8 Surprising Ways Divorce Affects Your Health

No two people experience a divorce the same way, but most can agree that it's an extremely painful and difficult situation, both mentally and physically. Though you'll be busy filling out legal paperwork with your attorney, it's essential to pay attention to your mind and body: Research shows that divorce can take a serious toll on everything from your sleep habits to your heart (no surprise there). Knowing about the following conditions will allow you to take charge of your health and do everything you can to prevent them from developing.

Anxiety

"Typically, after a divorce anxiety levels shoot sky high," says Fran Walfish, PsyD, a psychotherapist in Beverly Hills and an expert panelist on the upcoming television series Sex Box. "You don't have a companion in the big, bad world anymore," she says, and the future that you once pictured no longer exists. Plus, there's a ton of uncertainty, which can lead to feeling insecure. Depending on the circumstances, you might suddenly have to move, get a new job, and survive on less money than before. Your children might need to change schools or get used to a back-and-forth arrangement with you and your ex. Walfish says that anxiety can sometimes manifest itself in controlling behavior, such as sending a gazillion emails to your divorce attorney or emptying your joint bank account to try to take over the finances.

Drastic Weight Change

Gaining or losing a significant amount of weight is something else you might notice during or after a divorce. Some people turn to comfort foods because doughnuts or fried chicken might temporarily perk them up. For others, divorce has the opposite effect. "I had a patient walk in after a long absence. She was very slim, and I remarked upon it. She said, 'Yep, I'm getting a divorce. I call it the Grief Diet,' " says Walfish. "She lost her appetite. Sometimes you can't eat when you're distraught."

Metabolic Syndrome

Metabolic syndrome occurs when you have several dangerous conditions at once, including high blood pressure, high blood sugar, excess belly fat, and high cholesterol. It increases your risk for heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. A study published in Archives of Internal Medicine found that women who are divorced (as well as women who are widowed or in unhappy marriages) are more likely to develop metabolic syndrome than women who are in happy marriages.

Depression

After a marriage dissolves, "many people feel like failures," says Walfish. What contributed to the divorce may also play a role. For instance, if your spouse cheated on you, that knowledge might send you into a downward spiral of hopelessness and destroy your self-confidence. "I really and truly believe that this is the pivotal moment in life where it's beneficial to seek out a good therapist," says Walfish. For one thing, it helps to gain support from someone who is emotionally removed from the situation. This is also your chance to discover why you were drawn to the relationship in the first place—and learn how to avoid a similar situation. "It's a golden opportunity to write a new, brighter script for the next chapter in your life," says Wolfish.

Cardiovascular Disease

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that both middle-aged men and women are at a higher risk of developing cardiovascular disease after going through a divorce, compared with married people of the same age. It also revealed that middle-aged women who get divorced are more likely to develop cardiovascular disease than middle-aged men who get divorced. Why do women have it worse? Here's one explanation: 

Research shows that the stress of divorce leads to higher levels of inflammation in women, and those levels persist for some time, explains Mark D. Hayward, professor of sociology at the University of Texas at Austin. "Part of the reason for the continued elevation in women is that the period after divorce is highly stressful, too. Women often take bigger hits in terms of finances, and they tend to stay single longer than men."

Substance Abuse

Post-split, you might find yourself becoming more dependent on cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs to cope with feeling lonely, anxious, or depressed. One 2012 review of scientific literature published in The Journal of Men's Health found that divorced men have higher rates of substance abuse, as well as higher rates of mortality, depression, and lack of social support, compared with married men. The stress you feel from a divorce is second only to the stress you feel from the death of a spouse, explains study co-author Dave Robinson, PhD, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at Utah State University. "And men are more likely to ignore the significant impact that divorce has on them."

Insomnia

"In my divorced clients, sleep disruption is very common, as well as nightmares," says Walfish. This might mean having trouble falling or staying asleep. According to the National Sleep Foundation, insomnia is very common among those who are depressed, so divorce-related depression is one possible underlying cause of the sleep issues. Be sure to follow these tips to sleep better every night.

Chronic Health Problems & Mobility Issues

Many health consequences of divorce are linked. For example, it can be harder to eat well and exercise regularly if you're feeling depressed and not sleeping well. And those unhealthy habits can lead to serious diseases and conditions. A study published in Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that divorced or widowed people have 20% more chronic health conditions (such as heart disease, diabetes, and cancer) than people who are married. They also have 23% more mobility limitations, such as not being able to climb stairs or walk a block. Consider this one more reason to make sure you get a physical each year.

Source: http://www.prevention.com/sex/marriage/divorce-and-health-effects

Men’s Mental Health Suffers After Divorce

A new case study suggests that the toll of divorce may be particularly hard on men.

The study contradicts the notion that men are somehow bulletproof and much less susceptible to psychological trauma than women.

Researchers now report that divorced men have higher rates of mortality, substance abuse, depression, and lack of social support.

The new case study is found in the Journal of Men’s Health.

Authors Daniel Felix, W. David Robinson, and Kimberly Jarzynka contend there is an urgent need to recognize and treat men’s divorce-related health problems.

Divorce has been associated with a variety of psychological and behavioral disorders. Previous studies have shown that unmarried men live significantly fewer years than married men and tend to have more health problems.

For the specific case of the divorced 45-year-old man described in the case study and review, the authors recommend how to evaluate his complaints and plan a course of treatment based on current clinical guidelines.

“Popular perception, and many cultures as well as the media present men as tough, resilient, and less vulnerable to psychological trauma than women. However, this article serves as a warning signal not to follow such unfounded perceptions,” said Ridwan Shabsigh, M.D.

Said Shabsigh, “The fact is that men get affected substantially by psychological trauma and negative life events such as divorce, bankruptcy, war, and bereavement.

