I'm Divorcing: 5 Tips for Coordinating Family Vacations With Your Ex

With summer just around the corner, many families are looking forward to annual family vacations. A lot of effort and money goes into vacation planning. For divorcing or divorced parents, the possibility of a former spouse interfering with a planned vacation becomes yet another logistic to consider. Here are five tips for pleasant vacation planning.

Before you sign the custody agreement:

1. Set out clear holiday and vacation rules

People often spend months negotiating a fair child custody agreement, and some even resort to court-ordered custody agreements. Such custody orders typically include vacation and holiday time for both parents. But unless holiday and vacation rules are laid out clearly, planning a getaway with the kids can become a point of contention.

2. Clarify which weeks belong to each parent

Sometimes, like during spring break or Labor Day weekend, both parents may want to travel with the kids at the same time. Avoid this type of conflict by spelling out in a court order which weeks each party gets to spend with the kids. If you can’t sort out exact timing during the divorce, then at a minimum, include a provision in the custody order whereby one party gets its choice of vacation weeks in even years and the other party gets its choice in odd years.

3. Don’t agree to restricted travel

Parties can also agree, or a court may order, to restrict the right to travel with children beyond a certain mileage radius, outside a particular geographical area or outside the country. Some parents agree to these restrictions rather than fight them, but this is shortsighted.

Even if a party has no immediate plans to travel a significant distance, and even if both parties are unconcerned about the other party traveling long distances with the children, they need to consider that, in the future, traveling a greater distance may become important. At that point, they will not want to go back to court to modify an order to allow unrestricted travel.

When planning a vacation

4. Sign and notarize a travel consent form

Many people do not realize that the non-traveling parent can prevent the traveling parent from leaving the country with the children, dashing all hopes of that exotic Caribbean vacation. In order for children to be taken out of the country, not only do they need valid passports, but both custodial parties need to provide authorization. This often requires signing a parental consent form in the presence of a notary.

5. Require detailed travel and contact information

When traveling with children, even domestically, it’s helpful if the custody order stipulates that the traveling party must provide full information in advance of travel. This includes specific travel documentation, such as flight numbers, arrival times, departure times, hotel information and a contact number where the children can be reached for regular communication or in case of emergency.

Whatever the vacation provisions, remember that kids enjoy travel time with their parents. Preventing the children from enjoying this time in order to exact revenge on a former spouse by making life difficult for them will only hurt the kids in the end.

Source: https://www.parentmap.com/article/divorce-coparenting-family-vacation-ex

Divorce Filings Peak in August and March

The summer and the holiday season may put a strain on your marriage. That’s according to new research from the University of Washington that suggests divorce rates follow a biannual pattern, spiking in August and March, Refinery29 reports.

On August 21, researchers presented their findings at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association in Seattle. Analysis of 14 years of divorce filings in Washington state revealed that the chances of a couple filing for divorce rose considerably during those two months. One possible explanation researchers gave for the trend is the raised expectations, and inevitable disappointment, that comes with the winter and summer holidays.

“[The holidays] represent periods in the year when there’s the anticipation or the opportunity for a new beginning, a new start, something different, a transition into a new period of life,” researcher and associate sociology professor Julie Brines said in a press release. “It’s like an optimism cycle, in a sense.”

Brines also points out that these seasons represent “culturally sacred times,” so filing for divorce in the middle of summer vacation or before a trip to see the in-laws might be seen as inappropriate. Though the study was limited to couples in Washington state, researchers said they found comparable patterns in Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona where divorce laws are similar but demographics and economic conditions diverge.

Data based on general break-ups rather than divorces specifically also suggests that spring is a rough time for love. When data visualization expert David McCandless searched 10,000 Facebook statuses for the phrases “break up” and “broken up,” March was one of the months that came up the most. The second peak he saw also occurred around the winter holidays, but Facebook users tended to get their splits out of the way two weeks ahead of Christmas rather than riding the relationship out until the new year. Fewer presents to buy that way.

Source: http://mentalfloss.com/article/85270/divorce-filings-peak-august-and-march

Divorce is seasonal, peaks following family vacations

University of Washington sociologists find - from biannual patterns of filings for divorce - that divorce is seasonal during the periods following winter and summer vacations.

Divorce appears to peak during the times following winter and summer vacations.

Associate sociology Prof. Julie Brines and doctoral candidate Brian Serafini presented the findings at theAnnual Meeting of the American Sociological Association in Seattle, WA.

The results of the research suggest that divorce filings could be driven by a "domestic ritual" calendar governing family behavior.

The team found that divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March - times that follow winter and summer holidays.

