Use these 4 steps to get over it, so you can move on.
Life after divorce for men over 40 is very different from what their married friends think it is.
Their friends think that a divorced guy should immediately get out there and sample as many different women as they possibly can, and that this will automatically help them get over their divorce.
In more than a decade of work with men over 40, I’ve yet to meet one who can immediately jump from being what he thought was happily married into the fabled life of a playboy.
(Not even the men who cheated on their wives can easily do this.)
Men over 40 need time to shift from being a family man to being a single dad – because you can’t just erase the lifestyle you’ve had for years.
It’s not like flipping a switch. It’s more of a four-step process.
To help you out, here are 4 steps for embracing life after divorce, for men over 40:
Step 1: Give yourself time to figure everything out.
This is the time when you make all the big adjustments and learn to live on your own again.
You’ll rediscover how to do the things that your wife used to do – like laundry, paying the bills, making doctor appointments and cooking.
The other big adjustment you make during this period is figuring out how to be a single dad and coparent.
For most men, they miss their kids terribly. It isn’t easy to live without the sounds of your children at home every day or to be the only parent when they’re with you.
But you will figure out a way to make the basics of your new life work for you. Just give it some time.
Step 2: Give dating a preliminary try
At some point, you’ll try dating.
I call this first round of dating “preliminary dating” because you’re not really sure what type of woman you want.
Maybe you want someone to listen to you and provide emotional support, maybe you want someone to make your ex jealous, or maybe you just want someone you can have sex with – and because you’re still hurting from your divorce, you’re not ready to enter into a relationship.
Most men use this period of preliminary dating to get in shape and update their wardrobe a bit, as the remember how to put their best foot forward in the dating world.
Step 3: Get over the painful experience of divorce
Divorce is one of the most hellish experiences anyone can have.
It takes time and effort to heal from the end of your marriage.
Most men don’t complete putting their grief and the emotional turmoil of divorce behind them until after they’ve started dating.
There’s something to say for knowing you’re still desirable that goes a long way toward rebuilding your confidence.
Step 4: Moving on with your life
Once you’ve put away all (or at least most) of the baggage from your marriage, you’ll be able to start really living your life.
You’ll have figured out how to take care of you and your kids, you’ve already experimented with dating, and you’re ready to start experimenting with relationships, or become that fabled playboy.
Whatever you choose to do with your life at this point, you’re choosing because you’re ready for it. Not because it’s someone else’s idea of what you should be doing.
Putting your former life behind you takes work, but it’s effort well invested.
Everyone will see you as one of those guys who knows how to make life after divorce for men over 40 really work.
And you know what? You’ll see yourself that way too.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/what-divorce-is-really-like-for-men-over-40-wcz/
Divorcing a mentally ill spouse can be a tedious, dangerous process or it can be a relatively streamlined, routine legal proceeding. The spectrum of mental illness is so wide that it can mean a variety of things.
Mental Illness
Mental illness can mean many different things, but the basic idea is that the person suffering from mental illness has some form of psychopathology that makes his mind work differently from other people. Generally, the difference in brain function is detrimental to the person and may make it difficult to function in varying degrees. Some people suffer from mental illness that never gets diagnosed while others are diagnosed and treated with psychotherapy, medications, or a combination of both.
Whether you are divorcing a mentally ill spouse as a result of the effects the mental illness had on your relationship, or if you do not realize that psychopathology exists until after you try to leave, the stress involved with a divorce can be enough to make the effects of the mental illness increase. For example, a person who suffers intermittently from episodes of depression may wind up in a severely depressed state and perhaps even suicidal as the result of a spouse initiating a divorce.
Personal Responsibility
You may be the person closest to your soon-to-be-ex spouse, but this does not mean that you are completely responsible for what happens as a result of his mental illness. Simply put, if initiating a divorce results in the mentally ill spouse hurting himself, it is important to remember that this is not the fault of the spouse who initiated the divorce.
Mentally ill people may make irrational decisions when placed under stress, but their actions are not your responsibility. Some mentally ill people will use their mental illness as way to keep spouses around, such as in "If you were to ever leave me, I just don't know what I would do." The point is this: Unless you deliberately set out to emotionally hurt your mentally ill spouse, and in turn this results in your spouse hurting himself, it is not your fault and you should not stay hostage in a marriage out of fear that your spouse will hurt himself or someone else.
