Wondering how cheating could affect your divorce case? Here’s what you need to know, from Katherine Eisold Miller, a collaborative lawyer and family mediator.
Marriages can end when one member of the couple discovers that the other has had an adulterous relationship. How important is the impact of the extra-marital relationship on the divorce itself? Legally, the answer varies from state to state. In some states, there is very little impact at all while, in others, it can have a substantial influence on the outcome.
Historically, there was a much higher correspondence between adultery and divorce then there is today. Adultery by a woman was often viewed more seriously and punished more harshly than if committed by a man. This remains the case in some countries today, including Iran and Saudi Arabia, where an adulterous wife could face a violent death. In the United States, adultery remains a crime in some states but is rarely prosecuted.
These days, adultery rarely has much of an impact on the distribution of assets — except in cases where one spouse has used marital assets to support the extra-marital relationship. For example, if a husband borrows against a marital asset in order to support his mistress, that fact would likely be taken into account in distributing the assets of the marriage.
Adultery is also unlikely to affect a custody determination so long as the wayward spouse has not carried on the relationship in front of the children or exposed them to inappropriate people or situations during the course of the affair.
In some states where fault is still a factor in divorce proceedings (even where no-fault divorce exists, in some states there is still fault-based divorce that — when proven — can impact support or property division) an adulterous relationship can seriously reduce (or even eliminate) the obligation of one spouse to pay alimony to the unfaithful spouse regardless of need. In addition, alimony already in place is often terminated when a spouse or ex-spouse lives with another person.
If the straying spouse happens to pick up a sexually transmitted disease, and later infects his or her spouse with that illness, that can give rise to a personal injury action between spouses called an interspousal tort.
Far and away the biggest, most likely and most problematic influence adultery will have on a divorce is in the negotiation of settlement. Statistically, divorce cases are overwhelmingly likely to settle — over 90 percent or more in most jurisdictions. A cheating spouse often feels guilty or sheepish in the aftermath of discovery or confession and the cuckolded spouse typically feels angry and retributive. The emotional stance of each party coming into the negotiation can drastically affect the terms of the settlement.
When making important decisions about your finances, your children and your lifestyle it is important to be in as calm a state of mind as possible. People who make the best choices in their divorce negotiations are able to separate their actions from their reactions — in other words, they are able to think about what is best for themselves and their families separately from the emotions they feel about the adultery. Choosing divorce lawyers and other professionals who can work together to support a family through all aspects of this painful situation is probably the best way to get through it successfully. More information about how this can work is available at CollaborativePractice.com and WestchesterFamilyLaw.com.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/03/divorce-questions-adultery_n_1471111.html
On a recent Sunday morning, 10-year-old Kaia woke up in the mood for crepes, something her mom, Alison, makes like a pro. So Alison whipped up the egg batter while Kaia's dad, Wes, pulled out the frying pans. Big brothers Oliver and Noah sliced strawberries and tracked down whipped cream. "The kids love when we do family breakfasts," says Alison, 42. "On the weekends, we form an assembly line so everyone can pick their toppings." The kitchen of their Minnesota home is large and comfy. On the wall is a calendar that tracks soccer practices and doctors' appointments. Tacked up next to it is another schedule, one with alternating weeks labeled "Mom" and "Dad." It's a custody chart.
To say that Alison and Wes are still close seven years post-divorce is a laughable understatement. In 2010, they scrapped their separate living arrangements and moved back in together with their children, Noah, 15, Oliver, 13, and Kaia. The whole brood now shares a rambling old Victorian that Wes, 43, a carpenter, gut-renovated to accommodate everyone--including Alison's partner of five years, Shari. The parents say the screenplay-worthy move came after seeing the tailspin effect their split had on the kids. "They never seemed to find a peaceful place, moving back and forth between our two houses and keeping up with two sets of stuff and two sets of friends," says Alison.
This type of living situation, in which exes share or rotate through a single home that their children stay in full-time, is called "nesting." As kooky as it may sound, Margaret Klaw, a Philadelphia divorce attorney who's been in practice for 25 years, says it's on the rise: "I wouldn't have seen this even 10 years ago, but now more couples try it, sometimes just for a year or two during transition." Rob Crane, M.D., an associate professor of family medicine at Ohio State University who nested with his ex and their daughter, explains the motivation: "Allowing kids to stay put in their house instead of uprooting them every couple days can minimize the psychological injury of divorce and give a sense of normalcy at home." His arrangement attracted so much interest from friends and strangers that Crane started a website, kidsstay.org, where those considering it can get more info.
