So you and your ex have decided to split, perhaps your ex dumped you and you’re hurting. Or your ex made you so miserable that you dumped them. Either way the relationship is over and you’re getting divorced. Emotions are going to be bouncing off the walls; anger, sadness frustration, perhaps elation. You name it, you will experience them all.
And then comes the Divorce and financial settlement. There are several ways you can handle your divorce legally; mediation, arbitration or litigation but in emotional terms you can do it calmly, sensibly or with a fight. Now you may be the most reasonable person on the planet and your Ex could be a total arse, so you won’t have complete control of it being all “happy-clappy” but you do have the control of how you conduct yourself through a Divorce. Unless you are an experienced divorce lawyer or a serial divorcee, the whole process may seem incredibly daunting and the approach you take will be guided by your lawyer. If your lawyer has an aggressive style, then hold on to your hats because it will be an all-out war. Often people mistake an aggressive style for being more effective but this just simply is not true. Anything that holds both you and your ex in the ‘Anger’ zone will just cost more money and more pain. So when you pick your lawyer, make sure you are picking someone who is a good reflection of your personality. If you want to Divorce with Dignity, then get yourself someone with a dignified approach. Even with the best lawyer on your side, you will undoubtedly want to take some pot-shots at your Ex. Perhaps he never put his dishes in the dishwasher or she was too busy on the phone to her friends and you just want to make the point One-Last-Time. But think about it this way, what is that actually going to achieve? • Are you hoping that they will finally realise what you have been saying all along and roll around on the floor begging for forgiveness? If they haven’t understood that throughout the relationship, then they sure as hell won’t understand it now. • Are you even trying to save the relationship by getting them to see the error of their ways? Let’s be real, hurting someone has never been the way of winning someone over. • Are you wanting some acknowledgement of your hurt? Then I get that, but then you also have to also accept that your Ex is hurting too and you are a part of their pain. You are going to need to acknowledge their hurt as well. The hardest part of letting go of a relationship is actually accepting that you had a part to play in the demise of it. This may seem like a really difficult thing to do if you are in the early stages of a break up but it will be the most freeing thing you will do to move on. Throwing daggers is actually just an expression of your hurt; trying to convey how you feel. And the more you keep doing it, the longer the relationship will take to get over. Feelings and thoughts form an attachment, so the longer you have feelings (even anger or hate) the longer you remain emotionally attached to that person. The sooner you stop throwing daggers at your Ex, the quicker the pain will be over. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/adele-mccormack/divorce-with-dignity_b_9774360.html
During divorce, we all need to surround ourselves with people who can be helpful during every step of the divorce process. There will be a need for friends to vent to, a counselor to give guidance, a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights and based on your situation many others. Below is a discussion of who you will want and maybe even need on your divorce team. If it’s possible you should have a list of people you want on your team before the divorce process even begins.
4 People You’ll Definitely Need on Your Divorce Team
1. Friends and Family You’ll need friends and family who’ll be supportive of what is right for you and your family. Pick them carefully! Choose to confide in and seek support from friends and family who help you grieve the end of your marriage and focus on your future. Distance yourself from friends and family who encourage angry feelings or tell you to “take him for all you can get.” This is not the attitude you need to expose yourself to during a highly emotionally charged time in your life. Surround yourself with those who offer you, love, help when you are in need help and take your best interest into account at all times.
2. A Good Mediator There are different types of mediators and, if you get lucky and can choose your own, you want one that fits your situation. Are you uncomfortable being in the same room with your spouse? Then, find a mediator who can negotiate your divorce settlement without the need for both spouses to be in the same room.
A mediator is going to help you settle the most important aspects of your divorce. It’s imperative that you work with one you trust and have faith in to be fair to all concerned. 3. A Divorce Lawyer You will want a divorce lawyer who is going to look at your divorce case from the big picture while giving you the legal advice you need to ensure you have weighed the pros and cons of every choice you make during your divorce.
You want a divorce lawyer who responds to your questions, can keep you knowledgeable about your rights based on your state's divorce laws and will advocate for you and your needs during your divorce.
