You don’t often hear the words ‘divorce’ and ‘etiquette’ used together. When I hear the word ‘etiquette,’ I think manners, politeness, courtesies – again not things we usually associate with ending a marriage. And perhaps that’s exactly why so many people struggle to achieve a good divorce. So what is divorce etiquette and how can it help?
I’m not a fan of rule books but I do think being conscious about how you conduct yourself during divorce could help you better cope with the end of your marriage so you’ll feel less conscious, less awkward and avoid saying or doing things that you’ll regret later. If we did have more generally accepted guidelines on coping with divorce, then the breakups could be less disruptive not just for spouses but also for children, extended families, friends and coworkers. Who wouldn’t want that?
This episode of Conversations About Divorce is all about Divorce Etiquette and joining me for this fabulous conversation are Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell, authors of The Optimist’s Guide To Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create A New Life You Love.
What Is Divorce Etiquette?
When someone is going through a hard time, it’s part of our human nature to want to help. We often want to do something to let that person know we care. We want to do something to let that person know we’re sorry they’re in pain. But just like other difficult situations, we don’t want to say anything that will make the person feel worse.
Riss says, “When we are talking about divorce etiquette, we’re talking about making a difficult situation better rather than rubbing salt in the wound.”
It really comes down to acting with kindness and compassion in any situation. Setting that intention at the beginning of the process will guide you through the many points along the way when you have a choice. Riss says, “Make it your personal mission to treat them as you would like to be treated.”
Who Is Divorce Etiquette For?
Divorce etiquette applies to everyone whether that’s friends, family, children and especially your STBX. Both partners set the tone for the divorce and how you divorce, can be quite independent of your marriage. This means that you don’t have to carry over the level of disagreement and arguing from your marriage to your break up.
It’s important to think about this early, preferably before there’s even been a discussion about separating because it’s in that very first conversation that the tone of the break up starts to get set. There’ll be many points along the way where you’ll have the opportunity to reset the tone or reinforce it.
“We believe you can apply some rules for common decency with your partner as you go through the difficult process of separating,” said Riss.
Of course, treating your partner with respect doesn’t mean you’ll get the same back. Rockwell reminds us that you can’t control anyone else. However, “no matter how hard you are trying to be kind, understanding, compassionate, doesn’t mean that on that day, that argument, you’ll be getting that treatment back but it doesn’t mean it’s not worth maintaining that intention.”
You have to switch gears – once the marriage is over, you now have to work to transition your relationship with your STBX from a romantic partner to a business partner. That might be for the short term while you figure out the division of assets or it could be for a much longer period if you have children together.
Meeting Your STBX In Public
Meeting your STBX in public may be awkward, even embarrassing but there’s a high probability it’s going to happen. Knowing that means you can prepare.
“You have a choice at every step,” says Riss. “You can choose positive or negative.”
The example we talked about was what if both you and your STBX turn up at school to pick up your kids. Obviously, there’s been a miscommunication so what should you do?
“It’s best to try to work it out without embarrassing your kids,” says Riss. “If someone needs to be the bigger person, take on that role.” If that means you letting your STBX pick up the kids even though you’re convinced it’s your turn, so be it. Better that than having a brawl in the parking lot.
Another situation is when you arrive at your child’s event, maybe it’s a concert, maybe it’s a baseball game. Your STBX sees you and waves at you indicating they have a seat for you. Sitting next to them isn’t what you had in mind so what should you do?
Sockwell says how you handle this depends on whether your STBX is trying to control you. If it doesn’t feel safe for you to sit next to or near your STBX, then don’t. But otherwise, consider that your STBX maybe doing this with your child’s perspective in mind.
“If I were a child, I can’t think of anything I’d want more than to look out from the swimming pool, the stage or wherever I was performing, and see my parents together because they’re there not because they are in a relationship together but they’re there for me,” says Sockwell.
Friends Take Their Cues From You
Soon after my ex and I split up, one of our couple friends was hosting a cookout at their home. She called me and invited me and told me that they’d also invited my ex. She said that she and her husband liked us both, were friends with both of us and they didn’t want to choose who to invite so they were inviting both of us and leaving it up to us to figure out what we wanted to do.
This is a great model to follow but isn’t what typically happens.
Riss says the key word here is comfort. “People take their cues from you. If you’re comfortable, then the person asking you will feel relieved that you’re OK.”
Letting people know that you’re doing OK will make them feel comfortable inviting you to a social occasion.
There will be friends from whom you don’t hear. Sockwell’s straight-forward advice here is that if you’re missing a friend, then you reach out to them.
“Don’t assume they’re not reaching out to you because of what’s going on with you. They may have their own stressors or own health problems or their own separation. You never know,” says Sockwell.
Divorce is a difficult and uncomfortable topic and your friend not contacting you may be because they don’t know what to say. You taking the lead, can put your friend at ease and breakdown the barrier that threatens your friendship.
On the flip side, Riss recommends that if you know someone who is going through divorce, be proactive and let them know you’re there to support them.
