You Have The Power To Choose Your Attitude

In these moments when you want to lose your cool, it’s worth asking: What’s to be gained?

We’ve all had those moments of losing our cool. Often it happens in the car, when someone cuts us off and we lash out either vocally or demonstrably, venting our frustration into the vacuum. And sometimes it happens in a more public fashion. I witnessed two of these episodes recently, both in airports (another place that seems to send many of us over the edge).

In the first incident, a couple was late for their connecting flight, so late that the gate had already closed and the plane was in the process of pushing back. It was a small airport, and the rest of us watched as the woman banged on the door repeatedly, demanding that someone on the other side open it, and then both she and her partner turned on the gate agent, screaming at him and demanding to know why the plane had left without them. It was both fascinating and uncomfortable to watch, especially as their toddler wandered around the airport, happy and oblivious to his parents’ distress.

In the second incident, we were on one of the buses that takes you from the gate to your plane at Reagan National in D.C. It’s a silly experience, but necessary, and anyone who gets onto the bus early knows that there will be a period of waiting for the stragglers. As we all waited a man let loose to no one in particular (but apparently directed at his family) about what a stupid process it was, and how incompetent the people driving the bus were, and so forth, in a louder and louder voice. By the time we got to the plane, another, unrelated woman had joined in, complaining loudly for all to hear.

We’ve all been there. And yes there are places – in the car, in an airport – that tend to bring out the particular worst in all of us. But it’s worth asking ourselves in these moments,what’s to be gained? The couple in the first scenario did not berate themselves onto the plane, and frankly, who would want them there? The two individuals in the second scenario did not get us to the plane any faster, but they sure did irritate all of their fellow passengers.

Our attitude is a choice. We have no control over the attitudes and behaviors of others. Despite what we might tell ourselves, we can’t make other people better friends, partners, or colleagues. Banging on the door of the gate isn’t going to make the plane come back. And, most likely, yelling at the gate agent and calling him names isn’t going to get you better service.

The positive psychology researcher Shawn Achor tells us that 90% of our long-term happiness is predicted not by the world around us, but by how our brain processes the world around us. In other words, if we choose to see the world as out to get us, then that is how we will experience it. But of course, the flip-side of that is also true: if we choose to see the world as a generally positive, supportive place, then that is how we will experience it.

That doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen. But it does take some of the perceived negative intent out of those things when they do. Maybe the person who just cut us off is late getting to the hospital to see a sick loved one, and not just a jerk. Maybe the gate agent is just doing his job, and not conspiring against us.

This has real implications for our work relationships, as well. While it would be lovely to think that we are surrounded by hard-working, supportive colleagues who always have our best interests at heart, we know that’s not always the case. Sometimes people let us down at work, and it has consequences for our ability to do our jobs well. Sometimes people aren’t good at their jobs, or don’t treat us the way we would like to be treated.

It bears repeating: you have zero ability to “fix” them, to change their behaviors or theirattitudes. All that you can do is choose how you will react. So in these moments, before your inclination is to lash out at them, take a deep breath and think about:

• What’s causing these feelings? I find that often when I get the most irritated in the car is when I’m running late somewhere, which is, of course, not the fault of all of the people around me. Is the root cause this other person’s actions or my own?
• What will my reaction get me? Is the momentary satisfaction of blasting another person worth the potential long-term impacts on our relationship? Will it get me the results that I am looking for?
• What do I not know about this situation? Is there a reason that this other person is behaving in this way? Are there some questions that I can ask to find out more?
• Who’s watching me? Who is going to learn from this moment, and what will they learn about appropriate behavior and about me?

A recent study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology found that venting and complaining at work actually increases the impact of negative experiences. This doesn’t mean one should be a Pollyanna about work and life, refusing to see that anything can possibly be wrong. It does mean that we can all benefit from choosing our attitudes, in work, in life, and especially when the stakes seem particularly high.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/choose-your-attitude_us_58f2441de4b0156697224fbf?utm_hp_ref=stress

Divorce Recovery: Dealing with Jealousy

You know that moment. Some of us know it all too well during and after divorce. The moment when one of your grown children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” who is at your ex’s house. Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe while you’re struggling to make ends meet.

Ah, jealousy.

The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own divorce recovery.

You’re not alone when it comes to dealing with jealousy, especially after a divorce. And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.

Jealousy is selfish.
Have you ever known someone in your life who was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Well, jealousy is like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.

And instead of focusing on yourself, jealously is there telling you, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the amazing things they’re doing!”

What benefit is there to focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is there to thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over?

You already know the answer. Being jealous has no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?

The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.

Jealousy is also lazy.
You know what’s easier than working on yourself? Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it.

One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things beyond our control. And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spent focusing on the most important thing — YOU. It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex”, rather than focusing on your own finances and schedule, so you can plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget. It’s easier to say, “That jerk already has a new partner! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.

See what I mean? Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move on. It’s a lot easier to remain bitter over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.

But I am jealous! So what am I supposed to do?!
I know, I know… you’re human and you may be hurting, especially if your marriage lasted decades. But there’s something you can do about it.

Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.
The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.

• Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.

“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”

• Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.

“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because, financially, I feel like I cannot treat myself.”

• Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?

“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go… sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.”

How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy? And what actions can you take to overcome it?

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/divorce-recovery-dealing-with-jealousy/

Coping with Divorce-Related Anger

Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their "trial separation" when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: "How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?" And, perhaps worst of all, "What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?"

At Jim's apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose's chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. "How could you do this to me?" she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him...

Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.”

But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness.

Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.

Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope.

Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry.

Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. “Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.”

Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger.

If You are Angry

• Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
• Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
• Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
• Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
• Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
• Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
• Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
• Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
• Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
• Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
• Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
• Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
• Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.

