For some couples, no amount of marriage counseling is enough to avoid a divorce. It’s a tough process emotionally and financially.
Untangling two people’s money is messy. Long before spousal or child support is awarded or your post-divorce budget is in place, you’ll need to prepare your finances for the work ahead.
Because each divorce is unique, specific advice can only come from experts familiar with your case. However, the following tips should point you in the right direction.
1. Be wary of well-meaning advice
Divorce laws vary by state, so be cautious of advice that seems to be a one-size-fits-all solution — whether you read it online or received it from a friend. If you’re unsure whether you should move money, change accounts or make any other financial moves pre-divorce, consult with an attorney licensed in your state.
2. Track expenses — and anticipate future ones
As soon as you know divorce is inevitable, begin tracking your household income and expenses. This will not only help build a budget post-divorce, but it is also crucial for your attorney and later the judge in deciding how to split assets and debts, and whether to award spousal or child support.
If you’ve already been tracking as part of your budget, even better: You have a record of past months and years. If not, start now, and include household bills, food, clothing, entertainment, home maintenance, transportation, child care and anything else that you spend money on. Use your bank and credit card statements to estimate spending from past years. Next, project future expenses.
“Look beyond the normal monthly expenses and include things like your holiday trips, vacations and seemingly ‘one-time’ expenses like replacing the dishwasher,” says Avani Ramnani, a certified divorce financial advisor with Francis Financial in New York City. Use previous years as a guide, but remember, circumstances change. For example, if you have children, you’ll transition from spending on child care to spending on after-school activities and eventually car insurance and college tuition.
3. Gather documentation
Your financial records tell the story of your marriage’s financial health. Gathering these documents can be tedious and time-consuming, so start as early as possible.
If you and your spouse share any accounts, your financial institutions or advisors have no obligation to keep your requests confidential.
Start with:
- Checking and savings account statements (past year)
- Retirement account statements (current, if contributions haven’t changed)
- Investment account statements (past year)
- Ledgers for any loans, including your mortgage, auto loans and personal loans (past year)
- Credit card statements (past year)
- Recent pay stubs
- Lists of assets and debts brought into the marriage and those accumulated since marriage
- Income tax returns (past three years)
- The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts offers a checklist of financial records you’ll want to prepare.
4. Prepare for resistance
“In amicable divorces, there is a free exchange of information,” Ramnani says. “However, in adversarial situations, one spouse might not release documents unless they’re legally forced to do so.” This is especially likely if one spouse controlled the household finances.
Even if relations seem cordial, anticipate rough patches. You might decrease the likelihood of confrontation by gathering the important paperwork before filing. If your spouse fights you every step of the way, ask your attorney about court-ordered options.
5. Refrain from big financial decisions
The divorce proceedings will determine all of your major financial changes. It might be tempting to get a jump on tasks like adjusting your life insurance beneficiaries — but it’s best to wait.
“Changes to beneficiaries, wills, retirement accounts, and the like will be sorted out in the (legal) proceedings,” says Caleb Ballew, divorce attorney with Martinson & Beason in Huntsville, Alabama. “If you make such changes prior to the divorce, the judge could award your spouse.”
If you’ve already filed, Ballew says, making such changes without the blessing of the court could be grounds for criminal contempt charges. Ask your attorney if you’re unsure about a particular move.
6. Be conservative when spending and saving
Separating joint finances is sticky, and much of the process depends on your state laws — some treat all income, assets and debts as if they’re part of a single pot. Emptying that pot, or even dipping into it more than usual, in the weeks and months before your divorce could be detrimental.
“There is no advantage, and perhaps a disadvantage, to being the first one to the bank,” says David Clarke, a divorce attorney with Blankingship & Keith in Washington, D.C. He recommends keeping all financial matters transparent with your spouse.
Continue to use your accounts — individual or joint — as usual. If you don’t have money set aside for hiring a divorce attorney and other related expenses, try to agree with your spouse about each spending a conservative and comparable amount, Clarke says. If your relationship isn’t amicable, ask your attorney about a legal separation, which would dictate how you both use money until the divorce is finalised.
7. Know when to get help
Whether your divorce is amicable or adversarial, a lawyer can help you sort through the separation of your lives and finances.
“Engaging a lawyer should not be seen as an act of aggression,” says Clarke, who adds that the specifics of a divorce are “too weighty to be negotiated at the kitchen table.”
In addition to your attorney, a certified divorce financial analyst can offer expertise concerning divorce’s effect on your current and future financial health.
CDFAs can help those in the midst of divorce or even just considering it. An increasing number of people contact them to ask whether a divorce is financially feasible, sometimes even before contacting an attorney, according to Carol Lee Roberts, general manager of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts. You can also ask a CDFA to judge the merits of your divorce settlement and how to best structure it.
Roberts says though wealth might spur someone to contact a CDFA, they’re equally valuable for folks without a mountain of assets. “Even if your divorce is more about dividing debts, it’s important to talk with a financial expert,” she says.
Source: https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/finance/7-ways-to-prepare-your-finances-for-divorce/
There are numerous research studies out this month that show that January is the boom month for relationship break-ups. Apparently if you are married there is a one in five chance that you have considered breaking up this month.
