One of the issues with divorce parenting is the question of relationship role modelling. How will children learn what a good relationship looks like if they never see one? How will they learn how to treat someone in a marriage? More specifially—how will they learn to deal with conflict? This is a sensitive issue for me, because I blame conflict avoidance in large part for the demise of my marriage to my children’s father. I have learned that in order to keep a relationship healthy, you can’t let things simmer below the surface for years.
I don’t know how valid of a concern this is, since children are actually in relationships already—just not romantic ones. In fact, I think the sibling relationship is a pretty good foundation for learning how to treat people you live with, but even if kids don’t have siblings, they have parents, teachers, and friends. But since most if not all divorced parents have guilt and anxiety about parenting—and they tell me non-divorced parents also have guilt and anxiety about parenting as well—I thought it was a nice subject to obsess about for an afternoon.
My kids and I have been cohabitating with my SigO for several years now. He and I present (I think anyway) a stable relationship role model for the children. But is it too stable? The nature of shared parenting allows us to do all our fighting when the kids aren’t home, or at least when they are sound asleep. The boys have never seen us fight. Oh sure, they have witnessed a clipped sentence followed by, “We’ll talk about that later,” on one or two occasions, but by-and-large we present as a happy couple that never argues. Which is a lie.
The current parenting trend is one that discourages arguing in general. We expect our precious little darlings to talk it out and never raise their voices to each other, which is all well and good in a utopia, but not actually how I operate in my own life.
Sometimes I get mad at my SigO. Sometimes I use a harsh tone of voice. Sometimes I am completely irrational and refuse to back down and it is only after an hour of arguing with him that I can finally see my own part in the problem. OK, full disclosure, sometimes it is a few days before I am ready to compromise. And I don’t think this is that unusual.
For example, yesterday my SigO cleaned the whole house and put the dish soap under the sink. I put the dish soap back on the counter when I washed dishes and left it there, because dish soap belongs on the counter. He came in the kitchen and put it back under the sink. We had words about the ideal location for dish soap, and they weren’t all philosophical.
I think a lot of stupid arguments aren’t actually stupid, they are just about the wrong things. We fight over things like dish soap when we really are mad about who cleans the most, or who makes the bigger mess. In this instance, my SigO is definitely a far more thorough house cleaner than I am, and I provide the things that make the most mess—children and pets. But I am the one who cleans most often, and therefore feel like I get to decide where the dish soap resides, since I use it most of the time. But of course this whole spat (and its resolution) happened out of sight of the children. By the time they came home from Daddy’s everything was smooth and easy again.
I don’t want to fight with my SigO in front of the children. I don’t want to argue with anyone in front of the children. So how are my kids going to learn that it is OK to fight, sometimes necessary to fight (particularly if they live with someone who hides the dish soap) and that there are acceptable ways to argue and ways that cross the line? I spent several hours of a road trip contemplating my failure as a parent for not role-modeling conflict resolution, before I came to an important realisation:
In less than two years my eldest will become a teenager. This will naturally present all the angst and strife we will need! I am sure we can all look forward to several years of arguments around the dinner table and in the hallway at midnight. I’ll relax, and keep our grownup strife out of their view for just a little while longer.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/are-we-too-stable-conflict-role-modeling-after-divorce_us_5930254ee4b017b267ee0099
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
When the heck is the divorce fighting going to end? My friend John is 11 years separated from his ex and at least 7 years divorced and they’re still at it. Like cats and dogs.
They had one of those text fights the other day. You know, the kind where you send a text and get one back that’s a little nasty. So then you reply with a bit of edge only to get one back that’s just as sharp. Before you know it, about a dozen texts fly back and forth with each of you trying to be more clever and biting than the other.
And what did it get you? High blood pressure, a couple of grey hairs and a few seconds off your life.
Why are they still angry at each other? Didn’t they get divorced so that they could be apart from each other for good?
Well, they have children together. Like it or not, they still have to deal with one another for many more years.
