10 Ways to Prevent a Divorce From Ruining Your Finances

Here’s how to protect your money when your marriage is falling apart.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't the only people getting a divorce. Plenty of Americans go through the process each year of dissolving their marriages, splitting their assets and making custodial arrangements for their children. While every divorce situation is unique, separating spouses should do the following 10 things to up their odds of coming out of the proceedings on financially stable ground.

Take stock of your marital assets, but don't move them. Ideally, both spouses should already have a firm grasp of account balances and the value of joint assets. But if not, now is the time to review old bank statements and inventory safe deposit boxes to ensure your spouse hasn't been trying to move money or hide assets from you.

However, resist the urge to make significant withdrawals or large purchases prior or during divorce proceedings. "Judges go crazy over that," says Steve Azoury, a financial planner and owner of Azoury Financial in Troy, Michigan. "They think you're trying to hide money."

Prepare for a new career ASAP. As soon as people know they are getting a divorce, they should think about how they will support themselves in the years after. "If you're not employed, this is a time to boost your career or even start one," says Allen Gibson, a chartered divorce financial analyst with Gibson Private Wealth Advisors in Dallas. He says a common mistake people make is waiting until a divorce is finalized before beginning their job hunt. By that point, they may have squandered precious months, or even years, which could have been spent polishing skills or networking with others.

Stay put for the time being. While moving out immediately may seem like a logical decision during a separation, Azoury cautions against it. "Don't move out of the house before consulting with an attorney," he says. "[Your spouse] could say you've abandoned the family."

Don't get emotional about your home or other items. Too often, people give up valuable assets or other rights in order to keep the family home, says Kira Gould, a certified divorce coach and a certified real estate divorce specialist. While it may seem traumatic to sell the house, it is often for the best. "When we finally manage to wrestle them from their house, they're happier," Gould says.

Other spouses may become emotionally invested in keeping certain items simply out of a desire to one-up their soon-to-be ex. "People are really blinded by the power of the win," says Carrie Rollings Meynet, a real estate agent at the real estate firm Gibson International. As a result, they may spend extra on legal fees or give up more valuable assets in order to keep something of lesser value.

Think about the tax implications. Next to a house, a retirement fund may be the most valuable asset a person owns, but Gibson says couples shouldn't expect to simply cash out and split the proceeds. "If it's not done properly, a person could pay a penalty," Gibson says. "Plus, there's taxes." Spouses should consider the tax consequences of trading one asset for another during the divorce proceedings. "The house on the lake is a tax-free benefit while the 401(k) is taxable," Azoury says.

Check for legal obstacles. Even if a couple agrees to split a 401(k) plan, it may not be possible. A judicial order known as a qualified domestic relations order, otherwise called a QDRO, is needed. However, even if granted, the order can only be fulfilled if the 401(k) plan administrator allows it. "The law of the plan is the law of the land," Gibson says.

Consider all insurance options. Divorces commonly require one spouse to pay child support or maintain health insurance for dependents. But if that person should be unable to work in the future, both of those financial safety nets could disappear. To avoid that from happening, spouses may want to consider requiring disability insurance or other coverage as part of the divorce settlement. "Make sure any document is binding even if a death occurs," Azoury says.


Get your own team of professionals. Divorce can be messy, expensive and emotionally wrenching, so it's best not to go it alone. "See a therapist beforehand so you can clearly go into the situation," Azoury says. "I have one client who was so emotionally distraught that she used [her husband's] lawyer. He took advantage of her." In addition to a therapist and a lawyer, bringing in a financial planner can also be helpful. In all cases, look for someone experienced in divorce cases. "Better to find people with specialty knowledge than jacks of all trades," Gibson says.

Do your own legwork. Paying a divorce attorney can quickly deplete a bank account, but people can save money by coming to meetings with all the pertinent information. Bring Social Security numbers, tax records and other documents rather than having an attorney research that information at a hefty price tag. "The attorney will be glad to overcharge you," Gibson says about looking up records you could find for free.

Be realistic about your future financial needs. Even the most amicable divorce means a significant life change for both spouses. "In divorce, reality changes for everyone," Gould says. Azoury suggests people plan to live on half their previous household income, but maintain about 70 percent of the expenses. That may seem like a tall order, but one that can be met with proper planning.

Not every divorce is as high-profile as the Pitt-Jolie split, but you don't have to be rich or famous to walk out of a divorce on financially stable ground.

