Co-parenting with your ex is often the hardest part of divorce. Here, two experts (both divorced moms themselves) share hard-won advice on creating a strong partnership.
1. Don't Despair, Accept
"People are so worried that splitting up will destroy their children's lives," says Wendy Paris, author of Splitopia: Dispatches from Today's Good Divorce and How to Part Well. But what kids really need to thrive, you can provide: Basic resources, stability, and parents who set limits, who are attentive, and who express love. "Children are going to be sad over a divorce, but the fact is that many things that happen in children's lives are upsetting."
If your son cries that he doesn't want to go to Daddy's house, "accompany" him in his emotions, says Paris. Acknowledge how difficult it must be for him. Then help shift his mindset by saying something like, "You're lucky to have a great Dad and I bet you'll have fun once you see him."
2. Think Quality Over Quantity
"You have a lot of control over the relationship you have with your child," says Paris, "and intimacy isn't based just on the number of hours you spend with him." In fact, Paris recommends not getting too hung up on a perfectly even 50/50 split between both parents. Instead, figure out a schedule that makes the most sense for everyone, and have confidence that you will be able to keep a close bond with your kids no matter what.
When she first divorced, Paris's son slept in her townhouse every night since he was just four years old, and her ex lived in a studio apartment. But to stay connected, her ex came by every day to take his son to school. In a move that earns them a co-parenting gold star, Paris and her ex shared Sunday dinner together with their son.
3. Keep Reviewing Logistics
As important as it is to set up a stable schedule, circumstances will continue to change, so be ready to renegotiate the details with your ex periodically. Paris checks in with her hers at the start of each school semester. To help her son feel more in control, she gave him his own big calendar on which he stamps "Mommy" days with a dolphin and "Daddy" days with a shark.
4. Cope with Loneliness
Time apart from your kids can be excruciatingly painful. Let yourself grieve this loss at first, says Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist and senior fellow at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and the author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Then, fill the hours with activities that will make you the best parent you can be when you are with your kids: See your friends, exercise, get rest, and pursue hobbies that bring you joy. "It's always hard in the beginning, but having time for yourself is a silver lining of divorce," Carter says.
When your kids are with your ex, don't crash on their party because you miss them. Instead, find ways to see them without interfering: Since her ex would have otherwise had to hire a babysitter to do it, Carter picked up her daughters from school and dropped them at his house. She did him a favor and got a little time with her girls.
Don't forget to bring the friends you've been cultivating back into the fold when your kids are with you, adds Paris. "Single moms can isolate and not ask for help, but it's great for kids to have relationships with other adults." Members of Paris's synagogue come over to the house regularly. "It shows my son that he's part of a larger circle that cares about us."
5. Learn to Work with Your Ex
If you don't get along with your ex, reframe the situation by thinking of him as a colleague you dislike, says Carter. You may never be friends, but you'll have to learn how to solve problems together.
Meet in person when making big decisions, if possible, and keep a picture of your children right in front of you to stay focused on your shared higher purpose. Carter even recommends sitting on the same side of a table, rather than in opposition.
6. Tame Your Temper
Don't start texting or emailing when your ex does something that upsets you. "I keep a running list of grievances on my computer," says Paris, "and by the time I talk to my ex, most of them no longer seem important enough to bring up."
It's conventional wisdom by now to not disparage your ex in front of the kids, but that's easier said than done. "Remember that your child is half her father. When you call him a jerk, you're essentially calling her that," says Carter. Insulting and criticizing your ex won't get him to change his behavior anyway. "Most bad behavior comes from a wound or a misunderstanding."
Kind words can go a long way toward healing those hurts. Paris has heard many stories of how a co-parenting relationship drastically improved after one person issued a sincere apology to the other over a past conflict, or offered true praise of the other's parenting skills or other efforts.
7. Befriend His New Love
"Remarriage is the Russian Roulette of divorce," Carter says. Someone you have not vetted will be spending time raising your child—a thought that fills many parents with terror. "The unknown is scarier than the known," Carter says, so ask to meet the new girlfriend or spouse. Show vulnerability by telling her what worries you have, and ask about her expectations with regard to your kids. Being open and transparent can pave the way for a closer relationship and make it easier for your kids to be close to her, too. "The best case scenario is that your children form a secure attachment to her. That will make them happier in the long run." When her ex began dating his now-wife, Carter felt deflated after her daughters came home chattering excitedly about this woman who, yes, owns a horse AND teaches ice-skating. Despite feeling threatened, Carter forced herself to invite the woman over, and in time came to see her as a strong role model for her daughters. "On Mother's Day, I wrote her a long letter explaining how grateful I am that she's so awesome."
8. Stay Hopeful
After you've been through the ugliness of a split, your relationship with your ex might improve, says Paris. Some of his traits can now benefit your kids, without imposing on you. (They have someone to take them camping!) Even seeing a counselor together, an option for when you can't work out a co-parenting dilemma by yourselves, could prove much more effective this time around. "When you're trying to fix your marriage, you're aiming for a total personality overhaul," Paris says. "In divorce, you're just trying to change discrete behaviours."
Source: http://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/children/tips-for-better-co-parenting-after-divorce/
Divorce lawyer Ayesha Vardag explains how she coped during her first Christmas alone
A few months ago I stumbled upon an old home video. It was from Christmas 1999, the era of fear over millennium bugs, of not talking about Fight Club and, as per my favourtie Cher song at the time, asking whether I believed in life after love.
Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews were singing But Baby It’s Cold Outsideand in the video I was dancing in my pyjamas with my two little boys, then four and two, around our Christmas tree, laughing, unwrapping presents, looking the picture of happiness.
But the reality was, it was one of the most sorrowful times of my life because I was in the middle of a divorce.
We’d had months of hideous to-ing and fro-ing of abortive reconciliation. We’d both got involved in other relationships to escape from the pain of breaking up with the person we had thought five years before was the love of our lives.
I’d messed my new thing up royally but perhaps even more distressingly for me, my ex’s new romance was going along nicely. We’d had an excruciating last family trip to the bleaks of Norfolk and a thoroughly weird attempt at making up involving a tryst in a nudist Lido in Moscow, which was pretty unexpected.
But that Christmas, our marriage was truly over. The lawyers were flexing their muscles, and I didn’t even know if the kids and I could stay in our home.
I used to sit in the dark in the garden after my little boys had gone to bed, chain-smoking, drowning my sorrows in red wine and crying whenever I heard Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s Power of Love. I was so miserable and scared about the future that I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Every morning I woke up with a gut-wrenching horror as the sense of loss flooded back in. Loss not only of the apparently great love that had turned, in ways I couldn’t fathom, so cold, angry and lonely, but also of all my dreams of a 'normal' family.
As the only child of a divorced single mother, I had desperately longed for a stable, conventional home. When my husband and I met we fell so madly in love that we got engaged five weeks from our first date. It was a dream come true. He was handsome and clever and funny, we were successful together and we had two beautiful sons.
But it didn't work out and I was so stuck on my desire to live out that dream of a lifelong love, of a two-parent family, that I hung onto it all long after I should have let it go. Hence I found myself in the garden, alone, surrounded by fag ends, singing along to My Heart Will Go On from Titanic.
Christmas puts all that under a microscope. There’s so much pressure to make it merry, fun and happy, especially for children. It meant that facing it that first year after my divorce, from my pit of despair, with an empty place at the table, was terrifying. How could I make a Christmas for the boys, when our family had collapsed around our ears?
My mother, away in the country, wanted us to come to her. It was so tempting. She offered warm Anglo-Scottish hospitality, great food and a whole infrastructure of Christmas cheer. The pull of going back to Oxfordshire, where I’d grown up, to familiarity and support, was so strong that I even thought of moving back there all together, London behind me. The whole package looked great.
But there was a little voice that told me I had to resist all that. Not only should I avoid the seduction of going back to live near my mother, which would feel for me, perhaps irrationally, like a regressive step - instead I should stick my neck out and make that first Christmas work completely on my own.
I’d toddle the boys up the road to help me drag back a tree, I’d go out and buy us traditional food and cook it, we’d curl up on the sofa and watch the Teletubbies and Some Like it Hot. I would prove to the boys and to myself that we were a family, the three of us; that we could have fun and be happy together even without anyone else.
Somehow, that push to make our first post-break-up Christmas great for the boys got me out of my damp chain-smoking hell of self-pity and back in the game. Even if you feel destroyed, even if you want to cry all the time, I challenge you to dance around your sitting room with two toddlers eating chocolate money and singing your heart out to Fairytale of New York without feeling instantly better. Looking at that video, we were all smiling, we were giggling, we were just so happy together.
That was the watershed for me – that was when I knew I was going to make it through the dark times. Just doing Christmas myself, making it work, made me feel so much stronger and so much less afraid of being alone. Forcing yourself out for those who love you and depend on you – and if it’s not children it’s whatever family you’ve made among your friends or community – making Christmas for them and not feeling you need to run away and hide; accepting that the family you have, even if it’s just you and a couple of babies or beloved friends, can be a fantastic family all on its own, that’s the key to survival.
I’m not going to tell you how to do it, if you’re going it alone for the first time. It might be a morning in the pub with friends, cocktails on a beach or hiking through the rainforest. You find the things that will work for you and yours. What matters is to grab that first Christmas on your own, don’t just get through it - really make it something you feel proud of.
I remember talking to the boys around the time they were first going to school, and telling them that yes, my heart had broken when I split up with their Dad, but that they, and they alone, had mended it with their love. They've always remembered that and have sometimes quoted it back to me, and, Polyanna-ish as it may be, it feels so, so true. And that Christmas morning was when it started.
Now, I’m getting ready for the bumper giant Christmas that, nearly 15 years on, my lovely (new) husband and I have planned for his two children and my three (having added a daughter in the meantime). We’re all enjoying the big, solid, family life edifice with which I've somehow been blessed.
But I still look back on that old video, where I was alone with my babies on Christmas day in the midst of devastation, and I remember it as a golden moment. One of my life’s most important moments. Because it was the day I realised that I was enough. Just me.
And that I could make new dreams, for myself and my loved ones. Just knowing that changed everything.
Source: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/11310567/Divorce-How-I-survived-my-first-Christmas-afterwards.html
My ex and I separated in January which left me the entire year to worry about what the Christmas season would mean for our children and me. I’m a lover of all things Christmas, the decorating, the food and getting together with family and friends. The holidays had always been a time of celebration and family in our home.
What the hell would that first Christmas be like as a divorced, single mom who was feeling anything but the holiday “spirit?”
If you are divorced Christmas may be a corner you aren’t looking forward to turning. Most people happily anticipate the holiday season but for some it is a period of loneliness, isolation, depression, conflict over visitation schedules and more time thinking about an ex you don’t want to think about.