“Research is urgently needed to investigate the prevalence and impact of such effects and to develop diagnosis and treatment guidelines for practitioners.”

Source: https://psychcentral.com/news/2013/10/01/mens-mental-health-suffers-after-divorce/60153.html

Depression as a Starting Point for Change

It takes guts to admit to yourself that things aren’t going really well. It takes courage to talk to your nearest and dearest friends about the difficulties that you’re going through. There is certain stigma in society, built upon the foundation of an egotistical thinking, which implies that having problems — being depressed — is a sign of weakness.

Research shows that in America, the main cause of stress in a household is associated with stress at the workplace. Dealing with lousy managers, lazy coworkers, and being exposed to a pressurizing environment will undoubtedly start to take a toll on you.

The world, in this regard, can certainly share a similar sentiment: we’re living in the dark ages of economic and emotional stability, even equality for that matter.

Becoming an adult.

Although depression, anxiety, and social stigma exist during the period of adolescence, the aftermath starts to become visible only after a certain age, perhaps at a time in your life when you’re being exposed to a larger number of adults who are not only dealing with their own stresses, but manage to provoke difficult emotions within yourself; all of which are associated with the things that have happened to you in the past.

It takes a certain determination to switch depression off, to use it as a tool for growth, rather than a tool for self-sabotage.

The answer lies in the question.

It’s easy to numb your pain. It’s easy to go out for drinks, to cry about your problems and then forget about them momentarily. It’s easy to reinforce anger and sadness by rehashing the same experience in your mind a thousand times. It never did any good to me, so I can’t image it doing any good for anyone else. Numbing pain is not the answer for finding a solution as to why you’re depressed in the first place. If I learned anything from spending several years in lonely solitude, it’s this: the answers to your depressive behaviors and patterns lie within you, not somewhere in the external world.

When you prepare dinner for yourself, and your family, why did you do it? Was it because you love them, or because it’s something that needs to be done every single day as part of life? What if the core reason for doing it was the fact that humans need to feed their hunger, a quintessential part of the human life is to nourish the body with food. So, if you can find the core reason for needing food, can you not do the same for finding the ultimate reason for your depression?

Why am I depressed?

Just by asking a simple question, without judging yourself, it’s possible to hear the underlying reason for why you’re feeling a certain way. Whenever I’m going through a difficult time, that is my ultimate question to ask myself, because unless I do — I find myself drifting away deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of an endless loop that starts to creep up on my awareness as some sort of a hatred machine for everything around me.

What to do with the answer.

You might be wondering, what’s next? What comes next after getting the answer? It’s simple, what comes next is internal change in how you approach your depressive behaviors, fears and anxieties about anything in the external world. It’s unprecedented how many of us have become professional suppressors of our own emotions, yet all it takes is to bring awareness into that which is driving us crazy, and within that split moment things start to change immediately.

The ego begins to lose its grip over what has happened in the past, because you’re starting to actively seek a solution, you’re seeking the underlying root cause for the emotions that you’re feeling.

During my teenage years, I developed the habit of being a bully. I bullied people because it was “fun”, my close friends liked to do it as well, and I didn’t really know any better. Then a few years later, I found myself on the other side of the coin, and became a target for others to bully me. At that time, things like karma or cause and effect never crossed my mind, but now in my mid-20’s it is starting to make a lot more sense.

I had built this pitch-perfect picture in my mind of how another person should appear, and if he wasn’t living up to those insane standards I was in the position to condemn him for not having the same luxuries as I did, of which I had very little regardless.

Pain stores itself in your body, your subconscious.

Our past experiences shape our present moment, the more we hold on to those experiences the less we get to experience of that which is already here in this moment. The more difficult our past experiences, and the less we invest to resolve emotions associated with them, the less joyful becomes the present moment. It’s a time tested theory, yet we’re still learning to navigate this concept for the purpose of becoming a better version of ourselves. In society today, it’s hard to really take time for yourself to rejuvenate and heal, without having someone yell at the back of your mind that what you’re doing is stupid, and pointless.

The irony lies in the fact that whoever does condemn you, for your humble choice to change, is likely to be dealing with emotional pain himself. My life changed completely at the age of 20, my old life had ran its course and I began to dedicate myself to mindfulness and meditation as a daily thing. It took my parents 3 years to accept that things have changed in my life, it has taken some of my friends to this day to learn how to let go of a version of me that is no longer there.

Yet, such is the journey of life. We, you, have the choice as to whether we want to hold onto things, or learn from them — to accept the inevitable and push forward in a new direction.

Change will always start within.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/alex-ivanovs/depression-as-a-starting_b_12742436.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness

5 Tips for Dealing With Adversity

You lost your job. Your marriage isn't going well. Someone close to you passed away. Your finances are a mess. Whatever problem you're facing, there are ways to deal with it and come out feeling good about yourself.

1. Remind yourself of the good things

Grab a sheet of paper and a pen and write down ten things that are good about your life. Maybe you have a terrific network of friends, a supportive family, or a job you enjoy. Take the list and put it somewhere like the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror. Take some time each morning and evening to read over the list and be thankful for what you do have.

This exercise not only helps you remember that everything in your life isn't bad, it also helps you to practice being thankful. It's all too easy to fall into the trap of feeling sorry for ourselves when bad things happen. Taking time each day for gratitude will help keep things in perspective.

2. Can you fix it?

Sometimes, there are things you can do to fix, or at least start down the path to fixing, your problems. If your finances are horrible, then make an appointment with yourself to sit down and make a budget. If you're having trouble with a friend or partner, sit down with the person and make a real effort to patch things up.

Even if what you try doesn't pan out, the act of doing something will help to pull you out of your depression and start recovering. Also, you'll know that you did everything you could to solve the problem.

