Why I’m Proud To Be Divorced

Whether it’s meeting new people, spending time with extended family during the holidays, or just having a conversation with my hairdresser, I usually mention my first marriage and subsequent divorce 11 years ago at one point or another.

Why?

Well, I’m not ashamed of it, that’s why. And it just happened to be one of the greatest lessons of my life.

I wear my mistakes like badges. I write about them fervently because time is of the essence. I’m only here on this earth for a limited time and the experiences I’ve lived through have a right to be passed on.

There’s almost always a lesson that I’m learning, even 11 years after my divorce, that’s relevant or useful to other people who I come across in my travels.

It’s not that I can’t let go of the relationship itself - because I have - and I’m actually joyful that the marriage ended after many difficult years. It’s what I took away from the experience that I can’t help but bring up time and time again.

Even today, I am absorbing the total effect that the experience of “failing” at marriage had on me. And on the surface, I did fail — miserably. But it wasn’t for a lack of trying. I gave that relationship my heart and soul and — ultimately — my peace of mind.

I was married at 24 and divorced by 27. Add three years of living together prior to marriage and that’s six years of slugging away at a relationship that was plainly doomed from the start. But I’m not going to hide in the shadows of divorce shame.

I’ve blogged about the experiences of my first marriage, including domestic abuse and drug addiction. At the end of the day, the lessons I learned about myself, the depth of my strength, and my vulnerabilities are absolutely priceless.

I’m proud and excited to talk to other people — especially younger women — about what happened in my first marriage and how I dealt with life after the divorce. Knowing that my prior naivety and suffering can be an “aha moment” for someone who may be in a relationship that’s not working — or even an abusive relationship — is 100% totally and completely worth it.

I often say that I don’t subscribe to regret. What I mean by that is that even though there are things that happened to me or mistakes I made that I’d rather forget, I can’t repress them. Those memories will come back around no matter what, so why not be proactive and turn those difficult experiences into a valuable life lesson that someone else can gain knowledge from?

I’ve said that I love my mistakes. I adore them as if they are my children. But they make me angry sometimes. They remind me of unfortunate choices I made and heartache that once tore me apart. But I’m still going to carry them with me, caring for them and nurturing them until that misery becomes a smile either for myself or someone else.

Everything I am today I owe to my younger, brasher, uninformed, hopeful, kind, and impulsive self. She made me who I am today, sitting here writing about it. She existed and her mistakes existed. I’m not going to erase everything she was just because divorce is — to most people — a failure.

I can say that the younger version of myself tried her hand at love, gave it her all, loved unconditionally, and when all was said and done, she broke through as substantially a stronger mold than she was before.

In my second marriage today, I’m going through experiences that I’ll be able to draw upon several years from now. It’s not so much that hindsight is 20/20 but it’s more like hindsight gives more meaning to past experiences that seemed to be senseless or confusing at the time. Sometimes the painful lessons we learn in the past end up being valuable tools for the future.

Horrible mistakes and experiences are definitely regrettable but that doesn’t mean you have to live a life of regret on a daily basis. Own those mistakes. Make them work for you now.
It’s time.

Source: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-im-proud-to-be-divorced_b_13359346

7 Financial Management Tips For Anyone Who Just Went Through A Divorce

A divorce is painful, that’s a given. And anybody who has gone through a divorce would admit that if there were anything that would have kept their marriages off a divorce court, they would have readily done it. Divorce obviously affects the children in the union negatively. But apart from that, it affects the couple emotionally, psychologically, mentally and of course, financially.

Yes, divorce hurts the finance and leaves too many loopholes to be filled. Everyone wants a break after a drawn out litigation battle; a break from lawyers and dates and paperwork. But there are still a few things to be done if you want to breathe easy after a divorce.
Life is never really the same after one is freshly single and there will always be those things that remind you of the good times and the bad times you had with your ex, moving on becomes a little difficult, but move on you must! So here are a few tips that could be very helpful to get you to move on while securing your finance as well:

1. Revisit Your Insurance Broker

Contact your insurance broker and update your umbrella liability coverage. Screen Your list of assets scheduled on your homeowner’s policy and screen out the things your spouse received in the divorce also screen them out if they were sold. There is no sense in paying insurance premiums for assets you do not own.

2. Apply for a new credit card

Depending on your situation, it may make sense to apply for new credit cards before you cancel joint accounts. Especially if you have marginal credit and don’t have an emergency reserve of cash.

