6 Tips For Handling The Realities Of Divorce

The realities of divorce will be quite different from what you’ve imagined divorce to be. Don’t be caught off-guard!

A couple of weeks ago I saw the post below go through my Facebook newsfeed. It was written by a newly divorced Mom who had learned five realities of divorce while attempting to sell a home and raise her children on her own.

“No one tells you divorce makes you an outcast.
No one tells you people really do take sides, & they will do it in your face.
No one tells you how to learn to get over it. How to sit with your grief.
No one tells you how vulnerable you’ll be & how everything feels shitty.
No one tells you you’ll look back at the calendar with disbelief at how long divorce takes and the disentangling and how suddenly the people you thought you knew best…are total strangers. Ghosts.
So I’m telling you.”

This Mom is wrong, those things have been told. She didn’t discover some dark hidden truth about divorce, she just came face to face with the realities of divorce.

I write about it and other divorce experts share the ugly side of divorce in books and articles daily online. The problem is, the experts aren’t being read or, if they are, folks reading our advice think, “That couldn’t happen to me, my situation is different.”

And, nothing stands in the way of a newly divorced person moving forward and creating a satisfying life more than the “I’m different” thought process. The idea that bad divorces only happen to other people. Or, the belief that people who experience pain and suffering after divorce do so because they did something wrong. These are thought processes that are prevalent among those deciding on and going through a divorce.

Most are under the illusion that divorce is the road to happiness and when faced with the realities of divorce are lost at how to process it and use it to their own advantage. Divorce is not the road to happiness, divorce is hard, harder than most bad marriages and when it turns your world upside down it’s in your best interest to be mentally prepared or you will drown in the “no one told me” pity party.

How to Handle The Realities Of Divorce:
1. The danger in not knowing and expecting the realities of divorce only keeps you stuck in a state of disbelief when those realities become part of your daily life. So, don’t allow yourself to go through a divorce unless you are armed with knowledge about what divorce is and can become. If you read something negative about the consequences of divorce, don’t throw on your shroud of, “that only happens to other people.” Instead, take it to heart.

2. During divorce, people will shun you and even your best friends will take sides and it won’t always be your side. Let them! It’s of no consequence when it comes to how you choose to live your life. Focus on the people who supported you during this painful period in your life, not the ones who turned their backs. That is a more productive use of your time.

3. Divorce means experiencing loss, it’s the death of your marriage. You must learn to adapt to and adjust to that loss and rebuild your life. First, you must grieve and “sit with” the loss. If you are unsure how to do that, Google, “grief after divorce.” There are over 30 million articles and books available for those who are coping with the grief of divorce. Find an article or book that brings you comfort, join a local support group or reach out to friends and family. The key is to admit your vulnerability and be willing to reach out for help.

4. Yep, everything can be “shitty” after a divorce. And when it is, you can feel powerfully vulnerable. Divorce forces people to change when all they want to do is escape the pain. Divorce turns everything upside down. You have to redefine who you are and what you want out of life. When you are in pain and seeking comfort from that pain it can be hard to focus on the one thing that will relieve the pain…embracing the change. Making those necessary changes is the only thing that will take away the “shitty” feelings that pop up during and after divorce.

5. Your lawyer isn’t going to tell you how long the legal process of divorce will take. There are legal guidelines but those can be tossed out the window because, the longer a divorce takes, the more money your lawyer will make. So, here I am, telling you, if you don’t become a proactive part of your legal divorce you will look back in disbelief at how long it took.

6. Learn your state’s divorce laws. Learn your local court procedures related to Family Court matters. Hold your lawyer accountable at the first hint of him/her engaging in adversarial legal tactics. Divorcing couples do not have to come out the other side hating each other if they refuse to allow a dysfunctional family court system to determine the course of their divorce.

There you go, I’ve told you, again. Divorce is no walk in the park. Divorce is not the end of conflict. Divorce is not the road to happiness. Divorce puts an end to marriage but it also puts into play many, many other issues that can be stressful to deal with if you aren’t prepared to meet them head-on. Be prepared!

