Handling the Holidays after Divorce

Some thoughts on how to handle the holidays after divorce or separation.

Preserve the best of your old traditions and form some new ones based on your thriving philosophy!

What holidays do you find most challenging about the holidays?

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7 Ways to Get Through the Holidays During Hard Times

While others are baking Christmas cookies and scaling their roofs to hang up sparkling lights, you might not be feeling as sweet and sparkly about the holidays. All of the cheer and merriment of the holidays can shine a bright light on whatever issue you might be facing—a loss of a loved one, the loss of a pet, a year that didn’t go as planned, a relationship ending, or a personal challenge—and you’d rather stay under the covers and wake up when it’s January. It’s tough to be down in the dumps or going through a tough time when everything around you is turning into a Hallmark card and everyone is so darn happy. Going into hibernation til January isn’t practical (or healthy), so I put together a game plan for you to help you through December. And maybe, just maybe, you might enjoy it a little bit too.

1.Pay tribute.

If you are experiencing a loss that has you feeling empty and sad, use your emotions to pay tribute. If you lost a family member this year, you can do this by working on a photo album, writing a personal tribute you can share with other family members, or sharing stories and memories of the person you lost. If your loss is a relationship ending (divorce or a break-up) try to switch the focus and pay tribute to your own life. In what ways have you been neglecting yourself? What are some things you could do for just you that would restore your spirit? If it’s a beloved family pet that you lost, pay tribute and donate some of your time to the local animal shelter or create a positive memory by framing a picture of your cherished pet. Rather than dwelling in a place of loss, take some small steps that create a feeling of comfort in you.

2. There you are again gratitude.

Whether times are great or times are tough, gratitude is the number one instant mood lifter. Take the time out to notice what’s going right. Even if you are going through a difficult personal challenge, there is always something to be grateful for in your life. Think of three things when you wake up in the morning or make a list of all the things you are grateful for when your day ends. You will be reminding yourself to pay attention to and spend some time with the positive.

3. Scan for the things you like.

Maybe you aren’t going through a loss or a specific problem right now, you just don’t like the holidays because you don’t like where your life is at right now. You aren’t quite ready to put a big Christmas bow around your life yet. Remember, your life doesn’t have to be perfect for you to enjoy it. If you feel like your life is a work in progress, put yourself on a mission to scan for what you do like about the holidays. You don’t have to put your happiness on hold just because you have some personal goals still in progress.

4. Invest in your relationships.

When you are faced with an obstacle, it’s your support system that matters most. Lean on family and friends. Reach out. Talk to them. Our relationships make us feel like we are all in this together. Your relationships contribute greatly to your overall well-being. Don’t go solo, let others lift you up. Even better? Grab a friend and take a walk or go to a group fitness class. Moving your body and connecting with friends are two ways to greatly enhance your overall well-being.

5. Do something kind for someone else.

The best way to get out of your own head—especially when it’s a painful or sorrowful place to be—is to redirect your focus to someone else. Giving back to someone else is not only kind, it’s the best way to feel better about yourself.

6. Be open to new traditions.

If people or circumstances in your life have changed to where you can’t have the same holiday that you like to have, simply start new traditions. It might be hard to do things differently if you liked how things used to be, but you have the power to create new traditions for your family to cherish. Start with these questions: 1. What do you want your holiday to be like this year? 2. How can you make that happen?

7. Flood your brain with funny.

Don’t you just love the feeling of laughing so hard you get tears in your eyes? Tune in to the latest episode of Jimmy Kimmel, sit down with your super hilarious friend, or dig out Chevy Chase’s Christmas vacation from the movie archives. Whatever makes you laugh, immerse yourself in it for a little levity and an escape from what’s weighing you down. Laughter really is the best medicine.

December might be painful for you because of what you are going through, but you can make it better with lots of self-compassion and kindness. Even during hard times, you have a choice about what you think and what you feel I hope you even discover some magical moments of joy this holiday season.

