When you’re divorced, a new school year for your kids means a lot of communication with your ex, and that may, in a word, suck. But as one mother who’s been there writes, there’s a cardinal rule of parenthood and that is: It’s hard and not really about you.
Get out those Trapper Keepers and sharpen your No. 2 pencils—it’s Back-to-SchoolWeek! Going far beyond the classroom, Lifehacker is bringing you genius tricks and ideas on how to start routines, brush up on old skills or learn something new this fall.
Your children need a community of adults who are on their team, helping them learn and grow and thrive. The transition back to school is an important time to set up systems and routines, lay out expectations for every member of the family, and establish a sense of predictability.
While every situation will look different, here are some ways to make back-to-school transitions smoother as co-parents.
Prep the Teachers
To minimize confusion and uncomfortable remarks, inform your children’s teachers of their family situation, ideally before the first day of school. Provide an overview of their routines—who’ll be dropping them off and picking them up on which days, and where they’ll be staying each night. Giving teachers this information up front not only provides them with some context for any emotional issues that may come up, but it also allows them to plan ahead. Perhaps they’ll proceed with more sensitivity when it comes to those “My Family” projects that can sometimes be painful for kids of divorce.
Set Your Own Boundaries
You and your ex should should aim to stand as a united front as co-parents, but only you know what you can handle. Ask for what you need. Many teachers are happy to schedule two separate parent-teacher conferences if a joint meeting would be too uncomfortable.
After writer Erin Silver got divorced, she felt “stumped and upset” when her children’s school asked her to send in a family photo. On HuffPost, she shared her thoughts and the solution that worked for her.
Should I send in an old family photo from when my ex-husband and I were married? Should I send in two separate photos, one of the kids with their dad and his partner, and one of the kids and me with mine? I ended up doing what felt most comfortable and natural for me: I sent in one of my boys with their dad and one of the boys with me. I worried my son would be upset to have two photos while everyone else in his class had one family photo, but he was actually happy to have everyone in his family represented.
Sync Up Your Routines
While no two homes are the same, you and your ex can establish some basic morning and after-school routines so your kids’ lives have a predictable rhythm. Homework, meals and bedtime are the three big areas to discuss. Decide on your rules: No playing outside until after homework is done? Everyone sits together and eats at the dinner table? No TV on weeknights? If you can set up pretty similar guidelines at both houses, your kids will know what’s expected and will be less likely to try to bargain by using the claim, “At Dad’s, we do this ...”
Share a Calendar
For both parents, you need one online calendar to share info about science project deadlines, volleyball practice, and when the money is due for school pictures. Google Calendar works well for this.
Older kids can view the shared calendar, but younger children will need something more tactile. This customizable custody calendar from Mighty + Bright (pictured above) lets kids see which parent they’ll be with on each day of the week. The simple visual aid helps put the child’s life in context, letting them know what’s coming next and reducing their anxiety.
Use Technology to Keep Everything Together
Co-parenting-focused apps such as 2houses, Alimentor and Our Family Wizard help you track expenses (for everything from back-to-school supplies to health insurance), manage court dates, organize medical records, switch weekends on the calendar, and more.
While it all may seem overwhelming at first, these back-to-school transitions will become easier over the years as you and your co-parent find routines that work for everyone.
Source: https://offspring.lifehacker.com/how-to-transition-your-kids-back-to-school-as-co-parent-1814076770
There’s a long-held belief by divorce professionals that New Year’s Day kicks off “the divorce season.” So if that’s true, and your divorce began earlier in the year, it will likely be finalized by summer’s end. Leading to a significant change in physical, financial and emotional circumstances for you and your children.
Right before the start of a new school year.
So what can you do to make it easier for your children as summer winds down and they prepare to go back to school — with newly divorced or divorcing parents? Here are five strategies to ease the transition from married to divorced. And keep your children on track for the upcoming school year.