And, that is OK; it is alright to have all the feelings above and then some. I promise, you are not alone, there are many out there dreading Thanksgiving, Christmas and all that comes along with it. Don’t get me wrong though, just because it is OK to feel sad is no reason to wallow in the sadness.
If there is ever a time of year to put aside life’s stress it is during the holiday season. How do you get yourself out of your funk? One thing that has always worked for me is to let go of the guilt I feel over feeling less than festive.
It has been my experience that feeling bad about feeling bad only made me feel worse. It was like piling one more negative emotion to deal with on top of everything else. If you are divorced and feeling alone and funked you are experiencing normal feelings. Accept that it is fine to feel how you’re feeling…berating yourself over valid feelings doesn’t do anything except make you feel worse.
You need to also give yourself permission to enjoy the holiday season regardless of what kind of adversity you have or, are experiencing. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t have to become a foregone conclusion. Just because you aren’t feeling the holiday season is no reason to immerse yourself in maudlin activities while others are out and about enjoy the holidays.
Here are a few suggestions that will hopefully help alleviate some stress and help you feel a bit more of the holiday spirit.
4 Tips To Help You Survive Your First Post-Divorce Christmas:
1. Don’t wait until the last minute to set up the holiday visitation schedule with your ex. Get all those plans made by the end of October. Set them in stone! Know when, where and who your children will be with for Thanksgiving and Christmas and then put that stress aside. Get it taken care of then let it go.
2. Don’t participate in any holiday activities you feel obligated to participate in. If you aren’t in the mood to be around nosy relatives, then make a different choice. Listening to Grandma’s complaints or having to answer your cousin’s questions about your divorce can be nerve wracking. Be kind to your nerves and yourself!
3. Friends who supported you through your divorce, who know what you’ve been through will also get you through the holiday season. Spend time with people who are invested in helping your get the most out of life…who better than close friends who don’t expect too much from you.
4. If you find yourself alone, remind yourself that you have a right to a good time. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone one year. I wasn’t looking forward to it but now that I look back I realize that, although alone it was one darn good time.
Being alone for the holidays doesn’t mean you can’t hang some ornaments on a tree. Or decorate the mantle. You don’t have to go all out and deck every hall but bringing out reminders of the fact that it is a “time to be jolly” will be doing yourself a favour.
I purchased scented candles and the holiday scents waffled through the house. I baked Snicker Doodles, took a bubble bath while listening to Emmylou Harris’s “Light of the Stable.” I then watched chick flicks from a bed with clean, crisp sheets and a plate of cookies and a glass of eggnog on the night stand. I missed my children but I took the opportunity to give myself the gift of relaxation and pampering instead of ruminating over the fact I was alone and not doing exactly what I wanted to do.
Stress and negative feelings during the holidays can be difficult, but they don’t have to be debilitating. Making time to relax and do the things you enjoy is essential to keeping a balance. When the holidays finally arrive, remind yourself that you have as much right to a good time as anyone else, and relax and enjoy the occasion to the best of your ability. And whether you feel like it or not, you do have the ability to enjoy the holidays regardless of your situation.
Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/how-to-take-the-bahumbug-out-of-your-first-postdivorce-christmas/
Knowing how to deal with loneliness will make getting through your divorce much easier.
These 6 tips could be exactly what you need to stop feeling so alone.
Losing your marriage to divorce is one of the most difficult losses you’ll ever experience. What you’ve lost is so much more than just a marriage. Among so many losses, you’ve also lost a way of life, your dreams for the future, and your sense of belonging.
Despite the family and friends who are reaching out to help and support you as you struggle to make sense of your new reality, the truth is you’ve never felt so isolated and alone. You just don’t quite feel like you fit into the world now like you did when you were married. Learning how to deal with loneliness is a normal (but really miserable) part of divorce. But where do you start? Obviously, you don’t want to start with any philosophical statements about how dealing with loneliness is good for you. Where you need to start learning how to deal with loneliness is with things that you can do to immediately start feeling better.
Here are 6 tips to help you on your path to discovering how you can deal with the loneliness you’re experiencing:
Set a timer for 20 minutes and check out social media.
OK, this is a tricky one and that’s why you need to set a timer. Social media can help you feel more connected with people and that’s what we’re going for here. BUT social media can also make you feel lonelier if you’re using it to do things like compare your life to someone else’s or stalking your ex. So long as you’re using it purely to have a sense of positive connection, social media is a great way to assuage your isolation.
Pick up your phone and text or call someone.
Reaching out to a loved one when you’re feeling lonely is one of the easiest and quickest ways to deal with loneliness. There’s an immediate connection that can pull you back from the unwelcome solitude you’ve been struggling with. (Of course, this may not work so well in the middle of the night.)
Turn on the TV or radio.
Regardless of what time of day it is, there are always TV and radio stations broadcasting. When I was learning how to deal with loneliness after my divorce, I almost always had either the TV or radio on when I was home –just for the noise. The sound made my home feel less empty which helped me to feel less alone.
Know that the profound loneliness you’re feeling is a normal part of divorce.
Although very few of the emotions you’ll experience as you heal from your divorce will feel normal, the loneliness that you’re struggling with right now is completely normal and expected. Knowing that it’s OK and even expected that you’ll feel lonely as you work through the end of your marriage could increase your acceptance of it. And by accepting the loneliness as just a part of the divorce process, the stress and misery of it will decrease just a bit.
Shift your focus away from what was and what you could have, should have or would have done.