Source: https://gethealthyu.com/7-ways-get-holidays-hard-times/

How to Survive Christmas After Divorce

It’s that time of year again, with the holidays looming large before us and a particularly challenging time for those who are separated, divorced or experiencing difficulties in a relationship. Perhaps this is your first Christmas alone after a long-term relationship or maybe it’s your 10th Christmas on your own. Regardless of whether it’s a new experience or an old one, you are very possibly dreading the holidays. As a counselor and divorced person myself, I by no means intend to minimize the challenge of facing Christmas without a partner, because I know first hand that it can be very difficult, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Preparing for the Holidays

It seems that no matter how much we try to prepare ourselves, when the holidays begin, many people feel like hiding in a cave. What makes it even more difficult is seeing all the TV images that show blissful people and families spending happy moments together. Messages of love, peace and joy are thrown at us at every turn. So, to you, who are now facing the holiday on your own, it might feel as if you are the only person in the world fending for yourself. But, let me assure you, you are not alone. While TV ads make it all look fabulous, the holidays are actually a difficult time for countless numbers of people even for those who may be in relationship.

How to Beat the Holiday Blues

While it may seem that you are stuck with the bad feelings surrounding the so-called festivities, there are things you can do to make the holidays a little less stressful.
To beat the holiday blues, try adopting a few of the following ideas, as they may have a positive impact on the way you move forward with your life.

1. Begin by knowing that more than likely there will be some sadness if this is your first holiday alone.

Be okay with the sadness. Remember, what you resist, persists, so if you start to feel sad, keep in mind that sadness is just another emotion, If you allow yourself to feel the sadness without running away from it, it will pass through you more quickly. Once you let yourself feel your feelings, you’ll make room for other happier feelings that will take the place of the sadness.

2. Have the courage to reach out to family members and friends. It’s okay to let people know that you’d like to spend time with them since this is your first holiday alone. Or better yet, invite them to your house and host the celebration. If neither is possible, make yourself available to those who may also be alone for the holidays, or volunteer for a charity where you are making a contribution of yourself. Giving is one of the best ways of diminishing the lonely feelings.

3. If you’re a single parent, now is a good time to start a new tradition with your children and watch it lift your spirits.

A woman I know started a tradition of reading a special Christmas story each night to her children. The kids loved it and looked forward to a new story every evening. It was such a success, she compiled the best Christmas stories ever told and had it published. Perhaps you and your kids could do something similar or possibly you could gather together and make ornaments that signify the beginning of a new life. If the children are old enough, ask them for their ideas for making Christmas a little brighter. You’d be surprised at how creative children can be. Whatever you decide, use this opportunity to “try on” new ways of spending the festive days in a more satisfying way.

4. Pay attention to the choices that have led you to where you are right now and see all the changes you’ve already made in your life. Pat yourself on the back and acknowledge yourself for all the inroads you have made. It takes courage to make changes, and you’ve proven that you have that kind of courage. Each year will bring new experiences and every Christmas will get easier and more enjoyable.

5. Ask yourself whether there are any new choices you can make that will propel you in the direction of a more inspiring future. When you get your answer, don’t be afraid to take a few chances and run with them.

Starting a new life can be very exciting, especially when you relax and allow yourself to enjoy the changes. Take a few risks and watch how good you will feel.

Bear in mind that the holidays last for a short while, so put them in proper perspective.

Instead of throwing the holidays out of proportion, remember that before long, things will be back to normal.

Why not use the holidays as a way of setting the ground work for your new beginning. Make up your mind that you’re going to show up differently in your life and your relationships. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “Every choice we make leads us in one of two directions. We are headed either towards a future that inspires us or toward a past that limits us.”

Which direction are you headed? Why not use this year’s holiday season to start moving in a new direction. Move into an inspiring new year filled with joy, fulfillment and happiness by giving yourself the gift of healing your heart.

Source: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_survive_Christmas_after_Divorce.html

3 Steps to Surviving Christmas for the Newly Separated or Divorced

Let’s face it. For folks newly separated or divorced, the holidays can really suck. Every year people separate and divorce and have to figure out how to negotiate Christmas from a different place. It can be immensely painful and sad, but it can also be a time of new experiences and traditions. How it goes is all up to you and will be the result of the three steps outlined in this article. Keeping reading.

My former husband and I separated in early November. That first year, I had the kids for Thanksgiving, and he had them the first part of their Christmas vacation. I thought I would be okay with that. Boy was I wrong. I was so totally not prepared for that day.

