I'm Divorcing: 5 Tips for Coordinating Family Vacations With Your Ex

With summer just around the corner, many families are looking forward to annual family vacations. A lot of effort and money goes into vacation planning. For divorcing or divorced parents, the possibility of a former spouse interfering with a planned vacation becomes yet another logistic to consider. Here are five tips for pleasant vacation planning.

Before you sign the custody agreement:

1. Set out clear holiday and vacation rules

People often spend months negotiating a fair child custody agreement, and some even resort to court-ordered custody agreements. Such custody orders typically include vacation and holiday time for both parents. But unless holiday and vacation rules are laid out clearly, planning a getaway with the kids can become a point of contention.

2. Clarify which weeks belong to each parent

Sometimes, like during spring break or Labor Day weekend, both parents may want to travel with the kids at the same time. Avoid this type of conflict by spelling out in a court order which weeks each party gets to spend with the kids. If you can’t sort out exact timing during the divorce, then at a minimum, include a provision in the custody order whereby one party gets its choice of vacation weeks in even years and the other party gets its choice in odd years.

3. Don’t agree to restricted travel

Parties can also agree, or a court may order, to restrict the right to travel with children beyond a certain mileage radius, outside a particular geographical area or outside the country. Some parents agree to these restrictions rather than fight them, but this is shortsighted.

Even if a party has no immediate plans to travel a significant distance, and even if both parties are unconcerned about the other party traveling long distances with the children, they need to consider that, in the future, traveling a greater distance may become important. At that point, they will not want to go back to court to modify an order to allow unrestricted travel.

When planning a vacation

4. Sign and notarize a travel consent form

Many people do not realize that the non-traveling parent can prevent the traveling parent from leaving the country with the children, dashing all hopes of that exotic Caribbean vacation. In order for children to be taken out of the country, not only do they need valid passports, but both custodial parties need to provide authorization. This often requires signing a parental consent form in the presence of a notary.

5. Require detailed travel and contact information

When traveling with children, even domestically, it’s helpful if the custody order stipulates that the traveling party must provide full information in advance of travel. This includes specific travel documentation, such as flight numbers, arrival times, departure times, hotel information and a contact number where the children can be reached for regular communication or in case of emergency.

Whatever the vacation provisions, remember that kids enjoy travel time with their parents. Preventing the children from enjoying this time in order to exact revenge on a former spouse by making life difficult for them will only hurt the kids in the end.

Source: https://www.parentmap.com/article/divorce-coparenting-family-vacation-ex

How To Take The “Ba-Humbug” Out Of Your First Post-Divorce Christmas

My ex and I separated in January which left me the entire year to worry about what the Christmas season would mean for our children and me. I’m a lover of all things Christmas, the decorating, the food and getting together with family and friends. The holidays had always been a time of celebration and family in our home.

What the hell would that first Christmas be like as a divorced, single mom who was feeling anything but the holiday “spirit?”

If you are divorced Christmas may be a corner you aren’t looking forward to turning. Most people happily anticipate the holiday season but for some it is a period of loneliness, isolation, depression, conflict over visitation schedules and more time thinking about an ex you don’t want to think about.

And, that is OK; it is alright to have all the feelings above and then some. I promise, you are not alone, there are many out there dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that comes along with it. Don’t get me wrong though, just because it is OK to feel sad is no reason to wallow in the sadness.

If there is ever a time of year to put aside life’s stress it is during the holiday season. How do you get yourself out of your funk? One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than festive.

It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.

You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t feeling the holiday season is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoy the holidays.

Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you feel a bit more of the holiday spirit.

4 Tips To Help You Survive Your First Post-Divorce Christmas:

1. Don’t wait until the last minute to set up the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Get all those plans made by the end of October. Set them in stone! Know when, where and who your children will be with for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then put that stress aside. Get it taken care of then let it go.

2. Don’t participate in any holiday activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!

3. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through the holiday season. Spend time with people who are invested in helping your get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.

4. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time.

Being alone for the holidays doesn’t mean you can’t hang some ornaments on a tree. Or decorate the mantle. You don’t have to go all out and deck every hall but bringing out reminders of the fact that it is a “time to be jolly” will be doing yourself a favour.

