7 Financial Management Tips For Anyone Who Just Went Through A Divorce

A divorce is painful, that’s a given. And anybody who has gone through a divorce would admit that if there were anything that would have kept their marriages off a divorce court, they would have readily done it. Divorce obviously affects the children in the union negatively. But apart from that, it affects the couple emotionally, psychologically, mentally and of course, financially.

Yes, divorce hurts the finance and leaves too many loopholes to be filled. Everyone wants a break after a drawn out litigation battle; a break from lawyers and dates and paperwork. But there are still a few things to be done if you want to breathe easy after a divorce.

Life is never really the same after one is freshly single and there will always be those things that remind you of the good times and the bad times you had with your ex, moving on becomes a little difficult, but move on you must! So here are a few tips that could be very helpful to get you to move on while securing your finance as well:

1. Revisit Your Insurance Broker

Contact your insurance broker and update your umbrella liability coverage. Screen Your list of assets scheduled on your homeowner’s policy and screen out the things your spouse received in the divorce also screen them out if they were sold. There is no sense in paying insurance premiums for assets you do not own.

2. Apply for a new credit card

Depending on your situation, it may make sense to apply for new credit cards before you cancel joint accounts. Especially if you have marginal credit and don’t have an emergency reserve of cash.

While credit cards are generally not very good financial helpers, comparing its downsides to what can happen in the short-term if someone does not have sufficient funds to cover their core bills can make it not only desirable, but a priority. A Credit card can provide a temporary bridge fund for you while you get on your feet after a divorce.

Again, you need to make a list of the accounts you had while married, and seek to replace them as soon as possible; Savings accounts, Investment accounts etc.

3. Re-title Your Assets

If you owned any assets jointly with your spouse and that asset was retained by you or received by you in the divorce settlement then you need to re-title them. For instance if you owned your house in a trust with your spouse, you’ll want to re-title it in your name personally or in the name of a new living trust you create.

4. Get familiar with Your Investments

This will apply where your spouse handled the investing, there may now be things you own that you aren’t familiar with or that perhaps aren’t right for you.

You need to do a deep analysis of all your investments to see if it is prudent and beneficial to you financially at the present. Sell off investments that will not help you and retain those that are potentially or presently rewarding.

5. Sell Off Some Valuables and Move On

This tip is reasonable not just because it makes financial sense, but because it also helps you move on while securing your financial future. There might be a few things that you owned jointly that you may need to sell off even if they have or had sentimental value. Resources like Worthy.com makes selling off such valuables more reasonable by giving you a financial advantage.

There are also a few suggestions about what to do with your engagement ring after a divorce for instance, especially if it is the kind of ring either of the Kardashian sisters received which was worth thousands of dollars! You may need to think of selling it and moving on.

6. Consider Moving

Moving from a family house is often an emotional decision, but deciding not to move on the basis of sentiment is “...often the beginning of a very difficult situation because it costs a lot of money and the house is not liquid,” says Pilz.

Since you’ll have to pay for this home with one person’s income, if your budget’s tight, moving to a less expensive home or renting may be a good option to consider. You need to approach it as an investment asset, and you need to make decisions from that context as well

7. Get a new everything

In addition to getting a new account, you might need to make a number of other changes. Divorces can mess up your finance and you will need to re-evaluate your finances in general; what comes in and goes out and what are assets and liabilities, what taxes you now qualify to pay.

You may need to change your will, get a new filing system, and perhaps even get a new name if that will help you sleep better at night.

The point is that a divorce is a major (and sometimes devastating) life change and the earlier and faster you can get back up and on track, the better for you.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/toby-nwazor/7-financial-management-tips-for-anyone-who-just-went-through-a-divorce_b_10373494.html

Divorce Confidential: Coping With an Impossible Spouse During and After Divorce

Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.

So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.

While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:

1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.

2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.

3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.

4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.

For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:

• If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
• Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
• Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
• Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
• Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.

One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html

Grandparents Affected by Adult Child Divorce

Responding to the trauma of grandparental alienation.

