Coping with festive holidays when you are divorced or separated

Seasonal and festive holidays like Christmas can be really hard for parents not living with their children. When non-resident parents call our helpline around the Christmas period, they often feel jealous, lonely, sad, angry and resentful. Separated families may feel as though everyone else is enjoying the perfect family festivities, while they feel more isolated and alone than during the rest of the year.

This situation can be distressing and tense and it can really help to talk to someone about how you feel. Some non-resident parents who call us are sad that they can’t watch their children open their presents at Christmas. From a legal point of view, it can be very frustrating for non-resident parents if the resident parent doesn’t grant access over Christmas, but it may be possible to come to an informal arrangement.

It's usually best to start the conversation with your children’s other parent as early as possible, to give yourself plenty of time to come to arrangement about times and days to see the children. If, for example, the resident parent has the children on Christmas Day, you may want to arrange a time on Christmas Day when you can give the children their presents.

You could suggest an arrangement of alternating the years, so that you get to spend Christmas Day with the children every other year. In the other years, you could even arrange a 'fake Christmas', when you get to do all the traditional festive things you like to do with your family, just on a different day. That way, everybody gets to have a full festive experience, and the children get to celebrate twice.

Making long-term plans

Reaching a long term deal and being flexible will work to everyone’s benefit. A separated mother said: “My eldest daughter is going to be with her dad for Christmas day this year. I'm going to miss her terribly but need to be fair to her dad.
“It might sound a bit extreme, but I find it helps to plan what will happen at Christmas a year ahead. I have a rota with my daughter's dad as to who has her when. It doesn’t make it less painful not being with her when it's not my turn, but it makes it easier to plan early celebrations and visits to relatives so no-one feels they're missing out."

Seeing grandparents

This situation can also affect grandparents. The parents of the non-resident parent will be unlikely to see their grandchildren at Christmas which can be upsetting. Like the non-resident parent, grandparents could try to organise a special day, or a time around Christmas, when they could give their grandchildren presents.

One separated parent said: “I find it extremely difficult handling the upset that not spending Christmas Day together causes my daughter’s grandparents who want to see her. We've arranged to have Christmas earlier so we can all be together.”

Another said: “It gets me down that my ex-wife always has the children on Christmas Day and I have to wait for Boxing Day. Some years she has taken them away for Christmas and I haven’t seen them until New Year, which is really upsetting.”

How to make time together special

The time that you do spend with your children over Christmas should be special. Many separated parents try to outdo each other, which is likely to lead to stress and disappointment, as you often can’t live up to the expectations and may end up feeling second best. Similarly, non-resident parents sometimes feel that they must compete with their children’s other parent when it comes to buying presents. When one parent is spending a large amount on expensive gifts, or taking the children on a costly holiday, the other parent may feel that he or she can’t offer the same amount. This can lead to heartache, as parents may feel like they have let their children down if they cannot afford to compete.

Christmas present competition

A separated father said: “My ex-wife always seems to turn Christmas into a competition to see who can outdo the other by buying the ‘best’ presents. Every year I ask her to let me know what she’ll be buying the children so I can make sure I don’t buy the same thing, but she doesn’t. So I feel I can’t get them what they really want in case she’s got there first. In previous years I’ve been delighted to buy them something I knew was on their list, only to have them unwrap it on Boxing Day and say: ‘Thanks Dad, but Mum bought me this too.’ It’s disappointing for the children and means I’ve had to waste a lot of time changing presents afterwards.”

Explaining to your children that you aren’t giving them the presents that they want can be hard, but your children will appreciate your honesty. Try not to give throw-away responses such as ‘because I said so’, but instead justify yourself, telling your child that you don’t think a gift is suitable or is overpriced. You can try to compromise with older children by saying that you will contribute towards an expensive present if they make up the difference.

Parents who have to spend Christmas alone

If you will not get the chance to see your children on Christmas Day, and will be alone, see if you can make arrangements with your friends. If anyone close to you is in the same situation, why not organise to see them; volunteer or invite them round for lunch so that you will not be by yourself. Sometimes the parent living with the children can be caused stress by a non-resident parent who doesn’t want to see his or her children over the festive period, or is unreliable.

It can be heartbreaking to explain that their other parent won’t be visiting over Christmas, but it will be kinder if you remain positive, and try not to criticise him or her too much in front of the children, no matter how angry you feel.

Source: https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/coping-with-holidays/coping-with-christmas-when-your-divorced-or-separated/

Grandparents Affected by Adult Child Divorce

Responding to the trauma of grandparental alienation.

The importance of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives is a subject now being studied widely and thoroughly. Although researchers point to a wide heterogeneity of grand-parenting roles, for many children and their grandparents, the grandparent-grandchild attachment bond is an important component of their self-identities and a significant factor in their everyday lives. For many kids, this bond is a critical ingredient to their optimal development. The salience of the grandparent-grandchild attachment does not diminish during and after divorce; indeed, grandparents often play a vital role in helping grandchildren adjust to the consequences of parental divorce, providing a sanctuary for the emotional needs of their grandchildren at a time when parents, faced by the multiple losses and transitions attendant to divorce, may be less emotionally available and responsive to their children.