Source: https://money.usnews.com/money/personal-finance/articles/2016-09-29/10-ways-to-prevent-a-divorce-from-ruining-your-finances

What are the legal implications of dating during and after divorce?

Not surprisingly, new relationships are often forged between one spouse and a third party while the spouse is still married to their husband or wife. Even more often, divorced parties seek out and begin new relationships after their divorce has been brought to judgment. Most people believe that there are no legal implications to beginning those relationships, and most often they are right. However, sometimes there may be negative or even positive legal implications stemming from those new relationships.

When spouses begin outside relationships during marriage, the bulk of possible negative legal implications arise.  While 33 states currently provide (and recommend) divorce based on irreconcilable differences, the remainder of the states, and some of the states that also allow no-fault divorce, permit parties to file for divorce based on fault. One of the legal grounds for a fault-based divorce is adultery. The implications that could arise and the legal effect of an adultery claim in a particular divorce case will vary under each state’s law. In some states, criminal implications could arise when a spouse has been found to have committed adultery, although the prosecution of such crimes appears to have gone by the wayside in the past decades. As one example, if a court finds that one spouse has committed adultery and allows a divorce on those grounds, usually the legal implication extends to the issues of spousal support (alimony) and the division of assets and debts wherein the court would allow more or less alimony and assign property differently as if there were no adultery.

The primary legal significance of a person dating before or after marriage, however, arises when children are involved.  When child custody and visitation is an issue during a divorce case, or even during post judgment proceedings, the presence of a new person in the mix can be important both negatively and positively.  In every state, a divorce court is charged with ensuring that the best interest of the children is the focus, and child custody and visitation orders are based on this premise. If a parent brings a new dating relationship to the presence of the children to quickly, it could negatively impact the children because they may believe that the other parent is being replaced. Family Court judges are cognizant of the fact that many people want to move on with their lives, but they balance that right with the children’s best interests.  It is often most appropriate for a parent beginning a new relationship to introduce that person to the children slowly over a period of time.

There can be severely negative impacts for a parent that begins dating a person with a questionable history, including a criminal past. The mere possibility of a person with a criminal history spending time with children is grounds for the court to significantly limit the dating parent’s custody of the children. Conversely, in some cases a state court family law judge may consider the presence of a new person as having a positive impact on the children. For example, if a divorced father begins dating a woman who is a pediatric nurse, the inclination may be for the judge to view that in a positive light due to the possible benefits to the children. However, keep in mind that there are a significant number of cases that unwaveringly conclude that a “two-parent” household cannot be preferred over a one parent household when a judge is determining child custody and visitation orders. These rules and holdings vary state-by-state.

Source: http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/what-are-the-legal-implications-of-dating-during-and-after-divorce

Lawyers prepare for 'Divorce Day' as Christmas holidays take their toll

The first working Monday of January traditionally sees huge numbers end their marriages
Legal firms are bracing themselves for ‘Divorce Monday’ when they typically see a surge in queries from spouses planning to break up after limping through the Christmas holidays.

Many couples wait until after Christmas and the New Year before initiating a separation, leading to a glut of inquiries on the first working Monday of January, dubbed ‘Divorce Day’.
One in five married couples are considering separating from their partners after staying together over the festive period, according a poll of 2,000 spouses by legal firm Irwin Mitchell.

The Office for National Statistics (ONS) claims that 42 per cent of all marriages end in divorce.

The most recent data on marriage breakups shows that 118,140 divorces were granted in England and Wales in 2012.

Head of family law at legal firm Slater & Gordon Andrew Newbury told The Independent: “We’ve seen the number of inquiries double around this time and then in late January it tails off. Over the last two or three years I’ve noticed that people even inquiry a little bit earlier between Christmas and New Year.”

Divorce rates are plateauing in the UK according to data from ONS, which shows only a 0.5 per cent) from the previous year. Mr Newbury agrees with this data, claiming in his 20-year experience as a family lawyer, “only a smaller fraction will actually go on to go through with it, but I have seen more and more people inquiring each year.”

“There can be a significant gap between people inquiring and actually initiating proceedings," he said.

"People I have seen previously, it is like it is becoming a New Year’s resolution – and they are generally the ones more likely to go ahead with the full divorce proceedings,” he added.
Data from ONS indicates one in seven divorces is granted as a result of adultery, with the overall majority of divorces from first marriages (71 per cent) and almost half of all divorces granted in 2012 were to couples in the first 10 years of marriage.

