Social networking linked to divorce, marital unhappiness

In what may be of little surprise to avid readers of FacebookCheating.com, a new study found a correlation between social media use and divorce rates in the United States.

The study, published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior by researchers from Pontificia Universidad Católica de Chile and Boston University, compared state-by-state divorce rates to per-capita Facebook accounts. In a separate analysis, they also used data from a 2011-2012 survey that asked individuals about marriage quality and social media use.

Their study found a link between social media use and decreased marriage quality in every model they analyzed. They said their research did not prove that social media might be to blame for troubled marriages, but suggested such a link may be proven in subsequent studies.

"Although it may seem surprising that a Facebook profile, a relatively small factor compared to other drivers of human behavior, could have a significant statistical relationship with divorce rates and marital satisfaction, it nonetheless seems to be the case," the authors wrote.

The state analyses found that a 20 percent annual increase in Facebook enrollment was associated with anywhere from a 2.18 percent to a 4.32 percent increase in divorce rates depending on the model used. Similarly, the model from individual survey results predicts that someone who does not use social media is over 11 percent happier in his or her marriage than a heavy social media user.

The study did not attempt to establish any causal relationship between Facebook and negative marital outcomes, but the authors did offer several explanations for why the correlation exists.

The study's authors reasoned that individuals in problematic relationships may be turning to social media for a support system, thus explaining the link between their increased usage and marital problems. They also wrote that social networks may help reduce uncertainty for people going through a divorce by providing information on an ex-partner without forcing direct contact.

The authors also hypothesized that social media's addictive qualities may create marital strife, promote an environment rife with opportunities for jealousy and may help facilitate extra-marital affairs.

Source: http://www.cnbc.com/2014/07/08/social-networking-linked-to-divorce-marital-unhappiness.html

Social media is causing 1 out of every 7 divorces

Social media has become really significant in divorce cases

Lately, there have been a flood of studies suggesting how social media is bad for us, but now it appears it's actually breaking up marriages. According to research that was commissioned by a law firm, social media, especially Facebook, is a factor in one out of seven divorces. That puts all those engagement announcements and wedding pictures that pop up in your feed into perspective, doesn't it?

Social media is a veritable breeding ground for competition and jealousy among friends and random acquaintances, so it would only make sense that it would spark similar feelings among couples. If there are already problems in a marriage, it's simply too easy to read into a harmless interaction between your spouse and a friend, and turn it into a reason to have it out with them.

While it's understandable that a couple's online social behavior would cause the occasional tiff, it's hard to believe it could lead to divorce in a number of cases. That in essence is why the firm of Slater and Gordon set out to determine its actual effect on the divorces they handle. They were noticing a significant rise in how often social media was mentioned as a trigger for divorce by their clients, especially considering it was not a factor at all just five years ago.

According to Andrew Newbury, a lawyer at Slater and Gordon, "Social media is the new marriage minefield. Social media, specifically pictures and posts on Facebook, are now being routinely raised in divorces."

Snapchat is also a big Pandora's box for couples, because its design is already secretive. You could potentially be sending tons of sexy photos to someone, and your spouse can never find the evidence, because it just disappears. One self-proclaimed cheating expert says Snapchat is the best way to cover your tracks, but that in turn makes partners even more suspicious of it.

It all seems to come down to trust, or rather lack of trust in unstable marriages. If these unstable couples have access to each other's social media accounts, it's too much of a temptation not to go rooting around, searching for a partner's guilty secrets. Even if a couple is relatively happy, sometimes curiosity gets the better of someone, and they open up a can of worms (aka the private message box).

According to a survey conducted by Censuswide which polled 2,011 husbands and wives, the most common reason married people check their spouse's social media accounts is to find out whether or not they're talking to a "marriage threat."

Moreover, on a less devious note, the research conducted by the law firm found one in five couples fight over something that showed up on social media every day. No wonder divorce rates are on the rise! It's like a constant stream of ammunition that couples can easily use against each other, if they so choose.

These fights most often come out of contact with an ex, secret private messages and posting "inappropriate" photos. It all just feels like a vicious cycle to me. If one person gets irked by a comment (regardless of whether or not it means anything) and then goes searching for more evidence of infidelity, it starts a snowball effect of sneaky behavior. If their partner gets wise to the snooping, they'll probably change their password, which will in turn make the snooper even more suspicious of them. My motto is, if you're looking for something, you'll likely find it, and that can never lead anywhere good.

Just like how the tone of text messages can get misconstrued, so can anything you find on your spouse's Facebook wall. So do yourself a favor — if you're overall happy in your relationship, but you see something that makes you second-guess it, talk it out rather than play detective. It might save you from having to explain how a winky face emoji led to you filing for divorce in front of a judge.

Source: http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1082692/social-media-is-causing-divorce

Why Social Media Causes Divorces, And 7 Ways It's Ruining Your Relationship

Although according to U.S. Rates and Statistics, the divorce rate has been on the decline since 1980, the fact remains that there are people out there still getting divorced. While it may not be as high as the 50 percent rate that has long become the go-to stat, no marriage is perfect which means no marriage is safe from divorce. While experts try to predict what leads to divorce as means to lessen the amount of them, in the past few years there's been a new factor: social media is a reason why people get divorced.

You may think that your little flirtations with your crush from high school are NBD, but the truth is that some partners don’t like that behavior. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or married, Facebook, and the Internet in general, can be sources of temptation and drama. According to family law firm McKinley Irvin’s new infographic, with one in three marriages ending because of an online affair, Facebook and Match.com are playing big rolls in the reason people divorce. And the problem with Facebook is that the evidence is all right there ― unless you’re smart enough to delete your tracks, of course.

From jealousy to creeping in on their partner’s social media accounts to divorce because of online behavior, here are seven ways social media is ruining your relationship.

1. More Than 10 Percent Of People Say Facebook Is A Source Of Jealousy And Danger

According to 15 percent of people, social media is absolutely dangerous to their marriage, while 16 percent can point their fingers to Facebook as causing jealousy in their relationship. The threat is so real that 14 percent of adults admit to combing through their partner’s social media accounts looking for evidence of cheating, virtual or otherwise.

