratitude — When life turns upside down, staying in an attitude of genuine thankfulness helps us realize what we have.
5. They Let Go.
Fear is a protective emotion signaling danger and helps us to prepare for and cope with it. Fear perhaps is the key fundamental emotion that holds us back — fear of failure, losing people, success, the unknown, and fear of moving forward or making a change. Emotional pain is another key factor that often holds us back. Although others can cause pain for us, our pain can also be caused by our own actions, including our inability to achieve a desired aspiration.
The physical reaction to fear and pain is called the “fight or flight” response. Letting go is the inner action that stops resisting fear and pain, allowing us to restore our ability to see clearly. Letting go comes from having a “nonjudgmental” outlook toward life and people. It allows us to forgive others and ourselves equally for mistakes and incompatibility. We must be willing to let go of fear, pain, anger, and people. It is the ability to let go that drives a constant process of change — it is what makes us flexible and adaptable. This is hardly easy, takes a conscious effort, and is something I know I struggle with every day.
6. They Live in the Moment.
Being truly in the moment allows us to escape from adversity and conserve our inner energy. Living in the moment doesn’t mean we don’t care about the past or future. It means that when we make a choice to do something, we focus on solely doing it, rather than letting our mind wander into the future (or the past).
It’s been said that the only two jobs of a Zen monk are sitting zazen (meditation) and sweeping. Cleaning is one of the most important daily rituals of a Zen monk. They sweep or rake, and they try to do nothing else in that moment. The next time you’re doing housework, try concentrating on the housework — on the dust, the motion, the sensation. Cooking and cleaning are often seen as boring chores, but actually they are both great ways to practice mindfulness — something I ritualistically try to do at least once or twice a week. Sounds simple — but it’s actually pretty hard.
They Lead From Within
Despite our darkest moments, it is our duty to stay connected to our core intention. Resilient people reach their highest potential by taking risks that are consistent with their ethos and purpose. They lead themselves by constantly standing on an uncomfortable ledge.
7. They Develop Flexibility.
Lao Tzu said, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: What is soft is strong.”
Our ability to effectively survive, thrive and lead comes from flexibly riding out our ups and downs. An authentic journey does not always come from blasting through rocks and impediments, rather from having the faith, resilience and adaptability to cope with harsh realities of life.
8. They Find the Right Traveling Partners.
The people we surround ourselves with make the difference between failure and success. It’s not only whom we surround ourselves with that matters, but also how we interact with them that make the difference. It is important to avoid people who bring us down, waste our time, take us backward, and have no interest in our suffering. While we cannot always avoid them, at a minimum we can choose to not allow them to weaken us. And sometimes the right companion shows up through chance encounters.
In life’s journey there are many encounters. Some are planned; some are by accident; and some by divine intervention. I have had many amazing “Chance Encounters,” where it seems the universe rallied to come to my aid when I needed the help most. They have occurred when least expected — and many of the people I’ve encountered have become friends and family. And whenever those encounters initially left me with a “negative” experience, they turned out to be much-needed lessons for me.
9. They Take the Next Step Forward.
The ability to visualize our dreams creates a mindset that makes our ambitions possible. Understanding exactly what we want is the foundation for our success. But executing that success requires taking the next step, every day, no matter how hard it may be.
Author Joseph Marshall III shares Native American wisdom on taking the step in his book Keep Going.
It means letting the tears flow through the grief; it means to keep looking for the answer though the darkness of despair is all around. Each step takes you closer to the top of the hill, closer to the light of the next sunrise, and the promise of a new day.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/faisal-hoque/bend-not-break-9-powerful_b_4719513.html
“The sooner you say ‘Yes, it happened, and there’s nothing I can do about it,’ the sooner you can get on with your own life.”
— E. Annie Proulx, The Shipping News
We all accept, in principal, that life is hard and that “sh*t happens.” We just don’t want it to happen to us. When it does, we protest indignantly, “Why me?!” We harbor an unexamined presumption that misfortune should somehow bypass us. We should be encased in our own individualized iron domes to deflect incoming life assaults.
But why the heck not us? We all agree, in the abstract, that a life devoid of struggle is a life devoid of growth. An old Arabian proverb states: “All sunshine makes the desert.” Think of the people you respect and admire the most in your life: Haven’t they had tough times and life blows to overcome?
The question is not how to avoid life assaults but how to receive them when they hit. The answer lies in how we choose to think about these hardships, because how we think about life events determines how we feel about them, which, in turn, determines how adaptively we cope with them. Only in this way can we control the impact of life’s uncontrollable assaults. Can we accept life’s upheavals and soldier through them (which is not to say to masochistically welcome them!), or must we expend precious energies protesting them as unfair?