3. Accept that it's over

Depending on the situation, there may be nothing you can do to remedy it. If you lost your job, you're not likely to get it back. If a loved one passed away, you may be left with regrets for things you did, or didn't, say and do. Accept the situation for what it is, and know there's nothing more you can do about it.

While regret is a common emotion, it's also not very productive. Channel your energy instead into more positive pursuits, like remembering the good times you had or pursuing new goals.

4. Learn from your mistakes

If you approach a bad situation as a learning experience, then you can at least profit from it and turn it to your benefit. Did you lose a job? Think about what you might have done differently. Is your marriage struggling? Ask yourself how you might become a better spouse.

This is one of the most difficult tips to implement, because we have to consider that we might have been wrong. After the initial hurt wears off, it may be helpful to ask for a neutral party's advice. Perhaps a coworker can give you some feedback on your performance or you can talk to a friend about your relationships. Use the advice you get to improve your situation or do better next time.

5. Stay positive and move on

One of the best things you can do is to stay positive about yourself and your life. It's easy to fall into the trap of negativity when bad things happen, but try to keep your perspective. Losing your job doesn't mean your career is ruined. Having a marriage fail doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad spouse. Remember to focus on the positive and continue to set goals.

Having a goal to reach can be one of the best things you do for yourself. Working toward something positive will not only get your mind off the problems you have, you'll build self-confidence as you strive for something better.

Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone faces adversity. It's what you do about that adversity that defines who you are and where your life is going.

Source: http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/9312/1/5-Tips-for-Dealing-With-Adversity.html

Minding the Kids in Divorce: Minimizing the Mental Health Impact

New research finds silver lining in kids’ resilience, but experts emphasize vigilance.

With up to half of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce – and rates of divorce higher for subsequent marriages – many children face challenges from their parents’ split that can follow them for a lifetime, including into their own relationships as adults.

However, recent research evaluating the family breakdown and the impact of dads leaving the home after parents part ways finds that while adolescent children are more likely to face short-term mental health challenges – from stress and anxiety to symptoms of depression following the split – these issues tend to relent after four to nine months. The researchers say parents and their kids can be encouraged by the findings, while also calling for increased vigilance by parents to ensure their children don’t face longer-term psychological issues. “They may need informal support or therapy to prevent further progression of depressive symptoms and the development of more serious mental health problems," Jennifer O'Loughlin, the principal researcher for the study and a professor at the University of Montreal, ​ said in a statement.

Though nothing is simple about dissolving a marriage, experts say there are some straightforward steps parents can take to help children cope with divorce, including adolescents who already face everyday disruptive changes on their way to becoming adults. “One of the things that we know about divorce is that it interrupts the normal developmental sequence of a kid’s life,” says Steven Harris,​ a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota. For example, it may distract from a child’s studies or peer relationships and make it hard to focus on the challenges of simply being a kid.

“Most kids that aren’t exposed to high conflict marriages are not worried about their parents’ marriage at all. There’s food on the table, there’s the natural stressors of the day, there’s my homework,” Harris says. “But then you add in your parents’ possible divorce transition, and now you’re wondering about a host of different things you’ve never had to think about before.” For some, that upheaval can lead to depression and anxiety, he says.

Experts stress that the experience for every child is unique to that individual – and the circumstances of the divorce. “The research is pretty solid that suggests that this is a difficult transition and there are impacts for kids. But nailing down what the specific impacts are going to be – that gets a little tougher,” Harris says. He notes that gender seems to play a role in how a child responds to their parents’ split. “Some of the things we know is that young girls tend to get more depressed and insulated and turn inward,” he says. “Young boys tend to turn outward – they express their anger in different ways than younger women.”

Carl Pickhardt​, a psychologist in Austin, Texas, who has written extensively on parenting – including advice for divorced parents – breaks down the impact of that change in a child’s life into what he describes as four, normal mental health challenges: “Obviously kids have a certain amount of despondency because of the loss – they’ve lost the intact family,” he says. That's one. “​There is anxiety, because now the world has changed and all of a sudden the family system is being reorganized and there’s a lot that is unknown.” Add to that: “There’s usually some anger, because there’s been a violation … Kids assumed that their parents would always be together, and the family would always be intact. Now all of a sudden what’s happening is the parents are deciding to separate the family.” And, of course, there’s stress – so much to let go, so much change to adjust to.

He says it’s important during the transition to understand that these are normal healthy responses to the upheaval of divorce. “It definitely is a watershed event in the life of a family,” he says. “So the issue is, how does the kid manage their despondency, their anxiety, their anger and their stress? That’s what you look at – can the kid manage to talk about it and work through it, or do they get stuck in some way?”

That’s also where the parents come in. In some instances – such as in abusive circumstances where a spouse and children are in danger – it may not be possible for the child to maintain contact with both parents. However, where most divorces don’t preclude both parents from continuing to have a relationship with their children, experts say it’s vital that parents make themselves accessible to talk about the impact of the divorce. “Parents can’t force communication about it. They can, however, keep the opportunity for communication open, so that when the kid is ready, there is a receptive parent there to listen and talk to what it’s like for the kid,” Pickhardt says.

As difficult as it may be, he adds that parents need to work to reconcile their emotional differences post-split to create a new foundation for kids. ​That way, ​he says, they can work together to move forward in the newly divided family state. Harris notes, of course, that can be especially tough for two people who couldn’t come to terms in their relationship, but experts say coming to a working relationship is an important step to providing kids with stability anew.

However, backing the train up further, Harris – who works with people struggling in their marriages as part of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project – says some couples may still be able to salvage everything they have, and not know it. “There are a lot of people who divorce without having any help whatsoever. They haven’t read a book. They weren’t aware that there are things you can do to change unhealthy patterns of communication." ​Experts ​recommend instead that couples get help to try to work through their differences first, like seeking marital counseling.