2. Facebook Usage Is The One Reason Couples Fight

As the McKinley Irvin study found, it’s not just what a partner does on social media (liking every photo of their ex, maybe?), but the amount of time they spend on it. When it comes to the biggest arguments in couples about social media, the complaint is always how much time a partner wastes on it.

3. A Third Of People Keep Their Social Media Passwords From Their Partners

While marriage is supposed to be about everything, for a third of social media users, keeping their passwords private from the prying eyes of their partners is a must. The study also found that one in 10 of adults admit to hiding certain posts or message from their partners on Facebook.

4. Less Than 10 Percent Have Secret Social Media Accounts

For those who are just tired of hiding their behavior on social media from their partner, getting really sneaky is the best way to go. It’s that group, eight percent of adults, who just have a secret social media account all together. At least that way they can’t feel bad about hiding posts or changing their password every other day to really make sure their partner is clueless, right?

5. A Quarter Of Couples Fight About Facebook Weekly

Whether it’s because of Facebook usage or a partner’s behavior on it, for 25 percent of couples Facebook causes a fight at least once a week. People are fighting about it so often, that Facebook leads to confrontation in one in seven married couples, forcing the discussion of divorce to come up.

6. A Fifth Of People Doubt Their Relationship Because Of What They’ve Found On Facebook

According to the study, one in five people have found something on Facebook regarding their partner that has made them feel “uneasy” in their relationship. But despite that less than half of spouses confront their spouses about their discovery.

7. Majority Of Lawyers Use Social Media Evidence In Divorce Cases

As McKinley Irvin points out, what a partner “shares” on online can also be shared in a courtroom during a divorce case. In fact, 81 percent of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers have used social media as evidence in cases, with the top three being state of mind while being on social media, communications on it, and the time and place of said events.

Source: https://www.bustle.com/articles/100673-why-social-media-causes-divorces-and-7-ways-its-ruining-your-relationship

How Not to Commit Social Media Suicide During Your Divorce

It’s very difficult to restrain yourself when under attack, but there are several reasons why it’s not a good idea to go on a rampage.

Are you going to get really mad at your ex during divorce? Will there be people who stick their nose in your business, gossip about you, and think the worst of you? The answer to all of these is yes! The emotional entrée’ of divorce and all of the nasty side dishes of rumors and conflict make for a terrible case of indigestion! You will be tempted to blow your top, run in circles trying to set the record straight, and agonize over every misconception and damaged relationship.

Be careful! This is not the time to get an itchy trigger finger and start firing off retaliatory shots in all directions!

As satisfying as it could be to publicly shame your ex for his actions and give the court of public opinion a piece of your mind, what this situation calls for is dignity and self-control. It’s very difficult to restrain yourself when under attack, but there are several reasons why it’s not a good idea to go on a rampage!

Seven Reasons NOT to Commit Social Media Suicide:

1. “Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law…” is not just the line from when police make an arrest. Oh, no, this is the cold hard reality of how your words, pictures, and other actions on social media can come back to bite you hard in court! Never put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want the judge of your divorce case (or your kids, your boss, your grandma…) to read! Ask yourself if what you’re about to post is worth affecting custody and other factors of your divorce?

2. Have you ever seen what gasoline does when you add it to a fire? Kaboom! If things are already messy because others are making it so, your involvement is only going to turn up the animosity a notch, and nothing good is going to come from that!

3. Do you really want the dirty laundry from your personal life on display for the world? You may not have started this war, but going on a rant about your dirtbag ex and all the sordid details of your life disaster is nothing short of embarrassing. Some of your acquaintances may be inclined to pull up a chair and a big bowl of popcorn to watch your soap opera play out, but do you really want to be everyone’s cheap entertainment?

4. Do you want to prove your ex right? If your ex is the type to portray you as a crazy, volatile person who’s impossible to live with, the last thing you want to do is make a starring appearance on social media showing him and the rest of the world how psycho you really are!

Bite your tongue. Take deep breaths. Now, conduct yourself as a poised, rational, and sane individual who can’t be bothered to attend the crazy ex-position. You may never have your day in the sun to attack your ex’s allegations, but your dignified approach will make everyone else question what’s been said about you! Who’s really the crazy one here if you are so normal and appropriate while they keep running their mouth and throwing mud?
As I always say; “if someone’s going to be a jerk, let it be them!”

5. Who are you, and how do you want to be seen? Once something hits the internet, it’s very unlikely to be completely erased. I still get flashback memories on Facebook from during my divorce days and am either reminded of what a dark and sad time that was (but, yippee! I’m no longer living that!), or I shake my head and think “did I really say that out loud in front of hundreds of people?”

Think about it, if your kids aren’t on social media yet, they most likely will be one day, and it’s doubtful that you won’t want them to see where you posted that their dad was a hypocritical hot head (my bad). I recognized that I was letting social media become a little too much of my personal journal. In some ways I did want people to see what I said because I wanted to be able to tell my side. In other ways, I just needed someone to talk to. Figure out what your motivation is and decide if there might be a healthier way to fulfill your needs!

6. Drama is a turn off. Initially most people probably won’t be able to take their eyes off of the destruction that is your marriage. It’s like a horrific ten care pile-up that everyone driving past has to rubberneck to catch a glimpse of. The juicy details are tantalizing and awesome fodder for the gossip mill. I promise you, though, that before long most people do not, I repeat, do not want to hear about your divorce!

What divorcing people often need most at these frustrating times is an understanding ear to confide to. There is so much raw emotion, and it’s very healthy to release it. The problem is that most people are secretly freaked out by divorce. Many people will act as though you have a disease and they do not want to catch your cooties and infect their marriage. They will feel bad for you. They will want to help you in some way. They just can’t handle hearing hours of complaining and crying every time they see you.

