Co-parenting with your ex is often the hardest part of divorce. Here, two experts (both divorced moms themselves) share hard-won advice on creating a strong partnership.
1. Don't Despair, Accept
"People are so worried that splitting up will destroy their children's lives," says Wendy Paris, author of Splitopia: Dispatches from Today's Good Divorce and How to Part Well. But what kids really need to thrive, you can provide: Basic resources, stability, and parents who set limits, who are attentive, and who express love. "Children are going to be sad over a divorce, but the fact is that many things that happen in children's lives are upsetting."
If your son cries that he doesn't want to go to Daddy's house, "accompany" him in his emotions, says Paris. Acknowledge how difficult it must be for him. Then help shift his mindset by saying something like, "You're lucky to have a great Dad and I bet you'll have fun once you see him."
2. Think Quality Over Quantity
"You have a lot of control over the relationship you have with your child," says Paris, "and intimacy isn't based just on the number of hours you spend with him." In fact, Paris recommends not getting too hung up on a perfectly even 50/50 split between both parents. Instead, figure out a schedule that makes the most sense for everyone, and have confidence that you will be able to keep a close bond with your kids no matter what.
When she first divorced, Paris's son slept in her townhouse every night since he was just four years old, and her ex lived in a studio apartment. But to stay connected, her ex came by every day to take his son to school. In a move that earns them a co-parenting gold star, Paris and her ex shared Sunday dinner together with their son.
3. Keep Reviewing Logistics
As important as it is to set up a stable schedule, circumstances will continue to change, so be ready to renegotiate the details with your ex periodically. Paris checks in with her hers at the start of each school semester. To help her son feel more in control, she gave him his own big calendar on which he stamps "Mommy" days with a dolphin and "Daddy" days with a shark.
4. Cope with Loneliness
Time apart from your kids can be excruciatingly painful. Let yourself grieve this loss at first, says Christine Carter, Ph.D., a sociologist and senior fellow at UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center and the author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Then, fill the hours with activities that will make you the best parent you can be when you are with your kids: See your friends, exercise, get rest, and pursue hobbies that bring you joy. "It's always hard in the beginning, but having time for yourself is a silver lining of divorce," Carter says.
When your kids are with your ex, don't crash on their party because you miss them. Instead, find ways to see them without interfering: Since her ex would have otherwise had to hire a babysitter to do it, Carter picked up her daughters from school and dropped them at his house. She did him a favor and got a little time with her girls.
Don't forget to bring the friends you've been cultivating back into the fold when your kids are with you, adds Paris. "Single moms can isolate and not ask for help, but it's great for kids to have relationships with other adults." Members of Paris's synagogue come over to the house regularly. "It shows my son that he's part of a larger circle that cares about us."
5. Learn to Work with Your Ex
If you don't get along with your ex, reframe the situation by thinking of him as a colleague you dislike, says Carter. You may never be friends, but you'll have to learn how to solve problems together.
Meet in person when making big decisions, if possible, and keep a picture of your children right in front of you to stay focused on your shared higher purpose. Carter even recommends sitting on the same side of a table, rather than in opposition.
6. Tame Your Temper
Don't start texting or emailing when your ex does something that upsets you. "I keep a running list of grievances on my computer," says Paris, "and by the time I talk to my ex, most of them no longer seem important enough to bring up."
It's conventional wisdom by now to not disparage your ex in front of the kids, but that's easier said than done. "Remember that your child is half her father. When you call him a jerk, you're essentially calling her that," says Carter. Insulting and criticizing your ex won't get him to change his behavior anyway. "Most bad behavior comes from a wound or a misunderstanding."
Kind words can go a long way toward healing those hurts. Paris has heard many stories of how a co-parenting relationship drastically improved after one person issued a sincere apology to the other over a past conflict, or offered true praise of the other's parenting skills or other efforts.
