So you and your ex have decided to split, perhaps your ex dumped you and you’re hurting. Or your ex made you so miserable that you dumped them. Either way the relationship is over and you’re getting divorced. Emotions are going to be bouncing off the walls; anger, sadness frustration, perhaps elation. You name it, you will experience them all.
And then comes the Divorce and financial settlement. There are several ways you can handle your divorce legally; mediation, arbitration or litigation but in emotional terms you can do it calmly, sensibly or with a fight. Now you may be the most reasonable person on the planet and your Ex could be a total arse, so you won’t have complete control of it being all “happy-clappy” but you do have the control of how you conduct yourself through a Divorce.
Unless you are an experienced divorce lawyer or a serial divorcee, the whole process may seem incredibly daunting and the approach you take will be guided by your lawyer. If your lawyer has an aggressive style, then hold on to your hats because it will be an all-out war. Often people mistake an aggressive style for being more effective but this just simply is not true. Anything that holds both you and your ex in the ‘Anger’ zone will just cost more money and more pain. So when you pick your lawyer, make sure you are picking someone who is a good reflection of your personality. If you want to Divorce with Dignity, then get yourself someone with a dignified approach.
Even with the best lawyer on your side, you will undoubtedly want to take some pot-shots at your Ex. Perhaps he never put his dishes in the dishwasher or she was too busy on the phone to her friends and you just want to make the point One-Last-Time. But think about it this way, what is that actually going to achieve?
• Are you hoping that they will finally realise what you have been saying all along and roll around on the floor begging for forgiveness? If they haven’t understood that throughout the relationship, then they sure as hell won’t understand it now.
• Are you even trying to save the relationship by getting them to see the error of their ways? Let’s be real, hurting someone has never been the way of winning someone over.
• Are you wanting some acknowledgement of your hurt? Then I get that, but then you also have to also accept that your Ex is hurting too and you are a part of their pain. You are going to need to acknowledge their hurt as well.
The hardest part of letting go of a relationship is actually accepting that you had a part to play in the demise of it. This may seem like a really difficult thing to do if you are in the early stages of a break up but it will be the most freeing thing you will do to move on.
Throwing daggers is actually just an expression of your hurt; trying to convey how you feel. And the more you keep doing it, the longer the relationship will take to get over. Feelings and thoughts form an attachment, so the longer you have feelings (even anger or hate) the longer you remain emotionally attached to that person. The sooner you stop throwing daggers at your Ex, the quicker the pain will be over.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/adele-mccormack/divorce-with-dignity_b_9774360.html
During divorce, we all need to surround ourselves with people who can be helpful during every step of the divorce process. There will be a need for friends to vent to, a counselor to give guidance, a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights and based on your situation many others.
Below is a discussion of who you will want and maybe even need on your divorce team. If it’s possible you should have a list of people you want on your team before the divorce process even begins.
4 People You’ll Definitely Need on Your Divorce Team
1. Friends and Family
You’ll need friends and family who’ll be supportive of what is right for you and your family. Pick them carefully! Choose to confide in and seek support from friends and family who help you grieve the end of your marriage and focus on your future. Distance yourself from friends and family who encourage angry feelings or tell you to “take him for all you can get.” This is not the attitude you need to expose yourself to during a highly emotionally charged time in your life.
Surround yourself with those who offer you, love, help when you are in need help and take your best interest into account at all times.
2. A Good Mediator
There are different types of mediators and, if you get lucky and can choose your own, you want one that fits your situation. Are you uncomfortable being in the same room with your spouse? Then, find a mediator who can negotiate your divorce settlement without the need for both spouses to be in the same room.
A mediator is going to help you settle the most important aspects of your divorce. It’s imperative that you work with one you trust and have faith in to be fair to all concerned.
3. A Divorce Lawyer
You will want a divorce lawyer who is going to look at your divorce case from the big picture while giving you the legal advice you need to ensure you have weighed the pros and cons of every choice you make during your divorce.
You want a divorce lawyer who responds to your questions, can keep you knowledgeable about your rights based on your state's divorce laws and will advocate for you and your needs during your divorce.
4. Counselor or Divorce Coach
Having someone on your divorce team to support your emotional transition can make a difference in how long you are stuck in negative emotions due to your divorce. Everyone goes through a transition after divorce. Navigating this transition involves working your way through feelings of shock, anger, grief, resistance to change, and commitment to a new post-divorce life.
Unfortunately, I’ve seen people who are stuck in anger for decades after a divorce, and unable to move on and rebuild a productive life or find a new partner. Having a divorce team member that is licensed and trained to help you work through your negative emotions and toward healing is probably the most valuable asset you will have during divorce.
Every divorce situation is different. Some people divorce after a short marriage with few assets to divide. Some divorce after decades of marriage with children to consider, major assets to divide and complicated issues to be dealt with. The more complicated your divorce, the more people you will need on your divorce team.
Below are others you will want to consider adding to your divorce team if you own a business with your spouse, have great financial interests to consider or feel your needs are more complex than the average divorcing couple.
