Life 2.0: Coping with Divorce

If there was one thing in my life I knew for certain, it was that my wife and I were going to be together forever. That was until Christmas Eve 2014 when suddenly my life was turned upside down and the previously inconceivable idea that we wouldn’t be together, became a reality. This solid structure we spent years building together suddenly came crashing down.

At the time of events, we’d been married for 8 years and together for a total of 15 years — 40% of my entire life — and it was near impossible to imagine life without her. During the first twelve months of our separation, I had two recurring visuals. The first was of myself running shirtless, feverishly as fast as I could, down the sidewalk of a crowded Los Feliz Blvd, through concerned and confused onlookers walking three abreast, to where I don’t know. The other visual was of myself trying to keep afloat deep in a wild river, desperately trying to pull myself upstream over jagged rocks, until I realized that my attempts were useless and that it was time to let go. Surrendering, the raging waters led me down to a calmer, winding river taking me where I’m meant to be. 

In addition to attending therapy on Friday afternoons, I read articles about separation, divorce, change, how to cope with loss, and how to move on. I read how many divorced men isolate themselves and become more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure, and strokes than married men. More troubling, I read how divorced men are also more likely to commit suicide than married men. 

I discovered articles from others who’d been through a divorce who shared how no matter what, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you will survive this. There was a period where I honestly wasn’t sure that I was going to be one of those who’d get through this. I knew I had a choice either to sink or swim. I thought about those who get stuck, those unable to turn their life around, and the very fear of drowning from this provided me with enough motivation to swim to the top.

I was determined to not just survive but harness the energy to inspire change and experience the wisdom that grief offers, and hopefully to later help others.

What I’ve learned over the past two and half years is that grief takes time and it goes through various stages and in various phases. There is no fast-forward button. You need to be present, you need to be kind to yourself and you need be patient. You will slip up every now and then, be it through ruminating over events or perhaps escaping through bad habits like drinking too much, but you need to stay determined that you will get through this.

Initially, all you’ll want is either for your life to miraculously go back to how it was — whether those times were actually good or bad — or you’ll want to magically come through the other side, land on your feet, and move effortlessly into your new life.

The fact is you can’t speed through the stages. In an attempt to understand and reconcile why and how you’ve been forced to go through this grief, there will be times where you will “make sense” of your grief because it has now perhaps led you down this new path that otherwise wouldn’t have happened. It’s only natural that we try to make sense of events. 

There’s nothing wrong with this; in our grief we need something to hold onto — we need to know that this hurt is not in vain. The truth is, even if our separation or divorce awoke something in us and led us down a new path, it’s important to be know that our new path we’re on won’t always be an easy, straight line. There will be uneven surfaces, you will walk two steps forward and one back, and the path will get obscured or lead you to what appears to be one dead end after another. But you have to trust and believe you are on the right path and you just need to keep walking.

Life after separation or divorce is a journey. It is a journey of discovery and rediscovery. Healing from your loss doesn’t mean you no longer feel sadness when thinking about your ex, the memories and the life you shared together, but learning and growing from the experience to bring you closer to yourself.

Source: https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/01/02/life-2-0-coping-with-divorce/

Divorce Is Your New Beginning

Just as a brand new year is upon you, after divorce you have a new life in front of you.

It’s true that you may be overwhelmed, stressed, sad, frustrated, excited, enthusiastic, full of anticipation... or all of the above.

There are some powerful ways to make the most of your new life and this new year, and I’m sharing several of them with you here:

1. Put out a BOLO.
It can be easy and/or tempting to dread what could come next. I mean, seriously, you’ve just been through quite an ordeal and it’s a challenge to put on some rose-colored glasses. I get it.

Instead, try expecting positive things to happen. BOLO is police slang for “be on the lookout,” as in “we put out a BOLO for the suspicious character.” I suggest choosing to put out BOLOs for miracles, magical happenings and positive outcomes.

2. Work it out.
Release the heavy baggage from your previous relationship and lean into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the end of your marriage by talking out your feelings with a therapist, divorce coach or support group, and focusing your energy on a healthy activity you enjoy.

If you find yourself resisting the idea of therapy or coaching, you might want to keep in mind that neither means you have a problem, something is wrong with you, or that you’re in crisis. Each can be a way to work toward your new and better life, with those who have no agenda but the agenda you set!

3. Learn to love yourself.
The idea of loving yourself may sound cheesy or ridiculous, and it’s a fact that many people feel a dip in self-esteem and lot of self-rejection after a divorce.

If you think there must be something wrong with you because you couldn’t make your relationship work, you’re not alone. It’s important to work on increasing your self-confidence and faith in yourself, and recognize you’re just fine and on the way to getting better and better.

Let this time, and this year, be the year you really fall in love with yourself.

4. Rediscover who you used to be, and discover who you want to become.
If you were married for a long time, you may have stopped doing some of the things you enjoyed as a single person. Maybe you loved to go out, but your wife was a homebody. Maybe you always loved going to the theater, but your husband hated it.

Make a list of the hobbies and interests you had before your marriage, and give them another whirl. You might find renewed interest in them again, or even discover new ones you like better. Both are important to rebuilding yourself after divorce.

5. Discover your new self.
The great news about a life-changing period such as divorce is this: you get to shake things up and try new things, go new places, and meet new people.
Get a new haircut, wardrobe, or occupation. Try new sports, places of worship, or go back to school. You might even be able to move to a new city, or spend a year living somewhere amazing like Paris or Tuscany.

You can’t completely just lose your mind, turn your back on real-life obligations, and throw caution to the wind (although that sounds fun and exciting, doesn’t it?). Chances are you have some very real considerations like kids, a business, and a budget {one that may have been seriously impacted by the divorce}.

I’m going to bet there are some real changes and opportunities that are well within your reach. As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, go for it!

6. Go it alone. For at least awhile.
Being alone doesn’t mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being in a rush to get re-coupled up.

Many newly-singled folks jump out of the frying pan and into the fire. Without taking the time to get to know yourself again, heal your wounds, and find your new equilibrium, you run of the risk of finding yourself right back here {on the other side of a divorce or break-up} in short order.

Take the time it takes to find yourself again.

7. Meet new people ... of the opposite sex.
Just because you need to spend some time alone doesn’t mean you need to spend all your time alone.

This isn’t about rebounding. It’s about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone {try someone who’s not your type} without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

Turn your usual preferences inside out and stretch your dating horizons a bit. Dating is supposed to be, and can be, loads of fun.

8. Embrace your new life, and this new year.
You are going to have the opportunity to learn new things, go new places, and meet new friends.

Married a long time? Your spouse probably handled certain aspects of life and even household responsibilities. Now it’s all up to you, and it’s likely to go less than perfectly. News flash: that’s a-okay!

If your partner was always the one responsible for the money, such as earning it, managing it, investing it, then suddenly you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility. Learning something new can give you confidence in your own ability.

You don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Create a team to help you make smart decisions and wise moves. If you don’t have a financial advisor and CPA, start there. Find new advisors or rely on the ones who have served you well in the past.

Divorce, like every new year, brings with it the opportunity for amazing personal growth and transformation - it is just disguised as an awful period of time that seems to last forever. 
Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and expected unexpected moments of fabulousness.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/honoree-corder/divorce-is-your-new-beginning_b_6425062.html