Similarly, even for couples for whom it appears divorce is imminent, that doesn’t negate the need to work together on the kids' behalf. Harris has had past clients write a list of co-parenting rules, so that not only things like visitation schedules are understood – but that parents reach a civil accord not to throw each other under the bus with their child.

Establishing a new normal, a new routine, also helps kids cope. “You want to be able, as soon as possible, to provide some kind of a predictable family structure that the kid can count on,” Pickhardt says. That goes from where a child might be living and going to school, to when they might see a parent who lives outside their primary home and the flexibility they have to contact that parent as well.

While divorce certainly has long-term implications for all involved – including raising the rates of divorce for children of parents who have split – Pickhardt stressed that the children involved aren’t the walking wounded, though left – often at an early and already trying age – to make the most of what he describes as the “gifts of adversity.” For some kids, “There’s freedom for new opportunities and freedom from old condition,” he says. That may include stepping out of the shadow of a tumultuous relationship. ​

Where some dads might disappear following a split, Pickhardt notes, in other cases fathers may take on a more defined role in their child’s lives post-divorce. Pickhardt says it’s about talking through new opportunities and taking advantage of those as other, more difficult changes occur.

In the meantime, it takes time to unpack everything, which means parents need to continue to keep the line of communication open, as kids' understanding and questions about the divorce evolve. And experts reiterate it's also essential parents seek professional help for themselves and their kids as needed. “So it’s not about having one conversation and one message that comes through. It’s about being aware that your child’s changing developmental needs require you to have a different ability to talk about this at different ages and stages,” Harris says. In other words, the heavy lifting of parenting continues – even if parents are doing it separately.

Source: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/health-wellness/articles/2016-01-19/minding-the-kids-in-divorce-minimizing-the-mental-health-impact

Psychological Effects of Divorce on Women

Understanding the psychological effects of divorce can help one move forward after the end of a marriage. Many of the feelings after a divorce are perfectly natural as one may experience confusion and uncertainty about the future. Similarly, learning how these feelings may affect one's ability to connect with other family members, such as children, is important, as well.

Feeling Guilty

The psychological effects of divorce on women are far-reaching, but one of the most basic emotions is guilt. This can be true if the woman initiated the divorce or not. Women in both situations may feel at fault for not working hard enough to make the marriage work, explains life coach Cindy Holbrook on her website for divorced women. If the woman initiated divorce, she may feel a sense of guilt for the demise of the marriage. This is especially true if there are children involved as women may feel as though they are responsible for breaking up a family and causing emotional trauma.

Experiencing Depression

The end of a marriage is devastating to both parties. Women, especially, may feel saddened by the sudden loss of their marriage. Their dreams for the future may be wrapped up in their marriage, and now that hope for the future appears to be gone. Increased responsibility combined with the realization that the life they envisioned no longer exists correlates with the fact that women are more likely to suffer from depression three years after a divorce, suggests Rocky Mountain Family Council.

Feeling Anxious

After a divorce, one may experience a great deal of anxiety. The future is uncertain and therefore, so is one's security. Women may experience more stress as they may have solely or mostly relied on their husbands for financial support. Trying to figure out how to support themselves, and often times a family, may prove to be difficult. Despite this, there are many things one can do to lessen anxiety including eating healthy, meditating and exercising.

Positive Effects

Some of the effects of divorce can affect women's lives positively. There are many factors that influence this, but many women report feeling a sense of relief especially if the relationship was particularly stressful towards the end. Mediator Kathleen O'Connell Corcoran explains that women may have a greater support system than men. Because of this, when they experience setbacks, they are likely to turn to them for comfort and guidance and move through the issues. Finally, women may be more likely to expand their personal and professional roles, suggests Corcoran. In the past, they may have limited themselves by focusing solely on their duties as wives and mothers. Now, they may seek out new careers, volunteer opportunities and social networking that will increase their esteem.

Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/103381-psychological-effects-divorce-women/

Avoiding Post-Divorce Depression

• Men are at a greater risk of suffering from depression after divorce
• There are many ways you can fight depression, including building a support system
• Seek medical advice if you feel you are suffering from depression

From financial uncertainties to the very real chance of being limited to a weekend dad, the upheaval in a man’s life when he is facing divorce is enough to drive nearly anyone to the breaking point.

It is no secret that the tumultuous process creates an incredible amount of stress, but the problems really begin to escalate when this leads to conditions that are more serious.
Depression is a fairly common and potentially debilitating mental health condition that impacts every aspect of your life, and the chances of falling into a depression increase greatly following a divorce.

However, there are steps you can take to mitigate your chances of suffering from depression after the end of your marriage, and it begins with identifying your risk level.

Men face increased risk of post-divorce depression

Studies have found a greatly increased risk of depression for those going through divorce, which is even more of a problem for men who are nearly twice as likely to suffer from post-divorce depression as women.

While every person deals with significant and sudden life changes differently, you can be sure almost everyone going through divorce will feel some form of loss and confusion. There are many factors that likely contribute to the fact that men have a significantly higher rate of depression after a divorce than women, which include:

The wife is more likely to initiate a divorce — The person who files has likely spent time contemplating their future before coming to the decision that it is time to divorce, often leaving their spouse caught completely off guard and left in shock (which more often than not is the husband).

Men are more likely to lose custody of their children — Although strides are being made to give fathers the custody they deserve, the mother is still more likely to obtain primary-parent status.

This can (understandably) be a hard pill to swallow for many fathers who have loved and supported their children their entire lives.

Men are less likely to have a system of support — Likely one of the biggest reasons men have a more difficult time coping with divorce is that they tend to keep their problems to themselves, whereas women are much more likely to share their pains with friends, family or professionals.

Divorce is not something you should go through alone.

Men often have greater financial obligations post-divorce — With child support almost always being awarded to the parent with more overnights, this can be the icing on the cake for fathers who feel they were slighted with the custody decision.

