9 Rules for Turning Endings into New Beginnings

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over. There’s a big difference between giving up and starting over in the right direction. And there are three little words that can release you from your past regrets and guide you forward to a positive new beginning. These words are: “From now on…”
So, from now on…

1. Let the things you can’t control, GO. – Most things are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Positive things happen in your life when you emotionally distance yourself from the negative things. So stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right. Do not let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control. Read The Success Principles.
2. Accept and embrace reality. – Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. For everything you lose, you gain something else; and for everything you gain, you lose something else. You don’t have to like it, but it’s just easier if you do. So pay attention to your outlook on life. You can either regret or rejoice; it’s your choice.
3. Change your mind. – Change is like breath – it isn’t part of the process, it is the process. In reality the only thing we can count on is change. And the first step toward positive change is to change your outlook. Prepare for the positive. Prepare for the new. Allow the unknown to take you to fresh and unforeseen areas in yourself. Growth is impossible without change. If you cannot change your mind, you cannot change anything in your life. Sometimes all you need to do is look at things from a different perspective.
4. Hold tight to the good things. – When life’s struggles knock you into a pit so deep you can’t see anything but darkness, don’t waste valuable energy trying to dig your way out. Because if you hastily dig in the dark, you’re likely to head in the wrong direction and only dig the pit deeper. Instead, use what energy you have to reach out and pull something good in with you. For goodness is bright; its radiance will show you which way is up, and illuminate the correct path that will take you there. Read Learned Optimism.
5. Rest and regroup. – Strength isn’t about bearing a cross of grief or shame. Strength is about choosing your path, living with the consequences, and learning from them. Sometimes you do your best and end up with a mess. When this happens, don’t be discouraged. You tried. That’s really all you can ever do. You have not failed; you just learned what not to do. So rest, regroup, and begin again with what you now know.
6. Take chances. – Making a big life change or trying something new can be scary. But do you know what’s even scarier? Regret. So realize that most of your fears are much bigger in your mind than they are in reality; you’ll see this for yourself as soon as you face them. Don’t let them stop you. Live your life so that you never have to regret the chances you never took, the love you never let in, and the gifts you never gave out. Read The Magic of Thinking Big.
7. Keep climbing. – Every person who is at the top of the mountain did not fall there from the sky. Good things come to those who work for them. You gain confidence and grow stronger by every experience in which you truly push yourself to do something you didn’t think you could do. If you are standing in that place of in-between, unable or unwilling to go backwards, but too afraid to move forward, remember that you can’t enjoy the view without being willing to climb.
8. Appreciate what you have learned. – Nothing is more beautiful and powerful than a smile that has struggled through the tears. Don’t regret your time, even the moments that were filled with hurt. Smile because you learned from it and gained the strength to rise above it. In the end, it’s not what you have been through that defines who you are; it’s how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow.
9. Realize every step is necessary. – Nothing is ever wrong. We learn from every step we take. Whatever you did today was a necessary step to get to tomorrow. So be proud of yourself. Maybe you are not as good as you want to be, or as great as you one day will be; but thanks to all the lessons you’ve learned along the way, you are so much better than you used to be.

Source: http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/09/28/9-rules-for-turning-endings-into-new-beginnings/

5 Crappy Things You Need To Feel (If You Want To Get Over Your Divorce)

You're grieving! Cut yourself some slack.

We always hear about the five stages of grief a person goes through when a loved one passes away. But, did you know that you will also go through these five stages of grief after a divorce?

When you go through a divorce it's like a death of love. Even if you're the one who initiated the divorce, you will still grieve. This is because you are not only mourning the loss of your marriage, you are also grieving the loss of your hopes and dreams — the belief of what you thought your life was going to look like.

I want to emphasize that each person will go through the stages of grief differently and there is no set length of time. The ultimate goal is to get to the fifth stage: acceptance.

Some experts agree that it takes one year for every ten years of marriage to get over it. That's quite a long time; a lot can happen in a year. However, it may take you more or less time depending upon several factors, including who initiated the divorce, how happy you were in the marriage, and your own personal state of confidence and well-being.

During the grieving process, you will often feel particular emotional effects of divorce as well.

A review of the five stages of grief as they relate to divorce:

1. You just can't seem to accept that it's really over.

Believe it or not, the denial stage often begins during the marriage. It may be hard to believe or accept the fact that your marriage is over. You hold on to a sliver of hope that things can be different — that things will change. You believe that the two of you will be able to spark that magic that once occurred in your relationship.

