Psychopath - Noun- A person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviors
Narcissist - Noun- A person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves
These two types of ex tend to be by far the worst kind of people, you can both be married to and therefor divorce from, as their lack of empathy and obsessive need to win and inflict pain on others, seems in many cases to have no end.
Almost unanimously when I hear of people taking their exes to court over and over, or divorces that drag out for years even decades, I already in my mind have a presumption that there is a good chance that these cases involve a person with one of these disorders.
Besides the obvious facts that divorce from these people are often, more dismal, and highly contentious, they are often harder to move on and recover from, here are a few of my tips on moving on from a psychopath or narcissistic ex.
1. Realize that in most cases, you would have been targeted by your ex for your giving or passive nature, generally a psychopath or narcissist are looking for the givers of the world to feed off, as emotional vampires do. You will have often been young, naive or have the persona that you want to believe the best in people, these traits in you are on the surface great traits, but to a narcissist or psychopath they make you the perfect prey. Forgive yourself for the lack of judgment in marrying these people, they often are extremely charismatic and won’t always reveal their true motives, until after marriage and or children, when they know it’s harder for you to escape. Once you can forgive yourself and see the pattern or red flag behaviors it will be easier for you to spot this in new people and break the cycle.
2. Understand that even though for many years you were probably emotionally abused and made to feel not worthy or enough, you are and always were enough, this projection on you is nothing about your worth and always everything about your ex’s tactics to control and hurt you. Your reaction to them would have been their drug of choice for many years, and this dynamic must be broken once and for all.
3. Let go of the fact that many people around your ex will probably buy into their dramatic victim playing, you may feel anger towards, your ex’s friends, family or work colleagues who have bought into the narcissist or psychopaths award winning dramatic acts, over the course of the divorce. Let this anger go, remember those people are now no longer a part of your life as your ex shouldn’t be, don’t blame them, as they can only see the side they have been shown by your ex. Anger is always a wasted and draining emotion you owe it to yourself to let it go.
4. Spend some time analyzing the true dynamics of what your relationship and marriage were, often in these abusive relationships we are so bam boozled by the gaslighting, playing victim, and emotional abuse inflicted we can’t see the wood for the trees. Once we have divorced and exited these relationships, it will take a while for you to begin to see things exactly how they are. If you are looking for clarification, there are a lot of great articles about narcissists and psychopaths on the internet, that will explain in more detail their behaviors and relationship dynamics, once you really understand what you are dealing with things seem clearer.
5. Seek support, whether on dreamsrecycled or join our Facebook group or any one of many online support groups, understand you are not alone, when you connect with other people who have been through or have recovered from these relationships you feel a lot less isolated and making new friends after a divorce is always an important part of moving on.
6. The top 1 thing everyone after divorce from a narcissist or psychopathy needs to do is disengage. I cannot stress how important this is, disengage fully and forever. These people are not fixable, and will never change. Expect at first the antisocial behaviors to escalate, but whatever they do to get a reaction do not fall for it. Stand firm in your disengagement, three-word text response only for child coordination, no emotion, no aggression, no anything, whatever you feel good bad or otherwise, never let them see your reaction. Eventually the abusive ex will start to look and then sadly find a new target/victim to emotionally feed off.
7. Lastly and in my mind most importantly work on yourself and self-love, your psyche and ego will often be shattered by this type of ex, the stronger we make our selves the less our ex will be able to hurt us, and the stronger and happier we will be in ourselves. Daily positive action, whether, in work, health, or goals gets us to this better place quicker. Throw in a huge heap of daily positive affirmation, and you will feel much more like your old self quicker.