Source: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/lawyers-prepare-for-divorce-day-as-christmas-holidays-take-their-toll-9955646.html

Column: Shared Parenting is what's best for children

Jason McLean, an attorney with Gjesdahl Law in Fargo, penned a letter in Sunday's Forum regarding HB 1392, the shared parenting bill.

The bill reflects social science evidence, which finds that children's best interests are served when each fit, able and willing parent is involved at least 35 percent of the time with the children. The scientists who publish these outcomes stake their professional reputations on factual interpretation of research data.

The bill states the divorce/child custody process will begin with a presumption of 35-50 percent time with each parent, reflective of the best child outcome research. It's important to understand a presumption does not mean shared parenting is a requirement. The bill attends to situations in which this isn't in the children's best interests, as is written in current law.

McLean takes exception to the word presumption in the bill. Presumption, as defined in Webster's New World College Dictionary: "Law the inference that a fact exists, based on the proved existence of other facts." Seems like using scientific evidence, the children's benefits of spending at least 35 percent of the time with each parent, is a pretty good reference for "other facts."

Having recently witnessed the current divorce process, it is nearly perfectly designed to generate and encourage conflict between divorcing parents, and inflict emotional and financial harm to the parents. In this divorce case, once the process accomplished what it was designed to do, and attorneys and the parental investigator were finished, the two parents now co-parent very well, respectfully and courteously, with the children's best interests above all else. They do so despite the process, not because of it.

This bill changes the divorce focus to the children. In most cases, both parents are fit, able and willing. Divorcing couples will be directed away from battle, and encouraged to understand that each parent should be involved with the children. Attorneys, parental investigators and courts will be guided in the same direction. The incentive to initiate the divorce process with fault-finding and finger-pointing will be redirected to focusing on cooperative parenting. The emotional and financial costs of most divorces will be reduced.

Just as did McLean, I, too, would like to leave readers with two sets of numbers: 15-0 and 71-21. The House Judiciary Committee, having heard the for and against arguments for the bill, including McLean's against argument, recommended "Do Pass" 15-0. The full House of Representatives voted 71-21 to pass the bill. The members of these bodies understood this bill is for the children and the parents. Please lend support and inform your senator you understand that children fare best when both parents are involved.

Source: http://www.inforum.com/opinion/4226908-column-shared-parenting-whats-best-children

3 Reasons to Wait for Your Divorce to Be Finalized Before Dating

Regardless of your family situation, when you're in the middle of finalizing divorce procedures, you may feel the urge to start seeing someone else in order to move on with your life. Despite the fact that this is a completely understandable and normal way of moving on from a difficult relationship, problems may arise if things have yet to be completed.

Often, you’ll hear advice that counsels spouses to avoid dating until the divorce is complete. This advice may be difficult to follow, especially when normal feelings of loneliness surface or you end up meeting someone who creates a spark that you haven’t felt in a while. Unfortunately, the legal system is obliged to uphold the letter of the law, which means that courts are far less interested in the spirit of the law. As a result, it’s often best to wait until things are over before beginning to date again.

1. Dating Is Easily Misconstrued as Adultery

Depending on the nature of your divorce proceedings, including the jurisdiction in which you file your motion, the legal application of the concept of adultery could end up having a huge impact on your divorce. Depending on these variables, you may be in a situation where the law allows for special considerations when adultery enters the a divorce.

If the judge believes that one partner has been unfaithful, the court may end up deciding to place more of the onus of the divorce on your behavior instead of your spouse, leading to an inordinate amount of blame pointing to you for the breakup of the relationship.

In the event this happens, probabilities dictate that you will end up having to pay more alimony or receive less spousal support than if you weren’t seen to be conducting your personal affairs in a way that may be considered adultery.

The worst case scenario tends to occur when a spouse unsuccessfully attempts to hide a dating relationship from their former partner, which is likely to create significant problems during your divorce. Even worse, email, text messages, phone calls, and all communication activities may easily be tracked and brought to the forefront, making your case look even worse in the eyes of the court.

Even if your divorce is a relatively amicable split, your ex-spouse may use this fact against you in order to make sure that their interests are protected.

2. May Increase the Cost and Length of Divorce Proceedings

Since adultery can be considered a concern in the eyes of the court, anytime someone is dating another during the proceedings of a divorce, suspicion may be raised by the other party in terms of when the relationship started, and whether or not this relationship was part of the cause of the divorce. This can lead to incredibly awkward situations for all involved, leading to additional costs and time spent arguing in the courtroom.

