Has your ex turned your divorce into a minefield?
Recently, I wrote an article about the Malignant Divorce. These are cases that spin out of control in dark and often dangerous ways. Over the next few months I'll continue this conversation, because even when a divorce is not particularly toxic, there are still moments in most divorces when you still have to protect yourself. And if you are in the midst of a Malignant Divorce, forewarned is forearmed. This post offers a direct follow up to the first tip that was referenced in the article. In simple words: if you're trapped in a malignant situation, you must come to terms with the kind of person your ex spouse has become. And if you don't, you're in trouble.
The Intelligent Divorce book series promotes a rational approach to dissolving a family even though feelings are charged. We are not looking for perfect behavior here. Parents under the stress of money worries, legal concerns, stories of betrayal, and uncertainty about the future are going to make mistakes—even big mistakes. But there is so much at stake for their children, that it is worth stepping back and trying to divorce in as intelligent a way as possible. I am not arguing for the easy divorce, just a more intelligent one.
For the record (and, if it's not obvious), intelligent does not mean stupid. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to hang tough, not be particularly friendly and set good limits. There are cases in which the intelligent thing to do is to recognize that you are dealing with a spouse who is out to hurt you or your children. And, there are cases when all your communication must be done through attorneys because a moment on the phone or in person is just too loaded. A Malignant Divorce is instigated when one party simply wants to win at all costs. In these cases, intelligence is using all of your wits just to survive.
Here is the first point (of seven) that I made in the original overview of The Malignant Divorce.
You are dealing with an ex-spouse who just wants to win. If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making. It may not be fair, but it's time that you deal with it. Laying back and hoping it will all go away is probably a poor strategy.
When getting a divorce you must be aware of whom you are dealing with. This may not be as easy as it appears; after all you were living with him for a number of years and may perceive his behavior as normal—or at least tolerable, when it is anything but.
More fundamentally, your ex-husband or ex-wife may not be quite the same person he or she was during the marriage. It is called regression, and it is not a good thing.
The stress of divorce, which includes the instinct of self preservation, can make your ex (or you, for that matter) function at a more primitive and therefore, less healthy manner.The Intelligent Divorce; Taking Care of Yourself outlines ten common Character Traps that people fall into when regressed. For those professionals reading this piece, I use the concept of a Character Trap, instead of the more diagnostic term, Personality Disorder, because these primitive, and sometimes, dangerous regressions are often time limited to the years surrounding the divorce. Unlike Personality Disorders which have a strong degree of permanence, Character Traps describes a phenomena of stress induced dysfunction that is often less obvious beforehand or years later.
Character Traps are a construct that can provide something to hang your hat on, because they make sense. People who have dropped into a Character Trap are potentially dangerous because they (like Personality Disorders) are not vulnerable, as a rule, to ambivalence. This can be disastrous to the healthier spouse in a divorce. If an unambivalent person is in a conflict with a person who is more open minded, it can be very bad for the healthier person.
If you are the healthier spouse, then you are trapped in a surreal life, largely not of your own making.
You will give him the benefit of the doubt (which in normal cases builds trust) and he exploits it. She says something bad about you to the kids, and you let it pass (which in normal cases may just be an isolated incident) and she sees herself as vindicated by your silence. That is why it is so important to wake up and realize with whom you may be dealing.
Regressed people often "know" that they are right, and therefore have a powerful moral authority to do as they please. This is a dangerous recipe for abuse that can range from financial manipulation, to parental alienation (from mild to severe), to kidnapping or even, rarely—murder.
Today, we'll go over the Character Traps (your ex can have more than one) that can set off a Malignant Divorce:
The Victim: This Character Trap is dominated by the certainty and injustice of being wronged. She believes that she lost precious years with you or that you are unfit to have anything to do with the children, because of what you've done (This Character Trap only applies when it is a distortion of the truth—note that it can be adaptive if an ex-spouse is truly dangerous). Victims are paradoxically ruthless in victimizing anyone who they believe hurt them. They have a powerful sense of justice and self righteousness. They also work from a kernel of truth, which makes their claims that much more powerful; this can be conscious and manipulative or more deeply unconscious and even, psychotic. I have seen terrible things done in the name of victimhood. If you are dealing with any Character Trap therapy is a must, so you have a chance to objectively decide how to stay safe and have a shot at having a relationship with your children. Many perpetrators of parent alienation have these features. Victims, paradoxically, can have a lot of power. They are often supported by family, attorneys, and even therapists, who fail to see that there is another side to the story.
The Control Freak: He was probably always controlling during your marriage, and because of regression, he has become far worse. In these cases, the control freak is really very anxious, but manages it by planning everything so that he cannot lose. He may set you up and then document your "incompetence", bringing copious notes to court to prove how capable he is and how irresponsible you are (for an example, turn to Alfred Hitchcock's Gaslight). The control freak can easily hide your mutual monies, because many are good businessmen who have control of the accounts. The control freak is unambivelent in his wish to win, and the more capable they are, the more work you will have in protecting yourself. Since you were married to him for a number of years, you may also be intimidated by the power of his relentless assault to your very legitimacy. Once again, therapy is mandatory.
The Narcissist: This Character Trap carries the same name as the personality disorder. The narcissist is completely self-centered and self-serving. In this case, your husband probably had some narcissistic tendencies before the divorce. Some warning signs include: a need for admiration, a need to be right, a need to be seen by the community as a great guy, and a need to criticize you privately for not meeting his standards. In addition, he's probably a charismatic and successful guy (maybe that's why you fell for him in the first place) who casually uses his charisma to get what he wants—often at the expense of other people. Now, your ex has regressed into a more severe form of narcissism. With the divorce, he completely dismisses any of your needs, or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened. You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community. And, need I say it? An excellent therapist can help.