7. Befriend His New Love
"Remarriage is the Russian Roulette of divorce," Carter says. Someone you have not vetted will be spending time raising your child—a thought that fills many parents with terror. "The unknown is scarier than the known," Carter says, so ask to meet the new girlfriend or spouse. Show vulnerability by telling her what worries you have, and ask about her expectations with regard to your kids. Being open and transparent can pave the way for a closer relationship and make it easier for your kids to be close to her, too. "The best case scenario is that your children form a secure attachment to her. That will make them happier in the long run." When her ex began dating his now-wife, Carter felt deflated after her daughters came home chattering excitedly about this woman who, yes, owns a horse AND teaches ice-skating. Despite feeling threatened, Carter forced herself to invite the woman over, and in time came to see her as a strong role model for her daughters. "On Mother's Day, I wrote her a long letter explaining how grateful I am that she's so awesome."
8. Stay Hopeful
After you've been through the ugliness of a split, your relationship with your ex might improve, says Paris. Some of his traits can now benefit your kids, without imposing on you. (They have someone to take them camping!) Even seeing a counselor together, an option for when you can't work out a co-parenting dilemma by yourselves, could prove much more effective this time around. "When you're trying to fix your marriage, you're aiming for a total personality overhaul," Paris says. "In divorce, you're just trying to change discrete behaviours."
Source: http://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/children/tips-for-better-co-parenting-after-divorce/
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalized.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
After giving advice recently, I was told, “But I’m not strong like you.” “I don’t know how you survived.” I replied, “You would have been strong, if you had to be,” and I continued, “Sometimes, being strong is the only choice you have.” Until this conversation, I had never given a lot of thought about our capacity to be strong, and I wondered — are we inherently strong, or do we become strong only after being tested through adversity?
I believe each of us has an innate capacity for strength and throughout our lives, we develop — through conditions we find ourselves in — the skills to be secure, passionate, formidable and determined. However, when we experience trauma and crisis, some of us lose those skills needed for determination, and in turn lose our capacity to “self-right.” Life is a little like math — we can’t skip algebra, or else geometry and calculus won’t make sense. Likewise, in life we can’t move past trauma, we must go through it, experience it fully, or we simply won’t have the information or the skills necessary to do well.
What Are the Traits That Make People Strong?
1. Resiliency:
Resiliency is the ability to adapt to life’s changes and crises. We generally feel safest when we have a sense of control or predictability; but when we find ourselves upside down and not in control, having the capacity to be resilient may be critical in weathering turmoil, and it may be the key to a healthy and productive life. Becoming more resilient means we must be able to be healthy, have energy and cultivate positive feelings during the hardest and darkest of times. When we can improve our problem-solving skills and cultivate the ability to see setbacks as opportunities, we can learn to successfully bounce back from stress, crises, and trauma. We become resilient in order to overcome the many adversities we will face and so that we can bounce back from those problems with more determination and skills, which can lead to better problem solving in the future.
2. Self-Esteem:
Life is filled with moments of bad luck, hardship, sorrow and setbacks. Overcoming adversity teaches us to be strong, survive and even thrive under the challenges of life. Those of us who have lived with and overcome obstacles have learned that there are times that require strong action — and when we step up to meet that need, we learn how to handle new situations, deal with great pain and stay stable and focused. When we face difficulty and disaster head-on and with fearlessness, we strengthen our self-esteem and develop self-confidence. On the other hand, giving in to the hardships — when we do not handle stress, are unable to endure pain, or are unsuccessful and choose to not stand up for ourselves — we are at risk for losing respect for ourselves, and our self-esteem will not thrive in these conditions.
3. Love:
Strength grows when we have people who love us enough to set limits so we stay out of danger, individuals to show us how to do things right and help us when we are in need. When we have role models who show concern and respect, and who help us be responsible for what we do, we begin to expect that things will be all right. There are situations when we find we are stronger for another’s behalf than we would be for ourselves. Mothers who resonate with a child’s internal state will, if needed, put their own safety and survival on hold for the sake of the child. We can learn through attachments and caring that there exists help when we need it the most, and that we are never truly alone — unless we choose to be. Showing our concern for others through devotion, compassion and tenderness supports our ability to find ways to solve problems that we will face, and to develop the skills needed to be strong.
