When things go wrong...
Sometimes we’ll be enjoying a period of life where everything is going smoothly, things are on track, we’re rebuilding our lives and things seem to be working in our favour. It’s really important when this is the case, to ride the crest of the wave, to enjoy it, to celebrate it and certainly not to anticipate or fear its end.
Sooner or later though, something will happen that seems to be sent to test us, to change our fortunes and to upset our progress.
Whether this comes in the form of financial hardship, an unpleasant argument, an unexpected difficulty at work or a challenge in the lives of our kids, there are always those things that strike when we least expect or want them to; when is there ever a good time?
I recently had just such an experience. I’ve been enjoying a few months where it felt like everything was running smoothly, like life was on track and all the moving parts (work, family, kids and so-on) were working together in harmony to give me a feeling of great happiness, stability and comfort.
The upset came in the form of a conversation with my 14-year-old daughter, in the car, late on a Sunday evening (like so many challenges, it seemed to come at night!). In this heartfelt conversation she revealed some ongoing dissatisfactions with life and some perceived-hardships of hers that she felt as a child of a divorced relationship, that I didn’t understand or sympathise to.
There was of course a much wider context to this, but the key point is that while I felt everyone was happy and contented in life, she clearly wasn’t in the same place.
At the time I was shocked that I could be so out-of-touch with my daughter’s feelings and hurt by the many ways in which she felt let-down by me. I felt angry at myself for this failing, and of course it prompted me to consider whether this was really just the tip of an iceberg of greater dissatisfaction in my family and my life. She cried (a rare thing for her, usually the most emotionally-reserved of my kids) and I’ll admit that I did too.
With a few days having passed since, I’m confident that the concerns she vented can be resolved; I’ve already taken a few steps to address these and to ensure that she appreciates that her happiness is an integral part of my own happiness. It doesn’t mean we’re “out of the woods” as yet, but I know we’ll do what we can and sooner or later life will have moved on again with things on an even keel.
The reason I share this now, is that it was a timely reminder of a key aspect of life that I know that I’m prone to forget;
Life is a process of constant and ongoing change.
Just when we think we’ve got the measure of it, when we have everything as we want it and we think we can finally rest and enjoy the fruits of our labours, then something else will come along to blindside us, requiring new action to be taken.
The cynical reaction is to be angered or saddened by this, to resist it, to never take risks or seek out improvement in our lives out of fear for what could go wrong, or in a misguided bid to protect what we have.
An alternative reaction, and the one that I'm constantly reminding myself to take, is that when challenges come up, they must be treated as opportunities for learning and growth. They are life’s way of ensuring that we appreciate all we have that is stable and reliable, and that we seek to change and grow through the things that aren’t as we need or deserve them to be.
There can be few times as personally challenging as working through a divorce, and when we enjoy a rare spell of calm and peace, or when we eventually think that much of the work is done and behind us, it’s really important to enjoy this fact and the associated feelings of contentment.
At some point, something may come along to upset this, whether it’s an argument with our ex, a financial, legal or custody challenge, or a reminder of the hurt and pain that causes our mood to slip and our emotional resilience to suffer. When this happens, there can be a tendency to think this is the end of the good-times, that it signals an overall change of fortune or that our life has taken a step back.
What I hope you can remember, and what I had to remind myself of as I reflected on my daughter sobbing and relaying her sadness and dissatisfactions that evening, is that when such things come up, it’s an opportunity to learn, grow and change as you address the issue.
Don’t resist it, but instead try and embrace it.
Don’t let yourself believe that it is a signal of your world crumbling to dust.
It’s a chance to do what needs to be done, to tackle the things that need to change and to bring about the life that we want to create for us and for those we love.
It isn’t always easy, it won’t necessarily be quick, but it is the right thing and it’s what our life needs; it’s what WE need. It’s an inherent part of the journey of thriving and not just surviving through life.
Toby