If your Ex is Angry

• Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
• Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
• Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
• Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
• Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
• Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
• Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
• Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
• Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
• Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.

Source:  http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/coping-with-divorce-related-anger

Dealing with Anger during a Separation or Divorce - Parent Connection

Anger is a natural and normal response to loss and everybody going through a relationship breakdown will experience it. Although anger is a necessary and healthy response to separation it can be scary, both for the person experiencing the anger and the person on the receiving end. Firstly because the intensity of feeling can make you feel like you’re out of control. Secondly, because it can be unpredictable – you can swing from feelings of hatred and revenge to feelings of insecurity and sadness and then back again.

Feeling angry is not necessarily a matter for concern, but how you deal with that anger is a major one for parents post separation. Feeling angry is healthy when it gives you the energy to get on and take control; when it protects your self esteem and it helps you to stand up for yourself. It also helps you to separate emotionally from your ex.

Dealing with anger is unhealthy when you:

Bottle up your anger and turn it inwards as this can lead to depression. This can make you less available to your children and deprives them of the normal relationship they have with you.

Express your anger as aggression (and this includes silent, passive aggression) as this damages you and the people around you. Seeing conflict is frightening for children and affects them. Anger directed at the children’s other parent will interfere with the development of a co-parenting relationship and will affect the quality of your children’s relationships with both parents.

To make sure that your anger works through in a healthy way, talk about your feelings to friends or a counsellor. Use some of that energy in physical exercise - hit a punch bag, a cushion or a football. Take care of yourself.

If you feel your anger has becomes a problem you may need to change the way you think.

You may think you have a right to be angry and whoever it’s directed at deserves it. No matter how justified it is, ask yourself what good is the anger really doing. Weigh this up against the damage it’s doing to you and your children.

You may think its ok to be angry because it doesn’t affect anyone else. Just because you don’t rage and shout doesn’t stop people noticing your anger and feeling unsafe or intimidated. Neither does it stop you being stuck in the past and unable to move on.
You may think that being angry is a way of getting what you want. Ask yourself what you truly want – revenge for what’s happened to you or to be treated fairly. Being a bully is not a way of getting justice and can backfire badly. You risk communication breakdown with the other parent which is a trigger for problems with the child contact arrangements.

You may also need to acknowledge past hurts. You might think that you have got over past losses and injustices, especially those from childhood. If you are now finding that your response to the current situation is way over the top it may be that they still have the power to affect you. Although you can’t do anything to change your experiences, your attitude towards them could change. It can be difficult to do this alone and counselling could help you to explore your feelings in a safe way.

If you are being affected by your partner’s anger

If your ex’s anger seems extreme or if they seem to be stuck in anger and unable to move on, you need to protect yourself by limiting your contact with your ex. Your first priority is to make yourself and your children safe. You may need to involve a solicitor to help and advise you. The Domestic Violence Helpline offers confidential support and information 24 hours a day.

Source: https://theparentconnection.org.uk/articles/dealing-with-anger-during-a-separation-or-divorce-parent-connection

Exercises for Stress & Anger Management

Stress and anger often go hand in hand. As your stress levels rise, so do your levels of frustration and tension. Likewise, repressed or uncontrolled anger can cause aggravation and stress. If you think you have a problem handling anger and stress in your life, you may want to consider seeing a counselor. Effectively handling your anger requires a combination of stress and anger management exercises. You can learn these techniques on your own or discuss them with your therapist for maximum benefit.

Physical Exercise

Physical exercise is one of the most effective methods for reducing anger and stress, according to author Vicki L. Schutt in her book, "How to Effectively Control Your Anger." Physical exercise provides you with an opportunity to release your emotions, especially if you feel as if you're about to explode. Additionally, exercise can help to reduce stress levels by increasing your body's production of endorphins, which are natural "feel-good" neurotransmitters that promote feelings of well-being. The next time you feel stressed or angry, try going for a run or a walk.

Reframing Exercise

Reframing is a mental technique used to diffuse hostile feelings and anger, according to author Richard West and Lynn H. Turner in their book, "Understanding Interpersonal Communication: Making Choices in Changing Times." It helps by changing your attitude about a given situation and changing the "frame" around it so you can see it in a more positive, productive light. Write down your negative, angry feelings for two days. Any time you experience a negative or angry thought, write it down. At the end of these two days, see if you can notice a theme in your thought patterns. Perhaps there is a general feeling or need that is not being met. Take one of the negative, angry thoughts you've written down and try to figure out a positive or productive counter-argument. For example, if you've written "I hate everyone," or "Everyone is out to get me," you could think, "Everyone has bad days, other people have problems, too." This exercise is most helpful if you are able to discuss your reactions with a therapist or trusted friend.

Deep Breathing

Deep breathing exercises can help you to relax, take time out and help you to gain control over yourself and the situation you're in. Deep breathing can reduce stress and anger by re-focusing your mind on bodily sensations instead of negative, volatile thoughts. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, deep breathing exercises can help your body to relax itself. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie down. Place one hand on your stomach and close your eyes. Inhale and focus on filling your abdominal area, then your chest, with breath. Pause, and slowly exhale. Continue breathing in this manner until you feel calmer and more relaxed.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is a technique that can relieve stress, anger and tension. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, this exercise is best performed lying down. You consciously tense and relax the major muscle groups in your body. Close your eyes, and tense your toes and feet for a few seconds, then release. Next, tense your calves and lower leg, then release. Continue tensing and relaxing your muscles until you get to your head. As you tense and relax each muscle, breathe deeply and allow your mind to focus solely on the physical sensations you are experiencing.

Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/335841-exercises-for-stress-anger-management/