While credit cards are generally not very good financial helpers, comparing its downsides to what can happen in the short-term if someone does not have sufficient funds to cover their core bills can make it not only desirable, but a priority. A Credit card can provide a temporary bridge fund for you while you get on your feet after a divorce.
Again, you need to make a list of the accounts you had while married, and seek to replace them as soon as possible; Savings accounts, Investment accounts etc.

3. Re-title Your Assets

If you owned any assets jointly with your spouse and that asset was retained by you or received by you in the divorce settlement then you need to re-title them. For instance if you owned your house in a trust with your spouse, you’ll want to re-title it in your name personally or in the name of a new living trust you create.

4. Get familiar with Your Investments

This will apply where your spouse handled the investing, there may now be things you own that you aren’t familiar with or that perhaps aren’t right for you.

You need to do a deep analysis of all your investments to see if it is prudent and beneficial to you financially at the present. Sell off investments that will not help you and retain those that are potentially or presently rewarding.

5. Sell Off Some Valuables and Move On

This tip is reasonable not just because it makes financial sense, but because it also helps you move on while securing your financial future. There might be a few things that you owned jointly that you may need to sell off even if they have or had sentimental value. Resources like Worthy.com makes selling off such valuables more reasonable by giving you a financial advantage.

There are also a few suggestions about what to do with your engagement ring after a divorce for instance, especially if it is the kind of ring either of the Kardashian sisters received which was worth thousands of dollars! You may need to think of selling it and moving on.

6. Consider Moving

Moving from a family house is often an emotional decision, but deciding not to move on the basis of sentiment is “...often the beginning of a very difficult situation because it costs a lot of money and the house is not liquid,” says Pilz.

Since you’ll have to pay for this home with one person’s income, if your budget’s tight, moving to a less expensive home or renting may be a good option to consider. You need to approach it as an investment asset, and you need to make decisions from that context as well

7. Get a new everything

In addition to getting a new account, you might need to make a number of other changes. Divorces can mess up your finance and you will need to re-evaluate your finances in general; what comes in and goes out and what are assets and liabilities, what taxes you now qualify to pay.

You may need to change your will, get a new filing system, and perhaps even get a new name if that will help you sleep better at night.

The point is that a divorce is a major (and sometimes devastating) life change and the earlier and faster you can get back up and on track, the better for you.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/toby-nwazor/7-financial-management-tips-for-anyone-who-just-went-through-a-divorce_b_10373494.html

6 Actions You Can Take Every Day to Build Your Self-Confidence

Even the greatest leaders lack self-confidence at certain times. Self-confidence is not a static quality; rather, it’s a mindset that takes effort to maintain when the going gets rough. It must be learned, practiced and mastered just like any other skill. But once you master it, you will be changed for the better.

Here are six effective ways to promote your own self-confidence.

1. Act the part.

Your body language can instantly demonstrate self-assuredness, or it can scream insecurity. Present yourself in a way that says you are ready to master or take command of any situation. If you look confident and act the part you aspire to reach, you’ll not only feel in control, people will have much more confidence in you as well.

Hold your head high, sit up straight, gently bring your shoulders back to align your spine and look directly at the other person when interacting. Avoid a limp handshake and maintain good eye contact while someone is speaking to you.

2. Dress the part.

When you look better, you feel better. If you choose clothing and accessories that fit you well, suit your industry and lifestyle, and make you feel good, this will automatically increase your self-esteem. Look like the part you want to play, or in other words, suit up for success. Don’t be afraid to let your personality shine in your accessories. Bold jewelry or a colorful tie can be a focal point and a good conversation starter.

3. Speak assertively.

The next time you listen to your favorite speaker, be mindful of the way he or she delivers a speech. A great speaker speaks confidently, in a steady, rhythmic tone. Instead of the “ums” and “ahs” that interrupt flow, they use pauses to emphasize ideas.
Adopt an assertive, but not aggressive, way of speaking that indicates your self-confidence. You will feel your self-esteem begin to rise. To be taken seriously, avoid high-pitched, nervous chatter or twittering giggles in your speech. People will listen to you more attentively when they see the leader radiate from within you.

4. Think and act positively.

Positive energy leads to positive outcomes, so set your mind to the can-do side of any situation, avoiding the negative self-talk that can make you feel less confident. Smile, laugh and surround yourself with happy, positive people. You’ll feel better and the people with whom you work will enjoy your company.

Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of the high points of your day and your accomplishments. You will develop more peace and confidence when you are in a grateful state of mind.

5. Take action.

There’s more to being confident than just how you look. You must act the part. Walk up to a stranger at a networking event, or accept a project you’d normally reject. Practice being self-confident and soon it will become second nature.

Inaction breeds doubt and fear, while action breeds confidence and courage. As an exercise, jot down your strengths and weaknesses. Most people will tell you to work on your weaknesses, but use what you've got and capitalize on your strengths instead. Once you put more energy into your positive traits, your confidence will start to shine through.

6. Be prepared.

Remember the five P’s: Prior planning prevents poor performance. The more prepared you are, the more confident you’ll feel about your expertise and competency. Preparation will help you avoid getting tripped up by life’s unexpected glitches.

Learn everything you can about your industry, your subject matter, your goals and what drives you towards success. Before you start a task, first imagine how you want to feel once you’ve completed it. Don’t try to accomplish too much at once. Break complex tasks up into small, bite-size, manageable pieces.

As U.S. Army General Creighton Williams Abrams Jr. once said, “When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.” If you have patience and perseverance, you are only steps away from a more confident you.

Source: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/247353

5 Steps That Will Help Bring Positive Change to Your Life

The beginning of a New Year is the perfect time to set new positive goals for the following months to come. If you made it through the first weeks of January just fine, congratulations! However, don't beat yourself down if you're already starting to abandon ship on your resolutions. According to Forbes, only 8% of people keep their New Year's resolution. As humans, we struggle to change our habits and ultimately become discouraged when we fail. So what can you do when you feel you can't stick to your goals? Figuring out where to start can be a real headache, but luckily we are here to help you get you back on your feet.

Self-actualization, or at least the desire for it, is a shared human necessity. The resolutions you make every year are a way to motivate yourself to become your very best self and fulfill your natural need for growth. However, for them to work, it is important to start off by applying small positive adjustments to your daily habits. It doesn't matter if you're looking to lose some weight, save more money, or eat more healthy. Psychologists agree any personal or professional change starts out by modifying your behavior. You might not see results overnight, but incremental lifestyle changes provide a greater chance of creating real improvement. So how can you begin making a positive transformation in your life?

1. Focus on what matters the most to you.
This works on anything from life in general to your career. Best-selling author Leo Babauta, creator of Zen Habits, writes in his article The Simplicity Cycle: Returning to Paring Down to Find Your True Needs his experience and knowledge on this topic. As we go through life, we welcome new passions and possessions. But according to Babauta, it is important we figure out which hobbies and objects are essential to us. Get rid of everything that is clutter and doesn't fall into that category. It's not a project you achieve in one day, he says, but rather a cycle that repeats over time.

2. Discover your strengths.
Doing this is not always easy, but it's worth the time to know what you're good at if you want to be the best version of yourself. Adam Grant, the author of Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success, has an interesting approach when it comes to assessing our own talents. In his article A Better Way to Discover Your Strengths, he says it's not enough to just take a self-assessment quiz. Ask others to hold up a mirror for you by asking them of a time you were at your best. When you see your reflection through the eyes of others, you're going to see a clearer picture of your most unique talents.

3. Understand who you are.
Why do you do what you do? What is your purpose? In his article Finding Your Why: How to Discover Your Professional Purpose, Mel Carson, founder of Delightful Communications, shares his own story on how he discovered his and gives advice on how you can find yours. What makes you tick? What thrills you about what you do? Those are questions he wants you to ask yourself. Singling out the qualities that have always been important to you is the best way of identifying your current professional purpose.

4. Build positive habits.
Research agrees, creating new routines is the best way to bring change to your life. In his article How to Build a New Habit: This is Your Strategy Guide, writer, and entrepreneur James Clear maps out a simple guide to help you get started. What's important, he says, is to begin with small habit changes that are easy enough to do, and then gradually improve from there. This way your motivation increases along the way, as well as your willpower to stick to your new habits. Be consistent and patient. If you slip, what matters is that you get back on track quickly.

5. Incorporate the right routines.
Lolly Daskal, president and CEO of Lead From Within, gives out 12 Scientifically Proven Habits That Will Change Your Life for the better. We also have our own list of Habits of Successful Hospitality Leaders you can apply to your everyday life. From thinking positively to questioning your amygdala - that almond-shaped piece in the middle of your brain in charge of keeping you safe - these habits will definitely help you transform your life.