Accountant
Financial Advisor
Real Estate Agent
Mortgage Broker
Estate Planning Attorney
Once your divorce attorney has become familiar with your case they will be able to help you determine whether or not you need to add those above to your divorce team.
Going through a divorce is one of the top three stress-producing experiences you can go through. Surrounding yourself with the proper divorce team members will alleviate a large amount of stress and leave you to focus on taking care of yourself emotionally and physically.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/who-do-you-need-on-your-divorce-team-4128815
When you're getting divorced, it can be hard to prevent anger, fear, or grief from taking hold. But keeping your cool (at least most of the time) is the best way to ensure that the proceedings go as smoothly as possible. "Divorce should be more of a business transaction than an emotional one," says Linda A. Kerns, a divorce attorney who practices in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. "The more emotional you are, the less likely you are to make reasonable, sound decisions."
Keeping that in mind, here are 11 things divorce lawyers warn their clients against doing.
Don't expect to come away with a windfall.
"One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in divorce cases is going in with unrealistic expectations," says Chloe Wolman, JD, a lawyer with Davies Wegner Law in Los Angeles. You and your soon-to-be-ex-spouse will have to start supporting two households on the same income that used to support one—which means you won't get to keep the house and the cars and all the accounts. "If you're the breadwinner spouse, you'll probably find yourself paying child/spousal support. If you're the lower-earning spouse, be prepared to learn that support is much less than you expected," says Wolman.
Don't try to hide money.
Hiding assets in an attempt to shield them from your spouse is a bad idea. "Don't move money out of accounts once the divorce action has started," says Shaolaine Loving, an attorney based in Las Vegas. "You can be held in contempt of court and sanctioned." Plus, in some states, like California, an Automatic Temporary Restraining Order (ATRO) goes into effect as soon as you file for divorce. "It means you can't suddenly cash out your 401(k) or rack up a huge credit card debt. You can't sell the house or liquidate your accounts," says Wolman.
Don't keep adding money to a joint account.
While trying to hide money is a no-no, there's no reason to continue adding to the communal pot. If you live in a community property state (like California), you can open a separate bank account and start putting your monthly paycheck in that, says Wolman. "Under California law, once you separate, everything you earn is your own property. There are reasons why that money may not be yours free and clear, but it's smart to start establishing your life as single person early on," says Wolman.
Don't do things out of spite.
No matter how angry you are right now, setting your husband's beloved golf clubs out in the rain to rust is not a good move. You end up looking bitter and irrational, which could temper the judge's opinion, says Loving.
Don't compare divorces.
Your divorce will not be the same as your neighbor's, friend's, or cousin's. Every case is specific, and it's worth noting that the laws are different in each state. "For example, in Pennsylvania, we have a bright line rule that child support ends when a child graduates from high school. In New Jersey, we do not," explains Kerns. "So if you are in Pennsylvania, expecting a court to order child support for college-age children is a nonstarter."
Don't expect to share the pet.
"Virtually all judges will award the pet to one person," says Kerns, because in most states, pets are considered property. Who gets to keep Fluffy? The person who adopted her, takes her to the vet, and cares for her on a daily basis will likely be favoured.
Don't surprise your spouse by serving him in public.
It might seem like the next-best thing to recording your own revenge song and airing it on the radio, but it can backfire. "When a party is surprised by the divorce filing, he may take a stance to not negotiate because he was served [in a way] that may have greatly embarrassed him," says Pamela Williams Kelly, a lawyer based in Memphis. "Advance knowledge and communication can help things go smoother."
Don't fight over things you don't care about.
Aunt Elma's china collection? The boat you never use? "Things backfire when parties look at every item, every decision, as a win for one or the other," says Kelly. Instead, focus on what's important. Full custody of the kids? Getting the house that belonged to your grandma? Keep your eyes on a big prize and don't sweat the small stuff.
Don't make the kids pawns.
Divorce is hard enough on children without the parents pushing them into a tug-of-war over who they love more. "Continue to support them emotionally and financially, and love them unconditionally," says Kelly. "They will respond to the divorce only as well as the parents do."
Don't wait for your big day in court.
"Trial is very expensive, and few people end up happy when they're paying their divorce lawyer more than they will get from the divorce," says Wolman. She says you're usually better off settling out of court, especially if you don't have children or a house or haven't been married very long.
"I've seen many cases that could have been settled easily but for an overly aggressive opposing counsel who just wanted to bring in a huge paycheck," says Wolman. Avoid this problem by getting attorney recommendations from people you trust and/or thoroughly vetting anyone you're considering hiring.
Don't rule out mediators.
Although a good lawyer who moves your case along quickly shouldn't be too expensive, there's a chance you might not need an attorney at all. "It's possible to hire a mediator who helps both spouses reach and draft an agreement," says Elinor Robin, PhD, a Florida Supreme Court–certified mediator and mediation trainer. "This option works well for those who are reasonably well informed about their finances," and it can save time, money, and stress.