The importance of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives is a subject now being studied widely and thoroughly. Although researchers point to a wide heterogeneity of grand-parenting roles, for many children and their grandparents, the grandparent-grandchild attachment bond is an important component of their self-identities and a significant factor in their everyday lives. For many kids, this bond is a critical ingredient to their optimal development. The salience of the grandparent-grandchild attachment does not diminish during and after divorce; indeed, grandparents often play a vital role in helping grandchildren adjust to the consequences of parental divorce, providing a sanctuary for the emotional needs of their grandchildren at a time when parents, faced by the multiple losses and transitions attendant to divorce, may be less emotionally available and responsive to their children.

One of the lesser-mentioned advantages of co-parenting after divorce is that it can strengthen children's relationships with both sets of grandparents. One subgroup of grandparents, however, those whose adult children have been affected by parental alienation, are highly at risk of having their relationship with their grandchildren drastically altered if not completely severed. Although prevalent in North American society, such “grand-parental alienation” is rarely a source of professional discussion or concern, even among those who study or practice in the realm of parental alienation. For grandparents and children alike, where the previous relationship involved a good deal of emotional investment and healthy attachment, its loss may eventuate a grief process containing all the major elements of bereavement or trauma which is likely to have profound consequences.       

What are the responsibilities of divorce professionals in regard to the post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationship? Many have suggested that family mediators and post-divorce family practitioners need to expand their definition of the post-divorce family system, widening their target system of intervention from the nuclear to the extended post-divorce family. Family mediators and practitioners may also strive to engage both sets of grandparents, adopting an inter-generational model of practice with the post-divorce family. Such a model assumes that given the opportunity to participate in the divorce and post-divorce therapeutic process, grandparents are more likely to become important resources in both in the therapeutic endeavor and as supports to children adjusting to the consequences of their parents’ divorce. Grandparent involvement needs to be reframed in a positive manner, particularly in those cases where residential parents view grandparent contact as a threat to their new post-divorce identity.

The new roles and relationships that need to be negotiated in the extended post-divorce family should also extend to grandparents and extended family members.  This entails the recognition that grandparents are in a unique developmental stage with tasks that need to be addressed in conjunction with learning the new post divorce family rules. The therapist must assess the position of the grandparent in the family constellation both before the divorce and in light of the changes required in the post divorce family system. As well, factors such as the health status and age of the grandparents must be considered as they may limit the type and quantity of involvement with grandchildren. Grandparents and grandchildren must be given the right of self-determination in deciding how involved they wish to be with each other and other family members.

Family practitioners and mediators need to ensure that they provide assistance in helping grandparents negotiate their new roles as well as assisting them in regard to their ongoing relationship with their grandchildren. Excluding grandparents from mediation and post-divorce therapy may in fact exacerbate or even create intergenerational conflict. Family practitioners need to assist the entire kin system to develop new family guidelines as they learn to cope with the impact of divorce and subsequent impact on intergenerational relationships.

Family practitioner attitudes toward the involvement of grandparents vis-a-vis post-divorce family issues should be carefully examined, particularly in light of children’s needs and interests. It is only when mental health professionals begin to address the needs and advocate on behalf of the involvement of grandparents in divorce and post-divorce practice that we should begin to see increasing numbers of grandparents initiating requests for help. To date, the alienated grandparent population has remained largely invisible to post-divorce family practitioners and mediators.

An overriding concern of many grandparents today is that of access to their grandchildren. How can we begin to address their concerns? One approach is to empower grandparents in relation to access to their grandchildren. This can be done not only by therapeutic means but also by educating parents regarding the salience of grandparents to the child's emotional well-being during and after divorce. When adult children are divorcing it is imperative that the family be encouraged to seek out mediators who are sensitive to the needs of the extended post-divorce family system.

