How to Let Go of Anger After Divorce

You know that feeling — the one where your heartbeat quickens and your head starts to pound. Your throat starts to close and it takes all the strength you have to keep from screaming at something that your ex said or did.

Anger. Being ticked off. Feeling rage.

While anger is a natural emotion, learning how to manage it as you navigate divorce is crucial to moving on and taking your life back. Although it takes time, the following advice will get you started on the road to recovery.

Anger is a thief. Don’t let it rob you of your chance to move on and be the person you have always wanted to be.

You work hard to maintain the things you love. You keep your house nice and cozy, and you probably have homeowner’s insurance. Your beloved heirlooms and mementos are probably tucked away with the greatest of love and care.

You wouldn’t leave your door unlocked and invite a thief in to destroy those things in your home that you love, would you?

Heck no!

So, why on earth are you leaving the door to your life and the door to your happiness, inviting anger in on a daily basis? Just as a thief will break into your home, wreck it, and take away everything that is dear to you, so will anger.

It’s time to lock the door. It is time to protect one of the most precious things that anger will rob you of: your happiness and chance to heal.

Anger = your reaction to other people’s silliness trying to control you. Why let it?

When you are angry at something, the body lets you know. Your blood pressure, breathing, and heart rate increase because your adrenal glands are being set into “fight or flight” mode.

This physiological reaction may have served cavemen and cavewomen when it was time to fight off whatever prehistoric beast threatened their survival, but the same anger that disrupts your calm and will only keep you from moving on.

The fact that your ex didn’t treat you right, the fact that the marriage is ending or has ended, and the fact that the ex and their lawyers may still be doing stupid shit is just that. They are only facts, but they are not indicators of how you must react.

How you choose to react to the problem — in this case how you choose to react to the facts (the events that are making you angry), is what makes the difference between navigating this process with less drama and stress for yourself, or letting all the madness drag you down and leave you exhausted.

You’re better than getting pissed off at something that you cannot control in the first place. It’s time to focus on the things you actually can control.

If it does not serve you, then let it go.

Some years ago, I was sweating my tail off in a hot yoga class, frustrated that I could not get into a back bend, I heard the yoga teacher say, “If it does not serve you, then let it go.”

Although the yoga teacher probably meant it for the students to be kind and patient with themselves, those words stuck.

It wasn’t about being upset about not being flexible enough during that moment in time.

It was about not letting the fact we were inflexible cloud our ability to just be and move on.

It was about understanding that if a negative emotion was not going to improve our lives, then we needed to show it the door. There is no place for anger holding us hostage.

Beating the Anger Exercise

The next time you start to get angry about the divorce drama, do the following.

1. Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths.
2. Remember that whatever BS is coming your way does not have the power to make you made.
3. Remember that if the anger is not contributing to your well-being, then breathe that negativity out.
4. Inhale in the fresh air and focus on the beautiful life and calm that will be your guide.
5. Carry on, because you have way too many awesome things going on to waste your precious emotional energy on anything toxic.

Learning to let go of anger after divorce can be a long process. But with patience and being kind to yourself and mindful, you will navigate it and take your life back in no time.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-anger-after-divorce/

The Reality of Conscious Uncoupling

According to the MacMillonDictionary.com, “consciously uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.” The couple makes a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It is a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.

The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to. The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce. The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. Its mockery by journalists, however, has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.

Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title. Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. Science, however, tells us that this rarely happens.

The Reality of Breaking Up
Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret.

One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that it was a mistake. The initiator stays quiet and processes their feelings on their own. Uncoupling most often begins way before someone actually initiates a break-up.
Instead of directly communicating thoughts and feelings with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviours:

• The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to "fix" their partner who is frequently clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
• The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
• The initiator makes important changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
• The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten. Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
• The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
• The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
• The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer, or a therapist. It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.

Daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create major barriers to separation.

The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and rather “unconscious” way. Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to communicate their intense dissatisfaction with the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.

The Facts
This is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It is strictly based on the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner rather than later if one or both are unhappy in their relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reality-of-conscious-uncoupling-2302142?_ga=2.154070392.1762300026.1542279005-385261421.1530257903

Coping with Divorce-Related Anger

Rose was so mad she could hardly see straight. She and her husband, Jim, were six months into their "trial separation" when she discovered that he had been dating someone else. Reeling from the impact of the painful news, she sped over to his new apartment, intent on learning every last detail about the new woman in his life. Her heart pounded and terrifying questions flashed through her mind as she drove: "How could he have lied to me? Who was this other woman? Was she attractive?" And, perhaps worst of all, "What was I thinking when I suggested that we should separate?"