One of my dear friends, a source of constant inspiration to me, suffered three profound losses in a single year: her son who was in a grisly factory accident, her beloved dog who was hit by a car, and her husband who dropped dead of a heart attack. She was remarkably courageous in the way she accepted these losses. She was, of course, beset by shocked grief at first, but then proceeded to mourn and honor their lost lives without bitter protest. With gratitude, she spoke of the happiness they each brought into her life; with tender amusement, she recalled their idiosyncrasies. And with robust open-heartedness, she goes on growing and living her life.
In contrast, a patient whom I’ll call “Ellen,” was pathologically locked for two years in mourning the death of her husband. Daily, she railed against God for robbing her of his companionship. She grew embittered and calcified, refusing to grow into the hole he left behind by doing for herself what her husband had always done, e.g., arranging their social life, paying bills, servicing the car. She had seized up like a rusted hinge, immovable in her refusal to accept and adapt to her life’s upheaval. What emerged was that even more powerful than her grief in losing her husband was her fear of having to learn self-reliance after decades of living life as a “we” instead of a “me.” Her pathological mourning and helplessness kept other family members fulfilling the role vacated by her husband — but at the cost of her own growth and her family’s equanimity.
Paradoxically, there is strength and wisdom in submitting to harsh realities. The fact is, we are more productive when we direct all our energies to embracing rather than resisting “what is.” Why? Because when we protest, we squander precious energy needed for coping, like driving with one foot on the brake. When we relax, release and open fully to the realities confronting us, we can be far more creatively resourceful than when we recoil from “what is” with clenched fearfulness.
We can choose to think flexibly and adaptively, rather than rigidly and maladaptively, by redefining painful life blows as opportunities to evolve. Suffering is what grows the soul. Suffering is the “rock-tumbler” of life, within which the nuggets of our battered selves get polished into our highest and best selves.
“A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.
The gem cannot be polished without friction.” — Danish proverb
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-rasmussen/overcoming-hardship_b_2294349.html
'I LOVE being a mom, I love watching them grow... they astonish me daily'
Recently, we published a story You can be a happy divorced family. This Parent24 reader responded, telling us about her experience and the journey she's taken on with her three sons.
"I am a single mom with three boys. I was separated while pregnant with my third, and even when we were together, my ex would be gone for 16 hours a day, 6 days a week.
"Anyway, I think back to those times now, and it only made me stronger and more ready to deal with divorce and raising kids alone.
"My first was a hard won baby, almost 4 years in the making, my miracle boy. When he was 9 months old, I discovered that I was pregnant with baby no. 2, my first two are only 18 months apart.
This was not going to be easy...
"We were very happy, my first was such a dream and having another did not scare me at all. I knew that it was by no means going to be easy with an 18 month old and a new born, but I felt ready.
"Well, my second was/is a very difficult child, from the womb I could feel him constantly moving and jumping. Sometimes, it feels like we have a daily battle of wills, him and I, and I don’t always win!
"Hence, when I discovered that I was pregnant with baby number three, I cried and cried and cried. How was I going to cope? Single with a 3.5-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a newborn? But my baby was just the pudding, he fit right into our already established routine.
Let them get involved
"The absolute key: do not alienate the other children when a new one comes along, keep the children involved. We would all sit on the three-seater couch while I breastfed, bonding together. They all bathed together, dressed together, went to bed together, changed nappies together, got muddy together... you get the picture.
"Frankly, it was so much easier for me to work it this way, they just loved being totally involved in everything.
"I also gave up fighting to keep them in their own beds. The baby was in the cot pushed up next to my bed, and often, my other two would crawl into the bed with me sometime during the night. Getting them back into their beds was not worth the fight or the loss of sleep. And they won’t do it forever, they will grow out of it.
"My second still gets into my bed during the night on occasion, but there will come a time when I will have all the time I please to sleep, and will miss the nightly cuddles.
'I work hard to keep our heads above water'
"I am a full time mom, I work full time, I have to be super organized to get through my days. Yes my social life is non-existent, I rarely go out, but I prefer to go home to my boys and spend as much time as possible with them.
"I do not have the luxury of being home by 5pm everyday. I work hard to keep our heads above water, and to give them all the opportunities that they would have with a father in the house and the added income.
"I try and keep a good balance between it all, another key to keeping a happy home, and of course, a happy mom. Time is precious, and it goes by so fast.
'I know I am strong enough'
"For me, it was dealing with the here and now, always being prepared, and continuing with routine. Don’t think too much.
"On the rare occasion that I do have time alone, if I allow myself to think too much about the massive task still ahead of me, I start to feel totally overwhelmed. But I know I am strong enough, I will keep my head up and keep forging on.