So, if you are using social media to serve as your caring shoulder to unload on, expect some sympathy and support in the beginning; but, if you relentlessly spill poisonous blather about your ex and your miserable situation, don’t be surprised if, eventually, people start to unfriend or unfollow you. Either what you share or how you are saying it may easily become a major turn off, especially if they were friends with both of you.

7. From your keyboard to your ex’s ear. You may think your contacts on social media are your “friends”, but don’t be surprised if you have some rats among your friend list! During my divorce I went on a massive purge of my friend list of anyone who had a mutual connection to me and my ex because I found that things I said to my “friends” ended up being told back to him. I learned that it can be hard to know who you really can trust, so either tighten your circle, or zip your lips!

The suggestion to remain calm and quiet on social media during a divorce may sound like a tall order. It may require an iron resolve to ignore rumors and mistruths about your situation or to remain dignified in the face of turmoil. You may live to seriously regret sharing certain information or making disparaging comments about your ex or divorce online because, unlike Vegas, what happens on social media becomes everyone’s business!

The bottom line, and what finally brought me peace on this issue, is that when it comes down to it, the people who really matter will stand by you and believe you. If others will so easily be caught up in negative things about you, then you probably didn’t need them in your life!

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/dont-commit-social-media-suicide-during-your-divorce-dg/

Blaming social media for divorce is shortsighted

Social media has been increasingly blamed for marital disputes and divorce, not only in the UAE but around the world.

A recent US study, published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior, found a link between social media use and decreased marriage satisfaction. Researchers found that the use of social network sites is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and contemplating divorce.

In the UK, reports also say that social networks have become a significant threat to many marriages and a major factor in an increasing number of divorce cases. The law firm Slater and Gordon reported a rise in the number of clients who said that Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, Twitter, Whatsapp or other social media networks had played a part in their divorce.

In China, local lawyers say that popular social networks, such as Alibaba-backed Weibo and Tencent’s WeChat, have been fuelling the rise in the country’s divorce rates, which rose by 3.9 per cent to 3.6 million cases in 2014.

In this country, experts say that the situation is no different. A Dubai psychotherapist, Jared Alden, said in an interview with The National that social media has been one of the major reasons behind relationship problems, with "easily 85 per cent" of the couples who visit him suffering problems that could be related to social networks.

Local statistics across the Emirates show that divorce rates seem to be steadily increasing. The current generation seems to be more willing to file for a divorce than the generations before them. Current divorce rates, experts say, are comparable to Europe but growing faster.

Now the question is: are social networks really a "major reason" in marriage break-ups? Can such a relatively small factor alone lead to such a serious issue like divorce? Or does it only play a part in intensifying existing problems?

Divorce is one of the most complicated social issues. There are both general and specific local causes for high divorce rates.

UAE society is changing as the country develops. It’s true that social media is playing a role in altering young people’s perceptions of marriage, but so is popular culture, education, social interaction, globalisation and many other factors.

There are reasons to believe that social media plays a negative role in relationships. For example, social networks’ addictive qualities can create (or widen an existing) emotional distance between couples. It can also create an environment for misunderstanding or jealousy. It can open doors for comparisons that can lead to marriage dissatisfaction.
But doesn’t all this point to a deeper issue? If the relationship was strong and solid enough, would it be so affected by external factors? All those apparent causes of conflict linked to social media can actually occur offline. Social networks have only made it easier and faster for people to engage in them.

A married person can spend hours on social media websites talking to other people. The same person can also spend hours socialising offline or doing something else, if they are not keen enough to spend the time with their spouse.

Online social networks may help facilitate extramarital affairs by allowing people to connect with other people, including past lovers or people with similar interests, which may cause emotional and physical cheating that lead to divorce. But, again, doesn’t this mean there is already an issue of infidelity or lack of commitment?

What social media sites basically do is provide an environment for individuals in an already fragile or unstable relationships to escape their issues and find an alternative environment or a support system online. This doesn’t necessarily make them a major cause of marital problems.

There are deeper drivers of human and social behaviours that lead to conflict. And because conflict is inevitable in any human relationship, communication is always critical in resolving issues and protecting relationships from reaching a breaking point.

When it comes to Emirati society, it’s important to discuss the effect that arranged marriages have on the sustainability and success of marriage. One can argue that in such marriages, intellectual compatibility, and therefore good communication, between married couples is a matter of luck.

If a marriage is not based on understanding, on the harmonious sharing of thoughts, ideas and opinions and on compromise, the chances that it survives are very slim.

It’s easy to blame social networks for our problems, but it’s hard to dig deeper and try to understand the root causes. The truth is that online social media networks could only be a symptom if the relationship is already ill.

Source: http://www.thenational.ae/opinion/comment/blaming-social-media-for-divorce-is-shortsighted

Social Media Linked to Infidelity, Divorce

While Facebook apparently experiments with our emotions from time to time, most of the psychological damage we incur by using social media is probably self-inflicted. As evidence for this claim, I would draw your attention to new research that shows Facebook use is correlated with a number of “bad outcomes” for married couples, including a greater likelihood of infidelity and divorce.

The study, titled “Social network sites, marriage well-being, and divorce: Survey and state-level evidence from the United States” and published in Computers in Human Behavior, found that Facebook use is a “positive, significant predictor of divorce rate and spousal troubles,” according to researchers at Boston University and the Pontifical Catholic University of Chile’s School of Communications. Specifically, “Results show that using SNS is negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness, and positively correlated with experiencing a troubled relationship and thinking about divorce.”

In the first part of the study, the authors analyzed marriage and divorce data from 43 U.S. states from 2008-2010, then compared divorce rates with Facebook penetration over that period. Controlling for a range of economic, demographic, and psychological factors including employment status, age, and race, they found that every 20% increase in the number of Facebook users in a state was correlated to a 2.18% increase in the divorce rate for that state.

For the second part, the authors looked at data from a previous survey of 1,160 married individuals, ages 18-39 and including social media users and non-users, conducted by researchers at the University of Texas at Austin in 2011. Among other things the survey asked respondents whether they are happy in their relationship, if they had engaged in extramarital sex, and if they ever thought about getting divorced.