Strategy #1: Keep Child Custody Arrangements Consistent
If you have minor children, during your divorce proceedings, you agreed on a custody sharing plan for them. Outlining where they would go after school and sleep on school days and weekends. Sticking to the plan and/or creating one that’s consistent from week-to-week can go a long way towards easing the confusion your children may feel as they enter the school year under these new circumstances.
They may now have two different bus routes, need to pack a bag depending on which items are at which house and have to remember whose house they’re staying over at on a given night. If your parenting plan is constantly switching week to week, your poor child is going to have a lot of trouble knowing where to go, what to bring and what bus they’re going to have to get on.
So it’s important you come up with a plan that doesn’t vary wildly from one week to another. And is easy for both you and your kids to remember.
Strategy #2: Leverage Technology to Improve Communication
Difficulty communicating is common for couples who divorce. So if you think it was difficult to communicate when you were living under the same roof, try doing it from separate households. With everything kids have going on these days, how will you keep each other apprised of their activities, schoolwork, doctor’s appointments, field trips, etc. so you can actively co-parent?
Leverage technology by using a shared online calendar and place the children’s activities, schoolwork due, etc. on it. This way, you can each access it from your computer or phone and be fully informed of the kids’ schedules.
Strategy #3: Inform Teachers and Counsellors
While less common these days, you may need to help kids deal with the stigma of your divorce. It’s a good idea to make their counselor or favorite teacher aware of your divorce so they can keep an eye on things.
Kids may not want to or know how to express what they’re feeling and instead it may present as poor performance in school, bullying or even drug or alcohol abuse. And since a favorite teacher or counselor isn’t their parent, your child may be more comfortable opening up to them about how they’re feeling.
Strategy #4: Develop an Expense Tracking and Sharing System
Now that you’re no longer living together as an “intact family,” you’ll need to put a system in place to handle the extraordinary financial expenditures that aren’t a part of your traditional child support arrangement. Field trips, book fairs, and all of those other things that kids come home from school needing money for. And if your parenting plan is set up in such a manner where the children are spending every night during the school week with you, chances are, you’re the parent who is going to be solicited for the cash. You’ll need to have a way to keep track of these expenses monthly so that you and your ex can each share in paying for them.
Consider opening a shared bank account where each of you deposits funds into it. And keep a running tab online using a free document sharing solution like Google Docs. Then much like when filling out an expense report for a company, you can gather up your receipts and expenditures, enter them into the document and discuss with your ex who will pay for what.
Trust between the two of you may be difficult, but is critical to your long-term ability to successfully co-parent your children. And this is a good way to build it.
Strategy #5: Keep a Unified Front
At the end of the day, you are still both responsible for raising your children. And your marital status shouldn’t impact that in the least. So be sure to keep things consistent as the children move from mom’s house to dad’s house. Simple things such as enforcing the same bedtime to keeping similar routines such as homework first before TV, etc. can go a long way towards avoiding arguments about differing parenting styles.
And while they may not like to admit it, kids thrive on routine. So keeping a unified front at both houses to provide a consistent parenting experience while eliminating the age old argument of “why can’t I stay out until midnight? I can when I’m at mom’s / dad’s house!” Kids are very good at figuring out who’s the softie and who’s the disciplinarian!
By keeping these five tips in mind, you and your ex can help make your divorce easier on your children as they get ready to go back to school
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/cheryl-and-joe-dillon/5-back-to-school-strategi_b_5659107.html
Divorce can be earth shattering for children. One of the biggest challenges divorced parents face is helping their kids through the process.
This is hard enough when the children are under the watch care of their father or mother. Once they head back to school and spend most of the day away from Mom and Dad, parents are often left feeling helpless.
Numerous studies have linked divorce to setbacks in school. One study even found that the actual breakup itself, not the discord leading up to it, led to lower math scores and poor interpersonal skills for children of divorce between the first and third grade.
Research has also shown that children of divorce are twice as likely to repeat a grade and five times as likely to be expelled or suspended. They often show more withdrawal, dependency, inattention, unhappiness and less work effort.