The Avenger: This character trap is very dangerous and can be a natural extension of the victim, the control freak or the narcissist—if taken to an extreme. The avenger doesn't just want to win, she wants you to lose. She will not be satisfied until you are hurting. Many roads lead to Rome and many paths lead to the avenger. Melanie Klein, the great British psychoanalyst wrote about this psychology when she talked about envy, which she defined as "the pleasure one gets in destroying the good that another person has." There is a sense of urgency with an avenger. In a divorce, most people have a moment when they may consider some kind of revenge. It is normal to want to hurt a person that hurt you. But the vast majority of people see that there are two sides to most stories, and furthermore they just want to move on with their lives, if for no other reason than to give their children a brighter future. The avenger sees revenge as an end in itself. In my experience, when the avenger is combined with the victim Character Trap, such people can lose touch with reality. She will stop at nothing to make sure that you cannot be happy. At its worse, the kids literally become pawns in an evil game. In recent years, the politically charged label of parental alienation has been buttressed by research supporting that this insidious dynamic is probably a real phenomenon. Parental alienation is an attempt to deprive you of your children through a form of brainwashing. And what about kidnapping or murder? The avenger may really think, "If I can't have them, he sure won't." Or, "If I don't keep them from him, no one will." If you think that you are dealing with an ex-spouse who has these tendencies, then you will need a good attorney, a great therapist, and a familiarly with how to constructively use the police and the legal system.
Forewarned is forearmed; and that is the intelligent approach to a Malignant Divorce. Years from now, your ex may be surprisingly easy to deal with. Time sometimes heals, as long as not too much damage has been done along the way.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201111/do-you-have-impossible-ex
The toxic ex-wife or husband doesn't respect the boundaries of their relationship with their ex. They have never really let go of their mates and will hang on for dear life all the while undermining your ability to co-parent with them and move on to a new life.
Below are 7 tips and guidelines to help you recognize the actions of a toxic ex-wife or husband:
They Don’t Respect Your Privacy
Even though you are divorced they still feel they have a right to know what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
You will be bombarded with questions about your life. Are you seeing anyone? Where were you over the weekend?
Your children will be questioned about what you are doing with your life. The toxic ex-wife or husband has no problem using the children to find out information about you and your life.There is a difference between friendly interaction and an attempt to control, which is what the toxic ex wishes to do.
They Interfere with New Relationships
You’ve heard that old saying, “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you.” You may find yourself divorced from someone who feels it is fine that they have moved on with their life but can’t stand the idea of you doing the same.
This sort of ex will do whatever it takes to sabotage any new relationship you form. Which, in turn, makes it difficult to form new romantic relationships because not many want to be in a relationship with someone who has a crazy ex meddling in the relationship.
They Will Use Your Children Against You
This type of toxic ex comes in different forms. They may try and turn your children against you by bad-mouthing you and your actions to the children. Or, they go as far as abandoning their own children to punish you for some wrongdoing they feel you have done.
They are willing to hurt their own children in an attempt to control you or get back at you in some way. This is a very dangerous and wounded individual.
They Will Blame You for Their Unhappiness
It doesn’t matter what they are unhappy about, you will get the blame. If they treat their children badly and cause their children to become angry, you will be blamed. If they lose their job, have car trouble or just can’t seem to catch a break, you will be blamed. You may go months at a time without seeing them or talking to them but, you can bet that if something goes wrong, you will be blamed.
They Will Try to Plant Seeds of Doubt
You will hear comments projecting failure on your part as a result of your inability to hold the marriage together. They will say and do whatever needed to undermine the goals you set for yourself. Some will go as far as predicting failure for the goals their children set. This is symptomatic of a manipulative and vengeful mindset and any comments from such a person should be ignored.
They Will Use You as an Excuse for Their Own Bad Behaviour
If they choose to ignore the needs of their children, you can bet it will be because of something you said or did. To be able to live with their own bad choices they have to alleviate the guilt by making it appear that they had no choice.
All their bad choices are made based on some wrong you did them...in their head, anyway.
They Will Use the Court System to Stay Engaged
They will defy court orders knowing you will take them back to court. This is a passive/aggressive way of keeping a connection to an ex-spouse. They get to use the court system to punish you and, to stay connected with you. This is one great reason for making sure you have a good settlement agreement before you sign your divorce papers.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-recognize-a-toxic-ex-spouse-1103291
Narcissistic behavior is one of the character traps Dr. Mark Banschick explains in his article on Malignant Divorce. According to Dr. Banschick, "the narcissist is completely self-serving and selfish." So, how do you get through a divorce unscathed if your spouse is narcissistic?
In some situations, a divorcing couple is made up of one narcissist and one reasonable person, the narcissistic spouse can single-handedly create enormous conflict.
The narcissist’s negative actions and response to the divorce cause the reasonable spouse to go into defensive mode especially if there are children involved.
To those who don’t know better, it looks like the reasonable spouse is fully engaged in creating conflict. But what is really happening is that the reasonable spouse is trying to protect themselves and their children from the narcissist who is using the legal system to bully them. Many do not recognize the characteristics of a narcissist, even during the marriage but, introduce divorce into the narcissist’s life and it can become quite evident that this person has a personality disorder. One that keeps them from being able to play fair when they feel backed into a corner.
That is why so few people find themselves emotionally equipped to survive while divorcing a narcissist. The reasonable spouse goes into the divorce process expecting the same level of consideration that they experienced during the marriage to only be met by an adversary who will stop at nothing to “win” what they perceive as a war being waged against them.
It’s difficult to stay emotionally level-headed when what you thought would be a simple process turns into all-out war and all you care about is at stake. The only way to survive while divorcing a narcissist is having the ability to quickly recognize who you are dealing with and the willingness to do battle, roll up your sleaves and go to war.
