How I Took Back Control of My Happiness and My Life

In the last two years, I have been through many up moments, down moments, and moments in between. And the only time I look back is to see how far I’ve come. Having more faith than fear, choosing to be grateful, and taking responsibility for my own happiness were key to giving me the strength to take back control of my happiness and my life — after years of grieving over the loss of my father, dissatisfaction in my career, relationship and overall life.

So I put together a few thoughts to share with you five things that I did to do just that.

1. I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I often struggled (and still do, sometimes) with feeling like a victim. One minute I am on top of the world, and the next minute I am completely alone feeling sorry for myself. And then I replay the hardships of my past over and over again until I get lost in my own head.
There comes a time when you have to make the decision to stop getting in your own way.Life is not ever going to be perfect. And I am not so sure that it gets “easier” — I think that you become stronger, and more resilient — more capable of handling stress in a healthier way.

There will be moments when all you will want to do is quit, and there will be people who do not choose to stay by you when you need them the most. But strength is developed through hardships and solidified with time. You have to save yourself, from yourself.
Make the decision to believe in you. Choose to stop listening to your doubts. Own your mistakes, then forget them. Love yourself first, and get on with your life.

2. I didn’t let failure convince me to quit.

There’s something about failure that sucks us in and spits us out — it takes away a little piece of our confidence, preventing us from wanting to try as hard. And this is the absolute worst thing that you can do — let the fear of failure prevent you from continuing on and pushing through. I have failed more times than I can count. I am not the best at everything — I don’t even know if I’m the best at ANYTHING. But I didn’t let that thought prevent me from trying over and over again.

There are so many examples of iconic, successful, famous, AND everyday people that have been known throughout history to have admit that they have failed, but more importantly — admit that their failures are what helped make them who they are today.

Because our perception of failure is what we need to overcome. Failure is NOT a bad thing. It’s actually a wonderfully productive blessing — that will guide us in the right direction. If you know that something doesn’t work, you’re going to get smarter, so that the next time you try — you know what NOT to do. Why do you think that failing is a bad thing? Maybe it’s a blow to your ego — but pride is for the birds. Failure is a gift, and without it — you won’t ever be successful.

3. I took a risk and did something that scared me.

This is something that people often struggle with in life — it goes hand in hand with the fear of failure. But I’ve realized that when something scares you — it’s usually a sign that you should be doing it.

I had dinner with a friend recently and she started telling me about how she felt unfulfilled at work — she had a new boss who didn’t get along with her, she felt like her responsibilities were decreasing, she didn’t feel as though she were learning anything new — all of this, and also told me that she had the opportunity to work on something completely new.

She went on to tell me that she was scared — she wasn’t sure if that were the smartest thing for her to do — leave her team (who she loved) and work that she was good at, to do something she had no idea about. And I couldn’t stop screaming, “YES! YES! YES!”

You have to do things that scare you. Comfort zones may be a wonderful place, but nothing ever grows there. Imagine being too scared to try something new, and choosing to be in your comfortable situation for months, or even years. Will anything change? Probably not.

Being content is fine if it makes you happy, but in my case — in my story — I had reached a point where I had no choice but to do something completely radical to change my life and take back control of it. If I had stayed with what made me feel comfortable, I never would’ve been happy. I would’ve been miserable, continually, until I felt like I had nothing else let to be live for.

There will be moments that you encounter throughout life when you become nervous, anxious, scared, fearful of what could happen — but it is absolutely possible for you to harness those feelings, and look at them as signs of what to do moving forward — instead of moving away from them.

So if the idea of doing something scares you, maybe you should actually do it.

4. I stopped putting my happiness in the hands of others.

Why doesn’t he do this for me? Why doesn’t she do this for me? How could she do this to me? How could he do this to me? Why don’t they care about me? What is with wrong with me? What did I do? He doesn’t make me happy.
F-ck them. F-ck all those people. (sorry for my language, but I get passionate about this sh-t.)