Family practitioners, mediators, and legal professionals are in a position to have considerable impact on post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationships. By embracing the concept of the extended post-divorce family system and adopting a multi-generational approach in post-divorce work, these groups will serve to empower those grandparents whose relationship with their grandchildren is vital to both parties. As we recognize the salience of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives, both before and after divorce, the necessity of actively advocating on behalf of the grandparent population at the point of family divorce, particularly those grandparents who are most at risk of alienation, is critical.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201703/grandparents-affected-adult-child-divorce

7 Financial Management Tips For Anyone Who Just Went Through A Divorce

A divorce is painful, that’s a given. And anybody who has gone through a divorce would admit that if there were anything that would have kept their marriages off a divorce court, they would have readily done it. Divorce obviously affects the children in the union negatively. But apart from that, it affects the couple emotionally, psychologically, mentally and of course, financially.

Yes, divorce hurts the finance and leaves too many loopholes to be filled. Everyone wants a break after a drawn out litigation battle; a break from lawyers and dates and paperwork. But there are still a few things to be done if you want to breathe easy after a divorce.
Life is never really the same after one is freshly single and there will always be those things that remind you of the good times and the bad times you had with your ex, moving on becomes a little difficult, but move on you must! So here are a few tips that could be very helpful to get you to move on while securing your finance as well:

1. Revisit Your Insurance Broker

Contact your insurance broker and update your umbrella liability coverage. Screen Your list of assets scheduled on your homeowner’s policy and screen out the things your spouse received in the divorce also screen them out if they were sold. There is no sense in paying insurance premiums for assets you do not own.

2. Apply for a new credit card

Depending on your situation, it may make sense to apply for new credit cards before you cancel joint accounts. Especially if you have marginal credit and don’t have an emergency reserve of cash.

While credit cards are generally not very good financial helpers, comparing its downsides to what can happen in the short-term if someone does not have sufficient funds to cover their core bills can make it not only desirable, but a priority. A Credit card can provide a temporary bridge fund for you while you get on your feet after a divorce.
Again, you need to make a list of the accounts you had while married, and seek to replace them as soon as possible; Savings accounts, Investment accounts etc.

3. Re-title Your Assets

If you owned any assets jointly with your spouse and that asset was retained by you or received by you in the divorce settlement then you need to re-title them. For instance if you owned your house in a trust with your spouse, you’ll want to re-title it in your name personally or in the name of a new living trust you create.

4. Get familiar with Your Investments

This will apply where your spouse handled the investing, there may now be things you own that you aren’t familiar with or that perhaps aren’t right for you.

You need to do a deep analysis of all your investments to see if it is prudent and beneficial to you financially at the present. Sell off investments that will not help you and retain those that are potentially or presently rewarding.

5. Sell Off Some Valuables and Move On

This tip is reasonable not just because it makes financial sense, but because it also helps you move on while securing your financial future. There might be a few things that you owned jointly that you may need to sell off even if they have or had sentimental value. Resources like Worthy.com makes selling off such valuables more reasonable by giving you a financial advantage.

There are also a few suggestions about what to do with your engagement ring after a divorce for instance, especially if it is the kind of ring either of the Kardashian sisters received which was worth thousands of dollars! You may need to think of selling it and moving on.

6. Consider Moving

Moving from a family house is often an emotional decision, but deciding not to move on the basis of sentiment is “...often the beginning of a very difficult situation because it costs a lot of money and the house is not liquid,” says Pilz.

Since you’ll have to pay for this home with one person’s income, if your budget’s tight, moving to a less expensive home or renting may be a good option to consider. You need to approach it as an investment asset, and you need to make decisions from that context as well

7. Get a new everything

In addition to getting a new account, you might need to make a number of other changes. Divorces can mess up your finance and you will need to re-evaluate your finances in general; what comes in and goes out and what are assets and liabilities, what taxes you now qualify to pay.

You may need to change your will, get a new filing system, and perhaps even get a new name if that will help you sleep better at night.

The point is that a divorce is a major (and sometimes devastating) life change and the earlier and faster you can get back up and on track, the better for you.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/toby-nwazor/7-financial-management-tips-for-anyone-who-just-went-through-a-divorce_b_10373494.html

How To Divide It All Up?