Source: https://www.prevention.com/sex/11-things-divorce-lawyers-say-you-should-never-do
The realities of divorce will be quite different from what you’ve imagined divorce to be. Don’t be caught off-guard!
A couple of weeks ago I saw the post below go through my Facebook newsfeed. It was written by a newly divorced Mom who had learned five realities of divorce while attempting to sell a home and raise her children on her own.
“No one tells you divorce makes you an outcast.
No one tells you people really do take sides, & they will do it in your face.
No one tells you how to learn to get over it. How to sit with your grief.
No one tells you how vulnerable you’ll be & how everything feels shitty.
No one tells you you’ll look back at the calendar with disbelief at how long divorce takes and the disentangling and how suddenly the people you thought you knew best…are total strangers. Ghosts.
So I’m telling you.”
This Mom is wrong, those things have been told. She didn’t discover some dark hidden truth about divorce, she just came face to face with the realities of divorce.
I write about it and other divorce experts share the ugly side of divorce in books and articles daily online. The problem is, the experts aren’t being read or, if they are, folks reading our advice think, “That couldn’t happen to me, my situation is different.”
And, nothing stands in the way of a newly divorced person moving forward and creating a satisfying life more than the “I’m different” thought process. The idea that bad divorces only happen to other people. Or, the belief that people who experience pain and suffering after divorce do so because they did something wrong. These are thought processes that are prevalent among those deciding on and going through a divorce.
Most are under the illusion that divorce is the road to happiness and when faced with the realities of divorce are lost at how to process it and use it to their own advantage. Divorce is not the road to happiness, divorce is hard, harder than most bad marriages and when it turns your world upside down it’s in your best interest to be mentally prepared or you will drown in the “no one told me” pity party.
How to Handle The Realities Of Divorce:
1. The danger in not knowing and expecting the realities of divorce only keeps you stuck in a state of disbelief when those realities become part of your daily life. So, don’t allow yourself to go through a divorce unless you are armed with knowledge about what divorce is and can become. If you read something negative about the consequences of divorce, don’t throw on your shroud of, “that only happens to other people.” Instead, take it to heart.
2. During divorce, people will shun you and even your best friends will take sides and it won’t always be your side. Let them! It’s of no consequence when it comes to how you choose to live your life. Focus on the people who supported you during this painful period in your life, not the ones who turned their backs. That is a more productive use of your time.
3. Divorce means experiencing loss, it’s the death of your marriage. You must learn to adapt to and adjust to that loss and rebuild your life. First, you must grieve and “sit with” the loss. If you are unsure how to do that, Google, “grief after divorce.” There are over 30 million articles and books available for those who are coping with the grief of divorce. Find an article or book that brings you comfort, join a local support group or reach out to friends and family. The key is to admit your vulnerability and be willing to reach out for help.
4. Yep, everything can be “shitty” after a divorce. And when it is, you can feel powerfully vulnerable. Divorce forces people to change when all they want to do is escape the pain. Divorce turns everything upside down. You have to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. When you are in pain and seeking comfort from that pain it can be hard to focus on the one thing that will relieve the pain…embracing the change. Making those necessary changes is the only thing that will take away the “shitty” feelings that pop up during and after divorce.
5. Your lawyer isn’t going to tell you how long the legal process of divorce will take. There are legal guidelines but those can be tossed out the window because, the longer a divorce takes, the more money your lawyer will make. So, here I am, telling you, if you don’t become a proactive part of your legal divorce you will look back in disbelief at how long it took.
6. Learn your state’s divorce laws. Learn your local court procedures related to Family Court matters. Hold your lawyer accountable at the first hint of him/her engaging in adversarial legal tactics. Divorcing couples do not have to come out the other side hating each other if they refuse to allow a dysfunctional family court system to determine the course of their divorce.
There you go, I’ve told you, again. Divorce is no walk in the park. Divorce is not the end of conflict. Divorce is not the road to happiness. Divorce puts an end to marriage but it also puts into play many, many other issues that can be stressful to deal with if you aren’t prepared to meet them head-on. Be prepared!
Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/6-tips-for-handling-the-realities-of-divorce/
Every divorce has different circumstances, but the emotional toll of the process is something that will be felt by everyone. This can lead to tempers flaring, angry outbursts, feeling lost, depression or any number of strong feelings that may cloud your ability to keep a level head throughout the long and arduous litigation. It is very important that you don’t let raw emotion lead you into doing something rash that may hurt your side in court, and here are a few things to remember about keeping your composure at the toughest of times.
Keep a Positive Outlook
A divorce is one the most stressful situations in a person’s life, and it can be very difficult to remain positive. Marriages require the mutual agreement of two people, but it only takes one to decide they want a divorce. This can be particularly hard if you were not the one to make this choice, and with all of the destructive stereotypes associated with divorce, it is easy to become bogged down in all of that negativity.
Maintaining an optimistic perspective may sound cliche, but it is key to getting through the process. It is important to remember that everyone has their faults and it is not singularly you or your spouse alone that caused the end of the marriage. Consider the divorce as a life lesson, not a synonym for failure, and know that it is possible to move forward with dignity and still find happiness.
