What to Say About an Absent Dad

"Dad questions" come suddenly and at unlikely moments.

Unfortunately, there are no magic answers to your kids' questions because the circumstances that lead to solo mothering differ widely.

For some moms, solo motherhood was a deliberate life choice. Such moms may have used reproductive technology or simply planned their pregnancies with a cooperative partner. Other women become solo moms by chance. What began as a shocking surprise evolves into a welcome and life-changing event. Divorced moms often cope with dads who are only inconsistently present or entirely absent in their kids' lives. Other divorced dads rush into another relationship and create "new" families that sadly – and predictably – don't include the kids from a previous marriage. Exclusive relationships sometimes break up leaving the mom unexpectedly and disproportionately responsible for raising the kids.

If you feel angry or upset just anticipating these questions, make addressing your own emotional needs a priority.

Begin by writing down exactly what fuels your anger or brings tears to your eyes. Express your disappointments, regrets and sadness over how your expectations were never met. To add a healing and ritualistic touch, consider shredding or burning what you've written. If you decide to keep what you've written, take care your kids don't inadvertently stumble upon your private writings. If you chose to vent your feelings online, that's your personal choice.

No matter what path you choose, it's challenging to express and sort out painful feelings. If you feel overwhelmed or increasingly upset, seek help through a support group or from a mental health professional. Taking these brave steps forward will ensure you'll be ready to answer your kids' inevitable questions about their dad.

Here's what you need to know to get ready:

Know what to expect. Most kids begin asking Dad questions around the age of 4 or 5. Before that, kids believe all families are just like theirs. Kids at this age begin to notice different types of families at day care and at neighborhood or extended family gatherings. Of course, media influence kids' perceptions, too.

Begin the conversation by talking about what makes your family unique. Build on your kids' observations by talking up the unique advantages and positive qualities of different family types. Celebrating differences in other families sets the stage for your talks about your own unique family. Instill in your kids respect for the life choices other people make.

Keep your conversations age-appropriate. Stick to basic facts. Keep your explanations simple. Your kids are unlikely to understand what commitment, trust or intimacy mean. Reveal more information slowly as your kids mature. Avoid changing the subject when their questions persist or are posed at inopportune times. Kids often ask the same questions repeatedly. It's fine to say you simply don't know or to turn the question around and ask your kids what they think might be the answer. Above all, listen patiently to encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.

Don't lie. Lying never works. When kids eventually discover the truth, the loss of a present and loving dad will be compounded by their loss of trust in you.

Strive to remain positive. Keeping your message positive will be incredibly demanding, especially if their dad is neglectful or routinely dodges his responsibilities. Kids who have been neglected or abandoned will express rage, hurt and anger. Comfort them as only a mother can. Resist the urge to say things which may be factually true, but terribly hurtful to your kids.

Think long term. Staying positive to protect your kids requires all the strength and maturity you can muster. Look for opportunities to say positive and truthful things about their dad. Keep in mind that everything you say about Dad becomes part of how your kids view themselves. So, when you take the high road, your kids gain added measures of happiness and confidence. Think of harsh words about their dad as sharp arrows. Protect your kids from such wounding words just as you would protect them from physical danger.

Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-06-29/what-to-say-about-an-absent-dad

Children Without Fathers Are Likelier to Be Stressed

When a father is not physically present in a child’s life — due to death, divorce, incarceration or another reason — the child is more likely to have shorter telomeres, a part of human DNA that’s linked to stress and disease.

In the groundbreaking new study, researchers from the University of Princeton found that, at age 9, children who were in a fatherless situation had telomeres that were 14 percent shorter on average than other children whose fathers were not absent.

Telomeres, which mark the end point of a chromosome, “are thought to reflect cell aging and overall health,” report the researchers. The main job of telomeres is to protect DNA after a cell divides. Other studies have implicated shortened telomeres with heart disease and cancer.

To gain their findings, the Princeton researchers analyzed a group of about 5,000 children whose health and social status have been under observation for more than a dozen years. While they found that the absence of a father was linked to shorter telomeres no matter the cause, the most significant impact appears to occur in situations where the father has died. In that case, telomere length was 16 percent shorter on average.

The researchers surmise that financial hardship and emotional duress may be contributing to the children’s stress marks in their DNA.

“The father is being removed from the life of the child and that is plausibly associated with an increase in stress, for both economic and emotional reasons,” said Notterman, a senior research scholar and lecturer with the rank of professor of Molecular Biology.

The researchers discovered that the biggest adverse impact occurred among boys who lost their fathers before the age of 5. Overall, the impact on boys appears to be of a larger magnitude than on girls.

The study holds wide implications for public policy, notes Notterman.

“The fact that there is an actual measurable biological outcome that is related to the absence of a father makes more credible the urgency of public policy efforts to maintain contact between children and fathers,” he said.

Such social policy, such as high incarceration rates, would inevitably come into scope given the short-term negative impact that an absent father has on a child.

“The importance of these findings for research on the social sources of health — and health disparities — in the United States can hardly be overstated,” said Christopher Wildeman, an associate professor of Policy Analysis and Management in the College of Human Ecology at Cornell University and the co-director of the National Data Archive on Child Abuse and Neglect.

“By showing that three causes of paternal absence decrease telomere length, a core biological indicator of health, the authors are able to provide insight into a direct biological channel through which paternal absence could affect the health of their children,” Wildeman added.

Notterman also hopes that the study gives public policy experts more insight into challenging and complex life situations faced by many children throughout the United States.

“We all know that resources are limited and are becoming more limited,” Notterman said. “But by understanding that a social and familial phenomenon — the loss of a father — has biological effects which are plausibly linked with the future well-being of a child, we now have a rationale for prioritizing resource allocations to the children who are most vulnerable.”

Source: https://vitalupdates.com/children-without-fathers-likelier-stressed/