First Consider the Characteristics of a Narcissist:
- Has a need for admiration
- A need to be right
- A need to be seen as the good guy
- A need to criticize when you don't meet their need
- Is charismatic and successful
- Lacks the ability to feel remorse
- Has no conscience
- Has a tremendous need to control you and the situation
- Has values that are situational; if you believe infidelity is wrong, so do they, even if they don't, their need to impress you motivates them to hold the same beliefs
- Uses a facade of caring and understanding to manipulate
- Is emotionally unavailable
- Nothing is ever their fault
- Hangs onto resentment
- Has a grandiose sense of self
- Feels misunderstood
- Is not interested in solving marital problems, it is their way or the highway
- Is envious of other's success
When divorcing a narcissist, Dr. Bansckick says, "he completely dismisses any of your needs or all the years of devotion and mutual companionship that you had built together. Normal people remember the good from the past. It informs a sense of balance and fairness during a divorce (even through a betrayal). You may be getting a divorce, but that doesn't mean that you don't have valuable memories and a life story together. For the narcissist, it is all gone; like it never happened.
You will have to understand this if you are to deal effectively with him. The narcissist can undermine you with your friends, with your children and steal your money, all while looking sincere and generating good will among the community."
How To Protect Yourself When Divorcing The Narcissist
A narcissist finds it hard to accept that his/her influence in your life is over. Whether they file for the divorce or you, the narcissist will attempt to remain in control of his influence over your life. If you have children with this person they will work over-time at attempting to control how child support is spent, how child visitation is handled and every other aspect of the co-parenting relationship.
How much emotional abuse, financial and sometimes domestic abuse the narcissist is able to inflict depends on how you respond to him/her.
If you show the narcissist any sympathy, fear, weakness or confusion the narcissist will feed off of it and continue his/her cycle of abusive behaviour.
Protecting yourself means showing no weakness, not buying into anything the narcissist says, researching as much as you can find about narcissism and having an attorney on your side who is willing to pull out all the stops when it comes to protecting your legal rights.
4 Tactics For Dealing With The Narcissist During Divorce:
1. Examine your role in the ongoing conflict. The healthier you are emotionally the more success you will have in dealing with the narcissist. You are giving into the narcissist's attempt to manipulate every time you respond to him/her.
A narcissist is adept at causing confusion. When in an adversarial relationship such as divorce you begin to question whether the problem is with you or the narcissist. That is exactly where the narcissist wants you; confused and questioning yourself.
People often ask me what they can do to change how someone responds to them. If you are attempting to do something that will make a difference in the way he/she behaves STOP. You cannot change the behaviors of others but you can change the way you respond to their behaviour.
Your response to a narcissist should be measured. You should be aware that he/she is trying to push your buttons and wants a negative response from you. The best advice I can give is to realize that the things the narcissist does or says in not about you, it is about them. The narcissist is attempting to make themselves feel better by making you feel shame, fear or guilt.
The narcissist will project his own fears, shame, and guilt off onto you by using the Family Court System to abuse. Not retaliating or challenging them puts the shame, fear, and guilt back onto them.
2. Deal with the reality of the situation. The world of the narcissist is made up of fantasy, nothing is real, all is an expression of their need to be someone they are not. It is imperative you see the narcissist for who he/she really is and not for whom you wish he/she was.
Regardless of how good you want the narcissist to be, the more you work at bringing goodness out, the more the narcissist will exploit your goodness.
The narcissist wants you to doubt your own value. The best defense during divorce against such a person is to appreciate your own self-worth and refuse to buy into their need to dismiss and belittle you and your needs.
3. Be willing to set firm boundaries. The narcissist believes their needs are more important than yours, they believe they are more intelligent than you and find it unacceptable that anyone would disagree with them. For this reason, they lack an understanding of boundaries and respecting the needs of others.
You can't teach or expect the narcissist to ever respect your boundaries. You can, however, refuse to allow the narcissist to cross your boundaries and cause you undue stress during the divorce process. This is done by you controlling what behaviors you will and will not allow.
Don't make the mistake of believing that trying to control the behaviors of the narcissist is the answer to setting boundaries with him/her. Most believe that protecting themselves and setting boundaries means confronting and being assertive. This does not work with the narcissist. The more you confront and assert your position the more you play into their game.
When setting boundaries with the narcissist you need to refuse to communicate unless it can be done in a manner free of conflict, manipulation, and disrespect. You may need to insist that all communication is via email. You can let it be known that you will not respond to any communication that dismisses or belittles you and your needs.
You can expect the narcissist to push back against the boundaries you set. If you want to stop the cycle of abuse and disrespect you must be firm, stand your ground and refuse to allow him/her to push your buttons. Remember, you are trying to separate yourself from the narcissist. As I said, this is a threat to him/her so be on guard for efforts on their part to draw you back into the toxicity of the relationship.
4. Surround yourself with an understanding support system. During the divorce, we all go to family and friends for support and advice. Your situation is unique, though; friends and family will not understand and may even doubt your honesty when you relay what you are dealing with.
It is essential that you hire a divorce attorney who has an understanding of narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with it during the legal process of divorce. Also, find a therapist who can help you work through the feelings you will have during the divorce and after. A therapist can help you set boundaries and stick with them, a therapist can help you identify your role in the conflict and can help you understand what is and isn't "real." The people you choose to go to for help will play a huge role in how well you navigate divorce from a narcissist.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/surviving-emotionally-while-divorcing-a-narcissist-1102458
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
While co-parenting is advised by experts as an optimal situation for a child’s well-being after divorce, attempting to do so with an ex who has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder is usually unsuccessful. In most cases, an amicable relationship can’t be achieved between parents and parallel parenting is the only paradigm that should be attempted.
Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents—to feel it is okay to love both of their parents. Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist, reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment, and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when parents don’t get along or one parent has a high-conflict personality.
What is the solution for parents who want their children to have access to both parents but have high conflict? According to Dr. Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “Parallel Parenting is an arrangement in which divorced parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other, and having limited contact, in situations where they have demonstrated that they are unable to communicate with each other in a respectful manner.”