Perhaps a key reason why kids’ educational performance suffers so severely after their parents’ divorce is due poor parent-teacher communication. A recent survey of 689 parents and 174 teachers indicates that teachers feel parents are leaving them in the dark about major changes in the home that lead to behavior problems at school. On the other hand, parents feel teachers fail to reveal details about their child’s behaviour.
In the survey, 94% of teachers said they feel it’s important for parents to inform them of a divorce or other rupture in the marriage, but only 23% of divorcing parents surveyed say they actually disclose that information.
Although sharing details about your personal life to your child’s teacher might make you uncomfortable, it is relevant information for them to know. Without that knowledge, the teacher doesn’t know to be on the lookout for abnormalities in your child’s behavior. Your child’s disruptive actions might be treated as typical misbehavior when in actuality it is rooted in something much deeper.
This process is often exacerbated if your divorce occurred over the summer months and your child is suddenly forced to adjust to a new routine when his or her living arrangement has recently been turned upside down. They might also be struggling with the pressure of explaining to their friends and classmates that their parents are no longer together.
It is easy to see how all these factors can snowball and lead to an academic catastrophe. If not addressed, these issues can lead to even larger problems later in life.
There are a number of back-to-school tips for divorced dads to help make the transition easier for their children.
It is especially important to establish a routine. If at all possible, work cooperatively with your ex to make your child’s life as stable as possible. Set aside scheduled times for homework, personal time, dinner and bedtime.
Communicate with your child and find out how they are feeling. Make sure you know what is going on at school. Talk with teachers and school counselors and, as stated before, let them know that your child is dealing with a new living arrangement.
Although life after divorce does go on, you have to recognize that your child’s world has changed dramatically. It takes a team effort, but by communicating effectively with all the parties involved and putting your child’s interests above everything else, you can go a long ways to helping them get back on track and still have a great school year.
Source: https://dadsdivorce.com/articles/how-divorce-affects-kids-school-performance/
It's best to keep the focus on the kids, and leave parents' egos aside to help kids achieve success in school. Here are some tips to help.
Going through a divorce can be a painful process for everyone involved. Children often feel caught in the middle, and the stress can affect their performance in school. But it doesn’t have to be all doom and gloom. Experts and parents who have been there say that with good communication, effective planning, heightened awareness of problems that might arise, and time to iron out the difficulties, families can emerge with positive, supportive relationships and kids can be successful in school, too.
Keep the focus on the child
Family counselors, authors, parents and even the kids who’ve been through it agree: The main thing is to focus on what’s best for the child. They provide us with a wealth of tips for helping divorced families cope and helping their kids achieve academic success.
“When there’s a divorce, it can feel like your whole world is crashing in,” says Mary Lynn Crow, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor of education at the University of Texas at Arlington. She sees a tendency for divorced parents to focus on survival first because of the intense turmoil and fears that a divorce can cause. “But maintaining support for the child,” she adds, “gives parents something positive to focus on. Sometimes that can help to ease the strain of divorce as well as benefit the child.”
“Just as there are good and bad marriages, so there are good and bad divorces,” says Marian Wilde, a senior editor at GreatSchools and a divorced parent. “In a good divorce, parents can continue to co-parent and communicate with each other. Much of what divorced parents need to communicate about is logistical: Who has homework? When is it due? Who needs a permission slip signed? It can be tough the first year of divorce when parents are focused on creating arrangements and dealing with lawyers. But it’s important to be aware of what’s happening with your child.” She adds that with good communication, family relations do get better over time. “Things tend to mellow out,” she says.
Make a plan — for homework, after-school activities, and college costs
Effective planning is key to lessening conflict, making sure everyone is in agreement about expectations and helping your child focus on school. The more that can be clearly laid out the better — that includes communication with teachers, household policies on homework and TV, who will attend school functions, and even what kids should wear to school.
“For younger kids, they should agree on the same homework procedures down to the details. For example, when the child gets home from school, will she have snack, then playtime and then do homework or will she do her homework first? It’s better if both parents can agree on the same routine,” says Crow. She suggests parents come to an agreement about after-school activities, too — how many activities the kids will do, who will pay for what and how school performance and concerns will affect after-school activities. She adds, “It’s key that parents sit down together, if they can, and draw up these procedures. If necessary, they should hire a mediator to help devise a plan they can agree on.”
