Last week a woman said something to me that stopped me in my tracks. It had occurred within the context of a conversation we were having about the death of my husband last year when she asked me how I was coping. I explained that I was getting back on my feet. It was then she said,
“You’re lucky; death is so much easier than divorce.”
Had I heard her correctly? She went onto explain, saying that before she’d divorced her husband she had often wished him dead because all her troubles would have disappeared overnight.
I’ve often heard people in unhappy marriages discuss how much easier it would be if the other person died rather than going through a breakup. I must say that when I was in a miserable relationship, I once had that thought, and, as fleeting as it was, the shame of it stayed with me long after the relationship had ended.
In the cold light of day, death would seem to instantly resolve many problems: not having to make the decision to leave, not having to risk breaking up the family, or threatening the security of the family home or finances, no on-going power struggle with the ex, no co-parenting problems, no loss of self-esteem or friends, and no legal battles.
Divorce, on the other hand, seems to be more complicated as it can create a sense of failure for not making the marriage work. You can experience guilt, even, as a result of feelings of not trying ‘hard enough’. Having to continually communicate with your ex can cause issues to arise, especially if there are children involved.
If the divorce is particularly acrimonious, one of the hardest things to endure is the inner conflict of wanting to be a good single parent and be nice to the ex in front of the kids versus wanting to scream at him/her for ruining your life!
Interestingly, a study from the University College Dublin in 2004 revealed thatchildren suffer more from the effects of a divorce than the death of a parent. It stated that the children of divorced parents were more likely to suffer from depression, have poor social skills, and do worse at school compared to children who experienced parental bereavement. Does it also challenge the view that a child would be better off with divorced parents than to be raised in a ‘bad marriage’?
Having experienced both divorce and death as a partner, and a mother, I can report several correlations.
In both cases, the grief centrally revolves around the loss of your future life. It’s natural to assume that you’ll be with your partner forever and you feather that dream by building a fantastical life about how the two of you are going to drive your campervan into the sunset and live on the Islands of Dreams.
The loss of those fantasies- for that’s what they are- creates an ocean of grief that nothing and no one can fill. The only remedy is to bawl your eyes out while saying goodbye.
The main difference that I’ve found between going through a divorce, or bereavement, is the way that people treat you. Someone going through divorce can be regarded as an emotional wreck, and other people may stay away for fear of being embroiled in the breakup drama.
Once the divorce is complete, friends often take sides, potentially leading to an even more painful loss of the friendship group that you previously turned to in your time of need.
Conversely, grieving the death of a spouse seems to solicit a different responselike friends offering a shoulder to cry on, placing a thoughtful lasagne on the doorstep and gently encouraging the bereaved to step back out into normal life again.
The two are extreme by comparison yet, for me, the feelings of grief were as intense in both divorce and bereavement.
One obvious difference is that divorce is a choice and death is not. I have shared many evenings with friends while they debate whether or not they should leave their spouse. Some of their debates have raged on for years! Making a decision to leave a marriage when children, family structure and finances are intuitively sewn up together is often a painful and drawn-out process.
Of course, with death the decision is made for you.
If I could return to that conversation with that woman (me) who was so unhappy in her relationship, I would encourage her to leave it - pronto. What is the point in continuing with something that brings you heartache, or perhaps more truthfully, makes you think that death would bring a solution to the problem?
Having the had the experience of being in a marriage with someone that I truly loved and then having to watch them die, I can honestly say that I do feel fortunatefor having been left with the happy memories of a joyous life spent together.
The pain of the loss of someone whom I loved and who I know loved me who I spent many happy years with does, to me, seem preferable than the pain of being moored in the bitterness, agony, and disillusionment of not being able to have made a - once loving - relationship work out.
It’s easier, for me, at least, to grieve someone that I loved who is now gone, than it is, perhaps, to grieve the living when love has gone.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/alexandra-massey/is-death-easier-than-divo_b_12728742.html
The toxic ex-wife or husband doesn't respect the boundaries of their relationship with their ex. They have never really let go of their mates and will hang on for dear life all the while undermining your ability to co-parent with them and move on to a new life.
Below are 7 tips and guidelines to help you recognize the actions of a toxic ex-wife or husband:
They Don’t Respect Your Privacy
Even though you are divorced they still feel they have a right to know what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
You will be bombarded with questions about your life. Are you seeing anyone? Where were you over the weekend?
Your children will be questioned about what you are doing with your life. The toxic ex-wife or husband has no problem using the children to find out information about you and your life.There is a difference between friendly interaction and an attempt to control, which is what the toxic ex wishes to do.
They Interfere with New Relationships
You’ve heard that old saying, “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you.” You may find yourself divorced from someone who feels it is fine that they have moved on with their life but can’t stand the idea of you doing the same.
This sort of ex will do whatever it takes to sabotage any new relationship you form. Which, in turn, makes it difficult to form new romantic relationships because not many want to be in a relationship with someone who has a crazy ex meddling in the relationship.
They Will Use Your Children Against You
This type of toxic ex comes in different forms. They may try and turn your children against you by bad-mouthing you and your actions to the children. Or, they go as far as abandoning their own children to punish you for some wrongdoing they feel you have done.