In other words, parallel parenting allows parents to remain disengaged with one another (and have a parenting plan) while they remain close to their children. For instance, they remain committed to making responsible decisions (medical, education, etc.) but decide on the logistics of day-to-day parenting separately.
According to parenting expert, Dr. Kruk, children of divorce benefit from strong and healthy relationships with both parents and they need to be shielded from their parents’ conflicts. He writes: “Some parents, however, in an effort to bolster their parental identity, create an expectation that children choose sides. In more extreme situations, they foster the child’s rejection of the other parent. In the most extreme cases, children are manipulated by one parent to hate the other, despite children’s innate desire to love and be loved by both parents.”
For instance, Ben and his ex-wife Alyssa divorced two years ago and their attempts to co-parent have been disastrous. After interviewing them and their two children (separately and together) it appears that the conflict between Ben and Alyssa is so intense that their two daughters often feel loyalty conflicts. According to Ben, Alyssa frequently bad-mouths him and criticizes his parenting. Describing his ex as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Ben says that interacting with each other at drop-offs, making shared decisions, or even speaking to her has been an incredible challenge.
In most cases, trying to co-parent cooperatively or having an amicable relationship with an ex who has a high-conflict personality or a personality disorder is problematic and not a realistic expectation because they’re so focused on themselves and their needs. According to family therapist Virginia Gilbert, MFT, attempts to co-parent with a narcissist will keep you engaged in a battle. She writes: “Targets of high-conflict personalities need to accept that it isn’t wise to be “authentic” with their ex. Strategic, limited disclosures and iron-clad boundaries are essential in managing a high-conflict divorce.”
When parents argue excessively and for too long, it can leave children feeling insecure and fearful. Even if it’s not the parents’ intention to cause harm, ongoing conflict can threaten a child’s sense of safety.
Truth be told, parents forget that children are vulnerable to feeling in the middle between their parents’ arguments. High parental conflict can send them into high alert. As a result, children may have difficulty sleeping, concentrating on school or social activities, or be plagued with fear and anxiety about their future.
Fortunately, there are plenty of things you can do to prevent your children from the damaging impact of long-term conflict during and after divorce. This process won’t be easy but is possible with a willingness to work on changing your approach and using the strategies outlined below.
7 Steps to successful parenting with a high-conflict ex-partner:
Don’t tolerate demeaning or abusive behavior from your ex and be sure that you and your children feel safe. This might mean having a close friend or family member on hand when you talk to your former partner. If you plan for the worst (and don’t expect that your ex will have moved on or be caring) you’ll be less likely to be blindsided by his/her attempts to control or get back at you. Be sure to save all abusive emails and text messages. Don’t respond to them since this can perpetuate more abuse.
Do accept help from counselors, mediators, or other helping professionals. Make sure you have plenty of support from a lawyer, friends, family, and a therapist. Use a third party mediator when needed. Therapists who utilize cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) are usually the most successful dealing with survivors of a relationship with an ex who has a personality disorder. Be sure to ask a therapist if they have experience with this treatment method.
Keep your eye on the big picture in terms of your children’s future. Although it’s stressful trying to co-parent or even parallel parent with a difficult ex, it’s probably in the best interest of your children. Adopt realistic expectations and pat yourself on the back for working at this challenging relationship for your kids.
Focus on the only thing you can control—your behavior! You alone are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t be persuaded by your ex to do something that you’re uncomfortable with just to keep the peace. Adopt a business-like “Just the facts, ma’am” style of communicating with him/her.
Minimize contact and set boundaries with your ex. High-conflict personalities thrive on the possibility of combat. Be prepared and write a script to use when talking to him/her and try to stick with it, using as few words as possible. For instance, if he/she tries to persuade you to reunite, say something like: “I tried to make this relationship work. Nothing has changed and it’s not healthy for us to stay together. I wish you well.”
Don’t express genuine emotion to your ex or apologize for wrongdoing in the relationship. If your ex is a perilous or abusive narcissist, they might interpret your apology as proof of your incompetence and use it against you, according toVirginia Gilbert, MFT.
Make sure you have a parenting plan that is structured and highly specific—spelling out schedules, holidays, vacations, etc. to minimize conflict. Using a communication notebook to share important details with your ex can be an essential tool and help you stay detached and business-like.
It’s crucial that you take an honest look at the impact your ex’s behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are having on you and possibly your children. Once you accept that you can only control your own behavior – not a person with a high conflict personality—your life will greatly improve. After all, you deserve to have a life filled with love and happiness! Go for it!
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/successful-post-divorce-parenting-high-conflict-ex-fiff/
I usually offer a sad smile when someone says, “I’m going through a really bad divorce.” I mean, is there any other kind? No. Getting divorced is no picnic. It’s a war, in many cases, and you feel like you are trying to come to agreements with someone who has become a complete stranger to you.
It’s kind of bizarre if you think about it. You once stood in a wedding dress with this person, did the whole romantic first wedding dance, had babies with him, and now, you just can’t stand each other, and all you want is to be as far away as possible from this person.
One thing that happens in almost every divorce is that because both people are so hurt and angry and bitter and sad and scared, they behave badly at times. I call it “bad divorce behavior.” In some divorces, it is a one time incident, in others, bad divorce behavior is perpetual and can go on years after the divorce is finalized.
What do I mean by bad divorce behavior? I’m talking about things like: one of the people flaunting their new boyfriend/girlfriend to hurt the spouse or make him or her jealous, not paying child support on time to aggravate the spouse, or badmouthing and brainwashing the kids against the soon-to-be-ex.
Bad divorce behavior is done with the intention of hurting the other person in some way, again because the person has all this pent up hurt, frustration, fear, anger, resentment, or a combination of two or more of these things.