Remember, instead of setting hard or unrealistic resolutions at the beginning of every year, allow yourself the opportunity to reset your habits with every day that passes. Each day is a chance for a new beginning. This permits you the flexibility to figure out what does - and doesn't - work for you!

Source: https://www.hosco.com/en/advice/article/5-steps-that-will-help-bring-positive-change-to-your-life

4 Tips for Setting Powerful Goals

We all have two choices: We can make a living or we can design a life. Here’s how to do the latter.

The most important benefit of setting goals isn’t achieving your goal; it’s what you do and the person you become in order to achieve your goal that’s the real benefit.

Goal setting is powerful because it provides focus. It shapes our dreams. It gives us the ability to hone in on the exact actions we need to perform to achieve everything we desire in life. Goals are great because they cause us to stretch and grow in ways that we never have before. In order to reach our goals, we must become better.

Life is designed in such a way that we look long-term and live short-term. We dream for the future and live in the present. Unfortunately, the present can produce many difficult obstacles. But setting goals provides long-term vision in our lives. We all need powerful, long-range goals to help us get past those short-term obstacles. Fortunately, the more powerful our goals are, the more we’ll be able to act on and guarantee that they will actually come to pass.

What are the key aspects to learn and remember when studying and writing our goals? 

Here’s a closer look at goal setting and how you can make it forceful and practical:

1. Evaluate and reflect.

The only way we can reasonably decide what we want in the future and how we’ll get there is to know where we are right now and what our current level of satisfaction is. So first, take some time to think through and write down your current situation; then ask this question on each key point: Is that OK?

The purpose of evaluation is twofold. First, it gives you an objective way to look at your accomplishments and your pursuit of the vision you have for life. Secondly, it shows you where you are so you can determine where you need to go. Evaluation gives you a baseline to work from.

Take a couple of hours this week to evaluate and reflect. See where you are and write it down so that as the months progress and you continue a regular time of evaluation and reflection, you will see just how much ground you’re gaining—and that will be exciting!

2. Define your dreams and goals.

One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life and the ability to establish and set goals to live out those dreams. We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families. We can dream of better financial, emotional, spiritual or physical lives. We have also been given the ability to not only dream, but pursue those dreams—and not just pursue them, but the cognitive ability to lay out a plan and strategies to achieve those dreams. Powerful!

What are your dreams and goals? This isn’t what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.

Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don’t do enough of in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we’re constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet—to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams. Schedule some quiet “dream time” this week. No other people. No cellphone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen and your thoughts.

Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you love to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel great and you will be in the “dream zone.” It is only when we get to this point that we experience what our dreams are.

Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don’t think of any as too outlandish or foolish—remember—you’re dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.

Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action—not just dreaming.

3. Make your goals S.M.A.R.T.

The acronym S.M.A.R.T. means Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time-sensitive.

Specific:
Goals are no place to waffle. They are no place to be vague. Ambiguous goals produce ambiguous results. Incomplete goals produce incomplete futures.

Measurable:
Always set goals that are measurable. I would say “specifically measurable” to take into account our principle of being specific.

Attainable:
One of the detrimental things that many people do—with good intentions—is setting goals that are so high that they are unattainable.

Realistic:
The root word of realistic is “real.” A goal has to be something that we can reasonably make “real” or a “reality” in our lives. There are some goals that are simply not realistic. You have to be able to say, even if it is a tremendously stretching goal, that yes, indeed, it is entirely realistic—that you could make it. You may even have to say that it will take x, y and z to do it, but if those happen, then it can be done. This is in no way to say it shouldn’t be a big goal, but it must be realistic.

Time:
Every goal should have a timeframe attached to it. One of the powerful aspects of a great goal is that it has an end—a time in which you are shooting to accomplish it. As time goes by, you work on it because you don’t want to get behind, and you work diligently because you want to meet the deadline. You may even have to break down a big goal into different parts of measurement and timeframes—that is OK. Set smaller goals and work them out in their own time. A S.M.A.R.T. goal has a timeline.

4. Have accountability.

When someone knows what your goals are, they hold you accountable by asking you to “give an account” of where you are in the process of achieving that goal. Accountability puts some teeth into the process. If a goal is set and only one person knows it, does it really have any power? Many times, no. A goal isn’t as powerful if you don’t have one or more people who can hold you accountable to it.

Source: http://www.success.com/article/rohn-4-tips-for-setting-powerful-goals