When my ex-husband and I split in 1994 we were both 26 years old.

I had just taken the CA Bar Exam and was waiting for my results. Despite a lovely (and expensive) wedding fourteen months earlier we thought that cutting our losses, going our separate ways and chalking the whole affair up to a “starter marriage” was likely the best option. Notwithstanding some necessary and sophisticated wedding gifts (which according to Emily Post need not have been returned as we had made it past the one year mark and had already sent literally hundreds of hand written thank you notes), a financed Jeep Wrangler, our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Raul and a futon that had travelled with me from Berkeley after college, we did not have much in the way of assets to divide. In terms of debt we had some credit cards to pay off and we each took one and the airline mileage plan miles that came with it and called it a day.

Prior to moving out of our rented house in Laurel Canyon we each inventoried the items we wished to take with us to our new, smaller, rental residences. Having taken a community property course in law school and being the daughter of a divorce lawyer I knew a bit about the character of our belongings.

Anything one brings into the marriage (i.e.: my futon) is separate property and stays with the person who brought it.

The separate property characterization also attaches to anything which is given to you alone as a gift, an inheritance or earned after the parties separate but before the division of assets or divorce is final (for example, if parties separate and one party writes a song filled with sorrow, despondence and heartbreak about the breakup that song (melodramatic or not) is separate property and if it hits the Billboard charts the person who wrote it receives the spoils as opposed to the one who inspired it simply based on the timing of when pen was put to paper. In CA, community property is defined as anything produced or procured, during the marriage with funds earned during the period.

So back to the point, how to divvy it all up? In the case of my ex and I, for better or for worse, we didn’t have much. Our bank accounts were sparse and beyond the Jeep we were still paying off, we had no real assets of monetary value. Completion of the necessary court forms on which we listed the few assets we did have didn’t really take specific furniture, furnishings, appliances and personal property into account.

I knew he had his eye on our dining room table and six chairs. I wanted our bed and luxurious Frette sheet set (a wedding gift from one of his parents’ European friends and nothing I was likely to be splurging for on my own anytime in the next decade). We alternated taking turns with our stuff like picking teams for a game at recess. As we chose items we tagged them with post it notes, blue for him, yellow for me so that we could keep track and make it easier for the movers who would be there later that week. Each of us kept our own clothing and jewelry/watches. I kept my mother’s china (which I have still never used) as it fell into the separate property category and we had a minor setback in the amicable division when we came to the fancy espresso machine received as a wedding gift but never used. This was resolved by a coin flip (he won) and double item pick on the next turn by me.

The general rule is that each party receives property valued at the same amount.

List all of the items you are keeping on one side of a balance sheet and all of the items your spouse is keeping on the other (IOE provides our Community Property Balance Sheet as a part of the platform to make it easy) calculate the value of each party’s column and figure out how close to equally you have divided things up. If an adjustment needs to be made you can move an item or two, equalize by a cash payment or….here’s a novel idea…. let it go.
Important to note is that the value of an item is what you could get for it at a garage sale or on Craig’s List not what you paid for it.

I have seen couples take photo/video inventories of their household items, furniture, furnishings, appliances and art and resolve the division that way. Many insurance companies insist that you keep a list of your personal property so that is a good resource as well. Remember, it is just stuff and the vase or candle stick you are fighting for today will likely not bring you nearly as much joy as you think it will. Let it go and buy another, newer, all-your-own version to enjoy. Almost everything is replaceable and with the money you are saving by not having to pay expensive attorneys to write $100 letters regarding $75 dollar decorative pillows you will have more to buy new furnishings.

For one of a kind items like memorabilia, photos and what I call “kid-art” there are amazing replication sites and services where I have seen clients reproduce full photo albums and walls of elementary school art projects. There is no need to fight over these items when you can each have your own version of Madison’s 5th Grade Still Life of Pear, Baguette, Bird and Wine Bottle. Books, DVDs and vinyl – what can I say, do these even get divided anymore in the age of downloading and streaming? If so, same premise, be cool. If you guys do this well, you can always call up and ask to borrow the Metallica, Master of Puppets album later in life.