Denial is normal. It's a way to help you grasp the fact of what's happening without overwhelming emotions. It's a way for you to hide from the facts in order to deal with the pain.

Other forms of denial include not believing they want out of the marriage, not believing that they are in love with another, or finding it difficult to believe that this is really happening to you. After all, you never thought you would find yourself in this situation.

2. Everything about your ex makes you angry.

During and after your divorce, you may experience anger directed in a variety of ways depending on the situation that ultimately led to the divorce.

For example, you may be angry at your ex for cheating. You could be angry at his boss for making him work long hours. You could be angry about her using alcohol or drugs or for not caring enough to make things work. You may be angry at yourself for not seeing the writing on the wall, for putting up with their crap for as long as you did, or for not showing them the love and respect that they craved.

Anger also occurs because of the way he treats the kids. You are angry that he doesn't call the kids, visit them, or seem to care about them. You're angry that she doesn't pay child support on time or that she left you in a financial mess. Whatever the reason, you're gonna feel it.

3. You find yourself thinking "If only..." often.

Bargaining is so much more than trying to figure out ways to win them back. The bargaining stage is where you find yourself thinking, "If only..." "I could have..." "I should have..." and "What if?"

In essence, you are attempting to change the past or the current reality through your thoughts. In a way, bargaining is trying to rationalize what happened. You think, "If only I had seen it coming," "If only I had tried harder," or, "If only I had forced them to go to counseling." You are trying to fix what has already happened.

Bargaining may also come in the form of revenge toward your ex, and possibly his or her new lover. You hope that your ex will get what is coming. You may be thinking, "I want them to be as miserable as I am," or "I wish they would just get run over by a bus." This is also normal.

4. You just want to bury yourself under the covers for months.

Odds are you, you're gonna go through depression, not eating, exercising, or sleeping properly. The nights are filled with restless sleep and dreams of what might have been, as well as nightmares that you will wind up a bag lady alone on the streets.

During the depression stage, you may feel a deep sadness over the loss of your marriage. You may be hurt that your vows did not mean as much to your spouse as they did to you. You may cry over the fact that he was not the person you thought he was. You shed tons of tears for your children.

While in a depressed state, you may play victim by labeling your ex as a narcissist, sociopath, or compulsive liar in order to get through the pain.

You may find yourself depressed over the fact that you lost your home and have to move in with family or friends, or that you need to find a new job to support yourself. The mere thought that you are totally on your own may scare the heck out of you. This overwhelming fear may revert you back to any of the other stages of grief.

5. Finally, you are ready to build a new life for yourself.

Acceptance comes when you fully accept the fact that your marriage, as well as your hopes and dreams for the future together, are over. It is at this point that you are ready to build a new life for yourself. Acceptance is letting go of the past.

Even after accepting the divorce, you may still find yourself dealing with anger, blame, or guilt. However, your emotions get less intense as time goes on. For the most part, you feel indifference for who your ex is and what they are doing. You have separated your personal life from theirs. If you have children together, you learn to co-parent without rehashing old hurts.

You are like the foundation of a house. It can withstand fire as well as the most severe of storms. You built your marriage on top of this foundation. The marriage crumbled, the walls came falling down, and you grieved. When you sweep away the debris, you are left with a beautiful, strong foundation to build your new life on.

Source: https://www.yourtango.com/experts/cindy-holbrook/5-stages-grief-during-divorce

Feeling Optimistic About Your Future, Despite Divorce

Divorce is just the current chapter in your life. It may be a very long chapter, but it will eventually come to an end. And another chapter will begin. That's what hope springs from and, despite all the challenges in divorce, you will get there.

It is not uncommon in the early days of divorce that the ideas of moving on, finding love, and feeling like you will ever recover are almost non-existent. For many, any thoughts about those things feel like an eternity to the reality of your life -- the emotional roller coaster, the difficulty communicating with your soon-to-be ex, and trying to make your life work, but in a different way.

Yet, oftentimes what helps people weather the many storms and the ups and downs that come with a divorce is feeling both hopeful and optimistic about their future -- despite how they feel at the moment. Experiencing the glimmers of a better, happier day when their divorce is a thing of the past allows for positive emotions to emerge and keeps them moving in a healthy direction. People hang on to those moments, even if they are initially outnumbered by the challenging and negative experiences. By doing so, they can begin to believe that, eventually, the tide will turn and the positive days will begin to outnumber the negative.

