Whether you’ve been married for five days or 50 years, it’s hard to imagine the person you’re divorcing today is the same person to whom you once pledged your eternal and undying love. As the saying goes, the very traits that caused you to fall in love with a person are the same traits that caused you to fall out of love at the end of the relationship. The legal, financial, and emotional uncoupling gets even more complicated when you’re tangled up with a narcissist. Divorcing someone with narcissistic personality disorder or even narcissistic features can be a long, drawn-out and arduous affair (no pun intended) if you allow yourself to get sucked into their vortex. Here are 8 healthy and sane steps you can take to divorce on your terms, not theirs.
#1. Determine If Your Ex is a Narcissist.
Your ex can be arrogant, heartless, mean-spirited or an egomaniac, but that doesn’t necessarily make him or her a narcissist. Narcissists are notable for lacking empathy and accepting no responsibility - not even a little bit. People who lack empathy don’t feel sorry for the kitten they ran over, or for the family that is now mourning the loss of its pet, or even for the child who witnessed the accident; they will blame the family for letting its kitten roam the neighborhood, the kitten for not getting out of the way, or they might even chastise the family for the inconvenience of needing to rinse the road kill off their wheels.
Now imagine asking the person who is at the center of his or her own universe for a divorce. Are they going to have any insight to care at all about what brought this on, or what behaviors of theirs led you to this decision? Probably not. Are they going to work with you to co-parent the children and make the children feel safe and secure with the changes and uncertainty in their lives? Probably not. Even if they cheated on you, they will blame you for making them cheat. Even if they physically or emotionally assaulted you, you’re the one who made them do it. They will portray themselves as the victim; they will try to make you pay.
Once you determine and accept the fact that you are dealing with a narcissist, your guard must be up and you must accept that they will be extraordinarily difficult to deal with in a divorce no matter whether it is a child at stake or the steak knives. You can kill them with kindness and they still will go after you.
#2. Save Rational Thoughts for The Right Audience.
Bringing rational thoughts into any conversation with a narcissist is like bringing a squirt gun to a knife fight. Rational thoughts are to the narcissist what vegetables are to a toddler, feed them as much as you want, they will just spit it out. As much as the toddler wants ice cream and will throw a tantrum to get it, the narcissist doesn’t want to hear you, they just want to win. They want vindication to show the world they were right! Their tantrums come in the form of deflections, designed to keep you off balance, distracted, and in defensive mode. You can state, “I want primary custody of the kids because you abuse alcohol.” The narcissist will reply, “I can’t trust you with the kids because you slept with our son’s soccer coach.” While you’re expending energy explaining that you never met the soccer coach and his accusation says nothing about your ability to parent, it’s too late, you’ve already taken the bait and are discussing his or her preferred topic (your inability to parent) versus yours (his or her ability to parent).
Instead of arguing with your ex, calmly and rationally talk to your lawyer and let them speak on your behalf. Which brings up the next point…
#3. Hire a Divorce Attorney That Specializes in Narcissists.
If you own a Tesla electric car, you’re not going to take it to a mechanic that specializes in combustion engines. The same logic applies to legal representation, not all divorce attorneys are created equal. Some are good negotiators. Others are loudmouthed, aggressive sharks. But it takes someone who’s well versed in the tactics that narcissists use in court to create a strategy that keeps your divorce and especially custody proceedings moving through the legal process.
#4. Know the Road Ahead.
If you have children, you will need to convince a variety of people, each with their own agendas and biases, that you are the parent best equipped to care for your children. Your audiences include counselors, therapists, and judges. At each step, the narcissist will try to prove you’re unbalanced, incompetent, and a threat to your children. Remember the old movie “Gaslight?” If you react emotionally to any accusation during these proceedings, no matter now ludicrous, you’re playing into the image of you they’ve manufactured. Expect the unexpected and the worst behavior from your ex and you can’t be knocked off balance or surprised.
#5. Document. Save. File. Share.
It’s relatively easy for an ex to edit a text message, e-mail, or voicemail you‘ve left before sending it to their attorney as evidence against you. The only way to counter their claims is by providing the original message that was sent – this includes screen shots from your phone, “sent messages” from your e-mail outbox, and audio recordings of everything you tell them. The best way of keeping track of this is by minimizing communication with your ex and avoiding all possibilities of him or her provoking you, such as the PTA meeting where witnesses can recall what you do and do not say.