Source: https://www.itsovereasy.com/insights/how-to-divide-it-all-up

How To Divide It All Up?

When my ex-husband and I split in 1994 we were both 26 years old.

I had just taken the CA Bar Exam and was waiting for my results. Despite a lovely (and expensive) wedding fourteen months earlier we thought that cutting our losses, going our separate ways and chalking the whole affair up to a “starter marriage” was likely the best option. Notwithstanding some necessary and sophisticated wedding gifts (which according to Emily Post need not have been returned as we had made it past the one year mark and had already sent literally hundreds of hand written thank you notes), a financed Jeep Wrangler, our Staffordshire Bull Terrier, Raul and a futon that had travelled with me from Berkeley after college, we did not have much in the way of assets to divide. In terms of debt we had some credit cards to pay off and we each took one and the airline mileage plan miles that came with it and called it a day.

Prior to moving out of our rented house in Laurel Canyon we each inventoried the items we wished to take with us to our new, smaller, rental residences. Having taken a community property course in law school and being the daughter of a divorce lawyer I knew a bit about the character of our belongings.

Anything one brings into the marriage (i.e.: my futon) is separate property and stays with the person who brought it.

The separate property characterization also attaches to anything which is given to you alone as a gift, an inheritance or earned after the parties separate but before the division of assets or divorce is final (for example, if parties separate and one party writes a song filled with sorrow, despondence and heartbreak about the breakup that song (melodramatic or not) is separate property and if it hits the Billboard charts the person who wrote it receives the spoils as opposed to the one who inspired it simply based on the timing of when pen was put to paper. In CA, community property is defined as anything produced or procured, during the marriage with funds earned during the period.

So back to the point, how to divvy it all up? In the case of my ex and I, for better or for worse, we didn’t have much. Our bank accounts were sparse and beyond the Jeep we were still paying off, we had no real assets of monetary value. Completion of the necessary court forms on which we listed the few assets we did have didn’t really take specific furniture, furnishings, appliances and personal property into account.

I knew he had his eye on our dining room table and six chairs. I wanted our bed and luxurious Frette sheet set (a wedding gift from one of his parents’ European friends and nothing I was likely to be splurging for on my own anytime in the next decade). We alternated taking turns with our stuff like picking teams for a game at recess. As we chose items we tagged them with post it notes, blue for him, yellow for me so that we could keep track and make it easier for the movers who would be there later that week. Each of us kept our own clothing and jewelry/watches. I kept my mother’s china (which I have still never used) as it fell into the separate property category and we had a minor setback in the amicable division when we came to the fancy espresso machine received as a wedding gift but never used. This was resolved by a coin flip (he won) and double item pick on the next turn by me.

The general rule is that each party receives property valued at the same amount.
List all of the items you are keeping on one side of a balance sheet and all of the items your spouse is keeping on the other (IOE provides our Community Property Balance Sheet as a part of the platform to make it easy) calculate the value of each party’s column and figure out how close to equally you have divided things up. If an adjustment needs to be made you can move an item or two, equalize by a cash payment or….here’s a novel idea…. let it go.
Important to note is that the value of an item is what you could get for it at a garage sale or on Craig’s List not what you paid for it.

I have seen couples take photo/video inventories of their household items, furniture, furnishings, appliances and art and resolve the division that way. Many insurance companies insist that you keep a list of your personal property so that is a good resource as well. Remember, it is just stuff and the vase or candle stick you are fighting for today will likely not bring you nearly as much joy as you think it will. Let it go and buy another, newer, all-your-own version to enjoy. Almost everything is replaceable and with the money you are saving by not having to pay expensive attorneys to write $100 letters regarding $75 dollar decorative pillows you will have more to buy new furnishings.