Be Sensitive At Work
The workplace is a different environment. There, if you notice someone is not wearing their wedding ring, it may not be appropriate to comment in an open meeting. Sockwell says, “If they haven’t said anything, I’m not going to say anything because they’re probably doing what they can to hold it together.”
If they bring it up, then feel free to invite them to get together after work. If they don’t bring it up, then perhaps you can approach them in a private space to offer support.
If you’re going to need time off or flexibility for appointments, it’s a good idea to let your supervisor know what’s going on but Riss, recommends doing so once you can do it without breaking down in a flood of tears.
You may also want to consult with your HR department for guidance on how to handle changes to your benefit enrollments and also on company policy around name changes, if that’s going to apply to you.
Beware of Social Media
Both Riss and Sockwell agree that it’s very easy to post something to social media that you may regret later. Riss says, “Don’t react out of anger.” Social media is not the place to air your grievances. If you’re upset about something, call a friend and work through your anger another way.
Similarly, Sockwell recommends against posting updates that are calling for pity. She suggests keeping a journal and using that to work through your emotions.
Even though you may have blocked your STBX from seeing your posts, if you have friends in common then your STBX may still be able to see your posts through their feeds and that could end up hurting you.
Source: http://sincemydivorce.com/divorce-etiquette-can-help/
Life can be a lot to deal with at times, here are a few ways that can help you handle the stress.
In our world of information overload, extraordinary expectations, catastrophes and more, it’s no wonder stress is wreaking havoc on people. Between the opiod epidemic, obesity numbers, and heart disease, it’s sad that while we’re one of the most developed nations in the world, we cannot seem to keep our people healthy. And make no mistake, this is a global crisis.
Here are 6 easy ways to reduce your stress levels:
Breathe. That’s right, simple and easy. Take deep breaths. Reconnect with the magic art of breathing. A simple technique that will help is a 5 second inhale, hold your breath for 5 seconds, exhale for 5 seconds, hold your breath out for 5 seconds, and repeat. You can repeat 3 times for a 60 second breathing exercise that will immediately show results. Start getting up to 9 times through for 3 minutes and the benefits will amplify.
Be Present. Take Time. When I’m rushing around from appointment to appointment, I try to stop and take an extra moment before I walk into a session. It gives me time to block out all the distractions and be present for the client I’m working with. You can use your breathe, any sounds, music, your sense of touch. All of of those things will help you come back to the present if you’re preoccupied and unable to stay focused.
Laugh. One of the greatest stress relievers is laughter. Go watch some funny comedy or hang out with an old friend who makes you laugh. Go to a laughing yoga class. Something to give you a reason to be silly. Hang out with children and make them laugh, it’s contagious.
Meditate. I know, it can be a lofty thing, but it’s actually not all that difficult. The three fundamentals are simple. Sit with a straight spine, have an even, relaxed breath, and pick a focal point with your mind. Your focus can be the beach, the top of a mountain, your third eye center, anything that allows your chatty brain to come back to one point. Eventually, all the distractions will slow down. You’ll become more peaceful. Allow yourself time, this doesn’t happen over night. Meditation is a practice, but trust the process and you will reduce your cortisol levels.
Exercise. Yes, until I am blue in the face, I will remind you to exercise! Move your body 5-6 days a week. Everyday is fine too, but 3-4 days is not enough. The benefits are too great to go without. You’ll reduce stress, get stronger, be healthier, and yes, live longer. There is no excuse not to move.
Build a toolbox. This has been something I’ve been doing for over 30 years. I realized long ago that if I wanted to live a great life that I had to string together a whole bunch of really great experiences. Pretty simple, right?! Well, not as easy as it seems. It takes work and planning and consistency, and dedication. The more things you enjoy doing, the easier it will be to do things you enjoy. For instance, going to the movies, hanging out with my family, going for a run, walking on the beach, making love to my wife, spending time with friends, going for a bike ride, traveling, my list goes on and on! Yours should too!
I’ve found that in my life, the more things I found that I like to do, the more things I naturally seek out that are enjoyable. Now I find myself moving toward fun things to do, thus my stress levels are pretty low. When life throws a curve ball at me, I can handle it with the tools in my life tool box. Remember, I’m always here to help. Find me on social media @teddymcdonald.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/health/6-easy-ways-reduce-stress/
It was never in your life plan, certainly never predicted in your high school yearbook.
And yet, here you are. You’ve gone through a soul-sucking life experience and are suffering from the collateral consequences. Uncertainty, fear and disbelief rule the day. You keep waiting to wake up and find out this was all a bad dream.
The problem is that wishing, wanting and waiting don’t help. Whether you’re still in the midst of the storm or idling in the aftermath, the truth is that you have to reach down and make the decision that although you may have had no control over what happened to you, you do have control over how you respond and move forward. These six tips will help start you on that journey:
1. Don’t Compare Your Blooper Reel to Other’s Highlight Reel
At times it may seem like the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Social media exacerbates this perception because people tend to show only their green patch of lawn and not their backyard full of weeds!