When you’re dealing with the loneliness of divorce, it’s really easy to slip from feeling lonely to beating yourself up for what might have been if only you had done something different. And the more the beat yourself up, the lonelier you feel. So go ahead and distract yourself from these thoughts of could have, should have and would have and you’ll notice that your loneliness lightens.
Do something that feels especially nurturing.
When you’re feeling sad and all alone, one of the best ways to pull yourself out of it is to baby yourself. Do something that feels incredibly loving and indulgent. When you do, you just might find yourself shifting a bit from feeling lonely to enjoying a little bit of alone time.
Hopefully, these 6 tips are exactly what you need to help you know just how to deal with your loneliness. And then again, maybe they aren’t.
If they weren’t that’s OK, because they’ve provided you with some inspiration for the creating your plan for what to do when your loneliness hits.
Either way, knowing how you’ll deal with one of the most miserable parts of one of the most difficult things you’ll ever experience will go a long way to helping you to find your way through all the losses of divorce.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-immediately-deal-with-the-loneliness-of-divorce-wcz/
Three tools to push through the pain and get on the other side
Melissa has been incredibly lonely since her husband moved out last December.
She called me after reading my newsletter talking about a retreat I was hosting. She told me she was thrilled to see an opportunity to meet other women in transition. Melissa was now in the middle of her divorce and realized that she was still feeling very lonely.
After her split, it seemed like her friends mysteriously fell away and she found it hard to meet new people. This is something I hear a lot from the divorced population. Even today, well into the 21st Century. As far as our culture has come with accepting divorce as a reality, the social stigma is still alive and well. Couples or married individuals don't necessarily want to hang out with single or divorced folks.
For Melissa, this was definitely unexpected fallout from her breakup and it added an extra layer of pain and loss to an already painful situation.
Being a take-charge kind of person, Melissa attempted to remedy the social situation. She joined a gym, a book club and she even got a part-time job but none of these activities produced any lasting friendships. Everyone was either married (and didn't want to hang out with a single woman), much younger than she, or too busy. Another issue for Melissa is that she was longing for deep, meaningful relationships where she could talk about the pain of her marriage ending as well as the challenge of starting life over at the age of 48. Her friends and family were very supportive to her for a couple of months but since March, they've all but stopped returning her calls.
Spending a weekend with other women who were wanting to take control of their destiny and give and get support around that sounded like the perfect remedy for Melissa.
It is this sense of isolation and marginalization that propelled me to start running groups back in 2000 and to hold more regular retreats. I have found these outlets to be not only magical ways to help participants find a way out of the marginalization, but it can be a powerful springboard into the next chapter of their lives.
If you have an opportunity to connect with other divorcing people in an intimate setting, I highly recommend it. There are more groups today than ever before but, unfortunately, not all of them provide deep connection among members. Drop-in groups or informational divorce classes just don't offer the same intimacy as the closed groups (those where members commit and return each session) where people can share more vulnerably and honestly.
There are also three important tools I've learned over the years that can help anyone get through divorce better and come out of that isolation.
1. Grieve until your grief is over ~ Grief sucks. That's why most people want to be done with the emotional roller coaster far before the process is over. But the more you fight it, the more you actually prolong it. (And, by the way, getting into a new relationship will, at best, postpone your grief. You really can't escape it).
Be with your grief and it will actually pass quicker.
2. Don't stay stuck in the past for too long ~ Although you need to feel the sadness and perhaps even anger as part of your grief, there's a point at which you will want to look at the road ahead rather than continuing to look in the rear view mirror. You have a right to all of your feelings but if you see everything through a divorce lens for years afterward, you won't go on to enjoy life.
There is life--even FABULOUS life--beyond divorce.
Keep moving.
3. Ask for help ~ This is one of the more important things you can
do to get past your pain and heartache.
Those who reach out for help ALWAYS land on their feet whereas those who try to go it alone, end up suffering much more and don't do nearly as well. Over the years, I've watched many great people connect with other great people in my groups or workshops and go on to form close friendships. Some even find movie partners or travel companions.
Connecting with others in a similar place has brought these divorcees
out of their isolation and into mainstream life again.
Find a new community.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/201706/what-do-about-deep-loneliness-post-divorce
Divorced with children? Not over it? Plus, it's the holidays....
Missing your kids and feeling alone at Christmas? Try these 10 tips to lift your spirits.
I cannot think of Christmas without a vision of family. What if you are alone this Christmas? Not only do you not have your spouse but you don’t have your kids? The first thing I need to tell you is you are not alone; 50% of marriages split up and there are often kids in that mix. Either you or your ex has to be without their children on Christmas Eve or Christmas.
When you are newly divorced or separated this can feel like an overwhelming loss. Hauling out the ornaments and decorations may bring a flood of memories. It is common to ask yourself if the divorce or separation was necessary. Could you have worked through it? This ambiguity is heightened when you go to the mall and see couples hand in hand. You begin to wonder if you could have done something differently to make it work. Remembering the good times makes you more likely to feel depressed when you are newly divorced. Feeling sorry for yourself won’t make the situation go away.
There are things you can do to make this Christmas less heartbreaking and give you a deeper sense of gratitude. Children are barometers for parents, and if they see a parent unhappy it will make them feel sad. Don’t make your kids suffer your loneliness in your first Christmas without them. Make a plan now, and Christmas Eve will be a bit less painful.
1. Think out of the box. You don’t need to have the same traditions you had when you were married. If you are alone it is an opportunity to start over and do what really matters to you.