Divorcing a Mentally Ill Spouse Carefully
Take care when divorcing a spouse who has aggression issues or who is prone to delusions as a result of mental illness. In a situation where you feel threatened by the mentally ill spouse, seek out a safe place to stay and take all of the precautions possible to protect yourself.
Keep documentation of every statement or encounter that makes you feel threatened. This information may be useful if you need to request a restraining order or some other form of legal action against the mentally ill spouse. Also keep in mind that serious mental illness may compel an otherwise rational person to do things that are incredibly uncharacteristic. For example, a man who is usually kind and gentle - yet who is prone to dissociative rages that he does not remember afterwards - should be dealt with cautiously.
Serious cases of mental illness may need to involve temporary hospitalization for treatment. Until the divorce is final, you may be the person who has the authority to request this.
Compassion and Patience
People do not choose to be mentally ill. Many people with serious psychopathologies feel trapped and frustrated by their circumstances. Instead of dismissing your soon-to-be ex-spouse as "crazy," try to deal with her as compassionately as possible, just as you would if she had a chronic health problem that leaves her in pain on a regular basis.
You do not have to stay married to someone just because she has a mental illness, but the process of divorcing someone with mental illness can prove to be a little more complicated than divorcing someone who does not have these mental issues.
Source: http://divorce.lovetoknow.com/Divorcing_a_Mentally_Ill_Spouse
When the heck is the divorce fighting going to end? My friend John is 11 years separated from his ex and at least 7 years divorced and they’re still at it. Like cats and dogs.
They had one of those text fights the other day. You know, the kind where you send a text and get one back that’s a little nasty. So then you reply with a bit of edge only to get one back that’s just as sharp. Before you know it, about a dozen texts fly back and forth with each of you trying to be more clever and biting than the other.
And what did it get you? High blood pressure, a couple of grey hairs and a few seconds off your life.
Why are they still angry at each other? Didn’t they get divorced so that they could be apart from each other for good?
Well, they have children together. Like it or not, they still have to deal with one another for many more years.
So many people falsely believe that once they divorce, somehow all their problems will go away. In some cases, the divorce fighting become worse.
When married, if you have a difference of opinion you work it out one-way or the other. At best you’ll compromise. At worst you’ll fight until someone gives in but either way, you figure it out.
When divorced, a difference of opinion can land you back in court if you don’t have a solid conflict resolution plan in place. This sort of plan is best hashed out during your divorce to help resolve future disputes.
Like so many divorced people with kids between them I too have had so many of these encounters that I’m starting to lose track. It isn’t easy. At this rate, I’ll probably lose about eight minutes off my life!
So what’s the answer? How do you stop the fighting?
Although John and his ex do have a conflict resolution plan written into their divorce agreement, it still is costly.
Theirs says that if they cannot come to an agreement concerning an issue, they go to a mediator for up to three sessions. If an agreement still cannot be reached, they must go to family court.
John is a regular working guy and neither he nor his ex can really afford to go this route every time they disagree so they usually just keep fighting
.
Well, John desperately needed a change from the madness so I suggested he call a truce.
Look, the divorce fighting is eating away at you. I can see how stressed out you are so why don’t you try treating each other as you would any stranger you met at a cocktail party or even on the street? Maybe if you are at least polite and respectful to one another, the fighting may lessen and your problems may be easier to handle.
Seems reasonable, right?
We all know how to smile, say please and thank you. We all know how to wish each other a nice day. So why does that everyday common courtesy so often go out the window with our exes? Is it because the emotions are still raw, even years later? Is it because we know exactly which buttons to press?
So John and his ex agreed to treat each other as they would any stranger on the street. Believe it or not, this would be a huge step up for them. I mean they were both really sick of the constant mean divorce fighting.
They agreed to a truce and since they were now officially on ‘better terms’, she immediately asked him for a few favors.
Had he made a mistake? When would the take, take, take attitude end?
Well, he did just say that he would try this truce out and someone has to take the first step so he fulfilled those favors in the hopes of a new and more peaceful future.
I have to admit I felt a bit used. I mean the words about calling a truce were barely out of my mouth and she asked for three favors! Well, I was the one who wanted this and I did say I would try so... whatever.