I purchased scented candles and the holiday scents waffled through the house. I baked Snicker Doodles, took a bubble bath while listening to Emmylou Harris’s “Light of the Stable.” I then watched chick flicks from a bed with clean, crisp sheets and a plate of cookies and a glass of eggnog on the night stand. I missed my children but I took the opportunity to give myself the gift of relaxation and pampering instead of ruminating over the fact I was alone and not doing exactly what I wanted to do.

Stress and negative feelings during the holidays can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When the holidays finally arrive, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else, and relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. And whether you feel like it or not, you do have the ability to enjoy the holidays regardless of your situation.

Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/how-to-take-the-bahumbug-out-of-your-first-postdivorce-christmas/

He’s making a list, checking it twice

I love Christmas time. It’s the most wonderful time of the year (if the song is to be believed).

Once Halloween has passed and the supermarket displays of mince pies, sherry and tinsel start to seem less-ironic and vaguely seasonal I feel justified in allowing myself to enjoy the run up to it. I get excited, I daydream and I anticipate.

I’ve been the same all my life. As a child, the countdown was marked with an advent calendar (which to the shock of my kids didn’t used to feature a nugget of chocolate behind every door, but instead a small festive picture; a robin, a sprig of holly or perhaps a scene from the nativity to mark each passing day; very low-key). Not content with the calendar I would re-read festive books and re-watch favourite Christmas TV series’ and movies; with the skills of a marketing genius I would build myself into a frothing frenzy of festive anticipation by the time Christmas day came around.

I may have matured a little to the extent that I’m able to sleep uninterrupted on Christmas Eve without listening for sleigh bells, but it hasn’t stopped me from feeling the joy of the anticipation. If anything, the sensation is heightened now. I’ve compounded it too by banning from the house all decorations, Christmas movies and music and the consumption of mince pies and mulled wine until December 1st or later. It’s not a standpoint that has won me many fans, but my motives are positive; I want to maintain a sense of perspective, to reinforce for my nearest and dearest that if we’re truly going to enjoy the end-of-year festivities and celebrate for a few days by exchanging gifts and overeating and drinking, then surely we can confine the joy and the anticipation to just one month of the year? Better to make it one good month than a tedious two?

At risk of this descending into a ‘things aren’t the same as they used to be’ piece, I wanted to get the above disclaimer in to ensure that you don’t think of me as someone who can’t feel festive delight or revel in the anticipation of something just as much (if not more than) the event itself. Scrooge, I am not.

What I’ve been reflecting on since the Christmas season arrived, is prompted in observing the annual ritual of my kids preparing their Christmas lists.

When I was a child (there’s the statement you were no doubt expecting) I recall the challenges of compiling my Christmas list of gifts I hoped to receive. Writing it down made sure there could be no misinterpretation, and thanks to my parents who seemed helpfully to have a fast-track in getting it sent to the North Pole, ensured that at least some of the items would appear beneath the tree on Christmas morning.

As a kid, I wasn’t so much focussed on the season of good cheer, but more on the opportunity to get some new toys or to push the boundaries of my material life, to request some coveted item that would bring new meaning to my life. I can’t remember a single Christmas spent feeling anything other than delighted with the gifts I received, surrounded by love and festive joy; for that reason and many others I feel blessed for my childhood and upbringing.

As my reminiscences become wistful and my hindsight more rose-tinted it strikes me just how much the very act of preparing a Christmas list has changed. As a child, with the advent of the Internet being at least 30 years away my research was confined to toy commercials on TV, items I may have spotted in a shop or occasionally from flicking through a home-shopping catalogue. There was a logistical limit around my expectations, and on what my parents (sorry, Santa) might provide me with. It was assumed that what I wanted was available from a shop somewhere in a town near me. At a stretch, it might be something available from a shop in London (in my juvenile mind, a mysterious and wonderful place where shop shelves groaned under the weight of exotic toys the likes of which I could only dream).