At Jim's apartment, a deep and uncontrollable rage rose up inside Rose's chest as she pounded her fist again and again on the dining-room table. "How could you do this to me?" she cried, as Jim sat and watched, white-faced and speechless as the breakfast dishes flew off the table and smashed into pieces on the floor. He had no idea how to react – or how to begin to defuse the scene that was unfolding in front of him...

Anger is a very familiar emotion for all of us. And in healthy relationships, it can be an overwhelmingly positive force in our lives. “Healthy anger can tell us if there’s something wrong – something painful and threatening that we need to take care of,” says Dr. M. Chet Mirman (Ph.D.), a licensed clinical psychologist at The Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago. “It helps us protect ourselves, and lets us know when people are crossing our boundaries.”

But for couples who are going through separation or divorce, anger is often anything but healthy. When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s often used as a misguided means of hanging on to a failed marriage; for some people, a bad relationship is better than no relationship at all. Divorce anger allows someone to punish his/her ex while maintaining an ongoing (bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a situation that leaves both partners in divorce limbo: a perilous situation that obstructs growth and self-awareness.

Some people hold onto their anger so tightly that their rage takes over their whole lives, coloring and informing all their thoughts and actions. They weigh every action to see how much emotional or physical harm it will inflict on their ex-spouse – even simply being a nuisance will do in a pinch – without seeing the injuries they may be inflicting on innocent victims.

Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – causing you to say and do things you'd never dream of if you were thinking clearly. Even though it's a normal part of the healing process, anger can become a destructive force in your life. Here's how to cope.

Divorce anger is also often expressed through the legal process itself. It’s very important to remember that your lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or best friend. Expressing anger to your ex-spouse through the legal process invariably leads to prolonged, emotional proceedings that will ultimately leave you – and the family resources – drained dry.

Using the court as a venue to vent your anger is a bad idea for a couple of key reasons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very expensive (financially and emotionally). Unfortunately, the legal divorce process itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger. Dividing property (some of which has great sentimental value) and trying to prove your case for custody and/or support can be very emotionally charged because these issues underline what is being lost or changed because of your divorce. Some degree of upset is inevitable, but driving yourself alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So how can you cope with divorce-related anger? The key lies in understanding its roots, and in finding constructive ways to express the hurt, disappointment, and loss that both you and your former spouse are feeling now as you proceed through separation and divorce. “Anger can really be a very healthy and positive tool, but if we use it destructively, all we do is scare people and alienate them,” stresses Dr. Andrea Brandt (Ph.D. M.F.T.), the author of Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom (W. W. Norton & Company, 2014). “People have to learn to have anger work for them, not against them.”

Here’s some advice about coping with your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-related anger.

If You are Angry

• Write it out. Work through your anger by keeping a journal or by writing letters you don’t mail, suggests Dr. Brandt.
• Shout it out. “If you can roll up the windows in your car or put your head in a pillow and scream, it can drain some of that negative energy out of your body,” she adds.
• Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry to develop your own personal support system. Instead of directing your anger at your ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or find a therapist who specializes in anger management.
• Get some professional help. “Remember, anger acts as a shield. Your anger suppresses other vulnerable feelings that may be too hard to deal with. It’s easier to feel angry than to feel lost, confused, and worried,” says Dr. Mirman. “Talking to a professional can help you begin to feel those emotions you’ve been suppressing and move past the anger.” You could also benefit from a support or anger-management group where you can share your story and develop greater self-awareness around you anger.
• Re-examine your “core beliefs.” Anger can be based on something that you observed or were told in early childhood, and that you grew up believing. Ask yourself if that belief is actually true, and if it’s still serving you well.
• Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in which both partners were exactly equal in the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an even rarer couple in which one partner was solely at fault,” notes Dr. Ahrons.
• Do some personal growth work. Your anger can help you identify old patterns, and then you can take the steps to stop repeating them.
• Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to understand your anger – and what triggers it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to say that you need some time to think about your response.
• Protect your children. Never make them part of your conflict with your former partner by withholding visitation or support or poisoning their minds against your ex. “For the sake of the children, if for no other reason, learn constructive methods of expressing anger,” Dr. Ahrons says.
• Keep conflicts at a moderate level, and choose your battles carefully. Expressing every little irritation and disagreement provokes resentment. Think about the most important issues – and let go of the small stuff.
• Use “I-messages” when expressing anger. Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always late!”
• Give yourself time to recover from the loss of your marriage . On average, experts say that the healing process takes about two years. “It’s important to realize how sad you are,” says Dr. Ahrons. “This won’t necessarily make you more vulnerable to your ex-spouse; your successful handling of your emotions puts you in a more powerful position.”
• Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can become a comfort, a constant in our lives, but as long as you continue to nurse your anger against your ex, you will never have a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own your responsibility for the break-up, and realize that you have the power to make the choice to forgive and move on, or stay angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t matter what your ex does, you can still choose forgiveness.