2. Make a plan to call your children at a particular time. Negotiate with your ex regarding what time would be good so as not to interfere with their holiday plans (the more you support your ex in being a good parent, the better chance your children have of growing up to be confident, well-adjusted people).
3. Invite family or friends over for Christmas Eve. The more you focus on serving others the deeper meaning Christmas will have for you.
4. If your kids are going to be gone for two or three days and you cannot bear being in the house alone, plan a short trip. Instead of buying gifts no one needs, splurge on a short trip you always wanted to take. People are very friendly this time of year, and most likely you will not have to struggle to make friends.
5. Allow yourself to do whatever you could not do when the kids were with you. Take a hot bath, or stay up and read until 3 a.m.
6. Watch a movie that makes you feel uplifted.
7. Do something creative. Maybe a room in the house needs to be painted. You are alone, and no one said that you cannot decorate or fix up the house on Christmas Eve. Make it your own holiday, and do what takes your mind off your loneliness.
8. Remember that divorce shatters both partners’ self esteem. This is not a good time to be looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. Much wiser to call an old friend and ask them if they can listen for a while.
9. Write your story. The more people can write about their thoughts and feelings the quicker they can work through them and gain understanding. Who knows, you may be creating a best seller.
10. Light a candle, turn on soft music and pray. You are a spiritual being having a human experience and this part of being a human is painful.
Most people are afraid of being alone. For many the fear keeps them trapped in broken relationships and broken families. If your marriage didn’t work out, and you do find yourself alone at Christmas, celebrate the fact that you aren’t trapped in a marriage that was broken. Look to tomorrow, believe in the lessons you learned today. You're going to be okay.
–Mary Jo Rapini
Source: https://www.yourtango.com/experts/mary-jo-rapini/10-christmas-survival-tips-newly-divorced
The first holidays after a divorce are often the hardest, especially for your kids. The memories of holidays gone by can make this time of year feel more stressful, creating a feeling of needing to live up to years past. Despite the stress and sadness that will undoubtedly accompany the holidays, you and your children can still have a good time and make great memories. Here are five tips to increase the fun and decrease the stress.
1. Make a plan
Your custody schedule will probably be pre-planned, which makes planning for the holidays a bit simpler. Figure out ahead of time which days you have your kids, and what you are doing. Make sure that everyone is clear on what the plan is, including your children. Keep a calendar with you so that you can tell your hosts whether or not your children will be with you when you accept an invitation. Try to avoid last-minute modifications as much as possible, as they will only add stress.
2. Make your own traditions
The holidays are often a very sentimental time, but that nostalgia can work against you when familiar traditions just make you and your kids think, “We used to do this all together.” Some traditions will inevitably have to be let go or changed. Though saying goodbye to some traditions that you have had for long will likely be very sad, it also opens up the opportunity to make new traditions. Explain to your kids why you aren’t going to be doing some things this year, and ask them for ideas about what you should do instead. This can help turn a challenging time into a fun one.
If your kids seem low, talk to them about their feelings towards this time of year. Listen to their concerns, and let them know how it is making you feel as well. It will comfort them to know that you haven’t just forgotten and that letting go is a challenge that they don’t face alone. While you make new traditions with your kids, encourage them to do the same with their other parent as well.
3. Don’t worry about perfection
No matter how hard you work to make things go smoothly, there will always be little problems that come along. There will be times where both you and your kids feel the sadness of what no longer is. This is okay and is a healthy part of grieving. Know that the next set of holidays will probably be easier, and make your best with what you have. You don’t have to make things perfect; making good memories is what is most important.
4. Keep healthy
Staying healthy during the holiday season is difficult for nearly everyone, but when added the stress of your first holidays with a new family structure, it becomes even harder. Make sure that you sleep enough, and do your best to eat right, particularly during the times that you aren’t at holiday parties. Try to slip some extra exercise into your schedule, even if it’s just 20-30 minutes a day. Also, taking extra time to relax can also be a big help. Even just a few moments of peace between the various events of your day can help ease stress.
As you keep yourself healthy, don’t forget to make the same effort with you children, too. Keep up as much of a normal schedule as you can, particularly when it comes to sleep. Take breaks from your hectic schedule to let them play with their friends or do fun things at home as a family. Remember: your emotional health is just as important as physical health.
5. Avoid being alone
If you share custody with your ex, then you won’t get to be with your kids over every holiday. This can be very hard on your emotional health, but even more so if you are spending the holiday alone. Being alone during the holidays can be depressing, especially after the emotionally exhausting process of a divorce. If it does look like you might be spending some days alone, talk with your family members and friends about their holiday plans. If they are hosting a party, they will probably invite you. If they aren’t hosting something, you could decide to host a get-together. Make sure you are enjoying yourself and don’t give yourself the chance to wallow in negative emotions.
Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/5-tips-for-getting-through-the-first-holidays-post-divorce/
Three tools to push through the pain and get on the other side.
Melissa has been incredibly lonely since her husband moved out last December.
She called me after reading my newsletter talking about a retreat I was hosting. She told me she was thrilled to see an opportunity to meet other women in transition. Melissa was now in the middle of her divorce and realized that she was still feeling very lonely.
After her split, it seemed like her friends mysteriously fell away and she found it hard to meet new people. This is something I hear a lot from the divorced population. Even today, well into the 21st Century. As far as our culture has come with accepting divorce as a reality, the social stigma is still alive and well. Couples or married individuals don't necessarily want to hang out with single or divorced folks.