Today the assumption is that pretty much any product, be that a toy, article of clothing or item of technology can be obtained for the right price and within little more than a few days priority shipping from anywhere in the world thanks to the web. Therein lays the quandary for the accommodating parent who is hoping to keep their kids’ feet on the ground when it comes to composing their list. The only limit is that enforced by the parents and their budget, and I believe the kids know and believe this too even if their belief in Santa remains intact.

I recall a particularly landmark year for my eldest daughter. She’d turned 12 or 13 that year and as Christmas loomed it was clear that she knew exactly what she wanted and expected. For context, she’s a hard worker and academically astute but like most teens, prone to taking the path of least resistance when it comes to school work. Contrast this work ethic with the time that had been devoted to writing the Christmas list that was presented to me and other members of the family and it was obvious where her priorities lay.

The list itself was truly a thing of beauty, and no small miracle of desktop publishing; A single side of A4 paper, it detailed desired items (ranging as I recall from a very specific tweed jacket through to a number of high-end make-up products) with a list of retail stockists and their web addresses, current prices and even a ranking system to ensure we understood her priorities. The finished article was rolled up like a University Diploma, and tied with string in an ornate bow. She’d even gone as far as holding initial briefing calls with her grandparents, aunts and her mother to ensure they were agreed on what each was expected to buy for her.

The arrival of the list elicited mixed emotions; I’ve still got my copy in a file-box as I want to reminisce over it in years to come alongside finger-paintings and past-school reports with a sense of nostalgic amusement. There was also a sense of slight despair though when we considered how our baby could have become so materialistic and fixated on organised material gain. The spirit of Christmas had well and truly evaporated.

As with most kids these days it was apparent just how materially focussed she had become. Far from criticising her for this (for she is a product of the world she lives in and the parenting she has received from us) I now see the same traits emerging in her younger sisters and brother (now aged 13, 11 and 8).

One evening this week, child number three (the 11 year old boy) undertook 10 minutes of maths homework with begrudging-resistance, his mantra being to get the bare-minimum done in the least time required to the lowest acceptable standard. Following this, he applied himself to a diligent hour and a half on an iPad researching and then documenting his Christmas list (the third draft) and annotating and cross-referencing the already comprehensive notes prepared the previous evening. If the work ethic applied to the two tasks were reversed I’m confident that he’d be graduating from Harvard within 5 years.

I’ll confess at this point that the rest of this article in its first draft descended into a rant over the challenge of combatting materialism in kids and how Christmas plays-to and encourages this trait. The article also reflected on the year-round frustrations I feel as a parent in response to the relative efforts my kids will apply towards the tasks that they want to do in comparison to those (e.g. homework) that they have to do.

It is somewhat ironic then that it was during a bit of lunchtime Christmas shopping today, listening to the excellent audio book ‘The Values Factor” by Dr John DeMartini that an alternative angle to this topic crystallized in my mind.

Undoubtedly modern life encourages greater consumerism in our kids who are able to identify absolutely any material product that exists in the world and which they could conceivably want. They also know that with the money and a short wait it can be theirs. I believe that social media and the cult of celebrity also tend to instil the belief that anyone can have anything they want, and no substitute should be accepted. This trait is simply a reality of modern life and it is down to the individual parent to find their own balance between giving their children the things they are able to and want to whilst (hopefully) also ensuring that the kids don’t develop a sense of entitlement or a failure to appreciate the value of things in the process.

As far as my other frustration, well when did any kid ever get on and do their homework willingly and voluntarily when faced with a choice between that and something they really want to do?

The key factor is the relationship between the task at hand and, in Dr DeMartini’s words, the child’s own higher-values. The simple and obvious aspect in each of the two scenarios that I described earlier is that my kids were doing more than just reacting to an inherent desire to accumulate more and add to their armoury of material possessions. Sure, they are kids and are allowed to be excited about Christmas and the prospect of asking Santa for new things. In each example however, they were both demonstrating this desire but in a way that brought out their passion, their values, and emphasizing and honing skills that I am sure will one day become a large part of their identities, their adult lives and their work.

In the case of my daughter, she was using her passion and skill as an artist to create a list that was not only filled with facts and information to convey her wishes, but that was also visually appealing and tastefully presented. Over-engineered certainly, but pretty, nonetheless. She is now an arts student at college and I’m sure that whatever she does in adult life, she will always tend towards the visual and the aesthetic in whatever work she produces, especially when trying to convey a subject or relay content that she is passionate about.