If you see proof of their bad judgment, aggressive behavior, or abuse on social media; capture it before you file for divorce, otherwise your ex can delete the offending posts, or their accounts, in a matter of seconds.
#6. Have a Plan, Stick to It.
Your plan is to reasonably divide your assets and responsibilities so that you and your children can move forward with your lives. For your children, this plan probably includes time with your ex even if your ex is a first-class narcissist. For you, it includes as little as contact with your ex as possible. But the narcissist sees things differently. For them, its win or lose; all for them, none for you. Any allowance you’re given is seen as a personal defeat, so they will spare any expense to keep you from your goals. Even if they invest $50k in legal fees to keep you from getting a $25k car, and you still get the car, they will feel justified in their actions because they can blame the unfair judge and take no ownership in the final decision. In fact, the judge’s decision might fuel their martyr complex for years to come, which is a victory for the narcissist. As part of your plan, know what you’re willing to give up, but demand that everything gets divided equally when you first discuss settlement so the narcissist feels he or she denied you something you really wanted, when it was actually a concession any rational person would have made on Day #1.
#7. Circle the Wagons.
In the Wild West, a caravan could best defend all members against an attack by circling the wagons and fighting from all sides. When divorcing a narcissist, you can expect to be hit from all angles, and blindsided when you least expect it. By surrounding yourself with close family members, friends, and counselors, you won’t need to battle your ex alone.
#8. Forgive Yourself.
Coming back to where we began, it is hard to imagine why you ever married a narcissist. Well, forgive yourself. Narcissists, by nature, want to win at all costs. During your courtship, you were the prize – so he or she likely piled on the charm, the romance, the sex, and the affirmation to claim you as their own and prevent others from being with you. In fact, his or her confident, charming, can-do, “always close the sale” attitude might be part of what attracted you to him or her in the first place. It’s after the sale is made, the deal is done, the validation of winning your love has been given, that the narcissist changes – and often turns their attentions to other prizes and goals (from job promotions and gambling to sports cars and lovers). This cold and calculated shift will eventually lead you to asking for a divorce. It’s okay, you didn’t see it coming this time – but now you know what narcissistic behaviors to look out for next time if and when you’re ready to find a new and worthier partner.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/8-simple-rules-when-divorcing-a-narcissist_us_5a31c967e4b0b73dde46aa0a
One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.
I clearly remember the moment my marriage ended. I didn't realize it then, but when my therapist stopped me mid-sentence and told me that it wasn't OK for my husband to treat me that way, it marked the beginning of my chaotic tumble toward divorce.
Unfortunately, our divorce was even more traumatic than the marriage itself. Narcissists, as I eventually learned, do not go quietly into the night; they use the legal system as yet another weapon in their arsenal of manipulation and fear. No lies are too far-fetched or outlandish for narcissists to tell. Divorce, to a narcissist, is just another way for them to continue their abuse, and the legal system becomes an unwitting pawn in their pathological game.
It's been four years since that moment in my therapist's office, and two years since my divorce was finalized. While most of the wounds have healed by now, if I had to do it over again, I would make many different choices along the way.
These are the top eight mistakes I made divorcing a narcissist, and how you can avoid making them yourself:
1. Don't accept the narcissist's version of history
Even amicable divorces don't tend to bring out the best in people, and people often find themselves questioning whether they ever really knew their spouse at all. Narcissists, however, misrepresent themselves from the get-go. As hard as it is to accept that the person you loved may have been lying to you all along, it's important to go back and revisit what you thought you knew about your spouse to adequately prepare for court.
2. Don't trust their olive branches
Narcissists need a constant supply of love and validation from their spouses. As soon as the relationship ends, you are no longer useful to them, and they will no longer feel any obligation to treat you civilly, much less with kindness. As a result, any and all overtures that seem to be based in compassion or concern for your well-being should be immediately viewed with suspicion.
One of the narcissist's favorite strategies is to couch misdeeds in terms of "concern" for you or your children. Never forget that the one and only person a narcissist cares about is himself. Expressions of caring and concern are a sign that you are being manipulated.