Nesting is obviously not an option for everyone; it could prove disastrous in a split that involves violence, for example. But it's one of the many new ways that exes with children are becoming better and happier "apartners." Exes who are not only amicable but loving are part of a divorce revolution, along with mediation and collaborative divorce (in which both parties hire lawyers but agree to keep it out of court). "It's the beginning of a nationwide change of thought that divorce has to be a confrontational thing," says Richard Kulerski, a Chicago-based lawyer who now specializes in friendlier tactics after 40 years on the battlefield of divorce.
Even in these happier splits, tensions are high at first. Alison, who now teaches co-parenting classes with Wes at a local community center, says, "When Wes and I first broke up, we couldn't be in the same room without our mediator. Gradually, we found a way to relate by focusing on what was best for our children." Their setup isn't without its critics, who tell Alison that she's "messing up" her kids. She says divorce equals hatred to these people because that's all they've ever seen. "It only takes one parent--even if the other is out there getting a restraining order--to say they're willing to work together. Rarely do partners get to that point at the same time, so you have to be patient."
The key moment for Wes, whose own parents divorced when he was young, was the Sunday evening when he asked Kaia how the weekend had gone with her mom. "It was clear she had done something fun with Alison and someone she was dating. I could tell she was pulled apart, not knowing if she should tell me," he recalls. "Finally, she let it out. That's when I realized I had a choice: to close off, or say, 'Oh, that's awesome!' And that's what I did. I couldn't stay tied up in despising Alison anymore. After I let go, living together didn't seem so crazy."
When Alison and Wes first brought up the idea of moving back into one home, their children worried that they would fight as often as they did during the death throes of their 10-year marriage. Alison admits they still know how to push each other's buttons, but now they make a real effort to acknowledge when they slip up and criticize each other unfairly--as they do from time to time, being human and all. "We're not avoiding conflict; instead, we're dealing with it differently," she says. Their son Noah says the turnaround in his parents' relationship borders on miraculous: "It's hard to believe. Almost right away I noticed that the fighting had died down. It seemed like heaven."
The new communal custody
Making things easier on the kids is, of course, the most powerful incentive for ex-spouses to keep turbulence to a minimum. Numerous studies have shown that having combative parents increases children's emotional volatility and aggressiveness. The general rule in the mental health field, says John W. Jacobs, M.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at New York University, is that the worse the conflict between parents--whether they are married or divorced--the more difficult it will be for their children to form close relationships later in life. To protect their kids from this potentially nasty fallout, some exes are working hard, if not harder, at their relationship after the marriage is over.
Linda Kietzer, 50, got divorced 11 years ago and now lives only a half mile from her ex, Jonathan, whom she meets frequently for dinner to catch up on their two children's lives. Yet she says she still runs into people who expect her to bad-mouth him, because they just can't picture a split that is anything less than bitter. "We're fiercely loyal to each other," she says. "I shut down any negativity immediately." Milwaukee-based family therapist Holly Hughes Stoner says she's seeing more couples like Linda and Jonathan, who are really trying to find some common ground. "The more parents can say, 'We're still a united front'--with a lot of focus on the we--the better," she says.
"This idea of a dad pulling up in a woodie station wagon to take the kids every other weekend while the mom can't even look at him is really not what I'm experiencing as my reality," says Magda Pecsenye, 39, who with her ex-husband, Doug French, created the candid divorce blog When the Flames Go Up. Magda and Doug aren't the first exes to blog about divorce, but doing it together? That's what made them such a novelty when they popped up in the blogosphere in 2010. One of the things their readers appreciate most, says Doug, 46, is that they write so honestly about the challenges of true 50-50 custody. After coming across a sweet note that Magda had slipped into their 9-year-old's math textbook, Doug posted: "As it turns out, you can...create something that is, though not ideal, eminently livable: the situation when you're glad she's no longer your wife, but you're also glad she'll always be [your kids'] mom."