4. Counselor or Divorce Coach Having someone on your divorce team to support your emotional transition can make a difference in how long you are stuck in negative emotions due to your divorce. Everyone goes through a transition after divorce. Navigating this transition involves working your way through feelings of shock, anger, grief, resistance to change, and commitment to a new post-divorce life.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen people who are stuck in anger for decades after a divorce, and unable to move on and rebuild a productive life or find a new partner. Having a divorce team member that is licensed and trained to help you work through your negative emotions and toward healing is probably the most valuable asset you will have during divorce.
Every divorce situation is different. Some people divorce after a short marriage with few assets to divide. Some divorce after decades of marriage with children to consider, major assets to divide and complicated issues to be dealt with. The more complicated your divorce, the more people you will need on your divorce team.
Below are others you will want to consider adding to your divorce team if you own a business with your spouse, have great financial interests to consider or feel your needs are more complex than the average divorcing couple. Accountant Financial Advisor Real Estate Agent Mortgage Broker Estate Planning Attorney Once your divorce attorney has become familiar with your case they will be able to help you determine whether or not you need to add those above to your divorce team.
Going through a divorce is one of the top three stress-producing experiences you can go through. Surrounding yourself with the proper divorce team members will alleviate a large amount of stress and leave you to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. Source: https://www.liveabout.com/who-do-you-need-on-your-divorce-team-4128815
Bypass the destructive effect divorce can have on a family, and move into the new territory of mediation and co-parenting.
“Our conventional way of handling divorce is for the parties to engage lawyers whose expertise is limited to the legal matters,” points out Nina Mensing, a counsellor and FAMAC accredited mediator who specialises in family matters.
“Without help, guidance and support around all the other powerful aspects of divorce, it’s no wonder that it so often results in a bitter and traumatic fall-out impacting over the long-term not just on adults, but on children too.” There’s growing awareness that there are significant benefits to doing divorce differently, and this is becoming more of an imperative if there are children in the family.
Research shows that respondents who went through mediated divorces reported less conflict in co-parenting a year after the divorce, whereas parents who had litigated divorces reported an increase in conflict (Sbarra & Emery, 2008).
“Mediation is based on a model of co-operative dispute settlement,” explains Nina, “The process aims to prevent the escalation of conflict between the parties, which is so easily fuelled by litigation.
"This is vital when there are children involved. In any divorce involving children, the relationship between the parents has to be maintained at a mature and suitable level so that they are capable of co-parenting effectively.”
Your child comes first
You can be a happy divorced family
When parents divorce
Nina's 10 steps to doing divorce differently: 1. Make an informed decision, and be sure that divorce is the way forward
If divorce is presented as an option, it is important that both parties are well-informed about what lies up ahead before this decision is actually made. Reactive decision-making can have long-term negative effects on all involved.
It is important to know and understand all the different impacts and implications involved in a divorce, from the legal and financial ramifications to the practicalities of co-parenting and the effects of the identity shifts.
It gives both parties a sense of control over the process if they’ve done research, gone to counselling and experienced divorce coaching before they reach a decision to divorce. 2. Get the professional help you need Divorce is an arduous process that can push the limits of our usual support networks. Each party needs to take responsibility for managing their emotions, expectations and the stress.
Going for individual counselling or coaching allows you to tap into a robust resource of independent, professional advice and support. 3. Get your finances in order Make sure you understand your financial situation before discussing how to split your finances. 4. Empower yourself Learn about the process. Learn about the law. Learn about what would be best for your situation and your family. You don’t need others telling you what you should be doing – this is your life and your family.
Don’t let others make decisions for you. Learn from others, get support from others, but make your own decisions. 5. Do not discuss adult subjects with your children First and foremost is to not talk negatively about the other parent.
Children like to know what is happening in their lives. Allow them to ask questions, tell them what is going on, but do not go into details or blame the other parent for anything.