In the case of my son, he has a keen mind for detail and an encyclopaedic knowledge on topics that fire his imagination. He may not leap with joy at the sight of a sheet of mathematics problems, but he can relay details of the 2015/16 Manchester United Football season (and the one before it) to an impressive level of detail and he can identify and recall the key skills and signature moves of hundreds of superheroes at will. In researching the content of his Christmas list to the level of detail that he did, he was demonstrating diligence and an attention to detail on topics that align to his higher values and interests that I’m sure will serve him well in life and his career. Similarly, his skills in employing modern technology to collate his list with zero assistance and supreme focus demonstrate just how seamlessly technology and its use is embedded in him and how he thinks.

As with many things I’ve learned (and continue to learn) as a parent, it’s very easy to jump to conclusions when your child does (or doesn’t do) something. Understanding the cause doesn’t always excuse the action (or effect) but at least it can help offer an alternative perspective and aid your understanding. In some instances, like the above, it can also help you recognise the positive traits and behaviours arising from the situation which are to be encouraged, not quashed. In turn, that can help you to plan future strategies so that when you are next confronted with a similar challenge you can adapt your behaviour or expectations rather than blindly hoping for something different. That is my lesson learned for today.

I have numerous memories of Christmases past, and many that are no doubt artificially vivid thanks to oft-viewed family photos. One such memory (and possibly representing my best ever Christmas present) was of a Cowboy dressing-up costume comprising a fringed trouser and waistcoat combo made by my Mum and a Leather pistol holster crafted by my Dad. At the age of about 5, the photo of me and my sister that Christmas morning (she wearing the nurses outfit with similar home-made provenance) epitomises to me the sentiment that I want to recapture for my kids in giving them memorable Christmases for years to come.

That isn’t to say that I’ll be ignoring the lists they’ve all so diligently crafted and eschewing the crowds heading out to Black Friday sales in the pre-Christmas shopping frenzy, in favour of hand-made gifts. Or maybe I will, after all there’s that other adage about gifts and giving;

“It’s the thought that counts!”

Toby Hazlewood

Divorce is seasonal, peaks following family vacations

University of Washington sociologists find - from biannual patterns of filings for divorce - that divorce is seasonal during the periods following winter and summer vacations.

Divorce appears to peak during the times following winter and summer vacations.

Associate sociology Prof. Julie Brines and doctoral candidate Brian Serafini presented the findings at theAnnual Meeting of the American Sociological Association in Seattle, WA.

The results of the research suggest that divorce filings could be driven by a "domestic ritual" calendar governing family behavior.

The team found that divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March - times that follow winter and summer holidays.

Prof. Brines mentions that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships, and they might believe that if they have a happy Christmas or a successful camping trip, everything will be "fixed" and their lives will improve.

However, in reality, those periods of the year can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many, and they may expose cracks in a marriage. The seasonal nature of divorce filings may reflect the disillusionment unhappy spouses experience when vacation time does not live up to their high expectation, the research team points out.

New school year may influence divorce month in couples with children

"People tend to face the holidays with rising expectations, despite what disappointments they might have had in years past," says Prof. Brines.

"They represent periods in the year when there's the anticipation or the opportunity for a new beginning, a new start, something different, a transition into a new period of life. It's like an optimism cycle, in a sense. They're very symbolically charged moments in time for the culture," she adds.

Couples may make a conscious decision to file for divorce in August, following the family vacation, and before the kids start back at school. Prof. Brines and colleagues examined the reason for the divorce spike in March. Given that March is a few months after the winter holidays, is there still a connection between divorce and vacations?

Prof. Brines suggests that while considerations for divorce are the same during both peak periods - sorting finances, finding an attorney, summoning the courage to go ahead - the start of the school year may hasten decisions for couples with children in August.

The divorce peak in March could also be influenced by the trend of a rise in suicides in spring. Experts also indicate that the extra daylight and increased activity during that time of year elevates mood enough to motivate people to act.