Additionally, the vast majority of alimony obligations are held by men despite the growing number of breadwinner wives.

Many other situation factors — Every couple will have different circumstances that led to the end of their marriage, which leaves plenty of room for factors such as infidelity, health problems, substance abuse, etc., to play a role in post-divorce depression.

Additionally, you are at an even greater risk of developing depression if you have suffered episodes of depression in your past. If you are a man who has dealt with depression before and are going through a divorce, you need to be acutely aware that you are in a very risky spot and should not hesitate to seek help if you need it.

Mitigating chances of post-divorce depression

Just like there is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all divorce, there is no single method that will work for everyone in coping with the aftermath.

It will be up to each individual to find a personalized technique for managing the stress of their own unique situation, and there are plenty of suggestions put forward by experts and guys who have been through divorce to help give you some ideas.

Build a support network — Everyone needs an outlet to help them work through all the negative aspects of a divorce, and there are plenty of support groups and options out there for men that are just a quick Google search away.

Whether it’s simply a friend who allows you to vent, a group or a professional therapist, it is important not to hold everything inside when you are going through a divorce.
Try not to dwell on what you can’t control —You got the short end of the stick when it comes to custody, a child support and alimony obligation and your ex got the house. Unfortunately, unless there was a mistake or the law was applied incorrectly, there is likely little you can do about it.

However, you can control focusing on moving forward and making the best of what you do have. Make the best of your time with your kids, and avoid letting anger and frustrations spill into other areas of your life (easier said than done of course).

Immerse yourself in something constructive — Anything from a new hobby to losing yourself in an engaging book or compelling TV series can help take your mind off the things that are out of your control.

Use the divorce as an opportunity to try something new or pick up an old passion and channel your negative energy into something positive. Perhaps you used to like tinkering on cars but you didn’t have the time while you were married, or maybe you’ve always wanted to try your hand at woodworking — this is your chance to do something new.

Avoid the rebound — Too many guys run into the problem of jumping into new, unhealthy relationships before they have fully healed from the divorce. Whether you are trying to replace your partner or you think it will help you move on more quickly, pump the brakes before getting too serious.

More often than not, rebounds end poorly.

Stay healthy — Eating a balanced diet and regular exercise are a great way to naturally fight depression by increasing the amount of healthy chemicals, such as serotonin, in your brain. Additionally, it will help you sleep better, feel better and boost self-esteem – all of which are great natural ways to stave off depression.

It’s easy to fall into a routine of self-medicating with booze and junk food, but this pattern of behavior will only serve to worsen the symptoms of depression long-term.

Depression is a serious condition and it is no mystery why such a traumatic, life-changing event like divorce dramatically increases your risk of developing depression.

However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward.

If you do find yourself feeling depressed, do not feel like you are alone and please seek medical advice immediately.

Source: https://mensdivorce.com/avoiding-post-divorce-depression/

What to Do About Deep Loneliness Post-Divorce

Three tools to push through the pain and get on the other side.

Melissa has been incredibly lonely since her husband moved out last December.

She called me after reading my newsletter talking about a retreat I was hosting. She told me she was thrilled to see an opportunity to meet other women in transition. Melissa was now in the middle of her divorce and realized that she was still feeling very lonely.

After her split, it seemed like her friends mysteriously fell away and she found it hard to meet new people. This is something I hear a lot from the divorced population. Even today, well into the 21st Century. As far as our culture has come with accepting divorce as a reality, the social stigma is still alive and well. Couples or married individuals don't necessarily want to hang out with single or divorced folks.

For Melissa, this was definitely unexpected fallout from her breakup and it added an extra layer of pain and loss to an already painful situation.

Being a take-charge kind of person, Melissa attempted to remedy the social situation. She joined a gym, a book club and she even got a part-time job but none of these activities produced any lasting friendships.Everyone was either married (and didn't want to hang out with a single woman), much younger than she, or too busy. Another issue for Melissa is that she was longing for deep, meaningful relationships where she could talk about the pain of her marriage ending as well as the challenge of starting life over at the age of 48. Her friends and family were very supportive to her for a couple of months but since March, they've all but stopped returning her calls.

It is this sense of isolation and marginalization that propelled me to start running groups back in 2000 and to hold more regular retreats. I have found these outlets to be not only magical ways to help participants find a way out of the marginalization, but it can be a powerful springboard into the next chapter of their lives.

There are three important tools I've learned over the years that can help anyone get through divorce better and come out of that isolation.

1. Grieve until your grief is over — Grief sucks. That's why most people want to be done with the emotional roller coaster far before the process is over. But the more you fight it, the more you actually prolong it. (And, by the way, getting into a new relationship will, at best, postpone your grief. You really can't escape it).

Be with your grief and it will actually pass quicker.

2. Don't stay stuck in the past longer than your grief needs you to— Although you must feel the sadness and perhaps even anger as part of your grief, there's a point at which you will want to look at the road ahead rather than continuing to look in the rear view mirror. You have a right to all of your feelings but if you see everything through a divorce lens for years afterward, you won't go on to enjoy life.

There is life—even fabulous life—beyond divorce.

Keep moving.

3. Ask for help — This is one of the more important things you can do to get past your pain and heartache.

Those who reach out for help always land on their feet whereas those who try to go it alone, end up suffering much more and don't do nearly as well. Over the years, I've watched many great people connect with other great people in my groups or workshops and go on to form close friendships. Some even find movie partners or travel companions.

Connecting with others in a similar place has brought these divorcees

out of their isolation and into mainstream life again. Spending a weekend with other women who were wanting to stay positive and take control of their destiny is the perfect remedy for people like Melissa.

Find a new community.

This last tool is particularly important.