Be the adult, and let the children be children. Learn about how to co-parent effectively. 6. Stop defending yourself
Attacking and defending plays into the game of litigation, and is a never-ending cycle. De-escalate the conflict by not attacking and not defending – except in the case of abuse. If the marriage is abusive then go through the correct procedures to ensure your safety, emotionally and physically. 7. Work with a financial planner
Do this together for the sake of the children, and also individually. 8. Go to mediation An accredited mediator will facilitate the process in a collaborative manner, always with the children’s best interests as the focus. Ongoing communication during mediation allows for more effective co-parenting during this difficult time. 9. After mediation, get independent legal advice before signing The mediation process will result in the drafting of a negotiated divorce agreement. Go back to mediation if advised by your lawyer that the agreement is not fair. Starting a litigation process (suing the other person) at any point will escalate the conflict, which will have an adverse effect on the children.
10. Remember that every decision that is made, and every action and reaction between the two of you, will affect the children It’s easy to fall into a mode where it feels like the divorce is all happening to you. But divorce is never about an individual, it is a family process.
Think always about the children’s best interests – some times that means backing down and lessening the conflict rather than having full control over every situation.
Don’t win the battle to lose the war. Our children learn from us, and will learn how to handle conflict the way we do. Teach them that one can collaborate, and despite the marriage breaking down, that the two of you can still be parents together for their sake. “It is important to re-frame the way we have always looked at divorce,” concludes Nina, “Divorce does not break families up; it recreates new types of families.
Great emotion and some difficulty is to be expected. A friend of mine told me last week that his marriage of 12 years was ending in divorce. I was quite surprised, as his marriage looked like one that was healthy, happy, and successful. He and his wife had the nice house, the three children, and the vacations to exotic places. He had a stable and high paying job, and his wife wore the nicest of clothing.
Yet, like so many marriages, his one was not as healthy and as happy as it appeared on the surface.
According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, the divorce rate in America has decreased the past few years, with a rate of 16.9 out of every 1,000 marriages ending in divorce. Yet, despite the fact that the divorce rate has decreased in the United States, it still happens, and marriages do end. For those children who are caught in the middle of a divorce, their young lives are forever changed; forever altered. Indeed, it is often that the children suffer the most when their parents chose divorce. Research points out that children from divorced families many times suffer academically, with lower grades in school. Furthermore, studies also indicate that children from divorced families are more likely to engage in drugs and early alcohol use.
Many times, parents in the midst of a divorce turn to mediation as a means to settling differences with a third party when the couple is unable to do so by themselves. Certainly, there are times when a divorce mediator might be necessary, for all involved. Yet, it is not always the solution. To be sure, there are times when it might not be necessary to hire a mediator. Mediators do not necessarily look out for the best interest of those who hired them, as the mediator’s job is to act as a neutral third party. Along with that, mediation can be costly, and does not guarantee that your problems and challenges will be relieved, or that the case will be settled. As noted earlier, the divorce rate in our nation has decreased, yet divorce is still a reality, both for parents and children alike. A reality that is, for so many families, one that is filled with great emotion and with difficulty. Source: https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/what-to-consider-during-a-divorce-bbab/
No two marriages are the same, and so it only follows that no two divorces will be the same, either.
In fact, if you’re a woman who’s contemplating divorce, you have several options about how to proceed. In general terms, you need to consider four broad categories of divorce alternatives: Do-It-Yourself (DIY), Mediation, Collaborative and Litigation. Let’s take a look at the pros and cons of each one.
Do-It-Yourself Divorce
The best advice I can give you about Do-It-Yourself Divorce, is DON’TDo-It-Yourself! Divorce is very complicated, both legally and financially. You can easily make mistakes, and often those mistakes are irreversible. The only scenario I can envision when a Do-It-Yourself divorce may make any possible sense, might be in a case where the marriage lasted only two or three years and there are no children, little or no assets/debts to be divided, comparable incomes and no alimony. In a case like that, a Do-It-Yourself divorce could be accomplished quite quickly and inexpensively. Nevertheless, I would still highly recommend that each party have their own separate attorney review the final documents.
Mediation
In divorce mediation, a divorcing couple works with a neutral mediator who helps both parties come to an agreement on all aspects of their divorce. The mediator may or may not be a lawyer, but he/she must be extremely well-versed in divorce and family law. In addition, it is critical for the mediator to be neutral and not advocate for either party. Both parties still need to consult with their own, individual attorneys during the mediation and prior to signing the final divorce settlement agreement. Here are a few pros and cons to consider before deciding if mediation will work for you. On the “pro” side, divorce mediation may:
Result in a better long-term relationship with your ex-husband since you will not “fight” in court.