4. Faith:
Faith is, at its core, firm convictions. Convictions are the beliefs that ground us and establish the circumstances in our life — optimism, hopefulness, tolerance and the belief in something. There are many people who don’t know what they really believe in. When you lack convictions, instability can create opportunities for weakness instead of strength. I’m suspicious that it is true: “If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.” Regardless of what is happening in your life, take a stand for what you believe in — and when we can stand firm when difficult times arrive and when we can hold it together when everyone would understand if we fell apart, we will develop a powerful strength within.
5. Acceptance:
To accept our strengths, weaknesses and that situations that will not change, is both wise and strong. We all have weaknesses, and when we address them we develop the ability to be tenacious in our resolve to become stronger; and at the same moment, we give ourselves permission to be human.
During challenging times, my husband will often give this advice, “Life is like a game of golf — It’s a constant game of recovery because sooner or later you will find yourself in the rough.” Any one of these traits — resiliency, self-esteem, love, faith or acceptance — can help us to become strong and recover from the “rough.” When we dedicate our efforts at developing more than one trait, however, we will see exponentially huge rewards in our life and the lives of those we share.
“The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!” — Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-durnell/inner-strength_b_2007318.html
“I think we should get a divorce,” I said, as I thought about what it would be like to sit for more than 30 seconds without listening to a mini-tyrant shouting demands.
“What?” my husband replied, while wrestling a shirt onto our son. Confusion, possibly laced with irritation, settled in the wrinkles near the middle of his forehead.
“A divorce. It would guarantee a break for both of us at least every other weekend. Or more. Think about it.”
“You’re crazy.”
Maybe, but I wasn’t entirely joking. My divorced friends have more time to themselves now than they ever did while married. They have a contractual, court-ordered decree that guarantees them four days (or more) every month without children … or a spouse. It sounds like some sort of Tahitian getaway. Where do I sign up?
I love my kids, but raising two spirited children under the age of 5 leaves very little downtime. I’m on my feet the second they open their eyes and for the 15 hours that follow. Grappling matches over everything from who owns a broken Dory toy to who gets the sliver of crust from my turkey sandwich are hourly occurrences.
Divorce would give me at least a day or two to sleep in, clear my head and recover from the parenting marathon I run most days. There would no objections or surprises, because I’d have an official paper that states: “It’s your turn. I’m off this weekend.”
Even when my husband and I are both home, it’s exhausting. They say it takes a village, but at our house, it takes a tag team jacked up on Red Bull and 12 shots of espresso. Even those wear off before the kids wear down, and at 7 p.m. — the period we call “the storm before the calm” — both kids catch a second wind and turn the marathon into a sprint. We put on happy faces, but at that point, we’re both running on fumes.
My husband doesn’t work a typical 40-hour schedule. It’s not unusual for him to leave at 7:30 a.m. and arrive home well after the kids have gone to bed. In many ways, I’m like a single parent. On the days he is home, there’s life to catch up on: yard work, bills, grocery shopping, excursions with the kids. We don’t have time for ourselves, together or alone.
We also don’t have family nearby who can bail us out or fill in on the occasional date night. Given that our kids are a handful, we don’t trust a random babysitter. If they push us to the brink of throwing on some sneakers and taking off like Forrest Gump, imagine someone who is not bonded by blood, or love, watching them for a few hours. The risk is not worth the reward.
Our options are limited, and divorce seems to have some benefits. And I’m not being silly or selfish.
According to a study published in the journal Demography, happiness has a scientific correlation with being a parent. The study revealed that before having kids and during pregnancy, people were pretty darn happy. After? Not so much. Parenthood surpassed other major life events, such as divorce and unemployment, in causing drops on the happiness scale. Maybe if more parents had a chance to catch their breath, the real smiles would return. I can vouch for that.
Research also shows that divorce is not all that devastating for most children. Sure, it comes with some consequences and a huge adjustment period, but overall, kids bounce back. A 20-year study conducted by psychologist Constance Ahrons, and published in her book “We’re Still Family,” showed that about 80 percent of children of divorce adapt well and have no lasting negative effects on their grades, social lives or mental health.
Child-development expert and Cambridge University professor Michael Lamb analyzed thousands of studies conducted over the past four decades. He concluded that children do well when their parents or caregivers get along. But those parents don’t need to be married or living in the same house.