Overall respondents who didn’t use online social networks at all were 11.4% more likely to report being happy in their marriages than heavy users of social networks. Meanwhile heavy users were twice as likely to think about getting a divorce or leaving their spouse than non-users (32% versus 16%).

Boston University professor James E. Katz, who led the study, stated: “The apparent association between the use of Facebook and other social networking sites and divorce and marital unhappiness in the United States raises troubling questions not only about how we use these tools, but how their use affects marriage. The institution of marriage, already under siege in many quarters, seems to be facing yet further assault from people’s growing enthrallment with social media.”

Source: https://www.mediapost.com/publications/article/229441/social-media-linked-to-infidelity-divorce.html

Lessons from the end of a marriage

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Source: https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2015/04/26/7-areas-to-downsize-during-divorce/

How the trend for 'Facebragging' could be fuelling divorce

In years past the task of impressing one’s friends and neighbours involved the straightforward - if expensive - urge to rush out and buy the latest gadget or embark on some grand home improvement.

But in the age of social media, when Facebook timelines have become a parade of other people’s smiling babies, idyllic holidays, culinary miracles, marathon times or stellar career moves, those determined to equal or outdo their peers face a herculean task.

Now divorce lawyers say the trend for so-called “Facebragging” – using social media to show off under the guise of "sharing" news – is even helping fuel marital breakups as more couples succumb to pressure to live up to unrealistic expectations.

While the old maxim that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence has long been familiar to divorce lawyers, social media has helped take discontent to new levels, they believe.

The internet has previously been blamed for fuelling break-ups because people's bad behaviour was being exposed.

Now it appears an even greater stress on marriage comes from dissatisfied spouses looking online and seeing behaviour which is too good to be true.

Holly Tootill, a family lawyer with JMW Solicitors, which handles just over 300 divorces a year, said around one in five marital splits on the firm's books involve spouses complaining about their “imperfect” marriages.

Social media has became a major conduit for discontent and unrealistic expectations, she said.

“There is a relatively small percentage of cases in which individuals are encountering evidence of improper behaviour by their partners on social media,” she said.

“But it is, if you like, the volume and frequency of apparent perfection portrayed on platforms such as Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn and in lifestyle and entertainment magazines which is a far greater problem.

“Family, friends and businesses are so keen to use social media, in particular, as a means of promotion that spouses are being exposed to lots of very positive imagery.

“It all looks so glamorous and so very exciting that people make negative comparisons with their own home lives and their husbands or wives as a result.

“They seem unable to accept what they see as something of a show and not necessarily representative of daily reality for the majority of people.

“More and more clients tell us that they regret how their marriage isn’t perfect in the way that they were led to believe it might be.

“In our experience, the perception that they have failed to attain domestic perfection is rarely – if ever – the only factor in a divorce.

“The pressure which it creates, however, exacerbates existing tensions or fractures in relationships across almost all age groups.”

Photographs – often carefully selected to show people in the best light before being shared – can prove particularly toxic in some contexts, she added.

In some cases husbands or wives have put pressure on each other to be as glamorous as their friends’ spouses, as portrayed on social media.

“There are countless complaints about fitness and weight,” she said. “Couples are under so much pressure to maintain a perfect image.

“Some husbands have threatened to end their marriages and take up with someone else if their wives do not maintain the toned physiques of some of their peers on social media.
“Other marriages have fallen apart because of the strain which the economic downturn has had on the family’s lifestyle.

“As the recession hit, couples had to budget and, on one occasion, a spouse simply tired of having to buy counterfeit luxuries in order to keep up the appearances with those in their social circle as a result.”

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08/18/how-the-trend-for-facebragging-could-be-fuelling-divorce/

What Is Divorce Etiquette And How Can It Help?

You don’t often hear the words ‘divorce’ and ‘etiquette’ used together. When I hear the word ‘etiquette,’ I think manners, politeness, courtesies – again not things we usually associate with ending a marriage. And perhaps that’s exactly why so many people struggle to achieve a good divorce. So what is divorce etiquette and how can it help?

I’m not a fan of rule books but I do think being conscious about how you conduct yourself during divorce could help you better cope with the end of your marriage so you’ll feel less conscious, less awkward and avoid saying or doing things that you’ll regret later. If we did have more generally accepted guidelines on coping with divorce, then the breakups could be less disruptive not just for spouses but also for children, extended families, friends and coworkers. Who wouldn’t want that?

This episode of Conversations About Divorce is all about Divorce Etiquette and joining me for this fabulous conversation are Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell, authors of The Optimist’s Guide To Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create A New Life You Love.

What Is Divorce Etiquette?

When someone is going through a hard time, it’s part of our human nature to want to help. We often want to do something to let that person know we care. We want to do something to let that person know we’re sorry they’re in pain. But just like other difficult situations, we don’t want to say anything that will make the person feel worse.

Riss says, “When we are talking about divorce etiquette, we’re talking about making a difficult situation better rather than rubbing salt in the wound.”

It really comes down to acting with kindness and compassion in any situation. Setting that intention at the beginning of the process will guide you through the many points along the way when you have a choice. Riss says, “Make it your personal mission to treat them as you would like to be treated.”

Who Is Divorce Etiquette For?

Divorce etiquette applies to everyone whether that’s friends, family, children and especially your STBX. Both partners set the tone for the divorce and how you divorce, can be quite independent of your marriage. This means that you don’t have to carry over the level of disagreement and arguing from your marriage to your break up.

It’s important to think about this early, preferably before there’s even been a discussion about separating because it’s in that very first conversation that the tone of the break up starts to get set. There’ll be many points along the way where you’ll have the opportunity to reset the tone or reinforce it.

“We believe you can apply some rules for common decency with your partner as you go through the difficult process of separating,” said Riss.

Of course, treating your partner with respect doesn’t mean you’ll get the same back. Rockwell reminds us that you can’t control anyone else. However, “no matter how hard you are trying to be kind, understanding, compassionate, doesn’t mean that on that day, that argument, you’ll be getting that treatment back but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth maintaining that intention.”