It is also during the hopeful and promising times that a person starts to have a mind shift from 'we' to 'me.' One can see this happening when they are beginning to feel hopeful about their future, envisioning what they want their new life to look like through fantasies and visualization, and imagining how they might create a better future -- one filled with possibilities. The possibility of being able to love again, having a healthy relationship, possibly a life with more solitude, or stronger family and friendships are all hopeful thoughts. Whatever one envisions, it is theirs to create!

Yet, to get from where you are to where you hope to be one day soon often means drawing on your imagination and recognizing that your impending divorce doesn't have to dictate where you are. It shouldn't define you -- and you shouldn't allow it to. If we give all our energy to our divorce, there will be little left over for the good -- we must remember the better things in life that await us around the corner.

Divorce is just the current chapter in your life. It may be a very long chapter, but it will eventually come to an end. And another chapter will begin. That's what hope springs from and, despite all the challenges in divorce, you will get there. You will feel love again -- have hope for your future.

Being hopeful again will start to carry you down a path of renewed belief not just in yourself, but also in your future. Hope carries us forward and through..

It is important that, while you are doing what you need to do to get through your divorce, you also focus on creating solitude, happiness, and what you need to do to create a better and different future. To find those answers, why not ask yourself these questions:

• What would you change about your current situation?
• What would you have done differently in your marriage?
• How did you change in the marriage? Was that a good thing?
• How do you imagine your next relationship to be? How do you want it to be?
• How will you be different?
• What changes will you want or need to make to get you to a better place?
• What changes did you make while married that you wish you hadn't?

Remember, divorce is just the current chapter in your life. It may be a very long chapter, but it will eventually come to an end. And another chapter will begin. That's what hope springs from and, despite all the challenges in divorce, you will get there. You will feel love again -- and have hope for your future. Being hopeful again will start to carry you down a path of renewed belief not just in yourself, but also in your future.

Hope carries us forward and through.

Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/feeling-optimistic-about_b_9512672

5 Steps That Will Help Bring Positive Change to Your Life

The beginning of a New Year is the perfect time to set new positive goals for the following months to come. If you made it through the first weeks of January just fine, congratulations! However, don't beat yourself down if you're already starting to abandon ship on your resolutions. According to Forbes, only 8% of people keep their New Year's resolution. As humans, we struggle to change our habits and ultimately become discouraged when we fail. So what can you do when you feel you can't stick to your goals? Figuring out where to start can be a real headache, but luckily we are here to help you get you back on your feet.

Self-actualization, or at least the desire for it, is a shared human necessity. The resolutions you make every year are a way to motivate yourself to become your very best self and fulfill your natural need for growth. However, for them to work, it is important to start off by applying small positive adjustments to your daily habits. It doesn't matter if you're looking to lose some weight, save more money, or eat more healthy. Psychologists agree any personal or professional change starts out by modifying your behavior. You might not see results overnight, but incremental lifestyle changes provide a greater chance of creating real improvement. So how can you begin making a positive transformation in your life?

1. Focus on what matters the most to you.
This works on anything from life in general to your career. Best-selling author Leo Babauta, creator of Zen Habits, writes in his article The Simplicity Cycle: Returning to Paring Down to Find Your True Needs his experience and knowledge on this topic. As we go through life, we welcome new passions and possessions. But according to Babauta, it is important we figure out which hobbies and objects are essential to us. Get rid of everything that is clutter and doesn't fall into that category. It's not a project you achieve in one day, he says, but rather a cycle that repeats over time.

2. Discover your strengths.
Doing this is not always easy, but it's worth the time to know what you're good at if you want to be the best version of yourself. Adam Grant, the author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, has an interesting approach when it comes to assessing our own talents. In his article A Better Way to Discover Your Strengths, he says it's not enough to just take a self-assessment quiz. Ask others to hold up a mirror for you by asking them of a time you were at your best. When you see your reflection through the eyes of others, you're going to see a clearer picture of your most unique talents.

3. Understand who you are.
Why do you do what you do? What is your purpose? In his article Finding Your Why: How to Discover Your Professional Purpose, Mel Carson, founder of Delightful Communications, shares his own story on how he discovered his and gives advice on how you can find yours. What makes you tick? What thrills you about what you do? Those are questions he wants you to ask yourself. Singling out the qualities that have always been important to you is the best way of identifying your current professional purpose.