For Melissa, this was definitely unexpected fallout from her breakup and it added an extra layer of pain and loss to an already painful situation.
Being a take-charge kind of person, Melissa attempted to remedy the social situation. She joined a gym, a book club and she even got a part-time job but none of these activities produced any lasting friendships.Everyone was either married (and didn't want to hang out with a single woman), much younger than she, or too busy. Another issue for Melissa is that she was longing for deep, meaningful relationships where she could talk about the pain of her marriage ending as well as the challenge of starting life over at the age of 48. Her friends and family were very supportive to her for a couple of months but since March, they've all but stopped returning her calls.
It is this sense of isolation and marginalization that propelled me to start running groups back in 2000 and to hold more regular retreats. I have found these outlets to be not only magical ways to help participants find a way out of the marginalization, but it can be a powerful springboard into the next chapter of their lives.
There are three important tools I've learned over the years that can help anyone get through divorce better and come out of that isolation.
1. Grieve until your grief is over — Grief sucks. That's why most people want to be done with the emotional roller coaster far before the process is over. But the more you fight it, the more you actually prolong it. (And, by the way, getting into a new relationship will, at best, postpone your grief. You really can't escape it).
Be with your grief and it will actually pass quicker.
2. Don't stay stuck in the past longer than your grief needs you to— Although you must feel the sadness and perhaps even anger as part of your grief, there's a point at which you will want to look at the road ahead rather than continuing to look in the rear view mirror. You have a right to all of your feelings but if you see everything through a divorce lens for years afterward, you won't go on to enjoy life.
There is life—even fabulous life—beyond divorce.
Keep moving.
3. Ask for help — This is one of the more important things you can do to get past your pain and heartache.
Those who reach out for help always land on their feet whereas those who try to go it alone, end up suffering much more and don't do nearly as well. Over the years, I've watched many great people connect with other great people in my groups or workshops and go on to form close friendships. Some even find movie partners or travel companions.
Connecting with others in a similar place has brought these divorcees
out of their isolation and into mainstream life again. Spending a weekend with other women who were wanting to stay positive and take control of their destiny is the perfect remedy for people like Melissa.
Find a new community.
This last tool is particularly important.
When any of us goes through a difficult transition, we feel like this will be our reality forever. Yet, people get divorced every day and many, if not most, come out okay on the other side.
How well you do depends in part on your circumstances. There are definitely some scenarios that are tougher than others to reconcile, such as being left by your spouse for someone else (or worse, being left by your spouse for your best friend) versus splitting by mutual agreement.
But it also depends on how you handle yourself and the situation. Using these three tools will help you get on the other side of the pain faster and better.
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In her TED talk, Brene Brown says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." This connection requires vulnerability at a time when you may be feeling most rejected, raw and most in need of protection. Push through your fears (if you can) and reach out.
There are more groups today than ever before but, unfortunately, not all of them provide deep connection among members. Drop-in groups or informational divorce classes just don't offer the same intimacy as the closed groups (those where members commit and return each session) where people can share more vulnerably and honestly.
It is through this deep and vulnerable sharing that healing can occur. Staying at home and trying to ignore the sadness or grief will only postpone it. The pain will lay in wait until your defenses are down (often when you are tired or sick or stressed) and then, any and all unexpressed emotion will take over.
The good news is that, by dealing head on with your emotions, this is preventable. Follow the tools of: 1. Allowing the grief to be there; 2. Moving on when the grief has been expressed, and; 3. Finding a new community.
Those who, like Melissa, reach out from their pain in order to get through this tough time, look back and see how doing the opposite of what they were inclined to do (stay safe at home in front of the TV) brought the desired healing. It is available to anyone who wants it.
Wishing you the strength to push through the pain as well as healing through the fear, sadness and loneliness.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201706/what-do-about-deep-loneliness-post-divorce
Divorce has many effects on children. No two children will react in exactly the same way. That’s why parents need to be diligent about watching for signs and indications that your child may be having problems coping with their new reality.
Depression is one of the more common reactions we see in children of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents entirely miss or misinterpret the signs of depression. It can take many forms, including behavior that is distancing, lethargic and withdrawn. This is often accompanied by a drop in school grades. But depression can also manifest in other ways, such as agitation, frustration and aggression.
When depression takes that form, parents are likely to think of it in terms of discipline problems and respond with punishment. It takes maturity and a broader perspective to stand back and realize that your child’s misbehavior may actually be a way of communicating how they are feeling. Their confusion, anger, resentment and powerlessness to control their life circumstances get expressed physically because they don’t know how to verbalize those complex emotions.
Understanding and compassion goes a long way toward opening that door to communication. Instead of punishment, try talking about your new family situation and acknowledging areas that can be improved. Ask for suggestions. Try to get feedback, to create a dialogue rather than lecturing.
The key for parents is in finding more time for emotional support and reassurance to help your child feel less alone or isolated — especially by the new circumstances in his or her life. If extended family — grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are not close by, this becomes even more essential. Children need the support of emotional anchors — close family and friends — and the consequences of divorce too often isolates them from the very people who can best help them through the transition. For this reason, you as a parent must continuously keep your eyes open for signs of emotional distress — and then quickly respond with love, attention, compassion and both physical and emotional support.
