I was 47 when my divorce occurred. Not 50 but by the time the divorce process had resolved itself I felt closer to seventy. I learned very quickly that handling stress during my middle years was not as easy as it had been in my twenties or thirties. I just didn’t bounce back the way I used to.
I found myself spending a lot of time focused on where my life would lead me, what was next and how I would find the emotional strength needed to “get on” with my life.
For months, I had no plan and paid no attention to what needed to be done for me in order to rebuild and start living again, on my own and on my own terms.
That is the most crushing aspect of divorce after 50. Picking up and starting over after the loss of decade’s worth of plans and thinking your life has been mapped out and all is in order. Change is uncomfortable when it comes to a change that touches every aspect of your life there is no word to describe the emotional challenge one faces. And, that is what divorce after 50 does; it touches every aspect of your life.
I remember sitting at my breakfast table one morning, staring out the window feeling sorry for myself. Out of the blue, I realized that the choice I was making to wallow in my predicament would play a role in the quality of my life, that day and each day moving forward. And it wouldn’t be a positive role!
I knew I had to put conscious effort into moving forward and making the second half of my life something worth living.
From that day forward I started making different choices in the way I viewed the divorce, the damage I thought my ex had done and the opportunities open to me in the future.
Below are a few suggestions, things you can do to keep you from getting stuck if you divorce after fifty:
1. Let go of your need to blame:
Divorce can be emotionally and financially devastating, especially for those over fifty. Your ex may have left you for another woman. They may have used adversarial attorneys during the divorce process to strip you financially. As hard as this is to understand once the divorce process is over, what happened during the process is in the past.
Blaming your ex for something that you can’t go back and change keeps you stuck in the past and stagnated in the present. If you have anger toward your ex don’t feed it by focusing energy on the anger. Extinguish it and put it out by refusing to allow it to take up space in your head.
Don’t spend time accusing your ex of wrong-doing, engaging in conflict with your ex and allowing the anger to hold you back from better things. Like I've said, the past can't be undone but, the future is yours for the making. Look straight ahead, set your sites and start rebuilding your life.
2. Admit your own mistakes:
It takes two to make a marriage and, two to break a marriage. One may be more responsible than the other for the demise of the marriage but, you played a role. It may have been a small role but you do yourself a disservice by not taking responsibility for the role you played in the marital problems.
You can’t learn from the adversity of divorce if you don’t admit to flaws and failures of your own. You can’t move forward and make productive choices in life if you continue to hold onto behavior patterns that helped lead to the demise of the marriage.
Take an in-depth, internal inventory and put effort into changing the negative behaviors that you are responsible for. Only then will you become fully in control of the quality of life you will live post-divorce.
3. Control only what you have control over:
A huge mistake most people make is attempting to control something they have no control over. You need to recognize those things that are beyond your control and stop trying to control them. This calls for you to be realistic about what should and shouldn’t be in your control. For instance:
- You can’t control who your ex spends time with,
- You can’t control their behavior toward you; you can control your response to their behavior,
- You can’t control what your ex says about you, you can control your response to what they say,
- You can’t control those who take sides in your divorce.
Basically, you can control your own actions and behaviors and it is those things that will determine the course your life will take in the future. What you are tasked with is moving your life forward regardless of your circumstances.
Getting caught up in the blame game, denial of your own flaws and attempting to control what is out of your control keeps you stuck. It takes a conscious effort to heal from a late-life divorce. Changing the way you view your situation and making purposeful choices will help you move more quickly toward healing and a life that brings you peace of mind and happiness.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/gray-divorce-dont-let-divorce-after-50-keep-you-stuck-1103023
Advice for navigating a late-in-life split
Divorce is never easy, but couples over 50 who end their marriages face particular hurdles. Below, people who went through a late-in-life divorce share six things they would tell their younger selves, offering ways others can learn from their experiences:
“I wish I had known how the divorce would impact my oldest children even more than my youngest still at home.” Gail Konop, a 57-year-old yoga studio owner whose 2011 divorce ended a 25-year marriage, said her son who lived at home slowly got used to her new reality, which wasn’t as easy for her adult daughters. “He got to see us as individuals living in his life. He saw how there was less stress, and he got used to it. But my daughters are coming home periodically and they couldn’t keep up with the changes.” At one point, Konop says her daughter announced, “I don’t want to come home anymore — it’s so weird.” If you’re considering a divorce and kids are involved, don’t assume you are sparing your children by holding on, only to divorce once they’re out of the house.