3. Don't get sucked in
During my divorce, I was shocked when my ex flat-out lied in court about things I had said. I quickly learned never to have a conversation with him anywhere other than in writing. I notified him that I would no longer speak to him in person or over the phone. Although he tried to start conversations during drop-offs, I simply ignored him and focused on my kids, and he eventually stopped trying.
Through time, I also recognized that he was using email to bait me. I learned to answer only the emails that were absolutely necessary, such as logistical questions about vacation time or drop-offs, and to keep them as brief, firm, and business-like as possible. Everything else went unanswered, no matter how inflammatory. The best way to strip a narcissist of his power isn't by arguing and feeding into his toxic and dysfunctional cycles — it's by refusing to engage at all.
4. Don't fall for the narcissist's script
Every narcissist has a pattern, if you look closely enough, and it is generally one of diversion. My ex's response to every situation where he was at fault in our relationship was the same; instead of discussing problems I raised, he would divert the conversation to a completely unrelated behavior of mine.
It is incredibly difficult to unravel a narcissist's script, particularly without being accused of being "high conflict." Had I been less caught off guard by my ex's diversionary techniques during our divorce, and recognized that they were the logical escalation of his relationship patterns, I could have focused on re-framing the real issues instead of constantly responding to his accusations. Dismissing his accusations out of hand would have removed their power (and his) and allowed me to focus my energies on the real issues, instead.
5. Don't expect to be believed in court — but make sure you have someone who does
My ex admitted to me before we separated that he had been lying to me, manipulating me, reading my email and my diary, and even engaging in emotional abuse. Suddenly, all of the strange behavior that had made me feel crazy wasn't so crazy at all — it was unmasked as purposeful, pathological gaslighting.
Because I was telling the truth, I naively expected that the court system would believe me. I quickly learned that emotional abuse largely doesn't exist in a court room and that the truth doesn't matter much, either.
Unfortunately, there is no magical solution to a broken legal system. What you can do to prevent re-victimization, however, is ensure that you do not look for validation of your experiences from a court. Instead, it is vital to have a solid support system in place with a designated person (preferably who has dealt with a narcissist) who can listen to you, hear you, validate your experience, and remind you that it isn't your fault.
6. Don't assume your abuse ended along with the marriage
One of the most frustrating things about divorcing a narcissist is that the abuse they inflict leaves serious damage, but the divorce occurs long before it has healed. Plus, since most abusers ramp up their abuse when their spouse tries to leave, the separation is often the most traumatic part of the relationship. This can leave the abused spouse reeling while the abuser is calm, collected, and methodically planning his every move. If the victim isn't careful, it's easy to play directly into his hand.
It is important to recognize that you are still being actively abused during the divorce, and as such, it is not possible to fully heal from the abuse. When victims acknowledge that the abuse is ongoing, it can help them refrain from making large life decisions and instead focus on stabilizing everything from their finances to their emotions. This emphasis on creating self-care routines and positive habits can bandage the wounds until the divorce is over and more active healing can begin.
7. Don't assume all attorneys are created equal
Once, in the middle of our mediation session, my ex became angry over a procedural point and halted the session while he raged at his attorney. As we waited for my ex to calm down, my attorney and the mediator kept asking me why I hadn't told anyone about his yelling and anger problems.
The truth was, of course, that I had related his emotional abuse, mistreatment of me and my kids, and even his mental health history to my attorney and the court, but it was all chalked up to differences in our perspectives. It was only when they saw him in action that they began to understand who he really was. I realized that even though my attorney tried to understand my case, she simply never grasped the reality of what we were dealing with, and we were always one step behind. An attorney who recognizes a narcissist's patterns and can head them off is invaluable.
8. Don't expect a narcissist to co-parent
Although the legal system may glorify co-parenting, it is important to recognize that any attempts you make to co-parent with a narcissist will be demonized or used as a weapon. Rather than giving the narcissist power over you, keep your life completely separate and communicate only where required.
You do not need to throw joint birthday parties, celebrate holidays together, or even participate in activities jointly. Keep your boundaries clear and firm, and recognize that your children are best served by maintaining them.
Through time, I have learned that I can best parent my children by accepting our reality and making sure that my daughters feel supported, heard, loved, and validated when they are with me. Their experience is far from ideal, but living the life we have is far healthier for all of us than spending it fighting in a court room.