Wouldn’t it be refreshing to see someone’s perfect vacation pictures captioned: “Don’t know how we’re really going to pay for this; We’re up to our ears in debt! The kids got carsick and puked in the rental car, and Jack and I haven’t had sex for weeks! Wish you were here!”
The grass isn’t always greener. Everyone has something in life they wish they could undo, redo or erase. They just don’t post it on Facebook.
2. Realize That Sometimes You Have No Control Over What Happens to You
Like the saying goes, life is what happens to you when you are making other plans. I truly believe that things happen for you rather than to you to nudge you into growth. When something unexpected happens, ask yourself “What’s the lesson here?”
3. Surrender to Your Situation
Surrendering doesn’t mean giving in; it simply means you stop fighting the fact that the situation happened. Accept the fact that it occurred, that it sucks, and that yes, it probably was unfair and undeserved.
When you continually try to fight against a situation, it’s like trying to swim against a rip current. You can fight it and end up exhausted and pulled out to sea, or you can accept that it is done, swim parallel to it and overcome it. You cannot change what has already occurred but you can change how you respond to it. This is the tipping point to taking your power back.
4. Understand That Your Coping Mechanisms May Be Holding You Hostage
It is natural to feel disbelief, anger and sadness, and to want to blame others for what you are going through. These coping mechanisms are designed to help you deal with the situation at hand. They are also a defense mechanism, a way to push back on the reality of the situation.
The problem is, when you get stuck defending, denying, and blaming, you form an endless loop of negative thoughts that won’t stop spinning in your head. The part of your brain that is controlling the loop is your ego. When you learn to harness your ego, you can transform the way you think and move past these self-destructive thoughts.
5. Harness Your Ego
Your ego is part of your consciousness, and it competes with your higher self, or spirit, for control of your thoughts. Your ego is fear-based and your higher self is love-based. The two cannot coexist because the higher self simply does not recognize fear. Think of the ego as the darkness and the higher self as the light switch; once the light goes on darkness cannot exist.
The ego thrives on fear and separation in order to control your thoughts. It causes you to think you need to be better because you’re not good enough or are lacking in some way. The egoic brain creates this fear of inferiority and you react by putting others down as a way to raise your sense of self-worth up.
You can recognize your ego at work when you are critical or judgmental of others, when you take on the role of victim, or when you blame others rather than looking inward. When you feel self-important, when you feel the need to be right, and when anger, jealousy, and self-importance take center stage, that’s your ego, and it isn’t helping you. It creates a false sense of self.
Once you are aware that your ego is talking, you have begun the process of winning the mind chatter war in your head. Your awareness helps you realize that you no longer have to react to the fear it is creating. Your thoughts are not you but are of the ego. Remember that your ego and your higher self cannot co-exist; When you recognize the ego it has to take a back seat to your higher self. You then can move above these thoughts and shift your perspective from negative thoughts to ones that serve you positively.
6. Create Calm and Gratitude
The ego loves for you to focus on your past, on what you lost. What if you shift the way you look at your situation and focus on what you gained as a result?
What did you learn as a result of the trial? Are you more compassionate, less judgmental? Is your house calmer or cleaner? Did you start taking better care of yourself emotionally or physically? Are you finally putting yourself first?
Focusing on what you are grateful for instead of what you lost is a mindset that creates a calmer, happier you. And that is something to be grateful for!
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-overcome-a-soul-crushing-life-challenge_b_7157082.html
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
Here's how not to blow your chances of getting things back on track
Whether it seems “out of the blue” or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary as hell when your spouse wants to leave you. (By the way, it’s never “out of the blue,” but that’s another article). Maybe at this point, you will do anything to save the marriage … even therapy. However, what if it your spouse says “I’m done?”
As the saying goes – it’s not over ‘till it’s over. If you still desire to save your marriage, there are many things you should (and should not) be doing.
Top 10 Things You SHOULD NOT Do If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:
- Do not beg, plead, pursue, or make demands. This will have the opposite effect and turn your spouse off.
- Do not make excessive phone calls and texts to your spouse. Do not act desperate or needy.
- Do not continually point out all good points in marriage or about you.
- Do not try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your wedding pictures, etc.
- Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all!
- Do not ask family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you. Discussing such personal matters with these people will upset your spouse and make things worse.
- Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for what you may have done. You will not be successful at buying back love.
- Do not spy on spouse by following in your car, checking emails, cell phone, bills, etc.
- Do not say "I Love You." Your spouse is not in the mood to hear it right now, and it will come off as manipulative or "pushy."
- Do not go wild. Stay away from drugs, alcohol, the bar scene or having sex with others. If you really want to get your spouse back, these behaviors will not do it!
Here Are the Top 10 Things You SHOULD DO If Your Spouse Wants to Leave You and You Want to Save Your Marriage:
- Do bring your “best self” to this crisis. It is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage or get vengeful. Muster up the best attitude you can.
- Do keep up with your appearance. Going unshaven, stinking from not showering, looking like a slob or sitting endlessly on the couch watching TV will not be enticing to your spouse at all.