Prof. Brines mentions that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships, and they might believe that if they have a happy Christmas or a successful camping trip, everything will be "fixed" and their lives will improve.

However, in reality, those periods of the year can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many, and they may expose cracks in a marriage. The seasonal nature of divorce filings may reflect the disillusionment unhappy spouses experience when vacation time does not live up to their high expectation, the research team points out.

New school year may influence divorce month in couples with children

"People tend to face the holidays with rising expectations, despite what disappointments they might have had in years past," says Prof. Brines.

"They represent periods in the year when there's the anticipation or the opportunity for a new beginning, a new start, something different, a transition into a new period of life. It's like an optimism cycle, in a sense. They're very symbolically charged moments in time for the culture," she adds.

Couples may make a conscious decision to file for divorce in August, following the family vacation, and before the kids start back at school. Prof. Brines and colleagues examined the reason for the divorce spike in March. Given that March is a few months after the winter holidays, is there still a connection between divorce and vacations?

Prof. Brines suggests that while considerations for divorce are the same during both peak periods - sorting finances, finding an attorney, summoning the courage to go ahead - the start of the school year may hasten decisions for couples with children in August.

The divorce peak in March could also be influenced by the trend of a rise in suicides in spring. Experts also indicate that the extra daylight and increased activity during that time of year elevates mood enough to motivate people to act.

Pattern of divorce was tied to family holiday periods

Prof. Brines and Serafini were initially investigating the effects of the recession - observing rising unemployment rates and declining house values - on marital stability.

While examining divorce filing throughout Washington, the team noticed monthly variations with the pattern of heightened filings emerging in March and August. "It was very robust from year to year, and very robust across counties," Prof. Brines explains.

After accounting for other seasonal factors, including the housing market and unemployment, the pattern remained.

The team hypothesized that if the pattern was tied to family holidays, other court actions involving families - such as guardianship rulings - should show a similar trend, which proved correct.

During the recession, patterns had a slight shift, with a peak earlier and later in the year and more unpredictability in trends. Prof. Brines notes that this trend disruption is unsurprising given the uncertainty around financial considerations, such as housing values and employment. However, the pattern shift during the recession was not statistically significant.
Seasonal divorce persisted in states with simpler divorce processes

Two of the 39 counties in Washington were excluded - Lincoln and Wahkiakum - as they are among the few places nationwide to allow divorce to proceed via mail without a necessary court appearance.

Anyone in Washington can file for divorce in Lincoln and Wahkiakum, and given the simpler divorce procedure, the researchers expected the results to be skewed by including these two counties.

However, while examining Lincoln County - which has accepted divorce by mail since 2001 - they found the pattern was the same as the rest of the state, although more pronounced.

"That leads me to think that it takes some time emotionally for people to take this step. Filing for divorce, whether you do it by mail or appear in court, is a big step."
Prof. Julie Brines

Future research will examine if the trends noticed in Washington also apply to other states. Prof. Brines and Serafini have already analyzed data for Ohio, Minnesota, Florida, and Arizona - states that have similar laws to Washington but have different demographics and economic conditions.

During the recession, Florida and Arizona were hit hard by the real estate collapse, and Ohio had above average unemployment rates. Despite those differences, the seasonal divorce peaks persisted.

"What I can tell you is that the seasonal pattern of divorce filings is more or less the same," Prof. Brines concludes.

Source: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/312444.php

Developing Co-parenting Plans for the Holidays

The organisation of parenting schedules during family vacations and festivities.

Parenting after divorce presents special challenges and complications during holiday periods. This is no surprise, given that holidays can be challenging even for two-parent co-resident families, with additional commitments and obligations, figuring out holiday plans, blending traditions and deciding where festivities will be held. These can be stressful periods for separated families, and there is a lot to figure out. Yet especially during the holiday season, mothers and fathers must do all they can to put aside their differences and allow their children as much parenting time as possible, for the good of all. Particularly for children, spending time with extended family members on both sides is very important, and they should be allowed to enjoy a stress- and drama-free holiday with both mom and her family, as well as dad and his family.