The Huffington Post picked up on this new, open conversation and in 2010 launched an entire section devoted to working through divorce. "Obviously people don't get divorced because they're happy with each other. Nobody is saying this is easy," says the site's founder, Arianna Huffington, whose marriage to former California congressman Michael Huffington ended in the late '90s. In the years just after their breakup, it took "real effort," Arianna says, for them to meet face-to-face, but she knew how important it was to her two daughters that she and her ex-husband come together without seismic eruptions of animosity. Now the exes take regular family vacations. "The pleasure of being with our children and seeing them happy became more important than hanging on to our own grudges," she says.
Pushing the boundaries
Fifteen years ago there were few alternatives to filing papers, says Kulerski, the collaborative divorce attorney. Mediation is an increasingly popular, less abrasive--and less expensive--option. "A divorce that goes to court can cost more than $25,000," he says. "People are fed up with spending more on their divorces than they did on their weddings." Kenny Smith and Geri Donenberg chose mediation when they split, saying it was better financially and emotionally. "There wasn't a lot of bitterness, but there was a considerable amount of pain and guilt," recalls Geri, who says that her frequent work trips caused conflict at home. At the suggestion of the mediator overseeing their divorce, she and Kenny sat down to write letters to each of their children--Emilia, now 13, and Sean, now 18--describing the lives they'd like their children to have in 10 years. "My daughter asked, 'Will we still do things as a family?' And in my letter to her, I promised her we always would," Geri says.
They kept that promise with joint outings to Sean's track meets and annual Hanukkah celebrations at Geri's. Last fall, Kenny and the kids joined Geri and her new husband (also named Kenny, which makes them all laugh) on a trip to Los Angeles for a nephew's bar mitzvah. "This was the first time we'd traveled together since we split," says Kenny. "I can't call Geri's husband and me close, but, you know, I really like him." Kenny says the trip solidified for him that he and his ex had done the right thing. "When Geri and I were withering in couples therapy, we knew it would be better for the kids if we met other people who made us happier," he says now, choking back tears. "It was an insanely hard decision, but it worked--the kids have two happy homes."
An alliance between an ex and the new partner was once the stuff of Desperate Housewives plots; now it's a common factor in many real-life splits. In fact, Amy Elliott, 38, considers Candie, her ex's new wife, a friend and almost a second mom to her daughter, Amani. For Amani's sweet 16 last year, Amy and Candie, 35, took Amani and four of her friends to St. Louis for a weekend celebration, with the mom and stepmom sharing one room while the girls crashed in another. Amani, who calls both Amy and Candie "Mom," says the trip was "the greatest ever. Some of my friends with divorced parents say, 'You're really lucky to have that. I wish my family got along that well.' And it's true--I am lucky. My mom and dad were friends first, and they're friends now."
Amani sounds truly content, doesn't she? In the end, finding an outcome that's best for the kids is what Thellen Levy, a San Francisco--based attorney who's been in practice for 33 years, wants for all her clients. "Having been in the litigation trenches, I used to get sick to my stomach representing clients who were making horribly devastating decisions that would affect their kids," says Levy, who now works only with exes willing to stay out of court. "There were no winners, just losers. But when divorcing couples have the right kind of support, they can put their kids at the center of all this--without putting them in the middle."
"Nobody is saying divorce is easy, but seeing our children happy became more important than hanging on to our own grudges."
Source: http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a14116/living-with-an-ex-after-divorce/
Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?
“When life gets tough, the tough get going.” This timeless proverb may be true for some but, for others, hardship can be too much to overcome. When the going gets tough, their life simply falls apart. What is it exactly that separates those who thrive regardless of adversity and those who don’t? Is it genetics, luck, or pure willpower?
Consider that Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison before he became the first democratically elected president in South Africa. Abraham Lincoln failed in business, had a nervous breakdown, and was defeated eight times in elections before becoming president. A
boy born to a teenage alcoholic prostitute and an absentee father found himself in trouble throughout his childhood, eventually growing up to be Charles Manson.