Bad divorce behavior has consequences. First, it can slow down a divorce process, meaning the couple must spend more time and money before the divorce is final. Secondly, being petty and mean-spirited just makes everything worse. So, if you think you are hurting your spouse, you might be, but you are also hurting your ability to find peace, to heal, to move on. Lastly, bad divorce behavior also hurts innocent children. They are the true victims. If you hold the child support check back, who are you really hurting? But because of their intense pain, many people don’t realize or care, which is really really sad.
Here are 3 examples of bad divorce behavior—appalling divorce behavior, actually:
1. A Summer vacation good-bye kiss and hug denied. I know a couple who has been divorced for a few years. They have a very strict parenting schedule because that’s what the wife wants. She is never willing to bend the schedule, even if it means her ex missing out on seeing his kids because he is traveling. The wife was recently taking their three children on a summer vacation for a week. The ex-husband asked her if he could swing by the morning they were leaving and just give the kids a kiss and hug good-bye. He was planning on bringing them some treats from Starbucks for the car ride. The ex-wife adamantly refused and said, “You said good-bye to them last night. Why do you have to do it again?”
Here is my stance. issue. I think that the reason for this woman’s pettiness is that she clearly has underlying anger and resentment issues towards her ex that she hasn’t worked out. Secondly, if she asked herself, “Would the kids like this?” (which is a question every parent should ask when weighing a decision like this) and she answered herself “yes,” then she should have let him come over. She didn’t think of her kids, she thought of her own vengeance and satisfaction of hurting her ex (again.) Pitiful. Very very bad divorce behavior.
2. Ex and his fiancé mail wedding invitation for his kids to his ex’s house. This is a disgusting display of trying to twist the knife in the ex-wife’s back as hard as possible. Do people have that much hate that they would stoop to this level to try to hurt the ex? Apparently the ex has his own place, where the kids go frequently, so why not mail it there? Because the two bitter, angry, mean-spirited people wanted the ex-wife to suffer and feel sad and lonely. My take is that they are miserable, unhappy people. Why? Because happy people don’t want to hurt others like this. The fiancé is actually worse than the ex-husband. Why would SHE want to hurt the woman?? Ugh. Pathetic!
3. Ex husband tries to plant drugs and frame his ex-wife in attempt to get full custody. So basically, the guy hates his ex-wife so much that he wants to get her out of the pictureand take her away from his children. So, his hate for his ex exceeds the love he has for his children because he is attempting to take their mother away. Their mother. This is a very sick person. If any judge found out about this, he would be the one losing custody.
Anyone reading this is surely thinking, “I’ve got one…” meaning an example of bad divorce behavior. Why? Because some form of bad behavior is present in almost every divorce situation. I am guilty of it myself. I am not going to say I never behaved badly during my divorce and even after (although not to the extent of these three examples). My point is, I’m not preaching because I’ve been there.
But I think the key in avoiding bad divorce behavior is recognizing it. If you want to do something hurtful or vengeful to your ex, ask yourself two things: “Why am I doing it?” and “What am I trying to gain from this?” Sure, maybe it would feel good for a few minutes, and you could get that satisfaction of feeling justice, (like, “he really deserved that”) but what happens after? A, your kids might suffer. And B, I just think it leaves a person with a yucky feeling. No one wants to be the bad guy.
As far as being the victim of bad divorce behavior, remember two things: one, you cannot control what your ex is doing, so don’t try. Accept that you cannot change him or her. Two, take the high road. It is ALWAYS the best road, no matter what. Instead, lean on the Lord, friends, your kids, your family and your loved ones. Also, lean on yourself. You’d be surprised how much strength and courage you have that you don’t even realize. And in the end, the high road leads to happy, beautiful, successful places. And maybe, you might see that it overlooks the valley where vindictive people who implement bad divorce behavior end up as a result of their own bad choices.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/is-your-ex-behaving-badly-its-a-loaded-question_us_59636ddce4b0cf3c8e8d5a23
A newly divorced mother asks what she can do to make the first holiday after the divorce as pleasant as possible.
Q:
My husband and I divorced several months ago after eleven years of marriage. He's living in a neighboring town and we share custody of our children, ages nine and seven. It was a bitter divorce and our kids heard far too much anger towards the end.
My question is what to do about celebrating Christmas this year? I want this first holiday after the divorce to be as pleasant as I can make it for them, but I know it's going to be tough on everyone. My ex-husband will probably visit here on Christmas day and take the kids for part of their school vacation. Do I just try to celebrate like we always did? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
A:
Let's be honest, you, your ex, and your kids all will be experiencing some sadness and melancholy this Christmas. Although I'm sure you both have assured your kids that you will always love them and care for them, the reality of spending their first Christmas as a separated, divorced family will hit them hard (regardless of whether they actually speak to you of their feelings). They are going to long for happy holidays the way they used to be (or imagined them to be even if they weren't for you and your ex) and those times are gone.
You can, however, make every effort to provide them with the best emotional environment possible to enjoy this holiday season. Here are a few suggestions on how to deal with the additional stress during this particular holiday and how to satisfy your children's needs at this time:
Show them you understand their feelings and worries: "I know you're going to feel sad sometimes this Christmas and maybe a little angry and worried too. It's going to feel different not being together like we have been. Things will be different this year."
Offer them encouraging words: "You know, we all know how to have a good time together at Christmas. Your dad and I are going to think about all those good times, and we'd like you both to think back to them too. Even though it won't be the same, I know we can all enjoy each other at Christmas time and that your dad and I can each do some fun things with you over vacation. It's not going to be the same but we're going to make it good."
Be cordial with your ex over the holidays. Your behavior during this traditional family time can provide your kids with some hope that you two can and will be cordial with each other in the future.
Talk with your ex about gifts so your children won't be overindulged or let down.
Your kids are old enough to ask directly how they want to celebrate the holidays, given your changed family structure. Asking them what they want to do can lead to a natural discussion of what they're thinking and feeling.
Create some new holiday traditions that your kids can look forward to doing with you. Encourage your ex to create his own different traditions as well.
