You Have The Power To Choose Your Attitude

In these moments when you want to lose your cool, it’s worth asking: What’s to be gained?

We’ve all had those moments of losing our cool. Often it happens in the car, when someone cuts us off and we lash out either vocally or demonstrably, venting our frustration into the vacuum. And sometimes it happens in a more public fashion. I witnessed two of these episodes recently, both in airports (another place that seems to send many of us over the edge).

In the first incident, a couple was late for their connecting flight, so late that the gate had already closed and the plane was in the process of pushing back. It was a small airport, and the rest of us watched as the woman banged on the door repeatedly, demanding that someone on the other side open it, and then both she and her partner turned on the gate agent, screaming at him and demanding to know why the plane had left without them. It was both fascinating and uncomfortable to watch, especially as their toddler wandered around the airport, happy and oblivious to his parents’ distress.

In the second incident, we were on one of the buses that takes you from the gate to your plane at Reagan National in D.C. It’s a silly experience, but necessary, and anyone who gets onto the bus early knows that there will be a period of waiting for the stragglers. As we all waited a man let loose to no one in particular (but apparently directed at his family) about what a stupid process it was, and how incompetent the people driving the bus were, and so forth, in a louder and louder voice. By the time we got to the plane, another, unrelated woman had joined in, complaining loudly for all to hear.

We’ve all been there. And yes there are places – in the car, in an airport – that tend to bring out the particular worst in all of us. But it’s worth asking ourselves in these moments,what’s to be gained? The couple in the first scenario did not berate themselves onto the plane, and frankly, who would want them there? The two individuals in the second scenario did not get us to the plane any faster, but they sure did irritate all of their fellow passengers.

Our attitude is a choice. We have no control over the attitudes and behaviors of others. Despite what we might tell ourselves, we can’t make other people better friends, partners, or colleagues. Banging on the door of the gate isn’t going to make the plane come back. And, most likely, yelling at the gate agent and calling him names isn’t going to get you better service.

The positive psychology researcher Shawn Achor tells us that 90% of our long-term happiness is predicted not by the world around us, but by how our brain processes the world around us. In other words, if we choose to see the world as out to get us, then that is how we will experience it. But of course, the flip-side of that is also true: if we choose to see the world as a generally positive, supportive place, then that is how we will experience it.

That doesn’t mean that bad things won’t happen. But it does take some of the perceived negative intent out of those things when they do. Maybe the person who just cut us off is late getting to the hospital to see a sick loved one, and not just a jerk. Maybe the gate agent is just doing his job, and not conspiring against us.

This has real implications for our work relationships, as well. While it would be lovely to think that we are surrounded by hard-working, supportive colleagues who always have our best interests at heart, we know that’s not always the case. Sometimes people let us down at work, and it has consequences for our ability to do our jobs well. Sometimes people aren’t good at their jobs, or don’t treat us the way we would like to be treated.

It bears repeating: you have zero ability to “fix” them, to change their behaviors or theirattitudes. All that you can do is choose how you will react. So in these moments, before your inclination is to lash out at them, take a deep breath and think about:

• What’s causing these feelings? I find that often when I get the most irritated in the car is when I’m running late somewhere, which is, of course, not the fault of all of the people around me. Is the root cause this other person’s actions or my own?
• What will my reaction get me? Is the momentary satisfaction of blasting another person worth the potential long-term impacts on our relationship? Will it get me the results that I am looking for?
• What do I not know about this situation? Is there a reason that this other person is behaving in this way? Are there some questions that I can ask to find out more?
• Who’s watching me? Who is going to learn from this moment, and what will they learn about appropriate behavior and about me?

A recent study in the European Journal of Work and Organizational Psychology found that venting and complaining at work actually increases the impact of negative experiences. This doesn’t mean one should be a Pollyanna about work and life, refusing to see that anything can possibly be wrong. It does mean that we can all benefit from choosing our attitudes, in work, in life, and especially when the stakes seem particularly high.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/choose-your-attitude_us_58f2441de4b0156697224fbf?utm_hp_ref=stress

You have the power over your mind... Control what you can and accept what you can't!

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength." 

- Marcus Aurelius


A few thoughts on how to manage the mind and focus on what we can control while accepting the things we cannot. Master the mind, and the rest will follow!


Access further insight, information, encouragement and support for helping you to Thrive after Divorce or separation at:


divorcedlifestyledesign.com


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What’s a Toxic Person & How Do You Deal With One?

You’ve probably read about the importance of not surrounding yourself with toxic people.
But what defines a toxic person? How do you know that you’re hanging out with one? And if you are,what can you do about it?

We asked two experts to share their take on toxic people along with their insight into navigating these kinds of relationships. Here’s what they had to say about what makes a person toxic, and how you can best deal with one.

So What’s a Toxic Person Really?

It’s not that the whole person is toxic. Rather, their behavior is toxic or your relationship with the person is toxic, said Jodie Gale, MA, a psychotherapist and life coach in Sydney, Australia.