For me, I really thought I would be just fine. I remember thinking I would sleep in, get up and take a nice run, and just enjoy the morning. What I found, though, was that waking up on Christmas morning alone in my house that first year has gone down as one of the absolute worse days of my life. And even as I write about that day many years later, I can still feel the depth of emotions of that experience. I thought I could treat it as just another day, but that didn’t work for me at all. I was an emotional wreck the entire day, which was not what I had wanted for my kids or for myself.

As a family law attorney, I now use this personal experience to warn my clients about the need for deliberate planning around the holidays. Hopefully I can help them avoid the common pitfalls I experienced.

What I learned the hard way is to think ahead, plan ahead, and be very deliberate and intentional about the holidays. Even if you think you will be okay and that it’s no big deal, it is. Whether you have children or not, everything is different. Trust me. It will help you and your children if you prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for this time of year.
What can you do? Here are the three steps for surviving Christmas:

1. Make a plan. Definitely do this. I am big fan of journaling and writing things down, so get out some paper and write down your plan. Where will you be? Who will you be with? What will you do? What will you think about? What will you not let yourself think about? These last two questions are critically important. If you want to go down that melancholy road and feel sorry for yourself and cry all day, you can do that. And likely that is what will happen if you do not heed this advice and plan ahead. When you do plan ahead and follow your plan, you will be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
2. Surround yourself with family and friends. If you get through the above journaling exercise and realize you don’t know where you’ll be or who you’ll be with, then get busy making some plans. Surround yourself with people, any people. Get busy cooking for others or going to the movies or doing anything that will require your attention with other people involved.
3. Begin new traditions. Everything in your life is changing right now, including your holiday traditions. What can you do this year that is new and different and fun? What can you do that will keep your mind occupied and that you can enjoy with your children? My children and I now go to a movie every year on Christmas Day. That is our new tradition and we plan our day around it. What ideas do you have that will help you get through this day in a way that you can feel good about when it’s done?

Taking these three steps will help you get through the holidays with less angst and with a great feeling of accomplishment for being able to get a grip during a tough time. Do yourself and your children a favor. Get out your journal and start writing your plan now.

Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-marcy-jones/3-steps-to-surviving-chri_b_1149839.html

Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

Most any holiday can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace the holiday season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

Source: https://www.twohappyhomes.com/articles/5296/overcome-holiday-depression-during-and-after-divorce

5 Tips for Getting Through the First Holidays Post-Divorce

The first holidays after a divorce are often the hardest, especially for your kids. The memories of holidays gone by can make this time of year feel more stressful, creating a feeling of needing to live up to years past. Despite the stress and sadness that will undoubtedly accompany the holidays, you and your children can still have a good time and make great memories. Here are five tips to increase the fun and decrease the stress.

1. Make a plan

Your custody schedule will probably be pre-planned, which makes planning for the holidays a bit simpler. Figure out ahead of time which days you have your kids, and what you are doing. Make sure that everyone is clear on what the plan is, including your children. Keep a calendar with you so that you can tell your hosts whether or not your children will be with you when you accept an invitation. Try to avoid last-minute modifications as much as possible, as they will only add stress.

2. Make your own traditions

The holidays are often a very sentimental time, but that nostalgia can work against you when familiar traditions just make you and your kids think, “We used to do this all together.” Some traditions will inevitably have to be let go or changed. Though saying goodbye to some traditions that you have had for long will likely be very sad, it also opens up the opportunity to make new traditions. Explain to your kids why you aren’t going to be doing some things this year, and ask them for ideas about what you should do instead. This can help turn a challenging time into a fun one.

If your kids seem low, talk to them about their feelings towards this time of year. Listen to their concerns, and let them know how it is making you feel as well. It will comfort them to know that you haven’t just forgotten and that letting go is a challenge that they don’t face alone. While you make new traditions with your kids, encourage them to do the same with their other parent as well.

3. Don’t worry about perfection

No matter how hard you work to make things go smoothly, there will always be little problems that come along. There will be times where both you and your kids feel the sadness of what no longer is. This is okay and is a healthy part of grieving. Know that the next set of holidays will probably be easier, and make your best with what you have. You don’t have to make things perfect; making good memories is what is most important.

4. Keep healthy

Staying healthy during the holiday season is difficult for nearly everyone, but when added the stress of your first holidays with a new family structure, it becomes even harder. Make sure that you sleep enough, and do your best to eat right, particularly during the times that you aren’t at holiday parties. Try to slip some extra exercise into your schedule, even if it’s just 20-30 minutes a day. Also, taking extra time to relax can also be a big help. Even just a few moments of peace between the various events of your day can help ease stress.

