Your life may be painful today. I know that’’s a tough start, but you must keep reading.
The people around you are going to disappoint you. The world is going to move faster and it may leave you behind. Your boss is going to undervalue you. Your co-workers will not pull their weight. Your love will not love you enough. Your kids will act like children. Your friends will not call.
And yet this can be the most hopeful, transformative day of your life.
I have always been in the people change business. I’’ve worked in hospitals and churches, soup kitchens and schools, boardrooms and ballrooms, on the playing field and the public square. Every day I explore the most creative ways to move myself and every human being I meet from the places we don’’t want to be to the heights we dream of climbing.
We don’t have to be afraid.
We have more than we’’ve ever had and can do more than we ever thought. We can meet strangers across continents on devices in our pockets from the comfort of wherever we are. We can crowdsource with those same strangers to start a company or make a movie. We can collaborate and innovate. We can explore and inspire. We literally have the world in our hand.
Forgive the long introduction and the spring enthusiasm, but people keep saying everything is wrong and taking it out on each other.
You cannot change them. You have to realize today that you are the most important thing you can improve.
You can change the way you think.
You can change the way you feel.
You can change what you do today.
What stops most of us is that we are afraid, and some days we should be. Those same devices in our pockets show us things none of us ever need to see. They put us in contact with all our friends’ and families’’ bad news and anything wrong in our community.
Some days we should be afraid.
But we don’’t have to stay there.
The moment a thought scares you, the moment you feel anxious or insecure, the moment you think what you want is going to crush you, ask yourself this:
Is there a bear?
If there is a bear around you, you should feel afraid. If a grizzly has wandered into your personal space, the alarm in your brain should be firing. On a scale of one to 10, 10 being total catastrophe and one being waking up from the perfect nap, if there is a bear in front of you right now and it is not behind three inches of glass, please feel free to freak out. Go full 10! It is appropriate to lose your mind.
But if your boss is yelling at you, ask, ““Is there a bear?””
If the one you love harps on the same thing he or she did last week and all last year, ask, “”Is there a bear?””
If your friend didn’’t call and you wonder if she loves you any more, ask, ““Is there a bear?””
If you’’re running out of money, you should feel alarmed, but still ask, “”Is there a bear?””
If you’’re at war, fighting for freedom, your life in danger: There is a bear.
If you are homeless tonight: There is a bear.
If your child is sick and you don’’t know what to do: There is a bear.
Fight. Claw. Survive. Do not let the bear win.
But if you are on base with your fellow heroes or back home with those who love you, if you have a place to stay tonight, if your children are being cared for, and you still feel panic, fear, or helplessness, ask yourself.
Ask yourself.
You do not need be afraid.
Our world is different today. It is so much better than when we didn’’t have antibiotics and lasers, smartphones and cheap travel, space exploration and vitamins, democracy and the Internet.
Our world is so much better, and you can be too.
If there is no bear, this day, check your fear; celebrate this moment and the next and the next. Explore. Experiment. End the voices in your head that tell you what’s not possible. Find the people who will cheer you on. Find a stranger and give them a taste of your enthusiasm. Find a reason to fail and learn and try again. Wake up each morning and savor your dreams for breakfast. You do not need to be afraid.
This can be the most hopeful, transformative day of your life.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-wortmann/overcoming-fear_b_2981521.html
Telling the children is the part that many parents fear the most. The last thing that they want to do is hurt their children and it’s a really difficult conversation to have as the consequences are life changing for the whole family. However there are some guidelines that will make it a little easier if you follow them.
See the situation from your child’s point of view: Children often worry that they will be abandoned by one of their parents in a divorce and they will lose them from their lives. As a couple you need to reassure them that you will both always be there for them.
Choose your timing: Make sure you are 100% sure that you cannot save your relationship before you tell the kids. If you are just considering splitting up then keep it between you and your partner. There is no need to involve the children until you are sure there is no way back.
There is never a good time to tell your child but do make sure they do not have to rush off to school or an activity. They will need time with you to discuss their thoughts and feelings.