Many feel like getting the divorce finalized as soon as possible, regardless of any long-term sacrifices they make in doing so, is the only way to move forward with their life. Samuel Sorensen, a divorce attorney from the Salt Lake City office, said this attitude can force people to lose sight of the future.
“I try to give the client a perspective on how they will think in five years or when they are remarried, and what they wish they would have done in their divorce,” Sorensen said. “I see many clients come in 5-15 years after their divorce and they are still paying alimony and did not get to see their kids as much as they wanted to. I try to relate those stories to my current clients. It helps them see beyond the current situation.”
Focusing on the new and exciting aspects of getting a fresh start to life instead of dwelling on the past is one of the hardest, but most important steps in seeing things through a positive light.
The Scapegoat
During the divorce proceedings, it will often feel easier to roll over and agree with whatever terms the opposing party is putting forward instead of getting in a bitter argument over details that aren’t in your favor. This attitude can lead to blindly signing unfair terms, purely to avoid confrontation. Jamie Kinkaid, a Cordell and Cordell Attorney based in Omaha, said he keeps a “blame me” policy open with his clients for everything that might lead to conflict.
“Many clients find it easier to simply agree and not ‘rock the boat,’” Kinkaid said. “For instance, if it came to alimony and the wife earns 10 times as much as the husband, but the husband really does not want to argue with the wife, he can ‘blame me’ in asking for alimony. He can ‘blame me’ for discovery. He can ‘blame me’ for doing my due diligence.”
Most attorneys will have no problem being the “bad guy,” particularly in the tougher aspects of the divorce, such as settlement negotiations. They are there to be an advocate for you and get the best arrangement possible, but they cannot do their job if you simply sign agreements to avoid hostility.
Therapists
Meeting regularly with a professional therapist can be a very beneficial way to help regain confidence and find a positive direction, despite the common societal view held by men that opening up about your emotions is an embarrassing sign of weakness. However, that doesn’t stop some from unloading everything they are feeling during meetings with their lawyer. Sorensen said this is not inherently a bad thing, but it can be expensive and there are situations where he would suggest seeking professional help.
“Many times, I will just let them talk, because they just want someone to listen. I don’t mind being the sounding board for my clients and listening; although, it can get quite costly for them depending on how long they talk,” Sorensen said. “However, in some situations, when the client either continues to talk about the same issues over and over or I get concerned about some of the things they are saying [such as] violence against themselves or another, distorted views of reality, etc., I will strongly recommend that they utilize a counselor or therapist.”
While seeking a professional can be very beneficial for dealing with the stress and emotional toll of divorce, take into consideration that it can help or hurt your divorce proceedings depending on where you live. Therapists’ records are discoverable in some states, meaning they could be detrimental or embarrassing depending on what was discussed if they are brought up in court. Attorneys can also recommend seeking a professional counselor in situations where their client has been accused of emotional or psychological abuse to show the court they are working on the problem. Either way, it is probably best to ask your attorney’s advice before seeking out a therapist to ensure it doesn’t hurt your case.
Keeping cool during the divorce and maintaining an optimistic outlook is very important for getting through, and beyond, the proceedings. It may feel crushingly oppressive at times, but the world will continue to turn, there is still plenty to enjoy and much greater happiness to find. Keeping control of your emotions instead of giving in to reckless action will help you avoid unnecessary problems and have a better perspective after everything is over.
Source: https://mensdivorce.com/keeping-cool-divorce/
Whether you’ve been married for five days or 50 years, it’s hard to imagine the person you’re divorcing today is the same person to whom you once pledged your eternal and undying love. As the saying goes, the very traits that caused you to fall in love with a person are the same traits that caused you to fall out of love at the end of the relationship. The legal, financial, and emotional uncoupling gets even more complicated when you’re tangled up with a narcissist. Divorcing someone with narcissistic personality disorder or even narcissistic features can be a long, drawn-out and arduous affair (no pun intended) if you allow yourself to get sucked into their vortex. Here are 8 healthy and sane steps you can take to divorce on your terms, not theirs.
#1. Determine If Your Ex is a Narcissist.
Your ex can be arrogant, heartless, mean-spirited or an egomaniac, but that doesn’t necessarily make him or her a narcissist. Narcissists are notable for lacking empathy and accepting no responsibility - not even a little bit. People who lack empathy don’t feel sorry for the kitten they ran over, or for the family that is now mourning the loss of its pet, or even for the child who witnessed the accident; they will blame the family for letting its kitten roam the neighborhood, the kitten for not getting out of the way, or they might even chastise the family for the inconvenience of needing to rinse the road kill off their wheels.
Now imagine asking the person who is at the center of his or her own universe for a divorce. Are they going to have any insight to care at all about what brought this on, or what behaviors of theirs led you to this decision? Probably not. Are they going to work with you to co-parent the children and make the children feel safe and secure with the changes and uncertainty in their lives? Probably not. Even if they cheated on you, they will blame you for making them cheat. Even if they physically or emotionally assaulted you, you’re the one who made them do it. They will portray themselves as the victim; they will try to make you pay.