- Do behave respectfully toward your spouse and have self-respect as well.
- Do act as though you are moving forward with confidence regardless of whether or not your spouse stays with you.
- Do keep busy. Continue your day to day activities. And, go out on your own, with friends, with family and the kids. Go to a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. In other words, get a life for yourself despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse, but do not react negatively if he or she does not take you up on your suggestion. Do not change your intended plans.
- Do give your spouse some space! Do not question your spouse about his/her whereabouts or schedule.
- Do let your spouse see you as content regardless of your current feelings. Your moods will be fluctuating. However, you should be someone that your spouse would want to be around because you are pleasant.
- Do allow your spouse come to you with any questions or concerns about the marriage, not the other way around. Other than sincerely letting your partner know that you want to save the marriage, be patient about any discussions about you two. If he or she does come to talk, be an active and engaged listener, showing you care about what is being said.
- Do not engage in arguments. Do not “take the bait” if your spouse tries to get you to do this. You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” just state you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation...then do it!)
- Do get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a counselor (with experience with couples). Divorce Remedy is a good book for your circumstances.
It can be devastating to hear that your spouse wants to leave you. Even spouses that say they want to divorce are actually still somewhat ambivalent about doing so. You want the best opportunity to have things work out in your favor. Many people completely sabotage this by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing.
Follow these dos and don’ts and, above all, be consistent with these actions and behaviors. You must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. You need to think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place. What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing from your spouse?
It may seem unfair that you have to do all the changing. For now, yes, you most likely do because you are at a disadvantage. You need to essentially change first. If you have an addiction (porn, substance or other) or you had an affair or you are abusive (physical and/or emotional), you must get your own treatment to work on these. You will also have a long road ahead of you to repair the damage you caused.
Making positive changes (whether your marriage works out or not) is always a good idea. Chances are there are some behaviors or traits you have that would be problematic in most relationships. If you can get your spouse back on board with you about working on the marriage, making changes would definitely not have been in vain.
Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/help-spouse-asked-for-a-divorce-4047516
It takes guts to admit to yourself that things aren’t going really well. It takes courage to talk to your nearest and dearest friends about the difficulties that you’re going through. There is certain stigma in society, built upon the foundation of an egotistical thinking, which implies that having problems — being depressed — is a sign of weakness.
Research shows that in America, the main cause of stress in a household is associated with stress at the workplace. Dealing with lousy managers, lazy coworkers, and being exposed to a pressurizing environment will undoubtedly start to take a toll on you.
The world, in this regard, can certainly share a similar sentiment: we’re living in the dark ages of economic and emotional stability, even equality for that matter.
Becoming an adult.
Although depression, anxiety, and social stigma exist during the period of adolescence, the aftermath starts to become visible only after a certain age, perhaps at a time in your life when you’re being exposed to a larger number of adults who are not only dealing with their own stresses, but manage to provoke difficult emotions within yourself; all of which are associated with the things that have happened to you in the past.
It takes a certain determination to switch depression off, to use it as a tool for growth, rather than a tool for self-sabotage.
The answer lies in the question.
It’s easy to numb your pain. It’s easy to go out for drinks, to cry about your problems and then forget about them momentarily. It’s easy to reinforce anger and sadness by rehashing the same experience in your mind a thousand times. It never did any good to me, so I can’t image it doing any good for anyone else. Numbing pain is not the answer for finding a solution as to why you’re depressed in the first place. If I learned anything from spending several years in lonely solitude, it’s this: the answers to your depressive behaviors and patterns lie within you, not somewhere in the external world.
When you prepare dinner for yourself, and your family, why did you do it? Was it because you love them, or because it’s something that needs to be done every single day as part of life? What if the core reason for doing it was the fact that humans need to feed their hunger, a quintessential part of the human life is to nourish the body with food. So, if you can find the core reason for needing food, can you not do the same for finding the ultimate reason for your depression?
Why am I depressed?
Just by asking a simple question, without judging yourself, it’s possible to hear the underlying reason for why you’re feeling a certain way. Whenever I’m going through a difficult time, that is my ultimate question to ask myself, because unless I do — I find myself drifting away deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of an endless loop that starts to creep up on my awareness as some sort of a hatred machine for everything around me.
What to do with the answer.
You might be wondering, what’s next? What comes next after getting the answer? It’s simple, what comes next is internal change in how you approach your depressive behaviors, fears and anxieties about anything in the external world. It’s unprecedented how many of us have become professional suppressors of our own emotions, yet all it takes is to bring awareness into that which is driving us crazy, and within that split moment things start to change immediately.
The ego begins to lose its grip over what has happened in the past, because you’re starting to actively seek a solution, you’re seeking the underlying root cause for the emotions that you’re feeling.
During my teenage years, I developed the habit of being a bully. I bullied people because it was “fun”, my close friends liked to do it as well, and I didn’t really know any better. Then a few years later, I found myself on the other side of the coin, and became a target for others to bully me. At that time, things like karma or cause and effect never crossed my mind, but now in my mid-20’s it is starting to make a lot more sense.