4. Build positive habits.
Research agrees, creating new routines is the best way to bring change to your life. In his article How to Build a New Habit: This is Your Strategy Guide, writer, and entrepreneur James Clear maps out a simple guide to help you get started. What's important, he says, is to begin with small habit changes that are easy enough to do, and then gradually improve from there. This way your motivation increases along the way, as well as your willpower to stick to your new habits. Be consistent and patient. If you slip, what matters is that you get back on track quickly.

5. Incorporate the right routines.
Lolly Daskal, president and CEO of Lead From Within, gives out 12 Scientifically Proven Habits That Will Change Your Life for the better. We also have our own list of Habits of Successful Hospitality Leaders you can apply to your everyday life. From thinking positively to questioning your amygdala - that almond-shaped piece in the middle of your brain in charge of keeping you safe - these habits will definitely help you transform your life.

Remember, instead of setting hard or unrealistic resolutions at the beginning of every year, allow yourself the opportunity to reset your habits with every day that passes. Each day is a chance for a new beginning. This permits you the flexibility to figure out what does - and doesn't - work for you!

Source: https://www.hosco.com/en/advice/article/5-steps-that-will-help-bring-positive-change-to-your-life

5 Things You Need To Know About Happiness After Divorce

There’s no way around it: Your life is going to irrevocably change should you decide to go forward with your divorce.

How it changes is entirely up to you, though. Will splitting up be a springboard for a bold new start — or will divorce slow you down and make you feel like a lesser version of your former self?

On Monday, Redditors made a strong case for divorce as a catalyst for positive change, after a man on the cusp of separation came to the site’s divorce board looking for answers and advice.

“Is anyone out there happier a year after the divorce?” he asked. “Should I give [my wife a divorce] and enjoy what little time I will get with my children? Will I be happier without her in the long run?”

The divorced Redditors seemed to think so. Read five things divorcￃﾩs on the thread admitted about happiness after divorce, then head to the comments and tell us if you’re happier a year (or years) after your split.


1. You’ll certainly have rough days every now and then, but sadness won’t be your norm for long.

“My one-year-after divorce [anniversary] is only two weeks away and I can’t remember a time in my life that I have been happier. I have more confidence, I have a sense of inner peace, I am free to pursue my dreams, old and new, and I have found myself able to live every day for my own joy and happiness. I still have days when the darkness creeps in and it hurts, but happy days far outweighed the [dark days].” -kintsukuroisparrow


2. If you reclaim your happiness, you’ll be a better parent.

“I divorced in October of 2012. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, ever. I’ve also got two kids, ages 8 and 12, and was staying in it for them. I’m a much happier person and as a result a better father. If you’re miserable, your kids pick up on it. ‘Staying in it for the kids’ is only making everyone, including the kids, miserable.” -vbfronkis


3. You might not be happy about being a divorcee, but you’ll be happier in general.

“Happy I’m divorced? No. Happy I’m divorced from her? HELL YES.” -2stroker


4. You’ll likely have happier relations with your ex.
“For me, personally, hell yes I am happier. My ex and I get along so much better. Our communication has increased tenfold. There are no more emotions tied to our communication which helps. The power struggle, the fighting over stupid stuff, and irritation related to seeing each other every day and sharing the same space is gone. We get along like old friends. Is it perfect? No. But we found a way to make it work.” -feelingfroggy123


5. You have to choose happiness after divorce.

“The thing with life during and after divorce, in my opinion, is that it is what you make of it. You choose whether you wallow in it or rise above it. You choose how much you carry with you on a daily basis. You choose if you learn and grow or keep looking behind you. No one else has that power, not the ex, not the attorneys, not your friends or family, you, and only you, get to decide that.” -kintsukuroisparrow

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/25/life-after-divorce_n_5029684.html

Finding Happiness After Divorce isn’t a Possibility, it’s a PROBABILITY

Ask any newly separated man or woman if he or she thinks finding happiness after divorce is possible, and the answer you get will involve a grim outlook.

“Who knows?” they will might say with their head down, their eyes possibly filling with tears. “I haven’t thought that far ahead. I’m just thinking about how to survive RIGHT NOW I hope so.”