Pattern of divorce was tied to family holiday periods

Prof. Brines and Serafini were initially investigating the effects of the recession - observing rising unemployment rates and declining house values - on marital stability.

While examining divorce filing throughout Washington, the team noticed monthly variations with the pattern of heightened filings emerging in March and August. "It was very robust from year to year, and very robust across counties," Prof. Brines explains.

After accounting for other seasonal factors, including the housing market and unemployment, the pattern remained.

The team hypothesized that if the pattern was tied to family holidays, other court actions involving families - such as guardianship rulings - should show a similar trend, which proved correct.

During the recession, patterns had a slight shift, with a peak earlier and later in the year and more unpredictability in trends. Prof. Brines notes that this trend disruption is unsurprising given the uncertainty around financial considerations, such as housing values and employment. However, the pattern shift during the recession was not statistically significant.
Seasonal divorce persisted in states with simpler divorce processes

Two of the 39 counties in Washington were excluded - Lincoln and Wahkiakum - as they are among the few places nationwide to allow divorce to proceed via mail without a necessary court appearance.

Anyone in Washington can file for divorce in Lincoln and Wahkiakum, and given the simpler divorce procedure, the researchers expected the results to be skewed by including these two counties.

However, while examining Lincoln County - which has accepted divorce by mail since 2001 - they found the pattern was the same as the rest of the state, although more pronounced.

"That leads me to think that it takes some time emotionally for people to take this step. Filing for divorce, whether you do it by mail or appear in court, is a big step."
Prof. Julie Brines

Future research will examine if the trends noticed in Washington also apply to other states. Prof. Brines and Serafini have already analyzed data for Ohio, Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona - states that have similar laws to Washington but have different demographics and economic conditions.

During the recession, Florida and Arizona were hit hard by the real estate collapse, and Ohio had above average unemployment rates. Despite those differences, the seasonal divorce peaks persisted.

"What I can tell you is that the seasonal pattern of divorce filings is more or less the same," Prof. Brines concludes.

Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/312444.php

Developing Co-parenting Plans for the Holidays

The organisation of parenting schedules during family vacations and festivities.

Parenting after divorce presents special challenges and complications during holiday periods. This is no surprise, given that holidays can be challenging even for two-parent co-resident families, with additional commitments and obligations, figuring out holiday plans, blending traditions and deciding where festivities will be held. These can be stressful periods for separated families, and there is a lot to figure out. Yet especially during the holiday season, mothers and fathers must do all they can to put aside their differences and allow their children as much parenting time as possible, for the good of all. Particularly for children, spending time with extended family members on both sides is very important, and they should be allowed to enjoy a stress- and drama-free holiday with both mom and her family, as well as dad and his family.

Because the added stress of holiday periods can lead to heightened conflict between divorced parents, it is especially important that parents make a concerted effort to cooperate for their children’s sake. It is not an easy task to make the holidays go smoothly. It is important to think in advance about some of the issues parents may face:

Dealing with Grief and Loss: The first set of holidays following a divorce is likely to be the most difficult because the parents are still figuring out what works, and what doesn’t, in terms of co-parenting. In addition, changes to and the loss of shared family customs, and the creation of new traditions, will elicit difficult feelings for all family members. Even if the divorce occurred earlier in the year and there has been ample time to deal with it, the first set of holidays are still going to present challenges. There is a grieving period that comes with the first holidays following a divorce, with the realization that things are no longer going to be the same. The first holiday season in particular typically tends to be a very difficult time for everyone in the family. While the children often have the most difficult time adjusting, the entire family is dealing with a sense of loss. Yet even though the parents are likely dealing with plenty of their own issues, the holidays are a time when it becomes more important than ever to attempt civility. This is particularly important because children are more sensitive around the holidays, because of the increased focus on traditional family events with the idea of everyone coming together to celebrate. The cultural belief of families coming together at such times is what causes children and parents to feel an acute sense of grief during the holidays, and to feel lost and displaced. It is vital that parents recognize that the priority should be on the needs of the child.