So many people falsely believe that once they divorce, somehow all their problems will go away. In some cases, the divorce fighting become worse.
When married, if you have a difference of opinion you work it out one-way or the other. At best you’ll compromise. At worst you’ll fight until someone gives in but either way, you figure it out.
When divorced, a difference of opinion can land you back in court if you don’t have a solid conflict resolution plan in place. This sort of plan is best hashed out during your divorce to help resolve future disputes.
Like so many divorced people with kids between them I too have had so many of these encounters that I’m starting to lose track. It isn’t easy. At this rate, I’ll probably lose about eight minutes off my life!
So what’s the answer? How do you stop the fighting?
Although John and his ex do have a conflict resolution plan written into their divorce agreement, it still is costly.
Theirs says that if they cannot come to an agreement concerning an issue, they go to a mediator for up to three sessions. If an agreement still cannot be reached, they must go to family court.
John is a regular working guy and neither he nor his ex can really afford to go this route every time they disagree so they usually just keep fighting
.
Well, John desperately needed a change from the madness so I suggested he call a truce.
Look, the divorce fighting is eating away at you. I can see how stressed out you are so why don’t you try treating each other as you would any stranger you met at a cocktail party or even on the street? Maybe if you are at least polite and respectful to one another, the fighting may lessen and your problems may be easier to handle.
Seems reasonable, right?
We all know how to smile, say please and thank you. We all know how to wish each other a nice day. So why does that everyday common courtesy so often go out the window with our exes? Is it because the emotions are still raw, even years later? Is it because we know exactly which buttons to press?
So John and his ex agreed to treat each other as they would any stranger on the street. Believe it or not, this would be a huge step up for them. I mean they were both really sick of the constant mean divorce fighting.
They agreed to a truce and since they were now officially on ‘better terms’, she immediately asked him for a few favors.
Had he made a mistake? When would the take, take, take attitude end?
Well, he did just say that he would try this truce out and someone has to take the first step so he fulfilled those favors in the hopes of a new and more peaceful future.
I have to admit I felt a bit used. I mean the words about calling a truce were barely out of my mouth and she asked for three favors! Well, I was the one who wanted this and I did say I would try so... whatever.
I saw him about a week or so later and asked how it was going. John said,
I have to tell you that without a doubt I definitely felt a lot less stress almost immediately. Seriously. It used to be that I would totally tense up and my breathing would literally restrict at a mere email from my ex. I’m not kidding, my chest would constrict because I knew any message from her was likely the start of another fight! Now I feel like I can breathe again.
The fortunate timing of school’s end helped their plan along.
The truce had been declared mid June and they were now faced with the wide-open promise of summer.
The kids were in camp and the fighting was soon a distant memory. There was little to no reason to communicate with each other for the entire length of the summer so he felt pretty good about how well their decision had been going.
What a great summer!
Then school started again...
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/al-corona/divorce-fighting-does-it-_b_12400778.html?utm_hp_ref=life-after-divorce
Ending a long term relationship is always hard but sometimes it gets ugly – really ugly – despite the most courageous efforts for it to be otherwise.
It doesn’t always take two to tango – unless you count one to set the pace and one to get dragged along in a savage tailwind. Of course, when there are two people acting to maim, the ugliness will be all the uglier, but it only takes one person being nasty, unreasonable and manipulative to turn a relationship malignant.
Ending a bad relationship doesn’t make the toxicity immediately wash away. Sometimes it will get worse before it gets better but always, if the relationship was a bad one, it will be worth it. Walking away takes self-respect, self-love and courage and is the only way to position yourself (and your kids if you have them) for the life you deserve.
You can’t change other people, but you would know that by now – it’s probably this wisdom that walked you out the door. If your divorce has turned into a slugfight, there are ways to look after yourself (and your kids) until you reach solid ground – which you will.
1. Be honest. And don’t let them change you.
This is important. It’s also really hard. Ask yourself, with an open heart, if you’re doing everything you can to be reasonable. None of us are perfect and a divorce can make the best of us act … how to put it without losing you … in ways that we might not be proud of.