“I wish I’d explored the job market before I separated; I think I would have worked harder to try to keep the marriage together if I’d realized just how bleak things are out here.” For older adults, especially women who have been out of the workforce, re-entering it can be more even more challenging than they expect. Look into getting advice from financial and career counselors to consider your options for long- and short-term planning post-divorce. Beth Hodges, a family law attorney at Horack Talley in Charlotte, N.C ., says the input of those experts can be helpful when negotiating the amount of alimony and property settlement.
“Sometimes when we’re negotiating, I have a client who wants to get her degree to increase her earning capacity. We’ll find out what the cost would be to go back to school and get statistics on what type of income my client can expect to receive once she finishes,” which then gets figured into the settlement package, so the main breadwinner will pay for her education instead of alimony.
“I wish I had known how painful it would be.” Kelly James, a ghostwriter who was 50 when she divorced after 19 years of marriage, was surprised by how long it took her to adjust to the loneliness of living alone.
“Even if you don’t have the happiest of marriages, there’s something comforting about having someone in your home, your bed. I’m lonely sometimes and miss being part of a twosome,” says James. “It’s also difficult to not have my kids with me all the time — their dad and I do a good job of co-parenting, but I miss them when they’re at his house.”
In addition to suggesting the pursuit of new hobbies and volunteer opportunities, Hodges recommends therapists to her clients as a way of helping them adjust to their new life. “[Divorce] is a very traumatic, life-rattling experience, especially if you’ve been married for 25 to 35 years,” says Hodges. She reassures her clients that in time, they’ll not only recover, but emerge stronger. “[Divorce] can be transformative,” says Hodges. She tells her clients, “‘You’re going to survive and feel better about yourself and about your future.’ Almost to a person they’ll come back to me and say, ‘You were absolutely right.’”
“I didn’t think my friends would actually bail on me, but I was wrong.” Lynn Cohen, a Chicago-area divorce attorney who serves on the board of the women’s divorce support nonprofit The Lilac Tree, sees it all the time with her older female clients: “A lot of their friends cut them off — even their best friends. You might keep one or two close friends, but that whole crowd is not going to be there. They’ll help you while you’re going through [the divorce] but not after it’s done.”
She advises her clients to get ahead of this social shift and be proactive about expanding their networks by joining groups that set up travel opportunities for single people, and by volunteering. “If you’re not active in your community and giving back, you’re kind of by yourself,” Cohen notes. She also cautions against relying too heavily on divorced friends. “Every divorce is a different set of facts and circumstances and must be viewed individually. They’ll say, ‘When I was divorced, I was able to get everything in the house.’ That’s unnerving and usually bad advice. I tell people that they’re going to have to make their own life,” says Cohen.
“I wish I had known how expensive it would be.” James was shocked that her uncontested, relatively conflict-free collaborative divorce still cost nearly $35,000.
“In retrospect, a ‘traditional’ would have probably been a lot less expensive,” she says. Collaborative divorce eschews adversarial strategies and litigation. Cohen advises consulting a divorce attorney as soon as a client suspects she or he may need one to get a jump on figuring out how to pay for the divorce and life after. Alimony may be sparse if a couple already living on retirement savings splits, so would-be divorcées may need time for their exit strategy.
Hodges has a simple tip when it comes to saving divorce attorney fees: stay off the phone. “Sometimes clients run up their bills because they’re constantly calling us and engaging us in half-hour consultations. We’re there to counsel and provide guidance to a client, but there is a cost,” says Hodges.
The first thing you should do when hiring an attorney, she says, is “Ask questions about the attorney’s billing practices, how the lawyer charges. If there are things you can do for the attorneys, like gathering financial information, you can save money by doing that yourself.”