The process of healing and moving on from any divorce won’t be easy, an abusive relationship, will be even harder, but rest assure you leaving these abusive unions, is a huge victory for you, and you should be applauded for having the courage to stand up and say enough is enough. Once you realize that in that act alone you have already won, the possibility to create a happy new life are endless. Having the strength to leave makes you unstoppable, so go out and create the best life you can, you may not feel like it at this moment but you are already halfway there.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/divorce-from-a-psychopath-or-narcissist-is-never-easy_us_59626a70e4b085e766b513b1
Sometimes you can see a toxic relationship heading your way like a bullet train and at other times they creep up on you so slowly you are unaware you are in one until it’s nearly impossible to get out. Most of us have experienced – or are currently in – one or more toxic relationships. We question how they can be avoided and maybe even if we are the toxic person. We may also ponder why, after experiencing past negative toxic relationships before, we continue to draw them into our lives, or why we are continually vulnerable to their lure by Mr. or Ms. Toxic Agent.
The many faces of toxic relationships
Toxic relationships have many faces; they pop up in both our personal (parent-child, siblings, friendships) and occupational (supervisor-employee, coworkers) lives. You know the type – you lend a family member money, or a co-worker your car; or you care for their children while they go on vacation hoping they will one day return the favor. Unfortunately the toxic person doesn’t pay you back, returns your car damaged with no offer to repair it and asks you to watch their children again next vacation without ever offering to watch yours. It doesn’t happen once, it happens repeatedly in different forms. You feel hurt, taken advantage of and angry – at the offender and yourself. Bottom line is: you are consistently being brought down. You feel “used.”
Past negative time perspective and the toxic relationship
The tendency to unconsciously seek out toxic relationships frequently starts with past negative experiences when we are children and might carry on throughout our lives. They can become so deeply ingrained in the way we think and feel that we don’t realize we are steeped in toxicity until—or hopefully when- someone else points it out. The toxic person in our lives (and maybe it’s us), is generally concerned about themselves and their needs; the relationship is classic codependent. The worse form is when that other is your partner or mate, supposedly there forever!
How so?
Generally in a toxic relationship you don’t bring up how you feel; maybe you don’t want the person to be angry because they hold some sort of power over you, or you are holding on to the dream that one day they will wake up, realize their transgressions and make good. And if you do mention their offense, it’s likely to be a backhanded use of passive-aggressive behavior that only you recognize—so it is ineffectual in changing anything for the better. In a follow up column we’ll delve into passive aggressive behavior and time perspectives. But for purposes of this column, we’ll use the following examples of weenie retaliation in toxic relationships:
What you say: “Wish I had the money to fill in the blank, but I don’t.” (present-centered)
What you meant: “Because you never paid me back that money I lent you!” (past negative)
What you say: “Know of a good auto insurance company because my insurance premium just went up.” (present-centered)
What you meant: “Because you crashed my car and wouldn’t own up to it!” (past negative)
What you say: “We can’t go on that couples retreat because we can’t find a babysitter.” (future negative)
What you meant: “We watched your kids for two weeks but you won’t even offer to watch ours for two days!” (past negative/future negative)
Again, unfortunately, you wish they would pick up on the faux pas but they act like they don’t know what you are talking about. Here are examples of what you might have said to help correct the situation:
“Hey, I think it’s a good idea for us to set up a plan for you to pay back that money I lent you; unless you have it now.”
“How are you planning on paying for the damage to my car?”
“We are wondering if you could watch our kids for a couple of days so we can go on a couples’ retreat. We’d really appreciate it.”
You will open a dialogue to a possible resolution. And if not, you’ll know for sure where you stand in the relationship and make future positive plans to move on.
Five signs you’re in a toxic relationship
In our research for this column, we discovered that author Yvette Bowlin distilled the myriad indicators of toxic relationships into the following five signs:
1. It seems like you can’t do anything right– The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.
2. Everything is about them and never about you – You have feelings too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.
3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person – Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
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4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person – You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.
5. You’re not allowed to grow and change – Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good.
Five steps to end a toxic relationship
So how do we get out of toxic relationships? We’ve pared down Borchard’s steps to ending toxic relationships and put our time perspective spin on them:
1. Step out of denial (review past negative behaviors) - Are you energized or drained after spending time with X? Do you want to spend time with X or do you feel like you have to? Do you feel sorry for X? Do you go to X looking for a response that you never get? Do you come away consistently disappointed by X’s comments and behavior? Are you giving way more to the relationship than X? Do you even like X?