I had built this pitch-perfect picture in my mind of how another person should appear, and if he wasn’t living up to those insane standards I was in the position to condemn him for not having the same luxuries as I did, of which I had very little regardless.
Pain stores itself in your body, your subconscious.
Our past experiences shape our present moment, the more we hold on to those experiences the less we get to experience of that which is already here in this moment. The more difficult our past experiences, and the less we invest to resolve emotions associated with them, the less joyful becomes the present moment. It’s a time tested theory, yet we’re still learning to navigate this concept for the purpose of becoming a better version of ourselves. In society today, it’s hard to really take time for yourself to rejuvenate and heal, without having someone yell at the back of your mind that what you’re doing is stupid, and pointless.
The irony lies in the fact that whoever does condemn you, for your humble choice to change, is likely to be dealing with emotional pain himself. My life changed completely at the age of 20, my old life had ran its course and I began to dedicate myself to mindfulness and meditation as a daily thing. It took my parents 3 years to accept that things have changed in my life, it has taken some of my friends to this day to learn how to let go of a version of me that is no longer there.
Yet, such is the journey of life. We, you, have the choice as to whether we want to hold onto things, or learn from them — to accept the inevitable and push forward in a new direction.
Change will always start within.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-ivanovs/depression-as-a-starting_b_12742436.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
At least since 1952, when Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking was published, Americans have been inundated with the notion that the path to success can be smoothed by accentuating the positive. In this cult of optimism, one must keep one’s eyes on the prize and not let negative waves interfere, and all forms of positive thinking are cast as inherently helpful.
Gabriele Oettingen wasn’t buying it. The psychology professor at New York University and the University of Hamburg spent more than 20 years testing her contention that “starry-eyed dreaming isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.”
As it turns out, dreamers are not often doers. Oettingen’s new book,Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation(Current), introduces a seemingly more realistic way of visualizing the future. If our wishful thinking is followed by an acute assessment of the obstacles that stand in the way of our dreams, achievement is far more likely, she contends. We spoke with Oettingen about her work and its practical applications.
Your studies have led you to conclude that positive thinking by itself does little to advance our goals. In fact, you believe it could be detrimental. How so?
My research has confirmed that merely thinking and dreaming about the future makes people less likely to achieve their goals. Just dreaming, detached from an awareness of reality, doesn’t cut it. It seems to let us fulfill our wishes in our minds, but actually it saps the
energy we need to perform the hard work of meeting the challenges we face in real life.
To think positively about the future is very pleasant. It’s a big temptation to think that doing it is the recipe for achieving success, instead of putting in the effort. In our minds, we’ve already reached a desired future, but there is a long way to go. [When people] pretend they are there, they will not prepare themselves for the obstacles and won’t get motivated to make the difficult climb. We might actually forgo realization of our dreams.
What were some of the results of your 20 years of research?
We found that students who fantasize about getting together with a romantic partner are less likely to get involved with that person. We found that with overweight women, the more they fantasized about losing weight in a program, the less weight they lost—over three months and over two years.
You’ve come up with an alternative approach that you say leads to more constructive results.
I call this method “mental contrasting.” It instructs us to dream our dreams, but then visualize the personal barriers that prevent us from achieving them. My studies show that when we perform such mental contrasting, we actually gain energy to take action. And when we go further and specify the actions we intend to take as obstacles arise, we energize ourselves even more.
Simply put, by adding a bit of realism to people’s positive imaginings of the future, mental contrasting enables them to become dreamers and doers. My work presents a single, surprising idea: The obstacles that we think most impede us from realizing our deepest wishes can actually hasten their fulfillment.
How is mental contrasting useful as a tool to achieve our wishes?
Positive fantasies are great for momentary pleasure, for exploring a possibility a person might have in the future by trying it out mentally. But they seduce people into thinking they are already there. When it comes to actually realizing that possibility, those wishes need to be complemented by a clear sense of reality.
You need to juxtapose those fantasies with the realities in you that stand in the way of achieving these wishes. If you also do that, you get the energy to overcome these obstacles.
If we combine a positive future with the obstacles of reality, then we get going. If we see the obstacles as insurmountable, we realize those wishes are not feasible, so we let them go. We become more selective in what we are going to pursue. Mental contrasting helps us get less overwhelmed with life.
What did your analysis of the blood pressure and brain images of study participants show?
In one study, we recruited 164 female college students to fantasize about wearing sleek, stylish high heels. We randomly divided them into two groups and had them fill out questionnaires on a computer. For three minutes, a message on the screen asked the women in both groups to imagine themselves all dressed up in high heels. They jotted down their thoughts and daydreams. After three minutes,one group was asked to generate more positive thoughts about wearing their heels; the other group was asked to generate negative thoughts.
Before we began, we took blood pressure readings of both groups. Systolic blood pressure is a cardiovascular measurement that reveals how energized or motivated a person is. The women who had fantasized positively showed lower systolic blood pressure. The second group showed no change in blood pressure. Positive fantasies relax us so much that it shows up in physiological tests. But when your objective is to make your wish a reality, the last thing you want to be is relaxed.