“I wish I had known how liberating it would be — and how that can be a little scary.” Says Konop: “Being only responsible for myself (and my kids) has let me make decisions based on what I want. From little decisions like what to hang on the wall of my house to bigger ones like where to travel and what kinds of projects to do on the house, is all up to me. That feels good but can also be overwhelming. It was like I had a second adolescence. I had so much fun, I knew myself so much better. At first, it was really nerve-racking and the dating world had changed. It was energizing (until it got exhausting.)”
Source: https://www.marketwatch.com/story/divorce-after-50-what-i-wish-i-had-known-beforehand-2017-12-06
It’s not easy growing old, and here’s one more piece of evidence. Divorce rates in the United States are declining—except for people over 50. Twenty years ago, just one in 10 spouses who split was age 50 or older; today, according to Dr. Susan Brown, professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University and co-author of The Gray Divorce Revolution, it is one in four. “If late-life divorce were a disease,” says Jay Lebow, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, “it would be an epidemic.”
Why this surge in break-ups? As people live longer, they have more opportunities to grow—and grow apart. As the kids grow up and move out, the glue that holds many marriages together dissolves. With more women working and becoming financially independent, and some of them out-earning their spouses, there is no longer a financial imperative to stay together. And with societal mores changing, there’s less stigma to ending a marriage and living as a single.
The Financial Fall-out of Divorcing After 50
Divorce at this age can be financially devastating. The cost of living is considerably more when you’re single rather than when two of you share expenses, 40% to 50% higher than for couples on a per person basis, according to the American Academy of Actuaries. More worrisome, a mid- to later-life split can shatter retirement plans. There’s less time to recoup losses, pay off debt, and weather stock market gyrations. In addition, you may be approaching the end of your peak earning years, so there’s less of a chance of making up financial shortfalls with a steady salary.
These concerns are magnified for women. After a divorce, household income drops by about 25% for men and more than 40% for women, according to U.S. government statistics. What's more, as women’s life expectancy climbs into the 80s, a divorced woman can find herself living a lot longer with a lot less.
Ten Common Divorce Mistakes
Divorce proceedings can pull the plug on your retirement dreams: legal fees, therapist bills and single-handedly shouldering bills you once shared can drain your savings. You can protect your financial future by avoiding these seven all-too-common mistakes:
1. Failing to create an inventory of assets. Often one partner has a better understanding of the couple's finances than the other. This person likely has a solid idea of how much money their investment accounts hold, the value of their assets and how much cash is in their savings accounts, while the other partner isn't as up to speed. If you're the latter person, you'll want to take an inventory of all the assets before attempting to split them up. In addition to knowing what's in your bank accounts, you should also track your retirement accounts and life insurance policies.
2. Holding onto the house. If you end up with the family home, think long and hard about whether to keep it. It may be your refuge, and not moving might seem less disruptive for any children still living at home, but it can also be a money pit, especially with only one person paying for the upkeep, property taxes and emergency repairs. Before deciding to stay, figure out if you can afford the mortgage, as well as the costs associated with maintaining the property. Also keep in mind that property values fluctuate, so don’t assume you can sell your house for the amount you need if money becomes an issue. (For related reading, see: Divorce and Mortgage Payments: What You Need to Know.)
3. Not knowing what you owe. Promising “to have and to hold” can bounce back to bite you. In the nine states with community property laws—Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin—you’ll be held responsible for half of your spouse’s debt even if the debt isn’t in your name. Even in non–community-property states, you may be liable for jointly held credit cards or loans. Get a full credit report for both you and your spouse, so there are no surprises about who owes what.
4. Ignoring tax consequences. Just about every financial decision you make during a divorce comes with a tax bill. Should you take monthly alimony or a lump sum payment? Is it better to have the brokerage account or the retirement plan? Keep the house or sell it? And who should pay the mortgage until it sells? You may be excited to know your soon-to-be-ex will be handing over an investment account with gains of $100,000, but that portfolio comes with a tax hit, lowering the amount you'll receive. Even providing child support can have tax implications, so consult an accountant or tax advisor to determine what makes the most sense for your situation before divvying up assets. (For related reading, see: 7 Divorce Tax Traps.)