I think finding happiness after divorce is not a possibility, but rather a PROBABILITY, and I can say that because of the dozens of divorced men and women I have seen go from sad, weary, scared, frustrated, furious and depressed to happy, self-confident, strong and madly in love! Seriously.

I want to give an example, which happens to be my inspiration for this blog post. About a year ago, a ran into a friend of mine at the gym, and she told me she and her husband of 10 years were separating. They have two young kids. From what she said, my impression was that it was her husband’s decision. She teared up, and I felt sick about it because I just love this girl. It actually inspired me to write the blog, “12 things I wish someone would have told me when I was getting divorced.”

So, time goes on, and I continue to see her at the gym, always sad, always looking weary and defeated. It was a look that would make me want to cry. Yet, she kept going to the gym. In other words, she kept living her life.

We would talk every now and again, and she would tell me the usual divorce nightmare stories: she was worried about finances, she was scared she was going to be alone forever, she was worried about how her kids were going to handle this, she knew her husband was dating other women and was happy, etc. etc.

A few months ago, I happened to run into her soon-to-be ex, and I said hello. The first words out of his mouth were, “Yeah, everything’s great! I’ve lost 22 pounds!” he said, patting with pride what he thought was his six-pack. “I feel great!” Never asked how I was, how my kids were, and never said anything like, “Divorce is hard, I hope my kids will be okay,” etc. etc.

So, a few days ago, I ran into my friend. I hadn’t seen her in awhile, and I noticed she looked absolutely beautiful. And THIN! I told her so, and she smiled. “Thank you so much,” she said humbly. “I’ve lost 18 pounds.”

I asked how things were and she told me her kids were doing well, and that she changed jobs and loved her new position.

I then said to her, “You met someone, didn’t you?”

She turned bright red and said, “Oh my God! Yes! I did!!”

She met a man on a dating website who has two children and they are very happy. She said she’s not sure what’s going to happen, but right now, she’s just enjoying feeling loved and happy.

I hugged her and when I walked away, I felt like I could fly. Inspired beyond, but not surprised, as I see a story like my friend’s a lot.

But let me clarify, that it isn’t luck when it comes to finding happiness after divorce. The men and women I meet with a story like this are those who make good, selfless choices. Those who focus on their children, their career, and who do positive things to heal from their divorce. Instead of drinking, they workout, instead of playing the victim, they focus on fixing the problems they can control, and instead of wallowing in in sorrow and self-pity, they get off their butts and accept their new role. They get strong. They go out and make things happen to grab the life they want.

From all of those choices comes self-confidence, self-love and yes, eventually LOVE.
This girl reminds me of Cinderella, but the difference is, she was her own fairy Godmother. Happiness after divorce is PROBABLE for you, too!

Source: https://www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/finding-happiness-divorce-isnt-possibility-probability/

Starting Over After Divorce: How to Survive a Move to a New City

Starting over after divorce can be challenging, but starting over after a move to a new city and divorce is downright daunting.

Congratulations! Your divorce is settled and you’re officially in divorce recovery. It’s a dream come true for everyone: either the fantasy you hoped for or the nightmare you’ve dreaded. Win or lose, a new life looms ahead after divorce – new friends, new identity, and for some, a new home in a city far away from your old haunts.

Starting over after a move to a new city is daunting. “Move” is a four-letter word for a reason! It’s even trickier if you’re over 50, if the kids have left the roost, if your old job has evaporated and you’ll be looking for new employment, or if you’re newly retired, it takes courage and bravery to create a whole new life from scratch – especially after grey divorce. 
Be proud of yourself for embarking on this adventure.

Packing up and leaving has its own set of problems, but preparing yourself for the emotional challenge once you get to your new town is critical.

These tips will keep you sane while you make the transition in a new place. Keep this list handy in case you have to find a new therapist after your move to a new city.
Moving is hard. Yes, be excited about your new life – a fresh start is energizing – but be realistic, too. You’re making a major life transition.

Tips to Help You Survive Your Move to a New City

1. Be patient with yourself while you’re getting settled.
Beware of buyer’s remorse. Even though your marriage was miserable and untenable, it can start to look better – even desirable – when you’re desperately lonely and homesick after a move. Thoughts of “What was I thinking?” or “I miss my old Whole Foods Market” or “I’m all alone and no one cares” start to seep into your 3:00 a.m. gremlins. All of those thoughts are based in your fears and insecurities, and you’ll eventually get past them.