2. Identify the perks (discover how you feel in the present) - All relationships, even toxic ones, have hidden benefits. Or why would you stay in them? So identify the perks. Determine what, specifically, you are getting from this relationship. Does X make you feel attractive and sexy? Does helping X with her kids even though it exhausts you relieve your guilt in some twisted way because you feel like your life is easier than hers? Even though X doesn’t treat you well, does she remind you of your verbally abusive mom, and therefore bring you a (toxic) comfort level?
3. Fill the hole (practice selected present hedonism) - Find alternative sources of peace and wholeness - nourish yourself. In other words, do things that make you feel better and in ways so that you don’t have to rely on others. For instance, revisit that project you put on the back burner, learn meditation or yoga, call friends, and remind yourself that you won’t feel this way (sad, angry, upset) forever.
4. Surround yourself with positive people (be pro-social) – Hopefully these folks are working on their boundaries as hard as you are; they aren’t enmeshed in their fair share of toxic relationships and therefore become somewhat toxic themselves. The stuff is contagious. Be smart with whom you choose to hang out.
5. Heal the shame (replace past negative with a bright future positive) – Work toward healing the part of yourself that may be attracting toxic relationships. This may mean exploring past toxic relationships, forgiving yourself for the part you played and realizing that you deserve the right kind of love and attention in order to create a brighter future for yourself.
Let go of the negative past and give love permission to enter your life
Let go of toxic relationships – the past negative people - and experiences and focus on the good things – the past positive experiences; makes plans for a brighter future, and live a fulfilling and more meaningful present.
We leave you with one of our favorite quotes:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you make them feel.”
by Maya Angelou.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201308/toxic-relationships
You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people.
But what defines a toxic person? How do you know that you’re hanging out with one? And if you are,what can you do about it?
We asked two experts to share their take on toxic people along with their insight into navigating these kinds of relationships. Here’s what they had to say about what makes a person toxic, and how you can best deal with one.
So What’s a Toxic Person Really?
It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.
“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”
They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”
According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.
What also feels toxic to you has to do with your reaction to the interaction, said Amy Tatsumi, MA, LPC, a psychotherapist and art therapist in Washington, D.C. Your reactions might include feeling betrayed, withdrawing, numbing yourself or being overly accommodating, she said.
This often happens “when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values.”
Both people play a role in toxic interactions. So it’s important to consider your personal role as well.
“A hallmark of a toxic interaction is that both people have created a conscious or unconscious story with judgment, fear or blame about the other person and boundaries that were crossed,” Tatsumi said.
Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person
Gale shared these signs:
- You’re emotionally affected by their drama
- You dread (or fear) being around them
- You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
- You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
- You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.
- Tatsumi shared these additional signs:
- The other person doesn’t respect the word “No” as a complete sentence
- When you’re with them, you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
- You ignore your own values
- You emotionally “check out”
- You feel like you’re being controlled, or you’re being overly controlling.
Again, it’s important to explore your own role in the interaction. For instance, how do you compromise your own values or boundaries? Do you lash out because you feel misunderstood or not listened to? Do you withdraw because this is how you react to criticism?
What to Do With Toxic Relationships
Gale offered these suggestions for navigating toxic interactions:
- Tell the person how you feel in an assertive way. Use “I” statements. For example: “When you act/do/say _____, I feel _____. What I need is _______. The reason that I am sharing my feelings and needs with you is_______ (because I love you, I want to build a healthy relationship with you etc.).”
- Set and maintain boundaries.
- Focus on taking care of yourself.
- “Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviours.”
Reflect on the relationship, and consider how you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle of relating to the person. For instance, you might be making excuses for them or trying to fix them.
“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.
Ending the relationship may be painful, particularly if you have a long history with the person, she said. “Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/28/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/
When an ex puts your emotional, physical, or financial wellbeing at risk.
Most divorces begin with hurt. Both parties may point the finger at the other person for the demise of the marriage. Accusations of infidelity, mismanagement of money or intrusion of in-laws are relatively common. As the divorce process begins, there may be animosity and heated discussions as decisions regarding the division of property, bank accounts, child visitation and custody arrangements are being made. Over time, people typically adjust to their new situation and the animosity diminishes. Even if one or both parties claim they don’t like each other, attempts are made to establish a civil way to communicate with one another, especially if there are children involved. Sometimes, divorced couples establish a “new” relationship and a friendship develops.