So where does that leave parents, like me, who are in desperate need of a break? Ending the marriage could be the answer. Debunking the long-standing belief that divorce does not make people happier, a recent study suggests that while it can be difficult, it’s well worth it for some individuals.
While I’m desperate for a little me time, I don’t think I’m one of those people. Despite feeling somewhat envious of happy divorcées, I’m committed to my husband and children. I don’t need a divorce; I need a break. And there are better ways to get some time alone. (If only the bedroom closet offered room service.)
A few days ago, my husband asked, “Were you serious about getting a divorce?” I smiled and shrugged my shoulders as the kids spun around my feet.
While I’ve toyed with the idea of the every-other-weekend divorce vacation, I’m married for the long haul. I owe it to myself, my husband and the kids. But on the off chance that I decide to don sneakers and long, rogue chin hairs, I won’t be trekking across the country. If I run away, I’m heading for Tahiti.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2017/03/02/parenting-would-be-so-much-easier-if-my-husband-and-i-got-divorced/?utm_term=.5cae95711b3d
Social media has become really significant in divorce cases
Lately, there have been a flood of studies suggesting how social media is bad for us, but now it appears it's actually breaking up marriages. According to research that was commissioned by a law firm, social media, especially Facebook, is a factor in one out of seven divorces. That puts all those engagement announcements and wedding pictures that pop up in your feed into perspective, doesn't it?
Social media is a veritable breeding ground for competition and jealousy among friends and random acquaintances, so it would only make sense that it would spark similar feelings among couples. If there are already problems in a marriage, it's simply too easy to read into a harmless interaction between your spouse and a friend, and turn it into a reason to have it out with them.
While it's understandable that a couple's online social behavior would cause the occasional tiff, it's hard to believe it could lead to divorce in a number of cases. That in essence is why the firm of Slater and Gordon set out to determine its actual effect on the divorces they handle. They were noticing a significant rise in how often social media was mentioned as a trigger for divorce by their clients, especially considering it was not a factor at all just five years ago.
According to Andrew Newbury, a lawyer at Slater and Gordon, "Social media is the new marriage minefield. Social media, specifically pictures and posts on Facebook, are now being routinely raised in divorces."
Snapchat is also a big Pandora's box for couples, because its design is already secretive. You could potentially be sending tons of sexy photos to someone, and your spouse can never find the evidence, because it just disappears. One self-proclaimed cheating expert says Snapchat is the best way to cover your tracks, but that in turn makes partners even more suspicious of it.
It all seems to come down to trust, or rather lack of trust in unstable marriages. If these unstable couples have access to each other's social media accounts, it's too much of a temptation not to go rooting around, searching for a partner's guilty secrets. Even if a couple is relatively happy, sometimes curiosity gets the better of someone, and they open up a can of worms (aka the private message box).
According to a survey conducted by Censuswide which polled 2,011 husbands and wives, the most common reason married people check their spouse's social media accounts is to find out whether or not they're talking to a "marriage threat."
Moreover, on a less devious note, the research conducted by the law firm found one in five couples fight over something that showed up on social media every day. No wonder divorce rates are on the rise! It's like a constant stream of ammunition that couples can easily use against each other, if they so choose.
These fights most often come out of contact with an ex, secret private messages and posting "inappropriate" photos. It all just feels like a vicious cycle to me. If one person gets irked by a comment (regardless of whether or not it means anything) and then goes searching for more evidence of infidelity, it starts a snowball effect of sneaky behavior. If their partner gets wise to the snooping, they'll probably change their password, which will in turn make the snooper even more suspicious of them. My motto is, if you're looking for something, you'll likely find it, and that can never lead anywhere good.
Just like how the tone of text messages can get misconstrued, so can anything you find on your spouse's Facebook wall. So do yourself a favor — if you're overall happy in your relationship, but you see something that makes you second-guess it, talk it out rather than play detective. It might save you from having to explain how a winky face emoji led to you filing for divorce in front of a judge.
Source: http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1082692/social-media-is-causing-divorce
You can’t control what people say, but you don’t have to let their words destroy you.
You’d like to believe that people would be kind and compassionate to you when you’re getting divorced. After all it is one of the most stressful things you can go through.
And sometimes you’re lucky, and people are kind and compassionate. But there are always those people who say the most awful things.