Your new partner may actually be called to the stand to legally testify the facts, including issues such as the first time that the both of you went on a date and the first time that sexual intercourse took place in the new dating relationship. Other revelations may be pushed to the forefront, revealing your spending habits towards your new date and the activities that the two of you partake in.

All of these complications may pop up anytime you’re dating during a divorce, even if you and your date have done everything in an honest and open manner. In legal terms, your behavior may not be seen under the same innocent light. Even holding hands with a date after going to a movie may be presented as proof of unfaithfulness in marriage, twisting something positive and normal into a negative headache.

In addition to financial penalties, if your new dating relationship is deemed to be inappropriate, the custody rights you have for your children may also be permanently affected. In this scenario, simply introducing your new date to your kids may be considered an act that is contrary to maintaining a positive atmosphere for your children.

It should be repeated that even if your children and ex-spouse are completely comfortable with their parents dating other people during the case, the divorce court may still interpret your personal behavior as something that negatively affects the happiness and growth of your children. This leads to a greater probability of restricted visiting rights and other  restraints on your ability to see and parent your kids.

3. Zero Chance of Legal Repercussions After Full Separation

Considering the fact that divorce proceedings can range from simple and amicable to complex and adversarial at a moment’s notice, it’s always a good idea to avoid complications during the divorce. The more variables that are added to the case, the longer and costlier that the potential outcome will be. As such, the best reason to wait until your divorce is finalized is simply the fact that you cannot suffer legal repercussions for dating after divorce.

When you and your spouse are fully separated with monetary and filial concerns worked out to a reasonable and satisfactory solution, you’re completely free to date whomever you want, whenever you want, without having to worry about how it will affect the rest of your life.

The fact that your new partner can be dragged into court to testify against you should be enough to convince you that it’s a terrible idea, even if you’re not worried about the financial outcome or custody of kids after the divorce.

Resist the Urge to Date While Divorcing

Most people are completely understanding when it comes to dating while you’re undergoing a divorce, recognizing the simple fact that human beings need companionship, often more so when going through one of the most stressful events that a person may experience. The truth is that the legal divorce system is rarely capable of processing this type of nuance when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

As a result, the amount of trouble that you may potentially experience multiplies when you date during proceedings. Not only can your entire case be considered in a completely new and unfavorable light, but you also risk severe monetary penalties as well as a reduction in your custody rights.

If at all possible, wait until your papers are completely settled before looking to heal a wounded heart through the love of another.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/articles/reasons-to-wait-for-your-divorce-to-be-finalized-before-dating/

A Diplomatic Divorce is the Only Way to Go

In an ideal world, all weddings would result in fairytale marriages and happy endings. No one would ever disagree, cheat, grow apart, lie or lose interest, and divorces would never happen. Of course, that world does not exist.

Divorce is an unfortunate reality of life for many people. It's not always a bad thing. People grow, mature and grow apart over time, and some marriages cannot sustain these changes. For some people, the divorce is sudden and unexpected; for others, it's a slow process of marital decay until the separation is inevitable. No matter why the marriage fell apart, the divorce itself is bound to be an emotional period that's difficult for all parties involved.

Some things will make the process easier for everyone, however, especially if there are children in the mix. By setting aside the hurt feelings and working through the practical aspects of getting the divorce finalized, you can both move on with your lives as quickly and painlessly as possible.

What is an Amicable Divorce?

For people in the throes of a divorce, it may seem anything but amicable. Many separations are preceded by months or even years of arguing, blame-placing, lies or other major issues. Even people who end a relationship on generally good terms may still feel hurt and overwhelmed, and it can be hard to see the divorce clearly and objectively.

An amicable divorce is one where both parties can agree to terms of spousal support, child support, custody and the division of assets without needing a judge to make those decisions for you. An amicable divorce is always uncontested, meaning both parties agree that the marriage is over and are willing to work toward bringing it to a peaceful resolution.
In understanding a diplomatic divorce, it may be helpful to understand what it's not:

• It doesn't mean that you'll both be friends. Although some divorcees are able to maintain friendships with their exes, this is not the norm (certainly not the level of friendship as before) and it's not something that you should expect.
• It doesn't mean that the divorce will be painless. You have the right to grieve for the loss of your marriage, and nothing can take that right away from you. Approaching the divorce with a clear head will simply help resolve it quickly and without adding more pain.
• It doesn't mean that you'll get everything you want. A diplomatic divorce is fair, which means both sides will come out mostly even. Neither party really "wins" a divorce, so don't expect to leave the proceedings feeling triumphant.