Risa Garon, author of Stop! In the Name of Love for Your Children: A Guide to Healthy Divorce and executive director of the National Family Resiliency Center in Rockville, Maryland, advises parents to agree on academic concerns for older kids, too, and plan accordingly. Do both parents agree that the child should go to college? Can they agree on a range of costs and what each parent is willing to pay for tuition? They should agree on what courses the child should take in high school to prepare for college. They should agree on what types of colleges the child will consider and who will take the child to visit colleges, and whoever accompanies the child should agree to report back to the other parent.
Have consistent rules and provide support
“It’s important to have consistent rules, have expectations and provide support,” says Crow. “There can be a tendency for divorced parents to be permissive, to think, ‘Well, he’s had so much stress, I’ll just do his homework for him or I won’t check to see if he is getting and doing his homework.’ That is a mistake,” says Crow. Garon adds that it’s important for kids going through a divorce to have discipline. “Consistency in parental expectations and discipline provides security and structure,” she says.
Think of the other parent as your business partner
“Parents need to communicate as co-parents. Think of being a co-parent like being a business partner. This will take emotion out of the equation,” says Garon. She suggests that parents agree to communicate once a week and always away from the child. They should agree ahead of time about the topics of the conversation and keep their focus on what is going to help their child be successful in school. Keep the conversation short, respectful, and keep blaming and judging out of the dialogue.
“Most parenting agreements are about how much time the child will have with each parent, and where the child will be for holidays,” she notes. “But it is more important to focus on what the needs of the child are, rather than time spent with each parent. Focusing in this way can help to take away anger as part of the conversation.” For example, if a child has a science project due, discuss the logistics of how it is going to get done. If the child will be with one parent for three days, then that parent should inform the other parent where the child is on the project and make sure the child has everything he needs to complete his assignment when he is with the other parent.
“When you have a conversation about your child and school, it should be as two parents talking about their child rather than as two ex-spouses talking to one another,” says one child, now in his 20s, about his parents’ divorce. “And the focus should be proactive rather than reactive.”
“Parents should act like adults in front of their children,” says a young woman, now in college, about her parents’ divorce. “I remember having hurt feelings when I would hear my parents fighting on the telephone. I would feel especially bad for my dad, and it would turn me against my mom and make me feel bitter.”
Figure out how your child’s time will be divided
Unless there is a family history of violence or abuse, says Crow, children need to spend time with both of their parents. In joint custody arrangements, the key is coming up with a schedule that allows kids to spend significant time with each parent without creating too many unnecessary transitions for the child. Jennifer Lewis and William Sammons, authors of Don’t Divorce Your Children, advise having blocks of time with the child. They advise consulting friends who have been through divorce to find out what works and keeping the plan flexible or agreeing to an initial trial schedule that can be reevaluated after six months or a year.
One creative solution that has worked for some parents is the “nesting” arrangement, where the children stay in the primary household, and the parents take turns going back and forth to a separate residence.
“I don’t think that there is any one solution that is best in all situations,” says Wilde. “Some parents believe that the kids should have one primary residence and see their other parent for dinner once or twice during the week and then have sleepovers once a week, usually on the weekend. This works well if the parents live close enough. What you gain in cutting back on transitions, you lose in the child feeling that there’s no primary residence. It all depends on what the kids want, too. If they’re too young to know, then the parents should think about what is best for the kids.”
It’s a good idea to make sure the child has an organized way for transporting things from one house to the other, including important schoolwork, homework assignments, materials needed to complete assignments. Both parents should be aware of student schedules including when assignments are due, extracurricular activities, emergency procedures, so that there will be no surprises and stress will be greatly reduced. Agree ahead of time on parental responsibilities around assignments. Avoid putting your child in the middle by saying things like, “Get your father to help you with that.”