It takes time to start over. Plan accordingly. Be your own best friend for a while. It takes anywhere from six months to a year before people start including you on a regular basis. There may be a flurry of activity at first, as you’re the new person in town, but after a while it dies down and your social life gets quiet indeed.

You must learn to trust your decision to move. Give it two years before you judge it. By that time, you’ll be ensconced in your new place and you’ll have a hard time remembering the loneliness you felt at the start.

2. Don’t take it personally.

In his book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, author Don Miguel Ruiz tells us that the second agreement to yourself for life contentment is “Don’t Take It Personally”. I suggest you write this on a sticky note and put it on your bathroom mirror in your new digs – whether temporary or permanent. You’ll need it when these things happen (and they will):

• Old friends don’t email you.
• New friends don’t invite you to join them.
• No one offers to help you.
• The business contacts you counted on don’t come through.
• Your neighbors don’t welcome you.
• The people who are “the reason you moved there” don’t get in touch.
• Your own kids are too busy to see you.

3. Be proud: it took real courage to move to a new city after your divorce.

People live busy lives, just as you did before you moved. Most of them don’t have a clue what it’s like to pick up sticks and start all over again, particularly after 50, 60, 70 or even 90! They don’t have the sheer guts you had to make your move. Be proud of what you’ve done. At the same time, understand that every locale has a dedicated following and its inhabitants think it’s the best place on earth. Smile when they tell you that Daisy’s Diner has the best fried chicken you’ll ever taste. Never mind that you’ve just moved from Atlanta where fried chicken is an art.

You’ve Made Your Move. Now What?

1. Keep a journal. Write at least one short paragraph each morning while you sip your sunrise java. Your journal will become your best friend. You’ll be able to trace your growth in your new town, and soon you’ll look back, chortle to yourself, and say, “I’m so far past that, now!” It’s nice to have a gauge.
2. Expect your circle of friends to change. I tell my clients who relocate after divorce this truth: The people you meet when you first move are available to be your friends for a reason. In other words, the neediest people always surface at first. This is not always the case, but it frequently happens. It takes a while to discover the solid folks because they have a life. You will discover them, however. Have faith.
3. Say yes to every invitation once. Unless the group violates your personal principles, accept every invitation you get, at least one time. I know it’s hard. I know it’s a killer to have to walk in to the event alone. I know you hate strolling up to strangers and making small talk. I know you will spend the day prior saying, “I do not want to go to this.” Suck it up and do it anyway. You’ll meet at least one person you find interesting. At the very least, you’ll know what you don’t want to do. At the best, you may discover a whole new support community.
4. Know that the newness will end. Your decision to move was the right one. Yes, there are some hurdles, but nothing you can’t handle.

After a Move to a New City, You’re Free to be Your True Self

The primary reason that you relocated is still true: you can start over as a new person. You have a blank white canvas in front of you, and you can paint in any colors for your new life that you’d like. These people don’t know you, so you’re finally free to be your true self that your marriage wouldn’t allow.

Here’s my best divorce advice about moving to a new city after divorce:

1. Let go of expectations that new acquaintances will turn into BFFs immediately.
2. Don’t take it personally when you don’t get holiday invitations the first year.
3. Be your own best friend and explore your new home.
4. Go into it all with eyes wide open.

Before you know it, you’ll be a townie yourself, and you’ll be saying, “I can’t believe I’ve lived here for five years!”

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/starting-over-after-divorce-how-to-survive-a-move-to-a-new-city/

After Divorce: 8 Tips for Reinventing Yourself

8 ideas to help you shape your post-divorce life.

It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.

Everyone's divorce story is different. Maybe you had been married for decades, maybe just a year or so. Maybe you have children, maybe you don't. Maybe the divorce was your idea and maybe it was your partner's, or maybe you both agreed that separation was best. Maybe you're relieved, maybe you're heartbroken -- or a bit of both.

But however you got here, the question now is where do you go from here? And how do you figure out who you are and what you want as a newly single person? What is your new life going to look like, and how do you start moving in that direction?

Here are eight of the first steps:

1. Let yourself mourn.
Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss.

"Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief," says psychotherapist Florence Falk, PhD, MSW, author of On My Own: The Art of Being a Woman Alone.

"You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for them," Falk says. "Loss is loss. There is an empty space where something once filled it up, even if that something may not have been desirable."