A toxic divorce, however, is a completely different scenario. Many courts define it as a “high conflict divorce” where each party escalates the contention. The toxic divorce, as I define it, is when one party wants to dissolve the marriage in a more equitable way while the other person not only refuses to cooperate, but they create a consistent string of chaos and ill will. Toxic behaviors may include stalking, harassment, threats made to one’s physical safety and health, hiding marital assets, sullying a person’s reputation, damaging property, and alienating children from the targeted parent.
Toxic divorces tend to last longer than a typical divorce; some as long as eight to ten years as one person continues to block the divorce progress at every turn. As the targeted partner tries to develop a new life, the former partner will often escalate the contention and extend the toxicity to the target’s new friends, a love interest, family members or employers.
The first line of defense in navigating around a toxic divorce is finding an attorney whose definition of a toxic divorce includes predicting the possible extreme behavior that can be exhibited by the warring partner. These behaviors may include refusing to pay child support, violating child custody or visitation, attempts to destroy the reputation of the targeted spouse with their friends, family, and employers and to alienate the children. It’s critical that the targeted partner’s attorney has the skill-set to mitigate much of these behaviors by defining a very specific settlement written into the divorce decree. The items in the decree such as child custody/visitation, division of property, and child support/alimony must be defined with great detail. For example, a visitation schedule that reads, “The children are to visit with the father (or mother) every other Friday for the weekend” may work for most of the divorced population whose efforts are to protect the health and well-being of the children. However, a statement like this will be a nightmare for the targeted parent. A person whose mission is to be contentious will likely bring the children home at 11:59 p.m. on Sunday nights. Although bringing the children home at this time may fall within the guidelines of the agreement, the action to bring children home late on a school night makes it evident that the intentions are to upset the targeted parent.
To avoid these potential situations, a more specific statement such as, “The father (or mother) is to pick up the children every other Friday, beginning on (the first date) at 4:30 p.m. at (named location). The father (or mother) is to return the children to the mother (or father) (named location) the Sunday of each of his/her weekend no later than 6:00 p.m. (EST).
Additionally, I strongly suggest that someone going through a toxic divorce secure a court appointed judge for their case. Since toxic divorces typically spend a great deal of time in court, a judge who is familiar with the case can make better decisions regarding the case and impose sanctions/punishments, if necessary. If a judge determines that one of the parties is creating a long-term unrelenting toxic situation, the judge has the power to take drastic measures to diffuse the contention. For example, if a spouse refuses to pay child support or reduces it without court approval, a judge can take action by writing a court order to have the monies taken out of the person’s salary to be paid directly to the recipient.
Another important step to mitigate a toxic divorce is the use of trustees. Trustees are attorneys that help you dissolve marital assets such as cash, real estate, cars, boats, art, vacation homes, pensions, retirement accounts or jewelry. Expecting the contentious spouse to be “fair,” while selling or re-appointing marital assets, is unrealistic so all property must be handled by a third party. Trustees will itemize everything and decide how they are to be divided, where and when.
A contentious unrelenting divorce will wreak havoc on one’s physical and emotional health so it is imperative to assure that self-care is a priority. It is common for people to place their children’s needs, their jobs and household responsibilities above their own health. I believe it is essential to carve out specific time each day to refresh and nourish oneself. This may be achieved through physical activity or quiet meditation. Whatever the preferred modality for rejuvenation, it must be consistent so that one has the emotional and physical strength to effectively circumvent the constant and escalated conflicts.
It is essential to have a strong support system, even if that is only two or three people. These should be people who are trusted and empathetic to what is going on. It’s a good idea to have a “check-in” system with one or two people where a text, email or phone call is made every day to assure that the targeted spouse is safe. This is especially necessary if there has been physical violence in the past. If there have been threats of or actual physical violence, a report should be made to the police and a protective order may be put into effect. Protective orders set boundaries that keep the offender a specified distance from their target. Protective orders are very serious and violations of them may result in jail time.