Keep all extended family, grandparents, etc. involved during the holidays (even if it can only be through email, cards, phone calls). They are still an integral part of your children's lives and provide them with continuity and security in the face of your changed family structure.
If you have done so before, continue to help your children select a present for your ex.
Don't communicate negative feelings about your ex through your words or behavior. Your kids will be taking their cues from the both of you.
Understanding that this first holiday season after your divorce will be different, while providing your children with compassion and coping strategies will not only help them through this holiday time but also long after the holidays pass. Peace and joy to all of you.
Source: https://www.familyeducation.com/life/dealing-divorce/first-christmas-after-divorce
Children need both parents after a divorce. Loving your children enough to foster a strong relationship with their other parent can be hard; here are 7 tips to prevent your children from becoming casualties of your bitter custody battle.
How could loving your children more than you hate your ex affect your custody process?
“Love your children more than you hate your ex,” I tell every potential divorce and child custody client when I meet with them. While that phrase seems like a no-brainer on the surface, children can often become an afterthought during a contentious divorce. You and your ex-spouse are expending all your energy fighting over money, alimony, child support, who gets which assets, and who get which debts.
The issues that lead to divorce – money issues, infidelity, communication breakdown, or basic incompatibility are commonly cited as factors – often bleed over into the divorce itself and to the actual child-custody decision-making and proceedings. Unfortunately, the pain and anger that one spouse may have experienced because of the acts of the other can warp how the two soon-to-be-ex spouses view each other as co-parents.
Bad Parenting is Almost Never the Reason for Divorce
I frequently ask prospective clients to list the reasons why they (or their spouse) is seeking a divorce, and I rarely hear issues associated with the other spouse’s parenting style or involvement with the children as the cause of divorce. Obviously, there are situations where the child has been abused by one parent; in those situations, the fight to protect the child is entirely appropriate. However, the vast majority of child-custody cases during or after divorce are fought over one spouse saying that the other wasn’t involved enough.
Ironically, when divorcing spouses reach the phase of dealing with child custody, many of them “suddenly remember” that the other spouse is the worst parent in the world. Assuming, for argument’s sake, that the other parent is a “terrible parent,” I almost always ask how important the other parent’s involvement would be in the child’s life, and the “good parent” admits that ongoing involvement is important. Despite this admission, many of them still do everything possible to limit the other parent’s involvement with their children.
Past Conflict gets Dragged into the Child Custody Process
Emotional wounds the spouses inflicted upon each other during the marriage cause the pain, anger, and disdain to flare right back up during a custody case, and the children are pawns in this rehashing – or escalation – of old marital fights. Each party argues that they are “only trying to protect their children” from the other spouse, or that the other spouse’s “lack of involvement” with the children during the marriage should limit their interaction with the kids today. Invariably, all the sacrifices, hard-work, and hours spent with the children are instantly forgotten by the other spouse.
Bitter custody battles are often fought when pain and anger from the failed marriage bleed over into the decision-making process associated with custody. But, if the spouses are able to step back and look at the other spouse as a parent who loves their children – not the fire-breathing dragon that has taken over their memory – they remember that the other parent wasn’t around as much because they were busy working to support the family. They may also remember that the other spouse rushed from work each day to pick the kids up and help them with homework, or that one spouse may have given up their professional dreams and goals to be a parent.
Loving Your Children Means Ensuring a Strong Relationship With Their Other Parent
Love your children more than you hate your ex. Most parents know that the other parent should be involved in their children’s life. Having a strong, stable and loving environment between both parents is immensely important and is integral to the emotional and mental wellbeing of the child. When spouses take the position to view the other spouse as their child’s parent, it can change their perspective on what custody arrangement is in the best interest of the child. Loving your children enough to ensure that their relationship with their other parent is the focus is a hard thing to do. Letting some of the anger and pain unrelated to the child custody issues go is daunting. But your children should not be a casualty of the war of divorce.
7 Tips to Stop Your Children from Becoming Casualties of Your Custody Battle
Here are seven suggestions for learning to see your ex-spouse as the loving co-parent of your children rather than the former romantic partner who let you down so badly. To do this, you must love your children more than you hate your ex.
- Make a realistic and honest list of who has primarily taken care of the children since birth. List it by year. With that list, also note what the other parent was doing at that time.
- List the pros and cons regarding your children having equal time between both parents. Although hard, separate the obvious emotional strain you will experience from not being around your child while they are with the other parent.
- Consider how your children view the other parent. Most children love both parents; your kids may need reassurance that it’s OK to continue to love their other parent after divorce.
- Consider what impact not having a relationship with their other parent would have on your children. What effect would the lack of a meaningful relationship have on the child when the other parent is prevented from showing up to Daddy-Daughter Dance or Mother-Son brunch? How would your children feel about not being able to celebrate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day with their other parent?
- How would you view your actions if you were the other parent? Are you being reasonable?
- How would your children view your actions 10 to 20 years from now? Would they resent you? Would they believe that you damaged or destroyed their relationship with the other parent?]
- Consider seeing a family therapist to help you work through custody issues amicably – or at least respectfully – with the other parent. The focus in this therapy setting is not to rehash the issues of the marriage or divorce, but to focus on co-parenting and creating a happy, healthy future for your children.
How to respond when your ex provokes you
When you’re dealing with a high-conflict custody dispute, it’s important to remain level-headed and stand your ground. Here are some tips for coping when your ex repeatedly tries to antagonize you over your custody arrangement:
Practice self-awareness. You can’t change how the other person behaves, but you can change the way you respond or contribute to the situation. Especially if you’re dealing with an extremely high-conflict personality who’s manipulative or accustomed to getting his or her own way, focusing on what you know to be true about yourself and the situation will help you stay grounded.
Write it all down. Start keeping a journal where you can document not only your interactions with your ex, but also your own feelings. In particular, you’ll want to look for patterns that can help you create routines for dealing with the situation. And remember, your goal isn’t to change your ex’s behavior -- because you don’t have any control over that. What you want to do—and can do—is identify small changes that will make the situation easier for your children and yourself.