Once you determine and accept the fact that you are dealing with a narcissist, your guard must be up and you must accept that they will be extraordinarily difficult to deal with in a divorce no matter whether it is a child at stake or the steak knives. You can kill them with kindness and they still will go after you.
#2. Save Rational Thoughts for The Right Audience.
Bringing rational thoughts into any conversation with a narcissist is like bringing a squirt gun to a knife fight. Rational thoughts are to the narcissist what vegetables are to a toddler, feed them as much as you want, they will just spit it out. As much as the toddler wants ice cream and will throw a tantrum to get it, the narcissist doesn’t want to hear you, they just want to win. They want vindication to show the world they were right! Their tantrums come in the form of deflections, designed to keep you off balance, distracted, and in defensive mode. You can state, “I want primary custody of the kids because you abuse alcohol.” The narcissist will reply, “I can’t trust you with the kids because you slept with our son’s soccer coach.” While you’re expending energy explaining that you never met the soccer coach and his accusation says nothing about your ability to parent, it’s too late, you’ve already taken the bait and are discussing his or her preferred topic (your inability to parent) versus yours (his or her ability to parent).
Instead of arguing with your ex, calmly and rationally talk to your lawyer and let them speak on your behalf. Which brings up the next point…
#3. Hire a Divorce Attorney That Specializes in Narcissists.
If you own a Tesla electric car, you’re not going to take it to a mechanic that specializes in combustion engines. The same logic applies to legal representation, not all divorce attorneys are created equal. Some are good negotiators. Others are loudmouthed, aggressive sharks. But it takes someone who’s well versed in the tactics that narcissists use in court to create a strategy that keeps your divorce and especially custody proceedings moving through the legal process.
#4. Know the Road Ahead.
If you have children, you will need to convince a variety of people, each with their own agendas and biases, that you are the parent best equipped to care for your children. Your audiences include counselors, therapists, and judges. At each step, the narcissist will try to prove you’re unbalanced, incompetent, and a threat to your children. Remember the old movie “Gaslight?” If you react emotionally to any accusation during these proceedings, no matter now ludicrous, you’re playing into the image of you they’ve manufactured. Expect the unexpected and the worst behavior from your ex and you can’t be knocked off balance or surprised.
#5. Document. Save. File. Share.
It’s relatively easy for an ex to edit a text message, e-mail, or voicemail you‘ve left before sending it to their attorney as evidence against you. The only way to counter their claims is by providing the original message that was sent – this includes screen shots from your phone, “sent messages” from your e-mail outbox, and audio recordings of everything you tell them. The best way of keeping track of this is by minimizing communication with your ex and avoiding all possibilities of him or her provoking you, such as the PTA meeting where witnesses can recall what you do and do not say.
If you see proof of their bad judgment, aggressive behavior, or abuse on social media; capture it before you file for divorce, otherwise your ex can delete the offending posts, or their accounts, in a matter of seconds.
#6. Have a Plan, Stick to It.
Your plan is to reasonably divide your assets and responsibilities so that you and your children can move forward with your lives. For your children, this plan probably includes time with your ex even if your ex is a first-class narcissist. For you, it includes as little as contact with your ex as possible. But the narcissist sees things differently. For them, its win or lose; all for them, none for you. Any allowance you’re given is seen as a personal defeat, so they will spare any expense to keep you from your goals. Even if they invest $50k in legal fees to keep you from getting a $25k car, and you still get the car, they will feel justified in their actions because they can blame the unfair judge and take no ownership in the final decision. In fact, the judge’s decision might fuel their martyr complex for years to come, which is a victory for the narcissist. As part of your plan, know what you’re willing to give up, but demand that everything gets divided equally when you first discuss settlement so the narcissist feels he or she denied you something you really wanted, when it was actually a concession any rational person would have made on Day #1.
#7. Circle the Wagons.
In the Wild West, a caravan could best defend all members against an attack by circling the wagons and fighting from all sides. When divorcing a narcissist, you can expect to be hit from all angles, and blindsided when you least expect it. By surrounding yourself with close family members, friends, and counselors, you won’t need to battle your ex alone.
#8. Forgive Yourself.
Coming back to where we began, it is hard to imagine why you ever married a narcissist. Well, forgive yourself. Narcissists, by nature, want to win at all costs. During your courtship, you were the prize – so he or she likely piled on the charm, the romance, the sex, and the affirmation to claim you as their own and prevent others from being with you. In fact, his or her confident, charming, can-do, “always close the sale” attitude might be part of what attracted you to him or her in the first place. It’s after the sale is made, the deal is done, the validation of winning your love has been given, that the narcissist changes – and often turns their attentions to other prizes and goals (from job promotions and gambling to sports cars and lovers). This cold and calculated shift will eventually lead you to asking for a divorce. It’s okay, you didn’t see it coming this time – but now you know what narcissistic behaviors to look out for next time if and when you’re ready to find a new and worthier partner.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/8-simple-rules-when-divorcing-a-narcissist_us_5a31c967e4b0b73dde46aa0a
A psychologist and an attorney offer expert advice.