I saw him about a week or so later and asked how it was going. John said,
I have to tell you that without a doubt I definitely felt a lot less stress almost immediately. Seriously. It used to be that I would totally tense up and my breathing would literally restrict at a mere email from my ex. I’m not kidding, my chest would constrict because I knew any message from her was likely the start of another fight! Now I feel like I can breathe again.
The fortunate timing of school’s end helped their plan along.
The truce had been declared mid June and they were now faced with the wide-open promise of summer.
The kids were in camp and the fighting was soon a distant memory. There was little to no reason to communicate with each other for the entire length of the summer so he felt pretty good about how well their decision had been going.
What a great summer!
Then school started again...
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/al-corona/divorce-fighting-does-it-_b_12400778.html?utm_hp_ref=life-after-divorce
When running a business, as we all know, there will be difficult days, hard times and stressful periods. Although it’s not easy to spot the silver linings, having a positive attitude can help us push through rough patches.
Here are a few benefits optimism and positivity can bring, even in the face of adversity:
1. See failure as a new start.
Failure is not the end, in fact it is often the beginning of something great. When things are good, we coast along without making any quantum leaps. When things go bad, our world gets shaken up, which requires us to grow, see new things and start afresh.
Optimism allows us to learn from failures, pick up the pieces and move on to something greater. The greatest business ideas, and times in life, can be born from failure.
2. Be expansive.
Pessimism makes us contract and shy away from new or adventurous things. It causes us to fixate on the negative possibilities and be trapped by fear of failure.
Optimism, however, opens us up to new ideas, new experiences and new possibilities. It frees us up to consider new options and change our businesses, and lives, for the better. It helps us look to the future and create expansive, evolving realities.
3. Get healthy.
Dwelling on negativity isn’t healthy. Not only are optimists generally happier and less stressed, but also they tend to have healthier hearts.
In a study of more than 5,100 adults, researchers from the University of Illinois found that those who were the most optimistic were 76 percent more likely to have health scores in an ideal range. In addition, optimists had significantly better blood sugar and cholesterol levels, exercised more, and had healthier body mass indexes, and were less likely to smoke than pessimists.
Focusing on the positive, instead of the negative, improves mental well-being, which can motivate individuals to take better care of their bodies, as well.
4. Spread good vibes.
Optimism is contagious. Having an upbeat attitude can inspire everyone around us. A survey conducted by Gallup found that only 35 percent of U.S. managers are engaged in their jobs. This lack of engagement and its impact on employees costs the U.S. an estimated $77 billion to $96 billion each year.
Attitude is everything. Optimistic leaders can help motivate and engage their employees. A positive team will be driven to accomplish goals and work together to move things forward.
5. It is the best choice.
There is no better alternative to optimism. Pessimism doesn’t achieve much, and doesn’t have any benefits over optimism. Being optimistic obviously doesn’t mean seeing rainbows 24-7. Everything won’t always be great. But optimism helps us see new opportunities, learn from different situations, and keep moving.
In life, movement and growth is essential, which optimism helps us achieve.
Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/246204
That’s right, you deserve better.
We all struggle with insecurities, and because of these insecurities, we start to try to justify situations that aren’t right for us - whether it’s a job, a relationship or a friendship. I myself have (and continue to) struggled with the insecurities brought on by my past. It’s more than just physical insecurities, but the idea that sometimes I feel like I’m too damaged — like I’ve been through too much in my life.
Maybe I’m just too f*cked up, and thus incapable of being loved because of the struggles of my past. Sometimes I wish my parents had stayed together instead of getting divorced when I was 7 — maybe then I’d have had a mother to raise me and maybe life would have been different. Maybe if I hadn’t been treated like complete sh*t in my past relationship, I wouldn’t be so scared to give all of myself to someone again. Maybe if my father hadn’t passed away, I’d be less scarred, and I wouldn’t get sad seeing a father and daughter on a subway train, or when a father walks his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.
But all of this doesn’t ever get me anywhere but curled up in my bed crying about things that don’t matter.
I’ve realized that you have to learn to let things go — memories that don’t make you smile, things that don’t add true value, and people who don’t make you feel the way you should — happy, loved and beautiful.
You have to close the wounds you’ve been left with — from whatever relationship, traumatic experience or getting fired from a job you loved/hated — you have to close these wounds for yourself, and by yourself. Because if you don’t, you’ll always look back, wishing, wanting and regretting things that weren’t meant to be in the first place.