These examples are extreme, but they demonstrate the different routes people may choose when facing major obstacles. Some people turn to alcohol and drugs, stealing, or physical violence. Nearly 16,000 people drank themselves to death in 2010. Every year, more than 3 million children will witness domestic violence in their home. Conversely, many people have gone through hell and back and are moral, happy, and successful. As a youth violence and family trauma psychologist, it’s my job to find the turning point between the right path and the wrong one.
In my own life I dealt with hardship and failure. My family was poor. I had to cope with suicides, mental illness, and domestic violence; two of my family members died of alcoholism. My grandmother was a teacher and I thought I would follow in her footsteps. After attempting to go to school for teaching, I realized that I was not cut out for it. I felt like I had failed. When I was young, I tried to be a writer and was not successful. My first marriage was a failure, as was my first business. I was challenged significantly when I enrolled in my Ph.D. program at the age of 42 and my classmates were all 20 years younger.
And the story would not be complete without telling you that someone attempted to rape me when I was a young woman. I only told a few people. I cried and cried. I wanted to scrub the skin right off my body. Yet today, I can face my fears and am a big fan of “Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit.”
Despite all these trials, life marched on and turned out positive. I earned my Ph.D. I am a successful non-fiction writer and the author of two books that have sold well. I own my own practice, Eastern Shore Psychological Services, which has grown considerably and won numerous awards. And I am happily remarried to a loving husband, although I once told myself that I’d never marry again.
Why was I able to overcome the negative parts of my life when others from similar backgrounds have ended up addicted to substances or in jail? The simple answer is that I had enough protective factors in my life to outweigh my risk factors. For instance:
The neighborhood I grew up in was safe.
- I was always supported by people who loved me.
- I did well in school and had opportunities to succeed.
- I had pro-social role models.
- I received treatment for depression and PTSD.
- There were many happy events in my life.
- I kept going, one foot after the other, no matter what.
The Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention found that children who have more than five risk factors (learning problems, maltreatment, chaotic neighborhoods, etc.) and less than six protective factors (adult support, life skills, clear standards set by care givers, etc.) have an 80% chance of committing future violent acts. This means that, while we all face varying levels of hardship, there must be a counterbalance of positives in our lives so that we may continue to grow and succeed.
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Looking back at my family members who struggled, I realize that they did not have the level of support and education about depression and alcoholism that I was fortunate to have. At two points in my life, I had problems controlling my anger, just like my father. But I gained support through education and friends, and I learned to deal with it effectively. Without these support systems, statistical research says that I would most likely have failed.
It’s true that some of our ability to deal with hardships and failure has to do with biological traits and genetics. Some of it may have to do with luck. But mostly it has to do with the environment and people around us. Our parents, siblings, peers, educators, and community all play a vital role in shaping who we become. Life is tough and we all have our own challenges to face. But we don’t have to face them alone. With a caring heart and encouraging hand, we can all play a role in supporting others through their greatest hardships.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-the-cycle/201308/life-is-tough-overcoming-hardship-and-failure-0
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalised.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
Whether you’re determined to achieve a tiny goal or to change your entire life, believing that you can is the first, most important step.
It’s a bit of timeless wisdom perhaps best immortalized by the Star Wars character Yoda, who bestowed it upon a young Luke Skywalker — and by extension, the rest of us: “Do or do not,” Yoda said. “There is no try.”
That message triggered something extraordinary in Luke, of course, empowering him to harness “the Force” and master his own internal resources. But I think many of us have yet to realize how relevant and evergreen the lesson is in our own lives.
Yoda’s quirky syntax notwithstanding, the message here is clear: Our ability to achieve a particular goal hinges mightily on our belief that we can, and on our determination that we will. You either decide to do something and immediately begin doing it, or you don’t.
We love saying that “we’ll try,” as a way of implying that we’re agreeing to work on something. But I think that, far too often, that’s a cop out. “Try” is a state of effort without complete intention and commitment — and so it generally turns out to be little more than a way station on the road to failure.
In my experience, if you’re hopelessly or halfheartedly trying — expending your energy without a powerful sense of connection to a positive outcome — you might as well not try at all.
So why do many of us continue to be stubbornly attached to toiling away in the “try” state? I suspect that part of it is fear of the unknown. We know what it’s like where we are, even if it’s painful and frustrating. We don’t really know what life is going to be like out beyond our next meaningful achievement.