Because the added stress of holiday periods can lead to heightened conflict between divorced parents, it is especially important that parents make a concerted effort to cooperate for their children’s sake. It is not an easy task to make the holidays go smoothly. It is important to think in advance about some of the issues parents may face:

Dealing with Grief and Loss: The first set of holidays following a divorce is likely to be the most difficult because the parents are still figuring out what works, and what doesn’t, in terms of co-parenting. In addition, changes to and the loss of shared family customs, and the creation of new traditions, will elicit difficult feelings for all family members. Even if the divorce occurred earlier in the year and there has been ample time to deal with it, the first set of holidays are still going to present challenges. There is a grieving period that comes with the first holidays following a divorce, with the realization that things are no longer going to be the same. The first holiday season in particular typically tends to be a very difficult time for everyone in the family. While the children often have the most difficult time adjusting, the entire family is dealing with a sense of loss. Yet even though the parents are likely dealing with plenty of their own issues, the holidays are a time when it becomes more important than ever to attempt civility. This is particularly important because children are more sensitive around the holidays, because of the increased focus on traditional family events with the idea of everyone coming together to celebrate. The cultural belief of families coming together at such times is what causes children and parents to feel an acute sense of grief during the holidays, and to feel lost and displaced. It is vital that parents recognize that the priority should be on the needs of the child.

Making Decisions: There are numerous decisions that need to be made in terms of celebrating the holidays under the new circumstances of parental separation. How will the time be split? What traditions will continue and what new rituals need to be established? When divorced parents have unequal financial arrangements, finances may arise as an issue, as some challenging situations, such as one parent trying to outdo the other, may arise. Equity is important for children; there may be an agreed upon spending limit or parents may make an attempt to still give joint gifts. The gifts being purchased also need to be discussed so that the child isn’t receiving duplicate gifts. All of this requires communication and planning. The holidays may provide a critical opportunity for divorced parents to start learning to communicate more effectively in the interests of their children, and setting the tone for compromising and making joint decisions.

Negotiating Changes: With divorce comes change, and both parents and children struggle with the process of accepting that change. A large part of that may be developing new rituals and traditions around the holidays. Many parents have an open conversation with their children about which rituals are most important to them and how they are to be retained, with or without the other parent. In some cases parents try to avoid getting hung up on established traditions and focus more on creating a holiday that brings their children joy. Holidays after divorce do not have to follow the patterns of previous holidays, or conform to preconceived ideas about holiday traditions. They may involve children in entirely new activities. It is not always easy to move on from old traditions, as parents think, "This is how we used to do it." In moving forward with new plans, parents become role models for handling change for their children. Parents can also view new arrangements as a bonding opportunity as they create their own new traditions with their children. Many parents keep some of the very meaningful past traditions but also create new ones.

Spending Time Together: I recall my son's delight during the first summer holiday after my divorce when his mother and I spent an afternoon enjoying a game of badminton, after a difficult period of estrangement. Another one of the bigger decisions to be made during the holidays is the idea of divorced parents sharing some of the holiday time and traditions. There are potentially serious drawbacks to such sharing, but the potential benefits to children cannot be ignored. However, parents need to put serious thought into whether they can handle spending time together without any major tension or fights, and it is also important to have an up-front conversation with the children to ensure they are not given a false sense of hope. Children will enjoy an opportunity for time and traditions shared simultaneously with both parents, but need to understand that parents spending time together during a family event does not mean they are getting back together. A time frame on time together will lessen the likelihood of children assuming that parents are getting back together. It is also important that parents consider any extended family who may be present. For some families, extended family members may be the ones who cause tension. If grandparents on either side are going to be less than civil toward the ex, then problems will arise. Parents need to set the agenda and the tone in advance for how events involving extended family members are going to take place.

A well-designed co-parenting plan should spell out in some details the specifics of time arrangements during holidays, vacations and special festivities, with the particular needs of children considered in the first instance. Agreements with respect to parental communication, decision-making, accommodating changes, and spending time separately and together are essential to pre-empting tensions and crises during what is a special and sacred time for children and parents. Children will thrive when spending time with both parents and extended families, especially during the holidays. Keeping in mind the special challenges of co-parenting during family vacations and festivities is an important measure to allow them to do so during these special occasions.

Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201512/developing-co-parenting-plans-the-holidays

Putting Children First: The Best Gift Divorced Parents Can Give Their Children This Holiday Season

Holidays can be stressful for everyone, but for children of divorced or separated parents, the holidays can be especially challenging. Despite this reality, divorced parents (as well as parents that are separated and considering divorce) can ease the tension, maintain their sanity and grace and create happy holiday memories for their children and themselves for years to come. The opportunity to create a positive out of what is often viewed as a negative depends on the divorced parents’ ability to plan ahead and the level of conflict between them. Where parental or custodial conflict exists, courts — as opposed to the parents — often end up deciding how children will spend their holidays. However, there are many ways divorced or separated parents can handle custody during the holidays.

