Recently, I wrote an article about the Malignant Divorce. These are cases that spin out of control in dark and often dangerous ways. Over the next few months I'll continue this conversation, because even when a divorce is not particularly toxic, there are still moments in most divorces when you still have to protect yourself. And if you are in the midst of a Malignant Divorce, forewarned is forearmed. This post offers a direct follow up to the first tip that was referenced in the article. In simple words: if you're trapped in a malignant situation, you must come to terms with the kind of person your ex spouse has become. And if you don't, you're in trouble. The Intelligent Divorce book series promotes a rational approach to dissolving a family even though feelings are charged. We are not looking for perfect behavior here. Parents under the stress of money worries, legal concerns, stories of betrayal, and uncertainty about the future are going to make mistakes—even big mistakes. But there is so much at stake for their children, that it is worth stepping back and trying to divorce in as intelligent a way as possible. I am not arguing for the easy divorce, just a more intelligent one. For the record (and, if it's not obvious), intelligent does not mean stupid. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to hang tough, not be particularly friendly and set good limits. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to recognize that you are dealing with a spouse who is out to hurt you or your children. And, there are cases when all your communication must be done through attorneys because a moment on the phone or in person is just too loaded. A Malignant Divorce is instigated when one party simply wants to win at all costs. In these cases, intelligence is using all of your wits just to survive. Here is the first point (of seven) that I made in the original overview of The Malignant Divorce. You are dealing with an ex-spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy. When getting a divorce you must be aware of whom you are dealing with. This may not be as easy as it appears; after all you were living with him for a number of years and may perceive his behavior as normal—or at least tolerable, when it is anything but. More fundamentally, your ex-husband or ex-wife may not be quite the same person he or she was during the marriage. It is called regression, and it is not a good thing. The stress of divorce, which includes the instinct of self preservation, can make your ex (or you, for that matter) function at a more primitive and therefore, less healthy manner.The Intelligent Divorce; Taking Care of Yourself outlines ten common Character Traps that people fall into when regressed. For those professionals reading this piece, I use the concept of a Character Trap, instead of the more diagnostic term, Personality Disorder, because these primitive, and sometimes, dangerous regressions are often time limited to the years surrounding the divorce. Unlike Personality Disorders which have a strong degree of permanence, Character Traps describes a phenomena of stress induced dysfunction that is often less obvious beforehand or years later. Character Traps are a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a Character Trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an unambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. You will give him the benefit of the doubt (which in normal cases builds trust) and he exploits it. She says something bad about you to the kids, and you let it pass (which in normal cases may just be an isolated incident) and she sees herself as vindicated by your silence. That is why it is so important to wake up and realize with whom you may be dealing. Regressed people often "know" that they are right, and therefore have a powerful moral authority to do as they please. This is a dangerous recipe for abuse that can range from financial manipulation, to parental alienation (from mild to severe), to kidnapping or even, rarely—murder. Today, we'll go over the Character Traps (your ex can have more than one) that can set off a Malignant Divorce: The Victim: This Character Trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She believes that she lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you've done (This Character Trap only applies when it is a distortion of the truth—note that it can be adaptive if an ex-spouse is truly dangerous). Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic. I have seen terrible things done in the name of victimhood. If you are dealing with any Character Trap therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story. The Control Freak: He was probably always controlling during your marriage, and because of regression, he has become far worse. In these cases, the control freak is really very anxious, but manages it by planning everything so that he cannot lose. He may set you up and then document your "incompetence", bringing copious notes to court to prove how capable he is and how irresponsible you are (for an example, turn to Alfred Hitchcock's Gaslight). The control freak can easily hide your mutual monies, because many are good businessmen who have control of the accounts. The control freak is unambivelent in his wish to win, and the more capable they are, the more work you will have in protecting yourself. Since you were married to him for a number of years, you may also be intimidated by the power of his relentless assault to your very legitimacy. Once again, therapy is mandatory. The Narcissist: This Character Trap carries the same name as the personality disorder. The narcissist is completely self-centered and self-serving. In this case, your husband probably had some narcissistic tendencies before the divorce. Some warning signs include: a need for admiration, a need to be right, a need to be seen by the community as a great guy, and a need to criticize you privately for not meeting his standards. In addition, he's probably a charismatic and successful guy (maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place) who casually uses his charisma to get what he wants—often at the expense of other people. Now, your ex has regressed into a more severe form of narcissism. With