Source: https://ravishly.com/2015/07/20/8-mistakes-i-made-divorcing-narcissist-—-and-how-avoid-them
Divorce is already a traumatic experience for most individuals and their families. Dealing with a toxic spouse who has it out for you makes the divorce process even worse by dragging out issues that could easily be resolved with compromise and agreements outside of the courtroom. If you and your spouse have children, child sharing might prove to be challenging even after the divorce if you are not able to get along and there is lack of cooperation from your spouse.
So what options do you have when you are dealing with a toxic spouse? Well, the first thing to remember is that you’re not alone in this journey. There are many individuals who are dealing with similar struggles and who are learning to cope. While it is not an easy process, it is a workable situation especially if you’re committed to living a more peaceful co-existence with your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
While I am not a marriage therapist, there are a few helpful suggestions I provide to clients to help minimize the stress of a difficult spouse during the divorce process. Here are a few of tips to consider:
1. Document, Document and Document: A spouse that fabricates the truth puts you in a very difficult position, especially if there is no hard evidence to back up your side of the story. That is why it is important to document everything in writing. This includes the time your spouse spends with the children, the monies that you notice he or she is taking from your joint bank accounts and any other issue of importance. If you document everything, including your communication with your spouse and there is any question as to the history of events, you will have a clear record of everything that has occurred up to that point in time. Stay organized during your divorce. The more organized you are and have complete logs of your finances and communication, the easier it will be to refute any lies that are thrown your way by your spouse. If you and your spouse have difficulty communicating especially when it comes to daily activities related to your children, you may want to look into web-based programs, such as “Our Family Wizard” that help you and your spouse easily communicate and schedule appointments.
2. Hire An Attorney: When you’re dealing with a difficult and controlling spouse, you may want to consider hiring an attorney. Having an attorney to neutralize the situation may prove to be helpful when you and your spouse are having problems communicating related to day to day activities, in addition to legal issues. However, make sure you do your due diligence in hiring an attorney that is the right fit for you and your situation. If you are tight on financial resources, hiring an attorney that is highly litigious and not resolution focused, may put more stress on the situation and may also drag out your divorce longer than needed.
3. Keep The Past In The Past: One way to diffuse a situation is to keep the past in the past. In a recent settlement I attended, one party used very expensive attorney time to hash out the details of the relationship. This is not helpful in diffusing an already tense situation. While divorce is painful, it is more painful when your focus is on the past and not on moving forward. One of the reasons why your spouse may be making this a difficult process is because he or she is holding onto the past. By focusing on the issues at hand and moving forward, it could be that extra nudge your spouse needs to also move forward.
4. Talk To A Therapist: It is helpful if you talk to a seasoned professional to help you through the divorce process, but more importantly to talk about how to deal with a controlling and manipulative spouse. A therapist will provide you with helpful tools on how to respond to a difficult spouse and allow you to vent about some of the concerns and frustrations you are dealing with during this transition time. It will also help you keep in check your own actions and help determine whether you are contributing to the situation as well. By hiring a therapist, you may avoid excessive attorney’s fees if it’s become your habit to vent your emotional frustrations to your attorney.
For many of you with children, once the divorce is finalized, the problems you experience with your difficult former spouse may not be over since the two of you remain in constant contact for the sake of your children. This persistent tension isn’t a new issue and is a continuation of the disagreements from marriage that the legal process unfortunately did not resolve. To alleviate the tension, you may want to consider the following:
- If possible, try to avoid limit any modification of the child sharing plan for at least a year. It’s important to see if the current child sharing plan is workable, not to mention routine is beneficial for your children.
- Always make a Plan B for your kids when you know your former spouse may flake or intentionally not exercise visitation to hurt you.
- Communicate when your spouse upsets you, but try to do so in a rational, non-emotional way.
- Communicate missed visitations and reiterate the next scheduled visitation and request a confirmation from your former spouse so as to avoid any miscommunication.
- Document the visitation schedule, any missed visits or appointments and any miscommunication. This will prove to be beneficial should there be any issue related to modification of child custody and visitation.
One nugget of wisdom that is important, not only in divorce but in dealing with relationships in general, is that you cannot control your former spouse and how he or she acts during this difficult time. What you can control is how you react and behave. With these helpful tips, you will hopefully be on the path to a more peaceful co-existence with your spouse during and after the divorce is finalised.
Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/caroline-choi/divorce-confidential-copi_b_4770722.html