If I’m being honest (and this is the time for it) I’m not divorced but I can tell you that I’ve had fights with my husband where I’ve been a bit of an arse for a day or so following – not because he’s deserved it, but because I’ve felt so jaded. It may have happened more than once. But definitely probably less than 10 50. I’m sure it will happen again. High emotion, shame and heartache can steal you – I know – but don’t hand over your dignity by acting in ways that are beneath you. Sometimes it’s the only thing they can’t touch. Be honest, brave and always self-respectful. If you’re acting like someone you wouldn’t want to go camping with, stop.
2. A divorce is many things. Failure is not one of them.
The end of a relationship doesn’t mean your decision to be with your ex-partner in the first place was flawed. The success of a relationship isn’t determined by how long it lasts. The investment of love and energy in a relationship will always be worth it, but it won’t necessarily guarantee forever. The past is the past and sometimes love, time, commitment and desire don’t stretch as far ahead in years as we’d like them to – and that’s okay.
People change. Circumstances change. Relationships change. In a Harvard study, psychology researcher Daniel Gilbert and colleagues found that people underestimate how much they will change in the future. We change a lot. Sometimes it’s in the same direction as the person we love and sometimes we veer sharply in a different one. Sometimes we wake up next to each other and realise we couldn’t be further apart. It happens. It’s part of being human.
3. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to do enough.
Life changes sharply when a relationship breaks down. You don’t have to do everything the way you used to. You don’t have to do everything, fullstop. You just have to do enough. Figure out what that looks like and go with it. You deserve the freedom that comes from that.
4. See the response of your ex-partner for what it is.
When a marriage or relationship breaks down it will likely bring shame, and breathe life into every fear of not being good enough, normal enough, successful enough and perhaps most heartbreakingly, loveable enough. People have all sorts of responses to shame, some of which are completely unfathomable to those of us looking in from the outside. When shame is involved, people will do anything to protect themselves. Here are a few. You might also recognise some in yourself from time to time.The more awareness you have around what you’re doing, the more capacity you’ll have to stop it:
♦ They might be cruel.
If you were the one to leave, there’s probably been a shift in power from your ex-partner to you. It’s likely he or she will be feeling disempowered, ineffective and small. Cruelty is an attempt to reverse this by shrinking you. You can’t stop them trying. But you can stop it working.
♦ They might criticise your choices and accuse you of being out of control.
You’re not out of control – just out of their control. Any choice you make in independence will send a message like a slap that yor’re no longer under their influence. As with anything, when what people have always done (control, disrespect, manipulate) stops working, they will do it even more before they stop. It’s human nature. Hold tight and keep going.
♦ They might manipulate.
Manipulation is a way for people to get what they want without being rejected, by taking away the option to say, ‘no’. For people who manipulate, ‘no’ doesn’t feel like a rejection of a request, it feels like a rejection of them. As a result, they’ll do whatever is necessary to get their needs met without putting themselves in the position of being rejected. You might not be together any more, but you’ll still have things that they want – the kids, attention, co-operation, your happiness, your power. Sadly for some people your disrespect will be easier to handle than your ‘no’.
♦ They might get angry.
Anger always exists to protect more vulnerable feelings such grief, fear or inadequacy from pushing to the surface. When a relationship ends, there will be feelings of deep loss, sadness and disconnection that can feel frighteningly bottomless. It’s much easier to attach these intense feelings to a target (you) than to acknowledge them..
♦ They might try to control you.
All control is an attempt to relieve anxiety – around uncertainty, around not getting what they want, about things not going to (their) plan, about losing you. It’s not the best way to go about it and there are plenty of people who deal with their anxiety without needing to control people, but some people don’t know how to do it any other way.