For one of a kind items like memorabilia, photos and what I call “kid-art” there are amazing replication sites and services where I have seen clients reproduce full photo albums and walls of elementary school art projects. There is no need to fight over these items when you can each have your own version of Madison’s 5th Grade Still Life of Pear, Baguette, Bird and Wine Bottle. Books, DVDs and vinyl – what can I say, do these even get divided anymore in the age of downloading and streaming? If so, same premise, be cool. If you guys do this well, you can always call up and ask to borrow the Metallica, Master of Puppets album later in life.

Source: https://insights.itsovereasy.com/how-to-divide-it-all-up

Raising My Son With My Ex-Husband Is the Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done

For years, I’ve been waiting for someone to come clean about co-parenting. Celebrities and social media would have us believe it’s easy, even enjoyable, and I’m tired of contributing to that narrative. It’s not true. As a co-parenter and frequent social media over-sharer, I’m guilty of perpetuating the notion that anyone can seamlessly transition from a couple to co-parents with grace, dignity and ease. 

Sure. There have been happy moments in my co-parenting journey where that felt true, but those moments are not the majority of my experience. Shared family vacations and weekly dinner dates didn’t happen without endless negotiations and blurred lines along the way.
So, here we go, I’ll say the thing that no one else wants to say: Co-parenting sucks.

My son was 1 years old when I moved out of the home I shared with my husband and ever since then his father and I have tried multiple ways to co-exist.

We’ve tried mediation and meditation, and seeing each other in moderation. We’ve lived separately, together and have even tried nesting (a name for the cohabitation set-up where the child stays in one home while the parents rotate in and out). We’ve tried cooperative parenting and parallel parenting, going no-contact and going full-contact (a name for the emotional set back where you start sleeping together again against all better judgment).
I could write the Kama Sutra on co-parenting. After five years, the conclusion I’ve come to is that there’s nothing natural about this. Successfully sharing the person who brings you the most joy with the person who brings you the most pain is nothing short of a miracle.

I always laugh — and then scream — when people suggest getting divorced is taking the easy way out. I can’t think of anything more difficult than failing at marriage, and then having to raise a child together without having the necessary time and distance to recover from every micro and macro heartbreak that has occurred. There’s nothing easy about this easy way out. In fact, the only thing that’s easier than leaving a relationship that isn’t working is choosing to stay in it.

I didn’t realize that divorce doesn’t really exist when you have children. If it does, it looks something like this: “I now pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife, you may keep seeing each other for the rest of your lives.” That’s where I am now, the separate but together forever until death do we part. That vow doesn’t go away even after all of the other vows have been broken.

When I filed for divorce in 2012, I wasn’t yet ready to let go. I still felt so much love for the man I was leaving and I was still gripping onto the idea of a perfect family. What I didn’t understand back then is that the love I have for my son and the love I had for his father would always be tangled up together in knots. I couldn’t admit this to anyone else because I was too busy pretending I knew what I’d gotten myself into, pretending for my son’s sake and for my own sanity that my divorce didn’t faze me.

We tried really hard to be the world’s friendliest exes and in photos it was believable, but in reality we were actually two people desperately clinging onto the fantasy of what we thought our family could look like. A fantasy where there was one Christmas, not two, no separate mommy time and daddy time, no elaborate and colorful calendar to help us keep track of where our child would be sleeping on any given night. It would take years to face the facts of separating. No matter how much my ex-husband and I love each other, how much we’ve forgiven one another and how much we’re willing to work together, divorce means we set fire to the fantasy.

And what’s left in the ashes is harder to accept than I imagined.

Co-parenting means my child will grow up always missing one of his parents. When he says to me in tears, “This isn’t fair,” I tell him that he’s right, there’s nothing fair about this. When he says, “I miss daddy,” I want to cry with him and say, “I miss daddy too.” But I take a deep breath and I tell him what I know is true: “Anything less than always will feel like not enough time together.” There is nothing natural about the fact that my son will grow half his height while I’m not watching or that he’ll tuck half of his baby teeth under the pillow at a different home. He won’t get the little sibling he wants anytime soon, and if he ever does that child won’t share his father’s eyes or my lips and he’ll only spend every other Christmas with him or her.