Be easier on children since the divorce proceedings may be more peaceful.
Expedite an agreement.
Reduce expenses.
Help you stay in control of your divorce because you are making the decisions (and the court isn’t).
Allow for more discretion. Mediation is private; litigated divorce is public.
However, on the “con” side, divorce mediation may also:
Waste time and money. If negotiations fail, you’ll need to start all over.
Be incomplete or unduly favorable to one spouse. If the mediator is inexperienced or biased towards your husband, the outcome could be unfavorable for you.
Result in an unenforceable agreement. A mediation agreement that’s lopsided or poorly drafted can be challenged.
Lead to legal complications. Any issue of law will still need to be ruled upon by the court.
Fail to uncover certain assets. Since all financial information is voluntarily disclosed and there is no subpoena of records, your husband could potentially hide assets/income.
Reinforce unhealthy behavior patterns. If one spouse is dominating and the other is submissive, the final settlement may not be fair.
Fuel emotions. Mediation could increase negative behavior of a spouse with a propensity for physical/mental or drugs/alcohol abuse.
Couples often hear about the wonders of mediation and how it is reportedly a better, less contentious, less expensive and more “dignified” way to get a divorce. However, my biggest problem with mediation is that the sole role and goal of the mediator is to get the parties to come to an agreement --any agreement! Remember, the mediator cannot give any advice. All they can do is try to get you to agree. Unfortunately, not all agreements are good agreements, and in fact, in many cases, no agreement is better than a bad agreement. So unless both parties can be fairly reasonable and amicable (and if they can be, why are they getting divorced???), I believe that mediation is usually not a viable option for most women.
Collaborative Divorce
Simply put, collaborative divorce occurs when a couple agrees to work out a divorce settlement without going to court. During a collaborative divorce both you and your husband will each hire an attorney who has been trained in the collaborative divorce process. The role of the attorneys in a collaborative divorce is quite different than in a traditional divorce. Each attorney advises and assists their client in negotiating a settlement agreement. You will meet with your attorney separately and you and your attorney will also meet with your husband and his attorney. The collaborative process may also involve other neutral professionals such as a divorce financial planner who will help both of you work through your financial issues and a coach or therapist who can help guide both of you through child custody and other emotionally charged issues. In the collaborative process, you, your husband and your respective attorneys all must sign an agreement that requires that both attorneys withdraw from the case if a settlement is not reached and/or if litigation is threatened. If this happens, both you and your husband must start all over again and find new attorneys. Neither party can use the same attorneys again! Even if the collaborative process is successful, you will usually have to appear in family court so a judge can sign the agreement. But the legal process can be much quicker and less expensive than traditional litigation if the collaborative process works. Unfortunately, though, I have found that the collaborative method often doesn’t work well to settle divorces involving complicated financial situations or when there are significant assets. In collaborative divorce, just as in mediation, all financial information (income, assets and liabilities) is disclosed voluntarily. Often the husband controls the “purse strings,” and the wife is generally unaware of the details of their financial situation. When this kind of inequality exists, the door is often wide open for the husband to hide assets. What’s more, many high net worth divorces involve businesses and professional practices where it is relatively easy to hide assets and income. Additionally, the issue of valuation can be quite contentious. So . . . as a general rule, my recommendation is this: Do NOT use any of these first three options --Do-It-Yourself Divorce, Mediation or Collaborative Divorce -- if:
You suspect your husband is hiding assets/income.
Your husband is domineering, and you have trouble speaking up or you’re afraid to voice your opinions.
There is a history or threat of domestic violence (physical and/or mental) towards you and/or your children.
You or your husband has a drug/alcohol addiction.
Litigated Divorce
The fourth divorce option is the most common. These days, the majority of divorcing couples choose the “traditional” model of litigated divorce.
Keep in mind, though, “litigated” does not mean the divorce ends up in court. In fact, the vast majority of all divorce cases (more than 95 percent) reach an out-of-court settlement agreement. “Litigation” is a legal term meaning 'carrying out a lawsuit.'