When any of us goes through a difficult transition, we feel like this will be our reality forever. Yet, people get divorced every day and many, if not most, come out okay on the other side.

How well you do depends in part on your circumstances. There are definitely some scenarios that are tougher than others to reconcile, such as being left by your spouse for someone else (or worse, being left by your spouse for your best friend) versus splitting by mutual agreement.

But it also depends on how you handle yourself and the situation. Using these three tools will help you get on the other side of the pain faster and better.
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In her TED talk, Brene Brown says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen." This connection requires vulnerability at a time when you may be feeling most rejected, raw and most in need of protection. Push through your fears (if you can) and reach out.

There are more groups today than ever before but, unfortunately, not all of them provide deep connection among members. Drop-in groups or informational divorce classes just don't offer the same intimacy as the closed groups (those where members commit and return each session) where people can share more vulnerably and honestly.

It is through this deep and vulnerable sharing that healing can occur. Staying at home and trying to ignore the sadness or grief will only postpone it. The pain will lay in wait until your defenses are down (often when you are tired or sick or stressed) and then, any and all unexpressed emotion will take over.

The good news is that, by dealing head on with your emotions, this is preventable. Follow the tools of: 1. Allowing the grief to be there; 2. Moving on when the grief has been expressed, and; 3. Finding a new community.

Those who, like Melissa, reach out from their pain in order to get through this tough time, look back and see how doing the opposite of what they were inclined to do (stay safe at home in front of the TV) brought the desired healing. It is available to anyone who wants it.

Wishing you the strength to push through the pain as well as healing through the fear, sadness and loneliness.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201706/what-do-about-deep-loneliness-post-divorce

Depression and Divorce: Helping Your Children Cope With Both

Divorce has many effects on children. No two children will react in exactly the same way. That’s why parents need to be diligent about watching for signs and indications that your child may be having problems coping with their new reality.

Depression is one of the more common reactions we see in children of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents entirely miss or misinterpret the signs of depression. It can take many forms, including behavior that is distancing, lethargic and withdrawn. This is often accompanied by a drop in school grades. But depression can also manifest in other ways, such as agitation, frustration and aggression.

When depression takes that form, parents are likely to think of it in terms of discipline problems and respond with punishment. It takes maturity and a broader perspective to stand back and realize that your child’s misbehavior may actually be a way of communicating how they are feeling. Their confusion, anger, resentment and powerlessness to control their life circumstances get expressed physically because they don’t know how to verbalize those complex emotions.

Understanding and compassion goes a long way toward opening that door to communication. Instead of punishment, try talking about your new family situation and acknowledging areas that can be improved. Ask for suggestions. Try to get feedback, to create a dialogue rather than lecturing.

The key for parents is in finding more time for emotional support and reassurance to help your child feel less alone or isolated — especially by the new circumstances in his or her life. If extended family — grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are not close by, this becomes even more essential. Children need the support of emotional anchors — close family and friends — and the consequences of divorce too often isolates them from the very people who can best help them through the transition. For this reason, you as a parent must continuously keep your eyes open for signs of emotional distress — and then quickly respond with love, attention, compassion and both physical and emotional support.

Studies show that the rate of serious depression is increasing in children — up from 2% a generation ago to 23% for children up to age 20. Not all of it is divorce related, of course, but it still should be a wake-up call to parents. Don’t beat yourself up with guilt. That doesn’t serve any one in the family. But do be alert so you can address issues that come up early on, before they lead to far greater problems. Also seek out the assistance of professional counselors or divorce groups for additional support.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalind-sedacca/depression-and-divorce-he_b_1582445.html

Fifteen Simple Ways To Overcome Depression And Sadness

Depression can be debilitating and is very different from just feeling unhappy. Usually, there is a reason for unhappiness such as being rejected or not getting the job you wanted. Depression is a pervasive feeling. It’s almost as if you are in a black tunnel with no light. Hope disappears and the things you used to find enjoyable become a chore. Even winning the lottery would not snap someone out of depression and it is never a good idea to tell someone who is depressed to sort themselves out and pull themselves together.

Unfortunately, it isn’t that simple, but there are ways to alleviate the symptoms of depression.

1. Practice Mindfulness

A depressed mind tends to mull over all that is wrong and worries unnecessarily about all the negative possibilities that may emerge in the future. This negative thought cycle reinforces misery and is not helpful in managing to overcome depression. Mindfulness involves focusing on the present moment and is a skill that needs to be practiced. More often than not, our brains are full of thoughts and focusing on the present moment seems unnatural for our minds. Practice on engaging your senses in the moment. Focus on touch, taste, sight, sound and smell. Engaging the senses leaves less time for worry.

2. Listen to Upbeat Music

I have always thought of music as food for the soul. An upbeat tune can change an atmosphere instantly and create a more positive vibe. Listening to upbeat, happy music alters brain chemistry and can improve your mood.

3. Use Touch

Science shows that touch therapies can help some people overcome depression, lower the stress hormone cortisol and increase the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Therapies to consider include acupuncture, acupressure, massage, reiki and reflexology.

4. Include Omega 3 Fatty Acids in Your Diet

Research has shown that depressed people often lack a fatty acid known as EPA. Participants in a 2002 study featured in the Archives of General Psychiatry took just a gram of fish oil each day and noticed a 50-percent decrease in symptoms such as anxiety, sleep disorders, unexplained feelings of sadness, suicidal thoughts, and decreased sex drive. Omega-3 fatty acids can also lower cholesterol and improve cardiovascular health. Get omega-3s through walnuts, flaxseed and oily fish like salmon or tuna.

5. Stop the Negative Self Talk

Depressed people tend to see the world in a negative way. When things go wrong they blame themselves and when they go right, they put it down to luck. Depression reinforces self doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Monitor your inner negative talk and make allowances for this type of thinking by reminding yourself that your thinking is that of a depressed person, not a healthy functioning person. Don’t take your thoughts seriously when you are feeling low. Acknowledge the thoughts but this doesn’t mean you have to believe them. Keep perspective.