I didn’t know back then, when I was one foot in the fantasy and one foot out, how much I would dread dropping off my son with his father. How do I describe how alone a home feels when a child has left it? Maybe you already know this feeling. Maybe you too have sat, or collapsed, on the living room floor and looked at old photos and videos of your child. Maybe you too have given in to the unexpected and overwhelming feelings of nostalgia and self-pity and regret.

A married friend once told me how much she envied me. “At least you get some time off,” she said. The comment wasn’t malicious, but it was misled. How could I explain to her that there is no such thing as time off when you’re a parent. The minute my son is gone I wonder where he is and what he’s doing. I wonder whether he’s hungry, tired or sad. I fill up my calendar so that every hour we’re apart is accounted for because if I don’t do this there’s a good chance I won’t get out of bed.

It’s in these moments that I wonder what is wrong with me. And I’m not entirely convinced that there is something wrong with me because I don’t know how other co-parents cope. We don’t talk about it. We nod and we smile and we fill our calendars on our “days off,” and for the rest of the world we put our most evolved foot forward. At least, I did. I kept up the act: I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine.

But for a long time, I wasn’t fine. And now, I’m done trying to convince myself that I’m part of a secret society of mothers who stay best friends with their exes, travel together with their exes and regularly reunite for a bedtime story or bath time routine. This might be the reality for some divorced parents, but it isn’t mine — not yet, not really and maybe it never will be. Slowly, I’m beginning to accept this fact.

What I know now and desperately needed to hear then is this: Let go of the family you thought you’d be and accept the family that you are. Redefine your reality. It won’t be easy and there will be days when it feels nearly impossible. You will feel guilt, but you are not guilty. You will feel shame, but you did nothing shameful. You will feel regret, but you did the right thing. There is a space that exists between the family that you were and the family that you’ll end up being. You’re not alone in that space. I’m right there with you. And my guess is that we’re not the only ones.

Source: http://time.com/5183804/co-parenting-difficult-hard-jessica-henriquez/

Financial planning in divorce

We explain the options available when splitting your assets

Divorce is a highly stressful time when emotional pressures are compounded by difficult financial decisions that can have implications for many years to come. We’ve spoken to the experts to find out what you need to consider when dividing up your home, pensions and investments.

The family home

Your house is likely to be your most significant asset and deciding what to do with it can be challenging. Couples who want a fresh start often choose to sell the home, split the proceeds and use this money to buy new properties.

James Corcoran, a financial planner at 1825, Standard Life’s financial planning arm, says issues can arise if the proceeds aren’t sufficient for both parties to buy properties that meet their needs. This is particularly a problem if either party is unable to secure a mortgage such as when there is a spouse that doesn’t work and/or they can’t afford to pay separate housing bills.

‘This has become more of an issue in recent years post the financial crash as mortgage lending criteria has severely tightened,’ says Corcoran.

Another option is for one party to retain the family home – particularly if children live there – while the other takes a bigger proportion of the other assets.

The courts used to decide that the woman and her children would stay in the home while the husband took out a mortgage on a property elsewhere. Following the Mortgage Market Review, which introduced very strict ‘affordability’ criteria, it isn’t as straightforward.

‘If the husband is asked to pay maintenance their ability to buy a new place is curtailed. The wife might have to accept a smaller chunk of the house or less maintenance,’ says Kay Ingram, a director at national advice group LEBC.

It’s also possible for one party to buy out the other party’s share, which could necessitate a new mortgage.

Investments

In England and Wales investments are usually split 50/50, whereas in Scotland the courts look at the assets that were acquired during the marriage.

Corcoran says when couples are dividing up different types of assets they need to consider access to funds, charges and tax implications. All investments are treated differently for tax and need to be reviewed to ensure they’re still appropriate. For example, unit trusts and shares are liable to capital gains tax on encashment, whereas encashing investment bonds can result in additional income tax.