If your Ex is Angry

• Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’s comments. Your ex may be feeling like he/she isn’t being heard; by really listening to his or her concerns, you may realize where the anger is coming from and identify what you can do to help.
• Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk away from an angry attack if you can’t handle it. Say, “I think we need to take a break and continue this conversation when we’re both calm.” Put limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be treated.
• Get some assertiveness training to boost your self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that must be burned up into the ashes of forgiveness,” writes Dr. Ahrons. “If we are passive, it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
• Defuse the situation . Try agreeing or sympathizing with your ex whenever possible. When you agree or offer a genuine apology, it tends to quiet people down pretty quickly. You’re not feeding the flames, so the anger usually starts to burn itself out.
• Try not to take your ex-spouse’s comments too personally. Anger is a projection of your ex’s inner feelings; accept that he/she is angry because he/she is going through turmoil right now.
• Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the anger. Relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, can be effective when you’re listening to someone who’s really angry. A mantra can be helpful, too, adds Dr. Brandt. “If I’m speaking with someone who’s really angry at me, I’ll always say silently to myself, ‘This is good for our relationship.’”
• Learn to recognize your own hot buttons. When someone pushes one of your buttons, your response is going to be way out of proportion to the offense. Instead, try thinking of you ex’s angry words as simple information rather than an attack.
• Try to feel a little compassion – no matter how hard that may be. Your ex may be feeling fearful that they’ll be alone forever or that they’ll never see their kids again. Try to hear what’s beneath the anger; quite often, it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy or compassion for your ex can go a long way to defusing his or her anger.
• Be honest with yourself. Recognize that when someone is angry with you, there may be something in what they’re saying. “Very often, you might hear something that’s really valuable,” says Dr. Brandt. If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the dirt and rocks.
• Value your safety above all else. If your former partner’s divorce anger seems to be headed in a dangerous direction, put some boundaries in place and communicate through a third party. Threats should always be taken seriously: remove yourself from the situation and refuse face-to-face contact if you sense any danger at all.

Source:  http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/coping-with-divorce-related-anger

8 Simple Rules When Divorcing a Narcissist

Whether you’ve been married for five days or 50 years, it’s hard to imagine the person you’re divorcing today is the same person to whom you once pledged your eternal and undying love. As the saying goes, the very traits that caused you to fall in love with a person are the same traits that caused you to fall out of love at the end of the relationship. The legal, financial, and emotional uncoupling gets even more complicated when you’re tangled up with a narcissist. Divorcing someone with narcissistic personality disorder or even narcissistic features can be a long, drawn-out and arduous affair (no pun intended) if you allow yourself to get sucked into their vortex. Here are 8 healthy and sane steps you can take to divorce on your terms, not theirs.

#1. Determine If Your Ex is a Narcissist.
Your ex can be arrogant, heartless, mean-spirited or an egomaniac, but that doesn’t necessarily make him or her a narcissist. Narcissists are notable for lacking empathy and accepting no responsibility - not even a little bit. People who lack empathy don’t feel sorry for the kitten they ran over, or for the family that is now mourning the loss of its pet, or even for the child who witnessed the accident; they will blame the family for letting its kitten roam the neighborhood, the kitten for not getting out of the way, or they might even chastise the family for the inconvenience of needing to rinse the road kill off their wheels.

Now imagine asking the person who is at the center of his or her own universe for a divorce. Are they going to have any insight to care at all about what brought this on, or what behaviors of theirs led you to this decision? Probably not. Are they going to work with you to co-parent the children and make the children feel safe and secure with the changes and uncertainty in their lives? Probably not. Even if they cheated on you, they will blame you for making them cheat. Even if they physically or emotionally assaulted you, you’re the one who made them do it. They will portray themselves as the victim; they will try to make you pay.

Once you determine and accept the fact that you are dealing with a narcissist, your guard must be up and you must accept that they will be extraordinarily difficult to deal with in a divorce no matter whether it is a child at stake or the steak knives. You can kill them with kindness and they still will go after you.

#2. Save Rational Thoughts for The Right Audience.

