January Break-Ups: How to Cope With the Early Stages of a Break-Up or Divorce

There are numerous research studies out this month that show that January is the boom month for relationship break-ups. Apparently if you are married there is a one in five chance that you have considered breaking up this month.

For some it has been planned for January as they could not face breaking up before the festive period which is traditionally a time for families. I have already seen a spike in enquiries for my help, advice and support from people who have had the break-up thrust upon them by their ex and are trying to come to terms with what it all means and what happens next.

Having been through both a divorce and also total heartbreak after a two year relationship I am no stranger to how to deal with the ups and downs of breaking-up. I combine my own personal experience with 17 years of coaching and now help people all around the world to cope with the end of their relationships.

So what is the cold hard truth about what happens in the early days of separation? Is it really that bad? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it all doom and gloom. Just what can you expect over the next few weeks and months?

Well in the early days there is the denial and the grief that comes with losing someone close to you. You have been used to them being there to talk to and lean on and suddenly you find yourself facing life without them. It can feel extremely lonely and the change can be scary. Whilst the experience is an emotional one it can manifest itself as what feels like a real physical, and at times quite exquisite, pain.

However this phase will pass as you learn to replace the gap in your life with a different way of thinking. It is up to you to make the decision to take control back of your life and get back to being happy again. It may seem like an uphill struggle from where you are standing now but I assure you if you take little steps each day using my techniques you will get there sooner than you think.

You see even if you loved them more than anything and are looking back at all the wonderful parts of your relationship the truth is clear: they were not the right partner for you.
If they were they would still be with you and you would be happy and feel secure and loved in your relationship. So it is time to remove the rose tinted glasses and start to focus your mind on the less positive things about your relationship. Don’t get carried away romanticising about the past - it’s time to get a grip if you want to move forward quickly.

You may find it difficult when you find yourself doing things that you used to do together. A good way to relieve some of that pressure is to make some changes and do things differently. Simple things can make a big difference such as shopping in a different supermarket or driving a different way to work. It may be living in the same house on your own now is tricky for you so move the furniture around and put up new photos around the house. Start wearing a new colour or try out a different look.

Remember a break-up is not just the end of your relationship - it is also the start of a new phase in your life. Whilst there will be some highs and lows to deal with you also have the chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be. I work with my clients on writing a Bucket List of things that they can now do in their lives that they never thought they would be able to. Try it! Dream big and remember anything goes from travelling to Barbados, writing a book or even sex with someone new! It will help to get you excited about the future.

Take some time to work out what you want your new phase of life to look like and think about the areas you would like to change or improve on. Schedule in some fun too - you may not feel like laughing right now but laughter is a great medicine and even short bursts will boost your mood so plan in some things you enjoy doing.

I have released a brand new app this month called “7 Steps to a Better Break-Up”and it is free to download from App Store or Google Player. It talks you through how to cope with your break-up and how to keep moving forward and speed up your recovery process. If you take the time to work through the exercises you will end up with your personalised Action Plan which will help you to keep positive and maintain momentum with feeling better and creating a compelling future for yourself.

Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good upbeat friends and family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you even if it seems a long way off right now. Sadly there is no magic wand to take away all the pain immediately however there are things you can do to help feel better right now. By using my techniques and strategies you can speed up your recovery and start to see a brighter future for yourself becoming a reality.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/coping-with-break-ups_b_6442692.html

The Reality of Conscious Uncoupling

According to the MacMillonDictionary.com, “consciously uncoupling” refers to “the act of ending a marriage or relationship, but in a way that is viewed as a very positive step by both parties, who mutually believe their lives will be better for doing so.” The couple makes a serious attempt to remain friends and co-parent if they have children. It is a very respectful way of terminating a long-term relationship.

The expression was thrust into the media in 2014 after being used by actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her spouse, rocker Chris Martin, who announced the breakup of their marriage online while writing that they intended to. The use of such embellished terminology is just a euphemism for an amicable separation or amicable divorce. The term has been viewed critically in the media as typical celebrity-invented nonsense. Its mockery by journalists, however, has brought further attention to it, only popularizing the phrase.

Katherine Woodward Thomas is the one to credit with the term after she penned a self-help book with the same title. Her intentions are, of course, to help couples split up peacefully. Regardless of what people might think of the term, the concept is an ideal that all couples should aim for if they are at such a point in their lives. Science, however, tells us that this rarely happens.

The Reality of Breaking Up
Researcher Diane Vaughan discusses in her book, Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships (1990), how couples really split up. Several conclusions can be drawn from her extensive work with couples ending their relationship. First and foremost, all uncoupling begins with a secret.

One partner (the “initiator”) usually feels unsatisfied with the relationship or believes that it was a mistake. The initiator stays quiet and processes their feelings on their own. Uncoupling most often begins way before someone actually initiates a break-up.
Instead of directly communicating thoughts and feelings with their spouse or partner, initiators engage in these types of behaviours:

• The initiator makes direct and indirect attempts to "fix" their partner who is frequently clueless about the thoughts the other one is having.
• The initiator begins to find satisfaction outside the relationship. Energy gets channeled into hobbies, friendships, the kids, or an affair.
• The initiator makes important changes unilaterally. There is no more discussion and negotiation. There is a shift from “we-ness” to “me-ness.”
• The initiator starts to re-define their partner and the relationship in negative terms. History gets re-written…good times are forgotten. Attempts are made to justify the thoughts and feelings around wishing to end the relationship.
• The initiator finds ways to create distance from the partner. This may be in their body language, mood, spending time away, becoming overly critical, complaining or acting passive-aggressive.
• The initiator operates out of fear and is plagued with uncertainty. He or she confuses known problems vs. unknown problems. It is very difficult to face the truth when making a drastic life decision.
• The initiator finds a “transitional person.” The initiator begins to confide in someone who will instrumental in bridging the gap between the old life and new life. This may be a lover, friend, divorce lawyer, or a therapist. It may be someone who has gone through the divorce process who can serve as a role-model of sorts.

Daily routine of life makes it easier for the unhappy partner to slowly and gradually slip away, at first only psychologically, and eventually physically. Initiators have the benefit of time to gather the resources necessary to uncouple when they are good and ready. Lack of such resources may create major barriers to separation.

The uncoupling process usually starts in this covert and rather “unconscious” way. Or, at least only consciously to the unhappy partner. The initiator fails to communicate their intense dissatisfaction with the relationship. As a result, when the initiator makes a bold move to end things, it’s frequently too late for the other partner to do anything to change the decision.

The Facts
This is not a condemnation of the initiator or a judgment of the reasons why people choose to leave their marriage or long-term relationship. It is strictly based on the collection of data on how people go about it. Understanding this may help couples take a braver and more open approach and take corrective action sooner rather than later if one or both are unhappy in their relationship. A result of early action and discussion may be that couples actually end up staying together for the long-haul.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/reality-of-conscious-uncoupling-2302142?_ga=2.154070392.1762300026.1542279005-385261421.1530257903