‘Complicating factors often come into play – for instance let’s say one party has an ISA and the other party has a drawdown pension, both worth £100,000 each,’ says Corcoran. ‘You would think they would be worth the same and cancel each other out, however when dividing up assets for divorce the ISA may be deemed to be worth more. Any withdrawals would be tax-free, whereas any income over and above the pension commencement lump sum from the drawdown would be taxable. All these issues need to be considered carefully.’

Divorce proceedings themselves could decimate the level of your investments and pensions, which could throw your financial plan completely off track. Patrick Connolly, certified financial planner at Chase de Vere, says this will be most problematic for older people who have less time to make up any shortfalls.

‘Following divorce, people should take an entirely fresh look at their finances,’ says Connolly. ‘They need to review what assets they still have, their new level of disposable income and then what steps they need to take to get their financial planning arrangements back on track. In many situations this can be a long and painful process.’

LEBC’s Kay Ingram says it’s extremely important to fully disclose all your assets during divorce proceedings – otherwise you’ll be held in contempt of court and could face jail. The courts will also look less favourably on you when deciding the settlement if they discover you withheld information.

Pensions

There are several ways in which pensions can be split at divorce, but the three most common are offsetting, earmarking and sharing.

Pension offsetting is where the value of your pensions is offset against other assets that you own. For example, in exchange for keeping your pensions, your ex-partner could get a larger share of the family home or share portfolio.

The advantage of offsetting is its simplicity, but there’s a danger that if a non-working spouse receives more of the property and less of the pension they could end up with no funds to live off.

Pension earmarking is an agreement that when you start to draw your retirement benefits, a portion is paid out to your ex-partner. If you receive £50,000 a year from your pension and the agreement is to split this equally, your ex-partner would receive £25,000 a year.

Joshua Gerstler, financial adviser and company director at financial advice firm The Orchard Practice, says the disadvantage of earmarking is that if you die before taking your pension, your ex-partner could receive nothing or, if the pension does not grow, less than expected. The ex-spouse has no control over where the pension assets are invested.

‘Some couples do not like this method as it keeps their finances entwined when they are looking for a clean break,’ Gerstler adds.

Pension sharing is when the court sets out what amount of your pension your ex-partner is entitled to. It is usually expressed as a percentage of the transfer value. Normally your pension provider will want your ex-partner to transfer this into their own pension.

Pension sharing gives more control to the ex-spouse than earmarking because they are able to manage the investments and choose how and when they take the benefits.

‘Once again you need to be careful as some pensions have other benefits, such as guaranteed annuity rates that could be lost on transfer, so these need to be carefully considered. Also, where the spouse is younger they will not have access to the lump sum/income until they turn 55,’ Corcoran says.

David Trenner, technical director at Intelligent Pensions, says consideration needs to be given to spouses’ differing attitudes to investment risk and their requirement for flexibility in their pensions.

‘An ex-spouse who does not want to take risks but just wants a guaranteed income could be disappointed when she finds that her ex-husband’s scheme will only allow her to transfer the value of a pension share into a personal pension where she must take investment risk as well as inflation risk and mortality risk.

‘Conversely, an ex-spouse who wants to have flexible income and be able to control the investment of their pension will be disappointed if the only option is to get a guaranteed pension from her ex-spouse’s scheme,’ he explains.

Planning ahead

It’s essential that you decide how your assets will be split before you receive your decree absolute (the court order that officially ends your marriage). On death pensions are paid to the dependant spouse, not ex-spouse, so if the main pension holder dies and an agreement hasn’t been finalised the other party could be left with nothing.

If you have life assurance or death-in-service benefits which name your ex-spouse as the beneficiary these should be updated. You should also ensure your will and/or power of attorney is up-to-date after the divorce.

Source: https://www.youinvest.co.uk/articles/sharesmagazine/92152/financial-planning-divorce