You have to switch gears – once the marriage is over, you now have to work to transition your relationship with your STBX from a romantic partner to a business partner. That might be for the short term while you figure out the division of assets or it could be for a much longer period if you have children together.

Meeting Your STBX In Public

Meeting your STBX in public may be awkward, even embarrassing but there’s a high probability it’s going to happen. Knowing that means you can prepare.

“You have a choice at every step,” says Riss. “You can choose positive or negative.”
The example we talked about was what if both you and your STBX turn up at school to pick up your kids. Obviously, there’s been a miscommunication so what should you do?

“It’s best to try to work it out without embarrassing your kids,” says Riss. “If someone needs to be the bigger person, take on that role.” If that means you letting your STBX pick up the kids even though you’re convinced it’s your turn, so be it. Better that than having a brawl in the parking lot.

Another situation is when you arrive at your child’s event, maybe it’s a concert, maybe it’s a baseball game. Your STBX sees you and waves at you indicating they have a seat for you. Sitting next to them isn’t what you had in mind so what should you do?

Sockwell says how you handle this depends on whether your STBX is trying to control you. If it doesn’t feel safe for you to sit next to or near your STBX, then don’t. But otherwise, consider that your STBX maybe doing this with your child’s perspective in mind.

“If I were a child, I can’t think of anything I’d want more than to look out from the swimming pool, the stage or wherever I was performing, and see my parents together because they’re there not because they are in a relationship together but they’re there for me,” says Sockwell.

Friends Take Their Cues From You

Soon after my ex and I split up, one of our couple friends was hosting a cookout at their home. She called me and invited me and told me that they’d also invited my ex. She said that she and her husband liked us both, were friends with both of us and they didn’t want to choose who to invite so they were inviting both of us and leaving it up to us to figure out what we wanted to do.

This is a great model to follow but isn’t what typically happens.

Riss says the key word here is comfort. “People take their cues from you. If you’re comfortable, then the person asking you will feel relieved that you’re OK.”

Letting people know that you’re doing OK will make them feel comfortable inviting you to a social occasion.

There will be friends from whom you don’t hear. Sockwell’s straight-forward advice here is that if you’re missing a friend, then you reach out to them.

“Don’t assume they’re not reaching out to you because of what’s going on with you. They may have their own stressors or own health problems or their own separation. You never know,” says Sockwell.

Divorce is a difficult and uncomfortable topic and your friend not contacting you may be because they don’t know what to say. You taking the lead, can put your friend at ease and breakdown the barrier that threatens your friendship.

On the flip side, Riss recommends that if you know someone who is going through divorce, be proactive and let them know you’re there to support them.

Be Sensitive At Work

The workplace is a different environment. There, if you notice someone is not wearing their wedding ring, it may not be appropriate to comment in an open meeting. Sockwell says, “If they haven’t said anything, I’m not going to say anything because they’re probably doing what they can to hold it together.”

If they bring it up, then feel free to invite them to get together after work. If they don’t bring it up, then perhaps you can approach them in a private space to offer support.

If you’re going to need time off or flexibility for appointments, it’s a good idea to let your supervisor know what’s going on but Riss, recommends doing so once you can do it without breaking down in a flood of tears.

You may also want to consult with your HR department for guidance on how to handle changes to your benefit enrollments and also on company policy around name changes, if that’s going to apply to you.

Beware of Social Media

Both Riss and Sockwell agree that it’s very easy to post something to social media that you may regret later. Riss says, “Don’t react out of anger.” Social media is not the place to air your grievances. If you’re upset about something, call a friend and work through your anger another way.

Similarly, Sockwell recommends against posting updates that are calling for pity. She suggests keeping a journal and using that to work through your emotions.

Even though you may have blocked your STBX from seeing your posts, if you have friends in common then your STBX may still be able to see your posts through their feeds and that could end up hurting you.

Source: http://sincemydivorce.com/divorce-etiquette-can-help/

How to Immediately Deal with the Loneliness of Divorce

Knowing how to deal with loneliness will make getting through your divorce much easier. 

These 6 tips could be exactly what you need to stop feeling so alone.

Losing your marriage to divorce is one of the most difficult losses you’ll ever experience. What you’ve lost is so much more than just a marriage. Among so many losses, you’ve also lost a way of life, your dreams for the future, and your sense of belonging.

Despite the family and friends who are reaching out to help and support you as you struggle to make sense of your new reality, the truth is you’ve never felt so isolated and alone. You just don’t quite feel like you fit into the world now like you did when you were married. Learning how to deal with loneliness is a normal (but really miserable) part of divorce. But where do you start? Obviously, you don’t want to start with any philosophical statements about how dealing with loneliness is good for you. Where you need to start learning how to deal with loneliness is with things that you can do to immediately start feeling better.

Here are 6 tips to help you on your path to discovering how you can deal with the loneliness you’re experiencing:

Set a timer for 20 minutes and check out social media.

OK, this is a tricky one and that’s why you need to set a timer. Social media can help you feel more connected with people and that’s what we’re going for here. BUT social media can also make you feel lonelier if you’re using it to do things like compare your life to someone else’s or stalking your ex. So long as you’re using it purely to have a sense of positive connection, social media is a great way to assuage your isolation.

Pick up your phone and text or call someone.

Reaching out to a loved one when you’re feeling lonely is one of the easiest and quickest ways to deal with loneliness. There’s an immediate connection that can pull you back from the unwelcome solitude you’ve been struggling with. (Of course, this may not work so well in the middle of the night.)

Turn on the TV or radio.

Regardless of what time of day it is, there are always TV and radio stations broadcasting. When I was learning how to deal with loneliness after my divorce, I almost always had either the TV or radio on when I was home –just for the noise. The sound made my home feel less empty which helped me to feel less alone.

Know that the profound loneliness you’re feeling is a normal part of divorce.

Although very few of the emotions you’ll experience as you heal from your divorce will feel normal, the loneliness that you’re struggling with right now is completely normal and expected. Knowing that it’s OK and even expected that you’ll feel lonely as you work through the end of your marriage could increase your acceptance of it. And by accepting the loneliness as just a part of the divorce process, the stress and misery of it will decrease just a bit.