Here are just a few of the horrible comments my clients have reported they’ve been told:
“Just get over your divorce already!” – a helping professional, a friend, and a family member
“I knew he was still cheating on you when you reconciled, but I didn’t want to tell you since you were trying to make it work.” – a friend
“Why do you care if he’s seeing someone else? You left him.” – a friend AND a family member
“I don’t know why you married her in the first place. I never liked her.” – a parent
“Oh my GOD! You’ll NEVER make it on your own with those kids. You never should have had them.” – a friend
What’s most painful about this horrible shit that people say is WHO is saying it.
It’s your family. It’s your friends. And it can even be the helping professional you’ve turned to for help.
So on top of the dismantling of your marriage, all the legalities of getting divorced, needing to redefine your relationship with your ex, learning how to co-parent, helping your kids deal with the divorce, and everything else that you’ve got to do to rebuild your life after divorce, you’ve also got to deal with the betrayal of these people you thought you could turn to.
This is exactly when you start to wonder who you can still trust.
Getting divorced is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever experience. And yet it can also be one of the most important turning points in your life.
If you know how to deal with the BS that others throw in your direction, you’ll come out of your divorce stronger than ever. And the strength you build now will make your post-divorce life amazing.
So how do you deal with the shit? You keep a few important points in mind.
If they’ve never been divorced, don’t expect them to have anything important to say to you about yours.
Most people who have never been divorced only have TV, magazines and the movies as reference for what getting divorced is like. They have ZERO idea of how long it takes to get over a divorce or how painful it is. So don’t let them take up any of your precious emotional energy or thought with their opinions because they’re ignorant when it comes to divorce.
Just as you wouldn’t ask your mechanic to help you figure out what all the red spots are on your child’s chest, don’t expect your family, friends or maybe even your therapist, clergy or other helping professional who’s never been divorced to be capable of providing helpful opinions about your situation.
Most people are chicken shits.
They aren’t able to have the honest conversations you need right now because it would make them feel uncomfortable.
People will project their limitations and life experience on you.
We all see the world through our own eyes and very few of us can truly step into another person’s shoes to see life through their eyes. The result is that most people will ASSume (yes, I do mean this to imply that they’re making as ass of themselves) that what’s true for them is true for you too.
They may be weak and uninformed, but that doesn’t mean you are. In fact, it takes an incredibly strong and determined person to get through divorce – a person just like you.
Just because you now understand why they’re saying the BS, that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.
You definitely shouldn’t just accept what they have to say.
One way you can turn their stupidity around is to use it to build a stronger sense of self. And the way you do that is by becoming completely aware of what you’re feeling as a result of their insensitivity.
Then name those feelings. You can either call the emotions what they are, or something more creative, like George, Ringo, Paul and John. Whatever works for you.
Once you know what the emotions are and can name them, you’ll be able to choose how you experience them – because you’re not simply feeling them any more.
This power of choice is incredible.
You might choose to continue experiencing the emotions as you have been, or you might choose to experience something else entirely. It’s by deliberately choosing your experience that you strengthen your sense of self.
You can best deal with other people’s fear of being honest be being honest yourself.
Tell them exactly what you think and feel. You don’t need to attack them, but articulating exactly how what they’re saying impacts you will make you feel much more powerful, and you’ll no longer be a victim of their words.
When people tell you that you can’t do something, you can use their negativity as fuel to prove them wrong. You know what you’re really capable of. They don’t. They may be weak, but that definitely doesn’t mean that you are.
We’re all human. We all make mistakes. We all say things we wish we could take back.
The problem is that when other people are way too human when you’re getting divorced, it hurts worse than it might at other times, because you’re already battling a whole lot.
By keeping these ideas in mind, you’ll emerge from the chaos and uncertainty of your divorce a stronger and more confident person – because you’ll have learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that YOU can trust YOU.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/how-to-deal-with-the-sht-people-say-when-youre-getting-divorced-wcz/
SAN ANGELO,TX- Raising children as a single parent is never easy. It takes a motivated individual who can lead a household with the day-to-day duties of parenting, while also providing financial support through a full-time job.
