With divorce comes turmoil, tears, heartbreak, and pain — all things parents want to protect their children from. Which is why knowing how to talk to your kid about you and your partner's divorce is of the utmost importance. During the very emotional time of separation, so many feelings are being sorted out and, when considering children, there must be a thoughtful way of delivering the news.
First, know you are not alone. According to the American Psychology Association (APA), stats say that 40 to 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Because of this high rate and the effects divorce can have on families, there are many experts who have weighed in on the best ways to talk to your kids. According to Psychology Today, how a child is told about the divorce will stay with them for a lifetime and, in order to help with any lasting trauma, it's best to "give much thought to the setting and circumstances when you break the news." That setting should include mom and dad telling the kids as a family. This allows kids to understand that, even though the living dynamic is changing, the love, care, and security will always be there.
"The most important things for a child to understand as their parents separate is that the split is in no way their fault, that they are safe and loved by both parents no matter what, and that things will change, but who their parents are will never change," Rebecca Nidorf, licensed clinical social worker and therapist,says in an interview with Romper. "Family is family, even in this new configuration."
Not only should parents make sure their child knows it's not her fault, but psychotherapist Lisa Herrick wrote on her website that they should also reiterate that point even months later. She also wrote that it's good to avoid blame so, "the children are free to continue loving each parent fully without fear of betraying other parent or feeling disloyal."
It's also helpful to be direct when talking to your kids and to keep it simple. "Your child needs to know only one truth. Mom and Dad don’t love each other anymore the way that moms and dads need to love each other to stay together," licensed clinical psychologist Edward D. Farber told HuffPost. "Your child has absolutely no need to know the reasons Mom and Dad don't love each other." Blame shouldn't be placed on either parent — bad mouthing your ex will only hurt your child.
In talking with your kids, let them know how the divorce will change their day-to-day. This is where, Nidorf says, you need to get specific, "to make it the new normal rather than the 'dark unknown.'" She suggests you let your kids know what life will look like in terms of their house, room, and where they will be on what day. "Explain that you will continue to co-parent, to attend school performances, sporting events, and anything that their children are involved in," Nidorf says. "And discuss their health and well-being as always, and that their well-being is the most important thing to both parents."
This reassurance helps to calm worries and concerns your kid will naturally have. Divorce creates a feeling of uncertainty for everyone involved, but when parents navigate the early days with care and consideration for the future and everyone's happiness, children get the sense of security that they need.
With creating secure feelings in mind, avoid words of apology because, as Nidorf says, "apologizing is taking blame for something and indicates to your child that you did something wrong." Instead of saying "I'm sorry" to your child, show empathy. Nidorf recommends saying something like, "I understand that this is painful for you, and I want to help you through that pain any way I am able".
When my ex-husband and I were going through a divorce, we let our 3-year-old twins know that we were still a family, we just live in different houses. This is something we continue to talk to them about four years later, especially now that our children have more questions about it since they were so little when we separated. In doing so, we've created a happy and healthy environment for our children.
"Modeling for your child that life deserves to be lived in a happy and healthy way in happy and healthy relationships is a positive message," Nidorf says.
Divorce is going to be difficult and it's key to take the time to breathe and stay calm for your child as well as yourself. It's all about going through this time thoughtfully, and with the love for your child and self in your heart.
Source: https://www.romper.com/p/how-to-talk-to-your-kid-about-you-your-partners-divorce-in-a-way-theyll-understand-58236
Divorce is one of the realities of modern family life, but that doesn't mean that it's easy to handle. Other than a death or serious illness, news of the impending divorce of a child is probably the most devastating blow that a parent can receive, especially if there are grandchildren involved. If you’ve been on the receiving end of such news, you’ve probably experienced a wide range of emotions. These 5 emotional reactions are fairly standard for those in the situation of being a parent of a divorcing child.
Grief for Failed Dreams and Relationships
When a child divorces, a relationship dies, and their parents will typically grieve for that relationship. Your child will probably still have a relationship with the ex-spouse, but it will not be the loving and satisfying relationship that everyone hoped for when the couple married. Even if you had early doubts about the relationship, you undoubtedly hoped that your doubts would be proved false. That hope dies with the news of a divorce.
On the other hand, if you have a close and loving relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you are facing the potential loss of that relationship. Grief is a natural reaction to these circumstances, and you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process.
Guilt About Your Own Role
Most parents of a divorcing child have experienced trying to steer children out of a relationship that they think will not turn out well, and most have found it an exercise in futility.
Even though adult children are responsible for their own decisions, parents will almost certainly question themselves about whether they could have done something to avert this family disaster. If the parents of the divorcing child have been divorced or have had troubled relationships in their own pasts, perhaps they will feel that somehow they negatively affected their child's ability to sustain a marital relationship.