5. Forgetting about health insurance. If you’ve been covered by your spouse’s policy, you may be in for a nasty—and expensive—surprise, especially if you divorce before Medicare kicks in at age 65. Basically, there are three options: You can be covered through your own employer; you can sign up for your state’s health care exchange under the Affordable Care Act; or you can continue to use your ex's existing coverage through COBRA for up to 36 months, but the cost is likely to be substantially more than it was before the divorce. If new, separate health insurance policies threaten to break the bank, you may want to consider a legal separation so you can keep your ex’s health insurance but separate your other assets.
6. Rolling over your ex’s retirement account into an IRA. IRA laws trump the financial exigencies of divorce: If you fund your own IRA with your share of your ex’s retirement account and tap it before age 59.5, you’ll still be hit with the standard 10% early withdrawal penalty. One solution: Protect the assets in your divorce settlement through a qualified domestic relations order (QDRO), which allows you to make a one-time withdrawal from your ex’s 401(k) or 403(b) without paying the normal 10% tax, even if you’re under age 59.5.
7. Supporting your adult children. No matter how much you’d like to help your kids, your first priority is to ensure you have a healthy retirement income.
8. Hiding assets from your spouse. In divorces where a lot of money is at stake, you may be tempted to try to hide assets so it looks like you have less money to contribute. Doing this is not only shady, it's illegal and could set you up for more legal fees and court time if the assets are found. Some of the repercussions for hiding assets from your spouse include a settlement that will give your spouse additional assets, a contempt of court ruling, or fraud or perjury charges.
9. Underestimating your expenses. When the income that once covered one set of household expenses is suddenly divided in two, you may have to make some changes to your spending to afford your daily and monthly expenses. Take a realistic look at how much money you'll need to live on and make sure you can cover all of your expenses after the divorce without relying on your ex.
10. Thinking your divorce advisors are your friends. What you pay your divorce advisors comes out of the settlement you get. Keep track of how much they are spending on your behalf. Remember that your lawyer is not a generous confidante whom you can thank with a cup of coffee, but a paid professional who is billing you by the hour.
The Bottom Line
Divorce can be devastating at any age, but with careful planning and by avoiding these all-too-common mistakes, you can save yourself from financial heartbreak in the future. (For more, watch: Getting Divorced? Here's the Financial Info You Need.)
Source: https://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/mistakes-avoid-when-divorcing-over-50/
"If I can do it, anyone can. Life is short, be happy."
Carol Johnson has tried her hardest to look for a silver lining in getting a divorce at 58. After three decades with her ex-husband, adjusting to this new normal has been anything but easy. But slowly, she's started to re-embrace life.
"I may be just another 58-year-old baby-boomer divorcé, but I try to look at it this way: life is short -- you might as well smile through it," Johnson, a San Diego-based social media specialist and blogger, told The Huffington Post.
Below, Johnson, who expects to have her divorce finalized this year, shares her uplifting story of starting over again.
I should have seen it coming. The gym workouts, the new Porsche, then the final phase: he wanted a divorce after 30 years together.
I had given up my career, like so many women do, to raise our children and help build our lives together. So in a way, I actually lost my job and my husband on the same day. I felt like I had put 30 years into a dead-end job and now I had gotten fired. Who was going to hire a woman my age? I knew he wouldn’t be writing me a letter of recommendation.
It was a quite a shock after being married for so many years to be single, this time with teenagers. Our married friends turned away from me like divorce was something you could catch. I felt old, lonely and discarded. The house felt really empty, so we bought a cat to bring another living thing into our lives.
I knew I couldn’t spend too much time mourning a marriage that was obviously over. I really believe you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be unhappy, and I decided on happiness. It was scary and yet kind of exhilarating to think I had the chance to start over again. The one part I wasn’t so thrilled about was being dumped back into the stagnant dating pool at 58.
Eventually, I started taking better care of myself. As I was getting my hair cut I overheard the man next to me talking about his online dating experiences. He actually called his dates "meetings." At this point, he had been to so many "meetings," he was afraid he'd slip up one day and the women would know they weren't the only one. He made it sound so easy and fun that I went home and signed myself up on a few dating sites.