Agree on what you will say
Make sure you are both giving the same united message across: Do not contradict each other or argue whilst you are telling the children.
Tell them as a couple: Where possible tell them as a couple so that they can see that even though the marriage is ending that you will still both be there for them. Actions speak louder than words and this will support the fact that you are saying you will still both be there for them.
Don’t play the blame game: Be fair to each other and don’t allocate blame for your break-up or try to get the children to take sides. This puts unfair pressure on your children if they are asked to choose between parents. Often this will back fire anyway as the child will side with the parent who is being bad mouthed. Put the kid’s best interests first to protect them from any unnecessary emotional damage.
Reassure your children: Make it clear that it is not their fault and they are not to blame. Ensure they understand that your divorce has absolutely nothing to do with them or anything they have done. Often children think they could be responsible for the break-up and this can cause undue emotional stress for them. Reassurance and cuddles are important here.
Don’t go into details: Keep it simple and avoid unnecessary details. There will be a lot for your children to take in so don’t overwhelm them with too much information. Allow them time to absorb the break-up and overcome the initial shock. Let them know that you will both be happy to answer any questions they have.
Be honest and real: Don’t make promises you cannot keep just to lessen the impact. Stick to the facts and don’t try to gloss over the fact that there will be some changes coming. Prepare your children on how to cope with these changes and reassure them that the divorce will not change the love that you both have for them and that you will both be there for them.
Try not to get over emotional: The children will take their lead from you and if they can see you are handling it ok it will set a precedent for them to follow. Remember that you are the adult in this situation and you do not need your child to support or comfort you. Whilst they will see this has not been an easy decision for either of you to make they will see that you are sure that you have made the right one.
Do what you can to smooth the transition for your children:
- Don’t make any drastic changes to their usual daily routines.
- Do not use them as a “go-between” between the two of you
- Keep all discussions about the divorce and any upcoming lifestyle changes out of earshot
- Do not make them the “little man of the house” or the “little woman of the house” now that your ex has gone as this is way too much pressure for a child
- Remember that the kids should not be there to comfort you, this is your role as a parent
- Do not argue or fight with your ex in front of the kids
- Do not bad mouth the other parents in front of your kids or ask them to take sides
- Notify the school and other key people in their lives so that they have support elsewhere
- If they would like to speak to a professional about their feelings then arrange this for them
- Be on hand to answer any questions that they may have as openly and honestly as possible
- Keep reassuring them as they will need to hear this regularly. Also back it up with actions that support this.
Children are more resilient that we think and can often adjust better to changes than adults. Remember they will take their lead from you so be united as best you can and reassure them that you will both be there for them. You are their role models and your children can learn a positive lesson on how to handle tough situations if you handle this well.
Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sara-davison-/telling-kids-about-divorce_b_6601964.html
When divorce is an obvious solution to a disastrous marriage, it’s easier for kids to understand. If either parent is abusive to partner and kids, an addict whose habit has thrown the family into poverty, or a criminal in the world and a tyrant at home, it makes sense to children that the more balanced parent would want to take them away from all that. When home is a place filled with tension, where everyone has to walk on eggshells to avoid a blowup, where the primary contact between the grownups is fighting and violence or seething hostility, kids often want out as much as one of their parents.
But what can the kids make of it when the reasons for the divorce aren’t so obvious? Adult reasons aren’t always appropriate to share with kids. The reasons you can share may seem lame to them. You’re not happy. You and your partner don’t share the same interests, activities, or goals. You or your partner is attracted to someone else. Sex isn’t what you think it should be. Daily life is boring at best; clouded by low-grade hostility at worst. Little decisions get left to one or the other. Big decisions seem impossible. Maybe there is a hidden addiction (gambling, shopping, Internet porn) that is eroding the marriage but isn’t visible to the children. You and your partner aren’t a team. You aren’t in love. You think life has to be better than this. But you’ve been wise enough to shield the children from your growing unhappiness.