the divorce, he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community. And, need I say it? An excellent therapist can help. The Avenger: This character trap is very dangerous and can be a natural extension of the victim, the control freak or the narcissist—if taken to an extreme. The avenger doesn't just want to win, she wants you to lose. She will not be satisfied until you are hurting. Many roads lead to Rome and many paths lead to the avenger. Melanie Klein, the great British psychoanalyst wrote about this psychology when she talked about envy, which she defined as "the pleasure one gets in destroying the good that another person has." There is a sense of urgency with an avenger. In a divorce, most people have a moment when they may consider some kind of revenge. It is normal to want to hurt a person that hurt you. But the vast majority of people see that there are two sides to most stories, and furthermore they just want to move on with their lives, if for no other reason than to give their children a brighter future. The avenger sees revenge as an end in itself. In my experience, when the avenger is combined with the victim Character Trap, such people can lose touch with reality. She will stop at nothing to make sure that you cannot be happy. At its worse, the kids literally become pawns in an evil game. In recent years, the politically charged label of parental alienation has been buttressed by research supporting that this insidious dynamic is probably a real phenomenon. Parental alienation is an attempt to deprive you of your children through a form of brainwashing. And what about kidnapping or murder? The avenger may really think, "If I can't have them, he sure won't." Or, "If I don't keep them from him, no one will." If you think that you are dealing with an ex-spouse who has these tendencies, then you will need a good attorney, a great therapist, and a familiarly with how to constructively use the police and the legal system. Forewarned is forearmed; and that is the intelligent approach to a Malignant Divorce. Years from now, your ex may be surprisingly easy to deal with. Time sometimes heals, as long as not too much damage has been done along the way. Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201111/do-you-have-impossible-ex
When you and your ex-spouse choose collaborative divorce, you make a commitment to keep matters out of court and focus on problem-solving in a confidential, private setting. Collaborative divorce is beneficial in that you and your ex-spouse have access to an entire team of experts, including mental health professionals to help you through the difficult and overwhelming experience of a divorce. What happens then, if you and your ex-spouse do not agree to a collaborative divorce? Can you retain your own team of experts, specifically mental health professionals? And is it worthwhile? 1. Types of Mental Health Professionals: Before we dive into the benefits of enlisting the assistance of mental health professionals in divorce, let’s look at the types of mental health experts available to you in divorce. One mental health expert may be a therapist/counselor. A therapist/counselor can assist you in managing the stresses of divorce, including your expectations of the outcome. A therapist/counselor can also help you develop new relationship skills that are valuable both during and after divorce. If you have children with your ex-spouse, this is especially true because you must co-parent with each other after the divorce is final. Another mental health professional you may consider to enlist is a custody mediator who helps you and your ex-spouse determine a mutual agreement regarding custody and visitation. This is an ideal option if you and your ex-spouse are on good terms and you both believe a compromise is feasible. Another option is a parenting coordinator, who can assist you and your ex-spouse resolve smaller issues like holiday pickup arrangements and communication disputes. If you and your ex-spouse are in a litigious custody battle, talk to your attorney about hiring a custody evaluator. A custody evaluator makes an expert recommendation to the court regarding custody and a suitable parenting plan. 2. Benefits Of Hiring A Mental Health Professional In Divorce: What are the benefits in hiring a mental health professional in your divorce? William A. Eddy, president of the High Conflict Institute of San Diego says that having a mental health professional on board “can be helpful in calming emotions, clarifying expectations and helping discuss difficult issues.” However, he cautions individuals who hire a therapist/counselor during divorce because “while they can be helpful for support and making personal changes, they really need to be good at staying in the role of therapist and not becoming an advocate, especially if they get emotionally hooked into one person’s point of view and can reinforce the worst fears and anger.” Before deciding on a mental health professional, do your due diligence and conduct your own research before you entrust the personal details of your life to a professional. 3. When Should A Mental Health Professional Be Employed In Your Divorce? Deciding on whether to enlist the help of a mental health professional is a personal decision. Consider therapy if you believe it can offer support and assistance in your own personal growth during and after divorce. Consider therapy if you are struggling with mental illness, which may be triggered or exacerbated by the circumstances surrounding your divorce. Talk to your attorney to determine if a custody mediator or custody evaluator is needed to resolve disputed custody issues in your divorce. Your attorney may have insight as to whether these third party experts will be helpful to your case. If you believe your children need therapy because of the divorce, Mr. Eddy cautions parents and states that “many people put their children into counseling during a difficult divorce, when it’s really the parents who need the counseling.” Instead, Mr. Eddy proposes that wise parents “tell their child that they want him/her to see a therapist for 2-3 times, then it’s up to the child whether he or she wants to go back from time to time. That way the child doesn’t feel trapped in therapy.” If you put your child in therapy, remember to respect his or her privacy and do not question them about what was discussed in counseling. The goal in enlisting mental health professionals in your divorce is to help you move forward. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help, especially if it will get you to a better place emotionally and spiritually. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-usin_b_6706706.html