I used to find reasons for why I was sad or unhappy or unfulfilled or unsatisfied by placing my happiness in the hands of others, giving people a certain kind of responsibility to make me happy. And yes, it’s great to be in a committed relationship or expect certain things like that from your good friends, but at the end of the day — no one is responsible for your happiness but YOU. If you constantly depend on other people to make yourself happy, you are constantly going to be disappointed.

And it’s important to remember that you very well do possess the power to make yourself happy. You don’t have to depend on others for your own happiness. And when you start to do things for yourself — become independent in this pursuit of happiness — no one will be able to take that happiness from you.

5. I started doing things that made me happy.

Art? Music? Travel? Eating? Writing? Sketching? Walking? Running? Swimming? What is it that you like to do? What is it that if you woke up every single day, and could do without having to worry about money or your problems, what would it be?
I wanted to get away from my immediate environment — I wanted to get away from my everyday life — the everyday life that made me unhappy because I didn’t do anything to change it. But before I could get away and go on this epic trip, I had to make do with what I had.

I started going to new restaurants, exploring new roads or streets, taking wine + paint classes for no reason, googling DIY crafts just to pretend like I’d actually follow through with them, then actually follow through with them. I tried new things, ate new foods, met new people — even though I was in the same city.

Doing things that genuinely make you happy will actually make you happier. And when you are happier, more people will want to be around you, and make you happy. It’s a chain reaction that might sound cliche, but cliche things are just that for a reason.

Look within yourself to figure out what it is that makes you laugh, smile, jump with joy, dance for no reason, be silly — and if you aren’t sure about what it is that makes you happy, then TRY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. What have you got to lose, but your sad thoughts? What have you got to lose? Nothing.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jinna-yang/how-i-took-back-control-of-my-happiness-and-my-life_b_8759732.html

How To Show Up For A Friend Going Through A Divorce

I recently read an article about how important it is, in general, to “show up” for your friends. It got me thinking, specifically, about the toughest time I’ve gone through, my divorce. A few showed up, many didn’t and I understand why. Unless or until you’ve personally gone through it, you don’t know what to do. To those who would have shown up had they known what to do, to those who would like to show up in the future, here are the best ways to “show up” for a friend going through a divorce.

Say Something

Say something, anything. By the time someone goes through divorce publicly there have been months or years of fighting, turmoil, pain, anguish and often silence. Many feeling alone in marriage retreat to varying degrees. In my case I went radio silent. For several years I parsed my words carefully in my home. Free flowing with my kids, when my ex would enter our domain I’d tread delicately. If I could keep quiet for a few more days things might be OK, maybe a blow up could be averted, a holiday or weekend lived in peace. Eventually, exhausted by the horrendous ending to my 10-year marriage I couldn’t fake it anymore so quiet became my norm in and out of my house. I stopped speaking to most of my friends, no longer engaged in small talk around town and ceased making social plans.

When my divorce became public everyone around clammed up. The silence that surrounded me was deafening. I know it’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. I know you’re scared divorce could spread into your home. But silence stings and it lingers. It’s so much better to say something, anything, the wrong thing rather than nothing. Call and stick your foot in your mouth, I appreciate the effort. Email and tell me that you don’t know what to say but are thinking of me, I feel supported. Text “I’m sorry to hear of your divorce” or send an old-fashioned note or card in the mail offering words of regret, I thank you.

Unless you will never see each other ever again, hiding and waiting it out won’t work. Six months, one year, two years later, I had many run-ins with those who hid. Each a cringe worthy reunion filled with extra apologies to make up for the one “sorry” that never came. If you’ve known someone for 5, 10 15 years, if you’ve been in their home or see them often at yoga class or at school drop off, reach out. If you celebrated the beginning of the union don’t disappear when it crumbles, reach out. If your kids are friends or were on the same baseball team, if you’ve got a bunch of mutual friends and heard the news, if you’ve stood as bridesmaid or groomsman at the wedding, reach out.

