Whether the divorce was your idea or your spouse’s, most people find themselves experiencing negative emotions when their ex-spouse starts dating again. Does this mean you still love them? Are these feelings normal? These are common questions you may ask yourself when your ex-spouse starts dating again.
Here are six tips that will help you process those negative emotions.
Your Feelings Are Perfectly Normal
You spent a large part of your life with this person, and during the years you were together, dating and married, you came to think of that person as YOUR significant other.
You two were a couple and to see your spouse with someone else will trigger feelings in you that may be surprising and unpleasant.
It does not mean you are still in love but rather you are witnessing the evidence that your spouse now has someone else in the place you used to fill. Though you may not understand the feelings you are having, they are a natural part of moving on after a divorce. When you meet someone new, you will have a better perspective on how your ex is feeling about you and the relationship you both once had.
You Should Expect to Feel Jealous
Most people are puzzled as to why they are jealous of someone they didn’t want in their life any longer. It’s a common reaction. This was YOUR husband or YOUR wife, you expected fidelity, and now it may feel like cheating to see them with someone else.
Remember what you think and what you feel can sometimes be at odds, but it’s perfectly normal to feel some jealousy and even look for things to criticize in your ex’s new partner.
And, if you've not moved on to a new relationship of your own, your jealousy may stem from the mere fact that they have.
Remember the Reasons You Divorced
Divorce is not entered into lightly, and you probably have valid reasons for the divorce. Keeping this in mind will help you to accept the changes that have come as a result and the confusing feelings you are having over your ex dating again.
Every time you experience a negative reaction to your ex dating, stop and go through the list of reasons you are no longer married. Remembering the negative aspects of your marriage can go a long way in helping alleviate any the unpleasant idea of him/her dating again.
Move Forward in Your Life
Is it possible you are uncomfortable with the idea of your ex dating because you are stuck and unable to move forward with your life?
I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, “The best revenge is living well.” Well, it’s true! If you are feeling jealous, the last thing you want is for your ex to know. Instead of focusing on what he/she is doing, focus on living the best life you can and before you know it, you won’t be concerned with whether or not your ex is dating.
No Two Relationships Are the Same
The relationship that you had with your ex will never be reproduced with anyone else. Each relationship between two people is different, and what you had together during your marriage will never be reproduced with someone else.
The special things you had together were unique to the two of you. So, when you feel jealousy or discomfort over your ex dating, remember that no one can really take the same place in your ex’s life that you had.
So, keep in mind how unique you are and that you will also have someone new to share your life with one day.
Remember That Your Ex Deserves to Be Happy
No matter how much conflict you lived through during the divorce process, if you search your heart, you really don’t want your ex to not move forward. You also don’t want to stay stuck yourself. You really don’t want him/her to be miserable. Letting go is a process, and it may take you some time and effort to get there.
The time will come when you are happy again. More than likely, with a new partner. When that time comes you aren't going to waste time worrying about who your ex is with. Why not start not worrying about that now, instead of later?
Seeing your ex-spouse with someone else can be a shocking experience, but ultimately you will come to accept it, just as your ex will have to adjust to seeing new people in your life.
Concentrate on the good memories you had and the good times to come.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/tips-to-help-you-process-emotions-when-your-ex-starts-dating-1103124
You know that moment. Some of us know it all too well during and after divorce. The moment when one of your grown children, after spending the weekend with your ex, tells you about the “new friend” who is at your ex’s house. Or when you hear about the trip your ex is taking to Europe while you’re struggling to make ends meet.
Ah, jealousy.
The Green Eyed Monster that consumes us, when what we should really be doing is focusing on our own divorce recovery.
You’re not alone when it comes to dealing with jealousy, especially after a divorce. And I have to share with you two very ugly truths about this emotion.
Jealousy is selfish.
Have you ever known someone in your life who was always “me me me” and never bothered to ask you about your day, or your hopes and dreams? Well, jealousy is like that person, because it’s a barrier that causes you to worry about something (your ex’s new life) that you have no control over.
And instead of focusing on yourself, jealously is there telling you, “Oh, look at their wonderful life! Oh, look at all the amazing things they’re doing!”
What benefit is there to focusing your energy on what the other person is doing? What benefit is there to thinking about how good your ex has it, when you feel like you were screwed over?
You already know the answer. Being jealous has no benefit. So why is it still something that we can’t seem to shake while trying to move on from divorce?
The truth hurts and you’re about to learn why.
Jealousy is also lazy.
You know what’s easier than working on yourself? Sitting there, stewing over about how much better your ex has it.
One of the many reasons that jealousy brings out the worst in us is because it diverts attention away from putting ourselves first. And instead of doing the hard work of focusing on how we can move on, jealousy leads us astray, by taking the easy road of being reactive about things beyond our control. And while you’re worrying about that, you waste precious time that could be spent focusing on the most important thing — YOU. It’s easier to say, “Oh, it should be ME taking that vacation instead of my ex”, rather than focusing on your own finances and schedule, so you can plan a vacation that fits your lifestyle and budget. It’s easier to say, “That jerk already has a new partner! It’s not fair!” than starting to take care of yourself, learning how to plan for your own future, and focusing on getting out of your rut and getting your life back on track.
See what I mean? Jealousy is sapping you of your energy to move on. It’s a lot easier to remain bitter over something you can’t control than it is to be responsible for your own happiness and moving ahead under your terms.
But I am jealous! So what am I supposed to do?!
I know, I know… you’re human and you may be hurting, especially if your marriage lasted decades. But there’s something you can do about it.
Exercise: Turn your jealousy into productivity.
The next time you’re feeling jealous about whatever your ex is doing, or anything going on in your life for that matter, do the following.
- Pinpoint exactly what is making you jealous. These are your jealousy triggers.
“I heard from my son that his father is going to Europe in the fall with his new girlfriend, and I’m here having trouble paying rent. What the hell?”
- Dig deeper. What is it exactly that you’re jealous of? List it, and be honest with yourself. Jealousy rarely has anything to do with the other person. It has everything to with what you’re doing and how you’re thinking about yourself. It is an emotion that has no power when you are being mindful and proactive with your own life.
“I am jealous because I am hurt. I feel hurt because we never did anything fun or adventurous or travel in our relationship and I feel left out. I am also jealous because, financially, I feel like I cannot treat myself.”
- Ask yourself what you can do instead. How can you divert that energy you are spending being jealous into something actionable for you?
“My feelings are hurt and maybe I can’t fix that pain myself. The next time I am triggered, perhaps I can reach out to friends or family for support, or instead direct that energy into doing an activity that I like to do. As far as finances go… sure, I can’t go anywhere exotic right now. But I can start looking at my finances and budget, and maybe start planning a getaway or a nice trip for myself that is within my budget.”
How about you? Do you struggle with jealousy? And what actions can you take to overcome it?
Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/divorce-recovery-dealing-with-jealousy/