Some parents will alternate each holiday on an annual basis. In this scenario, one parent may have certain holidays in even numbered years and the other parent will have the same holidays in odd numbered years or vice versa. One drawback to alternating holidays annually is that one parent will have to face the disappointment of not being with his or her children every holiday each year. In order to try and soften the impact of this loss, divorced parents should plan ahead for the absence their children during the holidays by making alternate plans with their extended families or loved ones, planning to be away or scheduling events to soften the blow of not being with your children on these special occasions. All of these diversions may help maintain the non-custodial parent’s emotional state and health during these times.

Other divorced or separated parents may choose to equally split the hours of the day on each holiday. This method allows both parents to have time with their children on each holiday annually. However, depending on the child or children, this can be stressful for them, as it may lead to a hectic schedule on what should be a care free and joy filled time. In addition, equally splitting the holidays on an annual basis means increasing the number and frequency of transitions for the kids as well as increasing the parents’ interactions, which can often lead to disagreements or added stress to an already chaotic holiday season. If there is ongoing conflict or even a likelihood for conflict, equally splitting the holidays each year may not be the best option for children during holidays.

Before deciding to split the holidays equally on an annual basis or alternating which parent has custody of the children, divorced parents should consider if there is increased “chaos” for their children and select a schedule that will best suit their child or children’s personality.
An alternative to equally splitting the holidays on an annual basis is for one parent to arrange a family dinner on the weekend immediately before or following the holiday. For example, if a dad’s extended family lives out of town, Thanksgiving could be spent with mom, and dad could celebrate a Thanksgiving holiday meal the weekend following Thanksgiving. The key to successful holiday scheduling for divorced and separated parents is to plan in advance, to maintain a consistent level of flexibility and cooperation while consistently considering the least disruptive schedule for their children.

As unconventional as it may sound, some divorced or separated parents may consider celebrating part of the holidays together with their children. In even rarer situations, parents may agree to celebrate the holidays with their children and their extended families — made up of both divorced parents and their former in-law families all together. People are often shocked when they hear that divorced families celebrate holidays together as they did when they were married and living together. This arrangement occurs in the minority of divorced families and usually only works in families where the divorced parents are cooperative and high functioning in co-parenting their children. To break bread and manage to sit at the dinner table with your former spouse and his or her extended family members truly requires that parents be “grown ups,” perhaps bite their tongues a bit and rise above the problems of their prior marriage. Divorced or separated parents that are able to celebrate holidays together as they did when they lived together as an intact family must be extremely “child-focused.” If there is the slightest chance for conflict between the parents or extended family members, opt for a different holiday custodial arrangement. There is nothing worse than spoiling a holiday or other celebratory time in a child’s life than participating in conflict, hostility and unnecessary drama. The last thing any parent wants to do is create a holiday memory filled with angst or argument as it will create a lasting impression for the children. For those parents that can agree to share the holidays, they should ensure that their children understand that mom and dad are just together to celebrate the holiday as a family, and it doesn’t mean that the parents are reconciling.

Finally, there are some divorced parents that are unable to be with their child or children at all during the holidays. In these situations, the absent parent may consider making an audio or video tape for the child or children to play during their absence or, with technology, the unavailable parent may schedule to speak by telephone or Skype. Some psychologists suggest that, with younger children, the absent parent make a video or audio reading of a holiday book or send a special video message to the child or children to fill the void of that parent’s absence.

The most important thing for divorced parents to remember is that the holidays are about their children, not them. Even if you are unable to be with your children during a holiday, encourage them to enjoy themselves with the other parent and their extended family. Try to embrace the spirit of the holiday season, let go of anger and be thankful for what you have versus what you have lost.

If there was an 11th hour holiday schedule negotiation last year and no ongoing holiday schedule for this year, set up a holiday schedule now. The best practice is to communicate with the other parent by email or text. Be sure to include specific details about when the holiday period begins and ends, where the custodial exchanges will take place, who is responsible for handling the exchange and be sure to pack any special clothing items the children may need to celebrate the holiday at issue. Ensuring that your children feel secure (as opposed to disappointed) far exceeds the pain of a brief conversation with the other parent. Better yet, write an objective business-like email to iron out holidays plans as far in advance as possible. In addition, plan in advance with your extended family and don’t be afraid to ask for their understanding and help if your custody holiday schedule does not match their expectations of the holidays. Uncertainty breeds anxiety. Divorced families can enjoy holidays in the same way that intact families do — perhaps even with a little less drama. Everyone will be happier knowing what to expect and avoiding conflict on the eve of the holidays will give both parents the ability to carry on traditions and create new ones, which will remain with their children for a lifetime. What better gift could a parent give?

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/randi-l-rubin/putting-children-first-th_b_2101588.html