And on those nights when you feel completely alone, like no one will understand you or have the answers to your questions — remember that loneliness is designed to help you discover who you are — so that you’ll stop looking outside yourself for your worth.
So when that boyfriend, husband, wife, sister, friend constantly takes advantage of you and puts you down — you’ll eventually build the strength to take nothing less than what you deserve. Or when you’re working day in and day out at a company that doesn’t value your opinion, your eye, your knowledge — or your boss is a complete d*ck for no apparent reason other than the fact that he/she is unhappy with his/her own miserable life — you’ll have the confidence to seek out a new career and find a company that appreciates and values you as an employee.
People stay in unhappy situations because they’re comfortable and/or too scared of what’s on the other side. You cannot be one of those people. Because you deserve better. And you’ll find someone who will love you through success and failure — so that you can discover how little life has to do with either.
So when you feel unlucky, or you start to feel bad about yourself — take a second to see how far you’ve come. You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Let go of the pity of your past. Because you weren’t put on this earth to break even. You’re here to break rules, break records, and break through.
People ask me, “How did you do it? How did you change your life? How did you just leave everything behind to travel the world and live the life of your dreams?“
I just woke up one day and decided I didn’t want to feel like sh*t — at home, at my job, in my relationship — anymore, or ever again. So I changed. Just like that.
So I’m writing this letter to you because we all (myself included) need reminders — gentle reminders that get us up out of bed to take back control of our happiness. Please don’t be ashamed of your past. Your scars are what make you beautiful. Your story is one that can and will inspire someone else in this world. You have a purpose to why you exist, why you live, why you breathe, why you were placed in the town or city that you grew up in, to be raised the way that you did. And you deserve better.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jinna-yang/why-you-deserve-better_b_7163882.html
You must change the way you relate to your ex, both in the real world, and in your head.
Going through a high-conflict divorce is like living with a chronic illness. There are periods of relative calm, followed by stretches of gut-twisting agony. Flare-ups consume you and peaceful moments make you wonder when the next bomb will be tossed.
When dealing with a high-conflict ex, the only thing that’s certain is that this person will not change. He is a drama addict, and to get his fix he will bad-mouth, cyber-bully, manipulate children, remain gainfully unemployed, perform feats of vanishing-income magic, threaten litigation, twist words, cast aspersions, steal your thunder, all while managing to convince the public he is Father Of The Year.
If, somehow, your ex were able to stop her shenanigans, she would have to deal with her own shortcomings. And what fun is that? She needs a target on which to project her sense of personal failure, and that target, unfortunately, is you.
Forever.
Now that you know your ex is not going to have an Aha Moment, and you will remain together till death do you part, you must examine your own actions and thought patterns that keep you engaged in a losing battle. You must change the way you relate to your ex, both in the real world, and in your head.
How you interact with your ex is a habit, and breaking any habit takes discipline. Set aside five minutes in the morning and before bed to meditate. You don’t need an altar and incense to do this. You just need to reflect on the things you can do to feel less crazy. You need to stop letting thoughts of your ex take up so much space in your head, and swap them out for empowering mantras. Read on for a sample of conscious intentions — and how practicing them can improve your life.
Detach yourself from the outcome
You can’t control your ex, his attorney, or the family court system. But you cancontrol your own actions, so be mindful of your thoughts and choices. Set intentions for what you need to do now — file a child support modification or e-mail your ex about therapy for your child — and don’t obsess about what will or won’t happen. White-knuckling your way to the future will take you out of the present and keep you from enjoying non-divorce-related activities.
Don't try to reason
High-conflict people aren’t reasonable. They only see their side of things. They have intense emotional reactions to minor situations. They lack healthy conflict resolution skills. Trying to “talk sense” into someone like this is like going to the hardware store repeatedly looking for milk — and then getting upset that there’s no milk to be found. You will feel much more grounded once you stop expecting a crazy person to act sane.
Act, don't react
Your high-conflict ex creates drama to keep you engaged. You know you’ve taken the bait when you catch yourself yelling, crying, cursing, or sending an invective-laded email. As tempting as it may be to retaliate, responding to your ex’s drama with your own drama will just invite more attacks. So stick to the facts when communicating. Deflect outbursts with “Nevertheless,” or “I understand.” You will never truly be divorced until you learn to manage your own emotional reactivity to your ex.