2. Work through your feelings.
Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage, advises psychologist Robert Alberti, PhD, co-author of Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends.
That may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they'll pollute your life going forward," Alberti says.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy, you might want to keep in mind that therapy doesn't mean you have a problem or that you're in crisis. It can be a way to work toward a better life, with someone who has no agenda but YOU.

3. Learn to like yourself.
That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

"You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn't make this relationship work," Alberti says. "You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth."

This is also something you could pursue in therapy, or through Tip No. 4:

4. Rediscover who you used to be.
Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your "couplehood."

Maybe you loved to go out, but your spouse was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater but your husband hated it.

"What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Alberti asks. "Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself."

5. Discover a new side of yourself.
The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle.

Maybe it's as simple as a pixie haircut after a lifetime of wearing long, flowing locks. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that you'd like to move to a new city or even spend a year living in Paris.

Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce).

But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make every change.

"As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate," says Alberti. "Think about who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new person? What are some of the things you can do differently?"
Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on what's out of reach.

6. Dare to be alone.
Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so.

Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball.

"There are more than 30 million people living alone in this country today," Falk says. "That's a lot of people, and there are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."

7. Consider transitional relationships.
This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type -- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

"For example, maybe you've always dated people from a certain socioeconomic background," Alberti says. "Or perhaps you always preferred sensitive musicians, or athletes, or the quiet, shy type. Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit."

8. Embrace your new roles.
Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK.

"If your partner was always the one responsible for the money -- earning it, managing it, investing it -- suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility," Alberti says. "Dealing with those can give you confidence in your own ability."

You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help.

"Even if you make mistakes, like paying too much for a car, you can learn from that experience," Alberti says. "Mistakes give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."

Source: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce#1

Divorce Is Your New Beginning

Just as a brand new year is upon you, after divorce you have a new life in front of you.

It’s true that you may be overwhelmed, stressed, sad, frustrated, excited, enthusiastic, full of anticipation... or all of the above.

There are some powerful ways to make the most of your new life and this new year, and I’m sharing several of them with you here:

1. Put out a BOLO.
It can be easy and/or tempting to dread what could come next. I mean, seriously, you’ve just been through quite an ordeal and it’s a challenge to put on some rose-colored glasses. I get it.

Instead, try expecting positive things to happen. BOLO is police slang for “be on the lookout,” as in “we put out a BOLO for the suspicious character.” I suggest choosing to put out BOLOs for miracles, magical happenings and positive outcomes.

2. Work it out.
Release the heavy baggage from your previous relationship and lean into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the end of your marriage by talking out your feelings with a therapist, divorce coach or support group, and focusing your energy on a healthy activity you enjoy.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy or coaching, you might want to keep in mind that neither means you have a problem, something is wrong with you, or that you’re in crisis. Each can be a way to work toward your new and better life, with those who have no agenda but the agenda you set!

3. Learn to love yourself.
The idea of loving yourself may sound cheesy or ridiculous, and it’s a fact that many people feel a dip in self-esteem and lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

If you think there must be something wrong with you because you couldn’t make your relationship work, you’re not alone. It’s important to work on increasing your self-confidence and faith in yourself, and recognize you’re just fine and on the way to getting better and better.

Let this time, and this year, be the year you really fall in love with yourself.

4. Rediscover who you used to be, and discover who you want to become.
If you were married for a long time, you may have stopped doing some of the things you enjoyed as a single person. Maybe you loved to go out, but your wife was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater, but your husband hated it.

Make a list of the hobbies and interests you had before your marriage, and give them another whirl. You might find renewed interest in them again, or even discover new ones you like better. Both are important to rebuilding yourself after divorce.

5. Discover your new self.
The great news about a life-changing period such as divorce is this: you get to shake things up and try new things, go new places, and meet new people.
Get a new haircut, wardrobe, or occupation. Try new sports, places of worship, or go back to school. You might even be able to move to a new city, or spend a year living somewhere amazing like Paris or Tuscany.

You can’t completely just lose your mind, turn your back on real-life obligations, and throw caution to the wind (although that sounds fun and exciting, doesn’t it?). Chances are you have some very real considerations like kids, a business, and a budget {one that may have been seriously impacted by the divorce}.

I’m going to bet there are some real changes and opportunities that are well within your reach. As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, go for it!

6. Go it alone. For at least awhile.
Being alone doesn’t mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being in a rush to get re-coupled up.