Most people, understandably, will do almost anything to avoid going to court for any number of reasons, including the financial cost, the loss of privacy, the inevitable calcification of antagonism between you and someone you married, the pain it causes children and other family members, and the fear of putting your life in the hands of a complete stranger, sitting on a bench at the front of a courtroom. (Not to mention all those movies—Kramer vs. Kramer, The War of the Roses, The Squid and the Whale—that act as cautionary tales, the horror stories bounced around the Internet, and those of people you know.)
Despite the attention given to divorce cases that play out in court, especially when someone is rich or famous, the reality is that only about 5% of divorces end up in front of a judge. Some 95% of couples either work it out themselves, or use mediation or collaborative divorce techniques to minimize damage and the financial costs.
But the usual considerations that keep people out of court and make mediation and settlement viable alternatives simply don’t apply for those who inhabit the far end of the narcissistic spectrum. I’ve asked two experts—an attorney who specializes in litigation, Mary Kirkpatrick (disclosure: she was my lawyer) and Craig Malkin, a practicing therapist, blogger on this site, and author of Rethinking Narcissism—to help me untangle the threads of what, for most people, ends up a torturous mess.
The question of gender
Throughout this piece, I have used the pronouns he and she to avoid accusations of bias, although there are a few facts to keep in mind.
The first is that on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum (for simplicity, we’ll call people at this extreme ‘narcissists’), men outnumber women two to one. Yes, double. That makes it more likely that if there’s a narcissist in the courtroom, it will be the husband. That doesn’t mean it will never be the wife. As Malkin explained, “the largest review of gender differences and narcissism to date suggests that this gender gap stems mainly from the fact that men tend to be more aggressive than women—and, unlike women, they’re often encouraged to flaunt the exploitative, entitled behaviors that characterize narcissistic personality disorder.”
The second is that 60-69 percent of all divorces in the United States are initiated by women; this has been historically consistent since the 19th and 20th centuries and remains true today. It’s a counterintuitive finding: Divorce generally reduces the standard of living for women and improves it for men, and men are more likely to remarry than their female counterparts. Not surprisingly, researchers in law, psychology, and sociology have wanted to know why.
In their study, published in American Law and Economics Review, Margaret Brinig and Douglas Adams concluded that the issue of child custody drove women to file first, giving them—the primary caretaker—temporary custody at least. Attorney Kirkpatrick thinks it also may be because the wife knows she will likely get 50 percent of the marital property, alimony if she qualifies for it, and child support; this may be better than continuing a marriage with a financial tyrant or a spendthrift.
But Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld took another tack, comparing the initiation of divorce with breakups in unmarried, heterosexual cohabitating and non-cohabitating couples. Rosenfeld looked specifically at some of the explanations proposed for why wives tend to initiate divorces:
1. women’s heightened sensitivity to relationship issues leads them to be more dissatisfied;
2. marriage is a factory for traditional gender expectations, which is supported by the finding that women still carry two-thirds of household responsibilities; and
3. an imbalance of power by gender.
He found that cohabitating and non-cohabitating couples demonstrated no gender imbalance in initiating breakups; either party was equally likely to end the relationship. Interestingly, compared to 19 percent of marriages in which partners reported mutuality in the decision to divorce, 32 percent of cohabitating couples and 36 percent of non-cohabitating couples described the decision as mutual.
Rosenfeld concluded that it’s the gendered nature of the institution of marriage itself that accounts for women initiating divorce. The initiation of a divorce doesn’t, of course, mean that this person intends to end up in front of a judge; a person may file first as a tactic to jump-start negotiations as well.
About the narcissist
Let’s start with why the narcissist—despite all the real reasons any sensible person would be highly motivated to stay out of court—is very likely to end up in it.
1. He or she is in it to win it.
Even though there aren’t real “winners” in divorce—with luck, there’s some equitable splitting of responsibilities and assets—that’s not the narcissist’s point of view. He or she is likely to see himself or herself as a victim, regardless of the facts, and has no intention of meeting in the middle, so you can forget negotiation or mediation. Being proven right is the ultimate goal, and the narcissist will do whatever it takes to make that happen. “One of my clients,” Malkin says, “went through hell with a man who’d enjoyed three affairs in the course of his marriage, and regularly spent their vacation money on his trysts. He tried to convince the judge my client was having an affair (she wasn’t), all the while sending, long pleading letters, asking, ‘why are you doing this to me?’ For many narcissists, truth isn’t just relative. It’s optional."