The schedule should have clear expectations but in the best situation, allow for flexibility. One child of divorce suggests that schedules can be kept flexible and problems avoided, if parents communicate via email and keep a central calendar, for example, on Google Calendar on the Internet. This young man suggests that both parents can mark important school dates and other events. Parents should plan to have a conversation once a month, he says, to discuss their child and answer the question, “How is he doing in school?” They shouldn’t wait for report cards to come out to discuss his progress.
Wilde suggests that if a child has a computer at both homes, she should email drafts of a paper or project to her own email address. That way, she can always access her work at either home and avoid the frustration of not having the latest version with her.
Rethink the schedule as your child grows
As kids grow and activities change, parents should take another look at the schedule and decide what is best for the child. “Even a satisfactory schedule requires some flexibility to respond to immediate crises or the acute needs of an individual child, ” authors Lewis and Sammons write in Don’t Divorce Your Children. “We would advise that every separation or divorce agreement should provide a simple mechanism for changing the schedule, or else, as happens in too many families, the schedule becomes a straightjacket resented by the children and one or both parents.”
Lexine Alpert, a San Francisco Bay Area divorced mom, advises that as the child gets older, he should be allowed to weigh in on the schedule, too. It should take into account his activities and his need to be in the home where he can see his peers, practice the piano or work on a paper on the computer.
Get both parents in the communication loop
Unless there is a legal reason not to, most experts agree that both parents should be listed as emergency contacts on school forms. When possible, both parents should receive communication from the school, including report cards and notices of important events. Parents should take responsibility to stay informed, and both parents should also be sure the other parent is in the communication loop.
“Parents may need to take an active role to work with the school to become an accepting place for all kinds of families,” says Wilde. “Teachers need to be brought along. They shouldn’t just talk about one type of family as the norm. It’s better if they can say, ‘Look at the wide variety of families we have and that’s OK.'” Garon advises school personnel to avoid terms like “broken homes” and focus instead on family strengths.
Jerry Hill, a California divorced dad, county supervisor and founder of the Fatherhood Collaborative of San Mateo County, offers this advice specifically to divorced dads: “It’s important to go to school on the first day. Talk with the teacher and let her know your goal is to be an equal parent, that you want to be included in all discussions and problems that may arise. Volunteer at school. It’s OK for a dad to be a room mom. It’s a good experience.”
“Parents need to understand a school’s communication cycle, how the teacher communicates and plug into it,” says Debra Collins, a San Francisco-based licensed marriage and family therapist. “The teacher is more likely to contact both parents if they know both parents. Teachers tend to favor moms so be aware of that. Dads need to raise the flag and say, ‘I am here, too. How do I stay involved?'”
“I think it’s better if both parents are equally involved at school,” said one young woman, now 18 years old and a college student. In her family, only her mother was involved at school, and she spent one or two days a week with her dad.
Erratic behavior from a parent — whether divorced or not — can be confusing for the child. One divorced mom, who asked that her name not be used, said that her ex-husband showed up unannounced at a parent-teacher conference. “When my ex did that, my son’s reaction was, ‘What is he doing here?’ It made him feel more uncomfortable than having him not be involved at all.”
Watch your child for warning signs
Parents should be on the alert for changes in their child’s behavior. These can be signs that the stress of divorce is taking a toll. Collins advises parents to be proactive and expect that there will be difficulties along the way. “Don’t wait until your child shows symptoms. Be proactive,” she says.
“Look for warning signs that stress levels may be affecting performance — changes in temper, sleeping or eating,” says Crow. “Does your child lock himself in his room? Is he spending too much time on the computer? Are his grades changing? It’s a sign other behaviors are changing, too.” She advises talking to the child, reading books about divorce written for kids and getting help from a counselor or support group if necessary.
Doing exceedingly well in school can be a sign of problems too. Garon adds, “Be aware of a child who is getting all A’s but isn’t doing anything else.” This can be an indication that the child is burying himself in his schoolwork to the exclusion of everything else, and that’s not necessarily healthy either. “Often parents are not sure when it comes to behavior what is divorce-related and what is not,” she notes. “When in doubt, parents should not hesitate to reach out for help and get their child assessed by a child psychologist or counselor. It’s a sign of health and strength to reach for support when it’s needed.”