"I LOVE being a mom, I love watching them grow, and I love the things that come out of their mouths; they astonish me daily.
"I can’t wait to get home to them."
Source: http://www.parent24.com/Family/Parenting/making-it-work-as-a-single-mom-of-3-boys-20170413
This past winter, I didn't wear a coat. It’s not that the cold didn't bother me; the idea wasn't to ignore the temperature. Instead, the idea was to build resiliency.
The fighter Mike Tyson once said, “Everybody has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth.” As an entrepreneur, you need to roll with the punches. Complacency is deadly in business. Kodak, Blackberry, even AOL (see below) are cautionary tales of what happens when business leaders fail to adapt during changing times.
My own coat challenge was just one way to keep myself sharp. I’ll drive new routes home so I don’t fall into patterns. I’ll show up in a new city with only $10 in my pocket -- and no credit cards -- to see if I can figure out how to get my destination. I’ve even tried eating healthy off a food stamp budget for two weeks, learning how to keep what’s crucial and eliminate what’s superfluous.
Some people, by virtue of their DNA, are just born more resilient. Research shows that those naturally selected have a higher proportion of neuropeptide, a transmitter in the brain, that makes them more psychologically hearty and resistant to high-pressure situations. Luckily, research shows that resiliency can be as much nurture as it is nature.
While some of my self-imposed challenges may seem bizarre, resiliency training helps me rise to the demands of operating a business. Rather than let obstacles get the better of me, I’ve practiced the fine art of calculation, regulating my emotions in order to stay focused and find the clear path forward.
In my view, there are four things resilient individuals -- and organizations -- must do in order to rise above adversity.
1. Remain realistic.
Optimism is great, but big challenges require a sober grasp of reality. It’s important for business leaders to ask, “Do I truly understand -- and accept -- the reality of the situation?”
People who are overly positive are less likely to foresee pitfalls. Worse, they’re prone to slip into denial, rather than tackle the hard issues in front of them. The truth is, facing reality is often uncomfortable and requires a certain gut-check. But business leaders need that kind of cool, unblinking courage to confront difficult situations and move forward toward success.
2. Reframe problems into lessons.
When the going gets tough, we all know people who start to lament, “Why me?” But playing the victim doesn’t solve problems. Tough times are going to happen. The resilient leader asks, “What have I learned from this experience?” Not, “What have I lost?”
The lessons of past experiences only help to inform future chances to do it better next time. That’s something all successful businesses and individuals understand.
A case study from my own experience: Our health search business had a vision of getting into the cost transparency-business. And our exuberant sales team sold it -- but it was slideware, not software. The product had to be built under a tight deadline. The client, thinking it was already done, asked for customized modifications, which we had to build into the core product against a deadline. In the end, we ended up with a piece of customized software but violated the basic business rule: Build it once, sell it a hundred times.
3. Be resourceful.
Making do with what’s at hand takes discipline and a keen eye. Often, creative individuals with a varied skill set are able to come up with the best solutions. When the going gets tough, these leaders imagine possibilities and improvise their way toward a solution, whereas others may stay idle and remain confounded.
Resourceful individuals are more resilient since they’re able to rise above stress and thrive with changing times.
Another case study: Soon after we launched our website, a formidable competitor burst onto the scene. Revolution Health, founded by Steve Case of AOL -- here's my AOL example -- was well-funded and taking aim at the space we were in. How could we possibly compete? Rather than panic or fold up our tent, we looked for places where Revolution Health wasn't building things we felt consumers needed. We focused all our energies on those narrow spaces. And we made a bet on building traffic through free SEO from Google -- while Revolution burned through millions building its brand. This competitor also had internal issues that ultimately caused its failure, leaving the field wide open, because it chased some of the other smaller, less resilient competitors out of the way.
4. Work for a higher purpose.
Leaders would be wise to practice what Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor E. Frankl termed “meaning therapy.” Simply put, it teaches people to look past their immediate hardships to think of the greater meaning of their lives.
In business, purpose and profits don’t have to be at odds. A company that cares deeply about a cause creates intrinsic value for both the workers and the customers. At Vitals, we’re committed to making the experience of choosing healthcare better. That mission drives and unifies the staff. It makes it likely that employees will stick together -- and not jump ship -- during difficult periods. And it’s something customers can easily grasp and get behind.
In the end, no one in business can expect to simply walk out among the raindrops. Resiliency is a reflex, a way of understanding the world when the odds are stacked against you. It requires facing down the competition, improvising solutions and creating something meaningful out of work. This is how Vitals has survived during setbacks -- and will continue to when the next challenge arrives.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245200