Making Decisions: There are numerous decisions that need to be made in terms of celebrating the holidays under the new circumstances of parental separation. How will the time be split? What traditions will continue and what new rituals need to be established? When divorced parents have unequal financial arrangements, finances may arise as an issue, as some challenging situations, such as one parent trying to outdo the other, may arise. Equity is important for children; there may be an agreed upon spending limit or parents may make an attempt to still give joint gifts. The gifts being purchased also need to be discussed so that the child isn’t receiving duplicate gifts. All of this requires communication and planning. The holidays may provide a critical opportunity for divorced parents to start learning to communicate more effectively in the interests of their children, and setting the tone for compromising and making joint decisions.

Negotiating Changes: With divorce comes change, and both parents and children struggle with the process of accepting that change. A large part of that may be developing new rituals and traditions around the holidays. Many parents have an open conversation with their children about which rituals are most important to them and how they are to be retained, with or without the other parent. In some cases parents try to avoid getting hung up on established traditions and focus more on creating a holiday that brings their children joy. Holidays after divorce do not have to follow the patterns of previous holidays, or conform to preconceived ideas about holiday traditions. They may involve children in entirely new activities. It is not always easy to move on from old traditions, as parents think, "This is how we used to do it." In moving forward with new plans, parents become role models for handling change for their children. Parents can also view new arrangements as a bonding opportunity as they create their own new traditions with their children. Many parents keep some of the very meaningful past traditions but also create new ones.

Spending Time Together: I recall my son's delight during the first summer holiday after my divorce when his mother and I spent an afternoon enjoying a game of badminton, after a difficult period of estrangement. Another one of the bigger decisions to be made during the holidays is the idea of divorced parents sharing some of the holiday time and traditions. There are potentially serious drawbacks to such sharing, but the potential benefits to children cannot be ignored. However, parents need to put serious thought into whether they can handle spending time together without any major tension or fights, and it is also important to have an up-front conversation with the children to ensure they are not given a false sense of hope. Children will enjoy an opportunity for time and traditions shared simultaneously with both parents, but need to understand that parents spending time together during a family event does not mean they are getting back together. A time frame on time together will lessen the likelihood of children assuming that parents are getting back together. It is also important that parents consider any extended family who may be present. For some families, extended family members may be the ones who cause tension. If grandparents on either side are going to be less than civil toward the ex, then problems will arise. Parents need to set the agenda and the tone in advance for how events involving extended family members are going to take place.

A well-designed co-parenting plan should spell out in some details the specifics of time arrangements during holidays, vacations and special festivities, with the particular needs of children considered in the first instance. Agreements with respect to parental communication, decision-making, accommodating changes, and spending time separately and together are essential to pre-empting tensions and crises during what is a special and sacred time for children and parents. Children will thrive when spending time with both parents and extended families, especially during the holidays. Keeping in mind the special challenges of co-parenting during family vacations and festivities is an important measure to allow them to do so during these special occasions.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201512/developing-co-parenting-plans-the-holidays

Putting Children First: The Best Gift Divorced Parents Can Give Their Children This Holiday Season

Holidays can be stressful for everyone, but for children of divorced or separated parents, the holidays can be especially challenging. Despite this reality, divorced parents (as well as parents that are separated and considering divorce) can ease the tension, maintain their sanity and grace and create happy holiday memories for their children and themselves for years to come. The opportunity to create a positive out of what is often viewed as a negative depends on the divorced parents’ ability to plan ahead and the level of conflict between them. Where parental or custodial conflict exists, courts — as opposed to the parents — often end up deciding how children will spend their holidays. However, there are many ways divorced or separated parents can handle custody during the holidays.

Some parents will alternate each holiday on an annual basis. In this scenario, one parent may have certain holidays in even numbered years and the other parent will have the same holidays in odd numbered years or vice versa. One drawback to alternating holidays annually is that one parent will have to face the disappointment of not being with his or her children every holiday each year. In order to try and soften the impact of this loss, divorced parents should plan ahead for the absence their children during the holidays by making alternate plans with their extended families or loved ones, planning to be away or scheduling events to soften the blow of not being with your children on these special occasions. All of these diversions may help maintain the non-custodial parent’s emotional state and health during these times.