Alpert advises parents to work closely with their child’s teachers and to trust their advice. It’s difficult if teachers suggest tutoring or extra help and one parent disagrees. “You have to move away from your ideas and opinions and defer to them,” she notes.
Think about how to handle parent-teacher conferences
Whenever possible, it’s best if both parents who take an active role in their child’s education attend the parent-teacher conference together. That way what one parent hears, the other parent hears, too, and at the same time. If the relationship is too contentious or logistics make it impossible, then separate conferences at the very least keep both parents involved.
Stay in touch even when a parent lives far away
Regardless of distance, it’s important to communicate regularly about the child’s progress in school. With email, a parent far away can communicate with the school and the teacher to stay informed. A parent far away can request to have school information sent separately. When there’s regular communication, there will be fewer surprises and less to argue about as issues arise. “It’s very tough to be a parent from a distance,” says Crow. “The custodial parent should take it as her responsibility to see that the noncustodial parent is informed about what is happening in school. Have a telephone conference with both parents and teacher if necessary.”
“Just because there is distance doesn’t mean one parent doesn’t need to be involved,” notes Garon. “The parent who is far away should try to have consistent communication with the school and the teachers, and should take responsibility for making an effort to show up when there is a significant event at the school. Kids create mental pictures and remember when parents make an effort, put their differences aside and come together for their sake.”
Source: https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/kids-divorce-and-school-success/
Now that the kids are back to school and you have read Back to School Tips for Divorcing Parents, it is time to co-parent during the school year. Through the years of representing parents in custody cases, I have seen many issues arise between parents and I have seen parents find practical solutions for those problems.
I highly encourage parents to find practical solutions when it comes to co-parenting during the school year. Otherwise, you will be in and out of court seeking piecemeal band-aid solutions from a third party and, in the meantime, your child will suffer. The goal is making school go smoothly for your child.
Here are my tips:
- Familiarize yourself with the electronic communication options with the school. Nowadays, many school districts have online portals with your child’s information. Request two separate logins. If only one login is permitted, share the password with the other parent so you both can receive the information directly. It is better to have equal access than to be responsible for communicating the information directly. This was the other parent is responsible for getting their own information and cannot accuse you of withholding information.
- Let the teacher know to use both parent’s email addresses when sending out announcements or emails about any concerns they have about your child. Copy the other parent on your communications back to the teacher. I am sure you would likewise want to be copied.
- Let the other parent know when your child is home sick and whether any make-up work needs to be coordinated.
- Try to attend parent-teacher conferences together. I understand that sometimes this is not possible because the parents cannot get along well enough to be in the same room and the conference will not be productive. However, if you can, attend the conference together so that both parents can be on the same page and can hear the teacher’s response to each of the parent’s concerns.
- Use a shared calendar. It can be a google calendar, through Our Family Wizard or any other calendar that works for you. Through the shared calendar you can share information about extracurricular activities and school project deadlines. If you do not have the same weekdays each week you can mark when sneakers are needed for gym class and what day their library book needs to be returned.
- Discuss school projects and who is going to take the lead on what part of the project. I hear all the time about the lack of coordination and the stress on the child. I recall a situation when a child was returned to her parent on Sunday night with a book report due on Monday. The parent dropped the child off without the book and with the report not done and told the other parent to go buy their own copy. The child suffered the most in this situation.
- Be proactive. If you see a slip in grades or any other changes in your child that you think may be associated with the situation at home, talk to the school guidance counselor and consider counseling for the child and/or co-parenting counseling for the parents.
- Take your ego out of it. This is not about you, it is about your child.
It is challenging enough to make sure your children is organized and ready for school when the family is intact. Divorce usually makes it harder. Communication mechanisms are key and hopefully these tips can help too.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/eight-tips-for-co-parenting-through-the-school-year_us_59a95e4ce4b0c50640cd5ebc