Once you understand what an amicable divorce really is, it becomes easier to see why it's the best choice. If you can, you should always strive to end your marriage on a diplomatic note; this is doubly important if you have children and plan to share custody.

Why Get a Diplomatic Divorce?

One of the best reasons to try for an amicable divorce is so that your children's lives are as unaffected as possible. Divorce puts a huge strain on families, and children have an especially difficult time adjusting. If you can end the relationship in a way that enables you to communicate civilly, it will be easier for your children to adjust to their new lifestyle. It will also make sharing custody more bearable, and you won't have as much resentment every time you see each other.

Children aren't the only reason to have a diplomatic divorce, however. Even if you don't have children, you can benefit from an equal agreement about dividing your assets and arranging spousal support. Moreover, settling a divorce amicably will provide both members of the couple more control over the separation of property, custody and other important matters.

When a divorce goes to court, the judge ultimately decides who should be granted what. While the judge will attempt to divide assets fairly, the division may not be ideal for both parties. If you can come to an agreement outside of court, you will be better prepared for the terms of the divorce and have more freedom and flexibility than if a judge decided the terms of your divorce for you.

It will also make the divorce process itself much faster and easier. Uncontested divorces are settled quickly, and if you agree to things in advance, you won't have to spend as much time in court. This will save you time, money and frustration and allow you to begin building your new life without devoting so much time to divorce proceedings.

How to Have a Diplomatic Divorce

The first key to having a successful diplomatic divorce is to choose an attorney who can help you with the process. Make sure to choose an attorney who understands that you want to end the divorce easily and amicably. Some lawyers have a more aggressive approach that will make it harder to end the divorce diplomatically.

Once you've retained a lawyer, it's important to make sure that your ex is willing to end the marriage diplomatically and knows what that will involve. Try to have a discussion with them about your wishes so that you can set realistic expectations. Being in agreement about having an amicable divorce will make the rest of the process much easier.

In some cases, if you and your ex are on the same page, you may be able to resolve the entire divorce without going to court. Both members of the couple will fill out the necessary paperwork, exchange documents and work through difficulties as they arise. Generally one person will file for the divorce and the other will accept it. This is called a pro se divorce and requires negotiation and open communication, but you might find it worthwhile.

If a pro se divorce is too difficult, a collaborative divorce may make more sense. In this case, both members of the couple will retain lawyers and handle all communication through these attorneys. This allows the negotiation to take place outside of court, allowing a couple to resolve the marriage as peacefully as possible and retain more control over the divorce itself.

Using attorneys as negotiators is a good compromise for couples who want to end a divorce diplomatically but are unable to collaborate with each other to complete the process. This ensures that both parties are treated fairly in the divorce without requiring the individuals to do all of the legwork for the divorce themselves. Of course, this will only work if both attorneys are on the same page. If your spouse retains a cut-throat, aggressive lawyer, the negotiation may not go smoothly and you may end up in court after all.

No matter how you decide to handle your divorce, you may be required by the state to go through mediation. The mediator is a neutral third party who will help negotiate the divorce whether or not you decide to retain an attorney. If you both agree that mediation is unnecessary, the district will usually waive the requirement, but a mediator may be able to help you work out the requirements of your divorce.

A Diplomatic Divorce is the Only Way to Go

Whenever possible, it's best to have an amicable divorce. It may be difficult to see this at first, especially if there's a lot of anger about the situation, but it's important to separate the failed marriage from the divorce in your mind. Ultimately, a divorce is not about the relationship; a divorce is the separation of finances, property and activities. It's more like dissolving a business partnership.

By approaching the divorce rationally and treating it diplomatically, as if you were negotiating a treaty, you can arrive at a solution that will benefit both partners as equally as possible. What "equally" means will vary from one couple to the next; for some, it might mean that one person gets alimony payments until they're able to recover from the financial impact of losing spousal support. For others, it might mean simply selling all belongings and dividing the profits equally.

This is where keeping a level head and considering your future is vital to an amicable divorce. Rather than worrying about blame or punishment, you can focus purely on the task of dividing assets fairly and moving on with the least possible amount of pain for you, your ex and your family.

And of course, you can always ask your divorced friends (we all have them) what is the best way to go. Odds are all of them would have gone the diplomatic way if they had the time back.

Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/06/28/a-diplomatic-divorce-is-the-only-way-to-go/#d7631071830b

6 Tips For Handling The Realities Of Divorce

The realities of divorce will be quite different from what you’ve imagined divorce to be. Don’t be caught off-guard!

A couple of weeks ago I saw the post below go through my Facebook newsfeed. It was written by a newly divorced Mom who had learned five realities of divorce while attempting to sell a home and raise her children on her own.

“No one tells you divorce makes you an outcast.
No one tells you people really do take sides, & they will do it in your face.
No one tells you how to learn to get over it. How to sit with your grief.
No one tells you how vulnerable you’ll be & how everything feels shitty.
No one tells you you’ll look back at the calendar with disbelief at how long divorce takes and the disentangling and how suddenly the people you thought you knew best…are total strangers. Ghosts.
So I’m telling you.”

This Mom is wrong, those things have been told. She didn’t discover some dark hidden truth about divorce, she just came face to face with the realities of divorce.

I write about it and other divorce experts share the ugly side of divorce in books and articles daily online. The problem is, the experts aren’t being read or, if they are, folks reading our advice think, “That couldn’t happen to me, my situation is different.”

And, nothing stands in the way of a newly divorced person moving forward and creating a satisfying life more than the “I’m different” thought process. The idea that bad divorces only happen to other people. Or, the belief that people who experience pain and suffering after divorce do so because they did something wrong. These are thought processes that are prevalent among those deciding on and going through a divorce.

Most are under the illusion that divorce is the road to happiness and when faced with the realities of divorce are lost at how to process it and use it to their own advantage. Divorce is not the road to happiness, divorce is hard, harder than most bad marriages and when it turns your world upside down it’s in your best interest to be mentally prepared or you will drown in the “no one told me” pity party.

How to Handle The Realities Of Divorce:
1. The danger in not knowing and expecting the realities of divorce only keeps you stuck in a state of disbelief when those realities become part of your daily life. So, don’t allow yourself to go through a divorce unless you are armed with knowledge about what divorce is and can become. If you read something negative about the consequences of divorce, don’t throw on your shroud of, “that only happens to other people.” Instead, take it to heart.

2. During divorce, people will shun you and even your best friends will take sides and it won’t always be your side. Let them! It’s of no consequence when it comes to how you choose to live your life. Focus on the people who supported you during this painful period in your life, not the ones who turned their backs. That is a more productive use of your time.

3. Divorce means experiencing loss, it’s the death of your marriage. You must learn to adapt to and adjust to that loss and rebuild your life. First, you must grieve and “sit with” the loss. If you are unsure how to do that, Google, “grief after divorce.” There are over 30 million articles and books available for those who are coping with the grief of divorce. Find an article or book that brings you comfort, join a local support group or reach out to friends and family. The key is to admit your vulnerability and be willing to reach out for help.

4. Yep, everything can be “shitty” after a divorce. And when it is, you can feel powerfully vulnerable. Divorce forces people to change when all they want to do is escape the pain. Divorce turns everything upside down. You have to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. When you are in pain and seeking comfort from that pain it can be hard to focus on the one thing that will relieve the pain…embracing the change. Making those necessary changes is the only thing that will take away the “shitty” feelings that pop up during and after divorce.

5. Your lawyer isn’t going to tell you how long the legal process of divorce will take. There are legal guidelines but those can be tossed out the window because, the longer a divorce takes, the more money your lawyer will make. So, here I am, telling you, if you don’t become a proactive part of your legal divorce you will look back in disbelief at how long it took.

6. Learn your state’s divorce laws. Learn your local court procedures related to Family Court matters. Hold your lawyer accountable at the first hint of him/her engaging in adversarial legal tactics. Divorcing couples do not have to come out the other side hating each other if they refuse to allow a dysfunctional family court system to determine the course of their divorce.

There you go, I’ve told you, again. Divorce is no walk in the park. Divorce is not the end of conflict. Divorce is not the road to happiness. Divorce puts an end to marriage but it also puts into play many, many other issues that can be stressful to deal with if you aren’t prepared to meet them head-on. Be prepared!

Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/6-tips-for-handling-the-realities-of-divorce/

'No good arguments against no fault divorce', top judge says

Britain's leading family law judge, Sir Nicholas Wall, has renewed calls for "no fault divorce", which could see couples granted quick legal separation without one party accepting the blame.

Sir Nicholas, President of the Family Division, said he could "see no good arguments against no fault divorce", as society moves away from viewing permanent separation as shameful.