We also did work measuring brain responses to mental contrasting. It showed enhanced activity in sections of the brain responsible for willfulness and memory—much different patterns than when people were merely fantasizing about a desired future.
Some of your early work on motivation was rejected for publication. Why?
Reviewers claimed the arguments and results were too far-fetched, that my message was ridiculous. If you come up with data that goes against cultural postulates, it’s always difficult. People were reluctant to acknowledge my message. Some are still reluctant. But it was understandable. You can’t necessarily trust the results of just a few studies. So I spent the next 20 years conducting a number of rigorous, larger studies until my overall findings were supported.
The results were the same: Positive fantasies, wishes and dreams—detached from an assessment of past experience—didn’t translate into motivation. They translated into the opposite.
In your book, you take mental contrasting a step further with the introduction of a meditative practice you call WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. It is meant to help people reap the full benefits of mental contrasting.
Yes, WOOP has another step—the forging of explicit intentions about how to achieve a wish. If you break down the process by which people pursue wishes, you can distinguish two phases: an initial phase in which you weigh your options and decide to commit to a goal, and a second phase in which you plan how to take action to attain the wish.
There is a large amount of literature that shows this second phase is helpful in attaining goals. It doesn’t work if you don’t have a strong determination to implement your wishes. You must identify likely obstacles to your goal and approve behavior to overcome the obstacle.
This little exercise is a discovery into your wishes—what you really want, not what others want you to do. It will help you find out what you are passionate about and what holds you back.
If you’re a professional, you can use it to reach a new milestone in your career, improve your skills—whatever you can think of. It can be used to help with any kind of wish, short-term or long-term, big or small.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/241484
The other day was a “mom day.” I spend Monday’s with my 15-month-old, Kai.
While I’m not technically working, I still always feel like I need to be extremely productive. Get errands done, house cleaned, chores finished, car washed, you name it.
My son had fallen asleep for an early nap, and I was extremely tired after a busy (albeit fun) weekend. I had that feeling in my body that was saying “either you rest, or you’re going to get a cold”.
My first instinct was to push through: The car needs to be vacuumed! Emails need to be answered! I should just write to a couple clients!
I felt guilty for wanting to take a nap.
Somewhere along the line like so many other women, I’ve fallen into the belief that AFTER everything gets done THEN I can finally relax.
The problem with this lie is that there is never going to be an end to everything getting done.
And with this belief, slowly my psyche thinks that I need perfection in order to relax, which is a bit of a paradox.
So as uncomfortable as I felt, I lit the fire, curled up with my book, and dozed off to the Norah Jones station on Pandora.
Here are 3 ways to start making yourself a priority:
1. Self-awareness is the work of the gentle warrior. It takes courage and bravery to look within oneself. The first step to making yourself a priority is to understand the underlying reasons why you don’t.
- Are you too busy?
- Do everyone else’s needs come first?
- Do you have to make sure you get your full to-do list checked off before you can relax?
- Is there an underlying emotion that comes up at the idea of self-care such as guilt or selfishness?
Once you understand why you’re not making yourself a priority, you can work with it. Next time you really need some rest, self-care, or alone time, simply notice the thought or feeling coming up.
Notice the way it feels in your body and simply be with this feeling as you gently let go of the story you’re telling yourself in your head. Stay with it and notice as it dissipates.
2. Create some non-negotiable rituals. Rituals help us to stay grounded, balanced, and calm in an ever-changing and busy world. If you feel rundown, or stress is starting to affect you physically, pull back and assess. Are you putting yourself first? Are you building strength or avoiding pain? What’s one thing you can do today to take better care of yourself?
The key with ritual is to start simply and slowly add on. Here are just a couple I like to incorporate into my day:
- A cup of tea when I wake up.
- Stretching at night.
- 50/50/50 - squats, sit-ups, and push-ups with my husband first thing in the morning.
- A daily planning sheet before diving into work.
- Turning my phone on airplane mode around 5:30 pm to start dinner and welcome my family home.
- Yoga class every Wednesday.
3. Simplify. Simplify. Simplify. Learning to embrace simplicity (an ongoing process) has transformed my health, finances, relationship, and work.
Simplifying isn’t always the easy choice, because things build up in life and get complicated. However, simplifying how you spend your time, how you spend your money, your to-do list, streamlining what you can, and how you focus your energy, will have great benefits.
We’re surrounded with the message “you can have it all!” but what does that actually mean? Every time you say yes to something you’re automatically saying no to something else. Instead, understand the season of your life and what is most important to you right now.
Simplifying means having more time for those things... including yourself.
To you dear one, trying your best every day, take a break. You deserve it.
Take care of yourself because we need you. While navigating the new world, we need to show up for each other.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alexis-meads/3-ways-to-start-making-yourself_b_14559870.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
Every divorce has different circumstances, but the emotional toll of the process is something that will be felt by everyone. This can lead to tempers flaring, angry outbursts, feeling lost, depression or any number of strong feelings that may cloud your ability to keep a level head throughout the long and arduous litigation. It is very important that you don’t let raw emotion lead you into doing something rash that may hurt your side in court, and here are a few things to remember about keeping your composure at the toughest of times.