As you keep yourself healthy, don’t forget to make the same effort with you children, too. Keep up as much of a normal schedule as you can, particularly when it comes to sleep. Take breaks from your hectic schedule to let them play with their friends or do fun things at home as a family. Remember: your emotional health is just as important as physical health.

5. Avoid being alone

If you share custody with your ex, then you won’t get to be with your kids over every holiday. This can be very hard on your emotional health, but even more so if you are spending the holiday alone. Being alone during the holidays can be depressing, especially after the emotionally exhausting process of a divorce. If it does look like you might be spending some days alone, talk with your family members and friends about their holiday plans. If they are hosting a party, they will probably invite you. If they aren’t hosting something, you could decide to host a get-together. Make sure you are enjoying yourself and don’t give yourself the chance to wallow in negative emotions.

Source: https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/5-tips-for-getting-through-the-first-holidays-post-divorce/

Your First Thanksgiving After Divorce: 6 Things to Do to Get Through the Holidays

Navigating your first (or second, or third) Thanksgiving after divorce will require some extra effort, but that extra effort will be worth it. These six tips will help you get through – and maybe even enjoy – the holiday.
During the first year after your divorce, every holiday and event will require some flexibility as you navigate sharing parenting time and creating new traditions. The Thanksgiving holiday is bound to have some challenges for both you and your kids; however, there are some things you can do to help everyone get through – and maybe even enjoy – Thanksgiving after divorce.

6 Tips for Navigating Your First Thanksgiving After Divorce

1. Acknowledge Your Kids’ Feelings

Your kids may feel sad or angry about the divorce, and the holidays may increase those feelings. Instead of trying to spin things positively (“You get two Thanksgiving feasts!”), acknowledge their feelings even if it’s difficult (“You are really sad that we aren’t all together this year” or “You are angry that you won’t see your mom on Thanksgiving”). This will help your kids feel understood – which is the first step for beginning the process of healing and moving forward.

2. Model Gratitude

Thanksgiving is a holiday about being grateful. It might sound impossible to feel grateful for a divorce or the stress of navigating a holiday when you feel sad, angry, hurt or lonely. I’m not asking you to pretend to be grateful for those things or to fake your feelings. Rather, I’m encouraging you to identify the things in your life that you are grateful to have. It could be close relationships with your kids, your health, or supportive friends and family. Highlighting real gratitude for your children will model positive coping and will remind you that nothing is black and white – there are still good things in your life.

3. Maintain Meaningful Traditions

Continuing traditions that are meaningful to you and your kids will provide a sense of continuity during this time of change. When kids see that their favorite Thanksgiving ritual of sharing what they are thankful for continues even though Mom isn’t there on that night, it is reassuring that they will continue to enjoy making memories.

4. Create New Traditions

In addition to keeping some favorite rituals, this is an ideal time to create new traditions that will give you and your kids an opportunity to make the holiday more meaningful. If you have always wished that you had more connection or relaxation at the holidays, build that into your time with your kids. Divorce can feel out of control to a kid, so including them in creating new traditions for Thanksgiving after divorce is a way to give them license to create their new family life.

5. Co-Parent the Holidays as a Team

This is a great way to model for your children that you are working together to parent them. Encourage your child to have fun when he or she is with the other parent. Ask about their extended family celebrations so that the children know you want them to have fun and stay connected to grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Being open and flexible with your co-parent builds goodwill and sets a good foundation for working together.

6. Take Care of Yourself

You will likely have times over the holidays when you do not have your children. Plan ahead for how you would like to spend that time. To some, it is ideal to be alone and relaxing, while that might feel lonely to another. There isn’t a right or wrong way; it’s about what is meaningful and enjoyable to you. Reach out to family and friends to stay connected and feel supported.

The holidays are an opportunity for connection and making memories. It can also be a stressful time because of unrealistic expectations. Recognizing that everyone will have reactions to the changes will allow you to support your kids and be gentle with yourself during your first (or second, or third) Thanksgiving after divorce.

Source: https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/your-first-thanksgiving-after-a-divorce-things-to-do-to-get-through/