“Often the person is deeply wounded and for whatever reason, they are not yet able to take responsibility for their wounding, their feelings, their needs and their subsequent problems in life.”

They may overidentify and act out the parts of who they are, such as the victim, bully, perfectionist or martyr, she said. “They act from these parts trying to get their needs met, albeit in an extremely unhealthy way.”

According to Gale, it’s common for people with toxic behavior to: create drama in their lives or be surrounded by it; try to manipulate or control others; be needy (“it is all about them all the time”); use others to meet their needs (such as “narcissistic parents”); be extremely critical of themselves and others; be jealous and envious of others, bemoaning their bad fortune and others’ good fortune; abuse substances or harm themselves in other ways, and be unwilling (or unable) to seek help from loved ones, a therapist or a recovery program.

What also feels toxic to you has to do with your reaction to the interaction, said Amy Tatsumi, MA, LPC, a psychotherapist and art therapist in Washington, D.C. Your reactions might include feeling betrayed, withdrawing, numbing yourself or being overly accommodating, she said.

This often happens “when healthy boundaries are crossed and we let go of our values.”

Both people play a role in toxic interactions. So it’s important to consider your personal role as well.

“A hallmark of a toxic interaction is that both people have created a conscious or unconscious story with judgment, fear or blame about the other person and boundaries that were crossed,” Tatsumi said.

Signs You’re Surrounded by a Toxic Person

Gale shared these signs:

• You’re emotionally affected by their drama
• You dread (or fear) being around them
• You’re exhausted or you feel angry while you’re with them or after your interaction
• You feel bad or ashamed about yourself
• You’re stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.
• Tatsumi shared these additional signs:
• The other person doesn’t respect the word “No” as a complete sentence
• When you’re with them, you feel like you’re “walking on eggshells”
• You ignore your own values
• You emotionally “check out”
• You feel like you’re being controlled, or you’re being overly controlling.

Again, it’s important to explore your own role in the interaction. For instance, how do you compromise your own values or boundaries? Do you lash out because you feel misunderstood or not listened to? Do you withdraw because this is how you react to criticism?

What to Do With Toxic Relationships

Gale offered these suggestions for navigating toxic interactions:

• Tell the person how you feel in an assertive way. Use “I” statements. For example: “When you act/do/say _____, I feel _____. What I need is _______. The reason that I am sharing my feelings and needs with you is_______ (because I love you, I want to build a healthy relationship with you etc.).”
• Set and maintain boundaries.
• Focus on taking care of yourself.
• “Find ways to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviours.”

Reflect on the relationship, and consider how you’re caught in an unhealthy cycle of relating to the person. For instance, you might be making excuses for them or trying to fix them.

“If the person’s toxic behavior doesn’t change, or the relationship is just too toxic for you, send them forward in life with love and compassion, and then move forward with your life,” Gale said.

Ending the relationship may be painful, particularly if you have a long history with the person, she said. “Ultimately though, you will have created space for much healthier and far more nourishing relationships in your life.”

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/28/whats-a-toxic-person-how-do-you-deal-with-one/

Exercises for Stress & Anger Management

Stress and anger often go hand in hand. As your stress levels rise, so do your levels of frustration and tension. Likewise, repressed or uncontrolled anger can cause aggravation and stress. If you think you have a problem handling anger and stress in your life, you may want to consider seeing a counselor. Effectively handling your anger requires a combination of stress and anger management exercises. You can learn these techniques on your own or discuss them with your therapist for maximum benefit.

Physical Exercise

Physical exercise is one of the most effective methods for reducing anger and stress, according to author Vicki L. Schutt in her book, "How to Effectively Control Your Anger." Physical exercise provides you with an opportunity to release your emotions, especially if you feel as if you're about to explode. Additionally, exercise can help to reduce stress levels by increasing your body's production of endorphins, which are natural "feel-good" neurotransmitters that promote feelings of well-being. The next time you feel stressed or angry, try going for a run or a walk.

Reframing Exercise

Reframing is a mental technique used to diffuse hostile feelings and anger, according to author Richard West and Lynn H. Turner in their book, "Understanding Interpersonal Communication: Making Choices in Changing Times." It helps by changing your attitude about a given situation and changing the "frame" around it so you can see it in a more positive, productive light. Write down your negative, angry feelings for two days. Any time you experience a negative or angry thought, write it down. At the end of these two days, see if you can notice a theme in your thought patterns. Perhaps there is a general feeling or need that is not being met. Take one of the negative, angry thoughts you've written down and try to figure out a positive or productive counter-argument. For example, if you've written "I hate everyone," or "Everyone is out to get me," you could think, "Everyone has bad days, other people have problems, too." This exercise is most helpful if you are able to discuss your reactions with a therapist or trusted friend.

Deep Breathing

Deep breathing exercises can help you to relax, take time out and help you to gain control over yourself and the situation you're in. Deep breathing can reduce stress and anger by re-focusing your mind on bodily sensations instead of negative, volatile thoughts. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, deep breathing exercises can help your body to relax itself. Sit in a comfortable chair or lie down. Place one hand on your stomach and close your eyes. Inhale and focus on filling your abdominal area, then your chest, with breath. Pause, and slowly exhale. Continue breathing in this manner until you feel calmer and more relaxed.