Other divorced or separated parents may choose to equally split the hours of the day on each holiday. This method allows both parents to have time with their children on each holiday annually. However, depending on the child or children, this can be stressful for them, as it may lead to a hectic schedule on what should be a care free and joy filled time. In addition, equally splitting the holidays on an annual basis means increasing the number and frequency of transitions for the kids as well as increasing the parents’ interactions, which can often lead to disagreements or added stress to an already chaotic holiday season. If there is ongoing conflict or even a likelihood for conflict, equally splitting the holidays each year may not be the best option for children during holidays.

Before deciding to split the holidays equally on an annual basis or alternating which parent has custody of the children, divorced parents should consider if there is increased “chaos” for their children and select a schedule that will best suit their child or children’s personality.
An alternative to equally splitting the holidays on an annual basis is for one parent to arrange a family dinner on the weekend immediately before or following the holiday. For example, if a dad’s extended family lives out of town, Thanksgiving could be spent with mom, and dad could celebrate a Thanksgiving holiday meal the weekend following Thanksgiving. The key to successful holiday scheduling for divorced and separated parents is to plan in advance, to maintain a consistent level of flexibility and cooperation while consistently considering the least disruptive schedule for their children.

As unconventional as it may sound, some divorced or separated parents may consider celebrating part of the holidays together with their children. In even rarer situations, parents may agree to celebrate the holidays with their children and their extended families — made up of both divorced parents and their former in-law families all together. People are often shocked when they hear that divorced families celebrate holidays together as they did when they were married and living together. This arrangement occurs in the minority of divorced families and usually only works in families where the divorced parents are cooperative and high functioning in co-parenting their children. To break bread and manage to sit at the dinner table with your former spouse and his or her extended family members truly requires that parents be “grown ups,” perhaps bite their tongues a bit and rise above the problems of their prior marriage. Divorced or separated parents that are able to celebrate holidays together as they did when they lived together as an intact family must be extremely “child-focused.” If there is the slightest chance for conflict between the parents or extended family members, opt for a different holiday custodial arrangement. There is nothing worse than spoiling a holiday or other celebratory time in a child’s life than participating in conflict, hostility and unnecessary drama. The last thing any parent wants to do is create a holiday memory filled with angst or argument as it will create a lasting impression for the children. For those parents that can agree to share the holidays, they should ensure that their children understand that mom and dad are just together to celebrate the holiday as a family, and it doesn’t mean that the parents are reconciling.

Finally, there are some divorced parents that are unable to be with their child or children at all during the holidays. In these situations, the absent parent may consider making an audio or video tape for the child or children to play during their absence or, with technology, the unavailable parent may schedule to speak by telephone or Skype. Some psychologists suggest that, with younger children, the absent parent make a video or audio reading of a holiday book or send a special video message to the child or children to fill the void of that parent’s absence.

The most important thing for divorced parents to remember is that the holidays are about their children, not them. Even if you are unable to be with your children during a holiday, encourage them to enjoy themselves with the other parent and their extended family. Try to embrace the spirit of the holiday season, let go of anger and be thankful for what you have versus what you have lost.

If there was an 11th hour holiday schedule negotiation last year and no ongoing holiday schedule for this year, set up a holiday schedule now. The best practice is to communicate with the other parent by email or text. Be sure to include specific details about when the holiday period begins and ends, where the custodial exchanges will take place, who is responsible for handling the exchange and be sure to pack any special clothing items the children may need to celebrate the holiday at issue. Ensuring that your children feel secure (as opposed to disappointed) far exceeds the pain of a brief conversation with the other parent. Better yet, write an objective business-like email to iron out holidays plans as far in advance as possible. In addition, plan in advance with your extended family and don’t be afraid to ask for their understanding and help if your custody holiday schedule does not match their expectations of the holidays. Uncertainty breeds anxiety. Divorced families can enjoy holidays in the same way that intact families do — perhaps even with a little less drama. Everyone will be happier knowing what to expect and avoiding conflict on the eve of the holidays will give both parents the ability to carry on traditions and create new ones, which will remain with their children for a lifetime. What better gift could a parent give?

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randi-l-rubin/putting-children-first-th_b_2101588.html