Keep a Positive Outlook
A divorce is one the most stressful situations in a person’s life, and it can be very difficult to remain positive. Marriages require the mutual agreement of two people, but it only takes one to decide they want a divorce. This can be particularly hard if you were not the one to make this choice, and with all of the destructive stereotypes associated with divorce, it is easy to become bogged down in all of that negativity.
Maintaining an optimistic perspective may sound cliche, but it is key to getting through the process. It is important to remember that everyone has their faults and it is not singularly you or your spouse alone that caused the end of the marriage. Consider the divorce as a life lesson, not a synonym for failure, and know that it is possible to move forward with dignity and still find happiness.
Many feel like getting the divorce finalized as soon as possible, regardless of any long-term sacrifices they make in doing so, is the only way to move forward with their life. Samuel Sorensen, a divorce attorney from the Salt Lake City office, said this attitude can force people to lose sight of the future.
“I try to give the client a perspective on how they will think in five years or when they are remarried, and what they wish they would have done in their divorce,” Sorensen said. “I see many clients come in 5-15 years after their divorce and they are still paying alimony and did not get to see their kids as much as they wanted to. I try to relate those stories to my current clients. It helps them see beyond the current situation.”
Focusing on the new and exciting aspects of getting a fresh start to life instead of dwelling on the past is one of the hardest, but most important steps in seeing things through a positive light.
The Scapegoat
During the divorce proceedings, it will often feel easier to roll over and agree with whatever terms the opposing party is putting forward instead of getting in a bitter argument over details that aren’t in your favor. This attitude can lead to blindly signing unfair terms, purely to avoid confrontation. Jamie Kinkaid, a Cordell and Cordell Attorney based in Omaha, said he keeps a “blame me” policy open with his clients for everything that might lead to conflict.
“Many clients find it easier to simply agree and not ‘rock the boat,’” Kinkaid said. “For instance, if it came to alimony and the wife earns 10 times as much as the husband, but the husband really does not want to argue with the wife, he can ‘blame me’ in asking for alimony. He can ‘blame me’ for discovery. He can ‘blame me’ for doing my due diligence.”
Most attorneys will have no problem being the “bad guy,” particularly in the tougher aspects of the divorce, such as settlement negotiations. They are there to be an advocate for you and get the best arrangement possible, but they cannot do their job if you simply sign agreements to avoid hostility.
Therapists
Meeting regularly with a professional therapist can be a very beneficial way to help regain confidence and find a positive direction, despite the common societal view held by men that opening up about your emotions is an embarrassing sign of weakness. However, that doesn’t stop some from unloading everything they are feeling during meetings with their lawyer. Sorensen said this is not inherently a bad thing, but it can be expensive and there are situations where he would suggest seeking professional help.
“Many times, I will just let them talk, because they just want someone to listen. I don’t mind being the sounding board for my clients and listening; although, it can get quite costly for them depending on how long they talk,” Sorensen said. “However, in some situations, when the client either continues to talk about the same issues over and over or I get concerned about some of the things they are saying [such as] violence against themselves or another, distorted views of reality, etc., I will strongly recommend that they utilize a counselor or therapist.”
While seeking a professional can be very beneficial for dealing with the stress and emotional toll of divorce, take into consideration that it can help or hurt your divorce proceedings depending on where you live. Therapists’ records are discoverable in some states, meaning they could be detrimental or embarrassing depending on what was discussed if they are brought up in court. Attorneys can also recommend seeking a professional counselor in situations where their client has been accused of emotional or psychological abuse to show the court they are working on the problem. Either way, it is probably best to ask your attorney’s advice before seeking out a therapist to ensure it doesn’t hurt your case.
Keeping cool during the divorce and maintaining an optimistic outlook is very important for getting through, and beyond, the proceedings. It may feel crushingly oppressive at times, but the world will continue to turn, there is still plenty to enjoy and much greater happiness to find. Keeping control of your emotions instead of giving in to reckless action will help you avoid unnecessary problems and have a better perspective after everything is over.
Source: https://mensdivorce.com/keeping-cool-divorce/
Humans are hardwired toward negativity bias. We can get caught up in rumination or thought cycles, imagining and worrying about every potential outcome for our future. This leads to increased stress as well as anxiety.
I asked Katie Krimer, M.A., L.M.S.W., a psychotherapist and social worker at Union Square Practice, for her suggestions on creating a healthier mindset and letting go of the incessant worries. Here are her four practices you can do in 2017 to have fewer worries.
1. Recognize the function of the “checker”
When you have a negative thought or ruminative thought, you can remind yourself that there’s a part of your brain that acts as a “checker” of sorts–it’s there to maintain safety. But often, it’s a bit on the fritz. It’s checking in too frequently–hence the looping negative thoughts that are so hard to let go of.