Surround yourself with positive influences. Think about who you listen to most. Is it your best friend? A family member? Make an intentional effort to surround yourself with positive people who will help you be more assertive without unnecessarily making you more upset or adding drama.
Set boundaries with your ex. Put limits on when you’ll answer the phone, text, and meet to discuss the situation. For example, let your ex know that you’re available until 8 p.m. to talk on the phone or text, but that your phone will be set to silent after that. And when you need to discuss custody and other issues in person, make a point of meeting in a public place where you feel comfortable.
Compromise when appropriate. You don’t want to become a doormat or for one voluntary compromise to suggest that your ex can have his or her way all the time. However, it can be extremely effective to proactively offer up a compromise that is important to your ex but doesn’t cost you more than you’re willing to give up. When possible, try to be as flexible with you ex as you’d like him or her to be with you.
Work with a lawyer you trust. Don’t attempt to navigate a bitter custody battle on your own. Hire an attorney who knows the child custody laws in your state and has experience practicing family law. If money is an issue, contact your state Bar Association for referrals to pro-bono legal services and legal clinics in your area.
Develop a written parenting plan. Put your agreements down on paper so that you have something to refer to when either of you asks for changes or claims that the custody arrangement isn’t being followed. Some states require a parenting plan, but even if your state doesn’t, a clearly written parenting plan will make it more difficult for your ex to manipulate the situation or claim that you’re not following the plan you both agreed to. Be sure to include details like transportation, when each visit will start and end, and how you plan to handle school holidays, as well.
Most parents will see improvement with the steps outlined above. However, if you’re experiencing a particularly high-conflict custody dispute with an individual who’s become aggressive or unstable, it may be safer to back off. The following recommendations are for situations where safety may be compromised by continuing to use rational communication methods:
Seek counseling. Particularly if you’re trying to co-parent with a narcissistpersonality, you should consider speaking with a professional. This will give you a safe place to unload all that you’re dealing with while also providing strategies for coping and remaining differentiated from any drama your ex is attempting to stir up.
Minimize contact. If your ex frequently lashes out at you, take steps to minimize contact with him or her. While I don’t recommend zero contact, unless safety is an issue, it can helpful to limit contact to conversations that are absolutely necessary.
Stay on topic. Avoid venturing off into topics that could worsen the conflict between you. For example, don’t bring up old arguments that aren’t likely be resolved and don’t allow yourself to react when your ex tries to stir up trouble with accusations or inflammatory words.
Consider a restraining order. This is only recommended in situations where your safety or your children’s safety is at risk. Never exaggerate circumstances in an effort to secure a restraining order, as this will only work against you. To get a restraining order, contact your local police station or—in an emergency—call 911.
Finally, remember that the purpose of every communication with your ex is to facilitate his or her ongoing relationship with your children—a relationship that your kids have a right to experience. To the extent that you can, try to put your differences behind you and work toward developing a more healthy co-parenting relationship. And remember, your co-parenting relationship is still developing; with help, it won't always be as difficult as it is today.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/help-dealing-with-a-high-conflict-custody-dispute-2998162
How to Develop Consistent Co-parenting Habits
Whether you're parenting young children or teenagers, it is helpful to develop some routines which remain consistent at each residence. Keep in mind, though, that this does not mean that each of you must parent exactly the same way. On the contrary, it's important for you to develop your own parenting style while also working toward an appropriate level of consistency for your children. Here are some areas where you can collaborate with your ex on co-parenting more consistently:
Schedules: Children thrive on routines. Whether your children are toddlers or tweens, you'll want to make sure your day together includes some type of schedule. Areas, where you can build consistency, include what the kids are expected to do when they wake up early in the morning when they can watch TV when they should do their homework, and when meals will be shared.
Transitions: Understandably, transitioning between two homes can be hard for your children. You can make this easier by creating standards which the children can anticipate, such as creating consistent drop-off or pick-up times and developing a routine for how you'll say goodbye to each other. Being able to anticipate the routine is comforting to children and will help ease their anxiety during transitions.
Meals: Meals offer a great way for any family to build in consistency. Begin by asking yourself some questions: Do the kids usually eat breakfast right away, or do they play for a while first? Can they watch TV while they're eating? What time do they usually eat lunch and dinner? What about snacks? As adults, we can usually handle a skipped meal here and there; but it's important to make sure your children eat at regular intervals. In addition, if your child has a food allergy or sensitivity, it's crucial that each of you follow the instructions provided by your child's paediatrician.
Rules: If you haven't done this yet, sit down with your co-parent and discuss your house rules. How can you make them similar so that the children know what is expected of them each time they move back and forth between your homes? Doing this as early as possible in your co-parenting relationship will help enable your children to meet your expectations.
Routines: Consider how being consistent with regards to school work and chores can benefit your children. It's much easier for them to develop the self-discipline needed to succeed in life when the expectations we have for them are consistent. In addition, your expectations send a message to your children that you value their contribution and believe in their abilities.
Consequences: You'll also want to discuss the consequences you plan to administer when your children misbehave. Are you committed to giving warnings? Will you use time-out? Will you revoke privileges when necessary? If so, which ones? Being united with your co-parent on these issues can make the job of following through with consequences easier for both of you.
Bedtime Rituals: Inconsistency at bedtime is a frequent co-parenting complaint. Realize that it's most healthy for your children to go to bed at approximately the same time each night. This greatly impacts their ability to fall asleep naturally and independently. Talk with one another about what time your kids go to bed and whether they sleep with a night light or a special blanket, toy, or doll. Best of all, consistent co-parenting with regards to the bedtime routines will help your kids wake up refreshed for your time together, and that means more fun for each of you.