One of the lesser-mentioned advantages of co-parenting after divorce is that it can strengthen children's relationships with both sets of grandparents. One subgroup of grandparents, however, those whose adult children have been affected by parental alienation, are highly at risk of having their relationship with their grandchildren drastically altered if not completely severed. Although prevalent in North American society, such “grand-parental alienation” is rarely a source of professional discussion or concern, even among those who study or practice in the realm of parental alienation. For grandparents and children alike, where the previous relationship involved a good deal of emotional investment and healthy attachment, its loss may eventuate a grief process containing all the major elements of bereavement or trauma which is likely to have profound consequences.       

What are the responsibilities of divorce professionals in regard to the post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationship? Many have suggested that family mediators and post-divorce family practitioners need to expand their definition of the post-divorce family system, widening their target system of intervention from the nuclear to the extended post-divorce family. Family mediators and practitioners may also strive to engage both sets of grandparents, adopting an inter-generational model of practice with the post-divorce family. Such a model assumes that given the opportunity to participate in the divorce and post-divorce therapeutic process, grandparents are more likely to become important resources in both in the therapeutic endeavor and as supports to children adjusting to the consequences of their parents’ divorce. Grandparent involvement needs to be reframed in a positive manner, particularly in those cases where residential parents view grandparent contact as a threat to their new post-divorce identity.

The new roles and relationships that need to be negotiated in the extended post-divorce family should also extend to grandparents and extended family members.  This entails the recognition that grandparents are in a unique developmental stage with tasks that need to be addressed in conjunction with learning the new post divorce family rules. The therapist must assess the position of the grandparent in the family constellation both before the divorce and in light of the changes required in the post divorce family system. As well, factors such as the health status and age of the grandparents must be considered as they may limit the type and quantity of involvement with grandchildren. Grandparents and grandchildren must be given the right of self-determination in deciding how involved they wish to be with each other and other family members.

Family practitioners and mediators need to ensure that they provide assistance in helping grandparents negotiate their new roles as well as assisting them in regard to their ongoing relationship with their grandchildren. Excluding grandparents from mediation and post-divorce therapy may in fact exacerbate or even create intergenerational conflict. Family practitioners need to assist the entire kin system to develop new family guidelines as they learn to cope with the impact of divorce and subsequent impact on intergenerational relationships.

Family practitioner attitudes toward the involvement of grandparents vis-a-vis post-divorce family issues should be carefully examined, particularly in light of children’s needs and interests. It is only when mental health professionals begin to address the needs and advocate on behalf of the involvement of grandparents in divorce and post-divorce practice that we should begin to see increasing numbers of grandparents initiating requests for help. To date, the alienated grandparent population has remained largely invisible to post-divorce family practitioners and mediators.

An overriding concern of many grandparents today is that of access to their grandchildren. How can we begin to address their concerns? One approach is to empower grandparents in relation to access to their grandchildren. This can be done not only by therapeutic means but also by educating parents regarding the salience of grandparents to the child's emotional well-being during and after divorce. When adult children are divorcing it is imperative that the family be encouraged to seek out mediators who are sensitive to the needs of the extended post-divorce family system.

Family practitioners, mediators, and legal professionals are in a position to have considerable impact on post-divorce grandparent-grandchild relationships. By embracing the concept of the extended post-divorce family system and adopting a multi-generational approach in post-divorce work, these groups will serve to empower those grandparents whose relationship with their grandchildren is vital to both parties. As we recognize the salience of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives, both before and after divorce, the necessity of actively advocating on behalf of the grandparent population at the point of family divorce, particularly those grandparents who are most at risk of alienation, is critical.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201703/grandparents-affected-adult-child-divorce

5 Emotions You'll Experience When Your Child Divorces

Divorce is one of the realities of modern family life, but that doesn't mean that it's easy to handle. Other than a death or serious illness, news of the impending divorce of a child is probably the most devastating blow that a parent can receive, especially if there are grandchildren involved. If you’ve been on the receiving end of such news, you’ve probably experienced a wide range of emotions. These 5 emotional reactions are fairly standard for those in the situation of being a parent of a divorcing child.

Grief for Failed Dreams and Relationships

When a child divorces, a relationship dies, and their parents will typically grieve for that relationship. Your child will probably still have a relationship with the ex-spouse, but it will not be the loving and satisfying relationship that everyone hoped for when the couple married. Even if you had early doubts about the relationship, you undoubtedly hoped that your doubts would be proved false. That hope dies with the news of a divorce.

On the other hand, if you have a close and loving relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you are facing the potential loss of that relationship. Grief is a natural reaction to these circumstances, and you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process.