Source: https://divorcedmoms.com/6-tips-for-handling-the-realities-of-divorce/

The financial dangers of separation without divorce

While divorce will for most people trigger enormous emotional and financial stress, separating without the formality of divorce can also be financially disastrous.

This was highlighted in a recent case concerning a couple married for only three weeks and separated for almost 30 years afterwards. Litigation is ongoing.

The marriage lasted barely a month in 1989. They then split and became estranged. The husband died in 2011 - something the wife discovered only last year when she hired investigators - and a dispute has resulted over her claim to some of the estate.

A judge ruled that as they were still married when the husband died she could indeed have a claim.

Lawyers say the case highlights one of many dangers financial dangers of an informal separation.

Home rights
One widely-overlooked legality is that both parties have a right to live in the house they share after separation.

If one person moves out they are allowed to come back and are free to stay when they choose, said Hazel Wright, a partner and family mediator at Hunters Solicitors.

And the partner who stays in the house is not allowed to change the locks.

"The only way to remove this right is through divorce or an injunction," said Ms Wright.

Shared accounts, debts and assets
Separated couples must also be aware that until they are divorced, their finances remain linked.

Spouses or civil partners jointly responsible for a mortgage will both be at risk if one party moves out and stops paying their share.

Ms Wright said: "It may be that the person who is staying in the home will want to keep up with the mortgage payments and the party who has moved out and has to pay rent will ask why they should.

"If the payments stop the house could be repossessed and both individuals will see their credit rating destroyed."

If one person wants to buy a home, whilst still owning the former family home, they will have to pay the 3pc levy for second homes, unless they are divorced.

Access to joint bank accounts or shared credit cards will also continue unless the provider is notified.

When told about the separation, the bank can freeze the funds in the account until the next steps are discussed. The lead holder of any credit card can ask for the second party to be removed or request the card be cancelled.

Post-separation wealth
There are also consequences concerning assets built up or eroded after separation.
For example, if one party goes wild with their spending and significantly diminishes their assets over a number of years, their spouse may be ordered to assist them in rebuilding their finances when divorce settlements are reached.

Graham Mills, a 50-year old surveyor, is currently fighting an appeal in just such a situation, after a court ordered him to pay increased income to Maria Mills, 13 years after their divorce and split of capital assets.

It heard how Ms Mills had made "poor financial decisions" through a series of “unwise” property purchases, and had spent all her money. He is attempting to raise money to further challenge the decision.

If one person increases their wealth or builds up their business during the period after separation, this will have to be disclosed when the divorce proceedings take place.

This wealth is referred to as "post-separation accrual" and may not form part of the settlement, unless the court decides the other party is in need.

After death
An individual has the right to claim against the estate of their spouse or civil partner even if separated and could demand a continuing income in addition to a "chunk of the capital", said Ms Wright.

The danger here is that the estate cannot be finalised if the executor does not know how much income is required. This is a real risk in long term separations, according to Ms Wright.

In these cases, the other beneficiaries would need to "buy the partner off". Instead of offering a continuing income, the spouse's share might need to be capitalised.

Ms Wright said it was crucial to make a will. Those who have an estranged spouse should use it to explain why they do not want them to be a beneficiary.

For example, reasons could include if the deceased has a new partner, family or dependents which they want to leave their estate to.

A halfway house
Ms Wright suggested that a judicial separation, a more formal agreement made by the court, could be an option for couples wishing to split but not divorce, perhaps where it is financially beneficial to remain married.

She said it was "almost" a binding financial arrangement which would allow couples to divide assets and property, but no pension sharing can take place.

Couples are not permitted to remarry until they get a divorce through the court.

Situations change and those who remain separated and run a real risk to their finances should they start new relationships, become a part of a new family or grow new businesses.
Ms Wright said: "It's so important for couples who split up to sort out their relationship before moving on and starting their new life."

Source: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/money/consumer-affairs/financial-dangers-separation-without-divorce/