Why are lawsuits a part of divorce? Because contrary to popular belief, divorce usually does not involve two people mutually agreeing to end their marriage. In 80 percent of cases, the decision to divorce is unilateral –one party wants the divorce and the other does not. That, by its very nature, creates an adversarial situation right from the start and often disqualifies mediation and collaborative divorce, since both methods rely on the full cooperation of both parties and the voluntary disclosure of all financial information. Clearly, if you are starting out with an adversarial and highly emotionally charged situation, the chances are very high that collaboration or mediation might fail. Why take the risk of going those routes when odds are they might fail, wasting your time and money? The most important and most difficult parts of any divorce are coming to an agreement on child custody, division of assets and liabilities and alimony payments (how much and for how long). Although you want your attorney to be a highly skilled negotiator, you don’t want someone who is overly combative, ready to fight over anything and everything. An overly contentious approach will not only prolong the pain and substantially increase your legal fees, it will also be emotionally detrimental to everyone involved, especially the children. Remember: Most divorce attorneys (or at least the ones I would recommend) will always strive to come to a reasonable settlement with the other party. But if they can’t come to a reasonable settlement or if the other party is completely unreasonable then, unfortunately, going to court, or threatening to do so, might be the only way to resolve these issues. If you have tried everything else, and you do end up in court, things can get really nasty and hostile. Up until that point both attorneys were “negotiators,” trying to get the parties to compromise and come to some reasonable resolution. But once in court, the role of each attorney changes. Negotiations and compromise move to the back burner. Their new job is to “win” and get the best possible outcome for their client. And don’t forget, once you’re in court, it’s a judge who knows very little about you and your family that will make the final decisions about your children, your property, your money and how you live your life. That’s a very big risk for both parties to take –and that’s also why the threat of going to court is usually such a good deterrent. Here’s my last word of advice about divorce alternatives: Weigh divorce options carefully. The bottom line is that every family, and every divorce, is different. Obviously, if you are able to work with your husband to make decisions and both of you are honest and reasonable, then mediation or the collaborative method may be best. But, if you have doubts, it is good to be ready with “Plan B” which would be the litigated divorce. Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jefflanders/2012/04/24/the-four-divorce-alternatives/#3311d49120ae
In an ideal world, all weddings would result in fairytale marriages and happy endings. No one would ever disagree, cheat, grow apart, lie or lose interest, and divorces would never happen. Of course, that world does not exist. Divorce is an unfortunate reality of life for many people. It's not always a bad thing. People grow, mature and grow apart over time, and some marriages cannot sustain these changes. For some people, the divorce is sudden and unexpected; for others, it's a slow process of marital decay until the separation is inevitable. No matter why the marriage fell apart, the divorce itself is bound to be an emotional period that's difficult for all parties involved. Some things will make the process easier for everyone, however, especially if there are children in the mix. By setting aside the hurt feelings and working through the practical aspects of getting the divorce finalized, you can both move on with your lives as quickly and painlessly as possible. What is an Amicable Divorce? For people in the throes of a divorce, it may seem anything but amicable. Many separations are preceded by months or even years of arguing, blame-placing, lies or other major issues. Even people who end a relationship on generally good terms may still feel hurt and overwhelmed, and it can be hard to see the divorce clearly and objectively.
An amicable divorce is one where both parties can agree to terms of spousal support, child support, custody and the division of assets without needing a judge to make those decisions for you. An amicable divorce is always uncontested, meaning both parties agree that the marriage is over and are willing to work toward bringing it to a peaceful resolution. In understanding a diplomatic divorce, it may be helpful to understand what it's not:
It doesn't mean that you'll both be friends. Although some divorcees are able to maintain friendships with their exes, this is not the norm (certainly not the level of friendship as before) and it's not something that you should expect.
It doesn't mean that the divorce will be painless. You have the right to grieve for the loss of your marriage, and nothing can take that right away from you. Approaching the divorce with a clear head will simply help resolve it quickly and without adding more pain.
It doesn't mean that you'll get everything you want. A diplomatic divorce is fair, which means both sides will come out mostly even. Neither party really "wins" a divorce, so don't expect to leave the proceedings feeling triumphant.