Guilt About Your Own Role

Most parents of a divorcing child have experienced trying to steer children out of a relationship that they think will not turn out well, and most have found it an exercise in futility.

Even though adult children are responsible for their own decisions, parents will almost certainly question themselves about whether they could have done something to avert this family disaster. If the parents of the divorcing child have been divorced or have had troubled relationships in their own pasts, perhaps they will feel that somehow they negatively affected their child's ability to sustain a marital relationship.

You should not allow yourself to fall into the trap of feeling guilty about the failure of your child's relationships. It’s impossible to go back and test what might have happened if things had been done differently, so feelings of guilt are non-productive and should be avoided whenever possible.

Divided Loyalties

It is very common to feel torn between your feelings for the divorcing parties, even though one is your own child. Parents know very well that their children have faults, and clear-eyed parents will recognize that their own child must bear some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. If you had developed a close relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you may even feel that your own child is largely at fault. On the other hand, some parents turn all of their sorrow and anger against the daughter- or son-in-law.

However you may feel that the blame should be portioned out, it is important to recognize two things. First, it is impossible to determine what really goes on between two people in a marriage. Second, it is not your role to determine blame. Try to steer your energies in more positive directions, such as spending quality time with your child and grandchildren during this difficult period.

Worries About What the Future May Hold

Uncertainty about the future almost always engenders worry. Suddenly, nothing in the future of your child and grandchildren seems secure. A divorce can impact employment, emotional stability, geographic location, and a host of other factors. You need to focus on what is constant: your love for your child and grandchildren. The classic advice to focus on the things one cannot change and accept the things one cannot change is certainly good advice in this situation. Those who believe in a higher power may find some solace in thinking of the future as being in the hands of that higher power.

Fear of Losing Touch With Grandchildren

Closely akin to worry, fear is also a natural reaction to a divorce in the family. One of the major fears of those in this situation is a loss of access to their grandchildren, especially if custody seems likely to go to the parent who is not their child.

This is not an unreasonable fear, as statistics show that many grandparents lose contact with grandchildren after a divorce. This is one area, however, in which you can take some meaningful action. Although you certainly cannot ensure a continuing relationship with your grandchildren, you can take steps to make it more likely, such as avoiding blame and staying as neutral as possible.

Other Grandparent Stresses

Stress in the grandparenting role is not uncommon in this situation. Grandparenting is not always easy or fun and many grandparents face major challenges in their grandparent roles. Long-distance grandparents experience significant emotional effects, as do the grandparents of grandchildren with special needs.

Grandparents who are dealing with the divorce of a child should seek assistance if their sadness becomes overwhelming, especially if it is preventing a normal life. Seeking counseling or joining a support group may be helpful. It's crucial that you take care of yourself so that you can help your children and grandchildren through this difficult time.

Source: https://www.liveabout.com/emotions-when-your-child-divorces-1695755

Make shared parenting mandatory: Activists

New Delhi, June 16 (IANS) Activists, fighting for shared parenting in case of divorce or separation, on Friday demanded a law to make shared parenting mandatory seeking punishment for parents who disobey the court orders regarding child visitation.

“Ahead of Father’s Day, we are demanding implementation of the Law Commission of India 2015 report that provides equal legal status and joint custody of the children to both parents,” Kumar V. Jahgirdar, founder and president of the Child Rights Initiative for Shared Parenting (CRISP), told IANS.

He said the joint custody of a child has to be made mandatory by reforming family laws.
Bengaluru-based CRISP — whose activists from its regional chapters in Chandigarh, New Delhi, Chennai, Hyderabad, Mumbai and Lucknow will observe silent protests and awareness campaigns on International Father’s Day that falls on every third Sunday of June (June 18 this year) — is pushing for reforms in family laws.

Jahgirdar, who is seeking adequate paternity leave just like women, said these days when both parents are working, the role of the father in nurturing a child has become all the more important.

“The central government has to introduce a bill in the ensuing session of Parliament on shared parenting with necessary amendments in guardianship and custody laws as recommended by the Law Commission irrespective of the child’s gender,” he said.
The two laws — the Guardians and Wards Act of 1890 and the Hindu Minority and Guardianship Act of 1956 — at present decide the custody of children in divorce cases.
According CRISP estimates, more than 25,000 divorce cases are pending in family courts in Bangalore alone. In the country, the figure totals over 500,000.

The parents of the estranged couples have their own woes.

Sudha Rajashekar, who heads the grandparents’ wing of CRISP, said separate visitation rights have to be provided to the senior citizens as they are deprived of seeing their grandchildren.

She told IANS there is need for change in the existing laws on rights of grandparents along with the fathers.

Jahgirdar’s NGO has also been demanding a separate union ministry for children and to de-link from the existing Ministry of Women and Child Development since the objectives of both women and children are different.

It is seeking an end to discrimination between maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents and has demanded that family courts treat both equally.

Source: http://www.india.com/news/agencies/make-shared-parenting-mandatory-activists-2241563/