You should not allow yourself to fall into the trap of feeling guilty about the failure of your child's relationships. It’s impossible to go back and test what might have happened if things had been done differently, so feelings of guilt are non-productive and should be avoided whenever possible.
Divided Loyalties
It is very common to feel torn between your feelings for the divorcing parties, even though one is your own child. Parents know very well that their children have faults, and clear-eyed parents will recognize that their own child must bear some responsibility for the failure of the relationship. If you had developed a close relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law, you may even feel that your own child is largely at fault. On the other hand, some parents turn all of their sorrow and anger against the daughter- or son-in-law.
However you may feel that the blame should be portioned out, it is important to recognize two things. First, it is impossible to determine what really goes on between two people in a marriage. Second, it is not your role to determine blame. Try to steer your energies in more positive directions, such as spending quality time with your child and grandchildren during this difficult period.
Worries About What the Future May Hold
Uncertainty about the future almost always engenders worry. Suddenly, nothing in the future of your child and grandchildren seems secure. A divorce can impact employment, emotional stability, geographic location, and a host of other factors. You need to focus on what is constant: your love for your child and grandchildren. The classic advice to focus on the things one cannot change and accept the things one cannot change is certainly good advice in this situation. Those who believe in a higher power may find some solace in thinking of the future as being in the hands of that higher power.
Fear of Losing Touch With Grandchildren
Closely akin to worry, fear is also a natural reaction to a divorce in the family. One of the major fears of those in this situation is a loss of access to their grandchildren, especially if custody seems likely to go to the parent who is not their child.
This is not an unreasonable fear, as statistics show that many grandparents lose contact with grandchildren after a divorce. This is one area, however, in which you can take some meaningful action. Although you certainly cannot ensure a continuing relationship with your grandchildren, you can take steps to make it more likely, such as avoiding blame and staying as neutral as possible.
Other Grandparent Stresses
Stress in the grandparenting role is not uncommon in this situation. Grandparenting is not always easy or fun and many grandparents face major challenges in their grandparent roles. Long-distance grandparents experience significant emotional effects, as do the grandparents of grandchildren with special needs.
Grandparents who are dealing with the divorce of a child should seek assistance if their sadness becomes overwhelming, especially if it is preventing a normal life. Seeking counseling or joining a support group may be helpful. It's crucial that you take care of yourself so that you can help your children and grandchildren through this difficult time.
Source: https://www.liveabout.com/emotions-when-your-child-divorces-1695755
When a couple splits up, their mutual friends can have torn loyalties. Don’t force them to take sides, says Celia Dodd
When you’re splitting up, you need all the friends you can get. So it feels particularly cruel when people drop you like a stone. If you’re a woman, the invitations dry up because you’re perceived as a threat, while even friends you’ve known for years side with the partner they knew first.
But there is another reason, according to leading divorce experts. One anonymous expert says “Your break-up means your friends have to look at their own relationship. You are a mirror in which they might see something which resonates with them, which they would rather be in denial about. Friends don’t want any of your bad energy being reflected back at them.”
It’s pretty standard to take sides with the partner who is seen as most hard done by, even though we all know that there are two sides to every story, and there’s no one to blame if a couple simply falls out of love. People often take sides with the best, albeit misguided, intentions: it is seen as a sign of loyalty to end contact, a betrayal if you continue seeing the other half. And of course it all gets more complicated and judgmental if there’s a new lover in the picture.
Lucy and her partner are a case in point. They were close friends with another couple for years. They went on holiday together, their kids got on, and they were devastated when the couple broke up. But looking back, Lucy regrets the way she behaved.
She says, “I was incredibly judgmental, and I refused to have anything to do with the wife, who I felt was in the wrong. It was partly because I assumed that’s how her ex-husband expected me to behave. It was my way of showing solidarity. But looking back, I realise that was not what he wanted at all. And as a result I lost a really good friend.”
When a couple divorces there is a ripple effect on everyone around them, and there are bound to be torn loyalties. Experts believes all sides need to be aware of this and do their best to keep things amicable. Advice for divorcing couples is simple: don’t force your mutual friends to take sides, don’t burden people who know you both with too much information, don’t badmouth your ex to them, and know when to keep your counsel.
Another expert says “You need one person who is just your friend, who isn’t involved with both of you. With him or her you can offload as much as you like. Perhaps see a professional to work on how and why it happened. That’s much better than asking someone to take sides.
“A really good friend will also suggest that you see your ex’s perspective on certain things, rather than just feeding your venom, and will support you in thinking about what comes next.
“Meanwhile mutual friends need to take responsibility too, and make it clear that they’re not going to play piggy-in-the-middle. If they get an invitation from one person they should tell the other and explain that they want to stay friends with both partners. If the response is ‘You’re betraying me’ so be it. As a friend you have to go with your own integrity.”
Source: http://www.high50.com/love/divorce-when-friends-take-sides-it-just-gets-messier