2. He or she is a game player.
Studies show this to be the narcissist’s relational pattern—maintaining power and an edge by keeping others off-balance—and he or she isn’t going to change just because you’re going to court. Gaming the system will be the first line of defense and, as we’ll see, the family court system can be gamed. “This is especially dangerous when your narcissistic ex is the extraverted, charming type with lots of money to burn,” Malkin says. “They’re apt to file endless motions, making empty (false) accusations about ‘neglectful parenting’ for example, wasting everyone’s time. It’s often an attempt to wear you down.”
3. He or she doesn’t tally emotional losses.
Impaired empathy is one of the hallmarks of pathological narcissism, and what that translates into here is the narcissist’s total disregard of how anyone—including his or her spouse and, more important, children—might be hurt by the game-playing or other behaviors. It literally doesn’t occur to the narcissist because the focus is solely on him or her; nothing else really matters except satisfying personal needs and wants. Unfortunately, what keeps most of us on the relatively straight and narrow in stressful situations like divorce and tends to keep us out of court is our worry about other people—how they might be affected or hurt, what they will think of our behaviors, and how it will affect our future relationships. Not the narcissist. He or he is likely to indulge in what military strategists call a scorched-earth policy—leave nothing standing in his or her wake. This, unfortunately, often includes the children of the marriage, who become unwitting pawns in the narcissist’s strategizing. As discussed below, the gender of the narcissist actually comes into play here, especially if there is no agreement on custody or child support.
4. By engaging you in a court battle, the narcissist is still using you to feel powerful.
Narcissists need to be in relationships to self-regulate, and by dragging you through court, he or she will feel a thrilling surge of power and control. If the narcissist simply lets you go, he or she would have to find someone else to fill the need. Unfortunately, this also means that the narcissist doesn’t care how the long the process takes—which is surprising but true. Again, most people want to put the unpleasantness and stress
of divorce and all of its attendant negotiations and give-and-take behind them; that’s just not true of the narcissist, which makes going up against one that much harder. “It’s a way of staying connected,” Malkin says. “Better to be your enemy than to become a nobody in your eyes.”
5. He or she wants you to capitulate.
It’s not enough that he can say that he or she won—the narcissist needs a symbolic trophy to prove it and the easiest way to achieve that is for you to fold your tents and go away. Besting other people makes the narcissist feel good, and going to court is often waged as war of attrition.
How the narcissist changes the nature of the divorce
The likelihood is that you’ve ended up in court because of his or her refusal to discuss terms on any reasonable basis. Going to court and having a judge decide may actually make the narcissist more comfortable because it means he or she doesn’t have to take responsibility for the outcome, especially if it’s not favorable. That sounds counterintuitive, but the narcissist doesn’t want to give anything up willingly and the court system assures that, win or lose, it won’t be his or her fault. Paradoxically, ceding control permits the narcissist to maintain the illusion of control. Additionally, the process is likely to include:
1. The strategy of obstruction
Depending on which state you live in, family court proceedings can take a lot of time, and the narcissist will instruct his or her attorney to eat up as much of it as possible. Be prepared for the filing of lots of motions, requests for more time and delays, “emergencies" and the like. No matter which one of you is the plaintiff, the narcissist will be the self-described victim in all of his or her filings, the marriage revisited and retold. The thing is that the narcissist only believes his or her truth, even if it tests credulity. Narcissists may not be averse to lying in sworn documents, even about things that can be easily shown not to be true, because showing that they’re not true takes up more time and paper (and legal fees)—and that’s part of the strategy. Kirkpatrick notes that other tactics may include delaying when he or she thinks it can help or get under your skin, not showing up for court dates, including misleading information in filings and appeals that then needs to be challenged, and not disclosing information fully so that there are additional rounds of attorney correspondence and discovery requests and the legal fees continue to mount up. Because the narcissist is expert at self-presentation (and believes in his or her own superiority), the working assumption is that the judge will believe his or her story. (And if he or she is wealthy, and outwardly successful, and you’re less so, the ploy might well work.)
2. Refuse to negotiate or settle.
Again, time is an arrow in the narcissist’s quiver and he or she also knows that the longer the process takes, the easier you’ll be to manipulate and pressure. He or she is counting on that. Because a narcissist is by nature a game player, Kirkpatrick reports, "There are patterns to dealings with a narcissist in settlement negotiations. They make low ball offers or offers that are patently objectionable. They fail to respond to all aspects of the proposal so that there are always bargaining chips to be used to stall the negotiation or begin at the beginning again, and they fail to respond to the matters presented. Do not expect any good faith dealings.
"They lack the ability to negotiate towards a middle ground; they will likely keep stating the same position over and over again, even when the facts and circumstances have changed.”
3. Run up your bills.
Yes, money is used as a bludgeon in most cases. The narcissist most likely sees it as a necessary expense—if, in fact, he or she intends on paying his attorney in the end.