Progressive Relaxation

Progressive relaxation is a technique that can relieve stress, anger and tension. According to the University of Maryland Medical Center, this exercise is best performed lying down. You consciously tense and relax the major muscle groups in your body. Close your eyes, and tense your toes and feet for a few seconds, then release. Next, tense your calves and lower leg, then release. Continue tensing and relaxing your muscles until you get to your head. As you tense and relax each muscle, breathe deeply and allow your mind to focus solely on the physical sensations you are experiencing.

Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/335841-exercises-for-stress-anger-management/

How Do I Help a Stressed Friend Or Loved One?

It’s difficult when we feel the heavy weight of anxiety bearing down on us, but watching a loved one deal with it can be just as hard. In fact, one of the most common questions we hear from our meQuilibrum community is, “How do I help my partner/child/sibling/parent/friend who’s really stressed?” So we decided to dedicate this week’s Cup of Calm to providing concrete ways you can help a loved one in distress return to a place of calm and capability.

April is Stress Awareness Month, which is all about increasing public awareness of both the causes and cures for our modern stress epidemic. In that spirit, we’ve put together a list of meQuilibrium’s top tips for soothing anxiety in others, from our Chief Science Officer Dr. Andrew Shatté.

It’s common to feel frustrated or powerless. The key? Counterbalancing the physical symptoms of anxiety and helping to put the issue in perspective. Here are five actionable ways to do just that:

1. Help them reconnect with the present. When someone you love is in the throes of anxiety, your first instinct might be to urge them to “calm down” or to “just relax.” But this may not be possible, because anxiety has a physical component that you can’t always “think” your way out of. “Anxiety is triggered when we perceive a threat, and that perception, accurate or not, causes a release of adrenaline,” says Shatté. “It activates the sympathetic nervous system, an age-old way to get us to flee from danger. We sweat, and we even get dry mouth as a way to preserve moisture. Any activity that requires blood or energy shuts down, so we get cold feet and tingling fingers.” These sensations are real, so don’t invalidate them. Instead, help your loved one reconnect with the present moment. You can do this by asking them to close their eyes and notice their body or what’s going on around them: the feeling of their feet touching the ground, the weight of their hands in their lap, the quiet hum of an air conditioner or heater.

2. Get them moving. Next, help them begin to calm down their body. Encourage them to take a deep breath, which reduces anxiety—breathing deeply activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which balances out the sympathetic nervous system and works to calm us down. Ask them to take 5 to 10 deep breaths, or try walking them through a breathing exercise. Offer them a drink of water, which eases an upset stomach and dry mouth. Then, get active. When Shatté’s kids feel nervous, he takes them on a walk, “because anxiety has that motivational piece of wanting to run away,” he says. “Behaviorally, walking forward is the exact opposite. Moving toward something shows you have nothing to fear.”

3. Help them get perspective. Imagine you’re standing in a dark, unfamiliar room. Fearful of what could be lurking in the shadows, you stumble around, blindly searching for the exit. Not very pleasant, right? Now imagine you’re in the same room, but someone switches on the light. There may be obstacles in your way, but you can see the exit—and your path becomes clear. This is a good analogy for anxious thinking. When anxious thoughts are rattling around in our mind, it’s easy to get lost or overwhelmed. Simply naming our worries can bring some much-needed clarity. Turn on the light for your loved one by asking them to clearly verbalize what they fear. The trick is to get those thoughts out of their head and into the light, so they become less scary—and less believable.

4. Ask “then what?” Once you understand their fears, walk them through worst-case scenarios. Maybe your spouse is worried about a stressful meeting with a boss. Ask, “And then what?” They might be afraid of being criticized. “And then what?” They may be afraid of getting fired, losing their income, and ending up on the street. Walking them through these steps illustrates how remote our worst fears often are. For example, the chances of one high pressure meeting ending in your home being repossessed is unlikely, to say the least. “When people are anxious, they often go well beyond the evidence in front of them—they go from layoffs to a dumpster,” Shatté says. Verbalizing worst-case scenario fears helps to neutralize them.

5. Bring positivity into the balance. It’s human nature to spend more time and energy on the negative events in our life than we do the positive—but this keeps us stuck in survival mode. In order to truly thrive, we have to mindfully bring more positivity into our lives. So, once your loved one has found a place of calm, help them shift their thinking to the positive. Have them list three things they are grateful for—there is no wrong answer, and nothing is too small to qualify. Bonus points for writing it down. To help prevent future anxiety, encourage your loved one to make it a habit—beyond reducing stress, the scientifically-proven benefits of this practice range from better sleep to improved self-esteem.

By helping a loved one cope with anxiety, you’re helping them to guard against it. Coping isn’t easy, but by offering your support, you can ensure that your loved one doesn’t have to tackle it alone.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-do-i-help-a-stressed-friend-or-loved-one_us_58ee2f89e4b0ea028d568e88?utm_hp_ref=stress