Frankly, it can feel a whole lot safer and more familiar on this side of our excuses for why what we most want in life can’t possibly happen.
I remember a young employee I had years ago. He desperately wanted a shot at success, and he was a hard worker. I coached him and encouraged him. I kept giving him opportunities to grow. But every time he got a shot at a really important endeavor, he put all of his attention on worrying about whether or not he’d be able to pull it off — rather than envisioning his success and focusing on how he’d go about achieving it.
“I’m trying,” he’d say. And there was no doubt that this guy took his efforts seriously. But he stressed about every bad indicator, and saw the shadow of his own self-doubt lurking around every corner. He advertised his worst fears rather than articulating his most inspiring hopes. It diminished his confidence and energy, and scattered his attention. It also pulled down the people around him.
Eventually, this young man moved on to a different job. I hope he achieved something great, but unless he experienced some kind of break-through in his outlook, I suspect he’s still stuck in neutral.
People tend to think that when they are successful, they will feel confident, but I really think it works the other way around. The people who absolutely believe they can do something are the ones who commit themselves so fully that they ultimately can’t help but succeed.
Do confidence and optimism guarantee success in all things? Of course not. But I would argue that they are essential ingredients. It works like this: If you know you will win, you might win. If you think you might win, you will lose.
That said, success is a little like sourdough: If you’re starting from scratch, you’ll need a bit of a colonizing bacterial culture to get the desired reaction started. So if you’ve been struggling to make any meaningful progress on a goal for a long time, or if you are lacking confidence that you’ll ever get there, it’s important to create some “starter successes” that help you amplify your belief that you can do whatever you set your mind to.
Start with one very doable, immediate goal — something you can do today (self-care fundamentals like drinking an extra glass of water, eating some fresh vegetables or getting some activity can be a good place to start). And then, with single-minded focus and complete commitment — right away, so you can’t forget or get distracted — go do it.
Chalk up that success, feel it, and then set another, slightly bigger goal. Continue exercising your success muscles this way, knocking out doable goals daily for a couple of weeks, and soon your entire life will feel different. You will feel different.
Keep in mind that both the feeling of winning and the feeling of losing are totally contagious. Success or failure that begins in one area of your life tends to naturally spill over into other areas. So don’t make the mistake of tolerating a sense of hopeless, halfhearted “try-ing” in any part of your world.
Instead, take Yoda’s advice and simply decide to “do.” You’ll be amazed at the results. And, like Luke, you’ll discover that the Force was with you all along.
Source: https://experiencelife.com/article/the-power-of-optimism/
I traveled a rough road during my mid-30s. I never thought I’d get divorced at 32. But when confronted with losing myself in an unhealthy partnership or making a clean break, I realized I had only one option.
I felt horrible afterward. So naturally I plunged into another relationship to soothe the pain, but this relationship wasn't healthy, either. For four years, we broke up and got back together — over and over again.
My heart cracked into a thousand pieces. But I let the opening transform me. I discovered that suffering can prove a powerful agent for growth and personal development. And I emerged at nearly 40 a wiser, more compassionate, more grounded and happier person.
Here are a few of the lessons I learned during that time, and they're lessons that may help lead you to love and happiness.
1. Embrace fear in any way you can.
In my 20s, my greatest fear was being divorced and childless at 35. I pitied women in that position who wanted to have families. I could smell the cold sweat of their desperation.
Then it happened to me.
I was terrified. For a while, I carried that scent of panic with me. I worried that I would wind up a crazy cat lady, alone and unhinged.
So I walked straight into my fear. I turned my story around and chose to view my freedom as a gift rather than a curse. I did yoga teacher training, became a life coach, dove deeper into my writing, and learned to surf. I traveled to Costa Rica — where, it so happens, I met the love of my life and future husband.
It turned out that getting tossed headfirst into the crashing waves of my fear wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to me — it was the best. It taught me that most of my fears were irrational projections of what might happen in the future. The reality of my present was filled with loving friends and family, and exciting opportunities.
2. Make loneliness one of your friends.
I used to get shaky at the thought of spending time alone, especially without distractions. So I tackled that fear by heading off on my first 10-day silent Vipassana meditation retreat (then my second, then a third…).