High conflict divorce, like life, isn't fair
Family courts deliver answers, not necessarily justice. Children sometimes align with a toxic parent. People you thought were your friends fall off the radar. You work a full-time job and live in an apartment while your gainfully unemployed ex lives in a mansion and is supported by a wealthy fiance who seems oblivious to her shenanigans. Wallowing in bitterness and resentment won’t change your circumstances. Accept that suffering is part of life and try to shift your focus to what’s going your way.
My children deserve a relationship with my ex
No matter how you feel about your former spouse, your children still deserve to love and be loved by their other parent. Unless your ex is truly unfit, you need to support your kids’ relationship with him. Trying to change your ex’s parenting style is futile and interfering with the bond between him and your children is unfair to your kids. Focus on your own parenting: is there anything you need to change? Develop patience? Improve time management? Set better limits? Have fun? Stop trying to control your ex, or worrying that your kids love him more, and work on yourself instead.
You probably are not the stupid, crazy, incompetent person your ex says you are, so stop taking what he says personally. Remember: high-conflict people are always looking for someone to blame and you are a convenient target. He is likely spouting off as a way to defend against the shame of divorce, or to project his unowned sense of inadequacy on to you. What he thinks of you is about him, and you can’t change it anyway, so get on with your life.
Source: https://goodmenproject.com/divorce/7-divorce-mantras-will-improve-life-wcz/
Have you ever heard the following joke, “Well enough about me...let’s talk about you. So... what do you think about me?” This article is all about YOU. Dedicate the next seven days to your inner and outer self.
Use the following questions to determine, “What about me?”
- Do I eat a minimum of three well-balanced meals daily?
- Do I hydrate enough so that my urine is clear?
- Do I get a minimum of seven hours of deep sleep each night?
- Do I think and/or talk to myself with positive affirmations?
- Do I avoid harmful over-indulgences?
- Do I choose friends that make me mentally, physically and spiritually better?
- Do I swiftly manage the stress in my life?
- Do I only go into the past for non-emotional evaluation or to reminisce in a positive way with a friend?
- Do I only go into the future for planning my Visions and Goals with corresponding tactics and strategies?
- Do I do what I love and love what I do?
- Do I only think of what I want, as opposed to what I don’t want in life?
- Do I prioritize a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and yearly to-do list?
- Do I take periodic breaks, mini-vacations and full vacations to rejuvenate my mind, body and soul?
- Do I adhere to the Golden Rule of “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them”
- Do I treat myself like a Champion?
If the answer is “No” to any of these questions, then make it right. Create an action plan, if necessary. Commit to it. See yourself doing it in finished state. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations! You are on the right path.
Place this short questionnaire in safekeeping. Use it periodically to see if you’re treating your best friend, YOU, like a champion. With strains of the economy and the demands of society increasing, it is time to place your awareness on YOU.
For over 40 years, most of my clients that initially arrived to my doorstep had put themselves last. They had placed their “happy eggs” in baskets of Career, Relationships or Parenting, neglecting the very thing that makes everything possible.
How do you become your best friend?
Love yourself and it will be easier to showcase love for others and find reciprocating love. Respect yourself and you’ll gain respect from others. Speak positive to yourself and positive people and opportunities will arrive.
Avoid self-deprecating humor. Avoid phrases like...
- “I figured that would happen.”
- “If I didn’t have any bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”
- “I’m an idiot!” or “I suck at...”
- “I’m too old for this.”
- “Life’s an endless grind.”
- “I told you that wouldn’t work.”
- “That’s just the way it goes.”
- “You can’t expect to succeed all of the time.”
- “You win some and you lose some.”
- “There’s not enough time in the day.”
- “If I had better direction, I would perform better.”
- “Why try? It’s not appreciated. It does me no good.”
- “I’m just going to do my job and keep my mouth shut.”
Have you uttered any of the above phrases? No more put downs or beating yourself up, especially in front of others. No more victim and or judge thoughts or statements.
End negative self-talk
If your daily inner dialogue could be printed out, it would reveal if you are your best friend or not. I’ve told many clients, “If I talked to you like you talk to you, you’d fire me.”
Sell you on you. As your self-worth increases, a magnetic force of attraction will expand. Most of the things you need and want in life will arrive.
It’s time to “Be Your Own Best Friend.”
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-fannin/be-your-own-best-friend_1_b_13050648.html?utm_hp_ref=emotional-wellness