Adding to the kids’ confusion is that you and the other parent have managed to work out a way to be responsible parents in spite of growing apart from each other. Maybe you’ve divided the turf, with each of you taking on different tasks — one becoming the caregiver; the other doing specific routines. Maybe you can’t talk to each other but you can both talk to the kids. Most important, the kids know you both love them. Kids, being kids, think the way you are together is the way all parents live. They think your family is no different from anyone else’s. They think everything is fine.
Although an amicable divorce is what most adults would want and what is ultimately better for the kids, it only adds to their bewilderment. If you guys can get along so well, they think, why couldn’t you just stay married and keep our family together?
Make no mistake. For the children in such a situation, your divorce is their catastrophe. They can’t believe it. From where they sit, you’ve got a good family. They love you both and don’t believe that you don’t love each other. Their usual reaction is panic and protest. They don’t want it to happen. They worry it’s their fault. They fantasize they can do something to stop it or fix it. They worry their parents will divorce them, just as they are divorcing each other. They hate it. They may even hate you for disrupting their life, for making the other parent leave, for changing things that seemed just fine to them.
Helping your kids through your amicable divorce is a long-term proposition. Since there was no obvious blowup and blowout, the kids will return to questioning the decision at each stage of their development. If you expect it, if you respond with age-appropriate answers, if you can avoid being defensive, the issue will quiet down again until the next developmental milestone. It often takes until they are adults and have had experience with adult relationships for them to really understand.
There are some common and predictable issues at every “why did you have to go and get a divorce?” conversation along the way:
- The kids will wonder if somehow the divorce is their fault. Since they don’t understand adult reasons for separating, since they are by definition narcissistic little beings, they will assume that it is something they did or didn’t do that drove one parent away or made the other one unwilling to stay a couple. Little kids will think it’s because they did something “bad.” Older kids will think they didn’t do well enough in school or didn’t obey enough of the rules or weren’t the right kind of kid. Teens are especially vulnerable to thinking it’s all their fault. You and their other parent will need to reassure them many, many times that the divorce is not about them.
- The flip side is that they will fantasize that they can get you two back together. They may even try to engineer it. They will try hard to be extra, extra “good” so that you will want to be a family again. They will try to manipulate situations so that you and the other parent have to get together and talk. They may try to sabotage a new relationship. You and their other parent will need to relieve them of their imagined responsibility for recreating the family. You’ll need to explain many, many times that the divorce is permanent.
- The kids will worry you will “divorce” them too. Their reasoning is that since you once loved your partner but left, you could leave them too. You and their other parent will need to explain to them frequently that partner love is different from parent love and that there is nothing they can do that will make either of you stop loving them or being their parents.
- In their efforts to make sense of the situation, kids will sometimes decide that one or the other parent is really the bad guy. Sometimes in a moment of temper, they will say terrible things: “You’re such a ____, it’s no wonder my father/mother left you!” “My dad/mom must have an awful secret or you wouldn’t have left!” Whatever your own feelings about your former spouse, kids need to feel that they have two good parents. You both will need to explain many, many times that the other parent is a perfectly good person but wasn’t a good partner for you.
- Often kids will make threats in attempts to get their parents to stay together or reunite. “I’ll run away.” “I’ll hate you forever.” “I won’t cooperate with your arrangements for where I should live or who I should be with.” You and their other parent need to repeat many, many times that you understand why they are so upset but that threats don’t solve the problems. You’ll need to have many, many serious talks about what might make things work better for them.
There’s no such thing as an easy divorce when there are children. Divorcing amicably doesn’t guarantee that the children will go along with the new arrangement without turmoil. They need empathy. They need your support. They need you to acknowledge that you are disrupting their lives. They need to be validated that you are making the choice that, yes, you are really so unhappy that at this point your happiness comes before theirs.
When parents are honest about how hard the divorce is on their children, the kids usually eventually accept it. It’s unfair to expect them to like it. It’s unreasonable to look to them to support the decision. But when children and teens feel heard, they are more likely to join in constructing a new idea of their family. The parents’ job is to work very hard to be cooperative co-parents and to do as much as possible to accommodate the kids’ needs for predictability and stability in the midst of the major disruption that even the most amicable divorce creates for them.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping-kids-cope-with-your-amicable-divorce/