He claimed divorce was now an "administrative" process rather than judicial, and said it was no longer important "to demonstrate that you were the 'innocent' party."

In a speech to family lawyers, he said current legislation had "its roots in history", when divorce was a "matter of social status and added: "All that, I think, has gone. Defended divorces are now effectively unheard of."

His words, delivered at the annual conference of Resolution in Leeds on Saturday, have been echoed by Lord Justice Thorpe in an Appeal Court ruling on a contested divorce.

In it, he said the "painful investigations" to establish fault in divorce cases "now seem to represent the social values of a bygone age."

The concept of no fault divorce was originally proposed as part of the Family Law Act 1996, but were criticised by opponents as making it too easy for couples to break up.

Sir Nicholas added: "As a student, of course, I grew up with the three Cs – connivance, collusion and condonation. All those have gone.

"It seems to me, therefore, that the time for no fault divorce has also come."

In the same speech, he also spoke of cuts to legal aid, which he believes could make divorces and family disputes longer, more difficult and more expensive as parties increasingly represent themselves.

He claimed the changes and reductions in legal aid will “undoubtedly” lead to a “substantial increase in litigants in person”, making cases more difficult, as complainants fail to understand court processes such as cross-examination.

Stating that he would “work on the premise that the changes …are going to happen”, he said: “We are undoubtedly going to see a substantial increase in litigants in person.

“Some are very good. But as a rule of thumb, there is no doubt that they slow us down.

“Few, for example, can cross-examine or understand the process of cross-examination.”

Sir Nicholas, who has already publicly criticised legal aid cuts, said those representing themselves in family law courts will often have the “most difficult and intransigent cases”.

If they are not suitable for an alternative mediation process, he added, “cases will take longer and become more difficult” without proper legal representation.

He said: “Although good lawyers cost money, they also save it.”

In his speech, Sir Nicholas said he considers it difficult to disagree with the finding of a recent Civil Justice Counil report, which found: “Forthcoming reductions and changes in legal aid will have the most serious consequences.”

Source: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/9168530/No-good-arguments-against-no-fault-divorce-top-judge-says.html

Divorcing parents could lose children if they try to turn them against partner

Measures being trialled to prevent ‘parental alienation’ feature penalties including permanent loss of contact with child

Divorcing parents could be denied contact with their children if they try to turn them against their former partner, under a “groundbreaking” process being trialled by the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass).

The phenomenon where one parent poisons their child against the other is known as parental alienation, the ultimate aim of which is to persuade the child to permanently exclude that parent from their life.

Cafcass said it had recently realised parental alienation occured in significant numbers of the 125,000 cases it dealt with each year.

Sarah Parsons, the assistant director of Cafcass, said: “We are increasingly recognising that parental alienation is a feature in many of our cases and have realised that it’s absolutely vital that we take the initiative. Our new approach is groundbreaking.”

The new approach will initially give parents the chance to change their behaviour with the help of intense therapy. Alienating parents who do not respond will not be allowed to have their children live with them.

In addition, contact between the parent and child could be restricted or refused for a number of months. In the most extreme cases, the alienating parent will be permanently banned from any contact with their child.

Parental alienation is estimated to be present in 11%-15% of divorces involving children, a figure thought to be increasing. Other research has found that about 1% of children and adolescents in North America experience parental alienation.

UK judges are increasingly recognising the phenomenon. One wrote about a case where she was forced to transfer residence to re-establish a relationship between a child and an alienated parent. “I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful,” she said in her summary.

Parental alienation occurs on a spectrum from mild to extreme, all of which can be extremely damaging to the children involved. Experts admit they are only now beginning to understand the range of ways it manifests itself.

Parsons said: “We have reached a much clearer position on parental alienation recently, which we want to send a very clear, strong message about.

“The current, popular view of parental alienation is highly polarised and doesn’t recognise this spectrum. We want to reclaim the centre ground and develop a more nuanced, sophisticated understanding of what’s going on.”

Parental alienation occurs almost exclusively when parents are separating or divorcing, particularly when legal action is involved. It is, however, different to the common acrimony between divorcing parents and is internationally recognised as a distinctive form of parental psychological abuse and family violence, undermining core principles of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights and the UN convention on the rights of the child.

In the US and Canada, “parenting coordinators” are ordered and supervised by courts to help restore relationships between parents and children identified as alienated. In Mexico and Brazil, alienating a child from a parent is a criminal act.