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse. While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider: 1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments. 2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed. 3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward. 4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney. For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
Family law firms always see a sharp rise in clients in the New Year. In fact the first working Monday of the year is known as Divorce Day as they receive so many enquiries about getting a divorce. So what is behind this peak so soon after Christmas? Why are there so many people wanting to start divorce proceedings as soon as the festive period comes to an end, a time traditionally known for being together with family? It’s a sad fact that as many as 42% of couples find themselves heading for divorce in the UK. This figure is as high as 50% in the USA. Divorce is not an easy process, in fact it’s known as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one. It involves a rollercoaster of emotions and many new practical challenges so we need to give it careful consideration when we decide to leave a marriage. The new year peak in starting divorce proceedings is the same every year. There are several factors that cause this and things to look out for:
• Spending quality time with the family in the holidays if you have a solid relationship can make it even stronger. However if the foundations of the relationship are rocky spending increased amounts of time together can increase the pressure and the cracks will start to show. • Over Xmas the usual routine of work and school runs is disrupted. We are no longer distracted by them and so we have more time to focus on the relationship and how it is going. It is under more scrutiny as couples are spending more time together. • Many people have actually decided to break up well before Christmas will have made the decision to get through the festive period as not to upset the family, especially if there are children involved, and then leave in the new year. • Spending time with extended family often puts a lot of pressure on a couple. Tensions can mount if they don’t get along well or have to walk on egg shells around each other’s family. • Couples often have different expectations of the Christmas holidays. If one sees it as a chance to put their feet up as they are not at work and the other is left to entertain the kids or cook for everyone it can cause arguments. • Financial pressures can mount over Christmas as pressure to provide the latest gift for the children and feed the extended family for days on end can be extremely high. This can inevitably cause arguments and tension for couples. • It’s the season for parties and drinking and if your relationship is already on the rocks it can sadly be a trigger for infidelity. All these festive period pressures can reach a crescendo, what I call a switch flicking moment, when something tips the balance and you decide you just can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough and you want out. Unfortunately this is the case for many couples and why the divorce rate peaks in the new year. However if you are aware of this there are things you can do to help your relationship survive Christmas. Here are my 7 top tips to avoiding breaking up over Christmas: • Don’t let problems fester. If there are any issues raise them with your partner and work together to sort them out before any irreparable damage is done. • Set aside some time to discuss what you want from the holidays and how you see it working. Make a plan that you both agree to and are happy with. • Agree a financial budget for the Christmas period in advance and stick to it. • Make a conscious decision to stay calm and to keep spirits up over Christmas. Don’t be the person who brings the mood down. • Do your best to get along with the in laws and extended family. Agree to keep visits to a minimum if you know they always cause unnecessary stress. • Keep the love alive: Be affectionate and playful with your partner. Arrange quality alone time over the holidays where you spend time together doing the things you love. • Don’t take things too seriously: Keep perspective on the magnitude and significance of things that might trigger an argument. Remember you can diffuse an argument before it happens by choosing to react with love. For example giving them a hug or telling them you love them can diffuse the tension in a heartbeat if you do it sincerely. The key to any successful relationship is good communication. Find a way that works for you both and remember that you will both have different methods of communicating how you feel. Sticking your head in the sand isn’t a great way to deal with issues and it’s always best to nip them in the bud right away. However it’s never too late to start communicating better with your partner. Be kind, respectful and empathetic towards each other and you will find that your relationship can overcome many obstacles. Sara Davison is an expert break-up, separation and divorce coach, author, and speaker who has developed the UK’s first Divorce Coaching program providing individuals with the tools, techniques and support needed to help navigate and cope with the process of divorce. Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/is-christmas-the-season-t_b_13454972.html
While co-parenting is advised by experts as an optimal situation for a child’s well-being after divorce, attempting to do so with an ex who has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder is usually unsuccessful. In most cases, an amicable relationship can’t be achieved between parents and parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be attempted.
Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents—to feel it is okay to love both of their parents. Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist, reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment, and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when parents don’t get along or one parent has a high-conflict personality.
What is the solution for parents who want their children to have access to both parents but have high conflict? According to Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “Parallel Parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”
In other words, parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another (and have a parenting plan) while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc.) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately. According to parenting expert, Dr. Kruk, children of divorce benefit from strong and healthy relationships with both parents and they need to be shielded from their parents’ conflicts. He writes: “Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both parents.” For instance, Ben and his ex-wife Alyssa divorced two years ago and their attempts to co-parent have been disastrous. After interviewing them and their two children (separately and together) it appears that the conflict between Ben and Alyssa is so intense that their two daughters often feel loyalty conflicts. According to Ben, Alyssa frequently bad-mouths him and criticizes his parenting. Describing his ex as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Ben says that interacting with each other at drop-offs, making shared decisions, or even speaking to her has been an incredible challenge.
In most cases, trying to co-parent cooperatively or having an amicable relationship with an ex who has a high-conflict personality or a personality disorder is problematic and not a realistic expectation because they’re so focused on themselves and their needs. According to family therapist Virginia Gilbert, MFT, attempts to co-parent with a narcissist will keep you engaged in a battle. She writes: “Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn’t wise to be “authentic” with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential in managing a high-conflict divorce.”
When parents argue excessively and for too long, it can leave children feeling insecure and fearful. Even if it’s not the parents’ intention to cause harm, ongoing conflict can threaten a child’s sense of safety. Truth be told, parents forget that children are vulnerable to feeling in the middle between their parents’ arguments. High parental conflict can send them into high alert. As a result, children may have difficulty sleeping, concentrating on school or social activities, or be plagued with fear and anxiety about their future. Fortunately, there are plenty of things you can do to prevent your children from the damaging impact of long-term conflict during and after divorce. This process won’t be easy but is possible with a willingness to work on changing your approach and using the strategies outlined below.
7 Steps to successful parenting with a high-conflict ex-partner:
Don’t tolerate demeaning or abusive behavior from your ex and be sure that you and your children feel safe. This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your former partner. If you plan for the worst (and don’t expect that your ex will have moved on or be caring) you’ll be less likely to be blindsided by his/her attempts to control or get back at you. Be sure to save all abusive emails and text messages. Don’t respond to them since this can perpetuate more abuse. Do accept help from counselors, mediators, or other helping professionals. Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist. Use a third party mediator when needed. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful dealing with survivors of a relationship with an ex who has a personality disorder. Be sure to ask a therapist if they have experience with this treatment method. Keep your eye on the big picture in terms of your children’s future. Although it’s stressful trying to co-parent or even parallel parent with a difficult ex, it’s probably in the best interest of your children. Adopt realistic expectations and pat yourself on the back for working at this challenging relationship for your kids. Focus on the only thing you can control—your behavior! You alone are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her. Minimize contact and set boundaries with your ex. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. Be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him/her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if he/she tries to persuade you to reunite, say something like: “I tried to make this relationship work. Nothing has changed and it’s not healthy for us to stay together. I wish you well.” Don’t express genuine emotion to your ex or apologize for wrongdoing in the relationship. If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according toVirginia Gilbert, MFT. Make sure you have a parenting plan that is structured and highly specific—spelling out schedules, holidays, vacations, etc. to minimize conflict. Using a communication notebook to share important details with your ex can be an essential tool and help you stay detached and business-like. It’s crucial that you take an honest look at the impact your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and possibly your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with a high conflict personality—your life will greatly improve. After all, you deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness! Go for it! Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/successful-post-divorce-parenting-high-conflict-ex-fiff/