A toxic divorce is very challenging and will push the targeted individual to exhaustion. A targeted person needs to remember that they cannot change the behavior of the person who has made it their main objective to create chaos for the target. The only way to effectively diminish the impact of the toxic divorce is to limit one’s response to their antics and maintain as much emotional composure as possible. Toxic divorces are overwhelming so it is better to take each day one at a time, each step one at a time.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201707/how-handle-toxic-divorce
“We would do ourselves a tremendous favor by letting go of the people who poison our spirit.” ~Unknown
My husband and I both have living grandparents. My daughter has met the grandparents on my husband’s side, but she hasn’t met mine. Some think I’m cruel for not taking her to meet my grandmother because I had an excellent relationship with my great grandparents.
Some ask why I haven’t contacted her in the two years since my only child was born. I could give a long drawn-out response and try to explain why I gave up on a relationship with my maternal grandmother. But most don’t understand, and I choose to spend my time in more productive ways.
Instead, I keep the answer short and simple: She’s toxic.
That’s it. She is a toxic person, and I’m done letting her eat away at my soul bit by bit just because she shares a fraction of my DNA.
There is a lot of advice out there about how to distance yourself from toxic people and relationships, but it’s never as easy as it sounds. I had a lot of mixed feelings about ending my relationship with my grandmother. She had always been a part of my life, albeit a mostly negative part.
The truth is, removing toxicity from any area of your life is a process. There is a certain amount of mourning that goes into cutting ties with someone. It’s almost as if the person has died, except you have to resist the urge to resurrect her because that option is still there.
When I first began the process, I felt conflicted. Suddenly, all the bad didn’t seem so bad anymore. I started remembering the good times.
I remembered exploring with my cousins on the acres of my grandmother’s land. I remembered taking my pick from her complete library of animated Disney movies. I remembered playing hide and seek in her huge garden amongst the fully grown stalks of corn.
But then I realized something. None of those memories directly involved my grandmother. And the memories that did involve her still leave a sour taste in my mouth.
I remember the time she forced me to sit at the dinner table for hours after everyone else had finished because I didn’t like her spaghetti. I also remember the time I drew a picture for her, and she told me it was ugly. And I can’t forget when she let our family cat die while my family was on vacation because she didn’t feel like feeding her.
If you are grappling with the prospect of removing a toxic person from your life, ask yourself these questions:
What positives does this person bring to my life?
How does this person make me feel?
Is the relationship mutually beneficial?
Do I dread interactions with this person?
If your answers to these questions are mostly negative or you realize you are trying to convince yourself that “it’s not that bad,” it is time to take a step back from the relationship.
In many cases, removing toxicity does not require ending the relationship. You may simply need to take time away and set the appropriate boundaries before allowing this person back into your life.
However, as was the case with my grandmother, the person may be so toxic and the resentment may run so deep that it is necessary to completely end contact with the person. You can choose to do this all at once or make it a gradual fading-out. Either way, you must cut off the relationship for the sake of your emotional (and sometimes physical) health.
I made the decision to cut my grandmother out of my life when I pictured my daughter having experiences similar to mine. I couldn’t bear to see my precious child treated the same way my grandmother had treated me and the rest of her grandchildren. I realized that I have the power to keep that from happening.
I decided that the cycle of emotional abuse and toxic behavior would end with me. My grandmother wouldn’t be given the opportunity to hurt my child like she had hurt me, my mother, and so many others in her life.
It’s true that we will be hurt. Our children will be hurt. But this hurt shouldn’t come from the people we are supposed to trust and claim to care for us.
When I realized this, suddenly the process wasn’t so painful anymore. The possible negative consequences for keeping my grandmother in my life were worse than any positives she might bring to the table.
Instead of keeping someone around based on biological ties or perceived obligation, choose to put your well-being first and free yourself from the toxicity.
Choose to surround yourself with love, support, and safety and embrace your emotional freedom
Source: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/dealing-with-toxic-relationships-and-finding-emotional-freedom/