Studies show that the rate of serious depression is increasing in children — up from 2% a generation ago to 23% for children up to age 20. Not all of it is divorce related, of course, but it still should be a wake-up call to parents. Don’t beat yourself up with guilt. That doesn’t serve any one in the family. But do be alert so you can address issues that come up early on, before they lead to far greater problems. Also seek out the assistance of professional counselors or divorce groups for additional support.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-sedacca/depression-and-divorce-he_b_1582445.html
There are many things you can do to turn your relationship around when you find yourself on a rocky road, if you’re willing to team up and face reality together—and that will only happen if you both wantyour marriage to last. The key factor in getting back on track is turning things around as early as possible. It happens over different time frames for different people, but at some point, you reach the point of no return.
Marriage therapists often describe five stages in the divorce process that start long before the D-word is ever mentioned by couples. Here, I'll describe each stage and explain how you might start to redirect when it's still possible.
1. Dissatisfaction:
This is a place of disillusionment, where you have a growing sense of disappointment about the way your relationship is going and how you feel around your partner. Maybe the spark has gone out of the relationship and it feels flat. Criticism may creep into your everyday conversations and actions.
Ignore these warning signs at your peril—finding yourself regularly feeling disappointed and flat about your relationship is no small thing. Getting help at this point is likely to be beneficial because you’re probably still both open to change and not yet so resentful of each other that you stop wanting to try. Sadly, one of the most common mistakes couples make is to shut their eyes and keep careening dangerously towards the end of the road believing things will just magically fix themselves. Most of the time, they don’t.
How to turn it around:
Turning around means consciously putting energy into your love like you did at the start, creating a shared focus on connecting, increasing awareness of your relationship vulnerabilities and strengths, seeking strategies to reconnect deeply, learning skills, and building generosity of spirit toward one another again. You must move away from dissatisfaction and back into happiness before too much damage is done to your relationship.
Start by finding the courage to own how you really feel, without defensiveness or blaming. Consider getting couples counseling earlier rather than later, because that’s when it will be most helpful. If that’s too difficult or daunting, at least gather some basic resources that will help you start a new conversation together—some books or an online relationship class to prompt you to face your dissatisfaction head-on together.
2. Emotional erosion:
This is where you stop caring as much about your partner—or worse, developing a sense of resentment and apathy about doing anything to improve your closeness and communication. The distance between the two of you may seem to increase every week. but you don’t pay too much attention. Couples who don’t turn around at this stage tend to increasingly distract themselves and hope the relationship will fix itself. It can last weeks or years depending on how much you can stomach.
How to turn it around:
As you drive around the communication boulders on this rocky road, you start to clearly see why turning around sooner would have been a better idea. The less interest you have in healing the relationship, the more resistance you'll face when you try to turn things around. But that doesn't mean it's necessarily too late. If you care enough to save your relationship, that's enough to take the first step. At this point, professional intervention is your best bet. Try to start regular counselling on your own, if your partner isn't open to it initially—as soon as possible. That way, even if it doesn't work out in the end, you'll know you did everything you could to save the relationship. And you'll be prepared to move forward in a much healthier way.
3. Loneliness:
In this third stage of a fading relationship trajectory, if you open your tired eyes, you’ll realize that glaringly obvious danger signs have been all over the road for miles. The signs tell you to find each other again urgently—to reactivate intimacy or risk losing it permanently. This is a place of emotional detachment, to the point that other interests—children, friends, work, sports, or even another potential lover may become more important to you than each other. Instead of the disappointment and confusion of dissatisfaction or the anger and resentment of the erosion you may start to feel what Pink Floyd called "comfortably numb." This stage usually ends when something bright and shiny at the side of the road suddenly catches your eye and you feel alive again, awoken to what you’ve been missing. Trouble is, you’re likely to jump out of the car on your own to chase it, causing injury to every heart.
How to turn it around:
Act now if you want to save the relationship with openness, energy, empathy, love, and most of all by teaming up again. This is your relationship’s trial by fire. It shouldn’t have come to this, but it has. Now, you must really fight for each other. Turn to one another with a shared focus, or keep gazing out the side windows, ignoring each other, at your own peril.
Still haven’t managed to turn the car around?
If you've been trying your best and it still hasn't happened, know that it's not your fault. You can't do it alone. It absolutely takes two. Taking the best path is ultimately knowing in your heart that you did your best.
4. The fork in the road:
The fourth stage of the journey to divorce is the fork in the road. Here, single street meets the road you've been on, and your paths diverge. It’s here that you must make the final decision to turn the car around together. Otherwise, it's time to go on alone. Either way, it’s your responsibility to yourselves and any children you have to choose your path with dignity and handle the fallout with maturity and grace.
People survive divorce, but abuse, unkindness, and chaos cause damage—whether a couple stays together or not. If you decide to go your separate ways, don’t let it be any more painful than it has to be.
That's not easy to do when you feel (understandably) angry, lost, panicked, and hurt, but here's how you stay in control.
Remember that behaving in any way other than with kindness and within your values will hurt everyone even more—including yourself. It will extend your recovery time and intensify the pain all round.
If you haven't yet, get help now. Breaking up is hard to do. You must both get all the support you can and treat each other with compassion.
5. Mourning:
The final destination on the journey through divorce is a place of sadness and reflection, but maybe also relief. Here, you can finish this relationship journey, remember what was good, and strive to understand what went wrong. You can hope for a better future for all parties involved and do your best to create it.
Acknowledge all the things you are mourning. The end of a marriage means changes to home and family forever, but you will survive and you can all thrive again.
Get support. Allow yourself to feel pride for the mature way you handled things during such a difficult time in your lives. Then focus on growth and learning so that there will be less of a chance of repeating past mistakes in future relationships.
Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/5-stages-of-divorce-how-to-stop-your-relationship-from-ending
Many women in our community have been forced to deal with a divorce after 60. These women are not alone. According to UK government statistics, divorce rates for women over 60 have increased significantly since 1991. This is despite the fact that overall divorce rates are down during the same period.
Why is Divorce After 60 So Common?
What’s driving this trend? Perhaps these couples were never really truly happy. Or, maybe they grew in different directions, were no longer meeting each other’s needs, or were waiting for their children to leave home.
Perhaps we simply have more time in our 60s, with fewer family and work commitments, to reevaluate our lives and the people in them. Or, it could be that we feel that we have less time to do all things that have been on hold in an unhappy marriage.
Regardless of the reasons, going through a divorce after 60 can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. In a previous article, I wrote about how women go through 5 stages when recovering from a divorce.
Now I want to provide some practical advice for surviving a divorce after 60. It almost certainly won’t feel like it at the time, but, a divorce can be a gateway to a new beginning. I hope that these words help you on your journey to freedom.
Get Yourself in the Right Frame of Mind
Divorce conjures up a toxic brew of unwanted, and sometimes irrational, emotions. We suffer from fear – fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of losing friends or status in the community. We experience a sense of shock, sadness and loss. All of these emotions are understandable, but, left unchecked, they prevent us from moving forward.
If you’re going through a painful divorce, after a long marriage, keep in mind that your identity and self-worth are not defined by one man or one relationship.
Most women emerge from their divorce stronger than ever. You can’t control every aspect of the experience, but, you can choose the frame from which you view the situation.
Look for women in your circle of friends who went through a divorce over 5 years ago. Ask them about their experience. Did their worst fears come true?
Write down 3 ways that your divorce is an opportunity for you to live a better life. What has it freed you to do and what has it liberated you from? Most of all remind yourself that you are worthy of love and support. You have the power to build a wonderful life for yourself, regardless of whether you are married or not.
Don’t Waste Time with Regrets
It’s common for women going through divorce after 60 to feel a sense of grief, guilt or even shame. While much of the cultural stigma surrounding divorce has diminished, it’s natural to feel some sadness and regret. The important thing is to not let these negative emotions define you or drag you down.
Spend time with people you love and trust. Participate in activities you enjoy. Stay active socially and in your career (if you are still working) or take up volunteering. The best way to avoid negative emotions is to fill your life with positive experiences. So, don’t shut yourself away, nursing regrets and feeling sorry for yourself.
An unhappy marriage, where communication was stressful or hurtful, can make you afraid to re-engage with people. You may not trust people, especially other men, but, this is the time to get out into the world and let your light shine!
Take Care of Your Finances and Other Practical Issues
Disagreements about money are a leading cause of divorce and, unfortunately, your financial stress does not always go away when your paperwork is signed. Whatever you do, don’t bury your head in the sand when it comes to conversations about money.
When I went through my divorce, I remember the last thing I wanted to talk about was how to divide our assets. I remember thinking “I don’t want anything from him!” Fortunately, a good friend forced me to get professional support.
Don’t sell yourself short. Even if your husband was primarily responsible for earning and managing money, you still have rights. So, talk to a lawyer and take care of yourself. Think about the years you worked together to help your husband become financially successful and feel confident in asking for your share.
Getting professionals involved doesn’t mean that you are in for a “messy divorce” or that things will drag on. In many cases, the opposite is true. By having professional representation on both sides, you can separate the emotional issues that led to your separation from the practical considerations of your future.
Talk to Your Kids
Divorce can be hard for children, even when they’re adults. Ironically, your children may feel many of the same emotions that you do – sadness, shock and regret. They may also wonder how your separation will affect the family. For example, they may wonder what’s going to happen with family traditions. They may ask “where do we go for Christmas?” “How do we tell the grandkids?” or have a number of other questions.
Encourage them to share their feelings and empower them to move on. Remind them that they will continue to have a relationship with both you and your ex-spouse. Tell them that you don’t need or want them to “pick sides.” They can make their own decisions.
No matter how old they are, children really just want their mother to be happy and will usually give you their support as you move forward into a new and happier life.
Direct your children’s energy towards helping you to start the next amazing chapter of your life. Tell them about your dreams and aspirations. Share your fears, but, try to avoid blaming your ex-husband publically. With time, your family will be stronger than ever as you bring your passions to life.
Make Time for Yourself
Don’t punish yourself. It’s not your fault that things worked out the way that they did. Give yourself permission to do the activities that you enjoy. Go for long walks. Join a yoga class. Spend time with the people that you love. Remind yourself of the many things in life that you still enjoy. Reflect on the fact that love comes in many forms.
You probably won’t want to enter the dating world for some time, but, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the company of others, including men.
Beyond all else, remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy. You are a good person, worthy of the affection of others, no matter the reasons for your separation.
Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help
Surviving a divorce is hard, but, you don’t have to do it alone. Maintaining social connections and making new friends is especially important for women who divorce after 60.
Don’t let yourself become isolated and don’t make the mistake of believing that you’re alone and no one cares. Reach out to your circle of friends. Talk with openness and vulnerability. Ask for help, and you shall receive.
A word of warning. In my experience, friends and family only have so much capacity for listening to our problems. No matter how strong your friendships, try to focus on positive experiences, rather than rehashing regrets.
If you approach the situation with optimism, energy and openness, surviving divorce can be the start of a whole new happier life.
Source: http://sixtyandme.com/how-to-recover-from-a-divorce-after-60/