Many newly-singled folks jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Without taking the time to get to know yourself again, heal your wounds, and find your new equilibrium, you run of the risk of finding yourself right back here {on the other side of a divorce or break-up} in short order.

Take the time it takes to find yourself again.

7. Meet new people ... of the opposite sex.
Just because you need to spend some time alone doesn’t mean you need to spend all your time alone.

This isn’t about rebounding. It’s about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone {try someone who’s not your type} without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit. Dating is supposed to be, and can be, loads of fun.

8. Embrace your new life, and this new year.
You are going to have the opportunity to learn new things, go new places, and meet new friends.

Married a long time? Your spouse probably handled certain aspects of life and even household responsibilities. Now it’s all up to you, and it’s likely to go less than perfectly. News flash: that’s a-okay!

If your partner was always the one responsible for the money, such as earning it, managing it, investing it, then suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility. Learning something new can give you confidence in your own ability.

You don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Create a team to help you make smart decisions and wise moves. If you don’t have a financial advisor and CPA, start there. Find new advisors or rely on the ones who have served you well in the past.

Divorce, like every new year, brings with it the opportunity for amazing personal growth and transformation - it is just disguised as an awful period of time that seems to last forever. 
Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and expected unexpected moments of fabulousness.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/honoree-corder/divorce-is-your-new-beginning_b_6425062.html

Rebuilding Life after Divorce

For divorced men, the reality is painful emotionally, physically, financially, and just about any angle you can look at it. It’s simply an unpleasant experience. To rebuild from it or from anything, the anger needs to subside, whatever humor to be found needs to be brought forth, and a renewed spirit developed.

At the same time as rebuilding begins, there needs to be an emphasis placed upon not regressing to less- developed former states. Many men in this situation fall back to a younger adult mentality of late night partying and ill-advised romantic involvements. Instead, focus on using the experience to emerge wiser and more prepared for what is next in life. Remaining stagnate or regressing are traps that usually lead to even more heartache.

There is hope for life after divorce. Divorced men can experience less trauma and create positive growth. There are ways to rebuild life and be a better parent. Here’s how:

Make Time to Grieve

The shattered dreams, the broken vows, and the reality of starting over all cause severe emotion. Shoving that emotion down and not releasing it will cause further damage in every case. Most do not realize the destructive paths they are going down until a lot of carnage is behind them. All the stages of grief come with divorce: shock, denial, anger, and acceptance. But for men, in particular, there can be a deep sense of personal failure. Finding trusted people to share these emotions with is highly recommended. That could be a clergy person, a counselor or just a wise and sincere friend or small group. As you move into this major life transition, being emotionally unstable is not beneficial to your cause. Address your grief.

Regain Individual Identity
Marriage is about partnership and teamwork, and now you find yourself on your own. It’s time to regain your individual identity and figure out what are the things that make life work well for you. It’s important to learn to respect yourself and feel worthy again. Hone the character traits and abilities you possess that lead to positive results in your life, and critically figure out the ones that contributed to the lack of success. Doing these things will enable us to better understand what we need and expect from the next relationship. Most of all, learn to pray with sincerity and purpose. God has not and will not leave your side.

Build a Network of Friends

Just because you’re single now, life after divorce doesn’t have to be lonely. Divorce will wreak havoc on some of your current friendships, but gracefully accept that and retain the ones that reach out to you. Moving forward, carefully work to make new friends in similar situations with similar goals. This is the area that is most vulnerable to regression. It’s certainly expected to have an active and enjoyable social life, but craft it with great care.

Prudent Financial Planning

You have enough stress from the divorce already. Accumulating mass amounts of debt will make life much more miserable as you transition. Alimony and child support are going to force serious restructuring. Doing so bitterly is going to send trauma throughout the entire family unit, especially landing right in the heart of your children. They will feel unwanted and as if they are burdens, when what they need more than anything at the moment is lots of reassurance that dad is still going to be there for them. Make the hard decisions and necessary cuts. It’s going to painful, but you’ll come out of it one day much better off.

Make a Goals Bucket List
Starting over requires deciding what are the things most important to you. Make a bucket list of goals you wish to achieve in this new direction in life. A better version of the man you already are. A better and wiser parent. Be a man that prepares himself for the best chance at happiness and success. Try and feel new things.

Source: https://www.allprodad.com/rebuilding-life-after-divorce/