Acknowledge that your brain is trying to check in to make sure that everything is safe and okay, and let it know that you are indeed alright. Give yourself permission to turn the checker off.
2. Label your thoughts
The most straightforward of mindfulness practices is to label thoughts as thoughts. We don’t tend to stop and realize that our brain is coming up with so many strings of words that it puts together at lightning speeds and that we then believe or engage with or indulge immediately.
We can start to engage with this notion: we are not our thoughts. When we label thoughts as thoughts, we give our brain the opportunity to create a necessary separation between us and that influx of information.
Just because our brain gives us the thought “I am unworthy,” does not mean that we need to believe it. We can simply acknowledge that we are having the thought, without giving it the meaning that we typically do. We can start to notice when we’re having particular thoughts, and label them neutrally and non-judgmentally, instead of immediately thinking “good or bad.”
3. Meditate
Shifting your attention by doing five minutes meditation, body scan or breathing exercise.
4. Shift your attention
Notice what’s okay and good. If your negative thoughts are on a loop, gently acknowledge them, but turn your attention to writing down five things that exist or happened that were good, pleasant or happiness-inducing. Did you have a delicious caffeinated drink? Did you talk to your best friend? Do you have a fun event coming up?
Mindfulness practice is about the “return”–this means noticing when your mind has strayed to thinking and bringing your awareness to the present, to something a little more positive–having the intention to shift your attention.
Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jeenacho/2016/12/28/4-ways-of-creating-positive-mindset-in-2017-using-mindfulness/#5ddc2ca03702
“We would do ourselves a tremendous favor by letting go of the people who poison our spirit.” ~Unknown
My husband and I both have living grandparents. My daughter has met the grandparents on my husband’s side, but she hasn’t met mine. Some think I’m cruel for not taking her to meet my grandmother because I had an excellent relationship with my great grandparents.
Some ask why I haven’t contacted her in the two years since my only child was born. I could give a long drawn-out response and try to explain why I gave up on a relationship with my maternal grandmother. But most don’t understand, and I choose to spend my time in more productive ways.
Instead, I keep the answer short and simple: She’s toxic.
That’s it. She is a toxic person, and I’m done letting her eat away at my soul bit by bit just because she shares a fraction of my DNA.
There is a lot of advice out there about how to distance yourself from toxic people and relationships, but it’s never as easy as it sounds. I had a lot of mixed feelings about ending my relationship with my grandmother. She had always been a part of my life, albeit a mostly negative part.
The truth is, removing toxicity from any area of your life is a process. There is a certain amount of mourning that goes into cutting ties with someone. It’s almost as if the person has died, except you have to resist the urge to resurrect her because that option is still there.
When I first began the process, I felt conflicted. Suddenly, all the bad didn’t seem so bad anymore. I started remembering the good times.
I remembered exploring with my cousins on the acres of my grandmother’s land. I remembered taking my pick from her complete library of animated Disney movies. I remembered playing hide and seek in her huge garden amongst the fully grown stalks of corn.
But then I realized something. None of those memories directly involved my grandmother. And the memories that did involve her still leave a sour taste in my mouth.
I remember the time she forced me to sit at the dinner table for hours after everyone else had finished because I didn’t like her spaghetti. I also remember the time I drew a picture for her, and she told me it was ugly. And I can’t forget when she let our family cat die while my family was on vacation because she didn’t feel like feeding her.
If you are grappling with the prospect of removing a toxic person from your life, ask yourself these questions:
What positives does this person bring to my life?
How does this person make me feel?
Is the relationship mutually beneficial?
Do I dread interactions with this person?
If your answers to these questions are mostly negative or you realize you are trying to convince yourself that “it’s not that bad,” it is time to take a step back from the relationship.
In many cases, removing toxicity does not require ending the relationship. You may simply need to take time away and set the appropriate boundaries before allowing this person back into your life.
However, as was the case with my grandmother, the person may be so toxic and the resentment may run so deep that it is necessary to completely end contact with the person. You can choose to do this all at once or make it a gradual fading-out. Either way, you must cut off the relationship for the sake of your emotional (and sometimes physical) health.
I made the decision to cut my grandmother out of my life when I pictured my daughter having experiences similar to mine. I couldn’t bear to see my precious child treated the same way my grandmother had treated me and the rest of her grandchildren. I realized that I have the power to keep that from happening.
I decided that the cycle of emotional abuse and toxic behavior would end with me. My grandmother wouldn’t be given the opportunity to hurt my child like she had hurt me, my mother, and so many others in her life.
It’s true that we will be hurt. Our children will be hurt. But this hurt shouldn’t come from the people we are supposed to trust and claim to care for us.
When I realized this, suddenly the process wasn’t so painful anymore. The possible negative consequences for keeping my grandmother in my life were worse than any positives she might bring to the table.
Instead of keeping someone around based on biological ties or perceived obligation, choose to put your well-being first and free yourself from the toxicity.
Choose to surround yourself with love, support, and safety and embrace your emotional freedom
Source: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-toxic-relationships-and-finding-emotional-freedom/