This was the best piece of self-work I have ever done for myself. Seriously, I think I accomplished more by sitting quietly on a meditation cushion than I did in several years of therapy.
I calmed the chatter of my monkey brain. I got in touch with my higher self, who told me that everything was OK exactly as it was. I learned to accept things as they are.
3. Stand up and accept responsibility.
I could have blamed my divorce on my ex-husband. Sure, he had some pretty ridiculous ideas of what our marriage should look like. But what good would analyzing his flaws do me? I’m stuck with me for the rest of my life!
Through psychotherapy, spiritual books and self-analysis, I came to take responsibility for the role I played in the failure of my marriage. I recognized my naiveté, my willingness to compromise my values and my tendency to be judgmental. These were qualities I could change in myself, and help myself grow into a more balanced and self-aware person.
4. Find new ways to love yourself, without relying on others.
It’s such a cliché, but happiness starts and ends with loving yourself. I found my true love the moment I stopped looking for someone else to fill the hole in my soul, the moment I realized that I was more than enough.
Those single years were trying. But I came away with a profound sense of my own worth. I was so far from the desperate, panicked woman I imagined I might be. I was proud. I embraced adventure. And I had faith that life was taking me on precisely the journey I needed to have.
5. Don’t settle for less.
In those tumultuous years with my noncommittal boyfriend, my brain twisted itself into pretzels justifying our relationship. I wanted to be with someone who burst with enthusiasm for me. Instead, I settled on a man who was filled with ambivalence. I told myself this was the best I could do at my age.
Well, one day it just wasn’t enough. I put an end the seesaw ride. I wanted more. I deserved more.
No less than two weeks later, the handsome surfer I’d met in Costa Rica three years earlier called to tell me that he was single. My heart exploded. We plunged into the happiest, most fulfilling relationship of my life. I am utterly adored, and I totally adore him. I am so glad that I didn’t compromise. I am forever grateful that my higher self knew to keep the faith.
Source: https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14533/5-things-i-learned-about-love-after-my-divorce.html
Playing away from home used to be a case of one affair conducted in secret.
But technology means one is no longer enough - and lawyers say an increasing number of divorce cases involve partners embroiled with as many as five others.
Such clandestine trysts can be mostly or entirely conducted online with flirty text messages, Facebook posts or even LinkedIn messages proving many an adulterer's downfall.
Multiple law firms say they have seen a rising number of such cases, with one firm's cases rising from less than 50 a year to 65 over five years.
Abigail Lowther, associate solicitor with Hall Brown Family Law, which provided the figures, said that some of her female clients discovered that their other halves had had more than five flings.
She said that infidelity was "skyrocketing" compared to other types of divorce-related behaviour.
“Some women complained about technology quite literally putting temptation at their partners’ fingertips, providing them with opportunities to establish and maintain extra-marital relationships via social media and dating websites even while they are in the same room.
“Others remarked on how an improving economy had required their spouses to spend more time on business - either with colleagues or clients - with those business dealings leading to infidelity," she said.
Joanne Edwards, partner and head of family at Forsters said she had experienced a "marked increase in infidelity as a result of technology".
"Technology puts people within messaging distance of old or new flames and means that a spouse can be cheating when sitting in the same room with their husband and wife," she said.
Others warned that such affairs are more easily discovered because of the digital footprint they leave behind.
Joanna Pratt, partner and head of family at Thomson Snell & Passmore said in some cases people have "a different telephone for each liaison".
She added: "Technology has also made it easier for illicit relationships to be uncovered – people forget to close or properly delete emails, text messages are sent or received but not deleted, and photographs can appear on Facebook which although they might appear on a totally unconnected person’s Facebook page, disclose to the whole world the nature of relationships."
But lawyers also warned that such evidence would not be enough to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery.
"Finding suggestive or even explicit exchanges does not amount to enough proof to substantiate a claim of adultery.
“That specific allegation is the one likely to be contested, whereas the suggestion of unreasonable behaviour is generally thought by respondents to be more acceptable," added Ms Lowther.
The most recent figures from the ONS showed that 90 per cent of adults now have access to the internet.
Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/10/21/divorce-following-multiple-affairs-rise-flirty-texts-catch-adulterers/