5. Just because it feels bad to stay, doesn’t mean it will feel good to leave.
Even if it’s a change that’s going to be good for you, there will still be huge life adjustments that need to be made. Don’t take bad feelings as a stop sign. You’re acting with courage and positioning yourself for what you deserve – a life filled with love, happiness and security. Keep going. Take the discomfort as evidence of the gap between the life you’ve been living and the life you’re about to. That’s a good thing. You deserve more than you’ve had.
6. Kids: The opportunity to teach them.
If you have kids, know that you’re teaching important lessons, no matter what. Even if your ex partner is being a toxic, nasty, manipulative [insert your own word here], the way you deal with that will model important life lessons for your kids. If everything is always honey and roses, kids won’t have as many opportunities to learn about the challenges that come with living life. Here are some of the lessons you’ll be teaching:
They’ll see: A relationship gone bad.
Teach them: ‘The good ones are worth the greatest risk. The bad ones always have something to teach. It’s always okay to walk away.’
They’ll see: Their other parent is good to them and awful to you.
Teach them: ‘You won’t get on with everyone – and that’s okay. You don’t have. It doesn’t mean the other person is bad, sometimes they can be wonderful. It just means the combination of the two of you doesn’t work.’
They’ll see: The people they love and depend on get sad.
Teach them: ‘Even grown-ups get sad sometimes but that doesn’t stop them from being happy most of the time. I’ll be okay and so will you. People feel better after crying because it’s the body’s way of feeling better.’ (According to biochemist William Frey, sad tears contain stress hormones and toxins that accumulate in the body during stress. Crying is the body’s way of cleansing itself.)
They’ll see: People aren’t always nice to each other and sometimes, they’ll try to turn you against people you care about.
Teach them: ‘When people say mean things it’s always because they’re trying to make someone feel as bad as they do. Just because someone says things, doesn’t mean those things true. People have all sorts of reasons for saying mean things and sometimes the truth isn’t one of them.
They’ll see: Sometimes life gets hard.
Teach them: ‘The greatest lessons come from the hardest things. Whenever you go through anything difficult you’ll always – always – come through wiser, stronger and braver than you were before. Wherever there’s a dip a rise will always follow.’
7. Have self compassion.
It doesn’t work when other people are cruel to you (because you have too much self-respect for that, right) and it doesn’t work when you’re mean to yourself. Self-critism, self-blame and your inner self critic will fall you if you let it. There is a part in all of us that’s vulnerable, receptive and open to love, approval and being noticed. Speak to yourself as though that part is always listening, because it is. Make sure the things you say to yourself are kind, loving and compassionate. If it’s not your way to be kind to yourself, try it – and watch things change for you.
8. Accept that it’s going to get unacceptable.
Unhappiness comes from the divide between what we expect and what we have. Let go of thinking that this whole situation might feel okay soon. You’ll find a freedom in that. If the situation is bad enough, it might not feel okay until the kids are grown and left home and there’s no need for you to talk to each other any more.
If your ex is truly awful, their attempt to win at any cost may be relentless. They’ll decide on the issue and the fight will be on – money, custody, how awful you are, whose turn it is to have the kids for Christmas, whether you should be breathing in first or out first.
More than likely, the topic will be irrelevant. The issue will be one of control, probably born from losing you. Keep your perspective and remember what’s important. Being good for your kids will always be more important than winning the fight. Let them see you modeling resilience, strength, compassion and emotional muscle. You’ve got it in you. It might take all you’ve got, but it‘s in you. There will be things said and things done that you just can’t control. Fight the important ones, let the others go. Be who you are and let the truth fight it out for you.
We all have within us the courage, strength and wisdom to deal with the challenges that life sends our way. Trust this and reach for it. It’s there. Nothing we go through is ever wasted and it’s important to be open to the learnings. Rather than, ‘Why did this happen to me?’ try, ‘What can I learn from this?’
You might lay awake at night, cry in the shower, scream in the car and fall apart in front of your closest friends. You might wonder how it got to this and when it will end. Just hold steady and keep moving moving forward. When you put yourself on the right path, good things will always come.
Source: https://www.heysigmund.com/when-a-divorce-or-separation-turns-ugly/