6. Bide Your Time

Accept that your mental state is not entirely balanced. During depression, we tend to see the negatives in everything and find it harder to be balanced about what is going on. Gently remind yourself that you are tuned into the ‘negativity channel’ and don’t listen to your thinking. It is definitely distorted when you are depressed. This idea alone can provide some comfort when the world appears bleak. It won’t last forever. Remind yourself that change is constant and that you won’t always feel this way. Be patient and do your best to look after yourself in the meantime. Eat well and get a decent amount of sleep. Say to yourself “This shall pass”.

7. Distract Yourself

If possible, do your best to distract yourself from over thinking. Your thoughts are your enemy when depression sets in. Play with a pet or go for a walk. Read a book if you are able to concentrate or finish a puzzle. Do anything that takes your mind off your fears and worries. Keeping busy is an effective way to overcome depression.

8. Use More Light

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is known for causing low mood over the winter months when there is less sunlight. Invest in a sunlamp – a 300 watt bulb within three feet for 20 minutes three times a day can help. SAD symptoms can include problems sleeping, anxiety, depression, irritability, fatigue, apathy and loss of libido and using light can help to overcome depression and these other symptoms.

9. Try Cognitive Therapy

Cognitive therapy can be extremely useful in counteracting depression and is based on the principle that certain ways of thinking can trigger certain health problems, such as depression. The counselor helps you to understand your current thought patterns and identify any harmful or false ideas and thoughts that you have that can trigger depression or make it worse. The aim is to change your ways of thinking to avoid these ideas as well as help your thought patterns to be more realistic and helpful.

10. Write in a Journal

A journal can work in two ways. Use it to write down fears and worries. Sometimes, having an outlet in this way can be soothing and ease your mind. Another good way to use a journal (I prefer this way) is to write at least five things down every day that you are grateful for. This forces us to think more positively and can help to remind us that things are never that bad. In a gratitude journal, you can write about anything that happened in the day that made you feel appreciative. A stranger smiling at you, the sun shining..anything positive will do!

11. Connect with Friends

This can be one of the hardest things to do when feeling depressed but it is one of the most rewarding activities. Force yourself to go out. Isolating oneself from others may seem a good idea but put a limit on it and then get out there again. This can have a huge positive effect on your mood.

12. Get Enough Sleep

Sleep and mood are closely connected. Inadequate sleep can cause irritability and stress, while healthy sleep can enhance well-being. Studies have shown that even partial sleep deprivation has a significant effect on mood.Take steps to ensure adequate sleep will this will lead to improved mood and well-being. The quality of your sleep directly affects the quality of your waking life, including your mental sharpness, productivity, emotional balance, creativity, physical vitality, and even your weight. No other activity delivers so many benefits with so little effort so aim for between 7.5 and 9 hours sleep per night.

13. Forgive Others

When we hold a grudge, we are the ones that feel the anger. The person whom we are angry with is probably merrily going about their business completely oblivious to your feelings. Don’t allow others to have this power over you. They have may have caused you grief in the past, try not to allow that grief to continue – it only affects you, not them. Find a way to forgive – they are not worthy of your time. Lighten the emotional load and you will improve your mood and help you to overcome depression.

14. Exercise

Regular exercise has benefits for helping to overcome depression. Exercise releases endorphins which improve natural immunity and improve mood. Besides lifting your mood, regular exercise offers other health benefits, such as lowering blood pressure, protecting against heart disease, cancer and boosting self-esteem. Experts advise getting half an hour to an hour of moderate exercise, such as brisk walking at least three to four times per week.

15. Don’t give up

Depression can make you want to hide away from the world and disappear. It’s okay to take some time out but give yourself a time limit and then do something productive to improve your mood. Depression can be well managed (I know this from personal experience) and there can be a wonderful life beyond depression. Hang in there and keep the faith.

Although the above suggestions can be effective, depression that perseveres should be investigated further and seeing a Doctor to chat over any symptoms is a step in the right direction.

Source: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/fifteen-simple-ways-overcome-depression-and-sadness.html

3 Things You Should Do To Overcome Sadness

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~ Khalil Gibran

I was talking to a dear friend of mine recently and he was asking me who is the person I admire the most and why. The interesting thing I realized while giving him the answer was that the person I deeply admire is somebody who experienced a great deal of pain during his lifetime and what made me admire him so much was his attitude and how he always come out as a better not a bitter person from all of these challenges.

How many of us are really capable of dealing gracefully with pain, stress, anxiety, and many other negative emotions? What I want you to achieve is grace under pressure and even though it may seem like an impossible task to do, it really isn’t. There are so many other tips to share on the subject but today I will share these three things, and if you do them, believe me, your life will get better and better and you will manage to deal with life’s challenges a lot more effective and in a more graceful manner.

Just know that “the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. ~ Helen Keller

Whether it’s you who is in sadness or somebody you love and care about, acknowledging and acting upon these 3 things will help you feel a lot better.

3 THINGS YOU SHOULD DO TO OVERCOME SADNESS

1. Let go of the pain. This too shall pass.

Things, people, events, they just come and go, nothing really lasts forever and the same with your not so happy feelings. What I usually do when I feel like my world is coming to an end, and yes, that happens to me too, it to think of a time when I was down, a time when I felt really sad and blue, a time when I felt like the whole world would come to an end, and I had no way to escape, and I use that as proof that what my mind is telling me is not always true.

It is so important to work on making your mind work for you and not against you, because you see, in order for you:

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” ~ Buddha

2. Let go of resistance as best you can.

Even though it may seem that you talking about the things that are going wrong in your life will help solve the problem and make you feel better, the truth is that it will not, and just like Carl Jung said it, and I have experienced this myself so many times,

“What you resist not only persists but will grow in size.”