You won’t regret saying something and those on the receiving end will always appreciate it no matter how fumbled the delivery.

Don’t Gossip

We all gossip, it’s bad, but especially so when someone has spilled secrets they’d never normally share-were they in their right mind. Ever run into a recently divorced friend or acquaintance and they blurt out something that leaves you thinking, “I can’t believe she just told me that.” Well, she didn’t mean to and when it dawns on her an hour later she’ll hang her head in shame. I equate the fog I was in immediately following my divorce with pregnancy brain. I just wasn’t all there. Past and current trauma, worries for my kids, combined with an uncertain future and a newfound freedom to speak overwhelmed and short wired my brain. Typically discreet and private with the details of my marriage as the ship went down, post divorce I often found myself blathering on about a situation I’d never normally discuss. Many a brunch with my girls involved my relationship as the main dish and much regret hours later as I rehashed our conversations. I still share, but now when I do it’s of sound mind and body. We should all keep what we’re told to ourselves, it’s hard and no one is perfect. But if someone is going through it and spills it, stick the heavy in your vault. Leave the gossip to the truly light, shallow and meaningless.

Include, Don’t Exclude

When you get divorced you lose your family unit, you lose time with your kids and you lose some friends along the way. Human connection can help ease the pain of this very lonely time so it’s unfortunate that becoming a single is the single best way to halt invitations. I know all about Noah’s Ark, two by two they went. I get it; pairs and even numbers are how it’s done. Adding a seat for one screws up your table setting and sets everything off kilter. What was once a fun night out or vacation with two couples sounds dreadful to your man who will be outnumbered in the absence of my ex. Make adjustments if that suits you, invite other couples to what used to be a party of four but as you include more don’t exclude your newly single friend. Holidays, tense for all can prove especially fraught in the land of divorce and shared custody. The first few years after my divorce I preferred to stay home in bed on those special days when my kids were with my ex. Traveling to my family to sit among everyone in their normal setting, when nothing in my life was normal, was more than I could handle. Luckily I had a friend locally invite me to her table. I accepted and while I am mostly back to my family gatherings I appreciated her invitation, one that still comes every year. Make sure the divorced in your group have somewhere to go on Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving, Christmas, Passover and the Fourth of July. Don’t forget your Labor Day Barbeque, Superbowl party and any other gathering in which you find yourself inviting a dozen of your crew. Feeling left out sucks and more so when you’ve just lost out on everything you built and planned for. I know it’s a pain-we were in your coupled file, now you have to move us to your single file and I’m asking that you keep us in the invitation file for both. I apologize for the extra paperwork but assure you on behalf of the divorced crew we appreciate your efforts.

Check In

There was a period of time after my divorce that I would wonder, what if something happens to me on a day my kids are with my ex and no one notices until a few days later when they come back and find me rotting on the stairs? My family is local and I’ve got a good group of friends but we’re all busy and consumed with our own lives and responsibilities. My response time to emails, texts and calls varies so there’s no reason anyone would worry if they hadn’t heard from me for a few days. Thus my recurring fear of rotting alone somewhere I had fallen and couldn’t get up. It’s obvious on February 14th to check in on a newly single friend. When your calendar reminds you of a friends anniversary the first year they’re divorced, that’s a clear prompt to call, text or email. It’s fairly likely on Valentines Day, anniversaries and birthdays that someone will offer up some attention to your friend that needs it. It’s the other 362 days a year that attention is sparse. Do what you can to regularly check in on that friend. Once a week say “hey,” if it’s a very close friend how about once a day? Not forever, just the first few critical months. After daily check ins as I settled into a new home, soon enough my bestie and I were back to our usual pattern of me calling and texting and her, taking her sweet, far too long in my opinion, time getting back to me.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-to-show-up-for-a-friend-going-through-a-divorce_us_592e1631e4b047e77e4c3f7e