According to a 2016 U.S.Census report, single mothers generally represent the majority of single parents. The report shows that out of 12 million single parent families in 2016, about 80 percent were single mothers (9,781,000 families), while single fathers represented 17 percent (2,033,000 families). Though single mothers represent the majority of single-parenting households, it’s important to account for single fathers who also run a household.
LIVE! spoke with two single fathers to get a better understanding of the challenges they face. Both parents preferred to remain anonymous for the sake of their children and families; therefore, LIVE! has changed their names for the purpose of the article.
In the first case, Bob provides for multiple children in his household. After divorcing from his wife, he saw his kids on alternating weekends.
His weekend began by picking up the kids from the mother’s house, and then going grocery shopping to buy all the necessities, including snacks, fruit and meals for the weekend. All of the preparation to maintain a clean house, on top of other duties, would have to be finished through the week with a full-time work schedule.
“I cooked all the time for [the kids],” Bob said. “We would eat and then I would get them prepped for the day; it’s something you just have to do.”
He noted that after the first two years of alternating weekend custody with his ex-wife, he received full custody of the children. After winning custody, Bob's children became a priority to him and he had to find a job that would give him flexible work hours. Thankfully, Bob soon found a job where he could decide his own hours, which allowed him to spend more time with his kids.
“I made sure to have a job were the employer understood my circumstances,” he explained. “If my kids were sick or needed anything, I knew I had their support with putting them first.”
Bob expressed how fortunate he was to find employers like this, as they were hard to find.
However, work can still be unpredictable. If Bob couldn’t get off work, he explained that he still had family members who could be available to help him with any immediate obligations.
“I was thankful to have help from my family during those stressful times,” he said.
Overall, having multiple children in one house can be financially straining. Bob explained that while transitioning into a single-parent household, he had to cut back on some luxuries to account for the new financial responsibility. Bob even had to trade in his pickup truck for a more economically reasonable car.
”You have to budget everything, from food, utilities to clothing,” he said.
Despite the hardships the kids had to endure during their parents' divorce, Bob mentioned the relationship with his kids is strong. Of course, "at the back of [my kids'] minds, they wanted us to get back together," Bob said, as "they miss their mother, but they also knew [the divorce] was for the best."
For Bob, he will do anything to help protect and support his kids.
"Every morning, I wake up and worry about my children," Bob said. "I can't give up; I keep going to make sure they are happy."
The second dad, James, is a father to a daughter whom he only sees on the weekends currently because of his job and school work. While he works on providing for his daughter financially and works to secure a future for them by getting a college education, his family helps care for his daughter. James' parents help him by getting his daughter to school during the work week and watching over her. James expressed his gratitude, saying, “Everyone involved is looking after her, and that takes a weight off my mind."
As James only has weekends together with his daughter, he actively seeks to be a part of her life. James constantly tells himself he works for her benefit. The time he spends away from her is challenging; however, he knows that in the end, the hardships will pay off.
“If I take care of myself financially, then I know she will be taken care of as well,” James said.
Motivating him through life's most challenging moments is the the love and support from his daughter. James is separated from his daughter’s mother, but knowing his child is looked after while he's away makes the transition easier. He said his daughter understands he is busy during the week, and it make the time they have together all the more special.
“I’m a phone call away, and I’m always ready to leave if she ever needs me,” James noted.
He said one key distinction in the relationship of father and daughter is wanting to be a role model.
“You want to be seen as their hero,” James said.
At the end of the week, he knows providing for her is a responsibility that he upholds without any doubt.
“I’ve been fortunate enough to provide for her with everything that she needs,” James added.
As a single dad who works throughout the week and is in the midst of pursuing a college education, many people have questioned his choices; however, he feels that, in the long run, his aspirations for a Ph.D. will open up more opportunities for his daughter.
“I’ve been able to network with people in my career, and this has also helped me grow as a person,” James said. “I believe these experiences have made me a better parent.”
Instead of working a job with limited opportunities to excel, James wanted to pursue a career he was passionate about.
“I don’t want to look back and think that I could have done more for her,” James said. “I want to do the best for my daughter.”
Source: http://sanangelolive.com/news/san-angelo/2017-03-22/single-fathers-who-support-their-children-without-any-reservations