Once you understand what an amicable divorce really is, it becomes easier to see why it's the best choice. If you can, you should always strive to end your marriage on a diplomatic note; this is doubly important if you have children and plan to share custody. Why Get a Diplomatic Divorce? One of the best reasons to try for an amicable divorce is so that your children's lives are as unaffected as possible. Divorce puts a huge strain on families, and children have an especially difficult time adjusting. If you can end the relationship in a way that enables you to communicate civilly, it will be easier for your children to adjust to their new lifestyle. It will also make sharing custody more bearable, and you won't have as much resentment every time you see each other. Children aren't the only reason to have a diplomatic divorce, however. Even if you don't have children, you can benefit from an equal agreement about dividing your assets and arranging spousal support. Moreover, settling a divorce amicably will provide both members of the couple more control over the separation of property, custody and other important matters. When a divorce goes to court, the judge ultimately decides who should be granted what. While the judge will attempt to divide assets fairly, the division may not be ideal for both parties. If you can come to an agreement outside of court, you will be better prepared for the terms of the divorce and have more freedom and flexibility than if a judge decided the terms of your divorce for you. It will also make the divorce process itself much faster and easier. Uncontested divorces are settled quickly, and if you agree to things in advance, you won't have to spend as much time in court. This will save you time, money and frustration and allow you to begin building your new life without devoting so much time to divorce proceedings. How to Have a Diplomatic Divorce The first key to having a successful diplomatic divorce is to choose an attorney who can help you with the process. Make sure to choose an attorney who understands that you want to end the divorce easily and amicably. Some lawyers have a more aggressive approach that will make it harder to end the divorce diplomatically. Once you've retained a lawyer, it's important to make sure that your ex is willing to end the marriage diplomatically and knows what that will involve. Try to have a discussion with them about your wishes so that you can set realistic expectations. Being in agreement about having an amicable divorce will make the rest of the process much easier. In some cases, if you and your ex are on the same page, you may be able to resolve the entire divorce without going to court. Both members of the couple will fill out the necessary paperwork, exchange documents and work through difficulties as they arise. Generally one person will file for the divorce and the other will accept it. This is called a pro se divorce and requires negotiation and open communication, but you might find it worthwhile. If a pro se divorce is too difficult, a collaborative divorce may make more sense. In this case, both members of the couple will retain lawyers and handle all communication through these attorneys. This allows the negotiation to take place outside of court, allowing a couple to resolve the marriage as peacefully as possible and retain more control over the divorce itself. Using attorneys as negotiators is a good compromise for couples who want to end a divorce diplomatically but are unable to collaborate with each other to complete the process. This ensures that both parties are treated fairly in the divorce without requiring the individuals to do all of the legwork for the divorce themselves. Of course, this will only work if both attorneys are on the same page. If your spouse retains a cut-throat, aggressive lawyer, the negotiation may not go smoothly and you may end up in court after all. No matter how you decide to handle your divorce, you may be required by the state to go through mediation. The mediator is a neutral third party who will help negotiate the divorce whether or not you decide to retain an attorney. If you both agree that mediation is unnecessary, the district will usually waive the requirement, but a mediator may be able to help you work out the requirements of your divorce. A Diplomatic Divorce is the Only Way to Go Whenever possible, it's best to have an amicable divorce. It may be difficult to see this at first, especially if there's a lot of anger about the situation, but it's important to separate the failed marriage from the divorce in your mind. Ultimately, a divorce is not about the relationship; a divorce is the separation of finances, property and activities. It's more like dissolving a business partnership. By approaching the divorce rationally and treating it diplomatically, as if you were negotiating a treaty, you can arrive at a solution that will benefit both partners as equally as possible. What "equally" means will vary from one couple to the next; for some, it might mean that one person gets alimony payments until they're able to recover from the financial impact of losing spousal support. For others, it might mean simply selling all belongings and dividing the profits equally. This is where keeping a level head and considering your future is vital to an amicable divorce. Rather than worrying about blame or punishment, you can focus purely on the task of dividing assets fairly and moving on with the least possible amount of pain for you, your ex and your family.