The Impact of Consistent Co-parenting
Finally, be careful to observe the impact of any changes you make toward more consistent co-parenting. Initially, making changes can seem like "work." However, as you observe that your children are more relaxed, participating more in family routines, and having fun during your time together, you'll find it to be well worth the effort.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/parenting-consistently-with-your-ex-2998060
Why do we choose anger over kindness after divorce?
As a society, we’ve normalized nastiness after divorce. Anger and conflict have become the default response to going through a divorce.
But that is no surprise, look at Trump on Twitter using words like, “clown, dummy dope, low-class slob, loser, fat phony. It would seem that nastiness is being normalized in all walks of life.
Shouldn’t our goal, once divorced, be to learn lessons and heal patterns and deal with unresolved issues so we can get off the hamster wheel of dysfunctional relationships? Why then, are most of us choosing to ignore the opportunity to do better after divorce and instead choosing to prolong the conflict?
I read a comment the other day by a divorced mother who had purchased her teen daughter a car. Her ex had refused help with the purchase price nor the monthly insurance payments. That didn’t sit well with this mother AND she was determined one way or another, he would pay.
How did she make him pay? By refusing to allow her teen daughter to drive the car to her ex’s home for visitation or, for that matter, to not allow her daughter to use the car in anyway that might benefit her ex.
Talk about unresolved issues! Instead of quietly reflecting on her anger and whether or not it would benefit her and her daughter to respond in such a way, this mother went willy-nilly off on a “I’ll show him,” course of destruction which puts her daughter in the middle of her anger at her ex and only does further harm to all involved.
Being nice to someone you’re angry with doesn’t make you a “doormat.” It makes you the bigger person. So what if your ex is an asshole? That doesn’t mean you have to be one too. Some hang on to that need to return nasty with nasty and when they do, it’s very telling. It says more about them than the asshole they are trying to punish.
Why do some of us hold onto the anger and conflict after divorce?
1. We hold onto the hurt, the anger, and the resentment because we fear that if we let it go, then whoever caused our pain in the first place, would be getting away with it. Our default response to emotional pain isn’t to heal and feel better, it’s to slap out at the person who hurt us.
2. It helps us feel safe. Our anger saves us from having to admit we are hurt. That would make us feel vulnerable, unsafe.
3. Anger gives us a sense of identity. With our anger intact, we know who we are—a person who was “wronged.” As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us—our anger and victimhood—which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose. We have definition and a grievance that carries weight. That’s comfortable!
4. We have expectations that are too high. Many of us have high expectations for others and when they don’t deliver we become insulted, disappointed, or disenchanted. If the Mom above had lowered her expectations about her ex’s involvement in buying the daughter a car, she wouldn’t be so angry.
5. We want to be angry. If being angry with people for a long time has become our pattern and we’re able to manipulate the situation until we get what we want it must be working for us! Why change anything? If you’re holding onto anger it’s because it’s working for you in some way.
Instead of being angry over whatever harm was done to you during or after your marriage, why not view it as an interesting time in your history and use the experience to learn more about what it means to be human and humble?
Being willing to do so, to let go of the anger and stop returning nasty with nasty is the only way we’re going to change our default response to divorce with nastiness to healing, civility, and a rewarding new life.
Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/why-is-our-default-response-to-divorce-nastiness/
The challenge of going through a divorce pro-se, a Latin term meaning “on one’s own behalf,” is something many people face everyday. With some preparation, and these six tips, you can make it through the nightmare and come out alive.
Preparation. Prepare yourself for the legal fight you have coming. Free divorce workshops and support groups are offered in many towns. Progressive court systems are now offering free clinics for people who will be representing themselves in one of life’s most difficult chapters. Visit the courthouse where your divorce will be heard. Sit for several hours and observe the judge and attorneys. Become comfortable in the environment. It can be intimidating to people who have never been through legal proceedings before.
Hunker Down. Go ahead now and accept the possibility that some of your family and friends will fall for the narcissist’s tendency to tell the story in a convincing manner. Don’t hold a grudge against those in your circle who buy into his or her manipulations. Remember, you also once believed the things you were told. Narcissists will not tolerate failure and this makes it improbable that your soon-to-be-ex will accept any responsibility for the ending of the marriage. You may be the target of a vicious smear campaign and painted as a villain. Be strong and take the high road and eventually the narcissist will be seen for who they truly are. It always happens.
Document. Document. Document. Keep a daily agenda-style journal for recording things that happen. For more important items — or items too large to document in your journal — send an email to yourself in which you spell out the event. Keeping all documents and paperwork in binders —coordinated with your journal — divided by year, month and day, will make retrievable of even the most arcane piece of information easier.
Organize. In connection with the advice above, make sure you get — and stay — organized. Find a system that works for you. Some people maintain strictly digital records. Others use a binder system and others use some combination. The best retrieval system will be one that’s simple and that you will use consistently.
Stop Talking. Or at least limit your communication with your soon-to-be-ex. Keep conversations short and unemotional. If zero contact is impossible, especially if you have children together, then try to limit your communication to emails or texting. Anything that will make sure you can easily keep a record will help. Establish personal boundaries and don’t waiver. Narcissists get their energy from being able to control you. Do not give in to their twisted hunger by giving them what they request.
Maintain Composure. When it’s finally time to face your spouse in the courtroom, make sure you are completely prepared. Thorough preparation will help you stay focused and composed when the problems get too sticky. When you face false accusations, be sure to answer calmly and be ready to provide credible information based on facts. Staying focused will keep you from getting caught up in the need to defend every small allegation and wasting energy. To be successful and maintain composure while the narcissist is testifying, take notes of things that you would like to address, but don’t get sidetracked. Stay focused and stay strong and entered.
Probably no one told you this process will be easy. If you can make a conscious decision to be a survivor instead of a victim, the knowledge you’ve gained can be life-changing as you go through the steps. Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. If you find yourself going up against a narcissist as your own representative, then fasten your safety belt and use the oxygen mask if you need to.
Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/six-important-tips-when-divorcing-a-narcissist/