For some it has been planned for January as they could not face breaking up before the festive period which is traditionally a time for families. I have already seen a spike in enquiries for my help, advice and support from people who have had the break-up thrust upon them by their ex and are trying to come to terms with what it all means and what happens next.
Having been through both a divorce and also total heartbreak after a two year relationship I am no stranger to how to deal with the ups and downs of breaking-up. I combine my own personal experience with 17 years of coaching and now help people all around the world to cope with the end of their relationships.
So what is the cold hard truth about what happens in the early days of separation? Is it really that bad? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel or is it all doom and gloom. Just what can you expect over the next few weeks and months?
Well in the early days there is the denial and the grief that comes with losing someone close to you. You have been used to them being there to talk to and lean on and suddenly you find yourself facing life without them. It can feel extremely lonely and the change can be scary. Whilst the experience is an emotional one it can manifest itself as what feels like a real physical, and at times quite exquisite, pain.
However this phase will pass as you learn to replace the gap in your life with a different way of thinking. It is up to you to make the decision to take control back of your life and get back to being happy again. It may seem like an uphill struggle from where you are standing now but I assure you if you take little steps each day using my techniques you will get there sooner than you think.
You see even if you loved them more than anything and are looking back at all the wonderful parts of your relationship the truth is clear: they were not the right partner for you.
If they were they would still be with you and you would be happy and feel secure and loved in your relationship. So it is time to remove the rose tinted glasses and start to focus your mind on the less positive things about your relationship. Don’t get carried away romanticising about the past - it’s time to get a grip if you want to move forward quickly.
You may find it difficult when you find yourself doing things that you used to do together. A good way to relieve some of that pressure is to make some changes and do things differently. Simple things can make a big difference such as shopping in a different supermarket or driving a different way to work. It may be living in the same house on your own now is tricky for you so move the furniture around and put up new photos around the house. Start wearing a new colour or try out a different look.
Remember a break-up is not just the end of your relationship - it is also the start of a new phase in your life. Whilst there will be some highs and lows to deal with you also have the chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be. I work with my clients on writing a Bucket List of things that they can now do in their lives that they never thought they would be able to. Try it! Dream big and remember anything goes from travelling to Barbados, writing a book or even sex with someone new! It will help to get you excited about the future.
Take some time to work out what you want your new phase of life to look like and think about the areas you would like to change or improve on. Schedule in some fun too - you may not feel like laughing right now but laughter is a great medicine and even short bursts will boost your mood so plan in some things you enjoy doing.
I have released a brand new app this month called “7 Steps to a Better Break-Up”and it is free to download from App Store or Google Player. It talks you through how to cope with your break-up and how to keep moving forward and speed up your recovery process. If you take the time to work through the exercises you will end up with your personalised Action Plan which will help you to keep positive and maintain momentum with feeling better and creating a compelling future for yourself.
Keep yourself busy and surround yourself with good upbeat friends and family. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for you even if it seems a long way off right now. Sadly there is no magic wand to take away all the pain immediately however there are things you can do to help feel better right now. By using my techniques and strategies you can speed up your recovery and start to see a brighter future for yourself becoming a reality.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/coping-with-break-ups_b_6442692.html
Divorce is hard, for all of the individuals involved. When your parents decide to get divorced, you may experience many different, overwhelming, and even conflicting emotions. You may feel torn between the two people you love the most, and you may even feel to blame for what has happened.
It is important to know that you are not the reason for your parents’ divorce, and you are not alone. No matter how old you are when your parents decide to go their separate ways – whether you are 10 or 20 – learning to live with divorce can be an emotional rollercoaster.
If you are the child of newly divorced parents, or you know of a child who is struggling with his or her parents’ divorce, here are some ways to help cope.
1. Talk to someone. Talking about your problems is a good thing, and honesty is the most important. Never repress your feelings. Whether you talk with your parents, a friend, a school counselor, or a therapist, it is helpful to get your thoughts and fears out into the open. Check in with your parents regularly – tell them how you feel, what is going on with you, and what you need from them in order to do better.
2. Don’t take sides. Don’t choose one parent’s side over the other.
3. Don’t become either parent’s protector. They are grown-ups and do not need your help.
4. Don’t become a collaborator, agent, or a messenger. Let your parents relate to each other independently.
5. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t blame yourself. Children have no control over their parents’ marriage.
6. Spend time with each parent alone. It is okay to spend one-on-one time with each parent, separately. You are a part of both, and can love them both equally.
7. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your original family. This will help you open to the possibilities of your own resource and transition into a new and healthier family structure.
8. Give up the secret mission of reuniting your family. Realize that you cannot “fix” your parents’ relationship.
9. Have empathy. Empathy is so important during this time. Remember to have empathy for yourself, and for your parents.
10. Stick to your routine. Maintaining your normal, every day routine can help you feel more in control when everything seems out of control.
11. Don’t try to take on the role as head of the house or homemaker. You are a child, and entitled to your childhood.
At the end of the day, it is important to have open conversations about your feelings. If you can’t put them into words, then draw, play, dance, and write in a journal.
You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be – they are legitimate. Divorce is a loss of innocence, and as a child you have been put into a space that is new and frightening. Remember: your parents still love you, and even though they may no longer be married, they are still there for you, to comfort and guide you.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/tips-to-help-children-cope-with-divorce_us_58d1eb34e4b062043ad4ae0f