4. Paint you black.
Yes, whatever Jello or mud is available, whether true or not, will be thrown to see what sticks to the wall. You should be prepared to be maligned both in the paperwork, in the courtroom itself, and in the world at large—it’s part of the narcissist’s lack of empathy, lack of interest in relational consequences, and desire to win no matter what the cost. Kirkpatrick notes that these filings will then have to be defended against or corrected, eating up more time and money and, of course, opening the door to the judge’s believing the narcissist. Additionally, Kirkpatrick comments that getting his or her story out there—told to new friends, old ones, family members, and people associated with your work and profession—is also typical of the narcissist’s efforts to pollute the waters, cause harm to reputation and children, while garnering support for him or herself.
5. Go back to court again and again even after a settlement or divorce.
For all the reasons outlined above, the narcissist is likely to keep on using the court system to resolve any real disputes as well as to promulgate new ones. As noted, the narcissist games the system. If there are children involved, Kirkpatrick tells me, “It’s endless. Lack of back and forth communication, not sharing schedules, appointments, or itineraries, signing up children for activities that fall on both parents’ time without notice and discussion when the parent doesn’t have the legal authority to do so are pretty typical after a high-conflict divorce. Add in trying to get the child’s psychological records without legal authority and invading the child’s privacy, and not paying bills in a timely fashion. Then there’s the warfare which is less than stealth: sending frequent emails that complain, harass, and show that he or she is grilling the child or children about the other parent or household and putting down the parenting received.” These can all become issues which must be resolved through the courts, as the narcissist well knows.
What you need to pay attention to
These are some generalized pieces of advice which should be discussed with your attorney. Given the psychological toll a contested divorce takes on you, it’s probably wise that you engage a therapist as well to keep you as steady and productively proactive—and not reactive—as possible. “A good therapist,” Malkin says, “should talk to you about the possibility of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, common in abuse survivors, even when the only abuse has been serial infidelity.” Keep in mind that your lawyer isn’t a therapist, and your therapist isn’t an attorney.
1. Make sure your attorney is aware of the problem and proactive
It’s not always obvious that there’s a narcissist in the mix, especially if he or she appears to be well-spoken and well-off; self-presentation goes a long way in fooling people. Your ex’s narcissistic tendencies, in fact, may only fully reveal themselves during the divorce process because it’s during conflict that the narcissist shows his or her true colors. Discuss the patterns of your about-to-be-ex’s responses and the best way to deal with them and make sure that your side has a strategy. If your ex is acting as his or her own attorney, you need to pay close attention as well. Kirkpatrick also recommends that “If your lawyer isn’t familiar with this kind of difficult personality, you either have to change lawyers or be incredibly solid in directing the lawyer to take the actions you want to set boundaries. It’s best to switch lawyers because, as the client, you’re vulnerable and you don’t need to be told explicitly or implicitly that ‘it’s in your head’ or ‘there’s nothing to be done.’” She too recommends that you develop support by going into therapy since this kind of divorce is emotionally and psychologically wearing.
2. Keep copies of everything, especially expenditures
Even if you’ve never been much of a record keeper, this is the time to become one. If this case devolves into a “he said/she said” situation with conflicting storylines, muster all the evidence you can. “This one’s hugely important," Malkin says. “It’s helped more than one of my clients discredit their ex’s lies.”
3. Stay cool and avoid the traps
Do not indulge your anger in voice mail or send emails and texts that could be construed as harassing or demeaning, especially if there are children involved. “Restraint of pen and tongue is key. Know how risky all communication is with a narcissist ex because he or she is likely to edit your texts and emails to share them with others, his new inner circle people. Keep in mind the narcissist has to control the story because of his or her low self-esteem and the need to be viewed as the ‘good guy or gal,’" Kirkpatrick says. “Keep the narcissist’s game-playing in the forefront of your mind and do what you can not to be drawn in. Do not make comments about your spouse in front of your children or to the people he hangs out with, as they will get back to him and fuel more retaliation.”
Even if your spouse is using the kids to score points, try to hew to the high road. “Your kids will appreciate that you’ve kept your relationship with your ex out of the conversation with them,” Malkin says. “Eventually, they see their narcissistic parent’s mudslinging for what it is: an attempt to manipulate their own children. And that’s how the narcissist inevitably loses the game.”
Kirkpatrick adds, “They marginalize themselves if you just stay focused on the next right step.”
That said, the damage done to families and family finances by these divorces is very real, as is the stress of having to endure one and, if there are children, the terrific toll a fractious and sustained divorce takes on feelings of trust and security. But the more prepared you are, legally and psychologically, the better you’ll fare.
Craig Malkin, Ph.D., is a psychologist, author, lecturer at Harvard Medical School, and director of YM Psychotherapy & Consultation, which provides psychotherapy and couples workshops. As a blogger for Psychology Today and the Huffington Post, he frequently writes about psychology and relationships and works with media outlets such as Time, The New York Times, and NPR. His new book is Rethinking Narcissism.
Mary G. Kirkpatrick is a trial lawyer whose practice in Vermont has included complicated divorce cases since 1986. She has significant experience with the research on divorce and child custody, having worked with national and state experts regarding parental alienation, personality disorders and divorce, and the effects of divorce on the family system.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201605/13-essential-tips-if-you-are-divorcing-narcissist
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalised.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