Shift your focus away from what was and what you could have, should have or would have done.

When you’re dealing with the loneliness of divorce, it’s really easy to slip from feeling lonely to beating yourself up for what might have been if only you had done something different. And the more the beat yourself up, the lonelier you feel. So go ahead and distract yourself from these thoughts of could have, should have and would have and you’ll notice that your loneliness lightens.

Do something that feels especially nurturing.

When you’re feeling sad and all alone, one of the best ways to pull yourself out of it is to baby yourself. Do something that feels incredibly loving and indulgent. When you do, you just might find yourself shifting a bit from feeling lonely to enjoying a little bit of alone time.
Hopefully, these 6 tips are exactly what you need to help you know just how to deal with your loneliness. And then again, maybe they aren’t.

If they weren’t that’s OK, because they’ve provided you with some inspiration for the creating your plan for what to do when your loneliness hits.

Either way, knowing how you’ll deal with one of the most miserable parts of one of the most difficult things you’ll ever experience will go a long way to helping you to find your way through all the losses of divorce.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-immediately-deal-with-the-loneliness-of-divorce-wcz/

8 Ways to Finally Stop Wasting Your Time Hating Your Ex

Hating your ex is only hurting you.

You’ve done it! You’ve finally created a post-divorce life for yourself that you love. And honestly, things are absolutely perfect. Well, perfect except for one thing – you still hate your ex.

Hating your ex for a while as you heal from your divorce is part of the process. But when the hatred doesn’t abate despite moving on in every other way, it’s time to re-evaluate the energy you’re continuing to invest in the animosity.

The fact that you still hate your ex reflects all the hurt you felt about the end of your marriage and/or your ex’s behavior before, during and after the end. And these are valid reasons to seriously dislike, mistrust, and/or wish your ex would fall off the face of the planet.

But the more time, effort and emotional energy you spend hating your ex, the less time, effort and emotional energy you have for you and your nearly perfect new life. And seriously, your ex doesn’t deserve any more of you, do they?

So now it’s time to put the detestation behind you and stop investing in the past.

Here are 8 tips to help you move on if you still hate your ex:

Get Grateful.

Start focusing on what’s good about your life now. Any time your mind wanders to the past and what did or didn’t happen, remember that today you’ve got a great life and shift your attention to what’s good.

Take a time-out from technology.

Being connected is a fact of life and has its benefits and detriments. And technology has a couple significant drawbacks when you’re still hating your ex.

First, the ability to connect 24/7 increases the likelihood of yet another argument with your ex. Second, the ability to keep tabs on what your ex is doing.

Neither of these is necessary or good for you, so do what you have to do to eliminate being constantly connected to your ex and the temptation to cyberstalk them.

Curb the caffeine.

Caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline which stimulates the fight, flight or freeze response. So when you know you will need to interact with your ex, cut down on your caffeine consumption and you’ll find that you are more able to keep your cool.

Stop the negative self-talk.

When you load yourself up with negativity about you, it’s really easy to want to shift the focus (and blame) from you to your ex which only exacerbates your extreme dislike. So learn to stop the negative chatter about you and you’ll start being less vulnerable to your ex’s antics.

Get sufficient slumber.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that if you don’t get enough sleep, you tend are grumpier the next day.

Well, if you’ve already got plenty of reasons for still hating your ex, then cheating yourself out of the rest and recovery that sleep offers will just make you that much more prone to continuing your hatred because you’re too exhausted to try something different.

Change your perspective.

You’ve already had to change your perspective about so many things because of your divorce. Choosing to change how you feel about your ex is just another one of the perspectives you’ll be better off changing that continuing to center on.

(And changing your perspective doesn’t mean that you’re going to forget. It just means that you’re not going to focus on the negativity anymore.)

Set boundaries.

There’s no reason why you can’t come up with appropriate limits to how and when you will engage with your ex.

(Obviously, if you have kids your engagement with your ex will be much greater than if you don’t.)

Stay aware of your emotions.

Hate is a very strong emotion. When you’re stuck hating your ex, it’s very easy for the hatred to seem to take on a life of its own. That’s when you know you have a habit, an unconscious reflexive emotion of hatred toward your ex.

By staying aware of your emotions, you’ll be able to catch yourself in the habit of hostility and choose to change your thoughts as you consciously move on from hating your ex.
Employing these 8 tips won’t cause you to immediately stop hating your ex. But they will get you on the correct path for finally moving past the hatred and hurt.

And if you find that after working these 8 tips on your own for a while that you’re still stuck hating your ex, then it’s time to reach out for some help. There are plenty of divorce professionals who can help you overcome your hatred.

Your time is precious – arguably the most precious resource you have. You’ve already invested so much time into your ex and the marriage you had. You don’t need to continue to spend any more of your life hating your ex.

You deserve to fully enjoy the wonderful new life you’ve created for yourself without your ex ever taking anymore undeserved focus again.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/8-ways-to-finally-stop-wasting-your-time-hating-your-ex-wcz/

46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and Guide

Divorce recovery describes the all encompassing process of emotional and practical restructuring and healing throughout the phases of divorce. It is a constant, cyclical process in which you are broken down and built back up numerous times until finally, you are whole again. Divorce recovery is painful, yes, but it is also an opportunity.