Do you understand why that is? Every time you insist on the pain, and every time you insist on talking about how much you are suffering, to yourself and to those people who are there to listen, you are in fact contributing to the growth of that pain, you are feeding it and you are building more and more pain on top of what already is!

Just imagine that I gave you a clean sheet of paper and I asked you to draw a very small dot on that paper, right in the center. Looking from the distance, does the dot seem significant to you? I wouldn’t think so. But what if I asked you to take a magnifying glass and move closer and closer to that dot? You will for sure feel like the dot is all there is, it will seem huge, right? The same with your pain. It’s not that big of a deal, even though right now, in this moment you might think otherwise, it really isn’t. This too shall pass.

Do you want to focus on the things that upset you and work on increasing the pain, or do you want to focus on those things that make you feel good about yourself and your life? It’s just a matter of choosing where to focus your attention, shifting your focus away from what you don’t want towards the things you do want, from unhappy to happy. It is a choice, and it’s always your choice. So chose to always focus on what you want, not what you don’t want and move in that direction.

3. Change your attitude.

If you ask me, a lot of our pain is caused because of our attitude, because of our perception on the good and the bad, because of our expectations on how things should be. When you expect something to happen and it doesn’t, how do you feel? You feel sad, depressed, you feel disappointed and you might even start telling yourself that you are a failure, that things will never go the way you want them to, that your end is near, and of course, you can add some other things to the list if you want, but that’s not really what we are after here, right? But then again, if you choose to argue over your pain, it will surely be yours.

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” ~ Thomas Jefferson
The moment you stop and look at things from a different perspective, the moment you chose to change your attitude toward life, life will start to change its attitude towards you, and from that moment things will never be the same again, because you see, just like Wayne Dyer said it,

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Everything changes the moment we decide to change and the whole world will start to revolve around us because you see, we do matter for the world, we matter a lot.

Source: https://www.purposefairy.com/5426/3-things-you-should-do-to-overcome-sadness/

The Emotional Fallout of Divorce and the 5 Stages of Relationship Grief

Andrew Lawes knows how you can hit bottom after a divorce. But he’s here to tell you how to survive.

I remember when I found out my marriage was over. It sent me into a downward spiral; a drink-and-drug-fueled period of bad memories and even worse situations. I didn’t care—the pain inside me was too raw, too visceral to cope with. Blacking out and forgetting was better than dealing with the crushing reality that the woman I loved no longer shared the same emotions.

Maybe you are experiencing this situation right now. Maybe you are also struggling to cope with the fallout of divorce, and are engaging in some questionable activities. Maybe, like me, your days have become about existing, rather than living. You don’t know when the pain will end. All you want is for it to go away.

There is no timescale for how long it takes a broken heart to heal. Sometimes it can take days; other break-ups can take months or even years to overcome. There is no secret cure; all you can do is continue living.

As a man, my mentality is the same as most other men: there’s a problem; how can I fix it? How can I save this relationship? The truth is that, most likely, you can’t. Nobody walks away from a marriage without an awful lot of thought. When the conclusion they have come to is that it is over, there is very little you can do.

The Kübler-Ross model of the Five Stages of Grief can be applied to the end of a relationship. Although nobody has passed away, you still need to grieve. The death of a relationship; the ending of a future you had planned out; in many ways, it is harder to handle than death. At least there is finality to death. With heartbreak, there is no finality. There is no clean break. You can’t help but wonder “what if…?”

The five stages of the Kübler-Ross model are: Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression and Acceptance. Each of them apply to the end of a relationship equally as much as the grieving process:

Denial – “This isn’t happening” “Don’t be silly, it’s just a row. You’ll feel different in the morning”

Anger – “Why are you doing this to us?” “What have I ever done that’s so bad?”

Bargaining – “I can change” “Please, let’s work through this”

Depression – “It’s all my fault” “I don’t blame them for leaving”

Acceptance – “It was over; it has been for a while, I just couldn’t see it”

All of the above are phrases I’ve used during the period after a break-up, and I suspect I am not alone in that. I have used them to highlight how the Kübler-Ross model of grief relates to the end of a relationship too. Now, it isn’t as clean-cut as I’ve perhaps made it appear. You may get to the Bargaining stage and then slip back to Denial. Depression and Anger often overlap; especially in men, who generally display signs of depression differently to women. Indeed, the first four stages can be a nightmare to work through, and there will be times when you feel you will never get past it.

You will.

When you reach the stage of Acceptance, that is the moment you will start to live again. The thing is, you can’t wait around for the acceptance of the situation to come—that isn’t how it works. Acceptance isn’t a moment when you suddenly become fine with what’s happened, and waiting for that moment makes it much more unlikely to come.

What you need to do is focus on yourself. Look at the aspects of your own life that you are unhappy with. Maybe you feel like you have let yourself go physically. Maybe you feel like your life has become mundane and routine. These are all things that you have the power to change, so do it! Sign up to a gym; take up jogging, work on your physique. If your life has become boring, make more time for the things you enjoy, and take up new hobbies. Become the man you’ve always wanted to be, and you’ll find that acceptance of the divorce comes so much quicker.

It is important to reflect on why the marriage ended. In the immediate aftermath, people always tend to blame the other party, but there is always fault on both sides. If you can begin to understand why the relationship failed, then it will leave you in good stead for the future. Hard as it may be to believe right now, one day, you will love again. When that day comes, be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Learn from the mistakes of relationships past.

You may think you can’t get through this time, but you will. Sometimes, good things have to fall apart so better things can fall into place. Focus on yourself, and improving your life, and I promise you will be happy again.

Source: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-emotional-fallout-of-divorce-and-the-5-stages-of-relationship-grief/