Until now, cases of parental alienation in the UK have relied on Cafcass caseworkers recognising incidents on a case-by-case basis. Many parents, however, say their experiences of alienation have been missed or compounded by the social work and family court system, often leading to permanent estrangement from their child.

From spring 2018, all frontline Cafcass caseworkers will be given a new set of guidelines called the high conflict pathway, which will itemise the steps social workers must take when dealing with cases of suspected alienation. The pathway will spell out exactly when children should be removed from the alienating parent and placed with the “target parent”.

The guidelines, which will also affect how cases are dealt with in family courts, were sent out at the beginning of this month to judges, lobby groups including Families Need Fathers, experts, doctors and lawyers for a three-month consultation.

Alongside the guidelines, Cafcass has developed a 12-week intense programme called positive parenting, designed to help the abusive parent put themselves in their child’s position, and give them skills to break their patterns of behaviour.

A trial of it will start shortly, with 50 high-conflict families being sought across the country. After an evaluation in spring, the programme will be rolled out nationwide.

If it does not work, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health experts will be brought in. If the alienating parent continues to perpetuate the abuse, however, contact with their child will be limited to supervised visits.

In extreme cases, care proceedings will be initiated and the parent will lose contact with their child. “Our priority, however, is to preserve the relationship with both parents,” Parsons said.

Jerry Karlin, the chair and managing trustee of Families Need Fathers, said Cafcass’s new approach was “very welcome news”.

“The demonising of a parent has long been recognised as damaging the child not only at the time of separation, but reaching into his or her adult life,” he said. “Parental alienation is identified as the single biggest issue among those who come to FNF seeking help.”

Case study – Robert (not his real name)

“I’ve lived through and witnessed the inexorable alienation of my older daughter over the past five years, which has culminated in complete loss of contact. I will not have seen or heard from her for three years this coming January. We had a fantastic, loving relationship for the first 12 years of her life.

“I know from what my younger daughter has told me that in numerous insidious and not so insidious ways, my ex-wife put an intolerable amount of stress on my eldest daughter. It eventually became too emotionally traumatic for her to see me. She eventually sent me a short email, saying she wanted to break off all contact with me. I’ve not heard from her since.

“The pain of being subject to parental alienation as a target parent is a truly soul-destroying thing to live through. In my darkest days, I can remember being out driving at night and thinking that maybe I just wouldn’t turn the wheel when I came to the bend with the high stone wall. This is a horrible form of child abuse that is struggling to get out from under the rock of prejudice and ignorance.”

Source: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass

Make shared parenting mandatory: Activists

New Delhi, June 16 (IANS) Activists, fighting for shared parenting in case of divorce or separation, on Friday demanded a law to make shared parenting mandatory seeking punishment for parents who disobey the court orders regarding child visitation.

“Ahead of Father’s Day, we are demanding implementation of the Law Commission of India 2015 report that provides equal legal status and joint custody of the children to both parents,” Kumar V. Jahgirdar, founder and president of the Child Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP), told IANS.

He said the joint custody of a child has to be made mandatory by reforming family laws.
Bengaluru-based CRISP — whose activists from its regional chapters in Chandigarh, New Delhi, Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai and Lucknow will observe silent protests and awareness campaigns on International Father’s Day that falls on every third Sunday of June (June 18 this year) — is pushing for reforms in family laws.

Jahgirdar, who is seeking adequate paternity leave just like women, said these days when both parents are working, the role of the father in nurturing a child has become all the more important.

“The central government has to introduce a bill in the ensuing session of Parliament on shared parenting with necessary amendments in guardianship and custody laws as recommended by the Law Commission irrespective of the child’s gender,” he said.
The two laws — the Guardians and Wards Act of 1890 and the Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act of 1956 — at present decide the custody of children in divorce cases.
According CRISP estimates, more than 25,000 divorce cases are pending in family courts in Bangalore alone. In the country, the figure totals over 500,000.

The parents of the estranged couples have their own woes.

Sudha Rajashekar, who heads the grandparents’ wing of CRISP, said separate visitation rights have to be provided to the senior citizens as they are deprived of seeing their grandchildren.

She told IANS there is need for change in the existing laws on rights of grandparents along with the fathers.

Jahgirdar’s NGO has also been demanding a separate union ministry for children and to de-link from the existing Ministry of Women and Child Development since the objectives of both women and children are different.

It is seeking an end to discrimination between maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents and has demanded that family courts treat both equally.

Source: http://www.india.com/news/agencies/make-shared-parenting-mandatory-activists-2241563/