STEPS YOU CAN TAKE
Based on our background in education and our divorce recovery practice, we’ve identified three phases of divorce (contemplating, navigating, and recovering) and suggest the following concrete steps you can take throughout them to best ensure your full divorce recovery. As you complete each step you will be one step closer to your reconnection with self, independence, and true healing.
No matter what phase you are in, if you are mindful of your divorce recovery, our advice to you is…

1. Accept that it’s okay right now to not have all the answers. Your job is to begin to study and learn what is possible for your life.
2. Avoid making any radical decisions for at least a year after your divorce. The self-discovery curve is too steep during your divorce recovery. Chances are you are going to learn things you don’t know about yourself. So give yourself some time before you move to Tahiti. You may end up wishing you’d just moved down the street.
3. Forgive yourself if you are scared. It’s to be expected. You didn’t major in “divorce” in college. How can you possibly know what your life after divorce might mean?
4. Make a list of your most critical financial questions. Do you know where you stand today? What are your assets? How much debt do you have? What are your near and far term financial goals? How do you get a job if you are facing your fifties?
5. Help your children along their divorce recovery path by getting educated and taking action for you and them. At times your children might surprise you with their maturity and resilience. Other times they’re so angry or withdrawn it worries you. Understand your children’s recovery path is not the same as yours. They are not going to see or feel the same things as you. Read books (for you, and to them). Look for more resources, like your children’s school or a child therapist, to help you understand how your children are coping and recovering from the divorce. Learn the difference between what is appropriate and what requires your immediate attention.
6. Understand that you are grieving (or you will be, at some point) and that this is your own, unique divorce recovery path. Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of anykind. While you may not feel you are grieving the loss of the person you divorced (you may actually be happy about that) you will likely grieve the loss of hopes and dreams that you had for your life. It’s a confusing time, because at the heart of grief is a mixture of emotions. You might feel incredibly free and exhilarated one moment, lonely and terrified the next, and hollow or despairing the next. This is the nature of grief, and it’s necessary to acknowledge ALL of those feelings as normal and acceptable.
7. Appreciate that divorce recovery takes time. While nobody knows exactly how long (some researchers say 17 months, others insist it’s three to five years) we know that to advance through the divorce recovery process it requires intention. You must do something. (Check! You are reading this list now!) It’s far less about signing the divorce decree than it is about recovering a sense of homeostasis and positivity.
8. Be careful in whom you confide – this includes family. Few people can be objective, and fewer still are marriage or divorce experts. Yet, there are plenty of opinions and judgements. Just because your neighbor got burned by his ex, it does not mean that’s what’s in store for you.
9. At the same time, don’t isolate yourself. This is not the time to try and figure it out alone. The decisions to make are too big and too important. This is a good time to invest in your divorce recovery by surrounding yourself with people skilled in helping you.
10. Connect with your friend(s). You need support, understanding, and accountability. You need someone who will listen and suspend his/her own judgment. You might need practical things too, like someone to watch the kids when you have appointments or you need space to simply clear your head.
11. Make a list of your most critical practical questions. Where and how should you live would certainly be one of them. Is it better to keep the house, or sell it and rent? Who is going to care for the house or the car, or the laundry for that matter when your ex is gone? How can you get a job if you need to be home with the kids? (You will see some questions live on multiple lists.)
12. Make a list of your most critical legal questions. Maybe you are finished with the divorce but you must put a new will in place, or now, you’ve just been named Power of Attorney for your aging mother. What does that mean?
13. Make a list of your emotional concerns. What are your fears? Is it the prospect of being alone? Is it how your divorce will hurt your kids? Do you worry you might burn out your friends, because you sound like a whiny, broken record? Write these down.
14. Reach out for professional, compassionate support. There are a lot of resources for divorce these days. The thing you should know first and foremost, you should not try to do this alone. A certified divorce coach can help you before, during, and/or after the divorce (and no, talking to one does not mean you are necessarily getting divorced). A coach can help you with many of the questions keeping you up at night (Can you afford a divorce? How do you break the news to the kids? How will you cope when your ex has the kids?) and s/he can help you identify your choices (Is mediation right for you? What financial preparations should you have in place for living independently?). A good divorce coach will also help you take your smartest steps (How do you learn to coparent? Go back to work? Change jobs? Will you ever have the capacity to love again?)
15. Seek to get educated on what’s possible for you. Ask friends or professionals you trust for referrals. Look for experts who can help you answer all your questions. Consider working with those pros (lawyers, real estate brokers, financial, or career advisors) who understand divorce recovery and the rebuilding process, and who seem willing and patient to teach you — and not just talk at you.
16. Make a list of your other, helping professionals. What other professionals do you need to speak to, if not now, eventually? Who will teach you how to do things your mate used to do? For easy reference, pull together a list of professionals you think you’ll need, like a computer tutor, plumber, locksmith, CPA, electrician, gardener, etc. — for when the time comes.
17. Come to understand that divorce is a whole life challenge, or as we like to say, “Divorce is a business transaction. How you pick up the pieces and rebuild your life is the mind body challenge.” Evaluate your financial, legal, practical and emotional questions above and notice how divorce has impacted all aspects of your life.
18. Try tuning into your body. What is your body telling you about your situation? Are your shoulders locked up near your ears? Do you feel like you are suffocating? Are you experiencing panic attacks or getting sick more than usual? How are you sleeping? Try to find ways to take care of yourself and relieve some of the anxiety before it starts to undermine your health.
19. Again, forgive yourself if you are panicking or just feeling numb. Your body is trying to communicate with you that “something is not right.” Tell your body you will try to listen more going forward.
20. Starting now, take notes on when you begin to feel certain pains, aches, and headaches. What are the circumstances leading up to these symptoms?
21. Go to the doctor and get a full physical if you are overdue. Review with your doctor your list of issues if you have them, and share insights to your stress. Get your annual mammogram if you are a forty or older woman (and we recommend a 3D mammogram, and if your breasts are dense, a sonogram). If you are a man, when was the last time you went to a doctor? You must take care of yourself because who else is going to?
22. Be careful how you self-medicate to deal with the stress and aches and trying circumstances you are experiencing. Numbing yourself could prevent you from being levelheaded as you start to learn what is new and possible for your life.