At first, online flirting is kind of fun. Then I started scheduling my own "meetings" for coffee. I treated them like job interviews so I wouldn’t be nervous. It's great trying to match the men to their online photos; believe me, some haven't updated their photos in years. I met a lot of nice people and heard some great stories. But the difficult part of dating at this age is that everyone has some kind of baggage. The men you date will probably be paying alimony themselves and having teenagers is sometimes like kryptonite -- some men want nothing to do with you -- but that's OK. You keep looking.
Today, as the divorce process wraps up, I am busy reinventing myself. I am writing and working and I blog. My smaller family has grown closer and we are starting to travel together. I know that I am a lucky woman.
To anyone going through a divorce at this age, please know that baby boomer divorces are skyrocketing, so you are far from alone. (In fact, you're part of the gray divorce trend.) In the wake of your divorce, try something new, reinvent yourself. Believe me, if I can do it, anyone can. Life is short, be happy.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/what-its-like-to-get-a-divorce-and-start-over-at-58_us_55f84fc5e4b09ecde1d9d303
So long Shirley Valentine, it’s the turn of the men.
The phenomenon of older women ditching their husbands in mid-life, which inspired the tale of a middle-aged woman who finds new love on a Greek island, has been turned on its head.
New figures show that men are driving mid-life divorce as their earnings make them more attractive to younger women.
The proportion of so-called "silver splitters" who end their marriages in their 50s and 60s has increased.
One report, by think tank the International Longevity Centre, found that from 1990 to 2012, the number of over-60s getting divorced rose by over 85 per cent.
Now divorce experts have suggested that men could be driving this pattern as they reach their peak earning power and women worry about the financial implications of splitting up.
In every age group until 45, more women are divorcing than men. But the pattern changes in over-45s, when men overtake women.
For those aged over 60, 9,443 men divorced compared to 5,783 women. Older men are now divorcing in greater numbers, while women's average age has remained static.
The ONS said: "In 2014, the number of divorces was highest among men aged 45 to 49 and women aged 40 to 44.
"This represents a change for men, since between 2005 and 2013, divorces were highest among men aged 40 to 44."
Ellen Walker, a solicitor at Hall Brown Family Law, said increasing financial independence and concerns about the well-being of children meant younger women were more inclined to exit troubled marriages than men of the same age.
Younger female clients often want to minimise the distress caused to children still at home who witness domestic disputes.
However, the picture reversed as husbands’ earnings reached their peak and children left home. In its report, the ILC warned that growing mid-life divorce could have a serious effect on women's finances, as they were likely to earn less and have a smaller pension.
It said that divorce "may lead to financial difficulties, especially for women who may have been stay at home mums who do not have much by way of long-term savings of their own."
It added: "While rising labour force participation has helped to reduce the financial dependence of women on their spouse, the story is complicated with evidence of a continuing gender divide between men and women in terms of pay, particularly at older ages, and a low proportion of women saving for retirement."
Last year TUC analysis found that the gender pay gap was widest between men and women in their 50s, with women of this age group earning £8,504 less a year than men on average.
Previous analysis has also suggested that men reach the peak of their earning power in their early 50s. Ms Walker said that middle-aged women were now more likely to try to keep troubled marriages going because of these money worries.
She said: “There is a stark difference from the mid-forties onwards. With children grown and parental responsibilities seemingly discharged, it is men who are far more likely to lead the divorce process.
“In our experience, this often coincides with the point at which men reach their peak earning potential and, therefore, the possibility of being able to afford to start a new life.
“That increasing income and seniority at work can also increase their appeal to the opposite sex, including among younger women, perhaps placing troubled relationships even further in peril.”
According to the ONS, the difference is also partly explained by the traditional age disparity between couples. It said: "More women than men divorced below the age of 45; at older ages more men than women divorced.
"This pattern reflects the fact that on average men marry women who are younger than themselves."
A breakdown of who petitioned for divorce by age is not available, but the figures do suggest that fewer women asking for divorce is the main driver of a declining divorce rate.
ONS figures show that the overall number of women petitioning and being granted a divorce tumbled from 105,177 in 2004 to 69,803 in 2014, while figures for men fell by just 6,000, from 47,580 to 41,364. During the same period, the overall number of divorces granted fell from 152,923 to 111,169.
Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/27/longshirleyvalentine-turn-men-divorce/