They are willing to hurt their own children in an attempt to control you or get back at you in some way. This is a very dangerous and wounded individual.
They Will Blame You for Their Unhappiness
It doesn’t matter what they are unhappy about, you will get the blame. If they treat their children badly and cause their children to become angry, you will be blamed. If they lose their job, have car trouble or just can’t seem to catch a break, you will be blamed. You may go months at a time without seeing them or talking to them but, you can bet that if something goes wrong, you will be blamed.
They Will Try to Plant Seeds of Doubt
You will hear comments projecting failure on your part as a result of your inability to hold the marriage together. They will say and do whatever needed to undermine the goals you set for yourself. Some will go as far as predicting failure for the goals their children set. This is symptomatic of a manipulative and vengeful mindset and any comments from such a person should be ignored.
They Will Use You as an Excuse for Their Own Bad Behaviour
If they choose to ignore the needs of their children, you can bet it will be because of something you said or did. To be able to live with their own bad choices they have to alleviate the guilt by making it appear that they had no choice.
All their bad choices are made based on some wrong you did them...in their head, anyway.
They Will Use the Court System to Stay Engaged
They will defy court orders knowing you will take them back to court. This is a passive/aggressive way of keeping a connection to an ex-spouse. They get to use the court system to punish you and, to stay connected with you. This is one great reason for making sure you have a good settlement agreement before you sign your divorce papers.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-recognize-a-toxic-ex-spouse-1103291
Stay focused on these key areas and you will healthfully heal.
Many people I talk to want to know how to best manage the psychology of divorce. Perhaps they have known for sometime that their marriage is ending, or perhaps it has already come to an end. In either case, the tendency is to remain stuck and what keeps them stuck is fear. Fear of the unknown; fear they will make a mistake; fear they will not adequately cope; fear they will screw up their children; fear there is no future to feel good about.
The hardest part about coming to terms with divorce is managing the painful rollercoaster of emotions that typically ensue. It can be so overwhelming, even when it is not a surprise, that a person may lose track of what’s important. Like a lighthouse in the dark of night, when you are overcome with paralyzing despair, shine your light on these four key areas. The point is not to be perfect, but push yourself to direct your attention each day to what’s ultimately going to liberate.
1. Financially: Strategize—Most people see their financial situation change when they divorce. The quicker you look into the facts of your situation, then the sooner you can begin acclimating to a new reality. And, whatever your situation is, once you look at it head on you can start maneuvering and strategizing to make it work for you. Changes will have to be made. Accepting this fact means you are not continually living in an angry and hurt state of mind. No sense in crying over spilled milk. Accept it. I have seen in my work that those who more quickly accept the new reality recover faster. Remind yourself that you have the power to make new opportunities to grow your financial resources all on your own. But for now, get organized, know the facts, and start making necessary changes so that you begin living and stop hurting.
2. Parentally: Tune In (Not Out)—Perhaps the most agonizing aspect of divorce for parents is the gut wrenching fear of emotionally scaring the children. This particular fear, more than any other, keeps many stuck in unhappy marriages. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. If a relationship is consistently unhappy, filled with chronic anger and/or anxiety, kids are often better off when divorce provides greater stability. As parents emotionally adjust to their divorce, they typically beat themselves up for not being more perfect for their kids. As you come to terms with all that is changing in your life, it’s impossible to be a perfect parent. The single best thing you can do is to emotionally tune in and be empathic. If your children express upset over something unrelated to your divorce, be extra kind and validate—“I understand, I can see why that makes you angry.” Make room for their feelings about the divorce, directly ask and offer empathy for their concerns. Acknowledge that you understand what they are experiencing and that they are not alone. Try hard to avoid talking critically about your ex.
3. Emotionally: Grieve—You hear it so often but what does it mean… “You have to grieve…” After hearing this or reading this phrase a number of times, it starts to sound like a surgery or treatment that you can no longer avoid. Healthy grieving doesn’t mean you have to sit around and cry all of the time, alone, in a dark room. But it does mean you accept that with divorce comes a healing process. Recognize where you are in this process from time to time. The stages include: Denial—“This can’t be happening.” Anger—“I don’t deserve this!” Bargaining—“Maybe if I change something about myself I can get my ex back.” Depression—“What’s the point of life anymore.” And eventually Acceptance—“I can still be happy despite this loss.” People go in and out of these stages. There is no set order. Develop awareness for where you are at any given moment. Accept that it does take time but, eventually, if you allow it to, peace will come.
4. Socially: Seek Support—It can be tempting, particularly at the beginning stages of a divorce, to want to hide. At the end of the day you are likely drained by attending to your children’s emotional health, you own emotional health and your legal situation. After all of this, you may have few resources left and be tempted to isolate and hold up for hours or days at a time. A little of this from time to time is appropriate and healthy. But do force yourself to regularly socialize with others. Tell them what you are going through. Ask for help. Talking with trusted others will help you to feel less alone and open up your perspective—reminding you that there is a better future out there and you are getting closer and closer to it each day.
If there was one lesson that I came away with as I developed a workbook, Breaking Up and Divorce, for people confronting a painful split, it is that no two people are exactly the same, but some basic approaches can help anyone.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201608/4-expert-tips-emotionally-preparing-divorce