23. Watch out for where you vent and be wary of social media. If you say something online, it’s there forever and can be used against you. Same for emails. Before posting or hitting SEND, review what you are saying as if you were a judge. Be very careful.
24. Find a way to process what you are going through. Are you meeting with a divorce coach or therapist regularly? Are you connecting with your friends? Are you journaling? Who is keeping you tethered as you go through this roller coaster of pain and upheaval? Often we find solutions or at least new perspectives when we are forced to process out loud or on paper. What works best for you?
25. To help you feel anchored, get organized. Start evaluating what you do and do not need and begin purging. Organize your important papers and documents, for example, and list all passwords and login instructions to accounts. Keep that newly minted list in a safe place.
26. Don’t let the negative voices control you. When we are feeling low, it’s easy to let those negative voices grow deafening.“You failed.You are toast. No one will ever love you again.” Listening to those voices only keeps you in a dark place. So, tell them to hush.
27. Create a budget. It’s important to understand how much you take in and spend each month. In addition to the obvious (rent/mortgage, car payment, utilities) don’t forget to factor in things like dry cleaning, haircuts, coffees, and vacation expenditures, etc.
28. Face your loneliness. Now that you are no longer under the same roof as your ex, you are likely confronted with empty space. There you are left facing yourself. Take heart, that’s exactly where you are supposed to be. This is often the time you start really processing what role you played in the demise of the relationship, a necessary part to your full divorce recovery. And if you are not feeling grief, be prepared for it to hit you sometime.
29. When the grief hits you, just be with it. Or make a list of all the things (material and not) you have lost. It surely is a lot. Now that you are looking at the list, give it some attention. Maybe you didn’t love your ex so much in the end. This makes you feel conflicted. So you are not grieving her as much as you are grieving the end of the fantasy, the identity you both built, the loss of what you invested in and co-created. That is a tragic loss. And for some people, we need to really ponder and be with that loss for a while.
30. Look for Meet Up or support groups for like-minded people. Identify groups that are facilitated by a therapist or coach and be cautious of groups that focus on complaining.
31. Embrace the discovery process. Now is an opportunity to get comfortable in your new skin — but how can you get comfortable if you don’t even know who you are anymore or what you want? Get excited, it’s exhilarating to discover what you want and who you are in this next chapter.
32. Live. Explore. Try things on. Who do you want to be now that you’ve grown up? If you could do anything, what would that look like? Write down your ideas and see how many you can realize. No more pushing them aside, it’s time to try them out.
33. Write your divorce story. If you still feel at a loss, you can’t get out of bed, start writing. Begin with your earliest memory of divorce and move into telling the story of your own divorce. What did you already know about divorce when it came up with your spouse? Did you have preconceived notions about what divorce should look like? How has your divorce changed the way you think?
34. Find a way to exercise everyday so your brain chemistry has a chance to relax and rebuild you. Your primary relationship is with your body, your being. Maybe you cannot get to the gym, but can you make sure you walk every day? The Center for Disease Control recommends 7,000 to 8,000 steps per day to see health benefits. Consider a fitness tracker or app on your phone to help you work up to your goal.
35. Understand your social landscape is going to change. Sometimes it’s tough when you are recovering from divorce to hang out with the same friends you shared as a couple. Some friends will invite you out and you’ll feel like a third wheel. Other friends don’t know what to do, so they don’t invite you at all. You’ll meet new friends as well. Your social world will experience a bit of a shake up and then it will resettle into place. Be open to the changes.
36. Open your eyes to new adventures and friends. You may find your interests change or you’ll have a desire to do something you never really thought about before. Perhaps you’ll go to Cuba! Or a new friend will introduce you to rock climbing, or you’ll take your bike out of storage and dust it off.This is a time of exploration.
37. Reconnect with old friends. As you recover from divorce, you may realize that some of your old friends fell off the radar, perhaps because life got too busy or because your spouse never really got along with them. Don’t you wonder what they are up to these days? Now it’s easier than ever with social media to find those old friends. Surprise yourself and them. Rekindle your connections with those you miss and could never forget.
38. Do things alone. Part of your grieving is being alone with yourself and rediscovering you. Welcome chances to dine out alone, travel alone, see movies alone… this is part of understanding the difference between what it is to be lonely vs. alone and being okay with that.
39. Be sexually educated. A 2010 study of sexual health from Indiana University found the lowest rates of condom use were among people ages 45 and older, because older people may think they cannot get pregnant or are not at risk for STD’s. Yet according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the numbers of older people with HIV has nearly doubled. People aged 55 and older accounted for 26% of all Americans living with diagnosed or undiagnosed HIV infection in 2013. Be safe. Wear a rain jacket.
40. Recognize the dating world has changed. Don’t let online dating scare you. Connect with someone who can help you with this and who can also laugh with you. Maybe your funny, kind girlfriend can take pictures of you and help you draft your online profile? Go ahead if it feels right. Enjoy it.
41. Do be careful of your kids in terms of introducing a new person too soon. Remember, your kids are recovering from this divorce, too. They don’t need to be introduced to everyone you have dinner with. Instead, wait until a relationship becomes significant and you think this person might be around awhile. Have an age appropriate conversation with your children: first, to tell them about your new friend, and then to introduce him/her.
42. Or don’t have a romantic relationship at all. Have you skipped from one relationship to the next your whole entire life? Well, stop. Your job isn’t to scramble to find your next partner if you aren’t ready or don’t want one. Work it and enjoy your independence!
43. Understand and appreciate you are part of a new world. Divorce is changing. The stigma is losing it’s grip, the landscape is shifting, and it’s for you to determine who you will be. There will be times that you feel a little out of control. With the damp wings of a butterfly drying, you will be a little unstable, but you are coming out of a cocoon.
44. Stretch yourself. The divorce certainly took you out of your comfort zone in a not so pleasant way, so why not seek ways to stretch yourself that are more fun? Go master the Tango by Air BnB’ing it in Buenos Aires! Go skydiving! Or buy the pickup truck you’ve always wanted and head fly-fishing. Just go.
45. Allow yourself to trust again. This can be a tough part of your divorce recovery, because surely you’ve been disappointed, hurt, or even crushed along the way. But as you take these steps, you will feel better. You will meet good people and realize that you are able to trust again. You may even open your heart to love again.
46. Remember opening to love means loving yourself first. It comes full circle. In order to fully recover from your divorce, you must give yourself a chance to grieve, to rebuild, to discover, to heal, and to love.

Source: https://sasforwomen.com/divorce-recovery/