Bringing rational thoughts into any conversation with a narcissist is like bringing a squirt gun to a knife fight. Rational thoughts are to the narcissist what vegetables are to a toddler, feed them as much as you want, they will just spit it out. As much as the toddler wants ice cream and will throw a tantrum to get it, the narcissist doesn’t want to hear you, they just want to win. They want vindication to show the world they were right! Their tantrums come in the form of deflections, designed to keep you off balance, distracted, and in defensive mode. You can state, “I want primary custody of the kids because you abuse alcohol.” The narcissist will reply, “I can’t trust you with the kids because you slept with our son’s soccer coach.” While you’re expending energy explaining that you never met the soccer coach and his accusation says nothing about your ability to parent, it’s too late, you’ve already taken the bait and are discussing his or her preferred topic (your inability to parent) versus yours (his or her ability to parent).

Instead of arguing with your ex, calmly and rationally talk to your lawyer and let them speak on your behalf. Which brings up the next point…

#3. Hire a Divorce Attorney That Specializes in Narcissists.

If you own a Tesla electric car, you’re not going to take it to a mechanic that specializes in combustion engines. The same logic applies to legal representation, not all divorce attorneys are created equal. Some are good negotiators. Others are loudmouthed, aggressive sharks. But it takes someone who’s well versed in the tactics that narcissists use in court to create a strategy that keeps your divorce and especially custody proceedings moving through the legal process.

#4. Know the Road Ahead.

If you have children, you will need to convince a variety of people, each with their own agendas and biases, that you are the parent best equipped to care for your children. Your audiences include counselors, therapists, and judges. At each step, the narcissist will try to prove you’re unbalanced, incompetent, and a threat to your children. Remember the old movie “Gaslight?” If you react emotionally to any accusation during these proceedings, no matter now ludicrous, you’re playing into the image of you they’ve manufactured. Expect the unexpected and the worst behavior from your ex and you can’t be knocked off balance or surprised.

#5. Document. Save. File. Share.

It’s relatively easy for an ex to edit a text message, e-mail, or voicemail you‘ve left before sending it to their attorney as evidence against you. The only way to counter their claims is by providing the original message that was sent – this includes screen shots from your phone, “sent messages” from your e-mail outbox, and audio recordings of everything you tell them. The best way of keeping track of this is by minimizing communication with your ex and avoiding all possibilities of him or her provoking you, such as the PTA meeting where witnesses can recall what you do and do not say.

If you see proof of their bad judgment, aggressive behavior, or abuse on social media; capture it before you file for divorce, otherwise your ex can delete the offending posts, or their accounts, in a matter of seconds.

#6. Have a Plan, Stick to It.

Your plan is to reasonably divide your assets and responsibilities so that you and your children can move forward with your lives. For your children, this plan probably includes time with your ex even if your ex is a first-class narcissist. For you, it includes as little as contact with your ex as possible. But the narcissist sees things differently. For them, its win or lose; all for them, none for you. Any allowance you’re given is seen as a personal defeat, so they will spare any expense to keep you from your goals. Even if they invest $50k in legal fees to keep you from getting a $25k car, and you still get the car, they will feel justified in their actions because they can blame the unfair judge and take no ownership in the final decision. In fact, the judge’s decision might fuel their martyr complex for years to come, which is a victory for the narcissist. As part of your plan, know what you’re willing to give up, but demand that everything gets divided equally when you first discuss settlement so the narcissist feels he or she denied you something you really wanted, when it was actually a concession any rational person would have made on Day #1.

#7. Circle the Wagons.
In the Wild West, a caravan could best defend all members against an attack by circling the wagons and fighting from all sides. When divorcing a narcissist, you can expect to be hit from all angles, and blindsided when you least expect it. By surrounding yourself with close family members, friends, and counselors, you won’t need to battle your ex alone.

#8. Forgive Yourself.

Coming back to where we began, it is hard to imagine why you ever married a narcissist. Well, forgive yourself. Narcissists, by nature, want to win at all costs. During your courtship, you were the prize – so he or she likely piled on the charm, the romance, the sex, and the affirmation to claim you as their own and prevent others from being with you. In fact, his or her confident, charming, can-do, “always close the sale” attitude might be part of what attracted you to him or her in the first place. It’s after the sale is made, the deal is done, the validation of winning your love has been given, that the narcissist changes – and often turns their attentions to other prizes and goals (from job promotions and gambling to sports cars and lovers). This cold and calculated shift will eventually lead you to asking for a divorce. It’s okay, you didn’t see it coming this time – but now you know what narcissistic behaviors to look out for next time if and when you’re ready to find a new and worthier partner.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/8-simple-rules-when-divorcing-a-narcissist_us_5a31c967e4b0b73dde46aa0a